Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Adventures of Eggman ❯ Final Episode - "The Lost Levels! What's With All the Molesting!? Wall Breaking?" ( Chapter 10 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

THE FINAL EPISODE OF

The Adventures of Eggman

A triple team production by:

THE TRIPLE PEEPS

Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)

Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"

Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)

http://www.triplepeeps.com/

Yes, it's true. Eggman's zany adventures cross over with the Cronies too often to have two separate series for them. So after this final episode, look for Eggman's wacky antics in the next season of Cronies, coming soon! Oh, and yeah, we took a half-year break from writing. Busy lives, and the writing was becoming boring. But now we're back!

DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Clamp, Nelvana, Namco, Koshi Rikdo, Capcom, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.

Originally released: 5/9/2006

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[In Eggman's posh apartment, we see said scientist lazing around on his sofa.]

Eggman [sitting like a lazy bastard]: Oh man! Stopping those Moonies really put a damper on my drive. I need to stop going on these big epic adventures! I should take a break and engage in some one-shot quests! ..."Quests?" I sound like some kind of fucking nerd-fag! [determined] Why, this gives me the chance to pursue a non-illegal activity! I'm gonna be... A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER!

[Eggman whips out his cell phone, and dials a number.]

Eggman: Hello, Illy! I'm gonna be a substitute teacher!

Il Palazzo [anger]: Dammit, Eggman! I'm in the shower!

Eggman [irritated and whiny]: Oh c'mooooooooooooonnn! You know you want to help me indoctrinate the youthful masses!

Il Palazzo [the sound of a shower is heard over Eggman's phone]: I'd love to, really, but I think I'll stay in and, well, wash my hair.

Eggman: Fuck you, dude! I'll brainwash the world myself! [hangs up, scheming] But first... I'll need some... assistance...

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[Somewhere in Station Square, the Cronies are outside this one abandoned building. Not crime-fighting, not doing anything productive... just being lazy little bitches.]

Knuckles [showing off the building to the rest of the group]: Guys, I present to you [unveils a sign in a broken window] my greatest get rich quick scheme ever!

Shadow [reading the sign, confused]: "Knuckles the Echidna's Pancakes & Steak: Together at Last!"?

Rouge [disgusted]: This is stupid. Come back if you actually make some money out of this. [walks away]

Shadow [puts his hand on Knuckles's shoulder]: Knuckles, as the guy in the group who hates you so very much, I'll be honest when I say that this is the stupidest thing you've ever done.

Knuckles [youthful optimism]: But, Shadow, I was gonna make you the restaurant's vice-president!

Amy [confuddled]: How can there be presidency in a restaurant--

Shadow [intrigued, squealing]: Oooooooooooo! I'm vice-president!

Knuckles [like a businessman]: Tails, how would you like to be our mascot?

Tails: No.

Shadow [pouting]: Aww c'mon! [starts ruffling Tails's hair, tails, and overall fluffiness] You have brilliant appeal! And he's fluffing up too!

Tails [trying to push Shadow away]: Stop it!

Sonic: Hmm... This actually seems interesting. I'm gonna get some popcorn!

Knuckles: Sorry Sonic, but in my restaurant, you only get a choice of either a large variety of pancakes, or various delicious cuts of steak!

Sonic: No, I mean, I'm gonna get some popcorn from [points to a street vendor] that guy over there. [smiling] Seeing you fail will be a pretty good show!

Shadow [looks at him angrily]: I will suffocate you in your sleep.

Sonic: Okay, let the sucking begin-- [shivers] Good god, what is this sudden feeling of dread-- [he sees Chris from the Sonic X cartoon walking their way] Oh FUCK! It's Chris!

Chris [heading towards the Cronies]: Hey guys! Miss me?

Sonic [panic]: Uh, um, I'm gonna go stop Eggman from whatever he has to do. Yes, that'll cover my escape very nicely! CIAO! [bolts away]

Knuckles [freaking out]: Oh, um, and me and Shadow have to work on our new business slogan! C'mon, man!

Shadow [ditto]: Agreed! [whispers to Knuckles] I owe you one.

[Knuckles and Shadow run into the building. Tails and Amy are constantly tying each other in Paper, Rock, Scissors. Out of dread, Tails just slaps Amy's hands out of the way, and follows Knuckles and Shadow into the building]

Amy [scared]: NOOOO!!! Don't leave me alone with him!!! [groans in defeat, then turns around and sees the little boy behind her, smiling politely] Hi Chris...

Chris [cheerful]: Hi Amy! How are you?

Amy [defeated]: Oh I'm just fine... [mutters something under her breath] Fuck...

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Eggman [serious tone]: The adventures... [gets louder] of MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

â™ªâ™«

Clark Kent's super

Bruce Wayne's Batman

Everyone else

Just looooves Eggman!

â™ªâ™«

Sonic [pops up out of nowhere]: Not me!

â™ªâ™«

Everyone who's evil

Just looooves Eggman!

â™ªâ™«

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The Adventures of Eggman

Final Episode:

"The Lost Levels! What's With All the Molesting!? Wall Breaking?"

(We present to you this final episode of Eggman Adventures. It contains snippets of the various ideas we've cut out of prior fics for various reasons. It should prove to be a suitable end to the series. Don't worry, though; Cronies will still be continued, and very soon! -- CMA)

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COMMERCIAL

Random Husband [carrying groceries, approaching his house]: Honey, c'mon, we're going to miss CSI!

Random Wife [following, fumbling for her keys as she jiggles the doorknob]: That's funny, the door's unlocked!

[The two open the door to discover, to their horror...]

Random Husband [drops the groceries]: WE'VE BEEN ROBBED!!!

Random Wife [holding her knee like Nancy Kerrigan]: WHY!? WHY!?

Eggman [outside the house as the two walk in; talking semi-seriously]: Greetings, good people. Being robbed is an experience that no one should have to go through. The loss of peace of mind, the feeling that a stranger has been through your things... It's all very trying. Which is why I, Dr. Eggman, am always improving my publicly available Guard Robos. [excited] Now, I unveil my most powerful, most secure, most expensive Guard Robo ever: the E-666!

[Eggman pulls a towel off of the large, looks-kinda-like-Omega-but-more-sinister-and-dangerous-lookin' eight feet tall robot]

E-666 [loud, scary robot voice]: I WILL PROTECT YOUR FAMILY!!! [fires a laser at the house, reducing it to rubble as the husband and wife barely escape in time]

Eggman [all proud]: Yes, yes, very nice. Show those pigs who's boss!

Random Wife [frantic]: OUR FUCKING HOUSE!

Random Husband [sounding somewhat nerdy]: My hamster was still in there!

Eggman: Uh-oh... [Eggman runs from the two enraged former home owners]

[Some time later...]

Eggman [in his black "covert" outfit, the alternate outfit he had in Sonic Adventure 2 Battle]: Observe, good people, this simulation of the E-666 in action! [in someone's house] Now, you'll see that I'm sneaking around some random person's home. This is not staged, people. I am actually illegally breaking and entering. Now, watch as--

[A light turns on.]

Tails [yawning]: Man, what's going on here-- [sees Eggman's shocked face] What the? Get the fuck out Eggman!!!

E-666 [breaks through the wall]: INTRUDER TARGETED!!! I WILL PROTECT THIS HOUSE!!!

[The E-666 aims its massively destructive weapons at a now running Eggman, destroying most of Tails's house in the process.]

Tails [fighting the robot]: EGGMAN YOU PIECE OF SHIT I WILL MURDER YOU!--

E-666 [scary, still firing weapons randomly and dangerously]: PROTECTION IS DIVINE! I WILL KILL ALL INTRUDERS! I WILL DESTROY ALL HOMES! WITHOUT HOMES, THERE WILL BE NO INTRUDERS! IT IS LOGICAL!

Eggman [cupping his chin as he flees]: Hmmm, that'll need to be fixed!

Announcer [catchy jingle]: â™ªâ™«Pledge allegiance to Eggman!â™ªâ™« <sparkle noise>

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[Tomoeda Elementary. Yes, Sakura's school. Yes, we still know that she really has no business at all knowing Eggman. Shut the fuck up. And yeah, we're still under the impression that time zones don't exist. Don't look at me like that. Anyway, the bell is about to ring in Captain Falcon's class.]

Captain Falcon [wrapping up the lesson]: And that's why having sex with a toque on is a bad idea. [bell rings] Don't forget about your homework children: find a criminal and beat him up!

Shaoron [writing down the assignment in his daily planner]: Oh thank god it's over! Why would we need to know that in the first place?

Sakura [still kinda amazed]: The words... just kept coming...

Genis: What's the point of learning that if we were in English class? [sighs] Come on Lloyd, let's get out of here.

Lloyd [finishing writing notes]: Sex... plus toque, equals... bad. It's pretty sound! [closes the notebook] Okay, I'm ready!

Genis: Lloyd you slowpoke, everyone's gone. Let's hurry-- [stops] Oh no...

Lloyd: What's up, Genis?

Genis [scared]: Can't you feel it? [frightened face] She's coming for us!

Captain Falcon: Kids it's time to go home. What's the matter? [looks at the both of them and sees a blank, scared look] Lloyd? Genis? Y'all okay? Is someone threatening to beat you up? Heh, not like anyone in this town can take you or anything, but--

Lloyd [near monotone]: The Destroyer is coming for us.

Captain Falcon [puzzled]: "The Destroyer?" Is that another costumed criminal? What have I taught you about taking down criminals!? You aim and hit their cack as hard as possible! And once you get them there, you pummel their testi--

Genis: No, it's our old professor! She's coming for us! She's my big sister!

Captain Falcon: Well then you do the same thing; aim and hit her cack and balls as hard as--

Genis [frustrated]: She's not a man!!! She's very, very scary but not a man!

Captain Falcon [hearty laugh]: Oh, I see! How silly of me! But she can't be that scary!

Lloyd: Are you kidding? She beats us if we do something wrong in her one-classroom schoolhouse!

Captain Falcon [shocked, looking all serious all of a sudden]: She BEATS you!?

Genis: She makes us hold buckets of water if we fall asleep in class!

Captain Falcon [just a little too appalled]: BUCKETS!? That's inhuman!

Lloyd [embellishing a bit]: She kicked me in the stomach once on our adventure and now my digestive tract is messed up!

Captain Falcon [looks very concerned]: Beating children? One-room schoolhouse? What kind of scoundrel is this woman!?

Genis [getting teary eyed]: And... and...

Captain Falcon [puts a hand on Genis's shoulder]: What's wrong? What else has she done?

Genis [following Lloyd's example]: And... she molested me!!!

Lloyd [playing along]: Yeah and she molested-- [realizes what Genis just said] ...WHAT THE HELL!?

Genis [still sobbing]: I didn't want to tell you Lloyd. I didn't want you to hurt her 'cause she was my sister. Why do you think I always wanted to stay with you!?

Lloyd [getting all comically teary eyed himself]: I thought I was just super-charismatic!

Genis [really laying it on thick]: One night, she climbed into my bed and started touching all over my body! [crying and sobbing] She said that she doesn't want any other man, when she has the perfect one in her arms, and she just... she just... [starts bawling, as Lloyd comforts him]

Lloyd: It's okay, Genis... [patting his shoulder] I'm here. Super-charismatic Lloyd is here.

Captain Falcon [rage]: Now that... is sick. Boys, rest assured that when I see this woman, she will get a fiery beating of justice!!! I will not let this false teacher continue her evil and sick ways on other children, because I fight FOR the children! She's dead meat! [runs out of the classroom]

[Genis slowly stops crying, the weeping turning gradually into a maniacal laugh.]

Lloyd [surprised and gasps]: Genis! The Professor never molested you!

Genis [evil]: I know. This is payback for embarrassing me in front of Presea.

[QUICK FLASHBACK, 3RD STRIKE]

[Genis is seen wearing a frilly pink dress.]

Genis [embarrassed]: Why do I have to wear this, sis?

Raine: Will you shush? I'm not letting my hand-me-downs go to waste. Not my fault you were born a dirty male.

Genis [pouting]: You're just mad at another ex of yours again, aren't you-- [gets slapped] Oooooooowwww!

[Presea walks by, and just starts laughing her ass off]

Genis [looks oddly at her]: You never laugh out loud like that!

Presea [trying to suppress her laughter]: No, but you do look so... RETARDED! [continues her laughter] OH MY GOD! HEY EVERYONE, COME LOOK AT GENIS'S PRETTY PINK DRESS!!!

[END QUICK FLASHBACK]

Lloyd [chuckling]: Yeah, you did look dumb.

[Genis glares, charging a Meteor Swarm as Lloyd keeps laughing.]

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Eggman [loud, with a stupid smile]: Ohayo gozaimasu, minna!!! [Translation: some fucking Japanese greeting. Who the fuck knows? (I've just been informed that I, CMA, am the only person who doesn't know that means. -- CMA)]

[Eggman looks at his students, who happen to be none other than the kids from Azumanga Daioh, a series available at fine anime and comic shops everywhere.]

Eggman: Since your teacher, Ms. Yukari, suddenly became unavailable--

[A closet in Eggman's apartment...]

Ms. Yukari [bound and gagged]: MMPH MMMPH PFFT MM-- [Translation: MOTHER FUCKING BITCH FUCKER COCK SUCKING--]

[Back in the classroom...]

Eggman [continuing]: --I will be your temporary teacher! [writes his name on the board] I am Dr. Ivo Robotnik, also known in some circles as Dr. Eggman. You may refer to me as Robotnik-sensei, Eggman-sensei, or Master. Preferably Master. But I'll accept the other two. Now, onto attendance. Let's see here... [looking over his list] Screw alphabetical order! Kaorin!

Kaorin [the unimportant girl with a girl-crush on the taller Sakaki; raises hand]: Here!

Eggman: Chihiro!

Chihiro [another extra, Kaorin's friend]: Here!

Eggman: Sakaki!

Sakaki [the tall shy girl with a secret love of cute things; speaks quietly]: Here.

Eggman: Kagura!

Kagura [the cool athletic chick; responds with vigor and pride]: Yo!

Eggman [clearly impressed]: Hmm, impressive! Next is... Tomo!

Tomo [the energetic chick; in a crazy voice]: YEAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Eggman [clearly unimpressed]: Okay, lady, you're trying too hard. Sakaki!

Sakaki [still quietly]: You just called my name, sir.

Eggman: Sorry, you're right. Um, next is... Yomi!

Yomi [glasses, long hair, Tomo's friend]: Here.

Eggman: Kagura!

Kagura [confused]: Um, I'm right here, sir!

Eggman: Hey, thanks! Okay, who crossed this name out? I can make out Ayumu or something--

Osaka [the charming but somewhat slow girl from Osaka; speaks in an accent, which in Azumanga Daioh's dub is a southern accent, which is what we're basing this on]: Oh, that's me! I'm right here, y'all!

Eggman: Right, Osaka. And that's a nickname, I take it?

Osaka [nodding]: You got 'er.

Eggman: I'm going to call you Texas.

Osaka [taken aback]: Texas!?

Eggman: Quiet down, Texas. Moving on. ...the hell? Sakaki, why is your name here like three times?

Sakaki [still quiet and polite]: Maybe you should read it in alphabetical order, sir.

Eggman [crumples the paper]: Okay, screw the list, I'm pretty sure everyone else is here-- [notices someone] Ah, you must be the infamous child genius Chiyo Mihama! Am I correct?

Chiyo [cutely]: Hai, Eggman-sensei!

Eggman [walks up to her, stares at her for a moment]: Chiyo, you have the makings of an ideal Eggman Empire citizen! [suddenly, out of nowhere] I'm going to make a robot that looks that you. With weapons.

Chiyo [looks shocked]: But, um, Eggman-sensei, weapons are bad!--

Eggman [laughs]: Of course they are, when you're on the receiving end of them! [slightly crazy] But when you wield them, it's the greatest feeling in the world!!!

[As Chiyo freaks out, Tomo stands and interrupts.]

Tomo [crazy, loud, irritating]: I remember you now! You're that Dr. Eggman that always loses to Sonic the Hedgehog!

Eggman [quietly upset]: I let him win, to lull him into a false sense of security--

Tomo: BWAHAHAHA!!! Bullshit! You suck! If I were you I'd have beaten Sonic like seven times over by now!

Eggman: Oh, yeah? Well, if you think you're so big, sweet cheeks, your homework assignment is to capture Sonic the Hedgehog!

Tomo: Alright, I will! And I'll do a better job than you ever could, tubs!

Yomi [to Tomo]: Don't do it, Tomo. You'll only get hurt. And annoy the hell out of me.

Chiyo [freaking out]: THIS CLASS IS SCARY!!!

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[Jam's Restaurant. Jam as in Guilty Gear Jam. Chinese waitress girl with the martial arts and the energy kicks and whatnot, who likes, according to various profiles and win quotes, "young, pretty boys." Chris and Amy have just sat down.]

Chris [still way too polite for his own good]: You'll like the food here, Amy! Danny says the dumplings here are great, as well as the service!

Amy [somewhat impressed]: Well, it is nice so far. Good environment, good prices, and apparently Ky Kiske of the Holy Order eats here!

Chris [excited]: Really? Ky's so cool! Not as cool as Sonic, but a close second!

Jam [comes up to the two]: Good afternoon, dear patrons-- [sees Chris] WOW! Aren't you just adorable!

Amy [blushes]: Yeah, I am pretty cute--

Jam: Not you. I mean this little boy! [pinching Chris's cheeks] What's your name?

Chris [laughing nervously]: I'm Chris Thorndyke! It's a pleasure to meet you!

Jam [super happy]: Oh, of the Thorndyke family! Well then, the entire meal for you and your guest is on the house!

Amy [happy]: Well, thanks! Isn't she nice?

Chris: She is, she is!

Jam [giggling]: Ah, youngsters! What can I get for you today?

[Chris and Jam go into a long and boring conversation. Amy takes this chance to sneak away.]

Chris [looking around]: Hmm... where did Amy go?

Jam [suddenly sounding alot more... seductive]: Oh, I'm sure she's fine. Chris, why don't you come with me to the back? I can show you how to properly insert hot dogs into buns...

Chris [oblivious]: Sure! I always mess that up! Thanks, Jam!

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[Well into the afternoon, Eggman, Bowser, and Il Palazzo are walking down the street in Station Square.]

Eggman [excited]: I'm telling you guys, the way my teaching works, those pupils of mine will end up becoming EXCELLENT citizens of my Eggman Empire!

Bowser [slightly sarcastic]: Heh, only you can think of something like that. Turning children into puppets. Real swell of you, Ivo.

Eggman: Yeah, I am the "l33t pwnzorz!!11" or whatever the fuck online douchebags type these days. [his stomach growls] I'm hungry, guys. Where should we go to eat?

Il Palazzo: Well, wherever we go, make sure there isn't anything with bacon grease on it. [grimaces] That shit is not only nasty, but it gave Bowser here the nastiest shit-farts that I've ever smelt.

Bowser [proud]: Yeah, that was great!

Eggman: What say we head over to my cafe then?

Bowser: No way, dood, that's weak! [Eggman cocks an eyebrow] I need something that'll fill me up good, cuz I'm hungry like a motherfuckah!

Il Palazzo: How about a pizza place then?

Eggman [points out]: Halt your actions, fellows! This looks like a good place to eat! [Eggman points to a restaurant with a hastily patched-up window, cracked walls, and basically all the makings of a dump.]

Il Palazzo [eyes the place]: ...Are you retarded? That place looks like ass. Besides, look at that billboard; the slogan is being held up by that two-tailed fox-boy you're always trying to kill.

Eggman [thinking]: Hmm... so it does. And yet... I am intrigued by this delicious proposal of combining pancakes and steak! Let's give it a try!

Bowser: Yeah!

[Eggman and Bowser both enter Knuckles's new restaurant, with Il Palazzo hesitantly tagging along. Tails puts down the sign.]

Il Palazzo [sighs and mutters]: I suppose it wouldn't be bad to give it a shot.

Knuckles [acting the waiter; holding menus in his hands]: Welcome to Knuckles the Echidna's Pancakes & Steak: Together at Last! A table for three, gentlemen?

Il Palazzo [looks around the grimy floor, the etched windows, the dripping ceiling in one of the corners of the roof; he then looks around at the "tables"]: ...Are you using two beach chairs, a stool, and an Excitebike as chairs? And this "table" of yours doesn't match this at all...

Shadow [also there]: It's a patio. ...An indoor patio. It's patio-flavored. Yes, that'll do.

Eggman: Whatever. I call the Excitebike! [Eggman stupidly jumps on the bike, which suddenly falls on its side] OOOOWWW!!! Wow, now that's excitement!

Il Palazzo [not impressed]: Quite.

[The three sit down, as Knuckles hands them their menus. Il Palazzo takes a look through the menu, as his brow raises in confusion]

Il Palazzo: Okay… [reading some of the items] Pancakes, Steak, Pancakes and Steak, Pancake-Shaped Steaks, and... Steak-Shaped Pancakes!?

Eggman [in deep thought]: Hmm... They all sound so delicious... I don't know what I want! Hey, what are you two gonna order?

Il Palazzo [still in disbelief; tugs Shadow's arm]: Excuse me, sir, but... Seriously, where's the ACTUAL menu?

Shadow: Don't touch me.

Bowser: Ooooo! I'll have the T-Bone and Flapjack special!

Knuckles: Excellent choice, sir. Would you like hot sauce with that? Some Tabasco-flavored maple syrup perhaps?

Bowser [cheery]: Sounds like a plan!

Il Palazzo [looks around]: Am I on Candid Camera? Where is it? Where's that damned camera? This is too stupid to be real!

Eggman [slightly annoyed]: Illy, stop fussing. I swear, you're like a fucking eight year old.

Il Palazzo: Ivo, do you not see how ridiculous this all is?

Eggman [indifferent]: Ridiculous? How? [to Knuckles] I'll have the Lumberjack's Artery-Clogging Breakfast, good sir!

Shadow [from the back]: Knuckles, can I start burning things now?

Il Palazzo [eye twitches]: Did you not just hear him?!

Bowser [sounding all smart]: Illy, of course, it might not be at the professional level you'd expect at a hotel, or Denny's, or your snooty ACROSS Cafe, but they're just starting out! Give them a fucking break!

Shadow [from the back]: Hey Knuckels, give Mr. Hissy-Fit in the dress a free meal so he knows where to go next time!

Knuckles [anger]: It's Knuckles, you dumb hog! [clears his throat and looks at Il Palazzo] Your meal is on the house, sir.

Eggman [intrigued]: Wow... you gotta love this service here!

Il Palazzo [sighs]: Perhaps I'll just give it a try, at the very least... [to Knuckles] And what range of beverages do you offer?

Knuckles: We've rummaged up some Pilsners, Coors, and we even found a couple bottles of Bacardi Breezers.

Bowser: I'll take a Breezer with my meat!

Il Palazzo [slight shock]: ...Is this supposed to be a family restaurant?

Shadow [walks up to Knuckles, not hiding his voice at all]: Hey I found some weird bottles in the back! I'm gonna open them and pass them off as drinks!

Knuckles: Good to go, mang! [leaves his hand in the air for a high five]

Shadow [looks at his hand]: Hmm... your mittens are dirty. I am not touching that.

Knuckles: Hey, relax, man. I'll wash them after we deal with our customers!

Il Palazzo [medium shock]: ...And you serve food like that!?

[A few minutes later, Bowser and Eggman look satisfied as their meals arrive.]

Bowser: Hey! I believe I asked for hot sauce! [grabs some off of Knuckles, and starts dabbing all over his T-bone and pancakes]

Il Palazzo [disgusted]: Should I be happy that my meal's free?

Eggman [pats Illy's shoulders]: Relax, man! Live a little!

Il Palazzo: With their health standards, I'll live if I don't eat.

Eggman [his plate suddenly empty]: You're a crazy shit then, dude! This is damn good meat!

Bowser [scarfing down glowing red pancakes]: The pancakes are so fluffy, and the hot sauce really makes my flames SEAR! [spits out a small but perfect fire breath, dissipating like gas]

Il Palazzo [gets up]: Well, don't come crying to me when you both die of food poisoning! [Il Palazzo leaves angrily]

Eggman [sad]: Wow... [looks at Il Palazzo's empty seat] He didn't get to order...

Shadow [yells from the back]: Hey, I just found some cockroaches!!! Everyone eat faster!!

Bowser [angry]: Those roach skanks aren't gonna get at MY steak and cakes! [devours his food, plate and all]

[Knuckles proceeds to punch the hell out of the roaches, with chunks of bug on his gloves.]

Eggman [getting up from his seat]: Ah, good food indeed! How much, gents?

Shadow [calculating]: Let's see... With taxes, and we're gonna use Canadian GST for the heck of it, your order comes to $12,890.53. We need the money to buy this place and to continue our practice legally. You know, with the license and the bribing of city officials and health personnel and whatnot.

Eggman [shocked at the steep bill]: Well... You're lucky that was the best damn food I've ever eaten! [pulls out a check book, and hands a filled out check to them]

Shadow [shifty eyes]: And, um, for him [looks at Bowser] it's the same.

Bowser [pulls out a large sack of Mario-land coins out of his shell]: I believe this'll cover it.

Eggman [smiling]: Don't worry about the customer problems. We'll let everyone know of this place! [Eggman and Bowser walk out, with Eggman suddenly throwing up outside]

Shadow [to Knuckles]: I told you we shouldn't have added that carton of funky-smelling milk to their pancakes.

Knuckles: Well, I didn't want to mix the "just add water" pancake batter with water, stupid! [looks at the clock] And we're still open for a couple more hours, so don't slack off yet.

Shadow [sighing]: Goody.

[Sonic and Tails enter.]

Shadow [to Tails]: Weren't you just here?

Tails: I left. [sniffing the air] This place somehow smells worse than before. Was Eggman here?

Sonic [snide]: Well, I see the health inspector hasn't closed you down yet.

Shadow: Laugh all you want, faker, but we're actually making a profit.

Tails [blinks]: You scammed Eggman, didn't you?

Shadow [patting Tails's head]: Why of course, Tails! There's no better way to make money!

Knuckles: So, you guys want something to eat? We got pancakes, steak, pancakes and steak--

Sonic: We get it Knuckles. And no.

[Three schoolgirls enter. Don't ask how they managed to get across the ocean so easily.]

Tomo [yelling way too loudly for her own good]: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! YOU MUST BE SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, MY NEW NEMESIS!

Sonic [sighing]: What did Eggman tell you?

Tomo [stands on a table]: MY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT IS TO CAPTURE YOU AND PROVE MYSELF TO THE FAT MAN! NOW, [points to an open cage] GET IN THAT CAGE!!!

[Sonic says nothing for a moment, then starts laughing uncontrollably. He falls to the ground, holding his sides, laughing his head off. As he continues laughing, Tomo quickly ties a rope around his ankles and starts pulling him.]

Sonic [sees the rope]: Hey-- HEY! [he spin dashes, shredding the rope and flinging Tomo across the room] You know, that was the most... original kidnapping attempt I've ever been involved in.

Kagura: Ignore the idiot. We're looking for a table for three--OH MY GOD!!! Are you the legendary Shadow the Hedgehog!?

Shadow [cool]: The one and only, m' dear!

Tomo [getting up]: YOUR GAME SUCKED!

Shadow [nods]: Yeah, the gameplay and camera work should've been eight times better. And what was up with that story?

Kagura [looking all hopeful]: Will you sign my shirt, Mr. Shadow?

Shadow [pulling a felt out of nowhere, starts signing the shirt near the waist, because he's a gentleman and not a pervert]: Hmmm... I have shirts. This is news! And... [finishes] there you go!

Kagura [bows respectfully, then reads what Shadow wrote]: "Have fun, kill all humans. Shadow. <3" Thank you so much! This is awesome!

Osaka [stomach growling]: I'm so hungry! I can't believe I forgot my lunch today! Say, speaking of which, I bring you... Grains of Truth! Did you know that rice is the most popular grain in the world?

Tails: Well, yeah, that makes sense--

Knuckles [interrupting]: That's not the Grains of Truth! That's the Truth about Grains!

Osaka [all happy that someone got it]: Yay! Give me five, brother!

[Knuckles and Osaka are about to high five... but then they miss and slap each other's faces. They're clutching their faces, whining about.]

Tails [disbelief]: Oh my god there's two of them.

Sonic [to Tomo]: Okay, little girl, tell you what; I'll get inside that cage if you can prove it's bigger than me!

Tomo [all proud]: You silly rodent! I'm bigger than you are, and the cage can house me! Observe!

[Tomo crawls into the cage. Sonic promptly closes it behind her.]

Tomo [panicking]: HEY! THIS ISN'T FAIR! LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT!

Tails [observing the trapped girl]: I assume this is going to entertain you for the day.

Sonic [evil]: Oh yeah, baby! It will! [to Tomo] Okay, Tomo, I'll let you out AND get into the cage if you can outrun me to the pier!

Tomo [sad face]: Can I get out first?

[Sonic breaks the cage with his trademark spinning jump.]

Tomo [all excited again]: OH YEAH, TOMO'S FREE! AND... GO!

[Tomo runs out the door, nearly tripping. Sonic sits at a table, relaxed.]

Tails: You're going to embarrass that poor brainwashed girl by beating her there in the last few seconds, aren't you?

Kagura [to Shadow]: Could you sign my other shirt? To Kagura, please.

Shadow: Of course! Always happy to oblige. [signs "Dearest Kagura, don't telephone the mayor. Love, Shadow."]

[Amy enters.]

Amy: Hey bitches.

Tails: That was unusually crude of you Amy.

Amy: Yeah, well, fuck you too. I managed to ditch Chris over at Jam's place.

Sonic [still relaxing, but then realizes what Amy said]: You did NOT just say that.

Amy: Yeah. Why?

Sonic [stands up, puts his hands on Amy's shoulders]: Amy, Jam likes pretty, young boys.

Amy [doesn't get it]: Uh-huh... and!?

Sonic: Let me rephrase that. Jam REALLY LOVES pretty, young BOYS.

Amy [shakes her head]: Still not following you.

Sonic: Think of Jam as you, and Chris as me.

Amy [blushes for a moment, lost in dreamland, but then]: ...OH MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?

Sonic: Hmm, this is gonna be tight. I gotta get to Jam's before Chris's innocence is robbed from him, and then beat Tomo to the pier. This'll be fun! [He takes off in a blue blur.]

______________________________________________

COMMERCIAL

Eggman [in a top hat, bow tie, sweat pants, and no shirt]: Greetings, good people! I usually have a bunch of crap to say right about now, but nothing can prepare you for my next product: Eggman Tampons!--

Sonic [panic, jump kicks Eggman]: NO EGGMAN!!!

Tails [right up to the camera]: People of the world, TURN TO ANOTHER CHANNEL! DO NOT WATCH THIS COMMERCIAL!!!

[Meanwhile, in Japan...]

Akira [angry]: Those mean Cronies are interrupting Eggman's newest, latest, and surely greatest product!

Daigo: Yes. Yes they are. And I, for one, praise them for it.

Akira [sad]: But... But I need a new brand--

Daigo [plugging his ears]: I'M NOT LISTENING LA LA LA!!! [realization] Wait, wait... Wait a minute, wait a minute... You can only use those after you've had sex... [Daigo experiences The Rage of Realization (tm)] WHO WAS IT AKIRA!? WAS IT EDGE!? WAS IT!!?

Akira [laughs at the thought]: No way, jeez! You get the strangest ideas sometimes, big brother--

[It's too late. Daigo has already stormed out the front door.]

Akira [shakes her head]: Oh, poor Edge.

[Meanwhile, outside the house, Edge was just about to visit Daigo and Akira. He holds a lovely bouquet of flowers. See, Edge is in love with Akira, but is still working up the nerve to ask her out.]

Edge: Oh, hey boss! Is Akira around? [shows the flowers] I got a little something for her, see?

Daigo [glowing demonic eyes]: Haven't. You. Done. Enough. EDGE!!?

Edge [laughing nervously, taking a step back]: Um, well, no not really--

Daigo [takes a hard step forward, leaving an inch-deep imprint of his foot in the pavement]: "Not really?" NOT REALLY!!?

Edge [cautious optimism]: Um, ya, really--

Daigo [charges, as he exudes a fiery aura]: I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!

[Elsewhere close by, Roberto is outside massaging his still-healing foot.]

Roberto: Ah, it sure is nice out here! [hears something] Hmm... Mari-chan, is that you? You came to visit?

[Edge jumps the fence of Roberto's yard, throwing knives to try and fend off his enraged boss. Daigo deflects the knives with his bare hands. One of the deflected knives flies straight and true, in slow motion... into Roberto's healing bullet wound on his foot.]

Roberto [mad Portuguese fury]: AAAAW RAIOS!!! FILHO DA MAE!!! PORQUE!? POR-FUCKING-QUE!!?

[Back in the studio, Eggman is bound and gagged, hanging upside down.]

Knuckles: Hey, guys, what's a tampon?

Rouge: Something you'll never make a girl need to wear.

Knuckles [oblivious]: Oh, okay.

Announcer [catchy jingle]: â™ªâ™«Pledge allegiance to Eggman!â™ªâ™« <sparkle noise>

______________________________________________

[The Azumanga Daioh school.]

Eggman [at the board]: And that's how you say "Eggman owns all you biznatches" in English!

Chiyo [taking copious notes]: All... you... biznatches. Got it!

Tomo [in a cage in her desk]: Yo, fatso! Let me out of here!

Eggman: I meant to ask there, Tomo, but how did Sonic get you into that cage?

Kagura: Yeah, he had you in there once, but you got out! How did you get back into the cage again!?

Tomo: Well...

[TOMO'S WACKY FLASHBACK]

Tomo [running at superhuman speed, with Sonic lagging behind her and trying to keep up]: HAHAHA!!! I am much faster than Sonic the Hedgehog or any spaceship!

Sonic [panting]: She is too powerful! Gasp! [he actually says "Gasp"]

Tomo [laughing maniacally]: I have reached the pier! Now get in the cage!

Eggman [rising out of the water in a mech]: I will destroy this city! Get ready!

Tomo [acting all cool]: Says you! [she jumps into a Sonic Spin (somehow) and hits the mech's one fatal weak spot, causing it to start exploding]

Eggman [down but not out]: Oh yeah!? GET THEM MY REPTILIAN NINJAS!!!

Sonic [still tired]: I can't move! Tomo, the world's fate lies with you!

Tomo [the seven Chaos Emeralds surround her, and she turns super with Dragon Ball-ish golden spiky hair]: Never fear! SUPER TOMO DOESN'T NEED RINGS!!! HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

[Super Tomo flies into the army of ninjas.]

[END TOMO'S WACKY FLASHBACK]

Tomo [in her cage, punching the air]: And I took out those reptilian ninjas, all one million of 'em! And I saved the world from YOU, Dr. Eggman!

Eggman [amazed]: Okay, um, Tomo, you included me in your story but I wasn't there. Which means that you're lying. Kagura, what actually happened?

Kagura: I dunno, but I got my shirt signed by Shadow the Hedgehog!!! [all happy]

Eggman: Texas, what about you?

Osaka [not worrying about her new nickname]: That Knuckles boy was nice! We gotta talk more often! But here's what really happened:

[OSAKA'S UNCHARACTERISTICALLY ACCURATE FLASHBACK]

Sonic [with Chris on his back, running towards the pier]: Chris, if you need saving from horny female Chinese pedophiles again, ask someone else, because I WILL leave you there!

Chris [oblivious and, as always, polite]: What do you mean? All Miss Jam said is that she wanted me to see what was in her pink box! But before she could show me the box, you and Mr. Kiske broke down the door and simultaneously yelled at her to stop!

Sonic [sighs]: Never mind, kid. [drops him off] When you're older, you'll be thankful. Later!

[END OSAKA'S UNCHARACTERISTICALLY ACCURATE FLASHBACK]

Osaka: And then Sonic made it to the pier approximately one hour before Tomo showed up. I know because I rode on Knuckles as he glided above the city. We saw and heard it all. But the poor Chinese lady has to appear in court now.

Eggman [checks his watch]: Oh, shit, that's today!? BOWSER'S COURT CASE IS TODAY, TOO!!! I have to appear in both! [all serious] Children, I enjoyed my day as your substitute teacher. As a gift to you for being such good students, you'll be the first to see... [pulls a white sheet off of his latest inventions] MY NEW MECHA-CHIYO-CHAN!!!

Chiyo [astonishment]: You actually made those!?

Mecha-Chiyo [looks like a clearly robotic Chiyo, speaks in an echo-y metallic voice]: I'm Chiyo Mihama. I'm ten years old.

Chiyo [angry]: I'm TWELVE now!!!

Eggman: Ten. Now, this is just a weaponless prototype, but once at full capacity it will be able to level a small city within minutes!

Tomo [from within her cage]: Cooooooooooooooool...

[Suddenly, who should break in but...]

Miss Yukari [the class's REAL teacher; in "angry" mode which is quite scary]: YOU ASSHOLE!!! NO ONE TRAPS ME IN A CLOSET OVERNIGHT UNLESS HE'S CUTE AND SINGLE!!!

Eggman [panic]: Oh, shit! Come, Mecha-Chiyo-Chan! To Station Square! [jumps through the window, as the robot follows]

Osaka [teary eyed as the robot jumps out the window]: CHIYO-CHAN, NOOOOOOOO!!!

Chiyo: Um, Osaka, I'm right here!

Osaka [amazed]: Wow, how'd ya do that?

______________________________________________

[The end of the school day at Tomoeda Elementary. Amidst the crowd of kids passing through the doors to get home, we see Lloyd and Genis walking out of the school doors.]

Genis: Wow, that was a great class! And what an easy test! [flashes his paper] I got 100%! [sees Lloyd nod, also showing off a 94% test] Yay! We're good test buddies now! Just like I've always dreamed!

Lloyd: HAHAHA! Yeah I'm just that damn good!

Genis: That class was so great, I don't even remember what I was worried about--[sees something unfortunate at the school gates] Oh no! OH NO!!!

Lloyd [panic]: What do we do? What do we do!? I don't wanna gooooooo!!! I'm doing so well!!!

Raine [walks up to them slowly]: So, you boys decided to leave MY classroom and catch a ride off OUR planet with Eggman, just to come and play games!? Now enough is enough. Time to go home. [Standing by them] Lloyd, Genis, let's go.

Genis [defiant]: ...NO.

Raine [raising her brow a slight]: ..."No?" Now don't be silly. [pinches Lloyd's ear] Come on now, I've got what I need to go back home. And Lloyd, the first thing you'll get, as your punishment for leaving, is two hours holding massive buckets filled with heavy sandbags!!!

Genis [casts a light Fireball on Raine's hand, setting Lloyd free]: I said we're not going back! Right Lloyd?

Lloyd [starts stuttering]: Y-yeah! Besides, I'm learning!!!

Raine [not amused]: I said let's go! [grabs Genis's arm]

Genis [charging magic in his hands]: And I said NO!!!

Captain Falcon: Hey, what's going on out here?

Lloyd [blubbering]: C-cap-- sensei! [hugs the captain]

Genis [throws his charged spell at her arm, breaking free from Raine's grasp]: Falcon-sensei!! [latches onto the man's leg]

Captain Falcon [stern]: Excuse me, ma'am, but I want to know what the hell you're doing with my students.

Raine [raising an eyebrow]: YOUR students? I'll have you know that these two belong to me! [beckons the boys with her hand] Come along now, boys.

Captain Falcon [his fiery, his fists clenched, he shoos Genis and Lloyd away]: Are you their teacher... [voice filling with rage] the one-room schoolhouse child beater!?

Raine: Of course! And you are?

[Meanwhile, we see Sakura and Shaoron putting on their outdoor shoes in the locker room.]

Shaoron: You know, I think the next time I see Genis, I want to have a friendly little magic duel with him, and see whose magic is better.

Sakura: Now Shaoron, don't go overboard--

Captain Falcon [a faint but really furious tone coming outside the school]: Falcon... PUNCH!!!

[Raine crashes through the locker room wall, with Captain Falcon following right behind her, delivering a very fiery assault of righteousness!]

Sakura [surprised]: Oh my god!!! Shaoron, what do we do!?

Shaoron [more intrigued than surprised]: I want to see how this ends.

Captain Falcon [repeatedly slamming his fists and kicks into her]: You disgrace the very nature of teachers everywhere, with your horrid and unorthodox treatment of the children!!!

Genis [cheering]: GO Falcon-sensei!

Raine [coughs]: Genis, you're getting SO much of a beating when we get home. And it goes double for you, Lloyd!

Lloyd [surprised]: Hey!

Captain Falcon: Not on my watch, you ungrateful waste! [slams another punch to her] And to think, you would even defile your own brother for your own twisted and perverse sin!

Raine [wipes some blood off]: Give me a break! I only did that twice! He was fast asleep when I did it too, so how would he have known!?

Genis [overcome with shock]: .........................................WHAT!!?

Lloyd: Whoa... Genis, it's true!?

Genis [traumatized]: I was lying... I WAS LYING! WHY IS IT TRUE!? [stares in shock]

Lloyd [amused]: Wow, Genis, your lie backfired! You got self-owned!

Genis: It's not funny, Lloyd! She actually DID it!

Lloyd [chuckles]: I know it's not technically funny, but it is sort of poetic justice, you know? You told a lie to Falcon-sensei, and Karma paid you back by changing the past with his voodoo powers!

Genis: ...You're an idiot. [still lost in space] My entire world is crashing down around me...

Captain Falcon [anger overtaking him, as he tosses Raine angrily to the side]: As much as it sickens me to let a creepy pedophile like you live, it's not my way to kill. I won't have this kind of violence on the school grounds. [deadly tone] Leave, and NEVER bother my students again!!!

Shaoron [to Sakura]: Didn't HE start the fight? Per usual?

[Sakura nods.]

Raine [lifting herself up slowly]: Fine, but my brother and Lloyd ARE going to come back with me.

Lloyd: No way Professor! I actually LEARN and DON'T get punished if I'm not sure of the answer! I love it here!

Genis: You actually did it... [still lost] Was that why I had those dreams where Presea and I were intimate!? THEY WEREN'T DREAMS AT ALL!!! OH, PRESEA, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SEE ME IN THAT DRESS!?

Shaoron: Wow, this school never ceases to amaze me. Magic, aliens, molestation, magic alien molestation, and helmets. It's got it all.

[Sakura just groans.]

Raine [offended]: ...Fine. I'll come back for you later.

Captain Falcon [angrily eying Raine slumping away]: And I'll be waiting for you. [to Lloyd and Genis] Don't worry boys. I doubt she'll be a thorn in your sides ever again. And if she does come back, I'll just gank her sorry ass! [starts laughing triumphantly] HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Lloyd [amazed]: Wow! He's like the father I never had!

Genis [looking at Lloyd with disbelief]: Lloyd, you already have TWO fathers.

Captain Falcon [astounded]: HEEBA-JEEBA-WHA!?

Lloyd: Oh yeah... Well, I mean the cool big brother I never had! [thinking] No wait... [he confused himself] Can I keep calling you "teach" instead? [Falcon nods]

Shaoron: Wow... I've never seen Falcon-sensei act so... mercilessly.

Sakura: Yeah. Sure, he's a little... strange--

Captain Falcon: C'mon, kids! Let's enjoy my victory against another child molester and horrible teacher, with some delectable ice cream!

Sakura: --but he really hates perverts, so he can't be all bad! [to Genis] Are you okay, Genis?

Genis [off in space]: I can't believe she actually did it... maybe Karma DID go back in time with his voodoo power... maybe... Lloyd was RIGHT!? IT CAN'T BE!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

______________________________________________

[A courtroom in Station Square.]

Bailiff [actually Random Person A; very loud]: HEAR YE, HEAR YE! THE COURT IS NOW IN SESSION! THE PEOPLE OF STATION SQUARE VS. JAM KURADOBERI! THE HONORABLE JUDGE KY KISKE PRESIDING!

Rouge [sitting in the courtroom for some reason]: Wait, why are YOU the judge?

Ky [in his regular outfit, with a mallet head attached to the tip of the Thunderseal sword]: They were short on people.

Sonic [also in the audience, looking around]: Didn't Eggman say he'd be here?

Knuckles: Yeah, he next door.

Sonic: "He next door?"

[Meanwhile, next door where he is...]

A Red Para-Troopa [on the witness stand]: The guy's a jerk! With no respect for his troops at all! We're underpaid, overworked, and forced to work in dangerous conditions with minimal safety gear!

Bowser [stands up behind the defendant's table, very angry]: YOU'RE DEAD TO ME, PARA-TROOPA!!! [Eggman, Bowser's lawyer, holds the angry turtle-dragon-man back]

[Back in Jam's trial, several witnesses have testified against the defendant. Let's fast-forward through a few testimonies, shall we?]

Space Pirate X [on the stand, demonic space pirate voice]: AND THAT'S WHEN SHE BROKE UP OUR MONOPOLY GAME, ASKING IF WE KNEW WHERE SHE COULD FIND SOME, QUOTE, "HOT YOUNG BOYS!!!"

[Another...]

Luigi: I find her-a ravishing as a woman, but-a disgusting as a human being.

[Yet another...]

Rock [Geese's son, Rock Howard]: A few years ago, my father hired the defendant to supposedly "make me a man." I punched my dad in the face for, basically, hiring me an admittedly attractive whore! I can get my own game, thanks!

Geese [in the crowd, stands]: THEN FATHER ME A GRANDSON, ALREADY!!!

Rock [also standing]: GO TO HELL, DAD!!!

Geese [punches Amy Rose away]: I'LL KILL YOU!!!

[A little later, after the courtroom is cleaned and the Howard family arrested...]

Eggman: I don't really dislike Jam, but as an aspiring world dictator, I cannot condone her obvious pedophilia. I mean, who wants to live in a world where its ruler will not stop someone who molests their children? And why the hell am I not the main feature in this final chapter?

Sonic [angry]: CUZ YOU'RE ALWAYS FUCKING MOOCHING OFF OF US!!!

Tails [to Ky]: Um, Judge, I know I'm not a part of this trial and all, but I object!

Ky: Sustained. Eggman, please sit down.

Eggman: Alright, fine.

[And finally...]

Bridget [at the witness stand]: And then, she told me that I didn't have to pay for my pork dumplings if I just showed HER *MY* pork dumplings. I hastily paid and left. It was rather embarrassing!

Knuckles [standing like a goof]: I OBJECT!

Ky [cocks an eyebrow]: To what, exactly!?

Knuckles: To that fucking tranny! He deceived me after the ice show!

Bridget: I was unconscious!

Knuckles: That's right! And I demand you pay for my burning hands, the ones I BLEACHED after feeling you up!

[Everyone in the court room lets out a disgusted gasp.]

Eggman: That's disgusting!

Ky [looks rather tired and annoyed]: Okay, everyone, shut up. [sighs] Jam...

[Jam looks at Ky from the defendant's table with puppy dog eyes.]

Ky: I'm afraid that in the face of such overwhelming evidence, I find you guilty of--

Sol [Sol Badguy; breaks through the wall]: I OBJECT!!!

Ky [surprised]: SOL!? ...WHY DIDN'T YOU USE THE DOOR!?

Sol [doesn't look too concerned about Ky's, um, concerns]: This is like the seventeenth wall I've broken through today! I couldn't find the damn room!

[SOL'S ANGRY FLASHBACK]

Sol [breaks through a wall]: I OBJECT!!!

[It's the women's bathroom, where several women scream.]

Sol: Nice boobs!

[Another room...]

Sol [breaks through a wall]: I OBJECT!!!

[It's the broom closet. A broom hits Sol's head.]

Sol: Ow. [unnecessary rage] BROOM, ARE YOU!?

[Another room...]

Sol [breaks through a wall]: I OBJECT!!!

Some Dude: You object to people denouncing drugs for life!?

[It's a drug rehab center, nowhere near the courthouse.]

Sol [embarrassed]: Oh, um, yeah, I was really off on that one, wasn't I?

Some Dude: Would you please leave, sir?

Sol: Oh, um, sure, sorry to bother you.

[Another room...]

Sol [breaks through a wall]: I OBJECT!!!

Bowser [angry]: Hey, c'mon, Sol, this is *my* case!

Sol [gives Bowser the finger]: Fuck you, shit head!

[Bowser slams his fist down on one of his Koopa Troopas, making it an empty shell. He grabs the shell and flings it at Sol, who vaporizes it with a Tyrant Rave.]

Supafly [the judge in Bowser's trial]: Well, this Fly be seein' all he be needin'! You guilty!

Bowser [yelling]: DAMN YOU SOL!!!

[Another room...]

Sol [breaks through a wall]: I OBJECT!!!

Ky [surprised]: SOL!? ...WHY DIDN'T YOU USE THE DOOR!? IN ADDITION, I AM A FOPPISH DANDY WHO LOVES FOIE GRAS AND THE SEXUAL COMPANY OF OTHER MEN!!!

[END SOL'S ANGRY FLASHBACK]

Ky: I did NOT say that!

Sol: Lies. Anyway... I call MYSELF to the stand!

[Everyone gasps.]

Knuckles [taken aback]: Surprised expression?

[Sonic gives Knuckles a strange eye.]

Sol [now on the witness stand]: I was there! I witnessed the whole thing!

Ky: Aw crap, he's a witness. [sighs heavily] Fine. Proceed.

Chris [in the audience as well (man, everyone and their mother is here)]: Hi, Mr. Badguy! I remember you from Jam's place!

Sol: Shut up, kid, I'm saving your ass. [starts explaining] Anyway, if you recall, earlier, the prosecution said that Jam told the boy to open her pink box... [Reveals a pink box] OF COOKIES!!!

[Everyone gasps.]

Chris: Hey, that's the same box she showed me!

Sol [opens it, takes a bite, chews a little]: Mmm, delicious! And they taste NOTHING like VAGINA! Which is a flavor that I'm sure our honorable fag-judge will never taste!

Ky: I object! That's immaterial--

Sol: Judges can't object, bitch! Now shut the fuck up!

Shadow [yes, he too is there]: Wow, it's so hostile in here.

Sol [continuing]: Furthermore, that fag over there [points at Bridget]--

Ky [hits his sword-hammer]: The witness will stop referring to the people in the court as "fags!"

Sol [points his weapon at Ky]: Denied.

Ky [curious]: Sol, is that a broom?

Sol [looks at the broom, realizes that he probably left the Fireseal in the broom closet earlier]: Ah, crap. Anyway, that "person" over there [points at Bridget] who is probably a raging homosexual, said that Jam wanted his "pork dumplings." [pulls out a book] This book, written by said cross-dressing homosexual, is titled, and I quote, "Bridget and You: How to Make Delectable Pork Dumplings!" The defendant merely wanted to swap recipes with another chef!

[Everyone gasps.]

Ky [shakes his head]: I cannot believe the bullshit you're pulling here, Sol.

Sol: In addition, I call one Ky Kiske to the stand!

[Everyone gasps louder, as Sol jumps off the stand and Ky reluctantly takes his place.]

Sol: Ky, do you swear to tell the truth and not be a dirty liar!?

Ky: I am a servant of God! Of course I swear!

Sol [evil]: Really!? Then are you a homosexual?

Ky: Dammit, Sol, you KNOW I'm not!

Sol [acting overly dramatic]: Oh, really? Then why is it that when the defendant, who you arrested, tried to get out of it by offering you sex, you denied her?

Shadow [in the background]: Now THIS is interesting!

Ky: I am an officer of the law! I cannot be tempted by urges! I have urges, Sol! Heterosexual urges! Your theory kinda goes in the shitter, doesn't it?

Sol [yelling]: DOES IT? MAYBE YOU ARE STRAIGHT AFTER ALL, BUT THEN DOESN'T THAT MEAN... THAT THE DEFENDANT ACTUALLY ONLY MADE ADVANCES ON YOU, SOMEONE HER OWN AGE!?

[Everyone gasps again.]

Sol [yelling]: AND YOU DIDN'T TAKE IT, DESPERATE TO CONVICT HER OF A CRIME SHE DIDN'T COMMIT AND THAT YOU CAN'T PROVE!?

[Everyone gasps yet again.]

Sol [has a cake donut in his hand suddenly]: CAKE DONUT, KY!? [takes a bite, chews carefully]

Ky [freaking out]: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU DOLT!? YOU'RE JUST YELLING ANGRILY NOW!!!

Sol [takes another bite, speaking with his mouth full, crumbs spraying on Ky]: WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT JAM HERSELF BAKED THESE DONUTS!?

[Everyone gasps very loudly. Amy Rose faints.]

Ky [can't believe this]: WHY ARE YOU ALL GASPING!? HE'S NOT MAKING ANY POINTS!!!

Sol: EXACTLY!!! HEY, JUDGE IN THE OTHER ROOM!!!

Supafly [from the hole in the wall]: Who be callin'?

Sol: Have you been listening? Our judge sucks! YOU make the call!

Supafly: Man, that whole little boy charge 'n' shit, that's whack. The chick ain't guiltin'. Ain't no one guiltin'! Everyone go home!

Sol [with more donuts]: AND EAT SOME CAKE DONUTS!!! [stuffs like three in his mouth] FUCK THAT'S GOOD!!!

[Everyone leaves. Jam goes up to Ky afterwards.]

Jam: Wanna go do it?

Ky [ponders]: ...I suppose.

______________________________________________

COMMERCIAL

[Eggman, in his apartment, wearing sweat pants... and a shirt! Yes, it's amazing. No top hat, no bow tie, no lack of a shirt! Wacky. He's being very lazy, scratching his stomach and occasionally his testicles. He guzzles down some Nesquik straight from the squeeze bottle.]

Eggman [chocolate syrup on his lips]: Mmm, chocolaty--

[Suddenly, a commercial announcer interrupts the peace...]

Announcer [way too loud]: READY! SET! B' DAMAN!!! [that shitty marble battle crap from Japan]

Fucking Little Geek A [yelling like a nerd from an apartment on the other side of the street from Eggman]: I CHALLENGE YOU TO A B' DA BATTLE!!!

Fucking Little Geek B [yelling from another window on the same building as his geeky friend]: LET'S BATTLE!

Announcer: B' DAMAN!!!

Eggman [impossibly furious rage, opening his window]: YOU FUCKING TWERPS! I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU!

[The nerds start shooting Eggman with their marble shooting mechs or whatever the fuck those Japanese invented this time.]

Eggman [annoyed]: Oh, it's on you little shits. [pulls out two marble-shooting gatling guns, starts pelting the kids with high speed marbles traveling fast enough to burn flesh. The geeks are taken aback for a moment, when suddenly...]

Geek's Little Sister A [cute, determined voice]: Leave our big brothers alone!

Geek's Little Sister B [holding a Sky Dancer "unicorn" launcher]: Go... Sky Dancers!

[The little girls start firing those twirling Sky Dancer dolls across the street at Eggman.]

[AUTHOR'S NOTE FROM CMA]

Yeah, hey. Gotta interrupt the commercial here a minute.

I don't know if any of you ever tried launching a Sky Dancer at another human being before, or if you've ever seen one. Look for Sky Dancers on Amazon.com or Google. Basically, what is supposed to be a harmless little girl's toy is, when properly launched, one hell of a painful weapon. It can cut skin if you're not careful. I know this through experience. Yes, I've been on both ends of a Sky Dancer "battle." That shit can break your will, I tell ya. It can leave you in fucking tears.

Observe.

[END THE NOTE]

[The Sky Dancers fly through Eggman's window, delivering stinging cuts to Eggman's cheek and the side of his flabby belly.]

Eggman [screaming like bloody murder, clutching the cuts and rolling on the ground]: AW FUCKING JESUS!!! BLOODY FUCKING CHRIST!!! PONTIUS SHITTY PILATE!!! THAT SHIT FUCKING STINGS!!! WHY DO THEY STILL MAKE SKY DANCERS FOR LITTLE GIRLS!!?

[The Sky Dancer assault continues, some of the dolls sticking to the side of the apartment building, others flying through the window and smashing THROUGH tables.]

Eggman [rage]: You little assholes just got the privilege of being LASERED! [Eggman pulls a remote out of nowhere. In orbit, an egg-shaped satellite with an Eggman insignia lets loose an Earth-busting laser. Both the kids' and Eggman's apartment, as well as several surrounding city blocks, are now a crater.]

[Some time later...]

Il Palazzo [to Eggman]: What the hell happened to you?

Eggman [charred, smoking]: I was on the wrong end of a Sky Dancer meteor swarm. [coughs up a Sky Dancer]

Il Palazzo: They still make that shit!? Man, they gotta ban that crap before someone loses an eye!

[They walk off into the distance as a B' Daman launcher and a Sky Dancer fall to the ground behind them.]

Announcer [catchy jingle]: â™ªâ™«Pledge allegiance to Eggman!â™ªâ™« <sparkle noise>

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Eggman [freaking out]: Okay, what the fuck kinda final chapter is this? I deserve to go out with a better bang!

Sonic: Quiet down, Eggman, the chapter and the series is over. You can go back to infecting Cronies right about now. Give some parting advice or something.

Eggman: Sure. [scratches his balls] Kids, don't EVER put Tiger Balm on your balls. It's not a lube, and it brings burning, searing pain to both partners--

Sonic: OH GOD SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!! [spin dashes into Eggman, launching him into the side of a building]

Eggman [in pain]: OUCH! MY BALLS! SOMEONE GET ME SOME TIGER BALM!

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The end... of the Adventures of Eggman.

But... Coming Soon...

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Tails [in his house]: Okay, guys, we have to stop the lazy antics! The Cronies stand for justice and have to defend the earth from further threats!

Sonic [triumphantly]: That's right! Eggman, those Moonies, and all the other bad guys who think they're better than us! [he sees Shadow raising his hand] Yes, Shadow!

Shadow: Do we get to drive around some more, and catch criminals and jail them?

Sonic: YES! In fact, we SHOULD have been doing that already! [Knuckles raises his hand] Knuckles, speak!

Knuckles: Can I keep the Pancakes and Steak restaurant?

Tails: Yes! Somehow, you're pulling in revenue, and I can't be the only one doing that! Good on you, Knuckles!

Knuckles: Sweet!

Rouge [raises her hand]: Yeah, um, we can't be everywhere at once! How is the reservist plan coming along!

Sonic [smiles]: I'm glad you asked!

[Suddenly, many mysterious silhouettes appear in the house. As a clue to our readers, here are some descriptions: 1) a man with a long katana and long hair, 2) a spherical being, 3) a slim-built boy holding a machine gun, 4) a floating man with a cape, a cane, and mysterious priestly air about him, 5) a girl with short hair and a blue aura, 6) another slim boy with glasses and an elaborately decorated knife, and finally 7) an Alliance human with a pirate hat who once held his place on a pier. Who are they?]

Sonic: Meet... the Reservist Cronies! Also known as... The Associates!

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Stay tuned...