Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Epic Legend of Sonic's Rock Band ❯ Very Humble Beginnings ( Chapter 1 )

Obligatory Author's Introduction: Hi there, bitches! My name's TigerEyes549. If you've ever heard of me, chances are you're either dead or on the brink of dying, because I haven't graced the Internet with the presence of a new fanfic in at least a year. The reasons for this absence are pending, but all I can say right now is that FF.Net is fucking retarded. End of discussion.

I hope you all enjoy this little yarn, but be warned: ahead lies swearing. If you're offended by foul language I suggest you press that big ol' Back button on your browser, because there is some cussing here. Anyone who hasn't heard the word "shit" yet should leave now.

Also, here is the legal DISCLAIMER. I don't own any of the characters mentioned in this fic. Company's who might want to sue me, but can't now because of this disclaimer, are: Sega, Namco, Starbucks, and whatever record lable those pussies Good Charlotte belong to. I think that's it.

OH! Almost forgot! This story was largely inspired by the fanfic Cronies, by The Triple Peeps. I borrow many of their techniques, including but not limited to: brackets [] around actions, the bold time and place description at the beginning of each scene, commericals, and whatever else you find that you've seen in their material. If you've never read their stories, you're missing out.

Now that we got all that ugly stuff out of the way, you can read the fic now! Enjoy, review, and whatnot.

\______________________________________________________________ ___________/

The Epic Legend of Sonic's Rock Band

By TigerEyes549

Chapter 1: Very Humble Beginnings

12:24 P.M.

Station Square

Sonic's Apartment aka "The Place Where Everyone Bums"

It was a sunny afternoon at Station Square. Sonic and Shadow were appropriately "chillin'" at Sonic's apartment, watching all the shitty TV shows that happen to be on during the daytime, hence the name "daytime television." They're pretty bored, actually.

Shadow: [sprawled on the sofa; has a half-eaten bag of Lays potato chips in his hand] Sonic. Sonic. Sonic. Sonic. Sonic. Sonic.

Sonic: [is upside down in a La-Z-Boy recliner; has an empty box of Twinkies over his head] What. What. What. What. What. What.

Shadow: I'm really bored.

Sonic: You know what, so am I. Ever since Nick Jr. ended TV has gotten really boring.

Shadow: …You were watching that?

Sonic: [realizes blunder] Uh, no! I mean, it's not like I actually watch Dora The Explorer, or anything that could be associated with pre-schoolers. I'm like, anti-Dora The Explorer. Yeah.

Shadow: So I guess that thousand-dollar, life-sized statue of Swiper you bought at Baby Gap has no connection to your unhealthy obsession with Nick Jr.?

Sonic: …That's about right!

Shadow: You're hopeless.

Sonic: You know, my dad said that to me all the time when I was a kid.

Shadow: I can imagine Sonic, I really can.

Sonic: Well, this discussion is getting us nowhere.

Shadow: Yeah, we really have to think of something to do. Have you heard anything from Knuckles or Rouge lately?

Sonic: Last time I heard from Knuckles he was piss-drunk in an alley behind a nude bar, and he said he was missing a kidney or something. I wasn't really listening.

Shadow: …When was this?

Sonic: Couple weeks ago. I didn't think it was that big of a deal.

Shadow: Aaand why didn't you tell me this?

Sonic: I told you, it didn't seem that important.

(Awkward pause.)

Shadow: Ooooookay, moving on. How about Rouge?

Sonic: I really don't have any idea. She's probably just smuggling precious stones somewhere.

Shadow: Or stealing Knuckle's kidneys.

Sonic: Oh, so true. Let's see, how's our old pal Eggman doing?

Shadow: I saw him on the news last night, he got arrested for feeding a tube of toothpaste to a puppy.

Sonic: Ouch.

Shadow: What about your old buddy Tails?

Sonic: Ohhh yeah, Tails! Hmm, I can't really remember where he went off to. That's a shame, he's a real pal.

(Under the couch, they hear a muffled voice that sounds something like "Asshole sons of bitches.")

Sonic: Did you hear that?

Shadow: Hear it, I FELT it!

Sonic: [like he's remembering something] Oh shit…

Shadow: [feels couch start to rumble] Sonic, why did you just say "shit"?

Sonic: Oh, uh, no reason! Nothing at all!

Shadow: [couch is rumbling violently and heating up; Shadow is now clutching onto it with all fours] SONIC! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!

Sonic: NOTHING, I SWEAR! DON'T HURT ME!

(The couch is now shaking and smoking, and a bright light is forming under it. Shadow looks scared shitless, Sonic is looking away whistling. With a cry of "POWER LASER!" the couch explodes, sending Shadow flying into a wall, and bits and pieces of the former couch fly after him. In the clearing smoke of the explosion, we see…)

Shadow: [buried under a pile of couch fluff, wood, and cloth] Tails?!

Tails: [extremely pissed; fur is on end, eyes are red, growling] That's fucking right.

Shadow: [kinda dazed] What are you doing here?

Tails: Ask that motherfucker! [points at Sonic, who looks away and whistles casually]

Shadow: Sonic, what did you do?

Sonic: Nothing, really. But I'm SO glad Tails is back! I missed you SO much!

Tails: [jumps on Sonic and starts beating the living daylights out of him; is talking angrily between punches] Nothing-my-ass-fucking-asshole-

Shadow: [gets out of rubble] Now now Tails, violence is not the answer!

Sonic: OH DEAR GOD, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!

(Shadow goes over and wrenches Tails off Sonic, then puts him on the recliner. Tails is panting heavily, still mad as hell. Sonic has a bloody nose, missing teeth, and a black eye.)

Sonic: [dazed; having a hard time talking through three missing teeth] Could I have some aspirin, nurse? My Cadillac is parked outside.

Shadow: Tails, please tell me why you did that.

Tails: [glaring angrily at Sonic] Okay, I'll tell you. It's not a pretty story.

Shadow: I understand.

Sonic: [still dazed] Great Scott, my easy chair! It's invisible!

Tails: Ok…

ENTERING FLASHBACK MODE! This is like, a month beforehand, at Sonic's apartment…

(Tails and Sonic are sitting in the living room, watching Mystic River.)

Sonic: Tim Robbins OBVIOUSLY killed the girl, how stupid does Hollywood think I am?

Tim Robbins (onscreen): Behold, for I DID NOT kill Katie, and here's undeniable proof! [dies]

Sonic: …Damn.

Tails: Sonic, do you ever get these murder mystey movies right?

Sonic: Well…no.

Tails: Then why'd you rent this? You never understand these kinds of movies, AND you always cry at the end.

Sonic: …I thought it was Bring It On when I rented it.

Tails: Jesus.

(Later…)

Sonic: [crying] WHY DID THE MUTE BOY HAVE TO BE THE MURDERER? WHY?!

Tails: Sonic, he wasn't really a mute. He was just a slimy kid pretending to be a mute.

Sonic: [sniffles] Still…I cried…

Tails: Remind me to never watch any movies with you again, ever.

Sonic: [happy all of the sudden] Sure!

Tails: …

Sonic: Oh hey Tails, I've been meaning to ask you. I dropped my wallet under the couch a week ago, and I can't fit my hand under there. Could you get it?

Tails: All right, but you have to lift the couch so I can get under there.

Sonic: Will do!

(Sonic goes to the side of the couch and lifts it up. Tails gets down on his knees and looks under the couch.)

Tails: I don't see anything, Sonic…

Sonic: I know it's there! Look deeper.

(Tails crawls under the couch. All of the sudden he screams, at first loud but then it gets softer, finally it stops.)

Sonic: Oh yeah Tails, I forgot to tell you, there's a bottomless pit under my couch. I have no idea how it got there, but I lost my car keys in there yesterday and I thought…Tails? Tails, buddy? Where are you?

(He looks under the couch. There's nothing there except for a comic book, a piece of beef jerky, and a bottomless pit.)

Sonic: …Well that sucks. Er, I think I'll just go to bed…now…[puts couch down; runs off to bedroom]

ENDING FLASHBACK! This is like, Sonic's apartment, but in the present.

Tails: …And that's what happened.

(Sonic has an icepack on his head, Shadow is listening to Tails' story and shaking his head in disgust. Tails has settled down a little.)

Tails: I spent a month in that pit, flying back up, resting, then flying back up again. I haven't eaten in a month. My tails are DEAD. And worse of all, I missed the premiere of The Bourne Supremacy. Sonic, I have no reason to let you live. BUT, since you are my best friend and have always been there for me, I'm going to let you go today without any broken bones.

Sonic: Sweet.

Shadow: [shaking head] Sonic, you really are a piece of work.

Sonic: I know I'm awesome.

Tails: Sonic, PLEASE shut up. You're my friend, but I wouldn't mind kicking your ass again.

Sonic: …Being quiet now.

Tails: Good boy.

Shadow: Ok, now that we know Sonic's apartment houses a bottomless pit, I say we get out of here. How does Taco Bell sound?

Everyone: YEAH TACO BELL! WOO!

Shadow: Okay then, let's go.

(Later, at the local Taco Bell…)

Tails: I wonder why people always give us funny looks out on the street.

Shadow: Well, a two-tailed flying fox and two running hedgehogs aren't exactly normal.

Tails: Yeah, but they should know us by now.

Sonic: Are you kidding? We haven't been in a game since SA2.

Tails: What about Sonic Heroes?

Shadow: Oh JESUS.

Sonic: [covers mouth; looks for a toilet]

Tails: What's the big deal? It's just Sonic Heroes.

(Sonic runs off to the bathroom, and various retching noises are heard. Shadow looks pale.)

Shadow: Tails, PLEASE. Don't say that again. That monstrosity was not a game. It was a steaming pile of dog shit.

Tails: I didn't think it was THAT bad.

(Sonic comes back from the bathroom, wiping his mouth off.)

Sonic: I'm really hungry now.

Shadow: Sonic, explain to Tails why Sonic Heroes was not a game.

Sonic: Oh sure.

It was dog shit.

It had a playable Big, Amy, and Cream in it.

You went into a coma within two minutes of playing it.

It was on Xbox.

It was dog shit.

Shadow: Thank you.

Tails: I still don't think it was that bad.

Shadow: Tails, PLEASE. Vespio the pink chameleon? Charmy the bee? Weird alligator guy? Bullshit Shadow plot twists? I mean really, what the fuck?

Sonic: Face it, it sucked wang.

Tails: Whatever you say. Can we order now?

Shadow: Surely.

(They go up to the counter and who else do they see but…)

Knuckles: [wearing Taco Bell uniform and hat] Welcome to Taco Bell may I take your-[sees who he's talking to] HOLY SHIT!

Sonic: Sorry, I'm fresh out of holy shit, but I think the local pastor might have some.

Tails: Burn! [high-fives Sonic]

Knuckles: What the hell are you guys doing here?!

Shadow: What are YOU doing here? I thought you were…you know…protecting that one emerald…thing.

Knuckles: Well, you know, I was, but then I thought "Why the hell am I protecting this? No one wants it anyways." And I came to work here. It's good money.

Sonic: May I ask where you're keeping the Master Emerald now?

Knuckles: Oh yeah, it's in the kitchen. I keep it under the oven. No one ever knows it's there.

Shadow: Aren't you worried about…radiation?

Knuckles: Not really. I don't think it gives off radiation. I mean, if it did wouldn't all the tacos be like glowing green and stuff?

Kid in the Background: Mommy, why is my taco glowing green?

Mother: [reading a magazine] Shut up and eat your food, Timmy.

Kid: What the fuck, mommy? My taco has arms!

Mother: That's nice.

Kid: [getting strangled] Urk…taco…choking…me…mommy…

Mother: Listen kid, I didn't give birth to you so you could whine about your food. Now eat the taco.

Kid: [can't talk because the arms are choking him]

Mother: Good boy.

Sonic, Shadow, Knuckles, and Tails: …

Knuckles: Riiiiight. I think I'm quitting now.

Someone In The Kitchen: WHO PAINTED A HUGE COCK ON MY UNIFORM?!

Knuckles: [quickly] Yeah, I'm definitely quitting now.

(He throws his uniform on the counter and quickly runs outside along with the other furries.)

Knuckles: That place was a crapfest anyways. Their hard-shell tacos suck.

Shadow: Damn straight. Say Knuckles, have you seen anymore of "the gang" lately? We're really bored.

Knuckles: I saw Eggman on the news last night. Something about feeding a tube of toothpaste to a puppy.

Sonic: Told you.

Shadow: How about Rouge?

(Knuckles lets out a frightened whimper.)

Knuckles: [looks scared] I don't know any Rouge.

Sonic: Oh come on, you know. Rouge the Bat. Government agent. YOUR RIVAL.

Knuckles: [whimper]

Tails: …She stole your kidney, didn't she?

Knuckles: [squeaks; clutches abdomen]

Sonic: What a world we live in today.

Shadow: Knuckles, do you happen to know where Rouge might be right now?

Knuckles: [wide-eyed; looks crazy] Probably in the back of a bar, waiting to lure another hapless male into her sinister kidney-stealing plot of evil.

Tails: [points] Say look, it's Rouge at the park!

Knuckles: …Or the park, you know, I was just being hypothetical.

(Rouge is about 40 yards away, at the park, leaning over an old lady sleeping on a bench. Her hand is digging through the lady's pockets. She sees the guys and looks at them with an "oh shit" expression on her face.)

Rouge: Dammit.

Sonic: Come on, let's go say hi to Rouge!

Shadow: Sonic, I don't think that's such a good idea-

Sonic: [already running over there, like a fucking goof] Hi Rouge! Hi Rouge! HIIIIIII ROOOOOUGE!

Tails: [shaking his head] Here it comes…

Shadow: [looking at watch] Five…four…three…two…

Rouge: BLACK WAVE!

(Sonic, hit by Rouge's attack, shoots backwards, past Tails and Shadow and into a brick wall.)

Sonic: [almost unconscious] That girl's got a body on her, don't she? [gets hit by another attack] Pocky… [head slumps down]

Shadow, Knuckles, and Tails: Err… [smile widely and falsely]

Rouge: [sigh] Ok, I'm sorry about that, but he was being a dumbass. We're in public. I have a reputation.

Shadow: [walks up to her, along with the rest of the guys] Understandable. What brings you to the park on this fine day?

Knuckles: Yeah, steal any kidneys lately?

Rouge: …I'm only here because I have to do…er…community service.

Knuckles: BWA HA HA! COMMUNITY SERVICE! LAUGHABLE! MY ANCESTORS SPIT ON YOU!

Tails: [whispers to Rouge] You'll have to excuse him, he lost a kidney recently and isn't taking it very well.

Rouge: [slightly pissed] Obviously.

Shadow: Well, what do you say to coming with us guys to hang out for a while? Grab a cup of coffee? Catch up on things? Steal Knuckles' reamaining kidney?

Knuckles: [gulps and starts sweating]

Rouge: [shrugs] Might as well. I don't have much else better to do.

Knuckles: Besides stealing someone's INTERNAL ORGANS.

Rouge: [indifferent] That's right.

Tails: [looking at Sonic's crumpled form] Um, what are we going to do about Sonic?

Shadow: [strokes chin] Well, we could just-

Sonic: [is suddenly right behind Shadow] HI SHADOW!

Shadow: JESUS! [jumps away; somehow lands in a garbage can]

Tails: Woah, weren't you just KOed?

Sonic: Huh? Oh, no. That was my back-up dummy.

Rouge: Back-up…dummy?

Sonic: Yeah, back-up dummy.

(He walks over to "Sonic," who is lying in the remains of the brick wall with a weird expression on its face, and picks it up.)

Sonic: Yeah, this thing sure does comes in handy. I made it out of-

Shadow: [has gotten out of the garbage can; is ticked] Shut the fuck up. No one cares. We're getting out of here, now.

Sonic: Ok, but I really think-

Shadow: NO.

(There is a ten second space of awkward pause. A tumbleweed blows by.)

Tails: …Well! Who's up for finding Eggman and Amy?

Sonic: AMY? We have to find HER?

Tails: Given the choice between your sworn enemy and Amy, you choose to speak out against Amy? What's wrong with you?

Sonic: Tails. Please. It's Amy. Amy, the pink hedgehog clone of me. Amy, the one who breaks several of my ribs every time she comes within a 50-yard radius. Amy, the one who stalks me day and night.

Tails: Yeah, but isn't Eggman worse? I mean, he's tried to kill you like, a million times.

Sonic: Amy tries to kill me every day.

Tails: Well…still. It's wrong.

Knuckles: Alright guys, let's get going. The night is young.

Shadow: [looks at watch] Um, Knuckles, it's one o'clock in the afternoon.

Knuckles: [looking at his own watch] Well, shit, I guess I need to get a new watch then! Damn Rolexes.

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Commercial

(Sonic and Shadow, wearing police uniforms, are riding down a Los Angeles street in a cop car. They have surly, "hard cop" expressions on their faces and clearly have no damn clue what they're doing.)

Sonic: [talking into a radio all serious] Breaker breaker, this is BlueBalls 92, we have a 10-4 on East Henderson Street, the perp looks a little 1-9ish, better call in the some HW.

Person On The Other End Of The Radio: What the fuck are you doing? You aren't even cops, you stole that car, and those uniforms! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE-[cuts off]

Sonic: Roger, good buddy. We're on our way. [hangs up radio] Sure is tough serving and protecting, eh Shadow?

Shadow: Got that right. [sees something on the road; points] RACCOON!

Sonic: OH FUCK! [swerves uncontrollably]

(There's a freeze frame with Sonic and Shadow in the front of the car spazzing out, a logo HOGS comes on screen and the COPS theme starts playing.)

Gravelly Announcer Voice: Ever wonder what it's like being a cop on the job? Want to live the life of high-speed car chases, drug busts, and shootouts? Now you can. The hit new cop show, HOGS, puts you in the front seat of the cop car as our camera crew follows around real cops, in real life situations.

(The screen shows Sonic slamming a six-year-old kid against a brick wall and handcuffing him.)

Kid: OH GOD, ALL I WANTED WAS A PIECE OF GUM!

Sonic: Yeah right, kid. We saw trying to shove that quarter into that gumball machine. We know all your sick ways of money embezzlement. You're going to the slammer, lawbreaker. Take him away, Shadow.

Shadow: [throws kid in the backseat of a cop car] We rule.

Sonic: True dat.

(Screen shows Sonic and Shadow kicking down someone's door.)

Sonic: [yelling really loud and commanding; is holding a pistol] WHOEVER'S IN HERE BETTER GIVE THEIR ASS UP, WE HAVE WEAPONS!

(They SWAT-run up a stairs and into a bedroom. An old man is sitting there watching TV.)

Shadow: FREEZE MOTHERFUCKER! DON'T MOVE A FUCKING MUSCLE YOU GRABASS!

Old Man: Eh? [gets tackled roughly by Sonic and Shadow] AHHH, MY LUMBAGO!

Sonic: [has the old man on his stomach; is handcuffing him] We've been staking out your house for a whole five minutes, Mr. O'Malley. We know all about your sinister little bologna sandwich scheme.

Old Man: All I did was make a sandwich!

Shadow: [writing on a pad of paper] I'll take THAT as a confession.

Old Man: THIS IS INSANE!

Sonic: Not as insane as your going to be after a couple weeks in a federal state "pound-me-in-the-ass" prison. Take him away, Shadow.

Shadow: Aye aye, sir! [tosses him out the window, into the cop car]

Sonic: We totally rule.

Shadow: True dat.

(New screen shows Sonic in one of those generic interrogation rooms with white walls, a flimsy table and chair, and a one-way mirror. Shadow is standing behind the glass looking serious.)

Sonic: [talking calmly to a stuffed animal that's sitting on the chair] Jonesy, we've been through this already. We know that you killed her. All we need is a confession, and you can go home.

(The stuffed animal, an inanimate object, sits there.)

Sonic: Do you have a wife, Jonesy? Perhaps some kids? I bet you would like to see them again, wouldn't you.

"Jonesy": [sits there]

Sonic: [spazzes out; throws a chair] DON'T YOU BACK TALK ME! I AM A POLICE OFFICER! YOU ARE A LOW LIFE CRIMINAL! WE NEED THIS CONFESSION OR THE CAPTAIN WILL CHEW MY ASS OFF! NOW TALK TO ME!

Jonesy: [sits there]

Sonic: ……AHHHHHHHHHHH [continues ranting]

(The scene continues as Sonic brutally interrogates a stuffed animal, and Shadow sits behind the glass looking sickened. The gravelly announcer's voice comes back on.)

Gravelly Announcer Voice: It's a not a fun job. But someone's got to do it.

(The HOGS logo slams onto the screen.)

Gravelly Announcer Voice: HOGS. Premiering next Saturday at 5:00 central. Be there…or a be a cop.

Sonic: [pops up onscreen] HI MOM!

_______________________________________________________________ ______

/ \

12:58 PM

Station Square

"The Hood"

(The Sega guys are walking down a random sidewalk, in a random area of Station Square. No one really knows where they're going.)

Knuckles: [really loud] NO ROUGE, I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU! NOW STOP ASKING ME!

Rouge: [talking through gritted teeth] Knuckles…

Knuckles: WHAT'S THAT ROUGE, YOU LIKE TO GIVE ECHIDNAS BLOWJOBS? THAT'S REALLY WEIRD! I KNOW THIS ONE ECHIDNA WHO WOULD LOVE A BLOWJOB!

Rouge: You are really pushing it, pal-

Knuckles: ROUGE, PLEASE! GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MY PANTS! IT'S NOT EVEN DARK YET!

(Angered by Knuckles', er, jackassery, Rouge swiftly nails him in the stomach with a judo fist. Knuckles can't breathe now.)

Knuckles: …mercy…[wheeze]

Rouge: Serves you right.

Sonic: Hey, does anybody know where we're going?

Shadow: I thought you knew.

Tails: I'll inform both you knuckleheads that we aren't going anywhere.

Sonic: [giggling uncontrollably] …Tails said knucklehead! [breaks into a fit of schoolgirl giggles]

Shadow: Sonic, did anyone ever tell you you're an embarassment to have around?

Sonic: [is now looking like a complete retard with his hand over his mouth, tongue sticking out, trying to keep back the giggles]

Shadow: …Good God, and to think I'm a clone of this dipshit… [walks away, whistling]

(As the furries are aimlessly milling around, a shadowy figure is creeping around on the rooftops above them. It is apparently in full ninja garb, complete with obscuring facemask. Since it's wearing said ninja gear, we can't tell who it is.)

Rouge: [stops suddenly, appears to have sensed something] Everybody freeze.

Knuckles: [appears to have recovered] You don't own me! I can do what I want!

Shadow: Knuckles, hold still and shut the hell up.

Knuckles: [immediately obeys] Done.

Tails: Would someone mind telling me why we're freezing?

Rouge: [talking quietly, out of the side of her mouth] There's someone on the rooftop above us wearing ninja gear. He looks kind of shifty. Chances are he's armed.

Sonic: [dumbass] LIKE OH MY GOD, I LOVE NINJAS!

Tails: [gritted teeth] Sonic…

Sonic: [hangs head] Shutting up.

(The ninja is now creeping down one of those striped awnings you see in street markets. It's right above the Sonic team.

Rouge: Okay guys, here's the plan. When it jumps down, I'll trip it. Sonic, you do a spin dash and knock him off his feet. Shadow, you do one of those Fire Spin rolls into him. Tails, after we're done ass-kicking, you fly up a bit and drop down on him, getting him into a headlock. Knuckles…

(Knuckles is trying to see his forehead.)

Rouge: …You can watch.

Knuckles: Why do I always get the hard jobs?

Shadow: Ready to go!

Tails: [gets into pre-flying stance] Affirmative!

Sonic: [trying to remember plan] I do a spin dash…no wait, I do a FIRE ROLL, then SHADOW does a Spin Dash, and THEN Rouge kicks him? Wait, that's not right…

Rouge: …Maybe including Sonic in the plan wasn't such a good idea…oh crap!

(The ninja has leaped (leapt? Damned if I know) off the awning. With all the agility of a ninja, it absorbs the shock by crouching.)

Rouge: [sweeps her legs, knocking the ninja off his feet] Sonic, Spin Dash!

Sonic: THAT'S what it was! [after a brief second of charging, slams into the assailant with a Spin Dash]

Rouge: Shadow!

Shadow: I'm going… [he does a Fire Roll into airborne ninja, sending him flying up higher than he already was]

Rouge: Go, Tails!

(Tails, already in the air, flys straight into the ninja, wrestling him into a full nelson. He gently floats back down to the ground. The struggling ninja is shouting random obscenities with a Japanese accent.)

Ninja: BASTARDS! CUR! YOU SHALL NEVER DEFEAT ME, WHOEVER I AM!

Sonic: [triumphant] Got him! Good work, Tails!

Shadow: [breathes on fingernails; rubs them on chest] That Fire Roll was especially brilliant, if I don't say so myself.

Rouge: Um, hello? Where are my compliments? I thought up the whole plan. Without me, this never would have happened!

Sonic: [blank stare] …Who are you?

Rouge: …

Knuckles: MAN, did I rule ass! Did you see me when I broke that guy's jaw with a single uppercut? That friggin' RULED!

Rouge: Knuckles, you did jack shit.

Knuckles: I didn't? …Oh wait, I'm thinking of when I was playing Mortal Kombat a couple weeks ago. That still ruled though! I kick ass!

Shadow: Knuckles, do us all a favor and shut up. We need to discover the identity of this ninja.

Sonic: Rouge, do the honors, would you?

Rouge: Gladly!

(She reaches over and pulls the hood off the ninja, revealing none other than…)

Sonic: Mitsurugi, the samurai from Namco's hit fighter game Soul Calibur 2? Inconcievable!

(For you wankers who haven't played Soul Calibur 2, Mitsurugi is a rugged-looking samurai with huge armor plates, a beard, and a ponytail. Cool-lookin guy. He usually wields a katana, but he doesn't have one right now. Explanation pending.)

Mitsurugi: Yes behold, for it is I! Mitsurugi, wielder of the Shishi-Oh, master of the Tenpu-Kosai-Ryu Kai fighting style! I have come to you mortals with a message from-

Shadow: Wait just a minute. You're a master of swordsmanship and martial arts, yet we kicked your ass in under 10 seconds. What gives?

Mitsurugi: Well, I, er…don't have my katana right now. It's in the shop. You see, I-

Sonic: Your katana's in the shop? That's bullshit!

Mitsurugi: [impatient] No, it's not. I chipped it while fighting Nightmare one day. Do you know how annoying it is when your katana chips? How can I Disembowel enemies with a chipped katana? I can't. It is a mantra my old master always bestowed upon me, in my earlier days. "Dammit Heishiro, you can't Disembowel enemies with a chipped katana!" he'd always say. Even to this day, I-

Shadow: Ok, that's enough of that crap. I can stand these guys yapping about random topics all day- [jabs thumb at the "gang", who grin stupidly] -but you're a different story.

Mitsurugi: [annoyed] Right, right. I bring to you a message! A message from the one and only Dr. Ivo Robotnik himself!

Sonic: Well fuck my ass, a message from Eggman! Isn't he in jail?

Mitsurugi: He got out on parole!

Tails: [still holding Mitsurugi in a full nelson] By "parole", I'm sure you mean "brutally murdering several guards and a puppy", right?

Mitsurugi: [disappointed] Yeah…but! [perks up all of the sudden] He has now relocated to a top secret hidden facility where the police will never find him!

Tails: By "a top secret hidden facility where the police will never find him," I'm sure you mean "a very obvious and brightly-lit hideout that's probably right in the middle of a city," right?

Mitsurugi: [triumphant now] No! THIS hideout is buried deep in the bowels of the Sahara desert, underneath the dunes and quicksand, where no living man or hedgehog could ever find it! Bwuha!

Sonic: Hmm, Eggman building a good base. That's almost as preposterous as Britney Spears being a virgin.

Shadow: [noble] You have given us your information, rogue! Now BEGONE! Before I instill the wrath of the flaming ketchup on you!

Mitsurugi: [breaks free of Tails' hold] I shall depart, but before I do let me give you this scroll, for in it lies the rest of Eggman's message!

(He tosses a rolled-up piece of paper on the ground.)

Mitsurugi: Farewell, oddly-colored rodents! We shall meet again, but next time I shall have my katana, and your fates will be swift! HIYA! [he ninja-leaps back up onto the awning, then leaps again up onto the building] [fading whiny voice] I really want my damn katana…

Tails: [massaging arms; giving samurai full nelsons for ten straight minutes kinda hurts] Why in the hell is that guy working for Eggman?

Sonic: Well, he didn't seem like the sharpest tool in the shed.

Shadow: [cocks eyebrow] Neither are you.

Sonic: Hey Shadow, I'm glue, you're rubber. Whatever I say bounces off me and sticks to-wait, dammit. That's now how it goes. I'M rubber, YOU'RE glue, whatever you say bounces off you and sticks-that's not it either. Motherfuckin' preschooler comebacks, I can never get them right.

Shadow: [rolls eyes] Obviously.

Rouge: [has picked up and unrolled the scroll] Everyone listen, I'm going to read this!

Knuckles: Woo-fucking-hoo Rouge! Hey, do you hear that? It's the sound of NO ONE GIVING A SHIT!

Rouge: [eye twitch] One of these days, Knuckles…

Knuckles: You're going to come out of PMS, yeah I know. You've been saying that for years.

Rouge: [red eyes; sharp teeth] BLACK WA-

Shadow: [steps in front of her; grabs arms] NO, ROUGE! Now is not the time! Later. Right now we have to figure what the hell Eggman is up to.

Rouge: [breathing heavily; giving a death glare to Knuckles] Alright…

Shadow: Goood. Now. [snatches scroll from Rouge's hands] Let's see what old Eggy wants with us this time.

[The letter is typed (badly) in Microsoft Word. Everything is right aligned. There are abnormal spaces between words. SOMEHOW, Eggman managed to print out the annoying-ass Show/Hide symbols. For legal purposes, I will not reproduce these effects here. Use your imagination, lameass.]

"Dear Sonic Team,

Hi there, bitches! Eggman here! How's it going over in the land of hairballs and worm medications? It sucks? Yeah, I know it does! HA HA! Skin rocks!

Anyway, onto business. I just wanted to let you know that in the space of a week, you will pay me 700 million dollars, in cash. No, don't think old Eggman has snapped just yet. I have a perfectly good reason to ask for that amount of money. I have a hostage.

If you ever want to see Kevin Spacey again, you will drop a sack containing 700 million dollars IN CASH in front of the Wendy's in Station Square. If you can't find a sack, use a couple garbage bags or something, I don't really care. Deliver the money by 5:00 P.M. sharp. Any later than that and you can say goodbye to Prot here.

Good luck, assholes!

Love,

Eggman"

(A stunned silence greets the end of the letter. Rouge, Tails, Sonic, and Shadow looked shocked. Knuckles is picking his nose.)

Knuckles: [muttering] Damn over-sized fists can't penetrate under-sized nostrils I HATE MY LIFE! [accidentally pokes face with a knuckle spike] SHIT, MY FACE! OW!

Rouge: [ignoring Knuckles] You guys, this is awful! Eggman is going kill Kevin Spacey!

Sonic: Who's Keven Spacey again?

Tails: Come on Sonic, where have you been the last 7-10 years?

Sonic: [cocky sounding] Saving mankind's collective ass, of course!

Tails: [sigh] That's almost semi-true, unfortunately.

Shadow: Sonic, Kevin Spacey is an actor that was in many a good movie.

Sonic: [skeptical] Name some.

Shadow: [ticking them off on his fingers] K-PAX! American Beauty! Pay It Forward! Goldmember, kind of! The Usual Suspects! The Life Of David Gayle! Seven! Ok, Seven sucked, but still! Many good ones!

Sonic: [examining fingernails] Why can't we save someone like Rachel Leigh Cook or Famke Janssen? Why Kevin Spacey?

Tails: Cause Eggman has him hostage, duh.

Sonic: If we aren't going to rescue some hot chicks, I'm not coming.

Rouge: Then you can babysit Knuckles.

(They all look at Knuckles, who is once again trying to see his forehead.)

Sonic: [quickly] Never mind, I'll do it.

Rouge: Thought so.

Shadow: [reading over the letter] Uh, guys…are you sure this isn't a typo? It says here that Eggman wants 700 million dollars. Is that even possible?

Sonic: Course it is! Bill Gates has a billion dollars!

Tails: Yes, but that's mostly in virtual stocks and bonds, not cash.

Sonic: [kinda disappointed] Oh…

Rouge: Well…knowing Eggman, it might as well be a typo. But I doubt it. Eggman's always been careful when it comes to money.

Shadow: You're right…well, this isn't looking good. Our goal seems almost impossible to achieve.

Tails: [all noble; fist over chest] But we MUST save Kevin Spacey! In the name of justice!

Knuckles: [giddy] Ooo, all this heroic shit gives me the shivers!

Shadow: [gives Knuckles a weird look] Um, guys, we need to think up a way to get 700 million dollars within the next week. I'm open to suggestions.

Sonic: [hand flies up] BAKE SALE!

Tails: I could sell some of my kickass robots and back-up Tornado!

Rouge: I could sell my expensive jewels and jewelry!

Knuckles: Why doesn't Rouge just sleep around for a week? That's bound to raise at LEAST 700 million dollars. [gets backhanded by Rouge] Agh, my face…

Shadow: [completely ignoring all these great ideas] I GOT it! We could build a machine that makes zucchini legal currency!

Tails: …Shadow, that idea fuckin' sucks.

Shadow: Meh. …Oh, another one! ME AND SONIC ROB THE BANK AND INVEST THE MONEY INTO A SAVING ACCOUT UNTIL INTEREST ACCUMULATES FUNDS UPWARD OF 700 MILLION DOLLARS! [pause] No, that one sucks too.

Sonic: Aren't you some kind of ULTIMATE LIFEFORM or something? You should be able to think up an ingenious and foolproof plan within seconds!

Shadow: Hey Sonic, you know that hole in your face, the one you put pie in?

Sonic: My piehole?

Shadow: Yeah, that one. SHUT IT.

Rouge: [indifferent] Who thinks we should go get some coffee?

Everyone: Me!

Rouge: I thought so. Let's go.

(A couple minutes later, at the local Starbucks…)

Sonic: [in a rage; is yelling at the cashier at the counter] EIGHT BUCKS FOR A PLAIN BLACK FRENCH ROAST?! This isn't coffee, it's RAPE!

Cashier: [pimple-faced teenager; pubescent voice] I don't price them sir, I just sell them.

Sonic: I'll price YOU up your ass!

Cashier: That doesn't even make sense, sir.

Sonic: [sigh; quiet defeated voice] I'll have one black French Roast, please.

Cashier: Coming right up, sir!

Sonic: [heavy sigh]

(Sonic gets his coffee and sits down at one of the tables with the rest of the guys. He sits between Shadow and Rouge. Shadow is next to Tails, and Tails is next to Knuckles. Knuckles is somehow next to Rouge. )

Sonic: [stirring his coffee, which is weird because he got it black] Can you believe this, guys? Eight bucks for coffee! We're better off making our own coffee, from MUD.

Knuckles: [dumping packets of sugar into his already-sweet caramel cappuccino] I did that once!

Tails: [happily sipping his latté; now has a mustache of froth] I love coffee!

Shadow: Tails, you're twelve.

Tails: Aren't I fourteen?

Shadow: Whatever.

Rouge: [stirring cream into her coffee] Shouldn't we be discussing a plan on how to get 700 million dollars in seven days?

Sonic: [checking out the hot chicks that walk into the shop] Prooobably…

Shadow: [also scoping out the girls] Can't this wait until later?

Rouge: …You guys, we only have seven days! This can't wait!

Tails: [ditto] I think it…can… [head tilts]

Rouge: …Damn men. If they aren't eating someone else's food they're gaping at women. WHY am I here?

Knuckles: Cause your natural maternal instincts won't let you leave us alone?

Rouge: Shut the hell up, Knuckles.

Knuckles: Hiss! Are you sure you're a bat, Rouge? Cause you sound awfully catty to me.

(Rouge is about to reply scathingly when a punk-rocker-looking guy comes over with a stack of posters. The guy has spiked up green/blue hair, various body piercings, all black/shredded garb, and a large flaming snake tattoo on his arm. He looks pretty much like anyone you'd see at a Good Charlotte concert. Man I hate Good Charlotte.)

Punk Rocker: [dumps some posters on the table] `Sup in the hizzy, bitches? My name's Jim. I'm from the Station Square Department of Recreation, and I just wanted to inform y'all of a competition we got goin'. It's like, where all these local bands battle for money. It's called, get this shit: Battle of the Bands.

(Sonic, Tails, and Shadow are still gaping at the girls. Drool is coming out of their mouths. Knuckles and Rouge aren't really listening, but the second Rouge hears the word "money" she perks up.)

Rouge: May I ask what the prize money is?

Punk Rocker: `Course you can, sweet cheeks! The prize money is 700 million dollars. Some billionaire business tycoon donated it. He loves rock music.

Knuckles: 700 million dollars? Wow, that's convienient!

Punk Rocker: I know! Anyways, the competition's in six days. Sign-up ends tomorrow at noon. If you have a band already, just get your best shit together and be ready to perform! Competition starts Friday night at 6:00, at the Station Square Ampitheater! Be there, bitches!

(He leaves, and saunters over to the hot chicks' table. He starts to perform a "How YOU doin'?" pick-up line, but before he can finish the girls throw steaming hot coffee in his face. He runs out of the Starbucks screaming like a girl.)

Sonic: Dammit, that guy messed up my view of that girl's ass! She moved now!

Shadow: Same here!

Tails: What was that guy doing here, anyways? Rouge?

(Rouge is staring at the three guys with murder in her eyes. Clutched in her hand is the poster.)

Rouge: I don't know if I should tell you. See, while you dumbasses were busy gawking at women, I was busy solving our fucking problem.

Sonic: Alright, Rouge got a plan! GO ROUGE!

Knuckles: Didn't I help?

Rouge: No, you sat there.

Knuckles: …Isn't that what I said?

Rouge: [slaps forehead]

Shadow: So, what is this whole master plan of yours, Rouge? Does it involve maiming?

Rouge: [puzzled] No-

Shadow: [interrupting] It sucks.

Tails: [genuinely interested] What's the plan, Rouge?

Rouge: The plan…is this.

(She dramatically tosses the poster onto the table, where it slowly floats down until it lands, face-up. No one speaks for a couple moments, then…)

Sonic: [loud and obnoxious] Damn, my ass itches.

Shadow: [ignoring Sonic] "Battle…of the Bands"? [happy] So there IS maiming!

Tails: [holding the poster, looking over it calmly] No, Shadow, they use the word "battle" as a metaphor to describe the ferocity and intensity of the competition. There is no violence involved.

Shadow: [sad] Oh…

Sonic: Intriguing idea, Rouge. However, you forgot one thing: NONE OF US KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT MUSIC.

Rouge: Not a problem. We have five whole days until the competition. Plenty of time to turn ourselves into professional rock musicians.

Tails: [scratches head while looking at the poster] I dunno, Rouge. Music's not exactly the easiest thing to learn. Besides, all the other competitors will have been playing for years. How could we possibly get better than them in five days?

Rouge: Oh, come on you guys! Don't you have any faith? You've only saved the world like, twenty times! Haven't you ever taken any risks?

Knuckles: Well, I can remember this one time, this guy asked if me I would try the Master Emerald for a bag of peanuts, and I said yes. That's a risk, isn't it?

Shadow: [sigh] No, Knuckles, that's just fucking stupid.

Knuckles: Oh.

Tails: Ok, since we can't come to terms on this, let's just take a good old majority vote. Whoever wants to go with this idea, raise their hand.

(Tails and Rouge raise their hands.)

Tails: Whoever wants to scrap this idea, raise their hand.

(Sonic and Shadow raise their hands. Knuckles sits there.)

Tails: Uh…Knuckles? You kinda have to vote to make this work.

Knuckles: Hah, nice try, pal! You're not turning ME into no Nazi! Take your ironfisted dictatorship somewhere else! That brainwashing shit may have worked on your other lackeys, but I'll be damned if it works on Knuckles The Echidna!

Tails: …What the fuck?

Sonic: Wait a minute, why are we voting? I'm the leader of this here posse [pounds fist on the table emphatically], and I say we do this idea! Everyone, meet at my apartment tomorrow at 9:00 sharp! No egg-shaped madman is going to kill any overpaid actors on my watch!

Knuckles: Ooooo, shivers again!

Shadow: [indifferent] Can we leave now?

Tails: [getting up] I'll see you all at the apartment tomorrow. I'm glad we're doing this.

Rouge: [also getting up] Don't forget who found this idea.

Sonic: Remember people, nine o' clock. Don't be late!

(Everyone is leaving. No one hears him.)

Sonic: [now alone at the table] Man, that sure did rule! I totally took charge! It's no wonder I'm the leader of this shindig!

(A couple seconds of silence, then…)

Sonic: Oh, shit, what the fuck am I going to do?!

(He slams his head down on the table. The screen fades to black, then the manly narrator's voice comes on.)

Narrator: What the fuck is Sonic going to do? Will the team be able to train themselves into rock musicians by the night of the competition? Will they save Kevin Spacey? Where the hell is Amy? Most of the questions will be answered in the next chapter of…The Epic Legend of Sonic's Rock Band. Read on for a message from our sponsors.

\______________________________________________________________ _______/

Commercial

(The screen shows Sonic, Shadow, Tails, and Knuckles playing Super Smash Bros. Melee at Sonic's apartment. Sonic has just won, and is a being a real jackass about it.)

Sonic: [throws up the two-fingered "devil horns" hand gesture] WOO! Marth just SCHOOLED yo asses! I hope y'all got life insurance, cuz I just KILLED YA! I wish yo mammas were this easy in the sack last night! Fuck yeah!

(Everyone's really annoyed at Sonic's being a cock. There is a freeze frame of everyone giving a pissed look at Sonic, as he is still looking like a retard with the hand gestures and never-shutting-the-fuck-up face. Suddenly, a commercial announcer's voice comes on.)

Announcer: Don't you hate it when someone keeps winning at a game, and decides to be a real dick about it? Do the moronic insults and incessant bragging get on your nerves? Of course they do. No one likes playing with a shithead. To remedy this situation, DualTails Inc. has invented…THE FUCKHEAD ELIMINATOR 3000! Using patented "gratuitous violence" technology, the Fuckhead Elimininator 3000 not only stops the moron's neverending ramblings, but also prevents from playing video games for a very long time! Observe.

(The scene with Sonic and etc. playing SSBM restarts. This time, Tails is holding a remote control looking object. Sonic starts his routine again.)

Sonic: WOO YEAH! I RU-

(Tails presses a button on the remote. Out of the end of it unfolds a very large, very spiked, metal fist. It coils back, then smacks Sonic so hard he shoots through the opposite wall, leaving a Sonic-shaped hole.)

Shadow: Wow! Thanks Tails! Your Fuckhead Eliminator 3000 works like a charm!

Knuckles: I'll say! If Sonic said "hell yeah" one more time I was going shove a tire iron through his forehead!

Tails: Thanks guys! I couldn't have done it without my Fuckhead Eliminator 3000! [winks at the camera obviously]

Announcer: The Fuckhead Eliminator 3000 is availible at most department stores for $45.99! Produced and Manufactured by DualTails Inc, all rights reserved.

_______________________________________________________________ _____

/ \

Aaaand that's a rap folks! For the first chapter anyways. Stay tuned!

[End initiation sequence.]