Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Return of the King, Baby! ❯ Burning Gas, Flying Echidna ( Chapter 10 )

Chapter Ten: Burning Gas, Flying Echidna

[It's the morning of the next day. Luigi and Knuckles are running through the streets of Minas Tirith.]

Luigi: Knuckles, I-a have a task for-a you to-a do. Only you can-a do it.

Knuckles: Really?

Luigi: Well, no, but I'm-a hoping it-a may kill you.

Knuckles: Oh…

[The camera cuts to the Mystic Ruins. Heavy fog covers the whole city. The camera pans to the river and onto a small Orc boat, where the leader of the Orc army is sitting. His face is hideously disfigured, and just the sound of his voice causes fear in his Orc legions. He is Michael Jackson, known as "Jacko" by his Orc minions.]

Jacko: Quiet, my little ones

[The camera pans along the boat, then stops at two Orcs, sitting near the back of Jacko's boat.]

Orc 1: (whispering) Dude, did he just call us "little ones"?

Orc 2: (whispering) Yeah…and I just want to tell you…if he ever invites you to his battle tent, run like hell.

Orc 1: Wouldn't I get killed for disobeying orders?

Orc 2: Believe me; death is sweet compared to the insides of the (shiver) battle tent…

[The camera cuts back to the city and the Rangers under the command of Wind Waker Link. The rangers are all sitting at a table playing poker. WW Link runs in.]

WW Link: Men! To arms! The Orc hordes are upon us! Head to the river!

Ranger 1: (distracted) Yep…let me finish this hand…

WW Link: (hopping around in rage) The Orcs are coming! They're going to kill us all!

Ranger 2: Oh be quiet, we're finishing a hand!

WW Link: Grrr…I mean, the `Queer Guys' from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" are at the river!

Ranger 1: Well, why didn't you say so?

[The Rangers pour out of the barracks amid cries of "I need a makeover". The camera cuts back to the Orc boat. The camera pans out showing hundreds upon hundreds of Orc boats in the water.]

Jacko: Faster! The first Orc to land on the shore gets a free weekend at Never-Never Land!

[Suddenly, all the boats stop dead in the water.]

Jacko: Is there some kind of problem?

[No one answers.]

Jacko: Come on! A free weekend at Never-Never Land! Who doesn't want to be a child again for a weekend?

[Every Orc in the army raises his hand.]

All: Me!

Jacko: Fine…I guess Never-Never Land is too good for you. Row to the shore!

[As the Orcs start rowing again, the Rangers reach the shore.]

Ranger 3: Hey! I was expecting some Queer Guys!

WW Link: Put a sock in it! We need to defend this city!

Ranger 2: What? 100 of us versus 600,000 of them? Are you mad?

WW Link: Do you know who their leader is?

Ranger 1: Uhh…no…

WW Link: He's Jacko, the Destroyer! You remember the child purges of the year 1245?

Ranger 3: Oh my God…he's here?

WW Link: Yes! To arms!

[The Orc ships hit the shore, and hundreds of Orcs start to pour out of the boats. Several Orcs run by the Rangers, and then they swing into battle. Several Orcs run by and trip over WW Link's small self.]

WW Link: Ow! Stop tripping on me! Let me beat your shins in fair combat!

[The camera cuts back to Minas-Tirith. Knuckles is shown climbing up a really tall spire. At the top of the spire are several Gondor guards and a large pile of wood, with some oil and a lit flame nearby. The guards munch on their sandwiches, while a nearby radio plays.]

Radio: (bored sounding announcer voice) Welcome back to K-Billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies, where the seventies will never die.

Guard: Why are we listening to this?

Other Guard: We, my friend, are making an homage to a one of the director's favorite movies.

Guard: By listening to crappy seventies music?

Other Guard: Yes.

Guard: First off, how do we have a radio in a medieval themed story, and what exactly are we homaging?

Other Guard: Not a word.

Guard: What?

Other Guard: "Homaging" is not a word.

Guard: Well, screw you…

[As the guards continue to argue over the homage to "Reservoir Dogs" (in case you couldn't figure it out), Knuckles reaches the top of the spire. He reaches for the vat of oil.]

Other Guard: (pissed) You know what? Your mom sucks at se-(sees Knuckles) The fuck are you doing?

Knuckles: Errr…

Guard: He's trying to light the beacon!

Other Guard: Stop him!

[The guard grabs a huge can of gasoline and readies himself to throw it.]

Other Guard: What in the name of God are you doing?

Guard: Stopping him!

Knuckles: Eeep! Stop!

[The guard chucks the can of gas straight at Knuckles, who tries to dodge it. The camera cuts to Luigi in the streets of Minas Tirith. He looks up at the spire, just as a huge explosion occurs at the pinnacle. Knuckles goes flying through the air and crashes to the ground in the lowest level of the city. Luigi rushes to a nearby balcony.]

Luigi: Now we-a must see if-a the beacons are-a lit…

[The camera shows a mountain in the distance, a beacon on the mountain is lit.]

Some Random Guard: Dudes! The beacon of Some Place With An Unpronounceable Name is lit!

Luigi: Hope is-a restored…

[The next five (or possibly fifty) minutes are comprised of the camera slowly panning across mountains, as one by one, the beacons are lit. Finally, the camera shows Eggman outside the Beer Hall. He sees the beacon, turns, and falls. He gets up and runs to the Beer Hall, a look of…some kind on his face. Eggman reaches the Hall, and runs in.]

Eggman: (out of breath) I…need…some…lard!

[Several Rohan servants bring out a slab of lard, which Eggman begins to devour. Several minutes pass. Shadow comes running into the Hall.]

Shadow: The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid! Gondor needs my help!

[The camera cuts to Duff Man, then to all the other characters, then back to Duff Man.]

Duff Man: And Rohan shall not answer! Oh yeah!

[Samus stares at him for a minute.]

Duff Man: I mean, Rohan shall answer! Oh yeah!

[Servants start running around. The camera cuts to the exterior of the Hall.]

Megabyte: Riders of Rohan! You must ride out to war!

Riders: (groaning)

Megabyte: Oh suck it up! We need all of you for our amazingly impressive cavalry charge!

[The camera cuts to Eggman, who is tying some bags onto the poor horse that was forced to be his mount. He sees Samus, also tying bags to a horse.]

Eggman: Hey! Sexy! You coming with us?

Samus: Unfortunately…my uncle is dragging me along.

Eggman: Why don't you let me drag you along?

Samus: Do you like your legs?

[Eggman looks at his legs. He seems to think about it for a second.]

Eggman: (hesitant) Yes.

Samus: If you want to keep them, you will shut up now.

[Eggman walks up to Samus' horse, and lifts up one of the bags. Inside is Samus' bra (and for you sick perverts out there, its black and lacy). Eggman reaches for it, intending it to become his "spoil of war", when suddenly, he collapses to the ground.]

Eggman: Nuts…in….dire pain…again

Samus: You even try to take that bra again and you will lose every appendage you have.

Eggman: What if I take your thong?

Samus: What thong?

Eggman: The one I saw you putting on after you stepped out of the shower…

Samus: (barely suppressing her rage) You sick bastard! You watched me take a shower?

Eggman: (giggling) You were naked! I saw your boobies! They were big and--

[Samus lunges at Eggman and begins kicking him, preventing him from getting up. The scene cuts to Duff Man.]

Duff Man: (dramatic voice over) Duff Man could use a beer. Oh yeah!

[The camera cuts again, to Megabyte.]

Megabyte: Riders of Rohan! I would like to give a stirring speech, but due to the fact that this chapter has gone on damn well long enough, we shall ride out…to war!

Riders: Woot!

[The camera cuts again, showing the Riders of Rohan pouring from the city, all the main characters following along. Over head, Rouge flies in formation with the horses below.]