Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Epic ❯ The Final Fantasy Tactics Advance Saga ( Chapter 6 )

THE EPIC

HAMMER AND SICKLE STUDIOS PRESENTS AN EPIC EDITED BY VOLKOV "INTERACTIVE STORY!!!" STARRING A TON OF RANDOM PEOPLE WRITTEN BY LORD FEAR HAKU SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG GRAND MASTER SHOMA SONICMON THE VIEW2FUL AND VOLKOV WRITTEN ON THE TRIPLE PEEPS FORUM IMAGINED BY LORD FEAR AND EDITED BY GREG "VOLKOV" PARAUBEK

You've been invited to read the sixth saga…so…umm, read? Hopefully things will be less insane in this Saga, but I wouldn't bet on it. Heck, I'd bet against it. In fact I may force you to read this and have your brain pop from all the random insanity. So, hold on to your headgear and begin reading! Read damn you!

Disclaimer: Any characters not owned by, but not limited to, Sega, Square Enix, Nintendo, Namco, Capcom, Westwood, or any other company were created by us (the forum users) and cannot be used without our express permission. This story is joint property of all the people who wrote anything in it, and the Triple Peeps, who own the forum where this was placed. You steal, you suffer the consequences. You've been warned. Now read and enjoy!

INTERACTIVE STORY!!!

The Final Fantasy Tactics Advance Saga

Eggman: Back to the movie!

Metal Shadow's head: (malfunctioning) I'm not dead!

Xianghua: (impales Metal Shadow's head) Ask and ye shall receive.

Giga Bowser: (eating a bagel) Muffiny...

Farah: I'm here to kill you Eggman!

Ried: Don't ask me why.

Sephiroth: Nobody kills Eggman on my watch!

Farah: Just bring it.

Aeris: (giddy) This is going to be good!

Lord Fear: Meta Fighters ready, RoBattle!

Eggman: SCREW IT! I'm making an action flick!!!

Everyone: YAY!!!

Eggman: I'm directing.

Lord Fear: I'll be the co-director.

Il Palazzo: I'll be the producer.

Bowser: I'll be the writer.

Sturm: I'll be the editor.

Sephiroth: I'm the main actor.

Aeris: I'm the main actress.

Eggman: Anyone else? (pause) But now...what about the plot?

Nightmare: How about where I obtain the Soul Calibur, giving me enough strength to free myself from the Soul Edge? (slaps himself) What's wrong with me!? (demonic sounds; collapses)

Eggman: ...Poor guy...Next!

Il Palazzo: I will conquer the city of F!

Eggman: Next!

Sturm: Let's pull a--

Eggman: Next!!!

Bowser: Let's make it like Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, where we're warped into the world of Final Fantasy. And the only way out, is to kick some evil ass!

Sephiroth: I wouldn't mind. As long as it's not the Final Fantasy movie world.

Aeris: Neither would I!

Eggman: Hmm...I'd have to think about that one. So far, it has the best chance. Next!

Megatron: Um, can this movie be a Jackass-style movie of sorts?

Eggman: ...No! Next!

[After hearing everyone's plot ideas…]

Eggman: I guess we'll go with the FFTA one!

Lord Fear: Let's do a big movie with lots of crossovers!

Eggman: Well mix that with FFTA!

Lord Fear: That's cool.

Eggman: Um, I better lie down for a bit...when I get back, I want the first scene already done! Got that?

Bowser: Got it! Now, how are we going to get there?

Il Palazzo: Like a film-on-location type?

Everyone: YES!

Il Palazzo: OK!

[Now everyone heads off to the town of St. Ivalice.]

Nightmare: Now how do we get to this "Final Fantasy" world?

Bowser: Why don't you ask those kids?

[The said kids happen to be the protagonists in FFTA, Marche, Mewt, and Ritz.]

Nightmare: Excuse me!

Il Palazzo: We need some help locating the whereabouts of the magical book that will take us to Ivalice!

Sephiroth: Wasn't that the name of that chapel in the original Final Fantasy Tactics?

Marche: I-in the store, there.

Mewt: It should have it!

Everyone: Awesome!!

[Everyone tries to cram inside the store.]

Sturm: MY EYES!! Someone's stepping on my eyes!

Sonic: Help me!!

Big: Who's the director here?

Bridget: Well, Eggman put me in charge temporarily...

Il Palazzo: Goodie...

[Megatron tries to shove his way in.]

Everyone else: OOOOOWWWWW!!!

[Because of that, the world now feels a warp.]

Bowser: (as they get warped into the next space-time continuum) Is this part of the movie!?

Bridget: DEPENDS! Is the camera on?

Bob: AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!

Il Palazzo: Guess that's a yes!!

Everyone: AAAAAHHHHH!!!

Marche: Not again...

[After 35 hours of hefty, flashy, and seizure inducing special effects and a few games of Parcheesi, everyone wakes up to…]

Shadow: GASP!!! IT CAN'T BE!!!

Eggman: Yet it is! GASP!!!

[They've been warped to the middle of the ocean of the Final Fantasy world, currently floating above the water.]

Bowser: Wait, if we're above water, then how are-

[SPLASH!!!]

Shadow: FUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu- (sinks into the ocean)

Eggman: (floating) Thankfully, my body fat keeps me afloat! Wait, that didn't sound like I wanted it to be...

[They all wash up on a beach.]

Bridget: Whoa...I'm getting dizzy...

Dr. Wily: She's not with us though!

Bowser: BahHAHA! Stupid pun!

Sephiroth: Don't worry! I can speak Final Fantasy! I'll be right back! (walks off)

Bob: Ach! This is the start of a good movie!

Bridget: Keep it rolling!

Eggman: Maybe I shouldn't have temporarily put him in directing charge...

[Lord Fear starts hitting Bridget with a mallet {The "Bang" represents each bash.)]

Lord Fear: I'm (Bang!) the (Bang!) co-director (Bang!) not (Bang!) you! (Bang!)

[Lord Fear whacks Bridget with a home run bat, sending him flying over the horizon.]

Eggman: He's directing while I'm napping!

Lord Fear: And action!

Sephiroth: Okay! I got some moogles to help us out! They said the nearest town is about 2 km from where we are!

[Bridget crashes into the ground.]

Sephiroth: What's wrong with you?

Eggman: Sent flying! Though I specifically said that HE was directing while I was napping, not (bitch slaps Lord Fear) Lord Fear!

Knuckles: Right...I forgot one thing... (points to Bridget) TIME TO DIE FOR MAKING THINK YOU WERE A GIRL!!!

[Knuckles sees a title: Mission Objective: Kill the enemy!]

Sonic: WHAT!?

Tails: THAT'S IDIOTIC!!

Bridget: WHAT!?!

Eggman: Ooh! A battle! Start filming Bob!

Bob: Aye sir!

[Now it plays out like a FFTA battle; Knuckles goes first, he chooses to move right to Bridget's side; next, he uses "Attack".]

Knuckles: Eat this! (punches him in the side; critical hit; he takes 104 damage that pushes him a space away from jackass echidna) Oh yeah! I rock!

[Bridget automatically counter-attacks with a long-range Yo-yo; Knuckles suffers 65 damage; Knuckles ends his turn looking at the beach.]

Knuckles: Ow! My chin!

Eggman: Keep it rolling! KEEP IT ROLLING!!!

[Bridget's turn now; he activates Yo-yo Guard, where his weapon spins around him increasing his defense; he ends his turn looking at Shadow.]

Shadow: GAH! Don't look at me!

Bridget: The hell are you talking about!?

Knuckles: My turn! [Knuckles starts charging a spell; he casts Thunder Arrow on gender-confused bounty hunter... for 72 damage]

Bridget: OW! God dammit!!

Sonic: Hmm...If the human body is 70% water, wouldn't he, let's see, die?

Tails: Think so!

Dr. Wily: Indubitably!

Siegfried: (he's no longer Nightmare) The body is made of 70% water!?

[Suddenly, a knight riding a chocobo goes up to Knuckles, gives him a red card, and cuffs him.]

Knuckles: What the!?

Judge: You broke a law in this battle! You cannot cast magic! You're under arrest!

Knuckles: (as he gets hauled off) NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Sephiroth: Ahem! The Moogles here are going to help us out!!

Moogle 1: Indeed, KUPO!

Moogle 2: We shall help you for whatever reasons, KUPO!

Eggman: And cut!

Bob: Ach! That was great!

Rouge: The best part of that scene was when Knuckles got his ass hauled off to jail!

Moogle 1: But he did break a law, KUPO!

Everyone: (silent)

Siegfried: Is sneezing against this law?

Lord Fear: Bowser! Start breathing fire. We need some fire.

[Bowser breathes fire everywhere and burns Eggman's cloths off.]

Il Palazzo: You said you were wearing underwear!

Eggman: I lied. Now for some of my famous backflips!

Shadow: (shoots Eggman with taser, which charges through Eggman's fat) That's enough from you. NOW, LET'S SPLIT UP, GANG!!!

Metal Shadow: (pokes a moogle) Oro...

Eggman: If we're gonna split up, then we can't split up Bob! Unless he has another camera...

[Bob pulls out another camera; several hours later…]

Bridget: What are we doing again?

Sonic: We're going to bail Knuckles out of jail!

Megatron: Though I wonder if I should exist right now...me being a giant Decepticon should be transcending history even as we're speaking...

Tails: This isn't "Yu-Gi-Oh!"! Shut up!

Rouge: I love a man who disses the leader of the threatening Decepticons...

Tails: Sweet...

Sephiroth: Oh! A town! With a pub! And with a pub, I can get me a drink!

Aeris: Yay!

Moogle 2: (called Piero from now on) Kupo! It's illegal to drink on an even-number day!

Sephiroth: Bullshit!

Dr. Wily: It must be true! Look at Big!

[Big has some hooch in his hands; he gets executed by a Knight.]

All of them: ...Harsh.

Sonic: Excuse us, chivalrous sir! Would thoust mind to show us where you keep your vile brigands?

Bridget: My country may have had old-time English, but I still don't know what the fuck he's saying.

Siegfried: Same.

Knight: Oh, you mean the whorehouse? It's over there. (points to a large manor; sees a winged girl bolt out of the place, and run off into the distance)

Bridget: Dizzy? DIZZY, WAIT! WHAT'S WRONG? (leaves them in the dust)

Megatron: Trying to save his friend?

Sonic: Yep. (to the knight) I meant the jail!

Knight: Oh! Actually, it's in the next town over, right where that winged girl went off too.

[They all sigh.]

Shadow: Then ONWARD TO POSSIBLE BUT NOT LIKELY VICTORY!!!

[They go to the jail, where they see several people locked up in...jail cells...]

Sephiroth: Ah, I remember this place...

Eggman: Wait, you were a prisoner once?

Sephiroth: No, one of the guards flipped me off and I destroyed this place for no reason! WAIT!!! THERE HE IS!!! (points at guard)

Guard: (just happens to be the knight playable character in FF9{Steiner}) Eep...

[As Sephiroth chases down (currently known as) Dead-man-walkin', Eggman leads the group through the jail cells, searching for one stupid echidna. 8 hours later...]

Lord Fear: We're Lost! No Oh!!!

Eggman: Now, now, no need to panic friends!

[All the prisoners suddenly break out, while the others are still wondering what's going on.]

Metal Shadow: Shiiiiii-t-t-t...

Knuckles' voice: Guys?

Sonic: Knuckles! You ass! WHERE ARE YOU!!??

Knuckles' voice: Somewhere in the back...

[2 hours later.]

Everyone: SONOFABITCH!!!

Piero the Moogle: Kupo... me thinks we're lost, KUPO!

[Knuckles walks up to them.]

Knuckles: Never mind. I'm out.

Voice: AUGH!!!

Megatron: Who said that!?

[FFTA battle theme plays.]

Monster: (random chocobo zombie thingy) Blarg!

Judge: You may only use staves!

Sonic: Alright. Everybody what's a stave? Anyways, look for them in your item pack.

Knuckles: I found one!

Sonic: Dude that's a staff.

Knuckles: What about this? (flips staff over)

Sonic: Oh yeah, that is totally a stave.

Shadow: I am finished with playing games in these battles! I shall now unleash my ultimate technique!!! Zeeky Toss!!

[Shadow lobs a bomb with eyes going in two different directions and a badly drawn mouth at the monster. The contact itself caused 1 damage.]

Zeeky H. Bomb: (mouth doesn't move much, but he does) Zeeky Boogy Doog!

[Zeeky H. Bomb produces a gigantic nuclear explosion wiping out the monster and everyone on the field!]

Text: Monster defeated by Shadow! All team members are K.O.ed! Everyone gains 300,000 snp (shiznit points)!

Shadow: (feeling much pain) Well that didn't go well...

Lord Fear: What just happened?

Eggman: Where the hell were you?

Lord Fear: Killing the Bigs.

Il Palazzo: Shadow won a battle.

Lord Fear: Good for him.

Excel: I am here to serve Lord Il Palazzo and Lord Fear.

Il Palazzo: Good for you.

Pedro: No one cares for Pedro…

Hyatt: I must serve...(falls over and starts dieing)

Bowser: Stop dieing asshole!

[While they rest in town, Eggman, Bowser, Il Palazzo, Xianghua, Sephiroth, Siegfried, and the other moogle (whose name is John) decided to do some secret monster poaching.]

Eggman: What a clan we are!

Bowser: Tell me about it.

Il Palazzo: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Xianghua: Wait...if we're in this strange world, what jobs are we?

Siegfried: Indeed. What are we?

Sephiroth: ...

[Eggman is a Sniper, a class only obtainable by the Viera, a race of female-only rabbit chicks; (Eggman: Sweet) Bowser is a Dragon. (Bowser: Makes sense) Il Palazzo is an... let's see... Oracle. Xianghua is a Knight. Siegfried is a Knight. John the Moogle is a Mog Knight. Sephiroth is...Sephiroth. Battle!! 3 Behemoths and 3 Tonberries have this poor Chocobo surrounded.]

Eggman: Who wants to see the Chocobo get mauled?

[Everyone stares at Eggman.]

Eggman: FINE! But if we save it, I get to transform it into a robot!

[The battle begins (Save the Chocobo!); Eggman starts; He uses his handgun to shoot a Behemoth; 145 damage. Bowser is next; he trudges slowly, and physically slashes a Tonberry in the back; 249 for a critical. The attacked Tonberry goes next; uses Chef's Knife technique to put Bowser to 1 HP.]

Bowser: Fuck...I forgot about that...

[Another uses Step Mine on Il Palazzo; he counters in time with Excel Shield (uses Excel as a shield to take the brunt of the hit).]

Il Palazzo: So that's what she's useful for!

[Siegfried goes next; He walks up to the same Tonberry that Bowser attacked; uses Soul Calibur technique (takes the Soul Calibur from Xianghua); kills this Tonberry and halves the other monsters' HP.]

Xianghua: A wise-guy, huh!?

[Xianghua goes; uses Soul Calibur technique (takes it back from Siegfried); halves the monsters' HP again!]

Il Palazzo: I hate being an oracle...

[Sephiroth goes next; he's charging a spell.]

Sephiroth: Ultima.

John the Moogle: I can combo that, KUPO! ULTIMA CHARGE! KUPO!!

[Two Ultimas decimate the area.]

Eggman: RUN!!!

Bowser: His attacks can hit us too!!!

[One minute later; the field is now...dead...everything was killed...including the Chocobo]

Eggman: Whoa...

Sephiroth: Let's never combo two Ultimas again...

John: Agreed!

Bob: Ach! That went super well!

Eggman: You were filming?

Bob: Of course!

Il Palazzo: Methinks Excel's dead. Oh, and we failed the mission...

[Meanwhile…]

Sonic: ...I don't think they're coming back...

Megatron: That's it! THAT'S IT!! I'm LOOKING AT HIS CARDS! (sees Eggman's cards) Ah crap, I fold.

[Meanwhile, atop one of the many buildings of the generic area...]

Shadow: (standing oh-so-boldly) I am the ultimate life form! FEAR ME, YOU BLIGHTS OF INSIGNIFICANT RPG CREATION!!! (gets hit by a rock) OW!!!

[Right…]

END OF THE FINAL FANTASY TACTICS ADVANCE SAGA!

{Ed. Note: Another saga down. See it wasn't all that bad, was it? You've been released…you can go now. Leave! }

Coming Soon: Stuff