Sonic Series Fan Fiction ❯ Wacky Sonic Adventures! ❯ Chapter 3

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned from the following companies: Clamp, Sonic team, Sega, Bandai, etc. But all original characters belong to me and can't be used without permission.

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[Tails pad/workshop/bumming place/Eggman's home away from home]

Eggman [holding an empty milk carton in hand]: Hey tails, you're outta milk. [reads the expiration date] jan 03 2004…

Shadow [suddenly right beside Eggman]: You know, rotten milk is bad for your stomach.

Sonic [suddenly there also; not helping]: Yeah, the last time I drank some bad milk I had to shit for days at a time.

Eggman [unfazed by Shadow's and Sonic's words]: Whatever I'm taking off to popstar.

Shadow [confused]: Popstar? You mean that weird planet of which Kirby lives?

Eggman [nods]: Yes. I shall start my conquering of the universe there, and then I'll be back. [Leaves]

Shadow: I wonder what he meant by `conquering the universe'?

Sonic [shame]: Probably exactly what he said.

Tails [suddenly in the room; infuriated]: Who drank all of my damn milk?!

[Intro theme song: performed by Ryudo.]

They's the super ultra fast invulnerable Sonic crew!

Ain't nothing in the world they don't know how to do!

They save you from Eggman's plots and evil tyranny,

Tear you from the clutches of his goons and giant laser beams.

No crook or villain has the balls to stand up to them!

`cos if they try they know they gon get ripped limb from limb.

So don't fuck with the crew unless you got a death wish!

Whip that ass so hard you be sleepin wit the fish!

So remember who told you, my name is Ryudo!

So don't get it confused and call me that fag, Ryuho.

I don told you, so I'mz outta here!

[Instrumental]

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W*A*C*K*Y*

A*D*V*E*N*T*U*R*E*S*

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[COMMERCIAL]

Eggman [Sitting on a couch beside Void and Mr. Referee]: So, who feels like takeout?

Void [Sonic Shuffle Void]: I don't eat.

Mr. Referee [From metabots]: Sure.

Eggman [To camera]: Andy; is that camera on? [Scratches testicles]

Andy [Cameraman; lies]: No.

Eggman: Good. I don't want my Earth slaves watching me while I do my `personal business'.

Andy [really not caring; just asking to be a pain]: What business might that be?

Zim [from invader zim; appears from nowhere]: I am zim [Leaves]

Eggman [slightly baffled]: Um… that.

Void [Fanning some nut sac sweat] Eggman, turn on the AC or something, it's burning up in here!

Eggman [pulls out one of his Eggman products that are doomed to failure]: Try this Void, my new-patented `Eggman nut sac sweat fanner'.

Void [Not playing along; doesn't care; swats Eggman's product out of face]: Get that piece of shit away from me!

Zim [back again]: I am Zim! Fear me you filthy meat puppets! [Sits down on couch between Void and Mr. Referee]

Mr. Referee [Hears a faint sound; to himself]: A metabattle's about to take place. Metabattle senses tingling. [Leaves in a blink of an eye]

Andy: AAAAnnnd cut.

Eggman: That camera was on all the time, wasn't it?

Andy [Not hiding it at all]: Yes.

Zim: I am Zim!

Catchy jingle: Pledge allegiance to Eggman <sparkle noise>

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[Mystic Ruins]

Ikki [From metabots]: I challenge you! [Points to Shadow]

Shadow: I accept. [Presses button on Medawatch] Transport Miles `Tails' Prower.

Tails [annoyed]: I'm right beside you.

Mr. Referee [From nowhere]: Then it's agreed! This will be a submission Ro-battle. The first one to stop the other medabot is the winner. Ready… Ro-battle!

Tails: But I'm not a—

Shadow [interrupting; yelling into medawatch]: Attack, Tails!

Ikki: Metabee, attack!

Metabee [stubborn]: I don't take orders from you! [Can't resist a Ro-battle; attacks] Rocket launch!

[Five seconds later…]

Tails [battered and bruised; sprawled out on the ground]: I give.

Mr. Referee: Then I declare this battle over! [Runs off]

Shadow [angry]: Tails, you're the worst metabot ever!

Knuckles [cocky]: My grandmother could do better than that… and she's in a wheelchair.

Tails [shame]: So…

Rouge [slaps Knuckles over the head]: Shut up, you! [Not doing a good job of comforting Tails] It's not Tails fault that he sucks.

Tails [sarcasm]: Gee thanks.

[Popstar]

Eggman [walking around Popstar]: Hey Kirbs…

Kirby [suddenly right beside Eggman; confused]: Eggman? Kirbs? Why are you here?

Eggman: That's not important…. I'm here to conquer.

Kirby: Again?

[Eggman nods]

Kirby [sighs]: Well, while you're here you might as well help me with something.

Eggman: What?

Kirby: These two idiots at my house claim they know you and won't leave.

Eggman: Who?

Kirby: I don't know…. Ilpalazzo and Shinji something like that.

Eggman [cocks an eyebrow]: Anyone else?

Kirby [cupping chin thought (?)]: Yeah and those fat homeless plumbers.

Eggman [sighs]: Let's go.

[Kirby's house]

Mario [angry]: You-a long neck-a motherfucker!

Luigi [Ditto]: you can-a lick my fireball-a shaped-a testicles.

Il Palazzo [Right beside them; disturbed]: That's a bit disturbing.

Shinji [From that god awful Evangelion series; low self-esteem]: I hate my life.

Il Palazzo [Rage]: You need to learn to be less whiny.

Eggman [there with Kirby]: What do you want?

Mario [Points an accusing finger at Eggman]: Eggman! You-a stole the-a TV remote, and-a now we can't-a change-a the channel! What's-a matter you?

Eggman [secretly has the Tv remote wedged between ass cheeks; shifty eyes; nervous]: I don't know what you're talking about.

Luigi: You've-a got it wedged between-a your ass cheeks-a don't you?

Eggman [balls fist and shakes it at the sky; anger]: Damn you Narrator!

Mario [still pointing finger]: Get-a him!

Eggman [bolts away in the Egg-mobile]: Not if I capture your princess first! [Out of sight]

Luigi [confused]: What does-a the pink clad-a broad have anything to-a do with this?

Mario: Who-a cares? Kirby we-a need one of-a your warp stars.

Kirby [lies]: I don't know where they are.

Luigi: LIES!

Mario [poking Kirby with finger]: I demand-a the fucking- a stars, NOW!

Kirby [unfazed; more lies]: I gave them to Il Palazzo for safekeeping.

Shinji [Low self-esteem; loud]: I HATE MYSELF!!

Il Palazzo [cold hearted]: Suck it up, bitch!

Shinji [near tears; still loud]: WHY DO YOU SAY THINGS YOU KNOW WILL HURT ME!?!

[With a blast of his mighty powers, the high lord Il Palazzo reduces Shinji to dust]

Mario [Ignoring the scene that just occurred; to Il Palazzo]: Give us-a the warp stars.

Il Palazzo: I don't have them. {Points to a fleeing Kirby] He does.

Kirby [running; actually hobbling]: Eggman's in trouble! [Luigi grabs him by the arm.]

Luigi [Commanding]: Tell us where-a the warp-a stars are!

Kirby [Defeated]: Fine, they're in my house, just don't des—

[Mario and Luigi mount the Warp Stars and burst through Kirby's roof, causing the house to collapse]

Kirby [Whiny]: Aw, my house! First Eggman destroys it, then those fat ass plumbers.

[Mushroom Kingdom; Peach's castle]

Eggman [Whistling the super Mario bros. Theme as he walks to door]: Ouch, [scratches ass] That remote's getting uncomfortable. [Produces Two giant machine guns from nowhere and bursts through the door, guns blazin']

Toad [A bullet pierces his skull]: Nooo!! [Dies]

[Princess Peach's throne room]

Peach [worried]: Mario, Luigi, what's going on?

Mario [They made it before Eggman]: We've-s just received-a call that Eggman's entered-a the castle. Don't-a worry, remote, we'll-a save you!

Peach [Confused]: Remote, what remote?

Luigi [Has been thinking about the situation for awhile]: Mario?

Mario: What?

Luigi: Do we really want a remote that's been wedged between eggman's asscheeks?

Mario: We could always wash—

[Eggman crashes through the window]

Luigi [confused]: Why would-a he come through-a the window if-a he was already in here?

Eggman: I like to make a nice entrance [Whips the machine guns out and fires]

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[COMMERCIAL]

Announcer: And now time for `When Japanese and English characters collide'

Tomoyo [cute sounding voice]: Hello.

Audience: Hi, Tomoyo!

Madison [The English version of Tomoyo; bitch slaps Tomoyo in the face]: I'm the real Tomoyo.

Tomoyo [hardcore bitch; bites Maddison]: Who the fuck do you think you are? I'm the real one!

Touya [trying to stop the fight]: Stop, dammit.

Tori [The English version of Touya; punches Touya's face]: You fag! I'm the real one.

[They all begin to fight]

Yukito: Please, stop all this fighting and let's get something to eat!

Julian [The English version of Yukito; punches Yukito's face]: Fuck you, bitch.

[They both transform into Yue and duke it out]

Announcer: That's all of today folks, bye!

Catchy jingle: Pledge allegiance to Eggman! <Sparkle noise>

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Dragon ball Z announcer: Next time on Wacky Sonic adventures…

Sonic [about to be raped by Amy]: Amy NNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Amy [Horny]: Do me in the ass and I'll let you free!

Mysterious Eggman sounding voice: I'll save you.

Sonic: What the…

[Eggman falls from the sky and crushes Amy, thus killing her]

Eggman [revealed]: I am, Super Eggman! [Bolts off!

Dragon Ball Z announcer [Slightly baffled]: Um… yes… and it hall happens next time on Wacky Sonic adventures.