Spirited Away Fan Fiction ❯ Kohaku's Quest ❯ Kohaku's quest ( Chapter 6 )

Chapter six; Hidden feelings

/ Chihiro /

<I seldom work out, only when I have a lot on my mind- and I really have a lot on my mind now. Work's fine; I am an illustrator for a famous magazine. My home is great; I enjoy the early rides to work and the evening silence. I have good friends and I visit my parents every other month. My life would be perfect if it wasn't for my lack of.... in fear of sounding dramatic... true love. My favourite quote about love comes from a cheap and lousy novel: "She felt how all her empty being turned into the one of a wonderful woman; a woman capable to love and to be loved." Silly, I know. But isn't love supposed to at least bring some change in your life more than at the physical level?

Push up-time, aiming for 50, impossible.

Me and Manani have dated forth and back for several years now, but he is no longer content with the arrangement. He wants us to create a common future. Wants us to move together. Wants us to settle down and within few years breeding children of our own. Can I accept the life of the mother? Do I even want to? What's even stopping me from it? Why am I doubting?

Here I HAVE it, the very thing every woman seems to long for; a man who wants to have a serious relationship. And I can feel nothing but sorrow and panic. I'm feeling tied and choked, a bird with broken wings, limited to express all within me due to the bond to Manani. And at the same time I feel like a wind blowing in an empty sky. Is there a joy in the force if no one can feel it? What am I babbeling about?

I am not a wind! This feeling in my chest, this squeezing golden ache who occasionally makes me feel as if I were about to explode...that is not the feeling of a wind! That's the feeling of a human. This restlessness and troubled feeling who makes me shift position over and over has nothing to do with birds. It has to do with me being unable to love Manani.

It's just that I do not feel it when I am with Manani. I do not feel love. Love I feel when I am alone.>

Frustrated, Chihiro banged her fist in the floor, hard.

<I will NOT think of that!>

She turned over, lying on her back and let her eyes see beyond the white roof above her. Using her inner eye and her hidden senses Chihiro felt more than saw the pale blue sky outside. It smelled of pollution and of threatening rain. From the east came dark grey clouds as a visible indication for the storm that was to be expected. Chihiro felt electricity and a hint of the metallic smell who appears before and after thunder before she let her inner eye sink back. Chihiro wasn't even aware of the fact that what she was doing was something very few people could do. One way to describe it would be that Chihiro had given her primary instincts more space, combined them with logic and then put it all into her sixth sense. It's not the correct explanation, but it do is one way to describe it. By using her inner eye, Chihiro could see through obstacles - in a wider point of the word. In this case the roof was the obstacle between her and the sky. Other times the obstacle was a lie who had do be forced in order to find the truth. And as any person who is unaware of his or her gifts, Chihiro used it without thinking. Even against herself. Her rejection of her own thoughts was therefore useless.

<So I really don't love Manani. Not even as a friend. But we've been together for... o dear, six years now. Since I was sixteen.>

Chihiro suddenly sat up with her eyes wide open. The deep brown eyes were now framed by dark long lashes, as most women have. Mascara is a form of magic, as is all make-up. Chihiro had totally forgotten to remove it before working out and therefore she now had black circles around her eyes. Luckily she was at home and no one would care. It was itching a little and that annoyed Chihiro badly, and her mood turned to angry black with a hint of purple and red despair in it.

<But I CAN love. I CAN! It's nothing wrong with me. I just can't force love to come when it suits me. Or rather when it suits Manani!>

Indignant Chihiro wallowed in evil thoughts about Manani putting too much pressure on her- that schmuck! - and being a victim in an unwanted relationship. Afterwards, she immediately admitted that no one forced her to stay with him and the pressure was fair and came more from herself than from Manani. She also mentally yelled at herself for even for a moment being willing to be a passive victim unable to act. That was unworthy! Deep down Chihiro could feel an echo of a little girl's limited possibilities in an unfamiliar and hostile world and the even darker feeling of a totally controlled life.

<Unfair things happen. They always do. But one has almost always choices to make along the road, and the possibilities continues. Even when everything seems hopeless, something unexpected can occur.>

Like the arrival of a child knowing a friends name.

<Coincidence is a possibility.>

Like the arrival of the one child knowing that friend's name.

<Coincidence explains a lot.>

Like the arrival of that special child, that special time? Being founded by that special friend?

<.....................>

Coincidence is just a word, not a possibility. Possibilities are. Coincidences aren't.

<That is all just a dream I had when I was sick! This is ridiculous, I'm fighting with myself!>

Yes you are, and I'm winning.

<How can I win over myself? How can I loose against myself?>

True. You can't. You will loose in one way and win in another. Soon you won't be able to deny the truth no more.

<What truth?>

Your long waiting is over!

"What truth?!"

Chihiro looked around, realising she was yelling to the wall. The little inner voice within her had vanished but Chihiro knew it wasn't gone. It was just hiding. It had come to her several times before and she reacted with anger every time. As if she could debate with her most inner self.

<I guess I can. But it's of no use. Being able to and being useful to do is of cause not the same thing.>

Chihiro crawled up from the floor, feeling cold and stiff. From active to stillness without stretching or changing of clothes always makes one frozen, but Chihiro opened a window anyway, letting the cold air in. Had to get rid of the smell of sweat. The she sauntered out the room, heading for her large, ultramodern bathroom - a gift from her company after her latest assignment, a long and complicated fairytale for elder children or even adults. Chihiro had a good job indeed.

<I'd better call Manani as soon as possible. How unwilling I may be, I must end this farce. It's time to be the adult I believe I am. This relationship is barren.>

Chihiro bit her under lip when she thought of the hard times which lay before her, but did not avoid them. Not any longer.

Somewhere within, Chihiros inner voice was thrilled and let a out several screams of joy.

The waiting is over! The waiting is over! The waiting is over!

Sighting and muttering, Chihiro limped to the phone, stiff and unwilling. With slow moments she dialled a familiar number and an increasing heartache pulsed along with the tones. And finally-

"Hello Manani, it's me. Yes, me too. But I - yes, that's right. But I - jadi, jadi, please listen! I did not call to chat. I need to talk to you as soon as possible. Will you be at home this afternoon? Very well, I'll come over within two hours. Do not leave, this is important. What? Yes I do sound serious. This is serious. No, you may not. Fair enough, I'll be there within an hour. Better? OK, see you then. Bye."