Sorcerer Hunters Fan Fiction / Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Rurouni Kenshin Infomercial ❯ Rurouni Kenshin Infomercial ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: We own no rights to either Ruroken, Sorcerer Hunters, Ginsu knives, or the real machine (Bo-flex). For that matter, we don't own any rights to the little infomercial lines we're parodying either! We're just having fun.

 

The Rurouni Kenshin “Bow-Flex” Infomercial

Himura Kenshin: Hey, Master. Hiten Mitsurugi is a great way to work out, but how come your muscles are so much bigger than mine?

Hiko Seijuro: (flips cape over shoulders in cavalier matter) Well Kenshin, since you ask, I'll show you the secret of my pectoral success. (Whips funny-looking wooden object out from under cloak)

Kenshin: Oro? (momentarily wonders what else is under cloak)

Hiko: I can see by your stunned expression that you've never seen one of these machines before. Let me introduce you to: Bow Flex, a revolutionary new way to work out. The Bow Flex gives you the complete workout of shooting down an entire army without the nasty side effects of pissing everyone off or having to clean up the blood. Not that you ever worried about that, right baka?

Kenshin: Oro? (eyebrow twitch, hand tightens on sakabatou as eyes flash amber)

Hiko: (ignores) And unlike swords, Bow Flex works through tension and resistance to build beautiful muscles like mine. (flexes a few times)

Gateau: (pops up in audience, waving yen in the air) I'll take two!

Hiko: I'm not done yet. (eyebrow twitch)

(Multiple hands drag Gateau down)

Kenshin: (gets up to take closer look at Bow Flex)

Hiko: (growling) Bow Flex offers a great cardiovascular workout as well. It's great for chasing your baka deshi down when he touches your things!!! (begins chasing a terrified Kenshin)

(Screen flashes and Seta Soujiro pops up smiling)

Seta Soujiro:To try Bow Flex in your home for thirty days free, call 1-800-WE-HAVEN'T-INVENTED-PHONES-YET. Our Friendly staff…

(flash to Juppen Katana, looking armed and dangerous)

Will be waiting to beat you into submission—er—I mean process your sale. (smiles)

And our sales representative…

(flash to Shishio Makoto, holding flaming sword)

Will be available to show you what happens if you don't pay us—I mean… how to use your Bow Flex. (smiles again)

If you decide to keep the Bow Flex, or continue living, you only have to pay 1995 yen in three easy installments. We would accept credit cards, except those also have not been invented yet, and therefore cannot be called in on our nonexistent phones, so you will be paying cash. And if you call in the next two minutes, you will receive a free set of reverse blade Ginshu knives.

(Flash to Saito Hajime)

Saito Hajime: These things are useless. You have all gone soft. (Goes into Gatotsu zero stance with regular Ginshu knife) Aku soku zan. I'll show you how to really use one of these.

(Flash to Kenshin, standing at cutting table with various fruits, vegetables and a hammer)

Kenshin: Oro? I thought I was doing the demonstration. (Notices Saito bearing down on him. Eyes bug out and he begins running.)

THE END

(Flash of Marron and Tira, who is carrying a mallet, dragging Gateau offstage.)

Gateau: But I want one… and I want him…

 

Author's note: This isn't a script (not officially even if it looks kind of like one... We just couldn't get this story to look right in basic narrative). It is a fictional story, not real solicitation. We just feel the need to mention these things now, because we don't want our stories or account pulled again! Anyway, please review!