Teen Titans Fan Fiction ❯ Past Woes ❯ Dick Grayson ( Chapter 2 )

Dark nightmares plagued him that night. Nightmares that had him shooting up in his bed and screaming for his father. Several times, he'd come awake to a sharp slap, or yelling, or even ice water being poured on him, yet through it all, he'd refused to cry. Crying wasn't what Robin did. Dick Grayson, on the other hand, was a sensitive boy that needed to cry. So when they left his room for the sixth time that night, he walked over and locked it before pulling off his mask.

As soon as the material left his face, tears began to fall from the clouded grey eyes the mask always hid. His eyes which anybody who knew who of Dick Grayson was would recognize in an instant. Near silent sobs wracked his body and he craved the warm, strong arms of his friend, his mentor, his father. He lay there on the floor beside the door for a while, just letting his other half feel. A soft knock at his door interrupted him and he used his calm, cool, collected Robin's voice to answer, not the shaky, pain-filled voice of Dick Grayson.

"Who is it?" he asked, his voice full of confidence he didn't feel anymore.

"It's me, dude," Beast Boy's voice said through the door. "We made breakfast. You're favorite, waffles and bacon with lots of gravy."

No, Dick thought. That's Robin's favorite, not mine. My favorite is Alfred's sweet cherry syrup filled pastry with a nice cup of coffee with real cream and sugar and a small cup of milk to wash down the gooey sweetness.

"Sounds great! I'll be out in a minute. Let me get dressed," Robin's voice said.

Dick sighed and stood, stretching out and popping his back. He stared at the mask and gave a soft hum. Ever since he could remember, he had been conditioned to consider himself two separate people: Robin, the sidekick to Batman, and Dick Grayson, young playboy with a troubled past and heir to billions. The mask weighed heavily in his hands and it took all his willpower to raise it back up to his face and press it on. All his pain went back to the place in his mind that Dick Grayson had been locked in for a while now.

He dressed quickly and went out to meet his friends. They all avoided looking at him as he walked into the room. He ignored it and sat down, looking at the plate they'd made for him. Dick hadn't felt hungry, and Robin didn't either, but after an awkward silence he began to eat. He refused to look at them as he polished off the whole plateful. Maybe he had been hungry…

The silence was finally broken by Cyborg.

"So, dude, you gonna tell us what yesterday and last night was about?"

"No," Robin said simply as he sat back and looked at the ceiling.

"Friend Robin," Starfire said quietly. "Do you not trust us with the secret?"

"It's not that I don't trust you, it's just that I don't think you'll understand him," Robin said absentmindedly, too tired and drained to really think about how he referred to his other half.

"Understand who? I thought we were talking about you?" Beast Boy said, his tone confused.

"I…It's complicated," Robin muttered.

"Complicated how?"

"Look, just drop it Beast Boy. I'm not telling you about what happened between me and Bat…" he trailed off and dropped his head into his hands. "Damn," he growled under his breath.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on a minute. This is about you and Batman?!"

"Among other things, yes," Robin ground out, irritated at himself.

There was silence. Robin knew that they were all curious about what had happened between him and his former mentor. He didn't want to tell them about the heart-shattering fight they had had. Robin had left in tears. Bruce had watched him go with tears streaming down his own face. The Boy Wonder felt so guilty that he had put tears in the eyes of his father figure, who was supposedly a man of no emotion. The tears had kept him from going back those first few nights, and now they made Robin afraid to go back. Afraid of the hatred he was sure he would find in those eyes.

"Hey Rob, you okay?" Cyborg asked quietly.

"Just leave me alone!" Robin exclaimed, some of Dick's emotions burning through.

He turned and stormed out of the room, angry beyond belief. He went to the training room and began to train. Just like Batman had taught him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hours later Robin was still going at it, despite his trembling limbs. His emotions were still trying to bubble up. He couldn't let them. If his emotions bubbled up he would become Dick Grayson, not Robin. He'd never broken through the invisible barrier that separated his two halves. The door opened and he heard his friends approach, but he didn't stop.

"Um, hey Rob," Cyborg said, sounding unsure of himself. "I think it's time you give it a rest. You've been training for six hours."

"I. Said. Leave. Me. Alone," Robin snarled, punctuating each word with a fierce punch or a deadly kick.

"Robin, just stop already," Raven deadpanned. "You're exhausted."

"I'm fine," he snapped.

"No you're not!" Raven snapped back, raising her voice.

"Dude, you should see yourself! You're pale and flushed all at the same time! You're shivering so hard we can hear your teeth rattle! You're sweating like crazy! All this because you don't wanna tell us something?"

"You-you wouldn't understand," he grunted as he continued to move.

"How do you know that?" Beast Boy asked angrily.

Robin stopped, spun around, and lost his temper. "Because nobody has ever understood! Not Alfred, not Barbara, not Superman, and most certainly not BATMAN!"

He could suddenly feel the exhaustion of his body, and he stumbled back, trying to keep himself upright. Cool, metallic hands caught him and lowered him to the floor. Robin hunched over, trying to keep himself together, trying to keep the barrier between his halves intact. He knew he had failed when his mask became wet. He stayed like he was, though he felt his friends sitting around him, offering their presence as comfort. It wasn't enough.

"I-I can't d-do this anymore," he whimpered.

"Do what, friend Robin?" Starfire asked concernedly.

"Th-this," he moaned.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Beast Boy asked hopefully.

To everyone's surprise, Robin nodded. "C-can I take a shower first?" he asked, his voice broken.

"Of course you may. Shall we help you to your room?" Starfire asked with a smile.

"Yes please," he whimpered complacently.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Robin sat in the bottom of the shower, just letting the warm water relax his sore, tired muscles. He hadn't cried. Yet. The only tears that had come through were the two when he'd broken. A soft knock on the door to his room had him lift his head.

"Yeah?" he called.

"You okay in there?" Cyborg's voice called back.

"Yeah," Robin responded and forced himself to stand. "Just gimme a few minutes, okay?

He washed his body and hair then stepped out into the cold air and hurriedly dried himself off. He was reaching for a fresh costume when he stopped. He didn't want to be Robin. He was going to be vulnerable, to bare his past and his pain to his friends. Still, there were his eyes. He hated them to a degree. He grabbed only a mask and put it on then reached into the bottom drawer and pulled out some worn out jeans. He slid them on and sighed in delight. He'd missed dressing normal. He pulled on a red t-shirt to go with it then grabbed a black jacket lined with yellow and put it on. He looked in the mirror and brushed his hair just the way Dick did. He was ready. Frightened, yes, but definitely ready. He was tired of hiding who he was from his friends.

He took a deep breath, lowered his head so his hair hung in front of his face, and walked out. He was so stuck on how afraid he was that he didn't hear the footsteps around the corner. He slammed into something hard and metal and hit the floor. Hard. He stayed there, fear riveting him to the spot. What if Cyborg didn't like what Dick looked like?

"Robin? Is that you?" Cyborg asked, kneeling down and taking a good long look.

"Yes…and no," he replied softly.

"What?"

"I…I'll explain in a minute okay?" he asked, the brokenness returning to his voice.

"Okay, okay," Cyborg said soothingly. "Come on then."

Robin allowed Cyborg to lead him to the living room, where he was met with silence. Robin looked up through his hair and noticed the shock on their faces. He felt his cheeks warm as they stared and he was led to the couch. He sat down, his body grateful for the respite, and leaned into the soft cushions of the sofa. He heard, rather than saw, his friends sit around him. Then there was silence.

"Is there going to be no explaining of the secret?" Starfire finally asked.

"I don't know how to begin," Robin admitted in Dick's voice. "There's just so much to tell you…"

He closed his eyes and sighed. Wait. His eyes. That was a good place to start. At least one of them would recognize him and save him the trouble of saying who he was. He sat up straight and reached up to grab his mask, but his hands were shaking so bad that he couldn't. He was so afraid it was palpable, and one glance around told him that they all knew his current feelings.

"Did we do anything to make you fear us?" Starfire asked.

"N-no," Robin moaned. "It's just been so long…."

"I-I could do it for you," Beast Boy said shyly.

There was silence for a second. "Okay."

Robin closed his eyes as Beast Boy swept his hair aside and grabbed the edges of his mask. He felt his whole body tense as the boy began to pull then it was all over and he relaxed. He could feel them staring at his face, waiting. Robin took a deep breath then opened his eyes.

"Y-you?!" Beast Boy and Cyborg exclaimed at the same time.

"I do not understand. Who is Robin?" Starfire asked.

"Richard," Dick said with a crooked, albeit tired smile. "Richard Grayson. But you all are my…Are you still my…?"

Dick struggled to articulate his fears. He and Robin's fears had mixed and he didn't know what to do about it. So he just stayed mute and looked away.

"Are we still your…what? Friends?" Cyborg finally asked.

Dick nodded. "Yeah, that."

"Of course we are still your friends!" Starfire exclaimed.

"Yeah, man, just 'cause you're famous doesn't mean we don't want to be your friends," Cyborg said with a grin.

Dick smiled and relaxed further, allowing his tiredness and relief to show, something Robin tried to hide. "That's...I…Thanks," he said gratefully, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. "I thought for sure you'd only like Robin, not me."

"I do not understand. Are you not the same person?" Starfire asked confused.

"Yes and no," he replied.

"What does that even mean man?" Cyborg asked irritably.

Dick took a deep breath. "I've been conditioned to think of myself as two completely different people. They don't know each other, but are contained in me. One half of me is Robin, the fearless leader that you know. The other half is Dick Grayson, young playboy and heir to billions. The strain of not being able to be myself…broke the thing that separated them. I need to rebuild it. I can't be just one person. Not anymore."

"I get why yesterday was so bad, Richard," Beast Boy said quietly. "That was the day it happened, right?"

"Yeah. Both its."

"Huh?"

"It's the day my parents fell to their deaths, and the day, or rather night, I left Batman. It…hurts. Oh, and my friends call me Dick."

"I thought that was a word we are not to be saying," Starfire said, her brows furrowed.

"When you're using it in a derogatory sense, yes, it is a bad word. When you're using it as a person's actual name, no it's not. Though many people do consider Dick Grayson to be a…well, they think my namesake is well deserved."

"Who are you really?" Raven asked with an arched eyebrow.

"I hardly know anymore. The only place I've ever really been myself is Wayne Manor," Dick said sadly.

"Well, why not be yourself in Titans tower?" Beast Boy asked.

"…Would you let me?"

"We're all ourselves here. No reason you shouldn't be," the green boy replied with a smile.

"Now, you need to go to bed," Cyborg said.

"But…I thought I was supposed to explain the argument…"

"What argument?" Raven asked.

"Between me and Bats," Dick said, his eyes beginning to burn.

"If you feel you're up to it," Cyborg said.

"I'll never feel up to it," the boy muttered. "He and I used to be so close. I still remember the day he comforted me for my parents' death. He held me like I was his own child. We've never called each other 'father' or 'son', but the implication was there.

"It all started the night I was shot by the Joker. Bats was out of his mind with anger and worry. He took me home and he and Alfred patched up my shoulder. He waited a couple of days then talked about clipping my wings."

"Clipping your wings?" Beast Boy asked.

"Taking away my costume, my weapons, my crime fighting. Taking away half of myself," Dick said, his voice suddenly cold as Robin's when he was angry.

"Oh…can he do that?"

"He could take away access to the Batcave, and access to the weapons, and my costume. He knew how in a way that would take me forever to circumnavigate it. He caught me just as I finished packing to leave…"

"What are you doing Dick?" the deep, cold voice said.

Dick didn't answer, tightening the pack on his R-Cycle. He could feel his back prickling with the glare Batman was hitting him with, and he did his best to ignore it. Batman, on the other hand, did not give up and kept his stare up until he turned around and boldly met his mentor's masked eyes, which was a feat in and of itself.

"I'm leaving before you clip my wings," he said, his voice controlled.

"You're leaving," Batman asked, his voice sounding amused.

"Yes," Dick said, his confidence failing as the Batman silently laughed at him.

"And where, my young protégé, will you go?"

"I don't know," Dick replied, "Maybe Jump City."

"Oh, come now Dick," Batman said as he took his cowl off to reveal Bruce Wayne's deep green eyes…

"Bruce Wayne is the Batman?" Beast Boy exclaimed. Dick glared at him. "Oh…sorry, you just surprised me. I guess I should have expected that…Continue."

"Anyways," Dick said with a roll of his eyes.

"This is all a good show, but we both know you'll stay right here," Bruce finished with a shake of his head.

"That depends. Are you going to let me go out on the town with you anymore?"

The amusement drained from those green eyes. "What do you expect me to do, Dick. You were shot!"

"I'm fine Bruce. Look, it's only been a week and I'm healing fine! I can still do this."

"You're not going to!"

"Why the hell not?!"

"Because I said so."

Those last four words pushed Dick's already boiling temper over the edge. "Oh, so that means I should just drop everything and do as you say, right?"

"I am your father…"

"NO! You are NOT my father! My father died right in front of me in the circus! You are not my father, and you will never be my father! You're cold and uncaring and unfeeling and you don't care what I want! What I NEED, Bruce! I can't just go back to being a civvie!" Dick screamed, tears streaming down his face.

"You can and you will!" Bruce rasped, tears sparkling in his eyes.

"No! I won't!" Dick shouted. "I'm not just going to lie down like your fucking parents did and die on the streets defenseless!"

That pushed the seemingly cold man over the edge and tears began to ooze down his cheeks even as they grew red with anger.

"I raised you damn it! You will show me respect," Bruce snapped, grabbing his protégé's arm hard enough to bruise.

"Master Dick, Master Bruce, I brought you…What is going on here?" Alfred asked, slowing down as he witnessed the two people least likely expected to tear up crying right in front of him.

Dick tore his arm from Bruce's slackened grip and threw his leg over the motorcycle. He started it and revved the engine, turning to look back one last time before he took off. The image he saw was burned permanently into his memory. Bruce standing there in shock with a tear-streaked face, staring at him through blank eyes, and Alfred standing there with the forgotten letter in his hand, his eyes wide and disbelieving as their young ward shot off into the night.

Dick went silent for a moment. "After that I came to Jump City, met you all, and you know the rest."

"Why did you never go back?" Beast Boy asked.

Dick covered his eyes and let a whimper escape his throat. "I'm too afraid."

"Of what?"

"That that look in Bruce's eyes became hatred. I can't bear to have him hate me. I'd rather not know than be sure he hates me."

"How can you live not knowing?" Raven asked.

"It's hard," Dick admitted, leaning his head back and closing his eyes.

"Okay, now," Cyborg admonished. "That's enough talk for now. We can always talk tomorrow. Bed time."