Speed Racer Fan Fiction ❯ All of My Heart ❯ Darkness ( Chapter 1 )

"I would have given you all of my heart
but there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I have
But if you wanna try to love again
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know."
-- The First Cut is the Deepest, Sheryl Crow

Darkness had come. With it had been a piercing chill then a suffocating numbness. How long ago it had been, he couldn't say. He just knew that it had come. With it had been a blow of some kind, again something he couldn't remember. He only knew that it had been terrible, especially if he hadn't wanted to remember it. What had happened? Why had the darkness consumed him? How long had he been in this place, this numbing dark place? Did it even matter to him anymore?

'Guess not,' he reasoned. 'If it did, I'd probably be more inclined to fight.'

Fight. The will to survive. They had fled him. He knew it. The strange thing was he no longer cared anymore. Everything changed. Fighting it had only cost him. What it had cost him, he could no longer say. He couldn't feel much anymore. He just knew. He knew that his arms were held close to his body, almost in a hug, with some strange fabric, his jacket, and he knew when they came to him, bringing him things like food and medicine and . . . treatments.

Like now. He knew that food was coming. Food and people. It didn't matter if they treated him like some caged animal. He'd come to expect it from them, the physical pain of it long since disappeared. His . . . treatments were the only things that he felt anymore, the only indication that he still lived. The door to his room clanged open and a few people entered.

"Good morning, Mr. Racer!" a female voice chirped. "Time for your breakfast!"

The female - he could tell by her footsteps - strode over to the window and pulled open the blinds. He winced in the bright light of morning and turned his head away from the window. It was all he could do anymore. They had already seen to it that he stayed in bed until they released him.

"You have quite a busy day ahead of you!" she announced, somehow making it a production of spoon-feeding him his pills, which he took without complaint, and some flat tasting eggs and juice. "We're going to get you all nice and clean! Maybe even find some nice clothes to wear. Your wife, Trixie, is coming for a visit today!"

The name sounded familiar but he could no longer put a face to it. But he knew that he didn't like her. Not anymore. She smothered him and he knew he didn't like to be smothered. However, something inside of him stirred, something he couldn't identify.

'Wife? When did this person become my wife? If she's my wife, why am I here, tied to this bed? When did she become my wife? Do I want her as my wife? No . . . she can't be my wife . . . I'd remember something important like that. I don't have a wife.'

"I don't have a wife." His voice sounded faint, almost alien in his ears. Was that the first time he had spoken? It seemed like he had always known how to speak.

A metal utensil hitting a tray greeted his ears. He didn't even bother to lift his head to see what had happened. He knew. The nurse had dropped a piece of silverware -- possibly the spoon since that was all she ever used -- and now probably gawked at him.

"Get him ready," she managed to croak out. "You know what to do."

Immediately, the girl fled the room and it became dark once again. One of the orderlies had closed the blinds while the other climbed onto the bed with him. It didn't surprise him when this happened. They always did this once the nurse was gone. She rarely checked back in right away.

"Well, that was new," the one orderly commented. "Wonder if she'll give us some time?"

"I'm sure she will," the other stated. He just lay there, listening and his eyes staring at the ceiling. He knew their names - Harry and Geoff, he was sure - but it always took more effort to remember than it did to not remember. "The doctor won't be in for a few more hours anyway. Takes him that long just to get here!"

To that, the orderlies chuckled and he felt the other one climb in on the other side of his bed. One grabbed between his legs and massaged his groin while the other smoothed back his hair and kissed his cheek.

"You've been an awfully good boy lately, Speed. Would you like for us to untie your jacket this time?"

"Yes," he murmured listlessly. He knew what they wanted. What they always wanted. What he always gave them simply because it reminded that he was, indeed, alive and not wandering in some dark dream. Not to mention that he got some small amount of pleasure from their antics.

"Do you promise to be a good boy and to listen?"

"Yes. I promise to be good. I promise to listen."

He felt the jacket slacken as they both untied their respective ends. In a matter of seconds, it was off and he'd been situated into a kneeling position next to the bed, his hands resting on the side. His clothes were in a heap next to him but he didn't care. If that's what they wanted, that's what he'd give them.

Behind him was the orderly that had been on his right -- Geoff, possibly. It had become hard to tell them apart -- and in front of him was the other. They had stripped halfway at the very least.

"Here we go, Speedy," Harry smiled. "And remember, Geoff . . . no biting this time." The orderly gave a short, curt nod of his head, his signal for the other to begin. Speed let out a soft hiss as a burning sensation and pain erupted in his backside as Geoff's semi-hard member penetrated him. His fingers tightened as Geoff worked to find a rhythm. It always hurt in the beginning. Always.

`But the pain tells me that I'm alive,' he groaned as Geoff finally hit his sweet spot. `And I want to live again.'

"Do you want more, Speedy?" Harry cooed. He nodded. "Ah-ah . . . you have to say it, Speedy . . . no more nodding now."

"Yes . . . I want more," he moaned. "Please . . ."

"Very good." Harry patted the top of his head then nodded to Geoff once again. Two arms wrapped around his waist as Geoff leaned over him, thrusting harder and harder into him. His hands reached his penis and ran his fingers along the length. Harry scooted underneath him as best as he possibly could then added his own attention. Soon the three of them were moaning and gasping for breath. For every thrust downward by Geoff was met by an upward thrust by Harry. A little light entered Speed's mind as he reached his climax, ejacula hitting the man underneath him. After him came Harry then Geoff, all of them panting from the exertion.

"That'll have to do for today, Geoff," Harry stated, sliding out. "We better get him, and ourselves, cleaned up before too much longer."

"Got it, Harry."

The orderly pulled out, leaving him once again bereft of light and sensation. Idly, he wondered if he'd ever come out of his darkness while another part no longer cared. He had moments like this and that was all he needed.

* * *

"Are you sure that's what he said?"

The nurse nodded her head, wringing her hands slightly. Before her stood Trixie Racer, her husband, Rex, and a blonde-haired female wearing a doctor's lab coat.

"I'm sure, Mrs. Racer," she replied. "I told him that you were coming to visit and he said he didn't have a wife. Did you mention to him that you two were no longer married?"

"No," the brunette shook her head. "Never did. Always hoped that he'd come out of it so I could. Anyway, I'd like to see him. Is he ready for us?"

"He should be, Mrs. Racer. Would you like Dr. Johnson to meet you in the recreational room?"

"Yes," the woman stated, her eyes narrowed slightly. "That would be . . . delightful."

"Very well, ma'am," the nurse replied, repressing a shudder at the young woman's tone. Since her now ex-husband had been admitted six years ago, Trixie Vanderbucks-Racer had become their worst nightmare. She always asked how come he didn't respond to her, how come he had a glazed look in his eyes, why he was on so many medications -- a grand total of six -- and never seemed satisfied with their explanations. The woman never had liked Dr. Johnson, and it had become a well-known fact. Each year she tried to get a new psychiatrist for the troubled young man but each year it failed. Most of the psychiatrists immediately consulted with Dr. Johnson and felt it prudent to leave Speed Racer in his care and in this facility. The blonde that followed Mrs. Racer and her husband down the hall was probably another that they hoped would give them what they wanted.

'She just doesn't get it,' the nurse thought mournfully as she got ready for the afternoon med pass. 'Speed doesn't want to remember what happened. It's just too painful for him.'

With a sigh, the nurse went about her routine.

* * *

Trixie walked down the hall, her gaze straight ahead. Six years. Six years of her life had been spent trying to repair her former beau's fragile state of mind.

'Six years of visiting this hell-hole,' she scowled. 'Speed doesn't belong here. He belongs at home. With his family. I can't believe I let Dr. Johnson talk me into having him committed. And now the bastard doesn't want to release him. Says it's too dangerous, especially for Speed. What the hell does he know? No one will attack him. We've already arranged for that!'

"Now I will have access to his files?" the woman behind her asked.

"Yes," Trixie nodded. "Especially since you'll be taking over for Dr. Johnson."

"Providing he doesn't sweet-talk you, like he has everyone else," Rex added. The woman snorted.

"Don't worry. I may be just starting out but I have Speed's best interests at heart," she vowed. "Don't worry. I'll do what's best for him and not what Dr. Johnson wants me to do."

"That's very reassuring."

They entered the recreational room, which was emptier than what it normally was. Dr. Johnson sat at a far table, a young man with dark hair and unusually large, pale blue eyes sitting across from him. A straightjacket had been wrapped around the man and, Trixie was quite sure, tied in back. Behind the young man stood two male orderlies. They kept telling her he was violent but every time she saw him, he merely stared, as if he were a zombie.

'And that is going to change.'

Dr. Johnson, a man with rusty brown hair and a moustache, lifted his head when he heard their approach. He didn't even bother to smile at them but he did acknowledge them with a slight nod. Then he turned his attention back to his patient.

"Speed," he whispered, taking one of the man's hands into his. "Speed . . . Trixie and Rex are here to see you. You remember Trixie and Rex, don't you?"

To that, Speed stared straight ahead. With dismay, Trixie noted that he never shook his head, never spoke, and never recognized their names. He simply . . . stared.

"Dr. Johnson, we'd like to talk with you," she stated firmly. "In private, if you please."

He sighed but nodded. She knew he wouldn't be happy with what they were going to tell him but she didn't care. It was time that someone else took over Speed's treatment. When they were far enough from the man in question, Trixie got straight to the point.

"Dr. Johnson, my husband and I are not very happy with the way Speed's therapy and treatment have been going. There should have been some results by now."

"Mrs. Racer," he began, "we've been through this before. We have tried everything we could think of to bring Speed out of this depression he's in. Nothing has worked. I don't know what else to tell you. Believe it or not, there is only so much that I can do to help him. The rest is up to Speed as to whether or not he wants to fight this."

"You know, at one point, I would have believed you," Trixie stated. "But not anymore. I quite honestly believe that you want Speed in here for the rest of his life."

"You . . . what?"

"You heard me," she snarled quietly. "I believe you want him here, that's why you're doing nothing to help him."

"You think I want an otherwise healthy twenty-four-year old man living here? Are you insane, girl?"

"No. I'm not," Trixie stated coolly. "Your time as Speed's doctor is up. Meet Stacey Joyce, Speed's new psychiatrist."

He glanced at the woman behind them and sighed. "Mrs. Racer, changing Speed's psychiatrist is not going to change a thing."

"And that's where you'd be wrong, Dr. Johnson," came Dr. Joyce's reply. "I believe a change in doctor is just what he needs."

"A female doctor? Mrs. Racer, you're making a mistake. You know very well that Speed panics whenever there's a strange female around him."

"Our decision is final," Rex finally chimed in. "Transfer all of Speed's files to Dr. Joyce. Today."

"Very well, Mr. Racer. Mrs. Racer."

Scowling lightly, the older man left the room. Trixie felt her heart leap out of elation. If things went well, Speed would be home with her and Rex by the end of the week.

'He's so quiet,' she thought as she finally returned her gaze to the man who once had held her heart and still did, in some ways. 'He can't be that hard to take care of.'