Sorcerer Hunters Fan Fiction ❯ Ghost of the Body ❯ Chapter 1

I could call myself a ghost to be with you, yet in reality it could quite be the opposite; a ghost is a being with no life, no body... nothing but a disconnected soul wandering invisible throughout reality, and this is not that. This is the opposite, is it not...? A body with no existence, a shell with no life. Is that the reality of being a ghost? Or is there some other name for that? If so, I'm not aware.

 

You're aware, aren't you... you're aware, and you live, and you love. And you smile at me as if I were as normal as you think me.

 

The moonlight catches you and you catch me and you're warm. Not a dream. Not him. His reality would be warmer than this; his reality would burn, and we'd shame ourselves forever from another point of view... I wouldn't be shamed. Niisan, I'm not afraid! If it's you, then...!

 

It's not you, niisan. You're not who I'm with, you're not the name I cry or the person who holds me. Gateau... Gateau, you're not who I want. You're not him, not my brother... you're not who I want. I don't want you. I need you. For him I would die. For him, I would live, and we'd be alive and aware... I would live.

 

This is not living. I breathe, but he would make me alive... with you, Gateau, I can breathe. You keep me living if not always alive. For only brief moments with you, I am alive... I am alive and aware, but with him it'd be different. I wouldn't have to strive for that feeling with him. He would tell me to live, he would tell me to be alive, and for him, I would. For him I would live and with him I would be happy... but that is impossible, and thus so is it all.

 

And... you don't realise any of that, do you? Of the struggle that takes place within me, the dull part of me which dies whenever I am taken and it's not him... let's have sex, Gateau. Let's fuck like we don't care. You enjoy it. I don't care. Take your pleasure where you can find it. I don't find it here.

 

In mind I am his and in body I belong to nobody. Let anybody at the body, I don't care - gratification is good and for those moments, I am alive. Anything else is superfluous except for him; nothing matters except for him, and he can't understand or appreciate my personal sacrifice... Gateau could never either. Are we together? Would you call us 'lovers'? Call this a 'relationship'? I need you but I don't, Gateau. As far as you can give I can take, and for that, I need you.

 

It doesn't have to be you. It could be anybody, couldn't it...? Anybody who was willing, anybody who would do the things I asked. I don't think of you at my climax, Gateau - why should I? My mind won't interpret you in that way. My mind takes what you give me and transforms it into what I want, and what I want is what I can't have, my brother.

 

I see him in my dreams. I see Carrot in my dreams, and it plagues me. Niisan, I hate to imagine you like I shouldn't, I hate for you to degrade yourself in such ways for my pleasure, but... the shame is what drives us, and we're desperate. In my mind I sense you and every inch of your flesh is familiar to me; in life it is similar, but my fingers can't speak experience of your body. Only his body. Gateau's body.

 

It could be anybody, couldn't it...? It could be anybody, I could have anybody, my brother always tells me so. Why don't I? Seek out Facade's nightlife, go with whoever I took a fancy to - for the night and only for the night. Take part of me and don't come back; see a side of me few should ever, write it off and forget about it.

 

I don't want that.

 

Perhaps there is somebody could call 'niisan' but it's not Carrot. Daily I call him nothing but... I cry that name into my pillow and I can't even call him that. Do you think me caught in a nightmare, niisan? No, not a nightmare. A treasured dream of you where we are together... that makes me shudder and shed tears more fervently than a nightmare ever would. A nightmare goes away; this doesn't.

 

Gateau once joked that I could call him 'aniki', if I wanted. Said he'd protect me like my real big brother never did... I told him he was strange, he laughed and forgot about it.

 

Nobody is my brother but him, Gateau. Don't you dare even try to suggest you could take his place...!

 

You fill his place in my body, though. I feel complete in the physical then I think of him and I feel empty. I don't want lots of people. I have you. I want him. I'm not greedy; that's enough. But I won't call you 'aniki'... nobody has a brother's title but my brother himself; he haunts me like a ghost might, and if I had him, I might be complete.

 

He is my brother. I want him as more than that... until then, he can haunt me as much as he pleases. Even without realising, I let him do such things. I'll wait for you, niisan. Until then, I am a shell. He is the ghost and I am the body; he is my soul, and I am empty without him. I will have no other brother than you, Carrot; I refuse.

 

Become more than that... I beg you...

 

Don't pay attention to Gateau. It's a lie, it's all a lie. It's a lie I need. Ask me about my feelings, niisan. Ask me how I feel for Gateau, please, don't just accept it...

 

Haunt me like a real ghost would... possess me, let me feel you inside me...

 

I don't want to pretend any longer...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Random creepiness, yay. I wrote most of it in an english lesson, I can't remember why I had a lesson where I had no work to do, but I think I was either all done or procrastinating, likely the latter. Anyway, I wanted to see if I could finish a fic in that time ^_^. Took me about 45 minutes in all, then I messed with it after I typed it up, expanded on it a little and such. I like writing creepy!Marron, it's funn~~