Static Shock Fan Fiction ❯ Alva And Lawrence ❯ Alva And Lawrence: We Defend You! ( Chapter 1 )
[ A - All Readers ]
By: Manga-Chick 
Don't doubt the bailiff...
Non Anime: Static Shock Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 12.14.2006 | Updated On: 12.14.2006 | Pages: 1 | Words: 2.0K | Visits: 788 | Status: Completed
Don't doubt the bailiff...
Non Anime: Static Shock Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 12.14.2006 | Updated On: 12.14.2006 | Pages: 1 | Words: 2.0K | Visits: 788 | Status: Completed
Warning: Immensely crackyfic! that makes no sense at all. And despite all the courtroom dramas I have seen coughHarvyBirdmancough, I’ve absolutely no sense in courtroom speak. I guess spoilers for ‘She-Back’. I think XD Just...don’t take it seriously. I’m sure things are exaggerated here.
Alva & Lawrence: We Defend YOU!
Edwin Alva, Jr., had truly made it as an attorney.
The courtroom was in shambles; it was normally this way whenever he had a case against the ever excitable Scott Gummer, who was, right now, presenting his client’s case. He was nervously chewing his nails as he eyed the man with a competitive glint–Gummer had a way of maniacally convincing the jury that his client was in the right. Gummer wouldn’t stop at nothing to get that fat paycheck–Junior was determined to win, today. The law offices of Alva & Lawrence demanded that he win this case. Domestic cases weren’t really his forte, but he was going to do his best and eventually get some respect from his old man.
“My client,” the purple-haired man began, fiddling with his silver hoop earrings before the judge, “is...uh...apologetic–yeah, good one!–about her actions as Dakota’s only registered supervillain, and my client–supervillain, hah! I’d say one woman army against the cruel dictatorship that is society discriminating against super-rising ‘entrepreneurs’–don’t be hating–about her recent, uh, accident against the plaintiff’s accusations, and is quite willing to settle out of court–”
“We’re in court NOW. The plaintiff decided NOT to settle,” the judge barked, a curiously neon-colored man that went by his last name, Leech, rolling dried skin between his fingers. Gummer jumped onto the witness stand to do a handstand at the edge, the jury holding up score cards. Junior shot rubber bands at him. “GET on with it!”
Gummer then righted himself, shouting into Leech’s deformed ear. The judge looked disturbed, then began picking at his ear canal with one absurdly dangerous fingernail. “Well, in that case, she’ll settle for an utterly punitive amount of four million plus one for the emotional damages inflicted upon her by THIS MAN!–”
And here, Mr. Gummer leapt onto their table and pointed accusingly at Junior’s client, Ebon, who looked affronted immediately. Junior quickly upended their table to shake the man off, and Gummer tumbled to the floor as he continued dramatically, “THIS MAN HERE has wrecked her emotional and mental state and rendered her feminine nature into that of a metahuman WRECK because he dared against her orders, and downsized her ego several times a notch because of his controlling and abusive issues! She will NOW have to undergo YEARS of therapy for her issues, and will always look at men in another light. Confident that they will betray her like the dogs they obviously were spawned from!”
And here, his client Madelyn, broke into tears that were obviously fake, glancing between her fingers to glare at Ebon. The jury gave sympathetic murmurs. Gummer hurriedly flung a box of tissues at her, knocking her head back. The jury ‘aww-ed’ as she hit the floor.
Ebon lifted an eye ridge, and leaned into Junior to whisper, “She’s lying. I ain’t giving her a DIME. I should be suing HER for emasculating ME.”
Junior patted him sympathetically, then closed his fingers over his with a comforting grip. Ebon gave him a startled look, then flung his hand off with a huff.
“As such, she turned to wrecking Dakota into a piling, smoking, nuclear mess as a due result of betrayal, suffering from PTSD, PMS, PTA, NRA–ALL from the cause of HIM not following their verbal contract into supervillainy! MY client DEMANDS monetary satisfaction and isn’t afraid to ask. You go, girl.”
“That woman is lying!” Junior shouted, rising majestically from his seat. “She isn’t under any emotional or mental stress! The gold-digger just wants money to continue living a lavish lifestyle as a newly founded metahuman supervillain, and my client will NOT pay a dime!”
Leech spit out his ear-wax covered finger and pounded the gavel on his forehead, roaring, “ORDER! ORDER in my court!”
Gummer leant on their table, giving Madelyn a wink and a thumbs up. “It’s in the bag, babe. By the end of this session, you’ll be overing on his lunch money for sure. No more Happy Meals for him.”
Junior approached the judge, picking up the bailiff and hurling him at Gummer as the man mimicked his every movement behind their table. The bailiff righted himself and returned to his post to smooth his comb over back in place. “Your Honor, I have reason to believe that this contract provided between them, made immediately after her forcefully escorting MY client from his controlled prison cell where he was determined to change his life around, was a female-made effort into trapping him within her controlling clutches. She’s in love with my client and is angry that he rejected her.”
People in the courtroom gasped as Madelyn whipped her head up in fury, Ebon’s mouth dropping open. The jilted woman jumped onto her table, powers flaring majestically, causing benches to rise, for the bailiff to float, for Leech’s dry skin to pull away from his skin. Junior frowned at his tie as it floated before his face while Ebon held onto the wall separating them from the public viewers that floated in lazy action amongst the benches.
“THIS IS ALL A LIE!” she cried, everyone covering their ears as her voice boomed in a feminine shriek throughout their minds. “I HAVE NEVER LOVED THIS MAN!”
Leech went to pound his gavel, but it floated out of his reach. He crawled over the podium to chase after it, but tumbled over the edge. The bailiff floated lazily over him while Junior stapled his tie to his chest with a pain-filled yowl.
“My client demands that this woman stop stalking him, harassing him, and to not punish him for trying to escape her controlling, abusive tendencies! Men are victims, too, dammit!” he then shouted, snatching at Ebon’s shoulder to keep from floating away, and looking into stretching shadowy skin with a grossed-out expression.
“I HAVE SUFFERED GREATLY DUE TO THIS MAN’S BREAKING OF OUR CONTRACT TO END STATIC’S CRUEL AND INHUMAN ACTS AGAINST OTHER METAHUMANS, AND I WAS WORKING TO SOLIDIFY SOLIDARITY OF EVERY MISTAKEN METAHUMAN AGAINST CRIMES COMMITTED TO THEM BY THE POLICE AND STATIC! AND FOR THAT, I DEMAND REPENTANCE...in money form!” Madelyn continued, finally taking her seat. Everyone fell from the air, hitting the hard floor in muffled grunts and groans.
Leech climbed back into his chair, and set his gavel down. The bailiff removed himself from atop of Gummer. Leech pounded a Swedish Penis Pump over the base, then quickly replaced it when he realized what he was using. “ORDER!”
“It’s utterly heartless what Ebon had done to my client,” Gummer continued, locating a shoe. He opened the bailiff’s pants and retrieved his undershirt to wrap around his head in a bandanna. “A lonely, destitute woman...in need of love and comfort...and a man determined to hurt her heart and RUIN her view of men and mankind in general! Zounds! As if there should be a need for more men-haters in this cruel world!”
He whirled upon the jury, ripping the undershirt from his head and waving it like a flag. “HAVE you EVER felt the heartache of a loved one ripping your heart and mind and soul to pieces just because they could?!”
The jury sniffled and dabbed at their eyes. Gummer blew his nose into the undershirt, then handed it back to the bailiff.
Junior slammed both hands on his table, saying determinedly, “My client is innocent! He was serving time for a crime that he hadn’t committed...pending...and was determined to turn his life around when this man-eater and destroyer of men broke her way into prison walls, sending him into a path of destruction over his own life and love...daring him to do things that he wouldn’t...controlling him to the point where when he questioned her motives, she threatened him with DEATH. This is a man frightened of a woman so capable of breaking his soul and mind–literally–and followed her only until he realized that what he was doing was wrong...so utterly wrong. And he sought to correct it. And the only way he thought it were possible was to...defy her. Tell me, ladies and gentlemen–what wouldn’t you do for your loved one? But is it SUCH a crime to ask one’s self...Is this the RIGHT thing to do?”
The jury thought about it, murmuring to each other. One blew her nose on another’s jacket. Another juror flicked a lighter and waved it solemnly in the air.
Gummer jumped up and down frantically. “NO! NO! DIE! SCUM! You play dirty!”
Junior ducked a butterfly knife to the head, Ebon shifting his shadowy body quickly to allow it to pass through him.
Leech looked away from tasting a dry flake of skin he’d found lying on the podium. “Such passion. Mad, mad passion can drive anybody crazy. Who ISN’T guilty of following a woman’s heart while denying their own?”
Ebon grabbed Junior by his tie. “THERE WASN’T SUCH A RELATIONSHIP!”
“Shh!” Junior hissed, snatching his tie back, ripping out the staple in the process. He looked down at his ruined shirt, at the blood that started to mar his jacket. He slapped a Post-It over it quickly, and rose from his seat again. “Your Honor...my client followed his heart. And she tore it to pieces. He tried to rectify his crimes with stopping her...can’t a man make up his wrongdoings and apologize for his actions with breaking a contract that was meant to hurt?! THINK of it! HUNDREDS of helpless, defenseless metahumans...following her every thought and whim and being unable to save themselves due to threatened DEATH! Being subjected to spas and pedicures and manicures and whatever it is women do to torture themselves...WAXING! TWEEZING! God, the humanity...Ebon SAVED Dakota and STATIC by defying her! If not for Ebon, we might all be sporting highlights, denied sex, football, chicken wings, Hooters and Spike TV! Mankind was in for RUIN if she had her way!”
Leech shuddered, briefly flipping his robe to examine his hairy chest. He touched the curls lovingly, shuddering once more at the thought of Madelyn pulling a strip of wax from his body.
“Fuck that. She’s guilty,” he announced, pounding the gavel on the podium.
Gummer threw himself to his knees while Madelyn looked aghast. Junior grinned at Ebon, both of whom shook hands. Ebon then administered a nuclear wedgie, took his wallet, and quickly teleported out of the room.
“Noooooo!” Gummer howled as Junior sought to pull the waistband of his underwear off his head. “This is misogyny! Hatred toward women! All of you are women-haters! This is a low blow in women’s rights, allowing this man to wander free–! Ah, the hell with it. Let’s hit Hooters for some drinks. I’m thinking chicken wings and bloody rugby.”
Alva & Lawrence: We Defend YOU!
Edwin Alva, Jr., had truly made it as an attorney.
The courtroom was in shambles; it was normally this way whenever he had a case against the ever excitable Scott Gummer, who was, right now, presenting his client’s case. He was nervously chewing his nails as he eyed the man with a competitive glint–Gummer had a way of maniacally convincing the jury that his client was in the right. Gummer wouldn’t stop at nothing to get that fat paycheck–Junior was determined to win, today. The law offices of Alva & Lawrence demanded that he win this case. Domestic cases weren’t really his forte, but he was going to do his best and eventually get some respect from his old man.
“My client,” the purple-haired man began, fiddling with his silver hoop earrings before the judge, “is...uh...apologetic–yeah, good one!–about her actions as Dakota’s only registered supervillain, and my client–supervillain, hah! I’d say one woman army against the cruel dictatorship that is society discriminating against super-rising ‘entrepreneurs’–don’t be hating–about her recent, uh, accident against the plaintiff’s accusations, and is quite willing to settle out of court–”
“We’re in court NOW. The plaintiff decided NOT to settle,” the judge barked, a curiously neon-colored man that went by his last name, Leech, rolling dried skin between his fingers. Gummer jumped onto the witness stand to do a handstand at the edge, the jury holding up score cards. Junior shot rubber bands at him. “GET on with it!”
Gummer then righted himself, shouting into Leech’s deformed ear. The judge looked disturbed, then began picking at his ear canal with one absurdly dangerous fingernail. “Well, in that case, she’ll settle for an utterly punitive amount of four million plus one for the emotional damages inflicted upon her by THIS MAN!–”
And here, Mr. Gummer leapt onto their table and pointed accusingly at Junior’s client, Ebon, who looked affronted immediately. Junior quickly upended their table to shake the man off, and Gummer tumbled to the floor as he continued dramatically, “THIS MAN HERE has wrecked her emotional and mental state and rendered her feminine nature into that of a metahuman WRECK because he dared against her orders, and downsized her ego several times a notch because of his controlling and abusive issues! She will NOW have to undergo YEARS of therapy for her issues, and will always look at men in another light. Confident that they will betray her like the dogs they obviously were spawned from!”
And here, his client Madelyn, broke into tears that were obviously fake, glancing between her fingers to glare at Ebon. The jury gave sympathetic murmurs. Gummer hurriedly flung a box of tissues at her, knocking her head back. The jury ‘aww-ed’ as she hit the floor.
Ebon lifted an eye ridge, and leaned into Junior to whisper, “She’s lying. I ain’t giving her a DIME. I should be suing HER for emasculating ME.”
Junior patted him sympathetically, then closed his fingers over his with a comforting grip. Ebon gave him a startled look, then flung his hand off with a huff.
“As such, she turned to wrecking Dakota into a piling, smoking, nuclear mess as a due result of betrayal, suffering from PTSD, PMS, PTA, NRA–ALL from the cause of HIM not following their verbal contract into supervillainy! MY client DEMANDS monetary satisfaction and isn’t afraid to ask. You go, girl.”
“That woman is lying!” Junior shouted, rising majestically from his seat. “She isn’t under any emotional or mental stress! The gold-digger just wants money to continue living a lavish lifestyle as a newly founded metahuman supervillain, and my client will NOT pay a dime!”
Leech spit out his ear-wax covered finger and pounded the gavel on his forehead, roaring, “ORDER! ORDER in my court!”
Gummer leant on their table, giving Madelyn a wink and a thumbs up. “It’s in the bag, babe. By the end of this session, you’ll be overing on his lunch money for sure. No more Happy Meals for him.”
Junior approached the judge, picking up the bailiff and hurling him at Gummer as the man mimicked his every movement behind their table. The bailiff righted himself and returned to his post to smooth his comb over back in place. “Your Honor, I have reason to believe that this contract provided between them, made immediately after her forcefully escorting MY client from his controlled prison cell where he was determined to change his life around, was a female-made effort into trapping him within her controlling clutches. She’s in love with my client and is angry that he rejected her.”
People in the courtroom gasped as Madelyn whipped her head up in fury, Ebon’s mouth dropping open. The jilted woman jumped onto her table, powers flaring majestically, causing benches to rise, for the bailiff to float, for Leech’s dry skin to pull away from his skin. Junior frowned at his tie as it floated before his face while Ebon held onto the wall separating them from the public viewers that floated in lazy action amongst the benches.
“THIS IS ALL A LIE!” she cried, everyone covering their ears as her voice boomed in a feminine shriek throughout their minds. “I HAVE NEVER LOVED THIS MAN!”
Leech went to pound his gavel, but it floated out of his reach. He crawled over the podium to chase after it, but tumbled over the edge. The bailiff floated lazily over him while Junior stapled his tie to his chest with a pain-filled yowl.
“My client demands that this woman stop stalking him, harassing him, and to not punish him for trying to escape her controlling, abusive tendencies! Men are victims, too, dammit!” he then shouted, snatching at Ebon’s shoulder to keep from floating away, and looking into stretching shadowy skin with a grossed-out expression.
“I HAVE SUFFERED GREATLY DUE TO THIS MAN’S BREAKING OF OUR CONTRACT TO END STATIC’S CRUEL AND INHUMAN ACTS AGAINST OTHER METAHUMANS, AND I WAS WORKING TO SOLIDIFY SOLIDARITY OF EVERY MISTAKEN METAHUMAN AGAINST CRIMES COMMITTED TO THEM BY THE POLICE AND STATIC! AND FOR THAT, I DEMAND REPENTANCE...in money form!” Madelyn continued, finally taking her seat. Everyone fell from the air, hitting the hard floor in muffled grunts and groans.
Leech climbed back into his chair, and set his gavel down. The bailiff removed himself from atop of Gummer. Leech pounded a Swedish Penis Pump over the base, then quickly replaced it when he realized what he was using. “ORDER!”
“It’s utterly heartless what Ebon had done to my client,” Gummer continued, locating a shoe. He opened the bailiff’s pants and retrieved his undershirt to wrap around his head in a bandanna. “A lonely, destitute woman...in need of love and comfort...and a man determined to hurt her heart and RUIN her view of men and mankind in general! Zounds! As if there should be a need for more men-haters in this cruel world!”
He whirled upon the jury, ripping the undershirt from his head and waving it like a flag. “HAVE you EVER felt the heartache of a loved one ripping your heart and mind and soul to pieces just because they could?!”
The jury sniffled and dabbed at their eyes. Gummer blew his nose into the undershirt, then handed it back to the bailiff.
Junior slammed both hands on his table, saying determinedly, “My client is innocent! He was serving time for a crime that he hadn’t committed...pending...and was determined to turn his life around when this man-eater and destroyer of men broke her way into prison walls, sending him into a path of destruction over his own life and love...daring him to do things that he wouldn’t...controlling him to the point where when he questioned her motives, she threatened him with DEATH. This is a man frightened of a woman so capable of breaking his soul and mind–literally–and followed her only until he realized that what he was doing was wrong...so utterly wrong. And he sought to correct it. And the only way he thought it were possible was to...defy her. Tell me, ladies and gentlemen–what wouldn’t you do for your loved one? But is it SUCH a crime to ask one’s self...Is this the RIGHT thing to do?”
The jury thought about it, murmuring to each other. One blew her nose on another’s jacket. Another juror flicked a lighter and waved it solemnly in the air.
Gummer jumped up and down frantically. “NO! NO! DIE! SCUM! You play dirty!”
Junior ducked a butterfly knife to the head, Ebon shifting his shadowy body quickly to allow it to pass through him.
Leech looked away from tasting a dry flake of skin he’d found lying on the podium. “Such passion. Mad, mad passion can drive anybody crazy. Who ISN’T guilty of following a woman’s heart while denying their own?”
Ebon grabbed Junior by his tie. “THERE WASN’T SUCH A RELATIONSHIP!”
“Shh!” Junior hissed, snatching his tie back, ripping out the staple in the process. He looked down at his ruined shirt, at the blood that started to mar his jacket. He slapped a Post-It over it quickly, and rose from his seat again. “Your Honor...my client followed his heart. And she tore it to pieces. He tried to rectify his crimes with stopping her...can’t a man make up his wrongdoings and apologize for his actions with breaking a contract that was meant to hurt?! THINK of it! HUNDREDS of helpless, defenseless metahumans...following her every thought and whim and being unable to save themselves due to threatened DEATH! Being subjected to spas and pedicures and manicures and whatever it is women do to torture themselves...WAXING! TWEEZING! God, the humanity...Ebon SAVED Dakota and STATIC by defying her! If not for Ebon, we might all be sporting highlights, denied sex, football, chicken wings, Hooters and Spike TV! Mankind was in for RUIN if she had her way!”
Leech shuddered, briefly flipping his robe to examine his hairy chest. He touched the curls lovingly, shuddering once more at the thought of Madelyn pulling a strip of wax from his body.
“Fuck that. She’s guilty,” he announced, pounding the gavel on the podium.
Gummer threw himself to his knees while Madelyn looked aghast. Junior grinned at Ebon, both of whom shook hands. Ebon then administered a nuclear wedgie, took his wallet, and quickly teleported out of the room.
“Noooooo!” Gummer howled as Junior sought to pull the waistband of his underwear off his head. “This is misogyny! Hatred toward women! All of you are women-haters! This is a low blow in women’s rights, allowing this man to wander free–! Ah, the hell with it. Let’s hit Hooters for some drinks. I’m thinking chicken wings and bloody rugby.”