Teen Titans Fan Fiction ❯ Dreams And Destinies ❯ I Won't Say I'm In Love ( Chapter 7 )

Chapter 7

I Won't Say I'm In Love

 

At around the same time that Lyllandra and Robin were ordering their pizza, the other Titans had made it back to the tower and were engaged in different activities. Cyborg had taken the ring as Robin had requested and was currently waiting for the results of yet another set of tests that he was sure would give him the same answer as the others he'd run. That answer being: “I have absolutely no idea.”

He sighed in frustration. “There's obviously something strange about this ring but none of my scanners can find out what! They can't even tell what it's made of!”

“Perhaps we will need Lyllandra to help us find out what this ring does?” Starfire suggested from a stool where she had been perched since coming back home. She was extremely concerned not only for Lyllandra but for Robin and his feelings as well. So she'd entered helpful mode and was trying to assist Cyborg. Unfortunately, even her upbeat spirit couldn't keep the cybernetic science geek from getting frustrated.

“Lyllandra says that she doesn't remember anything about the ring. Although I'm not sure…”

“You are saying you do not believe her?” Starfire interrupted. “Please do not tell me that you have fallen for Slade's tricks as well?”

“It's not that Starfire.” Cyborg was quick to defend himself. “I don't believe Lyllandra means us any harm. She's a sweet kid and I like her a lot. But I do think that there's more going on here than meets the eye. And like it or not, Lyllandra's in the middle of it. Also, like it or not, she may end up taking our fearless leader with her.”

“I know.” Starfire conceded. “Robin cares about Lyllandra very much. And it is not that I do not understand. Lyllandra is a very pretty and kind person. But it is very strange. They have known each other for such little time….” She looked at Cyborg. “Cyborg, do you believe in the love at first sight?”

Cyborg looked at Starfire shocked. “I don't believe it's possible for two people to really be in love without knowing anything about each other. I mean, you can like the way a person looks sure but how can you be in love without knowing anything about their personality or lifestyle? You can't make these judgments based on looks alone.”

“So then your answer is no.” Starfire figured as much coming from Cyborg.

“Do you believe in it Star?”

“I am not sure. It is a wonderful notion to be able to know at a glance the person for whom you are meant but I too am somewhat skeptical about it actually working.”

“And you know Robin has never been a believer in love at first sight.” Cyborg stated.

“True. He is far too serious and logical for such a whimsical venture.” Starfire answered thoughtfully. “Then his affection for Lyllandra is very strange unless…”

“Unless?”

“What if they have met before?”

“How is that possible? Lyllandra's not even from this world. How could she and Robin ever have met before?”

“I do not know but…” She was interrupted by a beep from the machine in front of her.

“Well this spectrometer test is the last one I can think of to perform.” Cyborg said walking towards the machine. “If this hasn't found anything then I'm officially at a loss.” He reached for the report that was printed and began to read.

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

 

At the same time that Starfire and Cyborg were having their conversation, Beast Boy was sitting on the couch in the common room being very uncharacteristically silent. He was deep in thought, strange as that was for him. But he couldn't stop thinking about what Raven had said to him downtown.

“I think that's the smartest, most logical thing I've ever heard you say.”

“Raven gave me a compliment.” He said to himself for the hundredth time. “But Raven never gives me compliments. She's always telling me how immature I am or making fun of me.” He tried to wrap his head around it but only one answer kept running around in his head. It was the answer he wanted more than anything…and it was the one answer that could never be true.

Beast Boy couldn't remember a time when he didn't love Raven. Even back when he had first met her. She had been cold, dark, creepy, and she still was…a lot of the time. But Beast Boy knew better. He knew that underneath that cold exterior that defied anyone to come within ten feet of her beat a huge heart that was brave, loyal, kind…and insecure. He knew she felt lonely and isolated a lot of the time from her friends. He knew that she felt she could not be as close as she wanted to be with the others. She was afraid of showing her emotions. Afraid of what they would do to her friends and even more afraid of what they would do to her.

Beast Boy sighed heavily and stretched out low on the couch. His skinny body practically melted into the couch. Anyone walking out from the bedroom area would not even know there was anyone there. And Raven was no exception.

She had tried meditating but the more she tried to focus, the more prominent Beast Boy's face became in her mind. She could not get rid of the image of his shocked face when she had complimented him downtown. She could understand his shock. The last time she had complimented anything he had done like that was….never. But when she had said it, she had seen something in his eyes…or thought she had.

“It's only because of what I was talking about with Starfire.” She argued with herself for the tenth time. “It's making me see things that I want to see.” She dropped her head in despair. “Things that aren't there.” Oh how she hated her emotions controlling her like this! Things had been so much simpler before Lyllandra had arrived. Before the confusion and disruption Lyllandra had unwittingly wrought, Raven had no problem keeping her feelings in check. Anytime Beast Boy said anything funny or sweet she would have no problem burying happy or love away where they belonged. Deep, DEEP down in her subconscious. But now, all of that was in danger of falling apart.

She walked into the kitchen for a glass of water, completely unaware of the eyes and ears that had come to attention when she appeared. If possible, Beast Boy made himself shrink down even further into the couch so she would not see him. He didn't want to see her right now. He had no idea what he would say to her, his brain and heart were a jumbled mess. He watched her get a glass out of the cupboard and fill it with water and his heart told him again what he had been ignoring forever. She was dark, creepy…and the most beautiful girl he had ever laid eyes on. If Raven had seen him watching her, she would have known that what she was convinced she could not have seen was actually the truth. If she had seen his eyes at that moment she would have seen all the love that would have elated her…and scared the crap out of her.

But she remained unaware of her watcher as she took a sip of water and continued to mull her crisis. “I have to get myself under control.” She said a little louder than she had intended. “I can't afford another slip up like that. I can't let him know how much this is affecting me.” She stared at her water and reacted in shock when two drops suddenly plinked into the glass! “Oh no I am NOT crying!” She thought angrily. But it seemed like her heart and eyes had another idea. She put the glass down and her hands flew to her eyes but she could not stop the tears from flowing.

Beast Boy was not just surprised by Raven's reaction, he was terribly concerned as well. This was definitely not Raven behaviour. He leapt up off the couch and ran to where Raven stood in the middle of the kitchen area crying her heart out. He stopped a few feet away from her, all at once unsure what he should do. Raven had not heard him and was obviously so upset that she could not sense him near her for if she did, she'd probably pitch a royal fit knowing that someone had seen her cry. But his heart ached to see her so upset. Ignoring the warning in his head, he slowly stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Raven. He felt her jump and he closed his eyes, fully expecting a smack upside the head but to his (happy) surprise, she practically melted in his arms, turning towards him and putting her arms around his neck! She continued to sob, her face buried in his shoulder. He held her close, rubbing her back.

Raven had never felt so out of control before. She'd had no idea how strongly she felt for Beast Boy until her brain presented her with the idea that she would never have him. And the only reason she would never have him was her fault. Her need to keep her emotions fully in check would not allow her to love him like she so desperately wanted to. And there was no way that he could ever love a dysfunctional, loveless creature like her. That realization had wrought a despair on her the likes she had never known. Even when she was faced with the fact that she was destined and doomed to be the portal that would allow Trigon to destroy Earth and all her friends, part of her had known, deep down, that there was a solution and that her friends would ultimately find it. But destroying the world seemed a whole lot easier to deal with than being in love!

The despair was so poignant that the resulting tears blurred her senses so that she didn't hear or sense anyone near her. Fortunately for Beast Boy, she was so upset that when she did feel his arms lock around her she didn't know or care who they belonged to. She held on to Beast Boy as if she was hanging on for dear life. She didn't hear at first his whispered “Shhhhh….” The only thing she did notice was how after a few moments of being in the arms of whoever it was that had her, an amazing thing happened. She started to calm down, the tears slowed, her pounding heart quieted and she was amazed to find that she actually felt…safe. The strong arms around her made her feel as if nothing could harm her. Unfortunately for Beast Boy and for her, calming down brought back her more logical mind and it cleared itself with no problem. She threw herself back from Beast Boy's arms and almost hit the counter behind her.

Her eyes registered severe shock, both from her temporary lack of control and from discovering herself in Beast Boy's embrace. Beast Boy, for his part, knew Raven better than anyone in the tower (including Raven) would ever have thought he did. He backed away immediately until he hit the kitchen table, leaving a good three feet between them. And he wouldn't move a muscle again until she was ready to speak.

Raven had never felt anything like it before. That warm, safe feeling was so alien to her that it almost felt wrong. Raven, being who she was or rather who she thought herself to be, could never feel that safe. Because she wasn't safe. Every moment that her emotions were out of control was a moment that someone could get hurt. The only way to keep that from happening was to keep everyone at arms distance, never let anyone in. Not as a friend; certainly not as a lover.

“But you have let them in.” Argued logic. “You let them all in whether you liked it or not, whether I wanted you to or not.”

“Robin, Cyborg, Starfire and Beast Boy. They're your friends, each of them in a different way.” Intelligence interjected. (Raven hated that. Intelligence was of course smart, but rude as hell when she wanted to be) “Starfire you see as your best friend, as earth hold's the tradition at any rate. She exemplifies your desire to be female in every aspect of your life.'

`You admire Cyborg's skill, strength and his loyalty to his friends; to you; makes him one of the most trustworthy people you've ever known.'

`Robin is the closest thing you know to a kindred spirit. His dark place is almost as big as your own. He, like you, is a loner. He is a true leader who keeps others around him at a distance. But the care he feels for his friends is true and you would trust him with your very life.”

“Then there's BB.” Happy interrupted. “BB is awesome! He's carefree but he's sensitive and you know he cares for everyone, even you.”

“Most especially you.” Love took up the chain. “And you care for him, more than you'll ever let me admit. His lousy jokes, his bright smile, the way he looks at you when you tease him. These are things you live for. Hearing him laugh makes you laugh, even though you hide it on the inside. To be held in his arms, to feel his lips on yours, these are things I, and in turn, you have longed for since you met him. When Terra came into the picture…”

“You fought so hard to keep me in check.” Jealousy, the most dangerous part of herself, the part that could expose her feelings in a second butted in. “You watched him fall for Terra and you kept me locked up so I couldn't do anything about it. But you were stronger then. I think Lyllandra might have done you a favour you know that? Collapsing your control, letting us out. You'll have no choice but to tell him you love him now.”

“Stop!” Raven said suddenly aloud. She clasped her hands to her head. “I don't want to hear this anymore!” The voices in her head ceased but Love had one last message before she went down submissively with the others back under control.

“You love Beast Boy Raven. And no amount of control can keep me in here forever.”

Beast Boy wasn't sure what to do. It was obvious that Raven was in a bad state. Her emotions were observably out of control. He took a step towards her and she reacted strongly.

“Don't!” She yelled, holding her arm out. “I can't….I don't know what I'll”

“You won't hurt me Raven.” Beast Boy said calmly. Raven looked at Beast Boy then, wide-eyed as if she had just realized he was there. She stood still as her senses took in completely what had happened. It was Beast Boy who had been holding her there in the kitchen! Why would he do that?

“I don't know what the problem is Raven but I know I can help you if you'll just let me.” Beast Boy continued calmly. “I know your emotions have been out of whack since Lyllandra arrived but…”

“Is that girl all you can talk about?” Jealousy spat out harshly before Raven could stop it.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Raven said quietly. She had to get out of there. Her emotions were going to give her away!

“Raven please tell me…” Beast Boy started but did not get a chance to say anything else. Raven enveloped herself in a wave of black and disappeared!

Beast Boy sat down hard in a kitchen chair. He was terribly worried about Raven but at the same time he couldn't help but wonder about what she'd just said. “She sounded…jealous of Lyllandra!” He exclaimed to himself. “But why on earth would she be jealous of her? Unless…” The exceptional mind that Beast Boy possessed (but hardly ever used) put itself to the problem and rapidly starting making connections. The others had told him about what had happened in the kitchen…how Raven had made the glass explode in Lyllandra's hand after Robin mentioned how Lyllandra and Beast Boy had spent the night up talking. And how she had glared at him when he had turned himself into a kitten to try and cheer Lyllandra up. He thought she was just being no fun as usual but the more he thought about it…

“Is it possible?” He asked himself looking towards the bedroom hallway. “All this time…” He jumped up and ran to Raven's bedroom. He stopped short of knocking though as his own voices interrupted.

“What on earth are you doing?” His mind voice didn't have lots of names like Raven's but it was just as hard to ignore. “What are you going to do…tell her how you feel? So what if she's been a little jealous lately? That's Raven in there. Miss heartless 2006! She'd laugh in your face and there's no way she'd ever be able to return your feelings, even if she did share them! She's incapable of love!” The voice yelled at him but for the first time in his life, Beast Boy did the smart thing…and cast its tantruming self aside.

“It doesn't matter how she feels about me.” He said to his inner critic. “And she is capable of love. More than even she could know. And I'm gonna be the one to show her!” And without giving it another thought, he reached up his hand and knocked hard on the door. He waited for a response and he got one. From right behind him!

“What are you doing Beast Boy?” Beast Boy jumped a mile at the voice. He turned and it was Raven standing there!

“Um…uh…” As usual, with Raven right in front of him, her deep blue eyes staring at him, he couldn't form words. But this time she didn't look at him annoyed. Nor did she look mad at him. As he looked into her eyes he saw fear and…hope? “Raven…”

“I can't…” she saw in his eyes what he felt and said almost too quietly to hear. “Don't you understand that I can't?”

“Why can't you?” He asked back just as quietly. He wasn't going to act like he didn't know what she was talking about. Nor could he pretend that with every word, his heart didn't break a little more.

“I can't…I” Raven tried to explain but standing here in front of him like this, she could see the hope and pain in his eyes. She had to look away. Even when she had run just a few minutes before, seeking quiet and solitude to get herself under control, Love had broken through again and this time she would not be silenced. Raven had argued but her complaints had fallen on deaf ears. She was in love with Beast Boy and there was nothing that was ever going to change that. Even if she hurt him…which she was almost certain she would. Why couldn't he see that?

“I don't care Raven.” He said suddenly. “If you think you can't love me back or if you think you're going to hurt me. None of that matters to me because I know you can.”

It was as if he was reading her mind. “He believes in me!” She thought wonderingly. “But can I live up to this responsibility?”

All of a sudden Love, Happy, Intelligence, Hope, and Faith (now where had she been hiding?) appeared and chorused, “You may not be human, but you have a human heart.”

“But…” She still hesitated.

“But?” Beast Boy repeated.

“I ….I don't really know how.” She said, her eyes still directed to the floor.

Beast Boy smiled and took a step closer to her. All fear gone now, with one finger he lifted her chin up until she was looking in his eyes. “Then I'll show you.” And before she could respond again, he leaned in quickly and kissed her.

Raven was at once taken over by that same safe and warm feeling she had felt in the kitchen. She had never felt anything like it before but as she returned Beast Boy's kiss, it no longer felt wrong. It felt nothing but right. And as she wrapped her arms around his neck and their kiss deepened, she decided that losing control once in a while didn't necessarily have to be a bad thing.

“Oh Lordy.” Cyborg grumbled after reading the last report on the ring. “We need to talk to Robin right now.” Without waiting for Starfire to respond, he folded the paper and dashed out into the hallway, Starfire hot on his heels.

As they rounded the third corner on their way to the great room, Cyborg was so engrossed in what the report had said that he didn't see it right away. Starfire did though and she managed to grab him by the arm and yank him back out of sight. He landed hard on his butt just out of sight of the door to Raven's bedroom.

“Starfire what the heck!” He started to say but Starfire clapped a hand over his mouth and motioned for him to be quiet. He looked at her questioningly but she just shook her head and pointed to just around the corner. Cyborg took the hint and slowly put just his head around the corner. His jaw hit the floor and he immediately pulled back to look at Starfire shocked.

“That's….that's…”

“Yes it is.” Starfire just looked happy. She knew Raven had it in her.

“You mean you know about this?” Cyborg said. “How?”

“I am a girl Cyborg.” Starfire answered simply. “And we girls notice these things.”

 

“Well alright.” Cyborg broke into a smile. “I don't quite understand it but way to go BB!”

 

“We should give them a moment to…finish what they are doing.” Starfire said with a slight blush forming on her cheeks.

 

“I wish we could Star. But we gotta get this info to Robin now.” Cyborg started around the corner just as Raven and Beast Boy parted.

 

“I love you Rae. I always have.” Beast Boy whispered as he still held Raven close to him. Cyborg stopped in the middle of the hallway, embarrassed to be caught intruding on such a private moment. But he didn't stay unnoticed for long.

 

“Um…I think we have company.” Raven said, the annoyed tone coming back instantly. She and Beast Boy looked over at Cyborg where he stood desperately trying to find a place to hide and to where Starfire stood just behind the corner shaking her head.

 

“Uh..sorry guys. Didn't mean to interrupt but…”

 

“Is something wrong Cyborg?” Beast Boy let go of Raven and stepped forward. “Did you find something out about the ring?”

“Yeah man I did. And y'all aren't gonna like it.” Cyborg said becoming serious once more.

“Then perhaps we can talk more later.” Raven said to Beast Boy with a twinkle in her eyes. Beast Boy blushed hard but smiled. “Yeah we can. We have all the time in the world now.” To Cyborg he said, “We'd better find Lyllandra and Robin then. I'll contact them.” But a gasp from Starfire told him there was no need. For just that second, Robin came lurching into the hallway, bruised and bloody. Starfire flew to him as he collapsed on the floor. Robin had just enough strength to whisper, “Give her back.” And then he was unconscious.