Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Return of the King, Baby! ❯ Dumbharrow ( Chapter 13 )

Chapter Thirteen: Dumbharrow

[Duff Man, Eggman, Shadow, Gordon, Megabyte, Cervantes and the rest are riding by a camp full of Rohan warriors.]

Duff Man: How many from the Eastfold? Oh yeah!

Rohan Guy: 500, my lord.

Duff Man: What of the troops from Snowbourn? Oh…I'm too tired to this…

Rohan Guy #2: None of them have showed up sir, the damn slackers…

[The camera cuts to Duff Man and Eggman standing on a large ledge overlooking the main Rohan army.]

Duff Man: We have 6,000 horsemen, oh yeah!

Eggman: 6,000? That's it?

Duff Man: Yes. Oh yeah!

Eggman: Could you stop doing that?

Duff Man: What? Oh yeah!

Eggman: Saying "Oh yeah!" at the end of everything you say!

Duff Man: Duff Man can't help it. Oh no!

Eggman: Meh…good enough.

[The camera shows Shadow and Gordon walking through the camp. The horses are fidgety, and nobody is talking.]

Shadow: No one is talking! It's like a Gordon Freeman convention over here!

[Gordon looks slightly annoyed.]

Shadow: Yeah…I went there…what are you going to do? You don't talk! HA!

[Gordon looks even more ticked off, but still doesn't say anything. Megabyte and Cervantes walk up to Shadow and Gordon.]

Megabyte: Hello…

Cervantes: Arr!

Megabyte: Yes, yes, we all know that.

Shadow: So…why isn't anyone talking?

Cervantes: Arr! Arr! Arrr, arr!

Megabyte: It's easier if I explain…

Cervantes: Arr…

Megabyte: Well, see that small path there?

[Megabyte points out a small path that goes into the mountains.]

Shadow: Yeah…

Megabyte: That is the Cliché Path of the Dead. All who enter, never return, as it is haunted by damned souls, a group of teenagers went there once, no one ever saw them again, all anyone ever found was their bones, etc.

Shadow: Oh…

[Eggman walks up to the Path, and looks down into it. Tense scary music starts to play. Something green flashes across the screen. The music gets more tense. As the music starts to reach its highpoint, a loud farting noise echoes.]

Shadow: Oh, foul! Just foul!

Cervantes: (sounding like a wounded dog) Aaaaaaarrrrrrrr!

Eggman: Sorry, beer fart. Terribly sorry!

[The scene cuts to the nighttime. Samus and Rouge are on the inside of a small tent, looking at the different pieces of weaponry lying around.]

Samus: This is a broadsword, this is a pike, and over here is a wave beam cannon.

Rouge: Wave beam you say…hmm…does this penetrate through flesh?

Samus: Why do you ask?

Rouge: Well, there is a certain someone who I think needs a wave beam to the ass…

Samus: Oh…that echidna boyfriend of yours?

Rouge: Boyfriend? He is not my boyfriend!

Samus: Yeah, whatever…I've seen you looking at him!

Rouge: Well, at least I'm not making out with Eggman!

Samus: You little bitch!

[Samus lunges at Rouge and starts strangling her. The camera pans from the two girls fighting, to the side of the tent. There is a small tear in the side of the tent, and a red eye can be seen peering in.]

Shadow: He-he…this is some good stuff.

[The fighting in the tent suddenly stops. Samus picks up the wave beam cannon from the floor and aims it towards the eye. The wave beam charges up and fires.]

Shadow: AGGGH! JESUS MY EYE!! HOLY CHRIST THAT STINGS!

[Shadow screams into the night. The camera cuts to show a mysterious rider, all dressed in black, riding a black horse, riding up to the Rohan encampment, as the Nazgûl theme plays .The camera cuts to Eggman, sleeping in a sleeping bag decorated with small furry animals. Eggman starts twitching in his sleep.]

Eggman: No…no…lard…left in...the world…this can't be…HAPPENING!

[Eggman jumps up, fully awake. He looks over and sees a Rohan guard looking at him.]

Rohan Guard: Uhhh…

Eggman: (suspicious) Watching me, are you?

Rohan Guard: No sir, last thing in my mind sir, not me sir…Duff Man wants to see you in his tent, sir.

[Eggman walks out of the tent, as the guard throws a glance towards Eggman's receding back. The guard lets out a low whistling noise.]

Eggman: SEXY AM I?

Rohan Guard: On no sir, you are hideous, sir. An abomination, the scum of the Earth, vile and repulsive, sir.

Eggman: Good…I think…

[Eggman walks into Duff Man's tent, where Duff Man and the Guy in the Black Cloak from 20 seconds ago are seated. Duff Man gets up.]

Duff Man: Duff Man will now walk out of this tent. Oh yeah!

[Duff Man walks out, and the Guy in the Black Cloak gets up, and lowers his hood. It's the G-Man.]

Eggman: Whoa…what are you doing here?

G-Man: I come to get the (swallow) hell away from Peach. I hope s-s-she will catch a (swallow) terminal dis-s-seas-s-se while I'm away.

Eggman: Oh…cool.

G-Man: Als-s-so, I come with (swallow) another excus-s-se…

Eggman: Oh.

G-Man: Thes-s-se are (swallow) dark times, and the race of Men need s-s-someone they can rally to…they need a (swallow) King, and the King needs-s-s a weapon to rally (swallow) humanity to his-s-s s-s-side!

[The G-Man whips out Anduril, Boom-Stick of the West, now remade and all…shiny.]

Eggman: Oh sweeeeeet! A shotgun! Dammit, I had completely forgotten I was the King of Men…

G-Man: Yeah…maybe you weren't the bes-s-st (swallow) choice after all….

Eggman: (glassy look in his eyes) Oh yeah, King of all Men…unlimited lard for the rest of my life, some hot babe as my queen-slash-sex bitch, could there possibly be a downside?

G-Man: You will (swallow) have to rais-s-se an army of undead warriors-s-s.

Eggman: Ah, crap.

G-Man: Us-s-se the gun! Harness-s-s its-s-s (swallow) power and you will control an army greater than (swallow) any ever s-s-seen on this-s-s Earth!

Eggman: Cool!

G-Man: Or, you may be torn apart and your (swallow) fles-s-sh eaten by the undead. Either or.

Eggman: Less cool.

[The scene cuts to the outside. Eggman is equipping his horse with a bunch of stuff…mainly lard packets. Samus walks up to him.]

Samus: And where are you going?

Eggman: Well, I'm off to raise an army of undead warriors and then lead them into battle against the forces of Sauron, and raise the banner of the King of Men.

Samus: In other words, you're going to find some porn?

Eggman: After the fighting. But I really have to raise an army of the undead!

Samus: Yep. Keep telling yourself that…I'm off to sleep…and I swear to God, if I find you trying to crawl into my sleeping bag again, I will personally throw you into Mt. DOOM.

[Samus walks off, as Eggman throws a glance towards her receding back. Eggman lets out a low whistling noise. Even before the noise is done, Samus is right next to him, clutching Eggman's tongue, which is fully a foot out of his mouth.]

Samus: (rage) So…do you like your tongue?

Eggman: (in pain) Yeffh…yefffh! I life my tfongue!

Samus: You get to keep it if you promise never to make another sound when you're near me.

Eggman: Yefffh! Leggo!

[Samus let's go of his tongue, and walks off. Eggman goes to his horse, and heads towards the path. Before he gets to close, Shadow and Gordon show up.]

Shadow: Well…where are we going?

Eggman: Well, I'm off to raise an army of undead warriors and then lead them into battle against the forces of Sauron, and raise the banner of the King of Men.

Shadow: Oh…in other words, porn?

Eggman: Sure…

Shadow: Cool, we're coming with you…

[Gordon looks a little more pissed, but he follows Eggman and Shadow into the path.]