Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Making Of Sonic The Hedgehog: The Motion Picture ❯ Chapter 1

THE MAKING OF SONIC THE HEDGEHOG: THE MOTION PICTURE

By Zack Clopton (Psycho_Z)

~: I do not own any of the real people, even the fictional ones, which appear in this work. I am getting nothing out of this other then a few cheap laughs. So no matter how hard Anthony Doublin wants to sue me after this, he can't. Besides, it's not like he's got a lawyer or anything.

This work contains many of my loud-mouthed opinions. But, by God, this is America! I have the right to make fun of as many celebrities as I want! And if that bothers you, well, you have the right to complain.

By the way this is written in documentary style so any thing written with these: [] is what's appearing on the screen. Just thought I'd warn you. :~

[A picture of the American packaging for the first "Sonic the Hedgehog" game appears]

NARRATOR:

Sonic the hedgehog is considered one of America's great video games. The simple story of a blue hedgehog that runs really fast and jumps on robots was something everyone could relate too.

[Footage of Yuji Naka pitching the idea to SEGA is shown.

YUJI NAKA:

The story of a blue hedgehog that runs fast and kills robots.

PRESIDENT OF SEGA:

That's a stupid idea. ]

NARRATOR:

It was the early nineties and Mario was big. Huge, you may say. He was very popular in ever sense. This made his creator very rich.

[Footage of Motomaya sitting onto of a pile of money holding two beautiful women appears on screen]

NARRATOR:

So the little-known video game company, SEGA Of Japan, where eager to be very rich as well. So they sent out a call for all the crackpot video game people out there to pitch an idea for a hero. A hero that could kick Mario's big fat Italian ass. Both figuratively and literally.

[More Yuji Naka/SEGA footage.

YUJI NAKA:

Oh, like my idea is any better then an Italian plumber who saves mushrooms from turtles.

PRESIDENT OF SEGA:

Good point. Alright, I'll sign you, but if this fails, I'm gonna' have to kill you.]

NARRATOR:

That hero came in the form of a blue hedgehog. After Yuji Naka's idea for Sonic was accepted….

[Footage of Yuji Naka knocking on a door with a sign that reads "SEGA Of Japan" to the left of it.

VOICE FROM BEHIND DOOR:

Who are you?

YUJI NAKA:
I'm Yuji Naka; I pitched my video game idea to you.

VOICE FROM BEHIND DOOR:

I didn't order any pizza. Get outta' here, kid.

YUJI NAKA:
But you just talked to me yesterday.

VOICE FROM BEHIND DOOR:
If I give you some money will you leave?]

NARRATOR:

….a brilliant team of computer geeks and hobos got to work on the project. Even though the end result would be a masterpiece, the beginning process was very difficult.

[Footage of Mr. Naka being interviewed is shown.

INTERVIEWER:

What about the early days?

YUJI NAKA:
Oh, yes, the early days where very difficult. Lots of drinking.]

NARRATOR:

But after months of hard work…

[Footage of an interview of the President of Sega.

PRESIDENT OF SEGA:

Work? (Laughs) It was a party everyday. I mean Yuji is a party animal. We only spent the last two weeks of our time working on the game.]

NARRATOR:

….an final project was produce. Relished in 1991, "Sonic the Hedgehog" was a hit. Soon every little boy and girl with a Sega Genesis wanted to play as Sonic and destroy the evil obese monster, Dr. Eggman.

[Footage of an interview with Mr. Naka.

INTERVIEWER:
Why is Eggman so evil?

YUJI NAKA:

He eats children. Everyone knows that a chemical in children leads to evilness. That's why we don't eat them. (He smiles)]

NARRATOR:

The game was such a hit in Japan that it was soon brought to the states. Where it also became a hit. And so started what would become know as the mascot wars.

[Footage of two young kids.

KID 1:

Mario is cool.

KID 2:

Sonic's better.

KID 1:

Is not.

KID 2:

Is too.

KID 1:

Is not.

KID 2:

Is too.]

NARRATOR:

A year later a sequel was created. Simply entitled "Sonic The Hedgehog 2." This time the game was much longer, and Sonic was joined in his quest to destroy the evil child eater, Dr. Eggman (Renamed Dr. Robotnik in the America version) by a mutant fox named Miles "Tails" Prowler.

[More Yuji Naka Interview footage.

INTERVIEWER:

How did you come up with the idea of Tails?

YUJI NAKA:
I just wondered one night, "What would happen if Stevie Nicks and the guy from The Who had a son?" Tails was the result.]

NARRATOR:

Many sequels and spin-offs followed. With fun characters like Knuckles the What-cha-ma-call-it….

[More Yuji Naka Interview footage.

YUJI NAKA:

(Yelling) He's an echidna! Look it up!]

NARRATOR:

….Mecha Sonic, Amy Rose,

[More Naka.

INTERVIEWER:

Where did Amy Rose come from?

YUJI NAKA:

She was actually based off of my stalker, at the time.]

NARRATOR:

….Chaos, Big the Cat, Bean the Duck, Bark the Bear, E-102 Gamma, Shadow, and Rouge the Bat being added to the cast.

[More Naka.

INTERVIEWER:
What about Rouge?

YUJI NAKA:
It's only a hobby, I swear. Please move on.]

NARRATOR:

By the year 2003, Sonic had a huge fan following. The blue little hedgehog seemed unstoppable. Even though there had been four animated TV shows, and a long running comic book, fans wanted more. The demand for a live action Sonic movie was huge. Then in summer of 2004, 20th Century Fox purchase the copyrights to Sonic. The call went out for a script. Many fan fiction authors submitted scripts, with the most early considered script coming from well-known fan fiction author Sean Cattlet.

[Footage of Fox Executive reading Catlett's script with Catlett sitting near by.

FOX EXECUTIVE:

(Stops reading) Sonic does what?]

NARRATOR:

But the right script did come along. Written by Carlos Breakham, the writer of such films as "The Super Ninja Vs. The Kung-Fu Vampire Lesbians From Mars" and "Evil Bus 4: Bus Of Nightmares," Breakham's script had just the right mix of action, humor, and suspense.

[Interviewer with Carlos Breakham.

CARLOS BREAKHAM:
I never heard of this Sonic Hedgehog, I was just very short on cash so I typed up something about Hedgehogs and robots. I think the end result was pleasing.]

NARRATOR:

Then the call went out for directors. Such favorites as Jerry Bruckhaimer, Joel Shoemocker, and Quiten Terrontitio were considered but all of them where either busy or declined. The right director was found thou, in the form of Anthony Doublin. The director of the Action/Sci-Fi film, "Future Wars," (which was his only film at the time) was pleased being pick with the project.

[Interview with Doublin

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

I was very please to be pick for the project. It was about time I was chosen by a major studio, so my massive talent could be fully received.

INTERVIEWER:

Didn't your first film, "Future Wars", appear on "Mystery Science Theater 3000"?

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

Yes, and I kill them all.

INTERVIEWER:

No, you didn't….

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:
Quiet, fool! Do not talk back to the great Anthony Doublin!]

NARRATOR:

Then the casting came. Well-known actors where pick for the roles. Brad Pitt was casted as Sonic, Ben Afflack was casted as Tails, Chris Tucker was casted as Knuckles, and Don De Luise as Robotnik.

[Interview with Brad Pitt.

BRAD PITT:
I thought I could relate to Sonic. I mean, who doesn't know the feeling of having all your friends taken away and seeing them turned into robots. It will be a hit because everyone knows the feeling.

Interview with Ben Afflack.

INTERVIEWER:
So, what camera tricks did they use to make you look shorter for the roll of Tails?

BEN AFFLACK:

Camera tricks?

Interview with Chris Tucker.

CHRIS TUCKER:

I loved playing Knuckles. I just love playing a smart aleck back talking side character. Plus it was a blast because I've never done like that before.

Interview with Don De Luise

DON DE LUISE:

Robotnik was such a challenge, because I'm always casted as a fat nice guy, and it was interesting to play the fat mean guy for once. I mean, I really got in character; it's just some much fun being an asshole! (Harshly) You stupid bitch! (Normal) Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean that!]

NARRATOR:

The cast was rounded out with Hale Berry as Amy Rose, Keanu Reeves as Shadow, Jennifer Lopez as Rough the Bat, and Howard Stern as the voice of Mecha Sonic.

[Interview with Hale Berry

HALE BERRY:

I think playing a pink hedgehog was just another victory for all my black sisters out there. (Picks up near-by Oscar, as camera flashes go off around. Tears start to form in her eyes) I would like to thank my white mother, and my white brother, and my white sister, and my kinda' black father.

Interview with Keanu Reeves

KEANU REEVES:
Playing Shadow was cool, dude. I really enjoyed it, dude.

Interview with Jennifer Lopez

JENNIFER LOPEZ:

It was great fun. I just wish my value as an actress and a singer was as big as my ass. (Smiles)

Interview with Howard Stern

HOWARD STERN:
I'll pay you a hundred dollars to take your shirt off.

INTERVIEWER:

W-W-What? What in God's name is wrong with you?

HOWARD STERN:
Oh, I'm so sexual immature because I was raised in a broken household. (Starts to cry.)

INTERVIEWER:
Uh…. Okay.

HOWARD STERN:

(Bawling) Daddy wasn't there!]

NARRATOR:

With all the things in order and a budget of 40 million dollars, filming on "Sonic The Hedgehog" started on July 15, 2003. But things went far from smoothly. Power struggles, on-set rivalries, looming production schedule, and more when "Back Story" returns. (You hear foot steps walk away and hear a bottle cap popping.) Oh, wait, no commercials! (Goes running back to the microphone) There was trouble from the very start. The Film's star, Brad Pitt and director Anthony Doublin, seem to "rub each other the wrong way."

[Interview with Brad Pitt

BRAD PITT:
Anthony seems to be so full of himself. He wouldn't even take my consideration. He acted like he had control over the direction of the film or something.

Interview with Anthony Doublin.

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:
Mr. Pitt is very full of himself. He doesn't understand that I am a great talent! He acted like he was the one doing the action of the character on screen. He was very rude. I did not like him.

Behind The Scenes Shot: Director Meets Star

BRAD PITT:

I don't think it's a good idea to have my face covered.

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

What do you mean?

BRAD PITT:

Well, I mean, if you have a face like this, would you cover it with some silly mask?

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:
If I had a face like yours I would run around wearing a burlap sack, maybe it would help me hide from the crowds of angry villagers. Wear the make-up! Next!]

NARRATOR:

The director also had troubles with co-star, Ben Afflack.

[Behind The Scenes Shot: Director Meets Co-Star

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

So! You are this Matt Damon I've been hearing so much about.

BEN AFFLACK:

No, I'm Ben Afflack. Matt's a friend of mine.

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

No, no, no! I know my stars, and you are Matt Damon!

BEN AFFLACK:
NO! I'm Ben Afflack! I'm Daredevil!

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

You are Colin Ferial?

BEN AFFLACK:

(Screaming) NO! I'M BEN AFFLACK!

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

It doesn't matter; you stars are all the same. Nice to meet you, glad you're here, wear the make-up! Next!

BEN AFFLACK:
You're a freaking madman!]

NARRATOR:

For a fact, no one seemed to like Anthony Doublin very much.

[Behind The Scenes Shot: Making of The "Shadow Beats The Crap Out Of Everyone" Scene.

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

(Sitting in his director's chair, which is more like a throne) In this scene, Shadows breaks into the hotel Amy and Sonic are staying in. He punches out Amy. Then Knuckles, Tails, and Rouge walk in. They are also punched out. And all of this leads up to the big wire-fu fight in-between Sonic and Shadow! This scene should be easy, unless Brad "I'm Better Then Everyone Else" Pitt and Matt Damon want to give me trouble.

BEN AFFLACK:

I'm Ben Afflack!

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

Quit! Anthony Doublin speaks! (KEANU REEVES raises his hand) Yes, Neo. What do you have to say?

KEANU REEVES:

Okay, dude. One, my name is Keanu and two, it said somewhere in the script that Knuckles takes a punch better then Sonic, so how come I punch Knuckles out with one punch but Sonic gives me a fight? Would you explain that, dude?

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

(Thinks really hard) Well, that's easy to explain… Ummm… I'll say why on the DVD, now, no more stupid question from you, Ted! Anymore question? (HALE BERRY raises her hand) Yes Miss "Monster's Ball?"

HALE BERRY:

As soon as Shadow appears, Amy runs to the corner of the motel and cowards before getting punched out with one punch! I don't think that's a positive reflection of this film's heroine.

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

Excuses me, which one of us has the Oscar? (Points to himself as HALE looks very confused) That's what I thought! No more questions from Hale "I Took My Shirt Off In `Swordfish'" Berry. Next question!

JENNIFER LOPEZ:

I thought I was the heroine?

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

Shut up, J. Lo!

BEN AFFLACK:

Hey! Don't talk to my girlfriend that way!

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

Shut up, Marky Mark! No more questions from you people! You do not know what your doing! After all, I am the great Anthony Doublin! And you people are not! Shoot the scene!

(The cameras start shooting as everyone but BRAD and HALE quickly leave the set)

BRAD/SONIC:
(Lying in bed, looks at HALE/AMY) You're great.

HALE/AMY:
(Lying on the floor) You're greater.

BRAD/SONIC:
Yeah, I know.

HALE/AMY:
Should we make love again?

BRAD/SONIC:
(Looks seriously puzzled for a few minutes) Uh, yeah, sure. I mean, there's still an hour `till "Jeopardy."

HALE/AMY:

(Suddenly become super perky) YEAAAA!!! Sonic you're the greatest!

KEANU/SHADOW:
(Bust threw the window) I am here, dude!

HALE/AMY:

(High pitched scream) AHHH!!! (Crawls into the corner and rolls up into the fetal positions.)

(Then CHRIS/KNUCKLES, J.LO/ROGUE, and BEN/TAILS come through the door)

J.LO/ROUGE:

Oh, my god! (Snaps her fingers) Amy!

BEN/TAILS:

(Looks at KEANU/SHADOW) Who is… That?

KEANU/SHADOW:
(Still in the window) I am Shadow, dude!

BEN/TAILS:

Oh, no! It's Shadow Dude!

CHRIS/KNUCKLES:
Why don't…

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:
(Cutting off CHRIS TUCKER) Cut! Perfect! Print it!

BEN AFFLACK:

Why did I pause in the middle of my sentence?

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

It adds dramatic affect! Besides, didn't I say no more question from you, Mister "I'm So Good Because I Wrote `Good Will Hunting'?"

BEN AFFLACK:
What?

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

(Yells up into the rafters) Lower the harnesses!

(Wires with harnesses on the end of them are lowered from the ceiling and stagehands attach them to CHRIS TUCKER, JENNIFER LOPEZ, and BEN AFFLACK)

JENNIFER LOPEZ:

What is this all about?

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:
Well, wire-fu is such a cool thing, and nobodies using it, so I decided to add more wire-fu scenes to this movie, so when Shadow punches you guys, you'll go flying around. Isn't that a cool idea?

BEN AFFLACK:

You're an idiot. (The stagehands finish attaching the harnesses)

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

Action!

KEANU/SHADOW:

Dude, you guys, are like so totally dead! (Trys to pushes himself out of the window, but just ends up landing on his face. He quickly stands back up with his Shadow make-up screwed up. Points to BEN/TAILS) You're dead!

(KEANU/SHADOW walks over to BEN/TAILS, who just stands there looking shocked. KEANU/SHADOW then punches BEN/TAILS. The wires move and BEN/TAILS goes flying sideways into the wall hard. He is left buried up to his waist in the wall.)

KEANU/SHADOWS:
(Points to J.LO/ROUGE) You're dead! (Punches her in the face and she goes wire-flying backwards into the wall)

J.LO/ROUGE:

(Weakly) Bronx! (Goes limp)

KEANU/SHADOW:
(Points to CHRIS/KNUCKLES) Dead! (Punches him)

CHRIS/KNUCKLES:

(Has a shocked look on his face) You did not just punch me in the face?

KEANU/SHADOWS:

Did too, dude!

CHRIS/KNUCKLES:

Oh, hell, no! (Goes wire-bouncing, like flubber, down the hallway)

KEANU/SHADOWS:

(Points to BRAD/SONIC) Dead!

BRAD/SONIC:

(Overly dramatic) My God! You monster!

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

Cut! Perfect, print-it! Wonderful!]

NARRATOR:

The film goes down in film history for having the must scenes involving wire-fu.

[Interview with FOX EXECUTIVE:

FOX EXECUTIVE:

Yeah, Anthony went a little crazy with the wire fighting, I think.]

NARRATOR:

The shoot was filled with turmoil. The actors tried to drop out severely times.

[Meeting in-between The Director, BEN AFFLACK, and BEN'S AGENT:

BEN'S AGENT:

My client is very disappointed by the way he has been treated during this shoot.

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

What do you mean? I have only treated Mister Damon with the utmost respect.

BEN AFFLACK:

He's doing it again.

BEN'S AGENT:

Excuse me?

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

We are talking about him, right? (Points to BEN) You are his agent, correct?

BEN'S AGENT:

(Slightly confused) Yes….

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

You are here to discuses his contract with Twentieth Century Fox and me because he wants out of it, even though he has signed a three-film deal.

BEN'S AGENT:

Yes.

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

(Turns to BEN) So, what appears to be the problem, Mister Afflack?

BEN AFFLACK:

(Outraged) What!

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

Is there something wrong, Ben?

BEN AFFLACK:

(His current state is best describe as "Freaking Out") But, that's not right! You don't know my name! This is wrong!

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:
(To BEN'S AGENT) I think it's clear that Mister Afflack is under a lot of stress at the moment. I suggest that he takes a week off and comes back to filming later. You agree?

BEN'S AGENT:

You're a good man, Mister Doublin. (Pats BEN on the shoulder and tries to take the shaking mess out of the room)]

NARRATOR:

While Ben was away from the set, The Director focused mostly on the action scenes.

[Making of the "Super-Impressive Sonic Vs. Shadow Wire-Fu Fight SceneTM":

(KEANU REEVES and BRAD PITT, both in full make-up, are hanging in wire harnesses, infront of a green screen, encircled by cameras)

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

Okay, today we will be making the Super-Impressive Sonic Vs. Shadow Wire-Fu Fight SceneTM. I got a copyright on that, so every time somebody says it, I get a nickel. So I encourage you to say it as much as possible.

KEANU REEVES:

Fight scene, huh? Does that mean we'll have to, like, bring in a choreographer dude to, like, tell us what to do and crap. And then, like, totally beat the snot outta' each other?

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

(Has a hearty laugh) Oh, stupid, stupid, Keanu. You couldn't work your way out of a room with two walls even if there where signs pointing the way. No, we will be using computers and bullet-time to create the scene. So that means you two will have to stay still for fifteen minutes why the cameras and computers capture your image.

BRAD PITT:
Fifteen minutes? Don't you think that's a little incisive?

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:
You think everything's incisive, don't you Mister Brad "Oh, I Wish I Had A Oscar" Pitt?

BRAD PITT:

(Clearly angry) Shoot the scene.

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:
That's right. Action!

(So, KEANU and BRAD just hang still for fifteen minutes why the cameras roll and ANTHONY stands there smiling. About 10 minutes later, ANTHONY'S smile disappears, and he gets very angry)

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:
(Shouting) No! You fools! This is a fight scene! You have to be angry! You have to look at each other and act like the person you see infront of you is your most hated enemy!

BRAD PITT:
(Stares at ANTHONY) I think I understand you for once.

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

Good! Now, don't screw up again! Action!]

NARRATOR:
Not only did the action scenes have problems, so did the actors.

[Scene Number 45 from "Sonic The Hedgehog"

(CHRIS/KNUCKLES is standing in a room across from KEANU/SHADOW.)

CHRIS/KNUCKLES:

(Puts up his fist) I'm gonna' git you, sucka'!

KEANU/SHADOW:

(Stammers) Eh, I am offended by that unnecessary racial stereotype! Dude! Don't go there, dude!

CHRIS/KNUCKLES:

(Stammers as well) Oh, so it's wrong for me to prolong African-American stereotypes, but okay for you to prolong a far-out-of-date Californian stereotype?

KEANU/SHADOW:

(Stammers again) You, shut up! Dude! It's okay for white guys to be insulted! Double standards are cool in America!

CHRIS/KNUCKLES:

(Stammers, and loses his "urban" accent) No! That's wrong! (He rushes over and kicks KEANU/SHADOW in the crotch)

(Offset, ANTHONY DOUBLIN sits in his chair why a CAMERA MAN nudges him)

CAMERA MAN:

Is this in the script?

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

No! But keep the camera rolling. This is juicy shit!]

NARRATOR:

Keanu and Chris solved their problems off set.

[Interview with Chris Tucker

INTERVIEWER:

Rumor has it that you and Keanu Reeves had a confrontation on set.

CHRIS TUCKER:

Well, let's just say I dealt with it.

INTERVIEWER:

What do you mean?

CHRIS TUCKER:

Well, let's just say the issue is settled.

INTERVIEWER:
Do you mind expanding on that?

CHRIS TUCKER:

Okay, let's just say me and a few of my ghetto pals made him our bitch.

INTERVIEWER:

Um, okay.]

NARRATOR:

But after two and a half weeks of hard work, and five weeks and four days worth of hatred and frustration, a final product was produced.

[The Fox Presidents and several other producers are sitting in a theater watching the film. They all have a look of dumbfound-ment on their faces.

PRODUCER 1:

Who gave this psycho a camera?

FOX PRESIDENT:

Oh, no. Looks like where gonna' have to do the same thing we did with "xXx."

PRODUCER 2:

Hype it like hell and act like the audience should know whom the lead actor is.

FOX PRESIDENT:

Exactly.]

NARRATOR:

So now, since the writer is running out of ideas, here is the ending to this epic film.

["THE END" Scene:

(SONIC/BRAD, TAILS/BEN, KNUCKLES/CHRIS, and ROUGE/J.LO are all gathered on top of a large pagoda. At the opposite of the pagoda is SHADOW/KEANU, wearing a commando get-it, holding a gun to AMY/HALE's head. She is whimpering in typical fashion.)

SONIC/BRAD:

(Over-Acting, putting emphasis on the wrong words) You PUT her DOWN now!

SHADOW/KEANU:

No way, dude! I'm, like, totally killing her!

AMY/HALE:

(Screams and cries a lot, also over-acting) Oh, don't let him kill me! (Takes out a fan and starts fanning herself) I don't think I can take this pressure!

ROUGE/J.LO:

No way are you killing my sista', yo! (Shakes her booty some before flicking SHADOW/KEANU off)

SHADOW/KEANU:

Okay, you are, like, totally pissing me off!

(SHADOW/KEANU proceeds to shoot ROUGE/J.LO in head. A rather elaborate blood bath follows, raining down all sorts of nasty things on the rest of the crew. She then falls down to ground where she flops around like a fish.)

KNUCKLES/CHRIS:

Oh, hell, no! You did not just kill my ho!

SHADOW/KEANU:

Sure did, dude.

KNUCKLES/CHRIS:

(More over-acting) Don't go Rouge. (Tears form in his eyes) Any last words, baby?

ROUGE/J.LO:

Bronx! (Does some wild hand gestures, before dieing)

KNUCKLES/CHRIS:

(Holding ROUGE/J.LO in his arms, standing in the middle of a dark stage with a spot-light shining down on him) NOOOOOOOOOO! (Falls to his knees and starts to cry) I've never loved a body, I mean, anybody like you before. (Collapses in a crying fit, with his head conveniently collapsing in her breast)

SHADOW/KEANU:

Oh, shut up! (Shots KNUCKLES/CHRIS in the head, sending more nasty blood effects on the rest of the cast)

AMY/HALE:

Hello? I haven't had a line in a half a page!

SHADOW/KEANU:

Don't worry, dude! I'm gonna' kill you too!

AMY/HALE:

I'm not a dude!

SONIC/BRAD:

Hey, Shadow, it's Maria! (Points to nothing behind SHADOW/KEANU)

SHADOW/KEANU:

Maria? (Turns around) Are you playing hide and sneak again Maria? (Pulls a banana out of his pocket) Where's the banana Maria? Where's the banana!

(SONIC/BRAD shoots him in the back of the head causing another nasty gore effect, sending more gray matter on to the cast. The whole "being shoot" thing causes SHADOW/KEANU to fall of the top of the building. He goes through a long fall sequence. Which ends in an obvious dummy crashing into a dumpster. This causes a BUM on the other side of the dumpster to stand and eye the area, in a paranoid fashion.)

AMY/HALE:

(Rushes over to SONIC/BRAD's side) Oh, Sonic! You're my hero! (Start to get all loving type)

SONIC/BRAD:

(Goes into "Superman" pose) Just part of being a hero! (Small trumpet fanfare)

(A small grenade with the words "Plot Device" written on it comes towards the group. Everything suddenly goes into slow motion.)

SONIC/BRAD:

NoOoOoOoOoOo!!!! (Pushes AMY/HALE out of the way, which sends her falling off of the building of course. The grenade lands on top of him and he explodes in a stock-footage clip of the atom bomb test. After the explosion, all that's left of him is a small piece of blue fabric.)

TAILS/BEN:

Sonic? (Runs over to the piece of fabric, and clinches it in his fist, tears forming his eyes)

I will revenge you! (Lightning flashes in the background as it starts to rain. TAILS/BEN flies off the building around the city.)

(In a near-by skyscraper, ROBOTNIK/DON stands near a window holding a cane and generally looking evil. Then TAILS/BEN crashes through a near-by window)

TAILS/BEN:

It's over, Kingpin!

ROBOTNIK/DON:

(Confused) What?

TAILS/BEN:

I mean, it's over, Robotnik!

ROBOTNIK/DON:

(Starts acting like your typical Don DeLuise character) Oh, golly gee, good buddy! Can't we all just get along?

TAILS/BEN:

No! You killed everyone I ever loved!

ROBOTNIK/DON:

(Back into character) No, Shadow killed everyone you loved. I simply ordered him to do so.

TAILS/BEN:

Oh, I guess your right. Well, I need to take my rage out on somebody and you're the closet one here so (Overacting) it's time to DIE!!!

ROBOTNIK/DON:

Not if my army of robots have anything to do with it! (Does a typical Don DeLuise laugh) Get em' boys!

(ROBOTNIK/DON claps his hands and MECHA SONIC/HOWARD, the T-800 from "The Terminator," ROBOT from "Lost In Space," and a SENTINEL from "The Matrix" comes crashing out of the broom-closet)

MECHA SONIC/HOWARD:

If I don't kill you, I pee in a cup and throw it on a bunch of nuns!

T-800:

Must destroy John Connors.

SENTINEL:

(Series of elaborate clicking noises)

ROBOT:
Danger, danger! Robot does not belong in this story. Robot is not evil. Why does Robot talk in third-person? Robot does not know the answer to this question.

TAILS/BEN:

They are no match for my karate power skills!

MECHA SONIC/HOWARD:

What are you, a china man? (Does a stupid Howard Stern laugh) Racial slurs are funny! (Continues to laugh stupidly)

TAILS/BEN:

(Overacting) I must STOP you, NOW! (Stock footage of Bruce Lee doing some karate moves is shown with TAIL/BEN's head digitally edited over Bruce's)

ROBOT:

Robot cannot withstand his amazing chi powers. "Dragon Ball Z" logic is causing Robot's circuits to malfunction. Robot will now promptly explode. (Footage of a ROBOT shaped birthday cake is shown exploding)

TAILS/BEN:

You're next! (Points to the general direction of the robots) Hai-yah! (In a rather wimpy looking fashion, he kicks the T-800. It then flies backwards, and gets implied on the SENTINEL's tentacles. The impact of the kick sends the T-800's gun flying into the SENTINEL's head, and thus, it is shot in the face. Both machines fall to the floor)

T-800:

I'll be back! (With it's last ounce of strength, the SENTINEL crushes the T-800's head, therefore preventing "Terminator 4" from happing. Both machine then die.)

MECHA SONIC/HOWARD

(Grabs his head) I can't think of anything offensive to say!

TAILS/BEN:

(Paying no attention to what MECHA SONIC/HOWARD just said) Your evil ends here! (Walks over to MECHA/HOWARD and rips a human heart out of his chest)

MECHA SONIC/HOWARD:

Oh… Ouch… (Dies)

TAILS/BEN:

(Turns to ROBOTNIK/DON) Now, it's your turn!

ROBOTNIK/DON:

Uh… Wait! I'll be right back! (Runs over to a door, opens it, and takes out a large looking gun. He then points the gun at TAILS/BEN) No! Now, it's your turn!

TAILS/BEN:

No, it's your turn!

ROBOTNIK/DON:

No, it's yours!

TAILS/BEN:

Yours!

ROBOTNIK/DON:

Yours!

TAILS/BEN:

Yours!

ROBOTNIK/DON:

YOURS!

TAILS/BEN:

NO, YOURS!

ROBOTNIK/DON:

YOURS!

TAILS/BEN:

I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S YOURS!

ROBOTNIK/DON:

No, it's YOURS!!!

TAILS/BEN:

Don't sass me boy! The turn is YOURS!!!!

ROBOTNIK/DON:

I don't have to listen to nothing, or nobody! The turn is YOURS!!!

TAILS/BEN:

Whose turn is it?

ROBOTNIK/DON:

Well, it ain't mine!

TAILS/BEN:

It's not mine!

BOTH:

So it must be yours!

ROBOTNIK/DON:

Yours, yours, yours, yours, yours, yours, yours, yours, YOURS!

TAILS/BEN:

Shut up!

ROBOTNIK/DON:

(Momentarily flabbergasted) You shut up!

TAILS/BEN:

No, you shut up!

ROBOTNIK/DON:

You!

TAILS/BEN:

You!

ROBOTNIK/DON:

You!

TAILS/BEN:

Now, don't go starting that again!

(TAILS/BEN flies up to the top of the room and does a really impressive {i.e. stupid looking} flying kick that sends ROBOTNIK/DON falling backwards out the window. He falls for a really long time. He then lands on the ground completely unharmed. After just a few moments of lying there ROBOTNIK/DON'S body transforms into a dummy and explodes for no reason.)

TAILS/BEN:

(Standing at the edge of the building why flames are blown up to him) Have a nice fall, Robotnik.

(A cheesy theme music plays as the words "THE END" appears on screen)]

NARRATOR:
It took a lot of hard work.

[Random shot from set.

BRAD PITT:
You're a moron!

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

Shut up! Brad "Arm" Pitt!

BRAD PITT:

(Screams) You're an ass!]

NARRATOR:

A lot of patience…

[Another random shot.

HALE BERRY:

(In tears) I can't take this kind of pressure!

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

(Screaming at her angrily) You will do, what I want you to do, you sack of shit actress!

HALE BERRY:

You're insane!

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

I'm I? Or are you really the one who's insane?

HALE BERRY:

(Stop crying) No, you're insane. I'm sure of it.

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

(Sighs) Get back to crying. You seem to be good at that. (Leaves)]

NARRATOR:

And a lot of people who didn't like each other working together….

[A random shot from the shoot of BRAD PITT struggling ANTHONY DOUBLIN]

NARRATOR:

But the end result was a success….

[Footage of FOX PRESIDENT holding the film script. Picks up a near-by stamp and stamps a bomb on the script in red ink. He then shakes his head and throws the script into the garbage.]

NARRATOR:

Or at least enough of an success to produce two sequels, 2006's "Sonic The Hedgehog II: Badger Of Blood" and 2008's "Sonic The Hedgehog Part III: Death of a Postman." Both of these stared Dolph Lundgren and both went direct-to-video. Anothy Doublin was the only person from the original to return for the sequels, he directed, produced, and wrote both.

[An interview with Anthony Doublin

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

And in the end I'm glad I just won the Oscar. (Picks up an Oscar that says "Best Director: Steven Spielberg)

INTERVIEWER:
That's not yours.

ANTHONY DOUBLIN:

Quiet, fool! Do not question the great Anthony Doublin! (Whacks the interviewer in the head with the Oscar, knocking her out. He then steals her purse and runs off)]

NARRATOR:

Tune in for the next "Inside The Truth Behind The Mysteries Of Hollywood's Back Stories" for the true story behind "Vin Dinsel Stars In: Fancy Lad."

[END]