Sorcerer Hunters Fan Fiction ❯ Skin Deep ❯ Chapter 1

~Skin Deep~

 

 

 

My body is clean; I feel fresh, somehow.

 

I had a bath just now, niisan. I don't know if you knew, were aware, or if you even care, but... it's what just happened, and I gaze upon you fondly as I return to our bedroom, wearing a towel tied slightly around me. The gap from one room to another requires little when I am only to be changing into a nightshirt upon my return. Modesty persuades me into that movement, there really is no need... no eyes shall watch me from here to there, as I see you I notice you are asleep, and even if you were awake, there would be little need to feel embarrassed under the gaze of your eyes.

 

There would be little need...

 

There should be little need...

 

Still, nevermind that. The air is warm and my bath was warmer. My hair still clings to me from where I couldn't prevent it falling into the water; I should brush it before I sleep, any effort to minimize tangles in the morning. Though, my hair never did really get so tangled, did it niisan...? Still. Even so.

 

It is dark outside. We came back later than normal and slept later still, but sometimes some missions do tend to overrun like that. It can't be helped. Perhaps if we're lucky we won't have a mission for another few days and tomorrow we can afford ourselves a lie-in, but that would only be if we were lucky. It is far more likely that we shall be rudely awoken after far too little sleep and be expected to chase another Sorcerer across the landscape, but that is our raison d'etre, and sleep or no sleep, we are expected to fulfil our duty.

 

I have just washed but I am not clean, niisan.

 

Wake up and look at me. Look at these hands. Do you see the blood that stains these hands? I can see it all too plainly. Perhaps it is not visible in a sense, but... it is there, and mere soap and water cannot wash the blood from these hands.

 

It's duty. It's necessary. It's what we're told to do.

 

We don't have to.

 

I don't have to.

 

I am powerful and you tell me so, niisan. So cherish my power. It is power on your behalf, after all.

 

No duty is important. No duty matters, and the problems of the populace are their own. What business is it of ours to interfere with countryside tradition? So a Sorcerer oppresses the local area. Have they not always done so? Will they not always continue to do so? We can have an impact but it may not last. Yet we carry on. We do as we are asked, nothing more.

 

... I do as I am asked.

 

Some cases are more tragic than others, but one cannot afford to be too moved by everyday squalor and tragedy. On this Continent, if you are not born to the right places by the right parents, all you can do is await salvation as the hands of another. At our hands. Our hands are all similarly stained, after all; we all kill as is the line of duty, we do what we must to fulfil our mission.

 

My hands are stained not through murder, niisan. Not solely through that. We all murder. You can run away from it, but you cannot deny it. We extinguish human life as we would a candle's flame; people with lives and minds and thoughts of their own are cut down and cut short by our interfering. We do it because it's right, do we? It cannot be justified and so we must become distant. To allow it to play upon your mind too greatly is to become weak, to allow compassion to stand in the place of duty.

 

Such a hollow, empty duty that that is. I am too clouded by an emotion, and that is what stains me.

 

Wake up and see me, niisan. Look at me, and think about it. Am I not young? Do I not look innocent? Am I not kind and gentle, loyal and devoted, powerful and just?

 

How many lives ended by seeing my form in front of them? How many of them saw not even that before death claimed them?

 

Some say that killing is a sin, but we are working on behalf of the heavens; if not Big Mama and her arguably god-like status, then the gods within us... we are different and we are powerful. We have powers others were not born with; I have powers of my own, just as you do, niisan. I am adept and I am ruthless and I fight for you.

 

Only you.

 

This is the path you have chosen, and I follow behind you upon it. I follow behind you and look out ahead of you and clear the path of any obstacle that may block your path... perhaps you don't even realise, but I try to keep your path clear. You cannot be thankful for that which you don't know is a blessing, but I protect you and shield you and keep you from harm.

 

People become weak if they are always protected. We protect those with no means of protecting themselves - does this not make them weak? I protect you constantly with my life. Does this not make you weak?

 

Rely on me and remain weak, niisan. Much as I would like to see you strong, for you to be strong would leave me with no need to protect you, and what little seems to keep us together would be gone. If I were not to protect you, what would I do...?

 

I drop the towel to the floor as I continue to watch you. You're so far gone within a dream, you do not notice me watching, do not notice my silence, do not wonder on my thoughts. Somebody so simple in comparison... everybody has their complexities, but could you even speak your own mind to yourself? Would you know how to express yourself, or are your feelings merely feelings and nothing more? Do you not even try to understand...?

 

Perhaps I could long for that. To feel an unexplainable emotion and be unsure why, to not care why. You cannot understand my thoughts, niisan... I kill for you and would die for you. I have killed more people under your title than for any other reason; for a Sorcerer to be oppressing Parsoners is terrible, for a Sorcerer to threaten my brother is unforgivable. We do not know so many of the Parsoners we deal with... a Parsoner dies, we are sad, we forget, we move on. For you to be hurt... it would be a constant reminder of my failing. You are with me every day, every night. You walk alongside me, you sleep alongside me, and the slight gap between our beds does not dissuade me. I watch you and I want you, and that is also what can't be washed away in the bath-tub.

 

I long for you and I need you. What else can I feel for you but everything, niisan...? If we were so completely together then we would be as one and would have no need for anything or anybody else. We might not have to hunt Sorcerers. We wouldn't need the others. You wouldn't need anybody else. We could be alone and we could be together and that, would be all.

 

I would relish that. That is not you. You may despise such an arrangement. In my dreams we are perfect. In my dreams you are perfect and I adore you, in my dreams I am perfect and you desire nothing but me.

 

People do not look at me and immediately think me a cold murderer, but what else can I be when I do not even hesitate to take the life of another human if it's suitable to my own reason? People do not look at me and think of my dark desires, of the brotherly lust that consumes me... surely they would not think such a thought as rational.

 

There was that saying that mother always used to tell us, wasn't there? 'Cleanliness is next to godliness' or something similar, whatever that was supposed to mean. Usually she said it after you'd fallen over in the mud for the umpteenth time... but the irony touches me. We work on behalf of holy orders more or less, do we not? Yet if cleanliness is indeed next to godliness then I sit on the right hand of the devil himself; my body is sullied by my own touch, and by my physical acts that end the lives of those we - I - deem unworthy. My mind is poisoned by thoughts of you, and what with the blood and the semen that would mingle as one within me, I can never be clean.

 

This room is nearly completely dark and I am naked still. The moonlight streams patches onto the floor, but I stand in the darkness... I can faintly see my hand in front of my eyes, my skin so pale. My body still feels warm from the water that touched me not so long ago... I am cleansed, on the outside. Any dirt dispelled so harshly that perhaps I were marked, but those marks have faded now, and my skin is pale once more. Pale and clean. My skin is clean and my body is tainted by mind and oh, how I wish you could physically taint me. Part of me would be loathe to steal your innocence from you, no matter how willing either of us were, but if it is not me then it'll only be somebody else. You let your libido control you so, niisan. Direct it towards me, I would not mind.

 

I stare at you. You breathe so slowly... up, down. Up, down. Up... down. That lump in the sheets that is you is mesmerizing to watch, and I could watch you all night. A strip of moonlight cuts you in half, and I watch what I cannot see and imagine what I cannot. Tonight is warm, niisan... do you so need that sheet to cover your body...?

 

Ah, but my thoughts are so compromised of many such paths as that. Show me things you would never show other people, niisan. Ask me of the sins I commit in your name, and I could list so much. Murder... lust... greed, need, want, envy, jealousy, protection to the point of blissful innocence... ignorance... anything you could name, I do it for you, niisan.

 

Perhaps all of that could be forgiven... I murder as part of my job, I protect as part of my fraternal commitment to you. All could have a reason and all could be forgiven, but for one thing.

 

I feel no guilt. I do not care that people die, if they have died for hurting you or even threatening to do so. I lust after my closest blood relative, and rather than shun those thoughts and feelings I revel and delight in them...

 

Guilt could lead to redemption. I know I have sinned and I know there is no forgiveness; I could be punished by God and not care, knowing that you meant so much more to me than a vague and vengeful god... and are we not imbued with godlike power ourselves...? My brother houses the God of Destruction within him. Destruction is the most total and powerful force... what could fight against Hakaishin and hope to survive?

 

If I am to be punished for my actions and thoughts, then so be it. Even if I am punished, I can relish such punishment knowing that it was taken on your behalf; it was through thoughts and feelings of you that gave me my punishment.

 

If I cut myself, I bleed. It is blood that we share, and it is blood that I could relish... sometimes I bite my lip as I masturbate to thoughts of you, a futile attempt to silence myself when you are so very nearby in the bedroom... it doesn't work, and often I taste my blood as I climax. Is it wrong to savour that taste and that feeling, thinking on how your blood may indeed taste the same as mine?

 

Perhaps you would let me lick your wounds, taste your blood. If you were unconscious and I tended to you then I may just dare. You are rarely unconscious though, and most of the time it is Tira who tends to you. Sometimes I may feel resentful, but I know it is for the best. She can tend to you innocently and with a simple wish for you to heal and become healthy once more; that is the whole point, is it not...?

 

If it were me I would massage my fingers to your wounds and transfer the magic to you with all sorts of untoward feelings. The warm numb feeling of a magic spell cast to heal... does that feeling not remind you of something else, niisan...? This touch is for healing, but might you not imagine it was for something else...?

 

For I certainly do.

 

Niisan... you remain so unaware of the monster raised in place of your innocent little brother. I once could have been entirely satisfied with our brotherly relationship, but that is no longer enough... I am guilty of so much, and all in your name. Even worse, I am guilty but I don't feel guilt... if you are harmed then I feel like I have failed - should I not feel that on a more global scale? Surely I would be a better person for it...

 

I don't want to be a better person. I want to be yours, and only yours. If I could escape this world and take you with me... if we could escape this world... would that not be nice, niisan? You and I, alone together...

 

You would not wish for that, I suppose... but the strength of my wish can make it up for the two of us. You may not be complicated but surely you can recognize emotion...? Recognize mine and respond in kind, I beg of you. My need cannot remain purely mental for so long... one day, something should happen, though I cannot speak of what...!

 

I would wish to take your innocence and keep it for my very own, niisan.

 

Keep it as a kind of replacement for that which I never had, perhaps...?

 

Perhaps then I should feel guilt, as I do not do so today.

 

It's too warm for a nightshirt; I fall into bed still naked, and shift beneath the sheets of my bed. You are still obscured by them, and I wish they would move... I wish you would move. Perhaps if you moved... if you rolled over, perhaps you would take the sheets with you, and they would fail to cover you, and I would be able to see... showing off some skin in a moment so silent it feels like it could have been performed only for me, a movement so for my own sake that even you did not notice it. You unconsciously feel too hot. You roll over. The blankets are gone, you feel cooler; you do not feel my eyes fixed so closely to your skin, wishing to see more, always wanting more, desperately wanting more...

 

I sit up, gathering my sheets around me. Perhaps if you were awake and I were asleep the situation could be reversed? You'd watch me, a certain look in your eyes... you'd watch me and think me so pure and innocent as some are apt to do so. Maybe you'd watch me salaciously, and wish to destroy that innocence...

 

No, you wouldn't think anything akin to that. Though I fervently dream that you would.

 

I dream of you pursuing that thought also, niisan. Coming over here so wordlessly, I'd be abruptly awoken to you throwing the sheets to the floor and my nightshirt from my body (if I were wearing one). Perhaps I would feign shock, "What are you doing, niisan!?", but you wouldn't answer. You would kiss me so harshly and take me so roughly and I would cry your name loud enough for anybody in Eden to hear. We would not mind if they heard.

 

Perhaps we should even wish them to hear, niisan... they would stand at the door, so absolutely shocked to see me pinned to the bed and impaled by you; I could put my arms around you and smirk at them. Smirk at them as if to say "He is mine... and I am his". The Misu sisters would be so shocked, would they not? In another situation perhaps they would desire to punish you, but even that urge would be taken from them, I think. Gateau would learn that his pursuit is one doomed to be fruitless, for I can never see him as I see you, niisan.

 

My ears prick to hear movement from your bed; ah, indeed you have moved. Thank you, niisan. You were obviously attuned to my silent thoughts... you are wearing a nightshirt, white and vaguely visible even where the moonlight does not cast itself over you. Where it does, however... your nightshirt does not cover all of you, and you moving on your bed caused it to pull up around your waist. Your sleeping form does not mind, that would at least feel cooler... oh, niisan. On your bed, on your stomach, pillow hugged to you... you are naked from the waist down, and I watch as if addicted. You barely move, but I watch you so intently...!

 

I want to leave my bed and kneel by yours, sit and just watch. Anything I see, I desire more, more... I see you lying in bed, and I love to be able to watch you while you can't realise. Though, covered by sheets, can you not move those...? So... you do, and I see you wear a nightshirt. Take it off, niisan. I want to see your body unsullied by cover; I wish to see all of you, but my view is fettered. Even if you were to take off your nightshirt somehow while you slept, I should still want more... it would not be enough to just watch you, niisan. To touch you... I should like to touch you, feel you touch me... should like to taste you, lick your skin and nip your flesh and taste your blood to find if it really was so similar to mine... and lower down, I would taste something different, and surely that could only be that which was you...

 

My craving scares me in such a delirious fashion, niisan. To think of you is to be lost in thoughts of you; to touch myself to those thoughts is to be lost in my own touch that I imagine is yours, and the thought of your touch takes me further still.

 

I cannot say anything for I would not wish to scare you, niisan. For all of my thoughts of what we would do, I know that the life I live does not align perfectly with the life in my mind; I dream of you fucking me so brutally, but I don't think that you honestly would. I think you'd be too considerate, too worried about hurting your partner to really be so feral... and that was assuming you'd ever consider another man in that fashion in the first place. Perhaps it would be your place to be taken, and indeed I would take you if you asked, but the likelihood of you asking is so incredibly minimal...

 

I also wish for you to remain innocent, niisan.

 

Your eyes, when I dare look into them... you indeed act in such perverted ways, but... it's difficult to explain. You are perverted, but your perversion is innocent... your thoughts are not similar to mine, in any case. You seem almost entirely drawn to the physical, and that is so different to what I want. Were it only the physical I craved I would have caved to Gateau's attentions long ago.

 

If you were to satiate your needs in the ways you so often seem to crave, would so much change come the day afterward? Especially if it were to one of the many random girls that we meet. You wouldn't be so callous as to love and leave a girl, but what kind of relationship would result from that? Either something sweet or something non-existent.

 

You could be happy with simpler things, I suppose is what I'm trying to say. Not everything is so deeply significant to you; there are things that you do without worrying about the consequence.

 

However, you... I don't think I could ever tell you all that I feel for you. I think you may hurt me unintentionally, say things that I would read entirely too much meaning into. Of course, this is as we are now, niisan... I listen to you and I analyse you, and I feel that I know you more than I know any other... but while I know you, feel I know you... do I really know you...? We speak, but can we even talk to each other...? One can live a life without living, niisan. I fear I am too enraptured in thoughts of you to continue on with anything other.

 

Still, what else is there that I could hope to do? We are Sorcerer Hunters, and until the end of our days, we are bound to hunt Sorcerers in any way we may wish. This is our lifelong duty, and we have nothing else to do. If we were not Sorcerer Hunters, we would only be Parsoners... and as Parsoners, we could only wait on others to save us from the tyranny. We should be pleased with our place in society, niisan; we are above the Parsoners, and we are yet above Sorcerers, almost... Sorcerers are numerous and powerful, but we are the ones who kill them. Parsoners who kill are usually killed in turn, and deaths amongst Sorcerers are rarely heeded. We are the exceptions; we are the ones who get away with it.

 

I... still fear for you though, niisan. You have an innocence that I do not, and I do not wish for you to lose that. Even more fervently, I wish for you to keep your life... you're so trusting, and sometimes you act rashly... you would happily walk into a trap if it were a pretty face that led you there, and I am worried that that will one day be your undoing. You are my reason, niisan... reason for love, reason for life, reason for duty. You are everything to me, and just as you have your weaknesses, you are my weakness. If something were to threaten you, I would do anything to free you... I would kill, cheat, die, murder, steal, anything. Anything at all. Anything for you.

 

Looking over at you again... some people might question, is it really all so worth it...? I look at you, and sometimes I wonder that too. You, you're just one person... one of the many thousands on this planet... is it really right that I should kill so blithely in your name? Is it right that so many people have died for you, died because of you?... No, probably not. But, more often... more often I look at you, and I think that... even if it's not right, it is at least worth it, even if only in my eyes. If I can protect you from this world, then it's worth it. If I could keep you in this bedroom and stop anything and anybody from harming or corrupting you at all, then I just might... but you are your own person, and you need to live as much as anybody else. I can live vicariously through you, I can watch your actions and be content. There are things that make you happy that displease me, but... I cannot look at your smiling face and be displeased. I can be envious at the reasons for that joy, but the joy in itself... how can I deny your happiness...

 

I wonder if you would ever realise anything about me, niisan. Likely not. Always asking me why I don't go after girls like how you do, only barely seeming to realise that they hold no interest for me... the train of thought is simple, for you. If I don't like women, then surely I must like men, and in that case, why have I not attached myself to Gateau just yet...?

 

You, niisan.

 

It's because of you... it's because of you, and it's you I want. I don't want any person we might meet, I don't want Gateau, I want you. You can't realise that, but... it's the truth.

 

I fear there is more to this life and our existence than you may realise, niisan. The things that I think about are things you wouldn't even want to comprehend, and in that we are both greater than the other; I am the person who realises these things, I am the one who understands the deeper matters... but you are the one who can run freely from day to day life without worry, and sometimes when I see you like that I would wish I were like you. What might it be like to be able to run through life in such a carefree fashion? Perhaps you hurt the people who care for you, but there is no way you do so on purpose. Indeed, you might feel such guilt and regret if only you knew... but my mind tells me that you cannot know. It would hurt the both of us far too much, so... let me carry this pain, and I can carry it endlessly if it means that you can remain painless.

 

I really would take on any burden of yours if I could, niisan. If I could even take Hakaishin into my body, I would... I know you would not wish that of me, that the duty of the older brother might actually kick in for once and you'd rather have Hakaishin in yourself than in your younger brother, but... sometimes the thoughts worry me so deeply, and it amazes me that you can even sleep at nights.

 

Lord knows, I certainly have problems with that at times.

 

Knowing there is such a power within you, such a destructive power... a power that not only has the potential to kill you, but everybody on this planet...! How can you not be affected...?

 

It's because of that innocence, isn't it? That neverending optimism that everything will work out, that everything will be alright, flying in the fact of adversity only because you don't seem to know any better...

 

... and I still follow you, niisan. Even if it's pointless, even if it may seem hopeless, I... I'll follow you anywhere, into anything. I would follow behind you to protect you, I would walk in front of you to take the brunt of anything sent for you. This body is fragile, and it may as well be given for your sake than anything else. Even in death, my only regret would be that I had failed to continue protecting you.

 

You snore loudly, distracting me from my thoughts slightly. So loud, sometimes...! On nights like tonight when I'm finding it difficult to sleep, you don't particularly help me. Snoring so loudly... do I snore? Of course, it is not something one can know from experience... perhaps even you do not realise you snore. Perhaps I should pinch your nose while you sleep, that would make you quiet.

 

Still... for you to snore is sign that you are breathing, that you are alive. I would rather you were noisy than quiet while sleeping... I am used to you snoring, for you to be quiet would be sinister to my ears. Might your bed be empty...? Might something be wrong...? But no, you are snoring and I can hear you. Loud, but there. I can forgive you for that.

 

I would forgive you for anything, niisan. I wonder if I would earn your forgiveness so easily. If you really looked at me, niisan... I am the one who cries 'unforgivable' at the face of the enemy, but... am I really so forgivable in myself? So much I do that is wrong, that is unforgivable... and I can only justify it to myself because it works in my favour. Were my crimes to be examined, I know I would not be able to escape.

 

I smile and silently chide myself. Niisan, what am I doing? It's late, I should be asleep. You've been sleeping for quite some time now... why is it that such deep thoughts are only the more attractive when it's so dark and silent? There is something about the night that moves me, I think. While it is dark, while it is night... during this time, you are mine, and mine alone. Throughout the day our group is together and Tira and Chocolat pay so much attention to you... all I can do is to quietly watch you.

 

Come the night, there is this room that we share, and we are away from the others. The air in this room... we both breathe it, niisan. These beds are not far apart, if I were to lean over and reach across then I would be able to touch you... throughout the day I cannot risk to be this close to you, and it amuses me that we are naturally within feet of each other come the night. I should really be sleeping, but out of the choice of being able to sleep and being able to watch you without risk, I feel I could at least forego a little of my nightly rest in exchange for what I gain. Somehow I am able to watch you ceaselessly, niisan. I don't grow tired of watching you, even though you are motionless...

 

On times like these, I wonder what feelings Gateau holds for me. Often he seems to watch me as intently as I watch you, niisan... though with none of the subtlety that I afford you. Perhaps he thinks me more likely to respond to him if his motions are obvious... they are obvious and they are shameless and I can only pity him, pursuing somebody so distant to him in such an unsophisticated fashion. I dare say, if there were any way to attract my attention, it would not be in the ways that Gateau seems to think.

 

Perhaps if my eyes were not so solely focused on you, then I may have been able to look upon him in a more favourable way. As for the way things are, I can only sigh and ignore him. We are both determined to our cause. I realise my pursuit is hopeless; I wonder if he does also?

 

Niisan... do you know what amuses me the most, though? Do you know what it is that Gateau says to me that honestly makes me want to laugh?

 

He tells me that I'm beautiful.

 

If anything, it's a sign that he really does not know me at all, though I wonder if anybody ever will... perhaps not. Perhaps it is best that only I am aware of myself. Even so, though... he thinks I'm beautiful. How misguided.

 

I don't doubt that, to his eyes, I am attractive. The beauty he speaks of is perhaps purely physical; he sees something that I don't in this form of mine. I look at myself in the mirror and I only see the face of somebody who lusts after his own brother. I can relax in the knowledge that I am the only person to realise that, but I cannot see anything beautiful in that reflection. This exterior hides something altogether more horrifying, niisan... we are no better than the Sorcerers that we punish, I am no better than those people we are sent to kill... perhaps I am indeed beautiful, but... is that not another saying? Plain Parsoner women chuckling to themselves, 'beauty is only skin deep!'... I am tempted to agree with them. Even the ugliest of demons can be hidden behind the prettiest of masks.

 

Do you think that I am beautiful, niisan? I should like it if you were fooled, like Gateau seems to be. Perhaps I could feel a beautiful person if you were to think so, if you thought so and told me so. If you spoke to me in your innocence, then perhaps I could fool myself, also.

 

I can forgive myself for anything if you are the reason... and you are the only one to make me feel worthwhile. It is perhaps something wrong, as everything else seems to be, to weigh so much on the well-being of one person... but it is also wrong to lust after your brother, wrong to kill... so much is wrong, and yet still we live happily. Tomorrow will probably be a sunny day, and you might go down to Facade to go shopping, accompanied by Tira and Chocolat. I can let you go, just for a day; I would be out of place in that setting. It amazes me, though... do you not see what is wrong with this picture, niisan?! How can you be so honestly carefree...?

 

Still...

 

I would rather this world remained exactly like this for as long as possible. The Sorcerers may be cruel and unjust, the Parsoners may cry tears of blood for the living hell they are subjected to... but that, that is their sadness and not ours. The Sorcerers, the Parsoners... they create the work for us to deal with, and it is our job. We are a necessity created for this unfair world... and for the freedom and power that we own and wield, I am glad of the cruelty of the Sorcerers, the frailty of the Parsoners. Were our births different, were we born as simple Parsoners in a dead-end town at the edge of the Spooner Continent, I would likely think different. I would hate my lot in life, would loathe the Sorcerers, would wish myself dead. In this way of life, I have a kind of freedom...

 

Though of course, in the end, everything boils back down to you, niisan. We are a team, and it is our job that keeps us together. We all have our skills and we all lend what we can to each situation we come across. Aside from that... if we were not a team, what reason could I have to walk so close to you each day? If we did not live all together here in Eden, then would we even have reason to share a bedroom?

 

It is perhaps unfair that we were born with these advantages, the Gods inside us, the circumstances of our birth... but that is what happened and cannot be changed. I won't question the events which brought us together, niisan - to question such matters of our birth and our situation, why, I may as well question our relation...! For if all of this is to have been matters of chance, may it not have been just as likely that you and I would not have been brothers?

 

On that thought, I sit up on my bed and look at you, really look.

 

How different things might have been had we not been brothers. Had we not even known of each other's existence... my life, which weighs so heavily attached to yours... I feel my life would have no purpose without you, but if I hadn't even known you...

 

I smile fondly, knowing that you still can't see me. There are an infinite amount of things that could have happened, on this Continent. An infinite amount of things that are unfolding and being decided at this moment... but the current circumstances are as they are, and I am glad of them. I am glad I was born as your brother. I am glad that we hunt Sorcerers. I do not mind that we have to kill, if it keeps you close to me.

 

So perhaps I really am quite evil, perhaps my inner thoughts are far more wicked than any of the Sorcerers that we face, but... nobody is aware. My inner thoughts are exactly that; my inner thoughts.

 

If Gateau wishes to think me beautiful, then so be it.

 

If I wash myself in the hope of cleansing myself, then I'll let myself be clean, even if only physically.

 

If you choose to be oblivious to my feelings, then I wish for you to be so. I would rather you remained innocent for as long as possible... for the time being, more than anything else, I wish to protect your innocence. I do not wish for you to be as corrupted as I feel I have become.

 

You make a slight noise in your sleep. Just a little groan, but my ears prick to hear it. It was a moment of your voice, even if it wasn't one you meant to issue... you're still lying on your chest, those pillows hugged to you. I wonder what you dream about? Perhaps your sleep is dreamless. I hope your sleep is comfortable, niisan.

 

The thing I find most ironic...

 

I can still watch you during these times and say silently to you, 'I love you'. For I do, niisan. I love you more than anything in this world, more fiercely than anything or anybody... and somehow, that emotion cannot feel tainted for existing. Anything else I can argue to myself, I can look upon it and see it for what it is, but... that feeling... there is no argument and it only exists for itself. There is nothing else about it... though that perhaps doesn't make sense. My feelings make sense to myself, but could I even describe what I feel...? Even to my own mind... it is just something that is strong, something that can never, ever be denied...

 

Perhaps it is not love so pure as some may feel... but it is an emotion that, I feel, prevents me from being the depraved, malicious being I sometimes think myself to be. Even as a child, I loved you - that was long before any such possessive thoughts were to enter my mind, that was many years before I even was aware of the sexual side of life, of my feelings... and still I loved you, niisan. No reason why, no explanation needed. I just did. I still do.

 

My mind may have lost the innocence it had as a child, but to grow up is to learn about the world, and if we are not as innocent as we once were, that is something we cannot help. To my mind it is only natural that I should learn of what sexual intercourse is and wish to do such things with you... after all, when we were young, we were told that it was something that people who loved each other did... and more than anybody else, I loved and love you. So it seemed a natural progression to feel sexual feelings for you. It is only through social interaction that I learn that such things are supposed to be 'wrong'...

 

I feel only what I can feel. If I am sinful then I would only be so by the definition of other people... my feelings are natural to me. I wish that someday you could understand that, niisan... I think you'd be able to understand. We both have feelings, after all.

 

Even if I cannot act on my feelings, I will watch you for as long as this life gives me... and as long as there is breath in this body, I will protect you. Perhaps I am truly immoral, but I only do as is expected of me, and I think we are all similarly tainted. But we endure, because it is all that we know. And you are all that I know, niisan. This world may be torn apart by social system, but... you are my world. I protect this world to protect you. Perhaps that is wrong... perhaps the end justifies the means, perhaps the means justifies the end. We all have our reasons for fighting; I fight for you, Gateau fights for his hatred of the evils of Sorcerers, Tira and Chocolat fight in the hope that one day they may surpass the powers of the man that they feared so deeply... we all have our reasons and there are arguments for and against all of those. As long as we do what Big Mama asks us to do, can our personal feelings really apply at all? If we kill the Sorcerer who is murdering Parsoners in his hideout, does it matter if we killed him for the sake of one thing or another...? We have still killed. We all have our justifications as well as our reasons, though I can't help but wonder about you, niisan... perhaps, like me, you fight because it is what you are asked to do, nothing more. What might your reasons be...?

 

You roll over in your bed, and now you're facing away from me. All I can see of you is your back, and much as I treasure that as I do any part of you, the movement reminds me that you are asleep and I should be also. I would dearly love to watch you all night, but I fear that would not be conductive to a mission, if we are given one in the morning. If my lethargy were to distract my attention long enough for you to be hurt, I would not be able to forgive myself...

 

Tomorrow is another day, no matter what it brings... and whatever it does bring, I wish to embrace as fiercely as possible. I wish to protect you. I wish to hold you. Even if it is only to catch you as you fall... I wouldn't let you hit the ground.

 

So I sleep now, niisan. Not that you realise or are aware, since you've already been asleep for a while now... but I will sleep, and hopefully I will dream of you. Perhaps of when we were children, and everything was so much more simple and innocent. Perhaps of a moment between you and me that I fearfully hope you could construe as more... perhaps a sinful dream of you and I, my mind making you act in ways you never normally would. I cannot help what I dream, but... if it is of you, then it is something I cannot help but treasure.

 

I fancy that you might dream of me, also. If I even remotely feature in your dreams, niisan, then I am honoured. Even if I were only to stand at the side of your dreaming haze, I would be happy that you had remembered me. I realise I cannot be the person whom you love in the ways that you wish to love, your feelings do not seem to have developed beyond mere lust, but... for the time being, I can sleep easy, knowing that you love me as a brother. Perhaps it is a little childish, but every night I do thank the unseen deities of this world that we are brothers.

 

Without even realising, you have made me what I am, niisan... for better or for worse. All I can do is thank you for that. Thank you silently, knowing that you wouldn't understand the reason for my gratitude. Knowing that you can't understand even half of what I feel for you.

 

I am glad of that. Let things stay like this forever.

 

Niisan... don't change...

 

I'll remain forever, if you will also.

 

I'll shelter you from this corrupted world with my own corrupted actions. I know that I cannot have you, however much I may wish... but I certainly do not wish for anybody else to have you either. If I cannot have you, then... nobody else will.

 

I can protect you from this world, niisan, but... I cannot be sure if I can protect you from the one most dangerous thing, that one most dangerous person... so... please... please...

 

Don't let anybody in this world steal your innocence, niisan.

 

Especially not your brother.

 

 

 

~fin~

4th of August 2004