Sports Fan Fiction / Other Fan Fiction ❯ 'WWF Coliseum Video Review #2' ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Megane 6.7's Truncated Coliseum Video Review #2

'The WWF's Amazing Managers'

~ IT BEGAN OVER 5000 YEARS AGO WHEN MOOLAH WAS YOUNG...

~ Your host is Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan.

~ Bobby gets all professional to start, explaining the value of

managers, what makes a successful manager and how they are as

colorful and important as the wrestlers themselves. Cool stuff.

~ "Mr. Fuji & Magnificent Muraco v. Junkyard Dog & Ricky 'The Dragon'

Steamboat -- Hey, I thought this video was about managing? Oh well,

it's Steamboat so I won't complain. We start with some hilarity as

the crowd heat machine is JUST A BIT off as the sound of a

three count is heard and the crowd goes nuts... just as the wrestlers

begin to lock up. That's some quality production work there, guys.

Anyway, this match takes place a few days after the infamous hanging

of Steamboat by Muraco and Fuji. The faces clean house to start and

Ricky takes off his GI belt and wastes no time in choking out Fuji &

Muraco with it. Then Steamboat slowly whips Muraco several times

across the back with the soft belt. Geez, I haven't seen such a

brutal flogging since Lugosi v. Lobo.

Steamboat then cranks it up a notch as he viciously posts Muraco

before throwing him over the railing. Steamboat then slams Muraco's

head on a steel chair, grabs a second steel chair and proves just how

ahead of his time he was by giving Muraco a one man CONCHAIRTO(!!)

Granted, it was a prototype since the chair Muraco's head was resting

on was stationary but it's the thought that counts.

The action soon returns to the ring as Steamboat unleashes Flying

Karate Chops O' Death to hurt Muraco further before we're abruptly

clipped and much like Mr. Pither, Muraco has made an amazing escape

and now Steamboat's the one in trouble. Fuji and Muraco take turns

beating on Steamboat but it isn't long before we're clipped AGAIN

just in time for Steamboat to make the hot tag to Junkyard Dog who

delivers the worst looking closeline since Outback Jack and a Russian

legsweep that would make Bret Hart weep.

Fuji briefly turns the tide, miraculously without the help of

clipping, with a kick from the outside but Steamboat tags in and goes

postal on Muraco again, briefly stirring the crowd from their

collective coma. Meanwhile, Fuji prepares some ceremonial salt

(It blinds! It purifies! It gives flavor to eggs!) but Steamboat

nails Muraco with an enzuigiri, driving him into Fuji and one sunset

flip later, it's all over but the canned shouting. Afterwards,

Muraco and Fuji lay a beatdown on Steamboat until JYD makes the save

with his chain.

~ WWF Tag Team Title Match: Nikolai Volkoff & The Iron Sheik w/Classy

Freddie Blassie v. Barry Wyndham and Mike Rotundo w/Capt. Lou Albano

-- From Wrestlemania I, JIP. Iron Sheik is tagged in and he goes for

the Abdominal Stretch but as usual, fails to hook the other leg and

Rotundo breaks free. You'd think Rotundo would've learned from that

experience whenn he started using the Stretch himself as IRS but I

digress...

Hot tag to Wyndham and he cleans house on Volkoff. Wyndham hits the

bulldog but the count is interrupted by the Sheik. Wyndham pounds

Volkoff again until Blassie proves his managerial worth by handing

his cane to the Sheik to whack Wyndham, giving the big Russian the

pin. I hear it took three men to hold President Reagan back from

pushing the button right then and there.

~ Backstage Interview. Sheik and Volkoff gloat over their new titles

while Blassie denies all. (What cane? I didn't have no cane!) while

Heenan via voice-over slips in an appropriate pun for the situation

"A good manager knows one thing: How to *stick* with a winning

formula."

~ George 'The Animal' Steele v. Nikolai Volkoff. -- As we stand up

and respect Volkoff's singing of the Soviet National Anthem, we cut

to Capt. Lou backstage knocking on a dressing room door and yells to

George that he's up. George then emerges from the dressing room,

surrounded by police officers while the familiar chant of MINNNNNNE!!

MINNNNNNE!! MINNNNNNE!! is pumped into the arena as he walks down

the aisle. Okay, I lied about the chant.

Steele drives Volkoff out of the ring to start with FLABBY ARMS OF

FLAILING FURY! George follows up with a Space Flying Tiger Drop

before Volkoff takes control with an eyerake. As Volkoff lays in the

beating, a quick close-up of George has him looking quite

constipated. Too many turnbuckles, not enough fiber. George comes

back with a deliberate low blow as Blassie makes himself useful with

a few jabs of his cane. This brings Capt. Lou around to jaw with

Blassie only to get smashed with the cane. George comes out to help

Lou and also gets hit with the cane. Man, Blassie don't take crap

from nobody. Volkoff jumps George from behind, and wouldn't you

know it, it's a double countout! Well, ONE manager certainly made

his presence felt in that match.

~ TNT Interview with then Intercontinental Champion Greg Valentine

and his new manager Jimmy Hart. -- Valentine trash-talks Junkyard Dog

as part of his upcoming Wrestlemania match and Jimmy take credit for

bringing down Valentine's weight for the match. Man, you just don't

hear that sort of stuff anymore in regards to a wrestler's storyline

training. I can only imagine how that would work these days...

(Jimmy Hart: That's right, daddy! Chris Masters is trim, fit and

ready to take the world title, baby! He's been off the juice for

weeks now and he's already lost thirty pounds! Thirty pounds!

He's gonna run circles around that big slow Undertaker!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)

~ Interview: Bobby Heenan and Big John Studd. Heenan's voice-over

simply gushes over his own talent and the talent of his family

(stable). We see a brief clip of the $15,000 slam match at

Wrestlemania I between Andre and Studd. Heenan steals the money

back, of course.

~ TNT Advice to the Lovelorn with Bobby Heenan: A fan writes to ask

if wrestlers make great lovers. Heenan's reply: They're the second

greatest lovers in the world, next to managers. A sixty-nine year

old woman writes to ask how she can keep her husband's interest.

Heenan suggests losing the corrective hose and splashing on some

industrial cologne. [Vince: Janitor in a Drum? Heenan: Liquid

Wrench.] Vince then appears to legitimately crack up during another

question about a wrestling fan's husband's six inch scar turning her

off to which Heenan quips that she should be glad he has six inches

of anything. Funny stuff.

~ Andre the Giant v. Big John Studd w/Bobby Heenan -- Ah, Maple Leaf

Gardens... every time I see that elevated ramp, it reminds me of the

time my dad and I went to the Frank Tunney Sr. Memorial show where a

tag team tournament was being held and the barefoot team of Sika and

Kamala were taking forever to come out to the ring for their match

because some idiots at ringside kept surreptitiously tossing nails

onto the ramp to the point when the ring announcer had to plead with

them over the PA to stop.

Anyway, back to the match. This was during the haircut feud when

Andre lost his afro to the Heenan family and was looking for revenge.

We're JIP as Andre headbutts the living crap out of Studd before

Studd turns the tide and Heenan hands him a huge pair of scissors.

[Studd: That's the BARBER, John Studd!] Andre intercepts them however

and chops Studd down. Heenan goes after the scissors and gets belted

for his troubles. Andre slams Studd and starts to cut Studd's hair

until King Kong Bundy makes the save and splashes him four times

until the jobber cavalry arrives to drive them off. This would lead,

IIRC, to the 'Colossal Jostle' match between Bundy and Andre, which

inexplicably had Jimmy Hart managing Bundy that night. But that's on

another tape so moving right along...

And now, the main reason I spent five bucks Canadian on this thing...

~ TNT Segment: The Bidding of Randy 'Macho Man' Savage.

Randy Savage was the hottest prospect in WWF at that point and

looking for a manager. He's got three people at the bargaining

table. Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan, Jimmy 'Mouth of the South' Hart

and 'Classy' Freddie Blassie. Vince McMahon is moderator.

Bobby Heenan is first to speak and he considers Savage the #1

wrestler and himself the #1 manager. Blassie immediately objects,

pointing out that Heenan was recently fired by Paul Orndorff to which

Heenan coolly retorts that Blassie recently lost the tag team

championships. "At least I've *HAD* a championship!" Blassie roars

back. This is awesome stuff. Vince restores order as Heenan

promises to improve Savage's style of living, take him places he's

never been. Bobby says his record speaks for itself and he elevates

people to the main event. He promises Savage will be a rich man and

a rich man soon if he's signed. "Other managers make guesses, I make

decisions." Solid pitch there.

Jimmy Hart tries a economic approach and declares himself a

discount, cut-rate manager who will save money for Savage and give

him the best possible deals for minimal cost. Heenan sarcastically

asks if Savage would rather shop at Beverly Hills or K-Mart. Hart

fires back by accusing Heenan and Blassie of taking too much money

for their service and offers to work for less money and produce

better results. (Heenan: There's a bird call named after you, it's

called CHEAP.) Still, Jimmy makes some good points.

Freddie Blassie immediately brings up the fact that he's the only one

at the table to have managed a world champion. He has diamonds to

spare and wads of cash to throw at Savage. Blassie then brings up

Savage's clothes (mostly denim) and promises to dress him like

Liberace... Oooooo-kay. Then Savage removes his jacket to reveal a

sequined tanktop... suddenly Blassie's promise doesn't seem so silly.

Finally, after some more squabbling, Blassie plays his trump card:

He'll top anybody's offer by 25% and he won't take a penny of

Savage's money until he wins the world title.

Game, Set, Match: Blassie. Or so it would seem. However...

~ Randy Savage v. Jim Young -- Heenan, Blassie, and Hart accompany

Savage to the ring along with Mr. Fuji and Johnny V. Savage wastes

Young in less than a minute and invites the managers into the ring to

announce his decision. He thanks each of them in turn for their

interest and advice and finally introduces his choice... The Lovely

Elizabeth. The crowd is in awe, as are the managers, despite having

just lost Savage. Jimmy Hart even offers to hold the ropes open for

her, only to be stopped by Savage, kicking off six years of

mistreatment until he finally apologized by holding the ropes open

for her himself during their reunion at Wrestlemania VII. And

history is made.

~ Uncle Elmer and Cousin Junior w/Hillbilly Jim v... screw it.

~ TNT Interview: Jimmy Hart and Classy Freddie Blassie. This took

place before Savage announced Elizabeth as his manager so tensions

are still high. Hart and Blassie deny sniping at each other during

the bidding and Vince McMahon even tries to start trouble by claiming

Blassie called Hart a cut rate manager when Jimmy used that term to

describe himself as a selling point! Continuity anyone? The

conversation quickly switches to bashing manager Capt. Lou Albano

before we cut to...

~ Mean Gene standing in the ring to announce the results of the 1985

WWF 'Manager of the Year' award as voted by the fans (Yeah right.)

along with Hillbilly Jim, Capt. Lou Albano and Bobby 'The Brain'

Heenan. Studd and Bundy are outside the ring. Heenan grabs the mike

from Gene and announces that the other managers have given their

votes by proxy to him in order to prevent Capt. Lou or Hillbilly Jim

from winning. So Hillbilly Jim gives his votes to Lou making him

manager of the year. Heenan is livid and wallops Albano from behind

with the trophy, knocking him cold while Bundy and Studd lay the

beatdown on Hillbilly Jim, who does a pretty good spittake as Bundy

splashes Granny's moonshine out of him. Heenan smashes the trophy

to pieces, keeping the nameplate for himself and shoving it at the

camera in defiance. And really, who are we to argue with the Brain?

~ TNT Interview: Capt. Lou Albano. Heenan's voice-over expresses

disbelief and disgust over Capt. Lou getting his own upcoming video.

I can only imagine how much money and booze it would take for Scott

to review THAT tape. This leads into our final match with Albano

which Heenan warns us will probably make us sick so get the Rolaids

out.

Tom Servo: <Scott Keith> I love shoot comments that aren't supposed

to be shoot comments.

~ Afa & Capt. Lou Albano v. Pedro Morales & Andre The Giant. --

Mercifully, Albano is wearing sweatshorts over his wrestling tights,

thus sparing us any eye crippling buffalo shots. We have major

clipping here, and thank god for that too, as Afa comes in and runs

smack into Andre's butt, selling it like he just ran smack into the

flabby ass of a 500 pound giant. Andre then dips into his little

known array of women's wrestling moves and stands on Afa's hair

while pulling on his arms. Afa takes control again briefly and

headbutts Andre down to the mat, enforcing a gospel rule of wrestling

that even someone with a head as big as Andre is no match for a

Samoan's skullplate.

Lou Albano is tagged in to attack Andre but since he's not Samoan,

he's immediately busted wide open by a Andre headbutt.

Unfortunately, Albano's selling is roughly equal to Giant Gonzales as

he stumbles and spins instead of collapsing to the mat in a bloody

heap. No wonder Foley made fun of him in his book. Finally, Albano

casually steps out of the ring after a punch, having not gone down

once the entire match and Afa is quickly finished off by Andre with

the big boot and pinned by Morales.

Final Thoughts: Well, despite a couple of cool moments here and there

and the awesomeness of the Brain, there wasn't a lot of insight into

what a manager really does to help their wrestlers out. Even the

clips of the managers wrestling didn't really focus on them most of

the time. Not recommended to go out of your way for.