Sorcerer Hunters Fan Fiction ❯ Perpetual Thoughts ❯ Resolves ( Chapter 25 )

The morning that broke over Facade wasn't a particularly bright one, nor was it specifically dark, either. The clouds covered the sky in a grey shroud, yet the sky was mixed with enough light to make it possible to believe that the sun shone beyond those clouds somewhere. A light yet dull day. As it was, not many of Eden's residents were particularly aware of the weather, though it was possible that they would spend enough time through that day staring up at the sky. The mission of the previous day hadn't gone well and it was possible that that had somehow quietly affected the group morale of the Sorcerer Hunters, but given that even Milphey woke up that morning feeling heavy, perhaps the global atmosphere could have been somehow to blame.

 

Not that Milphey didn't have his own reasons - indeed, he might have had more reason than most to wake up feeling listless, not that he would have actually told anybody that reason. No, for the time being... as far as he knew, the Sorcerer Hunters had no mission that day. Even if they had, it would have made little difference... if they needed the assistance of a Haz Knight then surely Cinnamon could come to the rescue. Not everything had to be the responsibility of one person, did it? Milphey didn't feel like doing much on that day.

 

The curtains were open and Milphey lay upon his bed. The bright of the sky outside somehow transferred itself to the inside of the room, things were unmistakably lighter for having the curtains open... Milphey sighed loudly. Nobody could have specifically said that the sun shone into the room, but something was happening. Something out there, somewhere.

 

It didn't really matter.

 

It had been a year since the last time, hadn't it? And a year before that... and that... and even before that... the years that preceded that one listless day fell back in a pattern, and it had almost become tradition to spend that one particular day of the calendar not doing anything. A calendar sat on Milphey's desk, yet the day in particular was not circled or marked in any way... it didn't have to be. Each day of the year was something separate in itself, something new, yet... there seemed something about that day biologically programmed into Milphey's body to remove him of any energy and inspiration.

 

A year since the last time, and three hundred years before that... more or less? Somewhere along those lines. Not all specifics had to be tracked, but one day in three hundred (or so) cropped up more often than one year in three hundred. Especially when that year was in the past, so far in the past... so far in the past yet so immediate to memory, and more than just stare at that pair of earrings that hung over the top ornament of Milphey's mirror across from his bed, Milphey had got out of bed earlier to retrieve those earrings. As he lay on the bed, he held those two objects in one hand across his chest. His sheets were idly pushed around him and he hadn't bothered to get dressed yet... his hair was having one of its irrational days and he hadn't bothered to try to tame it just yet. The cool metal of the earrings had faded under the warmth of his hand, but still he could feel the vaguely tapered edges pressing against his skin. Nowhere near sharp enough to cut or make bleed, though... Milphey wasn't entirely sure he would have noticed even if that had happened.

 

So long ago...

 

So long ago, and so much had happened within that time. So incredibly much. Even to think of all of the things that he'd experienced, it was sometimes a little difficult for Milphey to really realise that he had experienced all that he remembered, all that he read written in his extensive diaries... might not some of those things have been dreams? Figments of the imagination? It had been so long that he wouldn't have been surprised if some had been. Details of one day could be remembered, but then the day after that would have been forgotten entirely... memory was a strangely fleeting thing. How many things had he experienced versus exactly how many things he could remember? All the people that he'd known, all the places that he'd been... somehow all of those experiences in that past led to that present, that recollection, that near-apathy for the present and future spurred on from what had been lost in the past...

 

Strictly, he knew that sitting around moping wouldn't let him gain anything. Some thoughts always held the slightest degree of pain even to that day, and he'd managed to discipline himself to not quite think of those things. Of the loss. The confusion. That lack of presence that said 'he is dead' but that bright green light that said... that said...

 

Milphey wasn't sure even to that day what that said.

 

"... This world is not alone, Milphey...!"

 

Hadn't he thought 'Milphey' a cute nickname? Quite a few people had, across the ages. Perhaps the first occasion had been Cinnamon tripping over her words... perhaps it had. Maybe she'd remember? Milphey didn't feel like asking her.

 

"If you can wait that long, then we'll meet again someday, I'm sure of it. I promise."

 

A promise was a romantic thing when it lacked the setting needed to be fulfilled. Waiting for that long... how long was that long, anyway? A hundred years? A thousand years? A million years? Maybe just two or three years longer, or maybe so far in Spooner's future that it couldn't even be predicted... and how could that work, anyway? Reincarnation... it was possible. Milphey had seen stranger things and indeed, was not the system of the Peer Gods in those Sorcerer Hunters a system of reincarnation? Well, that wasn't something decided. Apricot had had Hakaishin taken into her that time, hadn't she? That didn't explain the others, though. Perhaps Hakaishin was the stronger link but the possibility of the Gods reincarnating throughout the ages in wait for Hakaishin wasn't impossible. Perhaps that was it. Maybe.

 

Reincarnation...

 

Some part of the cycle of birth and death...

 

Well, Milphey supposed. That was something he'd never quite experience and he wasn't sure to that day how aware of all of that he had been. Back at that time... that was a long time ago, back when Big Mama was Kanure and long before Shallot had unleashed his power... Kanure had her aides, but when did aides become Haz Knights? There had been something special about Shallot. Milphey frowned. No, his memory was playing tricks on him, of course it had been after Shallot had... did whatever it had been that he'd done... Milphey distinctly remembered something of that boy and Sorcerers... had he been a slave to Sorcerers before? He hadn't been a Sorcerer, Milphey remembered that much. If nothing else, Milphey himself would have been far too young to have been even considering things like that before becoming a Haz Knight in substance rather than only by name...

 

Nevertheless, that was still a long time ago.

 

If all of his talk had been of reincarnation... if his soul, his spirit, his whatever had been reincarnated somewhere in somebody else... that thought always caused a pull within Milphey's chest. What if that reincarnated person was on the other side of the Continent? What if he lived out his life somewhere unknown on Spooner and Milphey himself never even realised? The Continent was a large place and Milphey knew it a fruitless task to even presume that he could ever know everybody, even a fraction of all the people on the Continent.

 

Even if the fraction was a large one, only one person on the Continent would have that soul. Would there be any way to know, any way to realise? The way he'd always spoken said to Milphey that he would know, somehow. How, he wasn't quite sure. However... a soul was a soul but what part of the human body made up memories? If a body died... surely memories would die with it? Somehow... unless part of the soul was memories. That, Milphey thought, was also possible.

 

That also depended on the person in question dying in the first place. Would it have been easier if there had been a body to hold in those final moments? The coldness and the stillness that spoke of the loss of life...

 

Milphey wasn't quite sure how he hadn't already asked Kahlua or Shiffon about that light that time. If there was anything on the Continent to know about such things, then surely one or the other would know... it had become a matter of putting the question off. Ask at the end of the week. Ask next week. Ask when the mood is better, is worse, is right. Not just yet. Some other time. Maybe when it doesn't hurt so much. This had turned into a matter of centuries. Milphey smiled slightly at himself. Something really wouldn't get done if you kept putting it off, would it?

 

Somewhere outside, the shade of the clouds seemed to diminish, just for a few moments. The sun had won a slight battle against that which would work to cover it, and just for that little while, it seemed quite sunny in the bedroom. The sun certainly shone nicely off of the orange walls, made them vibrant, made them bright... Milphey laboriously picked himself up into a sitting position, leaning on one hand (that still held the earrings) and tucking locks of hair behind one ear with the other. He sighed. Felt a little strange to move. Being sat up like that... even that seemed too energetic a move all of a sudden. The urge to fall back against the bed was strong... should he give in to that urge? Milphey pondered this for a few moments before shuffling back against the mattress. He leant back, now supported by the bedhead, the back wall of his bedroom.

 

The lethargy and the apathy was only part of the problem, if 'problem' was the right word for it. It was in the small things that Milphey found himself missing that person, some times more than others... that emotion had many facets, too. Sometimes was the feeling of 'I wish he could have been here to see this'. Sometimes it was 'I wish I could have gone there with him', or sometimes 'Gosh, things like that certainly weren't around when he was, were they?'... some days it hurt more than others and some days the pain took form in various ways. There was the current experience and contemporary culture either missing him or he was missing, but then when it came to the specific, the particular, the very particular...

 

Some lovers hadn't minded if Milphey hadn't said their names. To be fair, some of them didn't say Milphey's name some of the time. Some of them had been angry, some of them hadn't even noticed. It was a handy name like that... more vowels than not, one in particular that could quite be mistaken for a triumphant cry. Not that any of those people could have come close to replacing him and it wasn't as if Milphey liked to think himself quite the kind of person who'd seek replacement like that - every different person was a separate experience, and it was a good idea to keep that in mind. Sometimes experience was borne through need and that sense of missing another person, but to actually think of that person...

 

Well, naturally it'd happened at least once or twice if not more over the extent of Milphey's life, something like that was a little inevitable. It still didn't stop Milphey feeling bad about it when it happened to happen, though - was it dishonouring the memory of those now gone to sleep with somebody else with memories still so apparent? Was it dishonouring the physical presence of that person in the moment to think of somebody else? Possibly, possibly. Keeping the memories alive was one thing, but deception, no matter how quiet, was quite another.

 

Such mornings and days could however be somewhat easier to bear when there was somebody else to bear the sadness. Not that Milphey would ever have told those people the specifics of his sadness, but they didn't have to know. Just as long as there was somebody there to hold, to be held by... it wasn't that he wanted to put his memories out of his mind, but there was at least that vague sense of still feeling alive if he was being convinced of that by somebody else. The warmth of a body couldn't be that specific warmth, but heat and passion would still warm him in their own ways.

 

Perhaps that was how things had fallen so neatly into place with Onion. Onion's pain and loss had been very sudden, very specific, and had anybody seen Apricot's body in order to be able to mourn? Her body had been taken by such a powerful force, surely that was worse? Grand Pa had spoken of her death but again, without a body there was always that slight doubt, that slight hope that perhaps, just perhaps...

 

Again, it was something Milphey felt slightly... well, not regretful for, but perhaps the situation hadn't been... maybe it could have... well...

 

Milphey was sure that Onion would have denied it if asked, but Milphey couldn't help but feel that perhaps there'd been a degree of taking advantage in those days not so long ago. On the other hand, Onion had been lonely and had needed comfort, Milphey had quite readily provided that comfort... had that kind of comfort been what he'd needed? Well, they'd carried on for quite some time, so it couldn't have been said that it was entirely unwanted...

 

Fast forward a few years and Milphey was then meddling in the lives and emotions of Onion's children. There still seemed something a little strange about that, though Milphey couldn't quite put his finger on exactly what that was.

 

Times past had inflicted such things on previous lovers, but it just so happened that this year there was no lover, and on that one day that always felt lonely no matter what, it just so happened that Milphey was alone. Perhaps that was a good thing. Milphey turned his head towards the window, looking straight out at the trees and the sky offered in front of him... hadn't he told Marron of such things? He hadn't really told anybody of those things before. He wasn't sure he could answer the question of just why he'd told Marron those private things other than perhaps that it'd been on a whim, but still, quite a strange sort of whim to indulge in... maybe it was just that Marron was a sensible sort of listener. The other people Milphey had ended up in bed in similar situations with were more along the lines of lovers, and how many lovers appreciated being told so nostalgically of those who'd come before them? As to what to classify Marron as... he'd asked that question long ago and Milphey still hadn't got an answer. That question, just what had their relationship become? Well, that was questionable. It wasn't as if much had happened since, it seemed like so long since they'd even talked...

 

Mind shifting to different thoughts, Milphey's expression faded softly into a frown. It hadn't really been so long. Well, it hadn't been too long since they'd had an easy conversation. That last time had been when he'd given Marron the toy, hadn't it? Marron had implied this and that, but when it came to an actual serious conversation...

 

"Maybe I should talk to you..."

 

His voice sounded quiet and somewhat strange in the empty bedroom. It wasn't as if anybody was going to answer anyway, but the vocal expression just confirmed Milphey's thoughts... well, the idea was a sensible one. To talk to Marron. Perhaps to talk to Carrot, also? Milphey still didn't feel he knew quite what was going on between the residents of Eden. Usually he would have been content to sit back and say that the business of other people was their business unless they made it Milphey's own, but then was the reasoning that, like it or not, he was involved with those young Sorcerer Hunters, and more and more recently they seemed to be making their business Milphey's business... so then when they didn't, it seemed somewhat strange...

 

A more immediate kind of concern...

 

Milphey turned his head, looking up at the bedroom ceiling. Held his hand tighter around the two earrings just for a second or two. There had been no complications there, had there? Sometimes some arguments, sometimes some pain... the good times had far outweighed the momentary painful times, though. There had never been an argument that an apology wouldn't solve, never a problem that a hug wouldn't alleviate. To get together had only seemed natural.

 

If only the current Sorcerer Hunters of Eden had the same mindframe. Milphey had known (or known of) these current Sorcerer Hunters for most of their lives. The Misu sisters and Carrot... neither said anything. Gateau and Marron, it had taken him years to say anything. Marron and Carrot, their relationship seemed at a constant standstill from all the obstacles that seemed to be presented to them. Milphey sighed loudly; wouldn't it help if they all just sat down and talked about their feelings? If they talked truthfully about things. If Chocolat seriously admitted her feelings for Carrot. If Marron sincerely talked of the depth of his feelings. If Gateau explained to Marron sensibly what his hangups still were. Surely like that they could work things out easily? But no, nobody ever said that the path of love was an easy one.

 

Nobody ever said it had to be so complicated, either. Overall, as much as events were frustrating to anybody else, so too were they for Milphey; he could only watch the events as they unfolded and guide them as far as his influence was able...

 

It annoyed him that none of them seemed to wish to grasp the opportunities presented to them. He understood feeling as much as anybody else and he sympathized with those who couldn't speak their feelings, but sometimes, some days, in some certain moments where you couldn't help but miss somebody now lost... when the moments seemed full of empty silence and all you craved was one particular warmth that only one particular person could grant, it seemed tiresome that others would walk the same corridors as their desired persons and purposefully not do anything.

 

Marron had also been the most recent to lay claim to Milphey's body, he couldn't quite forget that. Desiring such a warmth, naturally his mind was going to retreat back as far as the most recent time in memory... that most recent time was that time, to remember it made Milphey curl up against himself on the bed. Marron had been so twisted and so taken by his desires... surely that encounter had been a betrayal to various people in various ways, but as far as Milphey thought, those such things were the least of his concerns. He could be such a feral youth when he wished to be, or at least when he didn't wish to be... such a person Carrot would wish to push away and Gateau would wish to resent. How idiotic. Milphey felt that if he knew that Marron had any kind of feeling towards him at all, he'd so quickly take advantage of that...! If Marron wanted him (as anything, for anything), then he'd let Marron have him.

 

Currently, their relationship seemed to stand that Marron would want him when he wished to confide, or when circumstance dictated him to confide. This seemed less and less often.

 

It wasn't that Milphey expected a day-to-day update on how Marron was getting on with things, but especially that he'd been silent before and since Gateau had said the things he had over that game of draughts... those sorts of things that only highlighted the things that it turned out he couldn't know. Things happening between the Glacé brothers...? Carrot's somewhat callous treatment of Marron. Carrot's annoying throwaway comments that would send Marron on very serious trains of thought...

 

It seemed amazing that Carrot would even have the audacity to suggest something like 'choose between Gateau and Milphey' to Marron, especially since surely it was obvious to anybody who knew him that Marron would...! If he wouldn't, he'd certainly deliberate over it enough. That Carrot would suggest such a thing that obviously affected Marron so greatly and that Marron hadn't raised the subject with Milphey at all worried him slightly. For such a choice, surely Marron would wish to talk about that? Talk about it and consider it.

 

The most sensible thought would have been to stick to his original feelings. He had feelings for one person, this didn't mean that he was required to compromise and take on somebody else. Nevermind what Carrot said about 'normal' relationships, truth and sincerity were important things.

 

That said, 'sensible' didn't seem an emotion much felt in Eden of late. If Marron was going to give in to Carrot's suggestions, then that dragged Milphey in without much choice. Not that he minded. If Carrot was somehow going to trust his little brother to Milphey's care, well, that couldn't be argued with, could it? Perhaps Marron could be tamed slightly. To expect his feelings for Carrot to wane or change was something difficult, but perhaps his feelings could be eased and his apparent pain soothed somewhat. If he needed the warmth of another person, Milphey was only too happy to provide.

 

Right at that moment would have been nice.

 

The more sobering thought was of the other supposed contender, of Gateau; not that Milphey was altogether confident that Gateau would accept such attention in the first place (especially after what he'd said in that last conversation), but for Marron to consider it... Milphey only knew fragments of how the relationship between those two had been, but knew it to be turbulent at best. Gateau wasn't somebody Marron was willing to trust, Marron was somebody who seemed to now irritate Gateau at the best of times...

 

Surely Marron wouldn't seriously consider him...?

 

Perhaps the silence meant that Marron was sensibly considering the first thought. That, out of Gateau and Milphey, he'd prefer neither. Perhaps he would be able to say something to Carrot. Perhaps something or other would happen, but... just as long as Marron didn't do anything that he'd come to regret...

 

Milphey fell back against the bed, laid flat-out upon it. It was alright to think such things, but to actually get out of bed and spend some of the energy that would be required for finding Marron then carefully guiding his way around a conversation before he discovered the things that he wanted to know... Milphey closed his eyes. For the time being, that seemed far too much like hard work. There were other things to think about and other things to be felt; sometimes it could be comforting to think about things that had happened in the past, things that had little immediate bearing on the future... when the present and the future seemed so frantic, restful memories of a peaceful past were soothing. Taking a deep breath, Milphey conjured up an image in his mind. That boy, tanned and unchanged, his smile still as genuine and warm as it had ever been, as it would always be imprinted in Milphey's memory...

 

If the nostalgia could be contained without that painful edge cutting through the memories, then it was a nice enough pastime, Milphey felt. Forget about how he disappeared, forget about time spent since him. Sometimes you just wanted to indulge in past memories.

 

Other people awake in Eden at that moment might have wished to escape their past memories. As it was, Gateau had taken to the weights he kept on the floor in his and Eclair's bedroom; annoying thoughts were pervading his mind, perhaps a little training could help him concentrate on more immediate things. It was early in the morning, he hadn't been awake for long, Eclair was just taking a bath... it seemed that they had no mission for that day and it would have been so incredibly easy to have stayed in bed and just thought about things.

 

Pointless things, Gateau told himself.

 

He held a weight in his right hand, flexing it back and forth in some silent rhythm. Up, down. Up, down. Up, down. If he let himself lapse in concentration, he could hear the vague splishing and splashing of Eclair in the adjoining bathroom. Occasionally there'd be a louder splash and a little squeal of joy, and even in the midst of those troubled thoughts, Gateau would find himself smiling at Eclair's antics.

 

Perhaps it was better to keep an ear out for her and concentrate on better things. Hear Eclair's joy, be thankful for whatever opportunities had made it so she could be in the bathroom opposite in the first place, think about the training or the shopping trips that could be undertaken later... Eclair had the sort of genuine smile that could make any situation lighter. Even if she didn't know of the things troubling Gateau, perhaps her energetic nature could help dispel the anger for a while... a few hours, an afternoon, an evening... even just for a few minutes would have been nice.

 

The anger...

 

Indeed, it was anger. A different kind of anger to what Gateau usually experienced, but there was no mistaking that particular emotion. Anger and frustration, never a pleasant mix.

 

Usually, anger could be alleviated. Usually it was a Sorcerer who caused the anger in the first place; Carrot could sometimes cause mild (or not-so-mild) irritation, but when it came to things, Gateau usually found himself generally easygoing outside of the field of battle. So depraved Sorcerers did things that made him angry? Well, there was a use in that. Anger could do funny things in the midst of battle, you didn't have to show a polite face to those you were angry with during those times. If a Sorcerer was doing something that made you angry, you could kill them. Not that killing them brought back the lives that had been lost at their hand, but there was something satisfying about being able to vanquish that evil from the world, being able to punch a Sorcerer in that certain way that let you grab their heart and feel it still beating while they try to work out what the hell's going on, being able to deliver a cool final line before going squish... and of course, it wasn't going to be a nice peaceful death, was it? Having some guy reach into your chest and grab your vital organs around... maybe there were worse and more painful ways for them to die, but when you only had a split-second decision of 'kill' or 'not kill', then in that circumstance 'kill' was usually the better one to choose.

 

Things like that were so clear-cut, and that kind of thing pleased Gateau. Somebody was doing something wrong, so you did something to make it all right again. Simple.

 

It was a very different (and much more alien) situation when the person who was making you genuinely angry was somebody who you saw every day, somebody who lived in the same building as you, somebody who until very recently you'd thought near enough the world of; Gateau had been quite proud of how restrained he'd managed to be in the past little while. Honestly being able to give Marron the space he apparently needed, managing to keep away from him in that way, and Marron hadn't tried anything either... alright, there was something a little distant about any interaction after that and that bothered Gateau somewhat, but to be fair, it wasn't as if their conversation hadn't been near-distant at best even in the past; it was possibly the knowledge of what wasn't distant that made that annoying, but then again, when hadn't Marron been distant... it seemed that those instances could be counted on the fingers of one hand, times when Marron had spoken in that context and Gateau had felt he'd really known what Marron had been saying, feeling and trying to imply...

 

This was not a clear-cut situation. Gateau found himself angry and he wasn't entirely sure why, found himself frustrated because of that. Because there didn't seem to be anything that could be done about the situation. If it was an errant Sorcerer, then he could just be killed and the world would be without that evil. Marron... Marron wasn't evil, that was fairly obvious. Subversive perhaps, but not evil. Yet he was capable of causing emotions far more intense than the Sorcerers did. How was that? Why was that? What specifically had it been that he'd done that'd caused such feeling? Marron wasn't evil and most certainly couldn't be killed. Even in that circumstance, Gateau was quite sure that he didn't want to kill Marron; that was somewhat extreme and Gateau knew that that wouldn't solve anything.

 

Even if Marron was killed, that wouldn't draw an apology from those annoyingly soft lips.

 

Was that all it would take, an apology? Gateau held the weight in his hand up a few seconds longer with each repetitive movement, let his muscles strain just vaguely. Perhaps he needed a heavier weight... well, this one would do just for the time being. He continued.

 

An apology...? Well, if anything, that would be a start. For Marron to admit that he was in the wrong would wash away a large portion of the bitter feelings Gateau felt... he'd almost managed to reach some kind of personal acceptance of what had happened inside himself; things had happened with Marron, they hadn't worked out. At the very basic level, that could be accepted. As for how things hadn't worked out... well, things had been a bit intense and a bit strange, but... well, sometimes people just were strange, and there could have been any amount of reasons why Marron had been strange. A complex to control? Possible. Uncomfortable with the situation? Also possible. Not ready for such things but wanting to push himself into them for a reason as yet unspecified? Or that.

 

If Marron could have honestly given any of those as reasons, then Gateau could have accepted it. If he could have said that he wasn't in a decent frame of mind - and surely he hadn't been - and that such things had been more than he felt he could control, well, Gateau felt he could understand that. Sometimes with relationships you did end up doing things that you might not have done, sometimes you ended up doing things you regretted somewhat... still, any situation was an experience you could learn from, and even if you ended up doing something you regretted in one way, you'd at least treasure the experience in another for lending you the knowledge of how you didn't want to behave, how you didn't want to treat people, anything like that. You learnt from experience and hopefully, you'd learn from your mistakes as well.

 

That, of course, all depended on quite what you defined as being a mistake.

 

If Marron could have said those things, "I didn't mean to act like that", "I didn't wish to treat you that way", then Gateau could have accepted it. Things done in a lapse of judgement, if it was honestly a mistake then Marron couldn't be blamed. Strictly speaking, wasn't he as much to blame as far as that went as Marron was? Marron had made to do such things, but Gateau hadn't specifically tried to stop them...

 

To really think of that was to realise that eventuality impossible, though. He'd tried to stop Marron as far as he'd been able, tried to stop his strange behaviour and cause more natural things... such things had never worked, but Gateau felt it couldn't be said that he'd never tried.

 

As far as Gateau was concerned, relationships were not complex things, or at least, he didn't like to think of them as being such. How complicated did they need to be? Either you liked somebody or you didn't, either you wanted to be with a person or you didn't... if you liked somebody and wanted to be with them and they liked you and wanted to be with you in return, then where was the problem? If feelings could indeed be so simple, then why couldn't the relationship be so simple in return?

 

Of course, Marron had always shown mixed signals when it had come to just what exactly it was that he felt for Gateau. He'd never been under any pretence of loving Gateau, Gateau felt he had to give Marron credit for that. He'd never tried to pretend feeling and he had always been specific with his needs, which was arguably a clear-cut way of behaving... but then the reasons behind that behaviour, the motivations... those were the elements that made everything, Gateau felt, needlessly complex. Either you wanted to be with somebody or you didn't. Marron fairly obviously didn't want to be with Gateau, so... what had it been that had kept them together? Marron's need for some other person? Surely you couldn't enter into a relationship where you were so blatant about the other person being used... yet, Marron had never said anything to the contrary. The person he loved, the person he wanted... that had always been a curiosity and something Marron hadn't been willing to elaborate on, but always an active element in the relationship. Gateau had, at the time, thought it okay somehow. So Marron wanted to enter into some kind of sexual relationship? Fine, that was better than nothing.

 

A relationship based only on sex would perhaps have been more fulfilling had they actually managed to have sex, of course. That was a frustration in itself, knowing that somehow he hadn't been enough for Marron, hadn't been what Marron wanted, hadn't been what Marron needed yet somehow Marron would always say such seductive things and act so damned tempting and it would seem as if he wanted that kind of thing so terribly, so just what had it been that had prevented him from doing anything!? Gateau couldn't think of how or why he'd failed Marron. Anything would have felt easier if Marron had just explained it; if he hadn't found Gateau attractive, if he didn't want him in that way, if he didn't feel comfortable, if he didn't want that sort of relationship... but then, all the things he'd ever said had suggested that he did, and therefore was confusing.

 

If he had wanted that, had wanted to do those things, had found Gateau attractive enough to want to be close... just what had it been preventing him?

 

That person.

 

Who was that person?

 

The more Gateau thought about it the more he was sure, and the surer he became the more he felt angry that the only thing denying his thoughts was denial itself. Such a train of thought brought up such certain images that surely it couldn't be anything else, but then that thing in itself seemed so strange that surely it wasn't... but if that was strange, then Marron was also strange. What was normal, anyway? Those images wouldn't rid themselves from Gateau's mind.

 

Marron gently holding the sleeping Carrot in his lap. Marron's cries at being tickled. The certainty of rejection he'd professed. The need to be held down and taken. The need. The way just anything Carrot said would affect him. The sexual, the trusting... the love... the things Carrot would say that Marron would consider, the honest look of emptiness in Marron's eyes when considering such things...

 

How much of Marron's distance had been caused by Carrot pushing him away?

 

No, but no. It couldn't be Carrot.

 

Wouldn't be Carrot.

 

Why not? Milphey had said as much and even Carrot himself had his suspicions.

 

Just because something was popular opinion didn't make it right.

 

Marron wasn't really denying any of it, though.

 

Did anybody ever ask him?

 

Did anybody dare ask him?

 

Marron was strange and acted in strange ways, did and said things that Gateau could never bring himself to understand. Why did Marron act in such annoying ways? Why couldn't he just act normally?

 

Having an overbearing need to screw your brother would certainly fuck things up, Gateau thought bitterly. But no, it couldn't be that... and even as he thought that, he wondered why it couldn't. The more and more he thought about it, the more obvious it seemed. The thought that people just didn't feel that way about their blood relatives only seemed to add to the theory - presumably as much as he knew that, Marron did also... knew that and yet felt anyway. Then Carrot wanting Marron to have normal relationships...

 

That raised the question, if Marron did have these strange feelings, then just how much of them was Carrot aware of? Gateau could see Marron in his mind, that empty look, that lost voice, "... I had an irrational urge to feel his embrace... yet he refused me... why would he refuse...?... Quite what was better about refusing?..."

 

"If... there was... a kiss... between you and Eclair... how would you react...?"

 

Whilst memories were bringing themselves to the surface, that one particular question pricked Gateau's interest and hit him suddenly with enough realization to cause him to drop the weight he'd been flexing; it fell to the floor with a loud metallic sound, loud enough to snap Gateau out of his thoughts and even to surprise Eclair next door.

 

"Oniichaaan?"

 

"Uh, ah, Eclair?"

 

"What was that noise?"

 

"Oh, I just dropped a weight... s'nothin'..."

 

"Well, be careful! You don't want to drop something like that on your foot, that'd hurt!"

 

"I know, I know..."

 

Eclair resumed her splashing and Gateau stared at the weight on the floor. The thought of picking it up seemed a little too much for that moment, compared to other thoughts. He'd never really thought of that before, but he remembered Marron saying it... remembered Marron saying it and remembered passing it off as something platonic; after all, siblings hugging and kissing, or at least talking about things like that? Marron had used Eclair as a comparison, so of course Gateau's thought's hadn't deviated... but if Marron's thoughts had been that degree more deviant - thinking along those lines, how much did even a hug entail? Quite what was it that Carrot had rejected? Marron had said that he'd spoken to that person. Then came everything with Carrot. Surely if only by that logic alone, it seemed sensible (in some kind of way) that Carrot was that person...?

 

The anger didn't diminish. Marron had felt no regret at all for how he'd treated Gateau. No remorse. How could you so entirely wish to use somebody and not feel bad about it at all!? Just an apology would have eased Gateau's anger just slightly and perhaps enough to let it eventually fade into memory, but that he would so easily say such things and with such certainty... no regret. How lovely for him.

 

The thought that Marron would use him so shamelessly for the benefit of dreaming of somebody else was annoying, the thought that there was any possibility at all that that person would be Carrot was even worse. Alright if there was somebody else, that was never pleasant, but... to know that, out of every person on the Continent, Gateau had theoretically been pitted up against somebody who had only been with Marron for all of his life, somebody who Marron did everything because and for, somebody who Marron thought so highly of... any competition was surely lost before it'd even started, and surely that was unfair? Nobody said such dealings were fair, but then... then if Marron did have such feelings, then what was the point in going after other people in the first place? How things had been between him and Marron, however it'd been that Marron had been with Milphey... what was the point? Why?

 

Carrot would never accept such things.

 

Was that why...? To think of it like that certainly gave theory to a lot of Marron's sexual behaviour. To force oneself into doing something because the alternative was hopeless... to force oneself into a relationship because they knew the alternative was deviant...

 

To think that he would have lost against Carrot was something of a blow against Gateau's ego, not least because this wasn't the first time that that had happened. The first time had been more understanding, but even so... too many people seemed to treasure Carrot for reasons Gateau couldn't fathom. It wasn't that he hated Carrot or anything, he begrudgingly held Carrot quite high in his respect, but did he really deserve all the attention he got? The Misu sisters were always after him for one reason or another, Milphey squealed on about how cuuute Carrot was, Marron was... well, Marron was a force of obsession unto himself...

 

Gateau couldn't concentrate on his weights anymore, didn't trust himself not to drop them and worry Eclair again. Pulling on some more substantial items of clothing, Gateau quietly left the bedroom.

 

Further down the corridor, Carrot had been sat in his bedroom reading a book. Another one that Chocolat had lent him. It wasn't that the book wasn't interesting or as if it was too hard too read, but somehow it had ended up pages-down against the bedside cabinet, holding Carrot's place for when he should return to it. He'd been sitting on the bed, his sheets were still rumpled somewhat from where he'd been half-snuggled up on this not-too-warm day... currently though, he was stood next to the window, staring out of it blankly. There wasn't a lot to look at... some trees, the sky... surely it would have felt better to sit in bed for longer? Well, Carrot had felt the need to stretch his legs a little. Carrot had been leaning idly against the windowsill when he heard the door open.

 

"Hey Marron, you forget something?"

 

Carrot had spoken without turning around. Gateau closed the door behind him, "I'm not Marron."

 

"Huh?"

 

Turning around at that point, Carrot indeed found himself presented with Gateau rather than Marron. He smiled, "Oh, hey Gateau! You wanted something?"

 

Gateau found himself momentarily stumped. He'd wanted something? Well... figuring that his thoughts would only continue to get more and more annoying if he sat and considered them so deeply, Gateau had wondered if it'd be better to confront Carrot about some of the things he'd been thinking about. To actually be stood there in front of Carrot, though... Carrot himself looked genuinely pleased to see Gateau, smiling, relaxed... that was the person that Marron wanted? It seemed strange to think, standing there like that. Then to ask some of the things Gateau had wanted to ask...

 

With a shrug, Gateau went and sat himself down on the end of Carrot's bed.

 

"Not really. Thought I'd come say 'hi'."

 

Carrot frowned momentarily, "Oh, okay. Nothing else to do, huh?"

 

"Not really."

 

Turning back to look out of the window, Carrot sighed loftily.

 

"Not a nice day today, is it?"

 

"It's not, no..."

 

"I guess that's gotta be expected, it is getting colder these days... I bet it's not gonna be that long before we start seeing snow! But, that's always fun. Snowball fights and stuff. Oh man, I remember that time... was it last year or the year before that? That time when it snowed really heavily and you thought it'd be a laugh to try and get Marron into a snowball fight so you threw a snowball at him. Didn't he get real pissed off for that?"

 

"Probably."

 

"Haha, yeah... still though, I think it was worth it just to see the look on his face! Just walking out there then suddenly 'womph', snowball to the face. Him just standing there blinking with bits of snow in his hair, that was hilarious! Well, he didn't think it was that funny, but... well, we sure did. I bet he'd play a mean snowball game if we could persuade him into it. Though I guess he probably has bad memories of all the times we threw snowballs at him when we were kids... well, back then it was more me and Chocolat versus me and Tira. She doesn't like snowball fights much either, does she? Not only that, but she always used to keep falling over into the snow... oh, then there was that year Monbran thought it'd be a laugh to push her over... and Marron too, come to think of it. Then he'd make a big production of saving Marron from the snow... little prick."

 

Gateau didn't have a whole lot to say to that; Carrot could ramble on for a while if that was what he felt like.

 

"But yeah... if it's gonna snow, I wish it'd just snow already. Why we gotta put up with autumn in the middle of summer and winter? If it could be really hot and sunny then suddenly change to snow and stuff, I wouldn't mind that. Autumn's okay when it's nice, the trees changing colour and the warm days and stuff, but when it's just dull and stuff like this... well, that's pretty annoying. Though I guess you get dull days no matter what time of year, huh? Dull days in winter when it doesn't snow and it's just cold... dull days in spring waiting for it to get out of winter... dull days in summer when you get thunderstorms and clouds and stuff... though when that happens it's not really dull, y'know what I mean? There's something in the air, it isn't dullness... people always say it's a bit oppressive when there's a thunderstorm, don't they? I guess that's kinda what they mean. That sort of feeling that something's gonna happen. I'm not too keen on thunderstorms, 'specially not being caught out in them! I don't like it if they're right over us, too. I mean, don't they tend to go for high things? Lightning bolts, I mean. Like when they say 'don't stand under trees' and stuff... isn't that for thunderstorms? I might be thinking of something else. But I mean, c'mon, high things are dangerous and here we are at the main Stella Church of the Continent and we've got a freakin' spire pointing way higher up than any tree! Surprised the thing hasn't set on fire yet, though I guess it's some magical Big Mama thing. Maybe she has some control over the weather? I mean, she's able to protect this place from attack and stuff, isn't she? So I guess she can stop this place getting baked in a thunderstorm. Still don't like them, though. I remember one time I couldn't sleep during a thunderstorm so I went to take a walk and I was looking out one of those windows down along the corridor, one of those ones where you can see the city, and I could see lightening bolts and they were so totally hitting things down there! I think there was a fire? 'Course, it was raining too so I guess that helped, but jeesh... summer thunderstorms are worse though, when it's all warm and hot and then you get this oppressive thing, not even with rain sometimes... and if lightning's gonna strike then then surely it's gonna set something on fire, huh?... Uh... but yeah... um... storms, huh..."

 

Seeming to realise that he was babbling somewhat, Carrot trailed off, glancing down at his hands before turning back to face Gateau. He leant against the window and folded his arms, smiling again.

 

"So! What have you been up to so far today, huh?"

 

"Oh... not a lot. Did some weightlifting... thought about some stuff..."

 

"Yeah well, it's one of those days where we don't have to do a whole lot, isn't it? I've just been reading, really. Wanted to sleep in, but when Marron went out earlier, couldn't help hearing him move around and stuff, ended up waking me up and I couldn't really get back to sleep after that... kinda annoying but I guess I'll go to sleep early tonight or something, probably. Better to get lotsa sleep if we're gonna be having a mission tomorrow, huh? I mean, not like she's said we will or anything, but if we're gonna..."

 

"I wonder if she's got any more word on those Sorcerers we fought last..."

 

"Yeah, I wonder? Hopefully she'll get some soon, I'd really rather we made sure they were totally defeated if they're gonna be doing weird things! And I mean, we need to get them back for how much they hurt Tira, that was pretty uncalled for..."

 

"Mmm... oh yeah, how is Tira now?"

 

Carrot smiled, "She seems better. I went to see her after Marron went, she's a bit tired and stuff but I guess that's 'cause I went to see her right after she woke up. She seemed happy enough anyway, so I guess we just gotta wait for the bruises to heal, and if we're not going anywhere today then that should be the most of it. I wonder if Marron's okay? I know he hurt his foot or something, but he didn't really say much about it... probably doesn't want anybody to worry though, I guess. If it's only a small injury then he can cope with it, he's strong like that."

 

Gateau remembered Marron's slight hisses of pain the night before on moving his ankle, but thought it best not to say anything to Carrot, or at least, not just yet. To say that would raise the question of just why he'd seen Marron the night previous anyway... well, there was a legitimate reason, no reason to keep such a thing quiet, but then again, Marron had acted so strangely...

 

Marron always acted strangely, though. That seemed to be part of his personality.

 

"Yeah..."

 

"I guess if we get hurt it's just gonna make us more determined to get revenge on those Sorcerers though, so it's all good in the end. Didn't need to go that far with Tira though, hrmph..."

 

"I know what you mean..."

 

Another smile, "So how are you, huh? You seem kinda quiet today. Something up? Any problems? Something bad happen? Just feeling crappy? I have days like that, I just wake up and can't be bothered for anything... then I think about all the pretty girls in the city just waiting for me and that usually cheers me up. Then Tira and Chocolat get pissy with me, but-"

 

"Carrot, did you kiss Marron?"

 

Gateau didn't wait for Carrot to stop talking, but as it was, once he'd spoken Carrot did so quite abruptly. That sudden wide-eyed stop was telling in itself. It could have been the shock of such an accusation (which was an understandable reaction) or the reaction of a guilty conscience... Gateau reminded himself that he had little evidence yet as to which it was. He stared at Carrot, a level stare; his expression had changed so suddenly and he certainly didn't seem to be about to go off into any hyper little monologue about the weather all of a sudden. He'd seemed to freeze in the pose he'd been standing in just before he'd meant to complain about Tira and Chocolat... Carrot realised this, realised Gateau's stare... he stood up with a self-conscious little cough, correcting his posture. He leant back against the window with a slightly wary frown, his arms tightly folded. Everything about him suddenly seemed to suggest that he was on the defensive...

 

"... Why would you ask something weird like that...?"

 

A shrug, "Might not have been askin' something weird... coulda meant on the forehead or something, couldn't I?"

 

"Don't talk to me like I'm stupid, you don't ask something like that if it's just gonna be something innocent."

 

Carrot's stare was quite serious. Gateau closed his eyes with another shrug, "Nah, I was just thinking about some things that Marron was saying..."

"What's he been saying?!"

 

Gateau opened his eyes, that had been quite sudden. Again, a sign of a guilty conscience...? There was something going on, surely.

 

"Oh, not a lot... this and that..."

 

"Don't dodge the subject, what has Marron been talking about?"

 

"A lot I would figure you'd know about..."

 

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

 

"Marron should be trying to have a healthy relationship with me or Milphey, huh? Healthy compared to what, I wonder. I mean, come on, Carrot... you saw as much as anybody how stuff was between Marron and me back when we were together, you can't look me in the eye and tell me that that was healthy. Marron was acting like a little fruit and I couldn't make sense of him... are things different now so that I'm gonna be able to make sense of him?"

Carrot didn't say anything to that, pointedly staring away from Gateau with a somewhat angry glare. Maybe he'd suggested those sorts of things to Marron but he hadn't wanted him so blatantly telling people that...! You couldn't get with somebody if you walked up to them and actually said 'my brother thought...', could you?!... Carrot's mind was racing, he couldn't think of what to say.

 

"Look, I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean for him to say stuff like that right out..."

 

"Like you had any right to be saying stuff like that in the first place."

 

A silence as Carrot walked from where he'd been standing by the windowsill over to the middle of the room. Gateau wondered if he'd say something then but he didn't, so filled the silence himself.

 

"Carrot, you of all people should know how much Marron listens to whatever crap you pull-"

 

"You don't think I don't already know?! If you're so damned up for it, then you tell me what the fuck I should have done, okay!? What's your big answer to it, then?!"

 

Carrot's outburst was slightly unexpected. This ended with Carrot staring at Gateau as if he was actually expecting an answer to his frantic questions - however, as far as that went, Gateau felt he didn't even know what the question was to be able to answer it, let alone come up with something sensible... his brow twitched, he sighed.

 

"I can't answer something if I don't know the question. Look, Carrot... just tell me. Why'd you give Marron a choice like that in the first place? You can't just suggest stuff like that. If anything, wouldn't it have been better to like, have asked me or Milphey in the first place?"

 

"... I..."

 

"Mm?"

 

Carrot seemed to deflate somewhat, "... I... I just want him to be normal, Gateau..."

 

"Normal compared to what? Surely even you shoulda figured out by now that there isn't really such thing as 'normal'..."

 

This was true, but the implication was as heavy on Carrot as it was on Gateau. Surely Carrot had also had those thoughts? Those suspicions? His current actions would only confirm this, but what quite had those thoughts turned into to have such an effect...? Carrot was stood in the middle of the room holding his forehead between his thumb and middle finger as if he had some strong headache all of a sudden. His eyes were closed. What kinds of things was Carrot thinking about...? He'd said that line about wanting Marron to be normal with such a kind of... almost desperation, Gateau had thought. What kind of desperation caused that kind of wish? What kind of desperation would make him want to push his impressionable little brother onto outside forces, one of whom had already been proven to not be up for the task?... Carrot didn't move as he spoke.

 

"What has Marron been saying to you, Gateau? Just so I know."

 

"Not a whole lot, you know what he's like. Just got thinkin' on some stuff he'd said that time me and him had to go on a mission together, remember? He was all quiet for all of that. Said about how you wouldn't hug him 'n stuff. Kept being all comparing, 'what if Eclair wanted to hug you' and stuff. Then pretty much 'what if Eclair kissed you' or so... then he got real quiet, didn't say anything after that. Seemed pretty depressed about something or other, though... said about you wanting him to have normal relationships. Saw him last night, too... seems pretty convinced he's a bad sorta person and seemed to want me to help him, though since you obviously want us in a relationship I dunno how far I can go with something like that. As I said, just this and that."

 

"God..."

 

"Don't think he's got much to do with it."

 

"Honestly, Gateau. Tell me what you think I should do."

 

"I can't really answer something like that. Tell you what I think you should do about what?"

 

Carrot quickly pulled his hand away from his face, "About Marron! If he's all depressed, saying stuff like that... saying things like that... I... I can't do anything! Every damned thing I do has to be picked apart and stuff because it's him - you already said yourself about how much he listens to me! It's not just that, it's... it's everything... I mean... getting strong, learning magic, 'I want to be strong like my brother'... he went off and studied magic for... for..." Carrot counted on his fingers, "... for like almost seven years so he could be all strong and stuff. I said it should be so he could protect himself. Dude, can he protect himself, but why did he want to protect himself in the first place?! 'Cause I said so. Then, what does he use that for? To protect me, 'cause I'm obviously no longer able to do that myself. It's not just stuff like that."

 

Gateau just looked at Carrot, willing him to carry on.

 

"If I say 'I'm cold', he brings blankets. If I say 'I fancy a shower' he'll run a bath for me. If I say 'I'm ill' he'll stay by my side unless he needs to bring me medicines and things. If I say 'I don't like this' he'll try to eradicate all traces of it from my life. If I say 'I like this' he'll bring me as much as he can. Gateau, he does everything for me except the things that involve him... then he just starts getting weird..."

 

"Tell me about it. No wait, I already know."

 

"I just-... how the hell am I supposed to cope?! I can't go thinking off every single possible outcome for every damn thing that comes out of my mouth...! I can't... I can't... I can't be so responsible for him... he takes everything so seriously, does things so quietly... I can't be a good example for him but he tries to make me his role model anyway, I don't do good things but still he looks up to me, compared to him I'm nothing special but still he makes me the damned centre of his life! There is nothing I can do that ends up right for him. Every time I do something stupid he still supports me and comforts me, part of me loves that but even more these days it's like... like... why!? Then he says things like 'you're the only person I love' and I'm like, dude, fuck, what the hell else am I supposed to say!? I dunno how much I thought saying it through but what else was there? You or Milphey, who else? I know it's not a good idea to try to force somebody into a relationship, I know, I know, but... he... he needs to... not... think about me so much... I think..."

 

Put like that, jumbled though his words might have been, Carrot's sentiment was quite clear, and Gateau understood just what at least Carrot's problems were. To be Marron's role model was a massive responsibility, and it was never as if Carrot had willingly accepted that position in the first place, it just sort of came with the relation... it was easy enough to think angrily of Carrot for saying things without thinking, but he did have a point - what else could he say? Something else occurred to Gateau.

 

"Wait, he... said that... about the love thing...?"

 

"Something along those lines, I was too kooked out to really remember. It was... a pretty weird situation."

 

That whole mission and trip to the hot springs had more or less been spent wondering just what the hell had happened between the Glacé brothers, Carrot's ambiguous statements were only further feeding Gateau's curiosity.

 

"Carrot, what happened between you two? I mean... for Marron to end up so numbed about it all, for you to be spouting sudden lines..."

 

There was silence for a few moments, as if Carrot was trying to work out how exactly to word the things he wanted to say. Sighing, he walked over to Marron's bed and sat at the end of it, sitting across from Gateau. He shrugged, "It was a while ago, kinda... Marron had to see one of the Haz Knights, Milphey was saying stuff that was a bit scary... stuff about stress and things, saying that Marron was stressing himself out enough to be in danger of, y'know, bad things... overworking himself kinda... remember that time when we were gonna go on a mission and Milphey appeared with Marron and Marron was unconscious? Like that. And I was all pretty worried and stuff, so I was trying to talk to Marron, 'cause y'know, if there's something wrong, isn't it better to talk about it and stuff? Milphey said Marron had problems with lust and obsession and love and stuff, so I tried to get him to talk about it, ask him what was up... he didn't say much though. Said he hadn't had an orgasm in months though, even with you-"

 

"Hmph."

 

"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to... but yeah, he said that, then he was saying stuff about... well, we were saying about things like that, then he got kinda... all huggy, kinda. I remember that. That was a bit weird. Then I said something weird that I didn't mean to say and then it was all silent and it was like, dude, what if he does want me like that... so I was kinda like... trying to get Marron to say who it was he liked, saying that there was no reason why it would be me but he wouldn't say anything... I wanted him to say something, wanted him to say anything to say that it wasn't that at all and that we'd all got it wrong and maybe we could laugh about it afterwards, but he just looked so lost and quiet and it was like, oh god... is it that... it really is? Or would he just not say if it was or wasn't 'cause it was me? I still don't get that, but that was when I asked if he loved me, and that was when he said... what he said... and that was when we were... like..."

 

"Like?"

 

Carrot scratched his neck, "... a bit close. Cause like... I didn't want him to escape or anything, so like... I... kinda had him pinned to the bed, I think... but it was like... I didn't mean it anything like that, I just didn't want him to escape! I mean, you know as much as I do how well he manages to dodge situations and conversations and things... I just wanted to get a straight answer from him..."

 

"And did you?"

 

"Doesn't feel like I did."

 

"How much more of an answer do you want than 'I love you', I'd say that says a lot in itself..."

 

"Yeah, but of course he's gonna say that! I'd be more shocked if he didn't say he loved me, but that still doesn't explain how or why or what it is that's stressing him out or why he's so depressed or whatever or why he can't have orgasms or anything...! I mean, how the hell is all that related!? I never said to him 'don't have orgasms' or 'don't think about sex' or 'sex is bad' or anything, that can't be blamed on me...! I keep saying to him that it's okay to think about sex and stuff, but... but... I don't get it, he's not telling me anything and the more I try to ask him stuff the less he seems to tell me..."

 

The two of them fell into a reflective sort of silence. Carrot's confusion was warranted - with the amount of exposition Marron was willing to give on anything, the reasons for all of those things could have been related or not, Carrot and Gateau had no idea. For even Haz Knights to be involved, it had to be something serious... Carrot sighed then glanced across at Gateau.

 

"Look, I'm sorry for saying that maybe Marron should go for you again, or something. I know it was pretty bad last time and I'm not actually expecting anything to come of it this time if you don't want anything to happen, but... y'know... if you can help him... if he can concentrate on somebody else for long enough to realise that I'm not actually the be-all and end-all of the world... I don't want to try and seem manipulating or anything, but you said it and Milphey said it too, I tend to influence Marron whether I mean to or not. So like... shouldn't I try to influence him into doing things that are better for him? If he listens to me, then... then... I've got to tell him, y'know? I don't want to say anything sudden or harsh to him, I don't want to upset him... but... Gateau, he... he's my little brother... and if I've somehow managed to do bad things to him and upset him so much without even realising it... then... then I... I don't know. I want to make up for the bad things I've done but that's difficult when I don't even know what they are... I want to make him feel better and make him feel happy but I don't know how to do that if I don't know what's making him feel bad in the first place. So... I... if he manages to focus on somebody else... if maybe he can get involved in a relationship... if he can talk to somebody and talk about the things that are a problem, then maybe we can all work something out and make him better. You see what I'm saying?"

 

For a moment, Gateau felt genuinely moved by the emotion in Carrot's voice. More than anything else, he really did want what was best for Marron, didn't he? Even if he didn't know what that was, or how to achieve it... that, Gateau felt, was quite admirable. His look softened, "You... really love him, don't you?"

 

Carrot looked away, seeming slightly embarrassed, "Of course I do, what kind of question is that..."

 

"Any reason why you can't try to find out what's up with him, then...?"

 

"Not like I've not already tried. I just... think that... if... if I'm the problem, then... then maybe I'm just not going to be able to find out what the problem is... if it's me, then... maybe I'm too close to see? I don't know how much I can trust myself to ask Marron stuff like that, and... I don't know how much I can trust Marron to answer stuff like that either. I don't know how much he's going to say just the things he might think I'd want to hear..."

 

"I thought he couldn't lie..."

 

"No, but he can conceal the truth pretty damned well. It's fairly obvious that he's hiding stuff, but if he doesn't want to reveal what that is to me, then... then that can't be helped, can it? I don't know how he works... all these years and I still have no idea how he works."

 

Carrot attempted a slight smile, "I'm really not a good big brother, am I?"

 

"Hey, don't put yourself down like that. I don't think you're at fault... I don't think you can really blame anybody. I mean, with someone like Marron... I think it's hard enough anyway. I dunno if I'd manage to cope being you."

 

"Well, maybe you'll have to go through all this one day with Eclair..."

 

"Don't say something like that!"

 

They couldn't help laughing despite themselves; the possibility was there, but the reality of Eclair's happy self was too present in their minds. Comparing Eclair to Marron wasn't really an applicable consideration to make.

 

Carrot was the first to quieten, "So... if things can carry on as they are, then... then I think it'll be okay. Just, I don't want anything bad happening to Marron... don't want him to stress himself out too much, don't want anything bad bad to happen to him... Gateau, he was even asking me stuff like 'what would you do if I died' and stuff... what am I supposed to say to that?"

 

"He said something like that?!... What did you say to that?"

 

"Well, I said I'd be really really sad 'cause like, y'know, I would, but... why come out with something like that in the first place? I mean, I don't think he'd... y'know... do anything drastic, but... well, y'know, I'm gonna worry about him no matter what he says, even more if he says stuff like that...!"

 

"Mmmn, I don't blame you... then him last night, saying he wanted me to help him and stuff..."

 

They glanced at each other. Carrot frowned.

 

"Any idea where Marron is right now?"

 

"Thinking we should go find him?"

 

"Y-yeah."

 

Gateau nodded in agreement, "So was I. C'mon, let's go."

 

****

 

The morning had been dull to wake up to and dull to continue on with.

 

A day with little to do... well, there was always something to do for the mind that wanted to remain active. Carrot had been asleep when Marron had woken up so he'd tried not to disturb him, had supposed that perhaps some meditation or magic study would be the best thing to continue on with... he'd gathered his things and gone to his study. The cat had needed feeding. He'd fed him, then let him out. Not too much time went by before Marron heard doors opening and closing... heard somebody along the corridor... heard that person go into the Misu sisters' bedroom. Heard Carrot's voice. It was too early in the morning to consider any kinds of hateful things, no matter how bad (or not) Tira's injuries were; the polite thing might have been to have gone to see her himself, but there was always the excuse that he didn't know if she was awake or not, and... that was quite clearly an excuse, Carrot had had no problem just walking in there. Well, surely she'd appreciate that...

 

Deciding that those thoughts should stop there, Marron decided to leave the study. He knew he wouldn't be able to concentrate on his meditation or study if he remained there, able to hear the muted conversations taking place two walls and a corridor away from him... perhaps outside was a better thought. It would be colder, but... the time of year itself decreed such a thing, the cold would give him something else to concentrate on other than the uneasy things.

 

Marron walked slowly down the corridor, listening to the sound of his feet against the floor. Not as loud as somebody who would wear shoes or boots, but unmistakably there was a sound whenever his feet happened to hit the ground... that sound was disturbed by the sound of laughing coming from that room close to the opposite end of the corridor. Marron hurried his pace and descended the stairs leading to the Great Hall with little ceremony.

 

Usually, Big Mama would be sitting at the end of the Great Hall, but today she wasn't and even the main doors of the church were closed. Presumably there was something else that she was taking care of... perhaps tracking down the Sorcerers from before? That or playing checkers with Grand Pa, one or the other. Seeing no reason to hurry, Marron slowed to a stop once he came to the bottom of the staircase.

 

On sunny days, the sun's rays would often shine through the high windows... especially when Big Mama was sat awaiting those who needed her, the effect was often quite amazing. As it was, the day was cloudy and those high windows only reflected this. Such weather never helped alleviate one's mood... Marron sighed slightly, bringing the spellbook he'd brought with him up to his chest to hold. He glanced down at it, looked across the room... a few paces away was the doorway that would lead to the kitchens, the sitting rooms... those rooms would undoubtedly be quiet, but... Marron walked through the Great Hall, reaching the large doors that closed them in. Bolted from the inside, but not locked... Marron quietly unbolted it and walked outside, pulling the door to a close behind him. He wasn't able to lock it like that, but... perhaps nobody would wish to see Big Mama anyway. It wasn't, he felt, his concern.

 

Walking out onto the gardens... the trees were dying, their leaves turning golden and orange and all of those darker colours... sometimes there'd be a gust of wind harder than the constant breeze, some of those leaves would fly forth... some would fall to the ground, some would be carried to somewhere beyond Eden's confines. Marron watched those leaves for a few moments before considering his path.

 

Not that there were many places to decide to go in the gardens. Really it was a matter of preference, was one tree better than another for sitting beneath? There were several large trees in Eden's grounds. Most if not all would now be shedding their leaves... that had little impact on studying magic or meditating, but as an act of relaxation in itself, perhaps watching the leaves would be pleasant enough to do... past the immediate gardens was a slope, and this slope led to more flat gardens. Near enough in the middle of this area was a large tree, and this was the tree that Marron often favoured for his study. Whether for study or not he also favoured it on this day, sitting rather than kneeling against the treetrunk, his book sat next to him but seemingly forgotten as he allowed the path of the leaves in the wind to distract his attention.

 

Perhaps on such days it really was best just to sit and watch the leaves fly past... Marron took a deep breath. The air was cold but felt refreshing to breathe it... he held his breath for a moment before releasing it.

 

What would Carrot be doing that morning, other than visiting Tira...

 

Marron supposed it wasn't important. Maybe he'd stay with Tira for the day, make sure she was alright... maybe he'd go down to Facade. Maybe he'd stay inside. Ah, probably that. Hadn't Chocolat lent him a new book to read? He'd probably remain preoccupied by that for most of the day. In that, Marron felt it better not to go back to the bedroom until it was closer to the evening. Carrot probably wouldn't want to be disturbed, as tempting as that kind of disturbance was.

 

It was a strange thing to think, that Carrot would almost certainly be spending his day masturbating. Not that he ever said that, but it was more or less implied by the locking himself up and the books in question and what if the Misu sisters happened to walk in on him!?... Marron hoped that Carrot remembered to properly lock the bedroom door when he was taken by such emotions...

 

If the Misu sisters were to see things like that...

 

Marron shook his head, not wanting to think about that.

 

What was there to think about...

 

To think of them was to think of Tira and her recent behaviour. His recent behaviour towards Tira. The things he'd said to Gateau the night before. Oh god, he'd almost forgotten about that... the strange things he'd said, but the strange things he believed to be the truth, even if Gateau couldn't accept those things...

 

Saying he wasn't a very good sort of person... of course he wasn't. There wasn't anybody in Eden to know the breadth of his activities, but to consider how he considered people, the things he'd thought about Tira, the things he'd thought about Gateau back in the past, even the things about Carrot he'd always think about... none of those things, Marron thought, could really be considered the actions of a 'good' person. Wanting Gateau to hate him... did he really want Gateau to hate him? Such a simple emotion would have been better than the complex arrangement they seemed to have currently. Sometimes Gateau would be moody, sometimes he'd be as happy and near-flirty as if nothing had ever happened... what was his opinion? What kind of things did he think? Marron wasn't really sure...

 

He'd said to Gateau that he wasn't sure how long things could continue on as they were. This was true. Everything in Eden seemed to hang on such a precarious balance and as far as that balance was, Marron didn't feel he could trust it. Everybody's feelings seemed so tied in with one another... for anybody to say anything would be to tip that balance, and to continue on like that... to constantly wonder and perhaps worry just when somebody else would say something... knowing that he couldn't say anything, knowing that the others probably thought that too, knowing that maybe something unpredictable could happen... it was frustrating in so many ways. He couldn't control his brother's feeling, he certainly couldn't control anybody else's feeling... all it would take would be to be able to confess his feeling, but just to do that wouldn't mean that the balance would be tipped in his favour - indeed, it might cause the exact opposite. So what could be done? The thought of saying something brought as much worry as the thought of staying silent did. Then Carrot, the catalyst himself... what if he chose to say something? What if his own feelings mirrored somebody else's feelings...? Who might that be? Tira? Chocolat? Himself? Somebody else? There was no way of swaying or predicting and the lack of power to such an important choice left Marron feeling weak. It was possible that all his dedication and feeling could be for nothing, that indeed Carrot would one day walk off with somebody else... yet, had that been what it was all for? Was everything only in order to sway the direction of Carrot's sexual favours? No, it was far more than that... far more than the physical, far deeper than that... even if no sexual feeling was involved at all, to be able to have Carrot and have him forever... to be able to hold claim of him in some way or another... as long as there was some part of him that was important, the most important... as long as in some way, he was more important to Carrot than anybody else...

 

However, surely that was the current situation? He was Carrot's little brother and he couldn't help that. Nobody else could be Carrot's brother, only he... Carrot certainly treasured him in that sense, didn't he? Therefore he was the most important in one aspect, so... why wasn't that satisfactory? What more was there that Marron wanted? He wasn't sure, and it frustrated him. Sexual favour? If Carrot trusted him to view him sexually... would that be enough or would there be more needed? What more was there?

 

The feelings felt like something Marron couldn't describe. All he knew was the tightness in his chest whenever he thought of the lonelier outcomes and the overwhelming need just to have Carrot... have him as what, Marron had no idea. As a brother? A friend? A lover? Some of those, all of those? The latter suggestion sounded acceptable, but how far would Carrot agree to that?

 

For all that Marron wanted him as, what would Carrot ever agree to? Marron felt he could only ever offer all of himself to his brother. If he were to be rejected so simply... so entirely...

 

If all of him was not enough for Carrot...

 

Such things were what moved Marron so much. The uncertainty of his emotions, his lack of will to actually be able to act on said feelings... the feeling itself that his feelings were pointless... the questions he'd asked to Gateau the night previous still rang forth in his mind.

 

Would the situation ever change? Not for as long as it continued on along the same route. For it to change meant that something had to change... for something to change meant that something had to happen... change could be good or change could be bad. Could he change the situation himself or, as he had asked, had it got to be he himself who had to change...?

 

That was quite a sobering thought. It wasn't as if he hadn't tried to discipline himself, indeed it could have been seen as that which had started everything in the first place... but... perhaps he did have to change? Somehow sway his feelings. Alter them. Falling for your closest blood relative was not something generally accepted in society, and there had to be a reason for that... the Misu sisters, the Mocha siblings... both managed to get along perfectly well, neither Tira nor Eclair had any kind of complex on their respective elders... of course, the Misu sisters had quite the attachment to Carrot, but that was something different entirely.

 

Was it really? They'd all been raised as siblings. Perhaps not related by blood, but Apricot and Onion had taken Tira and Chocolat into the household to be raised as foster children...

 

How much of it was based on upbringing? Would Tira and Chocolat have had their current feelings if it hadn't been for their shared childhood? As it was, from that, the only disadvantage Marron had was of his actual blood relation. And his gender.

 

Would Carrot have found more attractive about him if he were an unrelated female...?

 

If he were an unrelated female, would he have found anything attractive about Carrot?

 

Sighing, Marron leant his head back against the tree, stared up at the leaves and branches. Even Gateau had got so frustrated last night, saying how much Marron had changed... well, perhaps he had. That couldn't be helped. Gateau wanting him to snap out of it so quickly... was there any way to do that? How was he supposed to alter his perception of Carrot so quickly?

 

It wasn't as if Carrot wasn't altering his own perceptions awfully quickly. Pushing Marron away, saying he'd be better with Milphey or Gateau... such a thing said after such actions, surely that was a rejection if nothing else? That kiss hadn't gone further. Indeed, Carrot hadn't even spoken of what had happened then... Marron didn't like to raise the subject. Saying he didn't want to hug him... of course, after that had been that whole thing with the vibrator, Carrot had hugged him then... well, more tackled him to the bed, but... still...

 

To push somebody away, though...

 

Marron glanced to the side. There was Eden's main building, what he could see of it from his seated position. A little away from there was the road that led to Facade.

 

To Facade...

 

To be pushed away...

 

Perhaps...

 

Just for a moment, the thought 'maybe I should leave' flittered across Marron's mind. Why not? If Carrot needed some kind of space, didn't want Marron around... if he thought Marron should be with other people, do things with other people, have 'healthy' relationships... perhaps such a life could be found elsewhere on the Continent? If he needed to have such relationships... if it was indeed he who needed to change... would Eden even be able to provide that change? Staying in the same place with the same people for so long... maybe change would seem insurmountable with so much that remained the same. With the Misu sisters reminding him of his challenge. Carrot himself. Gateau too. Perhaps even Milphey. Did he need time away...? Did he need a break? Perhaps longer than a break. Perhaps even to move away? Maybe that was a bit drastic. However, were not his thoughts in general a bit drastic? As had been said before, it was a choice between something or nothing...

 

Leaving Eden was a choice, wasn't it? Perhaps it could even be a good choice. Maybe he'd meet new people, make an effort to fit in to a new community... was that a good idea? Was that possible?

 

To consider such a thing...

 

To consider leaving Carrot...

 

The initial thought of that was one of pain and just no. To leave Carrot on his own... anything could happen...! He could be hurt, he could be scared... if he had a nightmare, who would be there to comfort him? If he was hurt in battle, who would be there to take revenge...?

 

... So many people had so many feelings for Carrot... even Tira had spoken of her jealousy towards Marron for his relation to Carrot. Tira would comfort Carrot. So would Chocolat. In a battle, if anybody was hurt, surely everybody should want to take revenge for that... it was only his own feelings that made them so much more powerful for being of Carrot.

 

Strictly... perhaps Carrot didn't even need Marron's protection...?

 

He'd said before that he would rather die than risk hurting his brother. This was true. However, not all pain needed to be physical... how much of his own feeling would he wish to inflict - and inflict had to be the word for it - on Carrot before it became a burden? When one wished the relationship to be more than just fraternal... such complicated and entire feelings... the thought of Carrot's rejection... why would he reject? Surely such deep feelings might render him frightened... Carrot was such a carefree sort of person, Marron had no desire to drag him down into any kind of unwanted complication. Marron loved Carrot as he was and held no desire at all to change him.

 

Yet for that alone, perhaps he had to change himself...

 

Marron stared over in the direction of the road to Facade, as if something would suddenly jump up and make his decision that bit easier.

 

As it was, it seemed that Milphey had chosen that time to emerge from his bedroom and take a little walk around. He hadn't specifically meant to find Marron, but spotting him beneath that big tree had certainly perked up his partially deflated spirits somewhat.

 

Spotting Milphey walking down the slope, Marron wondered if that could be seen as some kind of sign. He'd wanted help with his decision, suddenly Milphey would appear... though, whether he wanted help with the decision to stay or the decision to go, Marron wasn't quite sure. If an argument could be made for either, Marron felt he'd listen to it.

 

"Marron-chan! Ma~rr~on-ch~aa~n!"

 

Milphey was waving now. Marron debated waving back, but given the fact that he'd been seen already, he saw little need for it. He looked up in the expectation of Milphey's arrival, waiting silently for him to come closer. Milphey ended up jogging the last little stretch of grass separating them, then sat himself down next to Marron. He smiled.

 

"Good morning, Marron-chan. Or as good a morning as one can wish on such a grey and dull day like today... what's this you're looking at? 'Practices of Eastern Magic vol XV'. XV?! My my. No wonder so many of Marron-chan's books are all over the bookcases, there's so many of them! Is it good?"

 

"Ah... I hadn't really started to look at it yet... I wasn't quite feeling myself."

 

"A little down? Don't worry, I don't think anybody is in much of a good mood today. I certainly woke up feeling rather sluggish... but I thought that maybe some fresh air would help. The air certainly is fresh today, isn't it, don't you think? A strong breeze about..."

 

"Mmm..."

 

"So what was Marron-chan thinking of to be preoccupied out of reading his very very interesting book?"

 

The question seemed innocent enough, but Marron wasn't quite sure how to answer. How was there to sum up all of his different feelings? At least, how could such things be explained to Milphey's innocently smiling face? He seemed in too good a mood to disturb with serious things, but then again, one could only tell the truth... Marron's stare at the tree branches above deflated somewhat with a sigh, he let his expression drop to the side of him that Milphey wasn't sitting on.

 

"If I were to leave Eden..."

 

He didn't follow that up with anything else, perhaps hoping that Milphey would somehow know what was to follow that, even though he wasn't quite sure what that was himself. Milphey only smiled and pushed at Marron's shoulder, "Come come, Marron-chan. You shouldn't say such a silly thing."

 

"... No, really. If I were to leave Eden... if I were to perhaps live somewhere else..."

 

He turned back to face Milphey, "... do you think that would work?"

 

Marron's genuinely curious expression caused Milphey's smile to vanish in an instant. What kinds of things had the boy been thinking about now... he frowned slightly.

 

"Why would you want to leave here...?"

 

Marron shook his head, trying to keep his tone light-hearted but coming off as somewhat stilted, "Perhaps it would be better... perhaps my brother would be... more comfortable if we were apart. Perhaps I... should try to attach myself to people who aren't connected to him at all. I-... he... my brother wished... my brother told me not long ago that he wished for me to have a normal relationship, perhaps with you, perhaps with Gateau. I would want to follow his wishes, but I... I... I cannot see how those would be achieved... and for such a thing to happen while always beside my brother..."

 

His voice became quieter, "Gateau was talking to me last night. We ended up talking about... complicated things. He seemed rather angry with whatever it is I appear to have become. Apparently I'm quite different to the myself that I was when he first met me... he became quite frustrated, wondering just who it was that had changed me so much. I could only answer the truth, that it had been only myself to change myself... I would not wish to blame this upon my brother. He forced no feeling upon me."

 

"And for this you want to leave Eden..."

 

"I wonder if it would be best."

 

Milphey's voice was somewhat cool, "And what about the people you leave behind? Don't you think it'll be a bit painful for them?"

 

"Perhaps so... but... is this not pain as it is? Is this not painful? The uncertainty and the frustration... being unwilling to do things, feeling that things are hopeless... if I were to leave, even if it was painful... if I were to leave and be able to come back as a better person... if I could live in peace with my brother as only my brother... if I no longer had to cause him worry, if I no longer carried this potential to hurt him so terribly... if I left Eden, left Facade... if I could make a clean break and build myself up from the beginning again... maybe... I could build myself up as a better person?"

 

"You really think you'd be able to make this clean break?"

 

Once more, Milphey's tone was... almost callous, somehow. Marron felt slightly confused. Out of anybody in Eden who he thought he'd be able to talk to, Marron had figured that Milphey would be that person... would Milphey not hear out his thoughts, weigh up the positives and negatives before coming to an informed conclusion that would help Marron to decide if he should leave or not? Milphey seemed very against the idea just to begin with. Marron frowned.

 

"I would hope myself to..."

 

"Marron, just who would you be trying to please with such a move?"

 

"Ah, well... I would hope to change my own opinion and perception... prevent any further unease with my brother, prevent any future awkward situations with Gateau... I'm not sure who exactly it would please, but... to hope to improve myself... don't you think that's a good idea...?"

 

Arguably it was, even if only in theory. Frustratingly so. Even if it seemed something of a sudden idea, Milphey had to admit that at least Marron was showing some kind of initiative in trying to better himself, even if that initiative seemed perhaps a little extreme... though, in a difficult situation, wasn't it sometimes better to solve problems through the extreme solutions? If you were stuck in a rut then perhaps it was better to jump out of it headfirst into something totally different, and it certainly seemed that that was Marron's situation. Was leaving Eden a solution? Maybe or maybe not, but it was as valid an attempt as any, Milphey supposed.

 

"We'll meet again someday, I promise!"

 

Milphey shook his head slightly, as if trying to stir memory into silence. Marron had looked to him with such curiosity... he spoke of such a thing seriously, Milphey supposed he'd have to invest some serious opinion in turn. Nevermind that he was quite personally against such an idea, that was just his own bias. His own bias wouldn't help Marron at all, would it? If Marron felt he needed some time alone, well, maybe Marron needed some time alone.

 

Why that required his opinion, Milphey wasn't sure.

 

"Well... I have to agree with that, I suppose..."

 

"If it helped ease things just slightly, then it would be worth it."

 

"Mmm..."

 

Marron drew one knee to his chest and latticed his fingers together around it, "You don't seem very forthcoming."

 

"Well, what do you want me to say? I don't see why you need my permission if you want to leave all of a sudden."

 

"It's not your permission I want, Milphey... just your opinion."

 

He said that in such a straightforward way that Milphey felt slightly guilty for his tone of voice, his attitude in general... Marron was right, he did just want an opinion. Milphey sighed... what kind of opinion could he give, though? Only his personal opinion... was that really the kind that Marron would want, that Marron would appreciate? It depended on whether Marron wanted to be talked into leaving or out of leaving, as it was Milphey wasn't really sure which was closer to the truth.

 

"... As for my own opinion, it's... not something I'd try myself, I don't think. I just... I don't like the idea of it. The idea of voluntarily leaving somebody you wanted to spend time with, choosing to spend time away from them... I just tend to think you should try to spend as much time as possible with certain people, but... that's just me. I do understand where you're coming from, though... needing time, needing space, sometimes people do just need a bit of either, or both. Maybe a little time on your own will do you a lot of good... a little personal meditation somewhere peaceful, right? Muse on the important things and finding the beauty in a blade of grass, things like that. But... do you think it would help?"

 

"I'd hope it would..."

 

"Is it something you can really go into only armed with hope? It's not... I don't think it's something you can go into thinking that you have to. Something like that... you have to feel it's what's best, you have to honestly feel that. Only you have the power to improve yourself, and if you're fighting against yourself then it'll make any situation hard to bear... do you feel that something like that is the best...?"

 

Marron was staring intently at the grass in front of him now. Milphey couldn't help but watch with a degree of sympathy; he understood where Marron was coming from, he really did, but on the other hand... from a totally selfish perspective, he didn't want Marron to leave, to go and do things in other places with other people... it was possible that it would all be a good thing for him, but then there was also the possibility that it wouldn't be, and if it turned out like that, who would be able to look out for him if he'd gone somewhere on his own?

 

It never paid to try to clip the wings of such budding children, but... sometimes it was hard not to want to cage them for just a while longer. Milphey found it hard to determine in his mind just what it was he was trying to justify - was he really thinking in Marron's best interests or his own...? He wasn't sure and that irritated him. Wasn't Marron trusting him to be impartial? Maybe it would be good for his own independence to leave on his own for a while. It wasn't as if he'd said he wanted to leave forever, or anything... then he leant forward and he looked just so empty that Milphey wished he could somehow come up with a magical solution for everything that very moment.

 

"... Milphey, I don't know if there is anything I could say was 'the best'. I... I only feel that I should do something, though not one part of me feels sure as to quite what that is... all I seem to be able to do is think about my situations, thinking about those causes frustrations to pool within me... the anger has no justification and the need has no outlet. There are things I have to do, but it's... it's as if I've been blinded, I can't see what those things are any longer. There are things I have to do and the urgency feels like it could explode out of me... or implode within me, and I don't which what effect either would have. Just... things are... they're starting to feel as if they're not by choice. I... I find it harder and harder to calm myself. I question whether I do actually want to calm myself... thoughts cross through my mind, various darknesses threaten to consume me... yet an angry darkness has no outlet and a frustrated darkness has no receptacle. My frustration deepens. I-... if this carries on as it is, then perhaps something will change, perhaps some part of me will win. I may do unacceptable things. I may hurt people. I wonder if, by that point, I will even care..."

 

Gateau had expressed anger on how Marron had become? Milphey stared softly at Marron has he spoke. He could see Gateau's point of view. What had it been that had taken Marron and rendered him so hopeless all of a sudden? Well... not even all of a sudden... the only answer Milphey could think of was that it had been Carrot that had done this - not on purpose, not on purpose at all, but... out of anybody else, who could cause such strength of feeling in Marron? If Marron didn't have Carrot's full support on something then of course it was going to make him doubtful. Marron was keeping so much secret from Carrot, but what truly was the weight of that secrecy? Milphey's thought that Eden's problems would be alleviated if everybody would just talk to each other was rekindled. Even if the reactions were the worst that they could be (and given some of Carrot's words in the past, Milphey highly doubted such a thing), it would still give them some leverage to start from, surely? Perhaps it was harsh, but if Carrot said plainly and truly that he didn't appreciate that kind of attention from Marron, perhaps it would spur Marron into advancing his feelings to something different... given that Marron didn't do anything drastic in the meantime. It would all be a learning experience, wouldn't it? They'd all eventually move on, with any hope. This would be less likely to happen while everything still lay ambiguous. Milphey sighed. Such sadness Marron seemed to carry with him...

 

"Marron, you... you can't be so hopeless..."

 

Marron didn't say anything to that, but his silence seemed to imply 'why not?'... with a slight growl of some kind, Milphey pulled himself to his feet. It was all very well to feel so apathetic on such a day, sometimes things like that could be understood, but he sure as hell wasn't going to sit around musing on how grey life suddenly seemed with somebody who, in comparison, had experienced so little... as he did so, he grabbed Marron's hand and managed to silently persuade him into standing up also. Marron seemed a little confused and startled for the sudden movement, but didn't really argue. He dusted himself down with one hand, the other still grabbed tightly by Milphey.

 

It wasn't exactly that Milphey looked down on Marron; he liked to think that he respected the young mage more than to suddenly become patronizing and condescending with his words, 'because you're so young', 'because I've experienced so much more than you' and 'I know better because I'm older'... Milphey also liked to think he'd lived long enough to know and appreciate that sometimes it was those with youthful vitality that could know best or offer the fresh viewpoints, and that was the point. Marron was youthful, but where had his vitality gone? Milphey wasn't sure if there was any way that he himself could restore that, but if he could use his experiences to give some kind of hope to the momentarily lost boy in front of him, then... it would all be for good. He began to walk, Marron in tow.

 

"Milphey, where are we going?"

 

"Just over here, just over here... I want you to look at something."

 

Curiosity piqued, Marron followed obediently, not that he had much choice in the matter. They scaled the slope that led back up to the immediate grounds of Eden, walked past the closest wall of the building, walked over to where the dusty path would lead, eventually, to Facade. Milphey walked Marron over to where the hedges that surrounded Eden broke into a space wide enough to accommodate the path, came to a stop exactly between them. From there lay the path, the view of the path... Eden itself was on a more elevated position compared to the main city, therefore allowing anybody in Eden to be able to look out over it if they were so inclined. The view from the windows was perhaps more encompassing, but the view from the entrance gave more a sense of scale somehow... there was something a little more to appreciate being outside and being able to see the city, know that you stood directly beneath the same sky that the people about a mile down the road did also... the day wasn't the best for trying to make such a point, Milphey felt that it would have been a slight bit more dramatic for the sun to have shone down over Facade, the slotted beams falling from the light clouds high in the sky... but, it was autumn, if he was going to wait for the weather to be able to make his point to Marron then they'd be waiting for far longer than Milphey really felt he had the time to do so. It'd have to do. He gestured towards the capital city with a sweeping gesture of his right hand.

 

"Three hundred years ago, none of this existed."

 

"Ah..."

 

Milphey glanced down at Marron, wondering if that one nugget of very true information had impressed Marron any. Perhaps he'd have to elaborate.

 

"Three hundred years ago, the capital of the Continent - if you could call it that - was far east of here, was in a place called Galna-Galm. The Stella family ruled, not that there was much left to rule... the hundreds of people left within the influence of the castle were said to have been the last civilization left on the Continent. Even that became questionable as everybody thought everything was going to end... this place was somewhere quite different. However, less of the history lesson - if you were around three hundred years ago, you likely wouldn't even have been able to stand here to think about things, let alone walk out towards that city there. Here and there would have been ruled entirely by monsters and ghouls, any humans who were found would have been killed no matter of age or gender or anything. It wasn't nice."

 

"I was reading about the age of Varonia not too long ago..."

 

"Well, try to imagine it up from what you read, then. The days were very much like this - every day seemed quite grey and miserable, that was if you dared stand outside in the first place. Better was to stay inside the castle, though 'better' was a difficult word to use. The people then had a very real reason to be hopeless; how many more days were left? How much longer could the seals over the castle hold? The people you knew and valued... all it would take would be for them to set one step wrong and a monster would decapitate them with no second thought. There was a very real fear at that time."

 

Letting go of Marron's hand, Milphey walked so that he stood in front of Marron, stood between him and his view of Facade.

 

"Three hundred years ago, everybody thought that they would die. Nobody saw much in the way of hope for the Continent; war would overtake it, overrun it, burn it until there was nothing left. There seemed little to prevent this."

 

Milphey looked over to Facade.

 

"The Spooner Continent as it is now. From the northern reaches to the southern islands, from the dusty western deserts to the high eastern mountains. Almost anywhere on this Continent you can think of lives some kind of population. Yes, the Continent has its problems, nobody would look upon the sociological aspect of our world and deem it perfect, yet... for me, standing here, looking over all of that, I can't help but feel that it is wonderful. Yes, there is evil out there. Yes, there is danger and threat and risk and for some, life may indeed be hopeless. Yet there is always always hope out there; as long as people live and continue to live, there is hope. Even if the world is sent to the brink of ruin, as long as there are people to rebuild it, they will rebuild it and life will continue. I think I have more faith in that now than I did long ago."

 

Marron seemed quite quiet during all of this. Milphey folded his arms and glanced back at Marron, a knowing little smirk on his face.

 

"I'm trying to get you to see the bigger picture, Marron-chan. Is it working yet?"

 

"I can see what you're saying, and I do appreciate it, Milphey... but I wonder, can people like you and I, who never experienced such a thing, even begin to imagine what that was like... we can read accounts and imagine, but for that true kind of fear... sometimes I try to imagine it, but I... I can't, not specifically. There's always a degree of separation between what I know and what the people of that time must have known... to have lived in a world where none of this was a reality, to know no safety and little comfort... such an idea really is so hopeless."

 

"And yet hope remained, didn't it? From the burnt-out lands came these, um, rich and verdant landscapes. When it's not autumn and it's not dull weather. But yes... you could look at this Continent and wonder just what rebuilt it. Toil and bricks and mortar perhaps, but more idealistically, I think the human spirit rebuilt it. And that's something we all have, isn't it? That optimism. Even if it gets hidden sometimes," Milphey punctuated that with a prod to Marron's chest.

 

Marron's expression was a little rueful, "I'm not being very appreciative, am I..."

 

"Ahaha, I wasn't going to say anything... ah, but I'm not finished yet. Would you like to go inside? It's a bit chilly out here."

 

"Ah, I left my book beneath the tree..."

 

"Alright, we'll go and get that. Then, I think we could both do with a nice mug of tea, couldn't we? Gateau-chan got some nice fruity ones a while ago, I had the lemon one, it was nice..."

 

The two of them slowly walked back to the tree Marron had been sat beneath; Marron retrieved his book, they returned to Eden's main building. The inside of the Great Hall seemed warmer primarily for being out of the path of the wind, though it still wasn't really comfortably warm by anybody's standards. Milphey led the way through to the side rooms, to the kitchens. He set a kettle of water boiling, preparing two fruit teas for use afterward. He leant his arms against the sideboard he'd been working against.

 

"I think there's even things to be appreciated in small moments like this. Coming in from the cold, being able to prepare a cup of tea... being able to drink that, being able to feel how wonderfully hot it is..."

 

"Mmm... there's something relaxing about it."

 

"I agree, I agree."

 

The kettle whistled to indicate that it was ready. Milphey poured Marron's cup then his own, indicating to the door once they held them, "Let's go through here."

 

Marron followed Milphey to one of the sitting rooms off to the side. Both walked in and put their cups down on the table in the middle of the room, Milphey returned to the door to close it and turn the catch on it, just for that added aspect of privacy while they spoke. He paused at the catch for a moment, speaking slightly more quietly.

 

"... It doesn't suit Marron-chan to be so hopeless all of a sudden."

 

"Ah..."

 

Milphey turned around, leaning against the door for a few moments.

 

"You see... I don't know how well I managed to describe it, but... being able to hold a sense of wonder in the population as a whole... being able to appreciate smaller things, like coming in from the cold and having a cup of tea..."

 

Sometimes you just had to be straightforward. Milphey dropped the subtlety for a moment, "Marron, not everything in this world revolves around Carrot-chan."

 

Marron's expression fell slightly, "I... am aware of that."

 

"Are you?"

 

The genuine surprise in Milphey's voice as he sat down on the couch opposite Marron made Marron look up with, in turn, surprise of his own.

 

"You would think me not...?"

 

"I wonder, sometimes."

 

A momentary silence as both of them sipped from their steaming mugs. Marron didn't look directly at Milphey as he spoke, "... I might wonder too, sometimes."

 

Milphey didn't reply to that, silently bidding Marron to continue. Marron sighed, "There are things that make us aware. Even when we were so young, mother taught us such things... she would point out the trees to us as they came into blossom, would speak of the age of the tree and the effect that life had upon it... a tree wouldn't blossom if it wasn't alive, I remember she told us that. She told us to always be able to look around us and realise exactly how much is alive - every tree and every plant around us has life of some kind, has a spirit, has its own kind of power. She managed to teach Gaia magic to Tira and I... perhaps we can only heal, nowhere near the kinds of powers that mother spoke of, but... to be able to heal is the foundation, is to draw power from our planet. Even the planet is alive in some way... we couldn't draw the power if it wouldn't let us. At least, that was what she said... I was never sure how far to believe that, but in the basic things she would point out to us... the life of a tree, the blooming of a flower... I'd always see those things and think of her words and think about how honestly amazing such things are."

 

"Those must be nice memories to have of her..."

 

"They are, they are... then there is also what Hourai taught me, all those years ago. When he introduced the idea of meditation to Monbran and myself... he said that to meditate was the ability to be able to forget yourself amidst the pullings of your everyday thoughts. To be able to see yourself as yourself, then see yourself as unimportant compared to everything else... to be able to take a step back from yourself, somewhat. I remember Monbran had some problem with that to begin with... but that was always Hourai's basic idea on meditation, that to be able to do that, you had to disconnect yourself from some of the trappings that formed you yourself."

 

"Also sensible... isn't a lot about Eastern magic managing to draw power from that place one step away, or so?"

 

"Something like that, yes. It's hard to explain, but... essentially, that's basically it. Both of those viewpoints had such effects on me... the things that mother told us and taught us, the things I remember... the things the Hourai instilled in me back when I was so young. Yet... I think you would be right to show concern, for I am also concerned... very often it is hard to concentrate on anything but my brother, to be able to appreciate is marred by his overbearing presence within my mind... to be able to even meditate is hard, for while I can disconnect from myself I find it so hard to disconnect from him..."

 

Marron glanced at his mug of tea, "... therefore I wonder if physical distance may give some kind of solution. To leave him may bring such deep pain, but... if there was any chance that it could also bring freedom..."

 

"I suppose that depends on how much you want to be free of him..."

 

"I know, I know. I... that is a hard question to answer. To be 'free' of him... I do not think I would wish that, but... does not something have to change, Milphey? I said earlier that it feels as if something must change... whether that is something I must change or something inside myself I must change, I don't know..."

 

"Perhaps leaving here would bring some kind of appreciation for freedom..."

 

"Perhaps."

 

Another sip.

 

"Carrot... said he wanted you to have a 'normal' relationship, didn't he..."

 

"What he may have been implying by that, I fear to wonder."

 

A rather pregnant pause. Milphey glanced down at the table, "Marron-chan, I meant to speak to you about all of this..."

 

"Mmm?"

 

"A little while ago, after that mission with you and Gateau-chan to the hot springs... Gateau-chan and I ended up talking, just a little bit."

 

"Ah?"

 

"Mm. He said some things that... concerned me, just a little."

 

Marron took another sip of his drink, "You would be concerned about Gateau?"

 

Milphey's tone of voice was a little more insistent than he'd meant it to be, "I'd be concerned about you, Marron!"

 

Obviously that tone shocked Marron somewhat. Milphey realised his reaction, caught himself slightly. It was true that he'd be concerned about Marron, that he was concerned about Marron, but the extent of that... Milphey sighed gently. Was it right to talk to Marron about the things that Gateau had said? Well, not strictly the things that he'd said... only the things he'd mentioned that he'd assumed common knowledge... after all, Gateau had quite straightforwardly repeated what Marron had said, which in turn had been told by Carrot... and the things that Carrot would say, how could he say such thoughtless things sometimes...! Marron only stared at Milphey, subtle surprise evident on his brow, but... he kept quiet, obviously waiting for Milphey to speak. Milphey glanced down at the table again, setting his tea down for a moment.

 

"Saying about your manner on that trip... saying about how you seemed so hopeless..."

 

"It was hard to concentrate, somewhat."

 

"That was when he first told me of Carrot's suggestion... that he said to pick between Gateau or I?"

 

"Ahn..."

 

"Marron, you... would you actually make a choice like that...?"

 

Milphey didn't know if Marron's silence meant that he was undecided or that he would. Milphey continued, "I watched Carrot during that time, when you and Gateau were gone. I wondered if perhaps he'd say anything... perhaps a slight part of me hoped that he'd realise something of you in your absence. Absence makes the heart grow fonder after all, does it not? Something something false heart wander, whatever it is. Carrot certainly seemed quiet when you were gone... thinking about things. I didn't really manage to get hold of him to find out quite what he was thinking, though. It does seem strange that you would be sent on a mission with only Gateau, though..."

 

"I can't help but wonder if my brother held some influence in that... he spoke that perhaps it'd be better for me to spend some time with Gateau or so... then just days afterward, that mission came through. Would he really plan something like that, I wonder... perhaps it was just coincidence..."

 

Perhaps nothing, Milphey knew all too well that it had been Carrot who'd gone to Big Mama to request such a mission. Even from that point, since Big Mama had mentioned it in her usual light conversational 'it's nothing important' kind of way, Milphey had been somewhat concerned about just why Carrot would want such a mission for Marron. Why he would quietly request something like that to Big Mama. It seemed that Marron wasn't aware of Carrot's implicit part in that mission, so Milphey remained silent on that point.

 

"Perhaps... I suppose we can't quite know. Only... if we thought that maybe Carrot had planned such a thing... Marron, why would he want to do that in the first place...? I... I suppose I'm just wondering what could happen to make him decided he wanted you to choose between Gateau and myself all of a sudden... that's not something you just wake up and think, is it? That is... Marron... did something... happen?"

 

Marron looked to the side silently, as if deliberating whether to tell Milphey or not.

 

Milphey softened, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I'm only curious."

 

"... Pinned to the bed..."

 

"Hmn?"

 

"... He... we had been talking on various things... he was somewhat determined... he said something by mistake, something that could have been interpreted as... as an advance, I suppose. We were both shocked by that. Suddenly it was as if he needed to know if such an advance would frighten me, but I could never be frightened by that circumstance...! Trying to coax my refusal by pinning me to the bed... fear prevented me agreeing but I could never ever disagree, Milphey...! Then-..."

 

Listening with rapt attention, Milphey nodded for Marron to continue.

 

"Then?"

 

"... Then he kissed me... such a sudden and confusing pleasure left me delirious, but just for that sudden moment... his body was heavy against mine and he didn't refuse my hold, didn't shun my embrace, as much as I dared... that moment was almost frightening but in such a wonderful way... how far would this sudden urge take him? To have done something like that... would my brother really do such things on a whim...?... Though, before that, I-..."

 

Marron stopped suddenly. Milphey nodded again, "Before that...?"

 

"... I had been... performing shameless acts on his fingers..."

 

"My my... and how did he react to that...?"

 

"His blush was as furious as my own... and then, as I mentioned... that kiss... but all of a sudden he seemed to become unsure, he jumped away from me and started talking about unrelated things... I couldn't seem to say anything that would bring him closer to me. He... he even refused to embrace me when I asked, I-... I couldn't help but wonder why he would have been so intent on such a thing..."

 

"Hmmn... and when was it he spoke about the having normal relationships thing?"

 

"... After I told him I couldn't love anybody more than I loved him..."

 

That caught Milphey by surprise. He'd had one hand leant on the armrest of the sofa, had been glancing around the room idly as he spoke... he paused at that point, glancing back towards Marron while holding a ringlet of hair. He blinked; a picture was starting to form now.

 

So, somehow, Carrot and Marron had got onto the topic of sex and relationships, more or less. Carrot had made something of a faux pas, this had somehow developed their conversation. Somewhere along the line, Marron had thought it a good idea to do something a little sexy for Carrot. This had had the effect of causing Carrot to kiss Marron, which certainly lent to the idea that perhaps Carrot wouldn't be as unwilling as Marron often seemed to fear... however, it also seemed that Carrot had caught himself during that, realised his position and relation and social boundaries... after something frenzied and sudden and frightening like that, how else could you react? It seemed that Carrot's reaction had been to push Marron as far away as possible from that particular position. Refusing to hug him. Telling him that relationships with other people would be best. Would be more normal. It didn't take a genius to work out what they would be more normal compared against, but how much of Marron's feeling did Carrot realise? If Marron had practically confessed his feeling like that... had Carrot bottled out? Did Marron's feelings frighten him? Obviously he was acting alongside some kind of confused emotion. Surely he would know how much hold his suggestions would have on Marron... and in a case where somebody so dependant worried you with their actions, you perfectly held the power to make them more distant... one had to question just how far Carrot would choose to manipulate his little brother's emotions, whether he really meant to or not.

 

On the other hand, this did explain an awful lot. Carrot's distance, Carrot's words... Marron's hopeless feeling, Marron's own words...

 

Whether it had been something said consciously or something said through implications more subtle, Marron had essentially been rejected. Even more frustrating for obviously having not received an easy yes-no answer, what more could Marron think? If Carrot had only shown signs of rejecting such a relationship, given the kind of person that Marron was, surely he'd think only of moving towards those who his brother suggested... something which might, in some way or another, make his brother happy...

 

Then of course, how much pressure would it place on Marron's mind thinking his own self not enough for Carrot's desires and needs? Marron's sole concern seemed always to be to make his brother happy, yet... when it came to something so basic, if he couldn't even fulfil that...

 

No wonder Marron seemed so hopeless all of a sudden.

 

"... Do you think that scared him...?"

 

Marron looked at Milphey for a moment before looking away, "... He only moved away from me once I said such a thing. I don't think that-... I think that somehow it must have caused a negative effect. I don't know what answer he expected, but... I don't think that that was the one."

 

"Mmm, I can imagine... but, thinking along those lines... perhaps that's his way of wishing you freedom? Knowing what Carrot does... perhaps he thinks you're somehow trapped in these feelings of yours, and I don't think anybody could really deny that. Perhaps, as far as he thinks that he knows... maybe he thinks you would find freedom in the embrace of another. Carrot is, and I think you can agree with this, somebody who's very sexually driven. If he's worried about sexual freedom being compromised - his or yours, I don't know - then wouldn't it be natural that his bid for freedom would be for you and somebody else...?"

 

"Then I wonder what he might think of me..."

 

Milphey nodded, "It's perhaps something to ponder. However, I think you especially have to keep in mind... Carrot may be that bit older than you, but in other aspects... I don't think anybody would disagree that you're a lot more mature than him, Marron. You have that kind of maturity that he doesn't, you have needs that he hasn't yet realised... perhaps some unconscious part of him might realise this and would want to push you towards somebody that, in his mind, would be better for you. Someone older, more experienced, more along the lines of your mental capacity, I don't know. Just, you've seen how Carrot's acted over the years when it comes to the matters of girls... the ones that he wants and the ones that present themselves to him run quite far apart. Basically, it seems that he wants to have things without the responsibility that comes alongside those things, be able to have what he wants for the sake of wanting them. That's fine for somebody like him. However, you are a lot more focused in your view and you know what you want, so very specifically you know what you want. In all honesty, I think what you want is a quite a bit more than Carrot would be willing to offer, but that it would be more than he could give to anybody in his current state... his tastes are indiscriminate for the moment, they should eventually mature. If you were to wish to wait for him, then that would be admirable. Yet, can you really close off all of your desires to hibernation until that time, I wonder..."

 

Then a slight smile, "I also think that the loyalty of your mind is being pulled into question by the needs of your body; just as different people reach maturity at different times, I think different parts of we ourselves reach maturity at different times... it could be that your mind has reached a maturity that your body doesn't agree with or that your body has reached a maturity that your mind doesn't agree with, but... in any case, you're thrown into this conflict. Mentally, you would wait for Carrot until and for any which time he may specify. Meanwhile, the human body is not infallible, and you do have needs."

 

A slight silence, then Milphey frowned, seeming to realise something.

 

"It's possible that your mentality has somehow bullied your physicality into what it thinks is right. Which is how come you end up so frustrated at the moment. That part of your mind that knows you have to wait for Carrot may be making you wait for Carrot... the discipline you put on yourself only seduced this idea further. Perhaps. That's just a theory."

 

Marron just stared at Milphey with fairly open surprise. Having finished his thoughts, Milphey couldn't help but smile at Marron's facial expression, "You should close your mouth, Marron-chan. Something might fly in there."

 

"How do you come up with such thoughts so easily..."

 

"Hmn?"

 

"Thinking on things so deeply... I don't know how many of those things would occur to me even if I was occupied by my thoughts all day... yet I just tell you of my situation and you then say these things that make sense... that's quite admirable."

 

Slightly embarrassed by Marron's open praise, Milphey laughed gently.

 

"Ahaha, I suppose somebody out there favours me. No, really... I'm not too sure, I just tend to think about these things too much, really. As I said, I had been wondering about Carrot-chan for a while, and then Marron-chan's sudden hopeless behaviour... I thought there had to be reasons for it all, and then it turned out that there were. Reasons lead to actions, don't they?... Maybe I'm just a verbal sort of person. You know how some people learn things best if they write them down, or how some people can get all they want from reading? Like Marron-chan, Marron-chan obviously learns a lot from reading, but also from doing the things he reads about. A practical learner. I suppose I just develop ideas through talking about them? I certainly do a lot of that. After a while, it just comes naturally, I suppose."

 

"... I'm thankful that I know you, Milphey."

 

"Oh, you don't need to say something like that, Marron-chan!"

 

"I feel that I should... somebody who can come up with such sensible ideas about things. I'm not sure how far such things would have been realised, but the things that you speak of... they sound sensible and they seem plausible... such things are ideas to think about, and you are the kind of person who comes up with them... so I'm thankful that I know somebody who could come up with such ideas. They allow me to perhaps reassess my personal situations somewhat."

 

Milphey smiled, "Well, if it gets Marron-chan considering things he might not have done before, then surely that's a good thing. What things might Marron-chan be thinking at the moment?"

 

Marron glanced down at the table, "I had been considering leaving Eden..."

 

"I remember. Do you think that you will?"

 

"... I'm not sure. I think you're right, that it could either create a positive effect or a negative effect... perhaps I need some more time to think through exactly what the effect might be. If I could be convinced that it would have a positive effect, then perhaps it really would be the right thing to do... but I agree that it shouldn't be something I rush into without thinking. If it was something I forced myself to do, then perhaps that would only feel more miserable... as it is, there seems to be a lot I try to force myself into."

 

"I noticed. So! Now we've had that heart-to-heart, I feel a little better that I know what's going on between Carrot-chan and Marron-chan. However, you said before that there were things that you felt you had to do... I think the main question now would be, what will Marron-chan do next? Of course, you don't have to do anything... you could tell Carrot-chan so, too. Just because he suggests things to you doesn't mean you have to go through with them, right? Perhaps you could show a little independence that way, maybe that would show Carrot-chan that Marron-chan is actually his own person."

 

"Though, I-"

 

"It doesn't matter quite what you think personally on that. The idea is making Carrot-chan believe that it's so, right? I'm not saying that you should lie to him, just... bend the truth a little, if you have to. Try to work to be strong - after all, if you work hard, surely it should have some kind of benefit in the end?"

 

Marron didn't say anything to that, but Milphey's smile seemed to seal the conversation. Noting that his cup of tea was empty, he stood up.

 

"Is Marron-chan alright for tea? Even if you haven't finished it yet, it has to be cold by now... we could make some more, if you like."

 

"Ah, I'm alright, thank you..."

 

"Well, if you're sure."

 

Milphey got up from his seat, quietly walking over to the door. Supposing he'd heard about as much as he was going to hear for the day, Milphey unlocked the door. He stared down at the look, looked up at the door... something occurred to him, something he deemed as being rather silly, but still... he turned around, glancing over his shoulder towards where Marron was still sat on the sofa.

 

"... Marron-chan?"

 

"Ah, yes?"

 

"... If you were going to choose between Gateau-chan and I..."

 

He said such a thing seriously, but Marron obviously didn't take it as being so. He only smiled, "Can I really make a decision like that?"

 

Confirming in his mind that the question was a pointless one, Milphey also allowed himself to smile.

 

"I know, I know. I'm sorry, I... I was just curious. But no, you're right, you're right, that's an unfair question to ask anybody! We all know you'd pick me."

 

"Milphey...?"

 

A wink, "I'm joking. Anyway, are you sure you don't want some more tea? There's different flavours..."

 

"I'm really alright, Milphey. Thank you, though."

 

"Alright, alright. So, ah... what do you think you'll do for the rest of the day?"

 

"I hadn't really thought about it... maybe I'll just stay in here and relax. Appreciate the silence, perhaps."

 

Milphey smiled as he opened the door, "That sounds good to me."

 

Only slightly further up the corridor, Gateau and Carrot were walking. Having only failed to find Marron in any of his usual haunts across Eden, they could only grow increasingly more worried... where would Marron be? What would he be doing? He'd been so strange with Gateau the night before... asking Gateau to help him... what kind of help? What kind of thing would he want help with? Each step along the empty corridor seemed to echo loudly, seemed to rattle through Carrot's mind alongside his troubled thoughts.

 

Marron wouldn't really do anything like that, would he? No, no... there was a lot more riding on such a thing than just a release of feeling. After all, the last time somebody had died... Carrot glanced up at Gateau as they walked, he was just staring straight ahead. The last time somebody had died, that had been Gateau. Carrot could quite clearly remember that feeling, that realisation... he hadn't had quite a feeling like that before. Sometimes you got a feeling that something was wrong, that something had happened, that something bad had happened... however, that time... definitely there was that feeling that something bad had happened, but more than that was that something was missing, some vital part was missing... some vital part of something beyond but something that Carrot could feel so terribly and so painfully... the seal of North Sky Karlman over Hakaishin being removed, the sudden feeling and knowledge that something was different, something was happening, something terrible was happening and then before Carrot was able to think much further, Hakaishin had made himself known...

 

The fact that he was still there to be able to walk down silent corridors beside Gateau led Carrot to believe that Marron was still alright. Anything that happened to a vessel would have direct consequences on the inner peer gods, right? Carrot hoped that Marron would know to keep that in mind. Well, of course he would, he was always so knowledgeable and sensible about such things...

 

How much hold did knowledge and sense have against dark depression, though? Obviously there was something up with Marron... Carrot didn't like to wonder just how much of it was to do with him, but he couldn't help but wonder, couldn't help but suspect... couldn't help but fear, more than anything else. If there were things affecting Marron, how could he know... how could he know if Marron wouldn't tell him anything! Marron seemed to have frustrations, but how far did he suspect Carrot's own frustrations?

 

Of course, if Marron didn't trust him enough to tell him things like that... Carrot wasn't sure if he could really blame Marron for that, either... for all of his talk to Gateau about responsibility, really, to think about it... how much of a good older brother was he for Marron? How much of a role model had he really been in the past, always shirking his duty during missions, seeing nothing important past the skirt of the nearest pretty lady... given things like that, Carrot felt only thankful that Marron hadn't followed his lead for such things. Indeed, for things like that, it seemed that Marron had ignored Carrot's influence rather than embraced it... Carrot didn't like to think what it would do to the group as a whole if Marron were to have followed such an influence. Out of anybody in the group, it was usually only Tira and Marron who had any clear focus on the mission, Gateau being busy posing, Chocolat being busy flirting and Carrot himself being too busy escaping the flirting and trying to do some of his own to people not Chocolat... Tira was generally level-headed but could get awfully distracted by her anger quite often... so when it came to it, could only Marron be relied on? Well, it wasn't that, but... he could usually keep a focus on duty, and his greater knowledge of the Spooner Continent's magic practices often saved them quite neatly...

 

Carrot sighed, staring at the floor as he walked along it. Perhaps he really wasn't a good big brother for Marron after all.

 

Maybe Monbran had been right, all those years ago. Not that Carrot liked to think that he ever would have admitted such a thing.

 

As the two of them walked past the doors and arches that would lead to the kitchens, a door further up the corridor opened; it was Milphey, cup in hand. Carrot glanced up at Gateau then over to Milphey, "Maybe Milphey's seen Marron around? You know how they can get sometimes..."

 

Gateau wasn't too sure how to translate that implication, but he generally agreed with what Carrot meant.

 

"Mmm..."

 

Waving one hand, Gateau called across the corridor.

 

"Hey Milphey!"

 

Milphey looked up and smiled before trotting obediently over to Gateau's call. He held the empty tea cup behind his back, smiling a cute smile.

 

"Gateau-chan, Carrot-chan, good morning! How are you on this grey and hazy day? Oh, Gateau-chan, I just had one of those teas, Marron-chan had one too, hopefully you don't mind..."

 

Having been about to ask Milphey of Marron's whereabouts, Milphey's little comment caught Carrot off-guard. He opened and closed his mouth momentarily, "Ah, you've, you've seen Marron?"

 

A nod, "That room I just came out of, he's still sitting in there. Unless he's escaped while my back was turned! Still, I think we would have heard him..."

 

"He's okay?"

 

"Well, as much as one could call Marron-chan 'okay' these days... I think the weather can sometimes have quite an effect on the way we perceive things. It's a lot harder to imagine the sunshine when only grey clouds cover the sky, don't you think? However, after a little chat, I think Marron seems slightly more cheerful somehow. Why, was there something you wanted to talk to him about?"

 

Carrot and Gateau spoke at once, "Not really" and "We were worried about him" both clashing in the silence of the corridor. Milphey glanced from Gateau (the former) and Carrot (the latter)... he decided to fix his glance on Carrot, "You were worried about him?"

 

"Well... yeah... a bit... just, Marron was apparently sayin' stuff to Gateau last night, and, uh, kinda... we just thought they were a little odd, and thinkin' about them, it's kinda like... y'know... is he okay kinda thing, y'know? Sayin' things like that, then suddenly we can't find him anywhere... anybody'd be worried..."

 

Milphey folded his arms while directing his gaze towards Gateau, "Saying what kinds of things...?"

 

"Well... he was all like 'I'm a terrible person' and 'help me' and stuff... and it's like... what kind of thing would he want help with? I mean, you're only gonna think of one thing if someone's all depressed and they want help, right? Then, as Carrot said, suddenly we couldn't find him, so it's like... y'know, we don't think he'd do anything stupid, but... well, we thought it'd be better to find him and make sure, y'know."

 

"I see..."

 

"So, uh... he's just in the room up there, huh?"

 

"Yes, we were just talking about abstract things over a cup of tea... come on, let's go back and see him, if you want to see him."

 

Gateau and Carrot followed behind Milphey who led them back along the corridor. They reached the door, Milphey knocked on it energetically then opened the door, just a fraction. He peered through the gap, not opening it fully... Marron looked up at him curiously.

 

"Milphey?"

 

"People here to see you, Marron-chan!"

 

"Ah?"

 

Milphey opened the door fully, allowed Carrot and Gateau to be seen. He walked into the room and was followed by the two of them... Carrot rushed up to Marron and dropped onto his knees in front of where he was sat on the sofa, "You okay?"

 

"Ah, that is... niisan?"

 

"I mean, you feeling okay? There's nothing up, is there? Nothing bad? Nothing you'd like, y'know... uh... well, y'know, even though it's not a nice day, I feel like going out to the city! You wanna come with me? I'm gonna make you come with me, actually. Spend some time together. Brothers. That kinda thing. I'll pay for anything you want! Though that said, I only have the money left I borrowed off you last week after I ran out... but, uh... that's... that's not important, maybe we'll get another mission soon and I can pay you back! That is, if that's okay by you... I mean, I don't have to pay you back, or anything... no, I mean... well, of course I have to pay you back, but I mean, you don't have to spend more money on me like that, that's what I mean. We don't need to buy anything! Though it'd probably be nice to get some tea and maybe something to eat or something, though didn't Chocolat say this morning that she wanted to do a stew or something for dinner? Oh yeah, you weren't there when she said that... well, she said that, so like, we shouldn't fill ourselves up or anything 'cause dude, Chocolat's stews! Plus she'd probably get pretty pissed off if we couldn't eat much, she'd yell at me for filling up on junk food or whatever. So maybe we should just get like, a cake or a donut or something like that. Then again, you get kinda full pretty easily, don't you? Well, as I said, we could just go for a walk..."

 

Marron waved his hands slightly, "Niisan, niisan...! What's brought all of this on?"

 

"There's nothing wrong with a guy wanting to spend time with his little brother, is there? I'm not gonna let you question it, we're gonna go down to the city and we're gonna spend the rest of the afternoon there! Oh, but didn't you hurt your ankle back during that mission? If it's still hurt then we don't have to go anywhere... we could just sit in here if you wanted, or just walk short distances from here to there... maybe we could help Chocolat make her stew! You're good at cooking too, aren't you? Of course you are, we all know that. Man, Chocolat and Marron's colahabitatorative stew, that'd be like... the best stew ever! Maybe we should do that... but y'know, it's whatever you wanna do, wherever you wanna go... if you wanna go out then that's fine, if you wanna stay in then that's fine too. Let's just do something together though, okay?"

 

For a moment, while Carrot spoke, Marron could only stare at him. Carrot would be so enthusiastic to do things together all of a sudden...? He wasn't quite sure why Carrot would decide something like that... then again, Carrot did often seem very hurried in his decisions. Maybe sometimes he didn't think about the different things that he said, the different things that he suggested... however, Marron couldn't look into Carrot's eyes at that time and see anything other than the pure and honest intention to really want to spend time together.

 

If Carrot wanted to spend time with him, Marron thought, who was he to argue? Didn't he spend so many nights dreaming of times that he and Carrot could spend together? Not only in the perverted sense, there were also joys to be had dreaming of platonic time spent together... or at least, joy in the potential. To think of such things when they weren't offered could be somewhat trapping... yet here was an opportunity presented directly in front of him. Literally. Carrot was still on his knees. Marron smiled.

 

"If you insist, niisan."

 

Carrot stood up, "Na-ah, if it's something you don't wanna do or if there's more things or better things you wanna or gotta be doing, then don't let me disturb them! I mean, like, if you really wanted to do any magic study or stuff, I could leave you alone, I could leave you alone for as long as you wanted if you needed time alone..."

 

Milphey and Marron shared a momentary glance. He could, could he? Marron looked back to Carrot. No... even if Carrot would offer that... just for the moment, he couldn't take up that kind of offer. He shook his head, "No, no, niisan... I can't think of anything else I'd rather do. I'd... I'd enjoy that. If, of course, there's nothing that niisan would be doing, either..."

 

"Hey, I just spent ages looking for you, there are certainly better things than that! C'mon then, if we're gonna go, then let's go!"

 

Grabbing at Marron's arm, Carrot made to drag Marron over to the door.

 

"Ah-"

 

"Hm?"

 

"But, didn't Gateau also spend time looking for me...? Gateau, shouldn't we-"

 

"Let's leave him behind! C'mon!"

 

Carrot had Marron pushed out of the door before Marron could make any kind of protest. Taking advantage of that, Carrot then looked over his shoulder to where Milphey and Gateau were still standing in the middle of the sitting room; he nodded with a smile at Gateau, who seemed to understand. This was a time for the siblings, it seemed. Then, with a sharp slam, Carrot shut the door behind he and Marron and, presumably, left off for the city.

 

Milphey let out his breath, "... Whew! That was all quite hurried, wasn't it?"

 

"Sure was..."

 

"Did you want to go with Carrot-chan and Marron-chan? You didn't get much of a chance to argue, there..."

 

Gateau sat down on the sofa Marron had been sat on previously, shrugging.

 

"Nah, it's okay if they wanna go do their own thing. I mean, as we said, I was talkin' to Marron last night... but you know how Marron gets. Okay if he wants me to help him and stuff, but I mean, how much am I really gonna be able to help him... maybe spending some time with Carrot could cheer him up better than me trying to do anything with him could, I dunno."

 

"Would you want to be the one to cheer him up?"

 

"I'd rather not think about things like that at the moment, Milphey. Hmnf... I only ended up talking to Carrot in the first place 'cause there was something I wanted to ask him... I asked him, but I never did manage to get any kinda answer out of him, how annoying..."

 

Milphey sat back down, "What kind of thing was that?"

 

"Nothin' important... just something weird I'd wondered. Don't blame Carrot for not answering, I guess... I mean, who's gonna come out and even ask someone if they kissed their brother, let alone who's even gonna answer that..."

 

"Indeed..."

 

Really, there wasn't an answer to that... but, if Gateau was going to ask such things to Carrot... well, Gateau wasn't stupid, and if Marron was going to talk to him about things, then of course he was going to come up with his own conclusions as much as anybody else was going to. Milphey had memory of previous conversations... they'd more or less agreed that time, hadn't they?

 

Perhaps Marron was right. Something had to happen, and from the sounds of things, from the suspicions and thoughts across Eden, something had to happen soon... but what? With who? Milphey couldn't be sure.

 

However, he couldn't deny to himself that he thought it'd be rather interesting to find out.