Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Fan Fiction ❯ 3 Weeks ❯ Chapter 18 ( Chapter 18 )

Well, this is it: Chapter 18, the last one in the story! I'm very happy to have actually written a story through to the end for a change! Please, let me know if it isn't quite up to par, I really feel like the last chapter is one of the most important, and so it should be among the best. Our nice little conclusion.

 

Disclaimer: You guessed it: I don't own them, and I'm not making money off of them. I really need to find a way to make money, though…Christmas is coming up.

 

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In some ways, it was like their brother had never come back at all, Leonardo considered bitterly, watching as the silent figure sitting before him on the dojo floor cleaned a sai using slow, meticulous strokes. Raphael gave no sign indicating whether or not he'd taken notice of the intense gaze cast upon him, but a large part of Leonardo was certain that he had: the second-youngest turtle had always had an uncanny ability to sense the presence of anything lasting longer than a passing glance. Once, at a point in time in the past that wasn't as far away as it currently felt, dragging the leader's heart downward with a painful lurch, his temperamental brother would have grown defensive under such scrutiny as this. The incident would have brought forth some sort of snarled insult, some sort of confrontational gesture that might have ultimately led to a fight between the brothers that would send the younger of the two storming out into the sewers alone. Taking in the passive emptiness of the face before him, choking down a sigh, the eldest turtle noted that he hadn't heard Raph snarl in ages.

 

It was the sort of thing he hadn't known was possible to be taken for granted; in fact, he'd found it aggravated him in most cases in the past. But it had also been a defining portion of Raphael's personality, as much of a part of him as Michelangelo's genuine laugh or the soft noises Donatello made in the back of his throat while considering a sizable problem, and the absence of it had been remarkably striking to the small family. All in all, one didn't really need to know Raphael that well to see that he had changed.

 

It was like a hazy aura surrounding him, expanding and retracting as he moved, almost visibly warping the air it came into contact with and leaving a sense of confusion, distraction and restlessness in its wake. The aura of someone who had changed, who could tell they were different than they had been once and, though they possibly knew the reasons behind it, didn't know how to go back to who they were supposed to be. His family, on some level, felt that if he would just explain what was going on in his mind, they might be able to better understand this new, subdued version of the Raphael they'd known, might be able to find some leftover traces of his original personality.

 

On more than just a few occasions, Leo or one of the others had found him having wandered off in the middle of some sort of activity, sitting propped up against a wall and staring blankly at his hands, at the punching bag, at the floor, as though completely at a loss as to what he should be doing. Upon being discovered in such a state, Raphael would head back into the company of others once more, leveling them with toneless apology and an indifferent stare. Just remembering the hollowness in his little brother's eyes gave Leo's heart a painful squeeze. Everyone tried, with varying levels of success, not to show Raphael how much pain this new distracted detachment pulled at their hearts, as he seemed to be genuinely unaware of the fact and, for his part, trying to figure things out.

 

Leonardo's gaze dropped to the dojo floor, eyes softening as he wished for his brother to say something, anything to him: anything that might break the silence. The odds, he knew, weren't in his favor. Since being retrieved from Richards, Raphael conversed with all the enthusiasm of the living dead, responding only when directly prompted to speak, voice never rising above a dull murmur regardless of the topic being discussed. By and large, he seemed uncomfortable with speaking, eyes tending to wander and observe his surroundings cautiously as he spoke, as though expecting something dangerous to spring out from behind the sofa at a moment's notice. Donatello had theorized (with his eyes narrowed dangerously at nothing in particular and hands forming white-knuckled fists) that it probably had to do with the collar that the veterinarian had kept on him, much like his reluctance to enter the candlelit room of their sensei when called and his newfound distaste for unwarranted physical contact.

 

The fact that they were generally helpless to do anything to ease his discomfort frustrated them as deeply as it pained them to see their brother struggle alone. Each family member coped with this in their own ways. Donnie had taken to obsessively checking in on Raph's injuries, even after the removal of the numerous stitches and the second-youngest turtle's return to his feet. Michelangelo was little better, constantly on the alert for Raph's presence with the tendency to overreact should he suddenly be found to have left a room. Neither of them had allowed their brother to enter the dojo while they were around, despite the fact that he was well and up to practicing on his own. He'd been unable to convince them of the fact and generally had to wait until they were both absorbed in other activities before attempting to enter. Leo and Master Splinter let things go as they would, feeling that eventually things would be settled into a semi-normal routine once again.

 

“I see you finally made it to the dojo. So where are Don and Mike?” The eldest asked quietly, finding that Raph's quiet presence made it feel strange to speak too loudly. Raphael glanced up at him, a little surprised to notice that he was being addressed directly: lately, his family had developed the troubling habit of talking around him rather than to him, and he'd probably gotten used to the process. Getting over himself, he went back to cleaning his weapons impassively.

 

“April's,” came the muttered reply, as short as every other reply tended to be lately. Leo nodded in acknowledgement, ignoring to the best of his ability the pang in his heart.

 

All-too-familiar waves of guilt attempted to sweep him up and drown him, growing more powerful every time he watched his brother walk out in the middle of a supervised group practice, every time he had to watch the familiar amber eyes widen and flicker abruptly away from a small yellow flame, every time he heard the younger ninja speak in the dry, dead voice that only served to remind him, time and time again, of the fact that he had failed to reach his little brother in time to really save him. He'd been fooling himself in thinking that things would immediately return to the way they'd once been upon getting their missing piece back. The realization was like a hard punch to the face every time it resurfaced, losing none of its potency and power with each entrance and bearing down a little more on his soul each day. Brown eyes observed emerald hands in their repetitive motions once more, not quite seeing them and not quite somewhere else.

 

“I'm sorry.” The words fell from his mouth like dark, heavy stones, splitting in the silence as they dropped.

 

He was only vaguely aware of speaking them, really only coming to himself afterwards with the knowledge that they had been said and that nothing in the world could make him attempt to take them back or cover them up. His brother's hands paused in their task, conveying the stunned surprise that the red-banded ninja's face was probably exhibiting, if Leo had been able to summon enough courage to look just yet. He could almost physically feel Raph's gaze shifting onto him, heavy as it was, and felt his shoulders beginning to sag with the weight of it. Raphael shifted in place, carefully setting his weapons to the side before bringing his hands to rest on top of his knees. There was a moment of silent contemplation that stretched into an eternity for both parties involved, a struggle to find some kind of response, before two more words fell onto the pile growing on the ground, nearly silent in their descent.

 

“For what?” The younger brother asked, voice containing a modicum of surprise and caution, as though able to sense that this would end up leading somewhere emotional and requiring deeper, more meaningful words. It was true that he'd never been one for words to begin with, but now the simple task of conversing seemed entirely too confusing to put up with. In spite of himself, the leader glanced up incredulously. Raphael's head was tilted to one side, blank eyes observing the eldest more closely than they had in weeks. The blue-clad ninja faltered for a few seconds, wavering in his resolve to settle past events, surprised that he should have to explain what, to him, was exceedingly obvious, before finding something to say.

 

“For what? I- God, Raph, where am I supposed to even start? For-for everything!” He burst out, seeming a little outraged. “For not finding you sooner, for not getting you out of there in time, for not following you when you left the lair in the first place, for getting into that stupid fight with you to begin with! I mean, if I hadn't said- If I'd just- none of this would have happened in the first place! Everything would be normal, we wouldn't have lost you, you wouldn't be- you wouldn't-” at this, he cut himself off, finding that words were suddenly much more difficult to dredge up. His brother's eye ridges raised slightly as he contemplated what had been said.

 

“That is…” He began slowly, brow furrowing in concentration as he picked words to the best of his ability. “…stupid.” Leo nearly palmed his face; leave it to Raph to take his brother's desperate, sincere apology and tear it down in three words immediately upon receiving it. He sighed, dropping his head in defeat.

 

“Can't you just accept it and make this easy for me, just this once?” He asked tiredly, voice dim. Amber eyes fell once more into their newfound habit of aimless wandering, no longer able to concentrate solely on the only other living presence in the room. His head shook slightly in response to the rhetorical question.

 

“I…started the fight. Didn't have to. Didn't have to leave, or go topside, or go after those…those guys. But I did.” The statement was hesitant and toneless: for a moment, he sounded like Donnie while in the midst of long-winded scientific explanations. Logical, Leo's brain offered as a suitable description. “I did, `n it happened, `n it's not…important…anymore. `N you didn't mean it. Shouldn't be apologizin' fer what I brought on myself.”

 

The summation of the statement was not lost upon Leonardo, who sat in stunned immobility for a few moments as it sank in. His shoulders tightened, his mind whirred, and he reached forward to grasp the thinner forearm in an iron-tight grip, eyes flashing.

 

“Don't you dare,” he hissed firmly, voice sharp with emotion. “Raphael, don't you dare tell me this was your fault. You didn't do anything to deserve- you never- Even the dumbest, most reckless thing you ever did couldn't be enough to-” Pausing for a moment, he made an effort to control himself, loosening his grip and starting guiltily as the limb was sharply jerked from his hand. That it had been trembling did not escape the eldest turtle's notice, and he mentally bashed his own head in for his stupidity, glancing up to survey the damage. His brother seemed alright, for the most part, though his eyes darted to the open dojo door, probably judging just how quickly he could get out if need be. Fantastic.

 

“Shell,” the leader breathed softly, bringing a hand to his forehead in a frustrated fashion. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to- to scare you, it's just-” here he interjected a broken half-sigh, half-bitter laugh. “Of all the things you could have said, all the different places to cast the blame, I didn't expect to hear that. You-you can't seriously think this whole mess was your fault, Raph; because that would be about the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.” He glanced up again, trying to gauge his brother's reaction to the statement, unable to read anything from the younger turtle. “Just don't even think it again, alright? Never again.” The stumbling statement concluded sternly, the end of the words breaking off in a brittle manner and leaving nothing but silence, which stretched on for a few minutes while Raphael resumed his task uncertainly. After a time, he heaved a slight sigh.

 

“Gonna get better eventually,” he supplied, looking more uncomfortable than ever. “Gonna…I'll be…okay.” Leo nodded wordlessly, standing and making his way to the door, staring at his feet like they were the most interesting thing in the world. “An' for the record…” The elder paused, turning back to meet flickering amber eyes. They held his gaze firmly for a moment, something familiar but not quite identifiable moving beneath the surface as the weapons were belted at long last. “Wasn't scared.” There was more than just one meaning to those words, the eldest was sure, but he didn't pursue the matter further, a slight smirk turning up a corner of his mouth.

 

“No,” he replied as casually as he could, swallowing slightly. “No, of course not.”

 

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Thank you all so much for sticking around until the end; for reading and reviewing and being all-around fantastic! I certainly appreciated it! Now I just have to figure out what I want to do next…Jeesh.

 

As with all prior chapters (aha, thought you'd get away from it, eh, number 18?) I would like to hear what you thought. Looking for any feedback, really, especially OOC portions, spelling/grammar/wording errors and the like. I simply cannot afford to downgrade in quality now of all times. And yeah, seriously, thank you!