Sorcerer Hunters Fan Fiction ❯ Catharsis ❯ Chapter 5

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Catharsis

Written By: Teno Hikari
email: teno_hikari@yahoo.com / tenohikari@cs.com
- Pre-read by: Sarryn
- Beta-read by: Bluepard

Disclaimer: I don't own Bakuretsu Hunters ... just this story

Summary: After his confrontation with the evil sorcerer, Zaha Torte; Carrot Glace finds himself changing ... but is it for better or worse?
Takes place during 'Sorcerer's Revenge' (the second season of the TV series - I believe) after Episode 15 - 'Until we meet again'. I'll try and be as accurate as possible even though I haven't seen the anime or read the manga for a few years.

Warning: Violence, adult situations, and yaoi - you've been warned.

EXTRA NOTE FOR THIS CHAPTER: non-con / NC-17 with a recollection of Rape.


**********

Drowning deep in my sea of loathing
Broken your servant I kneel ...
(Will you give in to me?)
It seems what's left of my human side
Is slowly changing in me ...
(Will you give in to me?)
Looking at my own reflection when suddenly it changes
violently it changes
There is no turning back now you've woken up the demon in me....
-Disturbed 'Down with the sickness'

**********


What a weird dream...


Big Mama once told me that dreams are the language of the soul. They comment on the aspects of our lives. I think I was about ten years old when Mama told me this, and I didn't have a clue on what she was saying. Of course, Marron and the other understood then. I was probably wondering what kind of underwear Dotta was wearing. Yes, I was a big pervert even back then.

Sitting up in bed, I stretch my limbs and let out a loud yawn. Man, I slept well ... and I'm beginning to really like it here at the Church. Okay, other than Big Mama and Dotta, there aren't many women around. Certainly some pretty men like Milphey ... dammit brain! I like women, so shut the hell up!

I flop back down on the bed and wonder what time it is. Probably earlier than when I normally wake up, because Tira and Chocolate would already be dragging me out. Oh, well ... I guess I can sleep until the sisters barge in with their wake up call.

Again, I wake up on my own ... or my growling inner God demands a sacrifice of...steak, eggs, bacon; and lots of it! Who am I to anger the almighty God of Hunger? All right ... all right ... I'm getting out of bed, stop bitching and let me put my pants on! Uhh... making sudden movements after sleeping that long is definitely not a good idea. My body feels really sore ...especially in a place that it ... um ... *shouldn't*. Ah hell ... I hope I wasn't sick enough to get constipated here at the Church. How embarrassing...

My stomach growls loudly, threatening that if I don't feed it soon there will be hell to pay. I don't doubt it as I quickly pull on the rest of my clothes while ignoring the aches and pains. Stop being such a wuss, my pride tells me. I've been whipped constantly by two dominatrix sisters, struck by attack magic of all kinds, and beaten down by everyone and their mother - so this ache should be nothing!

Walking to the dining area isn't 'nothing'. I'm practically ready to crawl on my hands and knees. By the time I get there, I want to go back to that comfortable bed and just sleep. Knowing me, I probably ate a whole feast and drank gallons of beer before making a complete ass of myself. That's probably why no one came to wake me ... looks like I have to cough up an apology before I can get some breakfast.

The dining room becomes silent as the doors creak open upon my entrance. Sitting at the long table, my friends look up at me, their meals now
forgotten. No 'good morning, Carrot (or darling, if it's Chocolate)' or 'finally joined the land of the living, huh?' They are all looking at me funny. Silence and funny looks. Bad sign.

"Hey, guys." I greet them with a small smile and a nervous shrug. No reaction. Not good. "Uh ... good morning?"

Well, at least I think it's morning. Casting a look to the half-eaten food on their plates, my stomach gets even more impatient. Looks like it's lunch time ... if I don't feed myself soon, I'm going to start eating the walls of this Church. Never mind that Big Mama would throw a 'mountain-destroying' fit.

"Look, I ... about the mission last night..." I trail off to try and recall what happened. My memory is doing the scrambling thing again... I need to get a new one. "I'm sorry ... I know I screwed up and it won't happen again."

Their blank stares turn into disbelieving ones. Okay, reeeaallly bad sign. I start to stutter that I didn't help at all and probably almost screwed up the whole mission. By now, my friends would have just shrugged and forgiven me but instead ... nothing. They all just blink and I find myself standing in a puddle of nervous sweat. How bad did I mess up this time?!

"Come on guys," I urge them, shifting uncomfortably and ignoring the insistent wailing of my aching body. "Say something. I know what I did
was stupid and I should have..."

The sound of my little brother's fist hitting the table startles us all. Marron rises out of his seat and gives me an incredulous stare. Ah, shit. Marron's pissed off at me ... really pissed off ... which means I've done something reaaally bad. But how bad? I mean I didn't eat his boyfriend in my beast form, did I? No, the big jerk is still with us, sitting at Marron's side. Gateau and the girls still have that shocked expression on their faces, as if I had just announced that I've become a priest or...


"Brother..."


I jerk my head up, and Marron is now standing before me, his gaze intense as he lifts his hand up. For a moment I think he's going to slap me. So I brace myself and hope that I won't fall on my ass. Instead of hitting me, his arms wrap themselves around my body, drawing me into a near-crushing embrace.

"M-Ma...rron?!" I manage to choke out. My shoulders ache all of a sudden, making my arms useless for trying to pry his arms loose. Something wet drops on my arm as Marron shudders against me. Is he ... is he crying?!

"Marron! What is it? What's wrong?!"

My little brother has never cried before! Not since mom and dad died ... not since that day when our village burned to the ground ... and ...

"How could you?!" Marron cries into my wounded shoulder.

How could I what? Was that an accusation? What the hell did I do to make him cry?! Okay ... Gateau is still here. Tira and Chocolate are still here. I'm not wearing a wedding ring (thank God) ... so ... what's up?

"Marron..." I ignore the throbbing pain in my shoulders from his grip. "What's wrong?"

"How could you think it was your fault?!" my brother demands, tears streaming down his face. Jeez ... I really can't stand to see him like this! Okay, if it wasn't my fault that the mission was screwed up ... then the mission hadn't been screwed up. That's good, right?

"C'mon, little brother," I soothe him, gently dislodging his hands from my aching shoulders. What I did I do to get them, anyway? They feel strained, like I had been lifting heavy things for hours. "Now, if I'm off the hook... I would sure love something to eat ... man, I'm starving!"

"Yay! Carrot's back to normal!" Dotta exclaims happily as she enters the
room carrying a tray of food. I would kiss her, but I really don't need a whipping right now. Especially when I feel like this! I wonder if that stone golem kicked me in the ass ... certainly feels like it. "I heard you were injured really badly last night. But I guess everything is okay and..."

"Dotta," my brother says sternly and gives her 'the look'. Okay, something is up with Marron when he gives out 'the look'. So what's 'the look' all about? It's a glare that silently threatens 'shut the hell up before I sick my pet phoenix on you to peck out your eyes'.


The room is quiet again until my stomach protests angrily and noisily at the fact that I'm not wolfing down the food sitting in front of me. Right, food. So now I'm chewing away at the three-course meal Dotta has made for me. That's it, I think I'm going to go ask Big Mama if I can move into the Church.

Now the silence is really getting to me as I watch everyone pick at his or her own food. They keep casting these nervous glances in my direction. What's wrong? Taking the last gulp of my ice tea, I set it down on the table, wipe my mouth clean and then fold my arms across my chest.

"Okay, what's the matter?"

Silence.

"Come on!" I sit up impatiently and harden my expression. "What's the matter with you guys? If it wasn't my fault, then what is it?!"

Tira, Chocolate, and Gateau stare at me, then stare at each other, and finally at Marron. My little brother is struggling to stay calm. I can tell because his hands are trembling. He catches my gaze and his hands drop into his lap. Oh, damn ... I did screw up!

"Was it the Magic Engineer?" What the hell was his name? Viscount Tattle-mutt? I think it was something like ... ow ... my shoulders *really* hurt. "What did he do to me anyway?"

"You don't remember?" Tira asks quietly from where she sits across the table from me. Her glasses slide down a little, exposing her overly concerned, ruby eyes. "You ... you really don't remember what happened?"

"Well, if I did ... I wouldn't be asking," I reply carefully. Okay my stomach is full but my body is acting up and wants to crawl back into bed. "Did he get away?"

"No," Marron answers with an icy amber glare. I wish he wouldn't do that, it makes me nervous. It was about ten times worse than 'the look' and I've only seen it when someone has me. Is that what happened? Is that why I feel so damn sore? "He's dead ... you made sure of it. But after seeing what he did to you, I wanted him to live ... I wanted to kill him slowly..."

Gateau visibly flinches at the tone of his lover's voice. "Marron, calm down! Everything is fine ... Carrot's fine ... and that bastard won't hurt Carrot again."

"HE DID MORE THAN 'HURT'!" Marron roars with a murderous look on his face that made us all back away. "HE RAPED MY BROTHER AND I..."

The room goes silent once again as I feel a cold sweat run down my back. Wait ... hold on ... Marron said he ... the Magic Engineer r-r...raped...? Oh hell...! Why, oh WHY did I have to get out of bed?!

I lean to the side of my chair and throw up.


***************

Chapter Five

***************



I hate being helpless ... well, I'm helpless when it comes to fighting sorcerers, but I hate being treated like a total invalid. Which is how my friends are treating me right now. For some reason Gateau believed I had lost the use of my legs and carried me from the dinning room back to my bedroom. I tried kicking and screaming, but my legs didn't feel like moving and my throat still felt sore after I'd lost my lunch. Poor Dotta had to clean it up off the floor.

Tira and Chocolate changed the sheets even after I protested that they were fine. Apparently, I had been color blind when I woke up, because now the clean white sheets were dirty with dark red spots. Oh, God ... I think I'm about to get sick again!

The girls leave as Marron carefully changes my clothes. Once he pulls my pants away, the stench of blood fills the air, and Gateau is quickly at my side with a wooden bucket in his hands. I would like to thank him ... but currently I'm not able to do so. So I thank Gateau after I finish revisiting lunch and am courteous enough not to speak directly at him. My breath doesn't exactly smell like roses petals at the moment.

Laying back down on the bed, I sigh in relief as a warm wet cloth wipes the sweat from my brow. I give Marron a small smile, but he continues to look wounded. I can see the guilt eat away at him and shake my head to try and dispel it.

"I cleaned your wounds last night," Marron says softly as he sits the side of the bed, facing me. "Mama cast a healing slumber spell on you, and we didn't think you would awaken so soon."

"Oh."

Turning my head I see the large purplish scars on my shoulders. Bloody stone-spikes, I can remember being pinned down by them while the Magic
Engineer was trying to remove my clothes. Swallowing the rising bile back down, I turn to face both Marron and Gateau with pleading eyes.

"You didn't see ... did you?" I croak. "The Magic Engineer and me?"

My throat burns, and Marron helps me drink half a glass of water before answering. "Yes," my brother replies mournfully. "After we defeated the
kinjus... Gateau and I went to look for you and saw ... Carrot I'm so sorry!"

Once again, Marron bursts into sobs and cries on me, arms wrapped around my neck. Another ache stabs at me, and it's one that can never be healed. I would rather eat glass shards than be the reason for my brother's tears. I raise my arms up slowly, ignoring the pain, and wind my arms around his shoulders.

"Hey," I say quietly. "It wasn't your fault, so don't blame yourself."

He shudders in my arms and shakes his head. Lifting his face up, I notice that Marron's eyes are puffy and red, as if he has been crying for hours. Have they been like that the whole time? Why hadn't I seen it before, at lunch?

"I promised I would protect you," Marron whispers, burying his head against my chest again. "I swore I would never let anyone hurt you... And ... And I couldn't keep my promise. It's my fault ... all of it is my..."

"STOP IT!"

I jerk Marron to face me and stare at his tear-streaked face. He's never cried this hard before. Resisting the urge to break down and cry too, I take a deep breath and look at him straight in the eye.

"It. Wasn't. Your. Fault."

I enunciate each word carefully. I think saying it slow lets my words sink in a little more. He's quiet for a moment and I can still see the denial on his face even as I pull him into a fierce hug. My aches scream at me in protest, but I tell them to cork their cry hole as I hold my brother. It's weird... I'm the one who gets violated and I'm comforting him.

"It was no one's fault but that slimy bastard and he got his." I still don't remember what exactly happened; otherwise I'd probably be too traumatized to speak. I guess I should prepare myself, because my dreams certainly won't let me rest peacefully now. "He's dead, Marron, and he deserved whatever fate he got."

"He deserved worse," Marron growls.

"Yeah," I agree while brushing away his tears. "But blaming yourself isn't going to help... especially not me. I'm not going to pretend that it didn't happen..." I wish I could. "But I'm not going to dwell on it and let it drive me crazy..." Because I'm already crazy enough what with having dreams of a certain soul sucker.

My brother gives me a small smile, and I guess things are going to be okay. Probably not like they were. Not yet, anyway. Marron's going to be an overprotective freak the next time we're on a mission. I doubt he'll ever forgive himself, but he'll pretend to for my sake. Eventually, we'll put this behind us... someday. Wow... I'm taking this better than I thought.

Dotta breaks the silence and I would have loved to kiss her, if I hadn't been confined to a bed. Besides that my breath is still pretty bad. The winged girl brings in a pitcher of water and some clean linen cloths. She's not aware of what exactly had happened, but Marron promises to tell her a little later.

"I really hope you get better soon, Carrot."

"Thanks, Dotta..." I say while smiling. "Sorry about ... er ... my mess."

"Oh!" Gateau hands the wooden bucket over to Dotta with a sheepish smile. "Uh... he left you another present, here..."

"So ... what happened to um ... Tattle-mutt?" No point correcting his name now. The guy's dead ... and I seriously hope it was a horribly agonizing and gut-wrenching death. Hopefully there was a lot of gut wrenching involved.

"You ate him," Gateau answers with an amused grin.

"Ah... no wonder I feel sick."

Dotta makes an 'eeww' sound as she holds the bucket with both hands. Her curiosity gets the better of her, and she looks right into it, and turns
green. "I'll go wash this out!"

We watch her fly out of the room and hope she doesn't spill any of it. Poor Dotta, I've really got to buy her something nice the next time I go
shopping. Cleaning up someone's vomit twice in one day... that's love.


***************


The next few days roll by pretty slowly... there's not a whole lot you can do being confined to a bed. My body started feeling better yesterday, but Marron insisted that I needed more rest, and Big Mama agreed. She even came to my room before I went to bed last night and sat with me until I fell asleep. Chocolate and Tira are extremely gentle when they come to visit me: bringing flowers and sweets. It's kinda weird just talking to the girls without ending up with some kind of injury. Chocolate isn't even flirting with me right now like she always does ... I think Marron had a talk with her before she saw me. Well, that's what Gateau says.

Marron is at my side twenty hours a day. It would be more if he had his way. Gateau has to drag while I kick to get him out of my room so he can actually get some sleep in a bed. I think he's waiting for me to finally crack and break down like rape victims usually do. How can I break down when I don't even remember what happened? I remember there being fire and ... the Magic Engineer of course, and when he kissed me... everything went red.

The others say that he must have tried to kill me with his magic after he was... finished. Then my beast form threw him around awhile and finally ate him alive. Marron also added that, after the Sorcerer was devoured, a blue light shot out the creature's mouth, and I returned to normal. He explained that it was probably the Engineer's borrowed magic returning to it's caster. I think that's who Milphey was sent out to take care of. Speaking of the Haz Knight, I haven't seen him around. Guess, he's pretty busy now that one of the Sorcerer Hunter groups is off duty for a while.

Another day goes by, and my source of entertainment is watching Marron and Gateau. They really are cute together. Hard to believe I was actually against it when I first found out, only for a little while, though. Marron told me that seeing me happy made him content, now it works both ways. Seeing him happy (which means blushing at Gateau's comments) with the one he loves makes me happy. Someday I would like that for myself: a nice relationship with someone who loves me and whom I love in return. It's pretty sappy when I think about it.

I think Marron has stopped playing the 'blame game' with himself for a while and is just concerned with helping me keep my sanity ... from boredom. Eventually everyone got tired of eating at the dining table. So instead, we just eat here in my room. Kinda like our normal camping nights, sitting in a circle and just talking. Dotta even joins us, and we roast marshmallows. The room doesn't have a fireplace, and I doubt Big Mama would be happy to have a campfire set indoors; so we use candles. It works out all right despite the fact that Gateau gets some melted wax on his marshmallow and *still* eats it. We're all pretty grossed out.

Right now, Gateau reminds me of this older blonde kid I used to play with. He ate worms just to show off and then would flex his puny muscles (okay his muscles were bigger than mine at the time.) I think I was really close to him, but don't remember his name. Bet that kid turned into a big muscle-headed jerk... if he survived the burning of our village. Okay, I don't need to be thinking about that now.

"Gateau, you're holding it too close to the candle. That's why you keep getting melted wax on your marshmallows..." explains Marron.

"Marron, baby," the blonde purrs loudly, putting an arm around his
boyfriend. "I love it when you talk dirty."

Chocolate and I end up howling with laughter, as Tira has to explain to poor Dotta the meaning of 'lewd comments'. Once again, the winged girl makes an 'eeww' sound and decides she's isn't hungry anymore. Marron blushes like a tomato and mutters 'pervert' under his breath.

"Not to worry," Gateau assures him. "My marshmallows will only melt for you..."

You know what? I don't think I'm hungry anymore either.

We end up staying awake past midnight, and everyone is very full and very sleepy. Luckily it wasn't that late, since we have a mission tomorrow that requires us getting up early and walking to some village. Same old, same old. Have to help Gateau drag Marron out of my bedroom for the night and convince my little brother that I'm going to be just fine. Haven't had any nightmares or flashbacks of what happened. So there is no reason for him to worry.

At least that's what I thought...


***************


I don't want to be here anymore. I know what happened, and I don't want to remember any of the details. I don't want to remember the feel of his hands on me or the pain he caused when he took his pleasure.

Fire

Why do all my nightmares contain fire? Some place is always burning ... but it's not the heat I feel. The cold of clammy hands brush against my spine and make me shiver uncontrollably. It's cold despite the bright orange flames. They writhe and change color until they settle on black. What does it mean?

I'm laying naked in a dark puddle of blood on the ground, my blood. It flows like crimson streams from the wounds in my shoulders. My clothes and sword are discarded to the side, far from my reach. My friends are oblivious to my defeat and still fighting those kinjus. I try calling out to them but can only manage a rasping groan. Screaming "get your hands off me" at the top of my lungs has only made my throat sore and dry.

It feels like I'm watching outside my head. I can see things clearly although my eyes are squeezed shut. I wish I was blind. The Magic Engineer lifts his head from between my legs and gives me a leering smile. Little tremors run through my limbs, and I almost lose my stomach at the sight my essence running down his chin.

I look away, willing myself to black out. If only I could ... then I won't feel his fingers probing in places that shouldn't be probed. I bite my lip at the intrusion of those fingers as they invade and stretch and ...

Oh fuck ...

Okay, now I think I truly have gone blind. My eyes are open, and I can't see a damn thing but two bright spots. Minutes go by, and I realize that I'm shaking like I'm possessed. The feeling is intense, my muscles clenching around those fingers, wanting more. When I regain my sight, the Sorcerer is leaning over me, on me, eye to eye, and grinning triumphantly.


"Did you like that, little Sorcerer Hunter?" he asks, twisting his fingers and making me wince. "I'm sure you did ..."

He mumbles something else, but all my brain is paying attention to is the withdrawal of those fingers and something else nudging insistently against my body, trying to fight its way inside. Swallowing hard, I try and move away. My efforts receive a sneer from the man on top of me.

"Where do you think you're going?" he demands. "I'm not through with you yet!"

My world explodes in pain and nothing else matters. Not this mission... not the burning city... not even my friends, only this feeling of being split in half. The metallic taste that fills my mouth can't distract me from the brutal thrusts. They're ripping me open...

The stench of blood is everywhere, suffocating me. I want it to... I want to die of asphyxiation right here and now, anything to stop feeling him violate my body. He lets out a low chuckle and thrusts deeper and harder until he can't go any further. Then he pulls back and starts over. Help...

[ 'Kill him' ]


If I could, don't you think I would have done it already?! My eyes open and look around frantically. Who's speaking to me? Have I finally lost it?


[ 'Unless you enjoy this kind of humiliation...']


I don't! I hate it! Someone help me! Where are my friends ... my brother ...why won't they help me?!


[ 'They can't. The only one who can help you is yourself.' ]


Then, I'm screwed, aren't I?! It's already too late! I couldn't stop him from killing those people ... from burning the city ... hell, I can't even stop him from raping me! What am I supposed to do?! How can I kill him like this?!


[ 'Give in to your fear. It will set you free.' ]


I can't ... I can't do that. I don't want to remember that... Big Mama said I didn't have to ... leave me alone!


[ 'Then do nothing. The world will not change and neither will your suffering. Your friends will die and the Magic Engineer will keep you for himself. Is that what you want?' ]


No, I don't want that.


[ 'Then, kill him. Avenge your pride and let your fear transform you...' ]


I don't want to face it alone


[ 'You won't.' ]


I don't want to feel regret.


[ 'You won't. Destruction is the only way to salvation, why should you regret it? ' ]


I want him dead.


[ 'Then take his life. He may be the 'Man closest to God' at present. But he is no match for an actual God ... he is nothing and you are everything.' ]


I won't regret it?


[ 'You won't regret it. I promise. Kill him and all those who have wronged you and stood in your way. Kill him. Kill them all.' ]

...Yes...



***************


I wake up with a start. Gasping, I sit up in bed while clutching the blankets around me for dear life. Perspiration trickles down my forehead, and I absently wipe it away. It's then I notice that there's someone else in the room.

The figure of a man is seated beside the bed. Squinting in the darkness, I can make out some of his features. God, don't let it be who I think it is. Swallowing hard, my lips call out a name before I have a chance to think.

"Zaha?" The figure in the chair flinches, and I know I have made a mistake. "Who's there?"

"It's me, Carrot."

"Milphey?" I let out a sigh of relief. "What are you doing here?" It must be hours after midnight.

"I couldn't sleep," he answers hesitantly. "I was only going to sit here for a little while. Were you having another nightmare?"

"Yes ... no ..." I feel like a retard. "I dunno ... can't remember it now."

"You're lying," the Haz Knight accuses gently. "Why?"

"I honestly don't know."

He's quiet for several seconds before speaking again, "If you want, I can stay here for a few more hours to wake you up in case you have another nightmare."

I wish I could see his expression, but he sounds concerned. I don't want to turn him away and consequently have another nightmare. "I would like that, thanks."

"Then go back to sleep, Carrot."

I lay back down and close my eyes, waiting for sleep to return. Hopefully without a bad dream about ... in fact I don't mind if I don't dream at all tonight. I just want nothing. My lips twist into a small smile as I remember the Magic Engineer's dying scream.

I don't regret it.


[ Author's Notes ]

Confused? I know I am ^_^