Sorcerer Hunters Fan Fiction ❯ Perpetual Thoughts ❯ Prologue ( Prologue )

... Just a little further...

 

Ah, no, not quite.

 

... Like that?...

 

... No.

 

... Or that?

 

Again, no.

 

The afternoon itself was quite unassuming. It'd been a quiet day, no missions for the Sorcerer Hunters to partake in, nothing that really needed to be done... the day had been a relaxing one, on most accounts. Carrot had gone to the downtown city in order to attempt to pick up girls, and he'd been chased by Tira and Chocolat who expressly forbade that action. Gateau had posed and flexed, Eclair had acted in a similar way, and Sirius and Dota, Marron guessed, were floating around Eden somewhere, still firmly in love.

 

As far as Marron went, his day had also been quite peaceful. He'd debated following his brother into town, but... that wouldn't have achieved anything. The girls Carrot attracted himself to would be too busy eyeing up Marron, and that wouldn't endear the two brothers any. And as much as Marron wanted to take care of his brother, he knew that Tira and Chocolat's punishment was a possibly more viable one; it didn't really work so far as stopping Carrot's actions, but hurting his brother was more than Marron could do; if he needed punishing, let Tira and Chocolat deliver that punishment.

 

So the day had been spent, as usual, on magic research. Reading through old, dusty tomes... leafing through them, page by page, absorbing their knowledge, memorizing various magical practices, practicing yet more... Marron felt energized through his study, feeling happy and safe in the knowledge that his day had been spent in an entirely useful way, even if the day hadn't involved vanquishing evil and disposing of evil Sorcerers. A day didn't have to be spent violently to be worthwhile, after all; peace and quiet also leant itself to Marron, and he enjoyed those days as much as anybody else did.

 

Most of the day had been involved with magic study, though. Occasionally, Marron needed a mild break... occasionally he walked around, sometimes he got something to drink, something to eat... eventually, the weather had turned colder, and Marron'd returned to he and Carrot's bedroom. The wind was cold, but the sun wouldn't yet set; Carrot had stated that he'd return around then. So Marron still had time.

 

Magic practices were forgotten about by the time the late afternoon rolled around; the relaxing feeling of the morning had worn away, and Marron's thoughts drifted to the others. It seemed strange, almost... the group spent near enough all day every day with each other in some form or another, even sleeping was in the same room as his brother... the silence of being suddenly alone was hard for Marron to bear.

 

Most of all, he wanted to make sure Carrot was alright. That, without going into town, would be hard to do, though. As far as Marron knew, Carrot hadn't returned, neither had Chocolat or Tira... he supposed that Gateau and Eclair were around somewhere, but that wasn't quite the companionship he wanted. No, what he really wanted was to make sure that Carrot was safe. That was the most important thing.

 

Setting his open book down on a nearby desk, Marron sat back in the chair, pushing back a fraction, able to lean his feet against the lower ends of the desk's legs. Throwing his arms behind him, he turned to look out of the window, allowing the still silence to enrapture him for a few moments.

 

So quiet... almost too quiet... the silence lent itself to other situations, and Marron shook his head from such thoughts. No, things like that wouldn't get him anywhere. Today was a day of rest, today was a day to catch up on magic study, today was a day... today was a day where... perhaps... he might...

 

Allowing his magic study to be forgotten and keeping in mind that Carrot might return at any time, Marron quickly took himself to his bed. He took a deep breath, falling back onto the bed, hands quickly at the sash that held his robe together. Pulling that away allowed for his lower robes to be parted, his trousers, his undergarments to be lowered... he closed his eyes as fingers touched bare skin, and his mind worked furiously to induce that desired state onto his mind and body combined.

 

It'd been so long since he'd last had that feeling...

 

Desire and need were feelings that could come easily to anybody, Marron included. He too had his share of darker thoughts, infrequent though they might seem when compared to, perhaps, his brother. But that wasn't to say that Marron didn't think like that at all. Not that he didn't think like that, more that he didn't choose to indulge in that want... many nights were spent in the forests, and even if Carrot might choose to masturbate when he didn't think that people were aware of it, Marron didn't wish to risk it. As he watched Carrot, Marron was aware that, perhaps, eyes might be on him also... it thrilled him in a way to watch his brother, but the thought of somebody else watching him... somebody not Carrot... the idea made Marron uneasy. Best not to risk it.

 

So missions were spent trying to fight away such thoughts. Missions were spent in the normal mission way, and should Marron feel like that, he'd leave the group for a while claiming he needed space for concentrated magical meditation, and while some might have taken the opportunity to have a quick one in the bushes, Marron was still keen not to be caught; he'd sit quietly, and gently ease those thoughts from his body. The body may feel such need, lust, burning desire... the mind might be affected also... but surely that was a weakness? Surely that was something to be tamed?

 

With that questionable viewpoint, Marron had felt it better to focus on ridding himself of his thoughts than indulging them. Aside from the danger of being caught, there was also the guilt Marron felt; he'd long come to terms with the fact that, really, his brother was the person he wanted. Who else might there be? Carrot had his bad points, but he also had his good points, and who else might there ever be that Marron'd feel so strongly for? Marron didn't like the idea of feeling so strongly for anybody except his brother, and if love was supposed to be the underlying sentiment of any relationship, then he had more than enough for he and his brother combined.

 

Of course, that wasn't exactly normal. A few talks had been had on Marron's sexuality between the two brothers, only disguised; Marron couldn't lie to anybody particularly well to anybody (let alone to Carrot), but obscuring elements of the truth wasn't the same thing as lying; saying that there was somebody who Marron liked who was male, that was enough to say.

 

That had been hard enough; the issue had preyed enough at Marron'd mind for it to be visible upon his body. The way he walked had been troubled, he'd seemed more distant than usual... with the others, he covered it up as best he could. With Carrot, he hadn't wanted to dodge the issue, and so, with a careful touch of summoned emotion, Marron had said that there was indeed somebody he liked, who was indeed male; nothing Carrot did or said could prevent this, and Marron wasn't prepared to change how he felt. He just needed to tell somebody, and he felt that his brother was the person he could trust the most.

 

And in the end, brotherly devotion had come above anything else. Feeling the responsibility of being Marron's most trusted person, Carrot couldn't argue Marron's feelings. He'd said that it was a little weird, but he'd kind of suspected all along anyway, what with Marron being so pretty and all.

 

Marron hadn't been sure what his physical appearance had to do with his sexuality, he wasn't sure if he exactly considered himself pretty (that was something that girls were, surely?) but hadn't argued the point.

 

Carrot asked who said person Marron liked was, Marron said he'd rather not say. Carrot had said he had an idea, but that he'd respect Marron's wishes, and not press the matter.

 

Then there'd been silence, then a "You're sure you don't wanna tell me?"... this had carried on for about a week or so, Carrot wanting to know who Marron liked, Marron not telling him... Marron could have said Gateau or Milphey or someone, but that would have been to lie, and Marron didn't want to do that. And besides, might that not push him further away from his brother, if it was definitely someone else that Marron liked?

 

Marron had just been happy that Carrot hadn't shunned him for said admittal, but a later talk dashed Marron's thoughts somewhat. The conversation had been on Milphey, and Carrot talking about how he hated it when Milphey hit on him; Marron asked what the problem was, and Carrot had just stared, like Marron was missing the glaringly obvious. Seemed that Carrot didn't mind or feel threatened by gay people as long as they kept their hands well away from his absolutely straight body; and of course, Marron would never try anything like that, due to the family connection... Carrot had joked about that, asking Marron if he'd ever do anything like that; Marron had said "Of course not, niisan" but his voice sounded false even to his own ears... he didn't know if Carrot had picked up on that, but the conversation had died soon after.

 

So Marron had feelings that were decidedly strange, and a lot of the time he spent repressing those thoughts. He wanted to respect Carrot's feelings, and for a short time, he'd tried to forget his feelings, try to like somebody else or nobody at all, or maybe keep an eye on the opposite gender, try and see what his brother was so obsessed about...

 

Girls they met during missions held no deep connection, and Marron didn't really see anything so special about them. They were nice, but as far as Marron's sexual drive went, they were dull, they didn't alight anything at all.

 

Tira and Chocolat? They were closer, but... thinking of them like that made Marron want to scurry safely back to his thoughts of Carrot; they were more familiar, and somehow, Carrot was just more attractive like that. Marron wasn't sure why. Tira and Chocolat were arguably prettier, Tira had the demure grace and good manners and quiet charm, Chocolat was sexy and would no doubt be quite the tiger in the bedroom, but neither held the quality that was uniquely Carrot; in the end, Marron had given up. Random girls, no. Tira and Chocolat, no. Girls in general... well, no.

 

So, guys in general?

 

After his few weeks studying the gentler sex and coming to the conclusion that his brother was better than all of them combined, Marron had studied the other side, people of the same gender. Carrot was a guy, and if Carrot was a girl Marron wasn't sure what he'd think, so there had to be some quality of Carrot as a male that attracted itself to Marron. He still wasn't sure what that was. Carrot wasn't especially macho or handsome, he got distracted easily and often messed things up... but even so... that didn't matter...

 

Marron found himself looking at men they met for a few seconds longer than he'd looked at the girls before dismissing them. People he didn't know held no attraction at all; they could be anything, Marron wouldn't know... and the distance wasn't attractive at all.

 

So, men they did know?

 

The choice fell between two kinds, and two people in particular; between Gateau Mocha, and Milphey Yu. Both men with an active interest in Marron, and still Marron generally ignored their affections. Gateau especially. Milphey was a flirt, and he liked everyone, really. Tira and Chocolat, Carrot of course, Marron too, perhaps Gateau also... Milphey was an excitable person, and Marron wasn't really sure what to make of him. He didn't accompany the Sorcerers on too many missions, and when he did, he just flirted with everybody... yes, Milphey could be serious, but Marron had problems imagining Milphey taking anything sexual serious in any way at all. He was probably capable of it, but until he did anything to prove that, Marron wasn't going to muse on that point for too long.

 

That left Gateau.

 

More than Milphey, Gateau obviously saw something in the young mage, whether it was love or lust or what... maybe he just wanted to shower attention on somebody? Well, he showed his body to anybody who was willing to look. Maybe he saw Marron as a challenge, since he never looked... that said, Carrot never looked, the Misu sisters never seemed too interested, and Gateau never specifically ripped off his shirt for their benefit. Maybe Gateau was a masochist at heart, and wanted to annoy Marron into letting off fireballs into his direction. Marron wasn't sure.

 

Milphey, Gateau... Carrot. Carrot. The one person Marron was sure he did like. Marron came to the conclusion, eventually, that gender wasn't the issue. If Carrot had been his sister he was really not sure as to whether he'd be having such thoughts about him, but that wasn't the point, Carrot had been born his brother and that couldn't be changed. People Marron didn't know held no interest... Carrot was someone Marron knew, Carrot was someone Marron felt he knew best, or at least felt he could trust the most, someone he felt safe with, felt quietly comforted by, felt would support him if he needed supporting, felt would fight for him if he needed fighting for, someone he always wanted to protect, no matter what, someone he...

 

... Someone he loved.

 

The bottom line was, to Marron, it didn't matter about anything else. He loved Carrot, and eventually, he decided not to fight those feelings, and instead chose to embrace them. So sexual thoughts of his brother crossed through his mind; there wasn't any way to fight them, at least...

 

It was when they frequented his mind enough for them to be a problem that Marron felt he should really do something about them. Some days the need would grow so powerful, it was all he could do not to throw himself at Carrot, look up at him with Chocolat-practiced doe-eyed charm and go 'Take me, niisan...' or something similar. Or maybe he'd push Carrot down, and...

 

Several times, even in battle, Marron had been caught out by his thoughts. Battles were usually of little bother, just an ofuda thrown here, a barrier cast there, a suzaku attack here and a genbu attack there and things were fine; on the whole, it had been, but somehow Marron'd failed to notice the zombie thing coming up behind him, being too distracted by his brother picking himself up the floor with just the most wonderful expression of intense emotion... alright, so said intense emotion might have been pain, but even so, the way his eyes closed tightly and his jaw gripped, his cry, they could be taken in a way not entirely painful...

 

Gateau had cried for Marron to look out, and Marron had turned around just in time to be attacked by the zombie. The others had rallied around to attack the thing before Marron was strangled, but as his neck was tended to after the battle, Marron quietly berated himself for allowing himself to be distracted. His love for Carrot was unquestionable, but obviously needed to be restrained, just a little.

 

That was where the meditation had come in. Using the logic that he could balance on deadly-sharp spikes on one foot without coming to harm if he put enough concentration in, Marron was sure that subduing the thoughts of his brother would be easy in comparison.

 

Theoretically, they might have been; it took a lot of concentration and a lot of soul-searching, but after a few months of intensive study and meditation and purposeful denial, Marron finally found that, if on the road and thinking of Carrot, he could indeed just say to himself "I shouldn't be thinking about this at the moment", and he could make himself concentrate on more immediate matters; if it ever did become a problem, he'd just promise himself that he could make up for his thoughts once they slept, or once they finished the mission. By pushing the thoughts into the promise of the future, they were easier to banish for the time being.

 

Pushing away thoughts of Carrot had also been, essentially, pushing away Marron's other feelings, the feelings associated with Carrot that he wished to banish. It was alright to still see Carrot in the brotherly fashion, still be angry when he was attacked, still be worried when he was in danger, but...

 

In the end, pushing away the thoughts of Carrot also meant pushing out the thoughts of Marron's own arousal.

 

Carrot was, of course, the only person Marron thought of like that. By telling his mind and body that his brother mustn't be thought of like that, it eventually grew used to the feeling that arousal was somehow a bad thing also, grew used to the perpetual wait for stimulation. It could wait. It'd come later. And due to circumstances, it often never did, but... again, it could wait. If he waited, it'd be more special when he actually did, more intense, surely. Maybe. Perhaps.

 

Circumstances being what they were, Marron didn't realise for quite some time after that, that actually there was something of a problem; other times he'd written it off as him not really being in the mood, being disturbed by other things, the mood not being 'right', not being in the right frame of mind, but... even when he could think of nothing else, even when his body burnt, his body shook, he shivered, he trembled, he moaned with the slightest touch... it was arousal most definite, but... the problem then was the same as it was now...

 

... and even in the present, Marron moaned quietly as his hand worked on his lower body, his hips thrust continually as he felt his fingers stroke his arousal... his mind was working as hard as he could make it, imagining Carrot in such sinful ways... such ways that excited him most... the things he always denied himself, he could think about, so he did... and climax was so close, Marron could almost feel the numbing sensation enveloping him... he thought about what that'd be like, to be able to come to release, to cry his brother's name so helplessly while he imagined Carrot doing the same...

 

So badly he wanted it... his hand gripped a little harder, moved a little faster, enough to be almost painful, but Marron didn't care; he needed that feeling, but... somehow... somehow, it never arrived... and even though he continued, even though his erection was still hard and hot in his hand, even though his mind raced from scenario to scenario with lightning fast speed... as much as it'd been a problem in the past, it was still a problem in the present.

 

The truth of the matter was one that became uncomfortably more obvious to him as time went on. He slowed in his actions, lay back on the bed, and stared at his hand. It shook with the strain his body felt from the force of his arousal, but... despite that...

 

Marron sighed loudly, half-snarling as he did so, clenching his hand into a frustrated fist. His body was much too well-trained for it's own damn good... Marron knew it was as true now as it'd ever been.

 

Climax was, simply, impossible.