Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Fan Fiction ❯ Bad Places II: Rebirth ❯ Chapter 13

Part 13

Whispering voices seeped into his consciousness. Awake or asleep? Hard to tell with his eyes held shut. After a moment, Leo recognized his brothers' voices as the whispers. Awake, then. He listened for awhile as they spoke softly, probably trying not to wake him, but he couldn't make out the words. Strange how they could sound just like the water in the walls yet be comforting instead.

He took a deep breath and sighed in relief that he could breathe almost normally. He often breathed out too fast and had to drag the air back in, but at least he didn't feel like he was drowning anymore. And the sharp aches that had necessitated sedatives for the past few days had dwindled to dull twinges. Maybe now he could convince Donatello to lay off some of the shots.

One of his brothers lay beside him, fast asleep with his head on Leo's shoulder. Since his constant nightmares meant he needed someone beside him, his siblings took turns sleeping next to him. None of them complained since it meant sharing the bed instead of curling up on a chair. With the bandages still wrapped thickly around his eyes, he couldn't tell who it was at first, but the light breathing told him it couldn't be Michelangelo and the fidgeting meant it wasn't Donatello. He adjusted himself slightly under the blankets, wincing as he pulled the muscles on his side. Saki's blades hadn't sliced deep but the wound was healing slowly, constantly reopened by the slightest movement. It never bled much but Donatello nearly always refused to let him out of bed because of it.

At least he could get to the bathroom himself. If he hadn't been able to...he frowned. He didn't think he could live with that kind of humiliation. His first escape out of bed had been simply to get to the shower, not caring that he'd soak the bandages through. Thank heaven that the door had a strong lock. He couldn't take a shower silently. The moment Donatello heard the water running, he'd rushed towards the bathroom as if worried that Leo might be trying to drown himself, but he was reluctant to break Casey's house and had just called through the door to make sure Leo was all right before waiting patiently in the hall for him to come out. He waited nearly an hour. Hot water relieved so much of the pain that Leo used every last drop, nearly falling asleep standing up. He'd almost felt like himself again afterwards and didn't stumble at all when Donatello took him back to bed, letting him exchange the wet bandages for dry ones, including the ones over his eyes.

Of course he kept his eyes covered. Even when Donatello changed them, his eyes stayed closed. Raphael wasn't forcing him to stay blind, and he knew that his vague reasons about being sensitive to light wouldn't keep his brothers satisfied for much longer, but...he sighed. He needed the darkness. Maybe in a few days he might slip the blindfold off for a few minutes or hours, but for now he just wanted to hide. At least he didn't feel them watching him so much. Sneaking off had ultimately been a relief to all of them, a sign that he was improving and, more importantly, that he was willing to improve.

"You're awake."

Startled, Leo jerked back and winced when he pulled his side wound again. "I thought you were asleep."

"No, I was watching..." Raph paused. "Oh. Sorry. Forgot you can't see it."

"I don't hear it," Leo said, ignoring the last comment. "I can hear the electricity humming, but--"

"I didn't wanna wake you. It's got those subtitles for deaf people," Raph said. "Closed captioning, I think. Hey, you hungry?"

"...not much."

"Great, I'll get you something from the kitchen." Raphael carefully climbed out of bed and pulled the blanket back over his brother. "Don't go back to sleep, okay?"

"Sure." He relaxed again and wished the throbbing pain in his side would go away and take the rest of the pain throughout his body with it. Between Donatello's injections and his injuries, he couldn't tell which hurt more. His brother's needles felt like swords and the agony that Don described as a light pinch lasted for hours. A side benefit of his blindfold meant that his brother never saw his eyes watering from the pain.

The whispering in the background increased to where he could make out an occasional word or two. After a moment he heard the words "pills" and "hiding" from Mike. So they were talking about him. No surprise, really, but he'd never thought that his youngest brother would be the one to see how he hid the pain. Of course he'd never admit to hurting, but if Mike could get Donatello to switch to pills, his life would be much better.

"Got it." Raphael eased back into bed. "Here, it's egg drop so you shouldn't have a problem. Careful, it's still hot."

"...thanks." Leo sat a little straighter and took the offered cup. "When did you order out?"

"We didn't. That's Mike's cooking." Raph grinned as his brother hesitated. "It's okay, he's gotten better."

"That's not saying much," Leo said, but he took a sip anyway. And blinked, although his brother wouldn't see it. "That's not bad."

"Told ya'." Raph settled in about arm's distance from his brother and stretched. Staying with Leo as he slept was easy enough, but it made for sore muscles. "You're gonna have to start eating different food, y'know. You've already lost too much weight."

"Mother hen," Leo muttered.

"I mean it," Raph said.

"I'm fine."

"You're tired all the time, you're weak, you're not eating right--"

"--and yet I still-handedly destroyed the foot clan and saved my siblings from a blazing skyscraper," Leo defended himself.

"And nearly got yourself killed," Raph said softly. "And when are you gonna take those bandages off your eyes?"

Leo held silent for a moment, finishing the soup and setting it down beside the bed, then turned his back to Raphael and burrowed under the blankets. Raphael must have known he was faking sleep, but he didn't say anything. Leo didn't know how long he lay like that, trying not to think about his self-imposed blindness. No doubt Donatello had several of his darkened masks for him, but he couldn't bear the thought of seeing anything right now. He remembered how the world looked when he saw it with feeder eyes. He was scared he might still see it the same way.

He didn't realize he'd fallen asleep until the familiar sounds of demons in the dark rushed over him, the flood of death and corpses filling the room as blood flowed over his hands. He breathed in sharply and shook his head, trying to block the sounds out, sick of revisiting this world every time he fell asleep. He knew he was dreaming but he couldn't drive the memories away. The only way to stop the game from overwhelming him was to fight back, but that only dragged him in deeper until he forgot he was dreaming. Screamers skittered towards him, their teeth gleaming in the faint light, and he had little choice but to flex his own claws and--

A soft touch on his shoulder drove the sounds away, leaving him in complete silence. The demons faded away and blood vanished. Even his claws started to fade, and he watched his hands slowly change from three-pronged talons to his normal fingers. All around him, the dark halls of the game changed to the main room of the lair. He sighed in relief and sat by the stream, comforted by the faint light playing on the water's surface. For some reason the lair was always dark and empty when he came out of a nightmare, his brothers and master far away. The loneliness was comforting.

Some time later he woke up. The house was just as silent as his dream and for a moment he wondered if he was still asleep, but after a few seconds he grew aware of one of his brothers' hands on his shoulder, limp and heavy. And cold. Had they turned off the heat? He sat straight and listened for his brother's breathing, but he heard nothing but his own harsh hisses. The hand fell away but still his brother didn't wake up. A chill ran through him and he ripped off his blindfold.

Raphael's lifeless eyes stared at the ceiling, his throat torn open with great rends in his arms and legs. Beside him, half on the bed and half off, Mike lay against Raphael's side. Mike's own hand was gone, his arm stripped of flesh right down to the bone. With a strangled cry, Leo backed away, falling to the floor and landing on what was left of Donatello. His brown eyes had been gouged out, his face chewed off.

Shaking uncontrollably, Leo stared at their bodies, unable to look away. The entire room was red, splattered with blood and gore. He stopped moving and brought his hands up. His claws, sharper than his swords, still held bits of skin on the edges, and as he swallowed reflexively, he tasted dried blood on his teeth. He tried to scream but his voice wouldn't work and he scrambled back.

When he fell off the couch, he knew he was awake this time. Afraid of what he might see, he slowly tugged the bandages off his eyes and looked around the room, squinting in the bright light. The room was clean, the walls white, and Raphael lay fast asleep on the other side of the daybed. Mike slept draped over the armchair, snoring loudly, and Donatello lay on the recliner, a cushion holding up the book he'd fallen asleep reading.

"A dream," he whispered to himself. "Just a dream, just a dream, just...oh God." He curled up and lowered his head, trying to force the image of his dead brothers out of his mind. It wouldn't leave; it only grew stronger. The room felt tiny and the air thick, suffocating, pushing in on him and threatening to drown him. With a muffled groan, he stood up, ignoring the sudden dizzyness as he limped towards the front door. To his surprise, it wasn't locked, but he didn't even think about scolding his siblings. Instead he silently opened it and stepped onto the front porch, not caring if he closed it behind himself.

The sunlight glared off the snow covering the ground and trees and made the world almost blindingly white. He closed his eyes again and grabbed the railing, taking a deep, cold breath. Snowflakes hit his hands and face and he shivered. He couldn't stop shaking but at least he could breathe. The images burned in his closed eyes and he clung to the railing. A nightmare, or a taste of things to come?

Someone draped a blanket over his shoulders. Startled, he looked to his left and found Raphael standing next to him, wrapped in his own blanket and staring at him. Leo blinked. Now that he looked properly at his brother, he noticed all the bruises on his arms and face. He breathed out and looked down at Raphael's hands, the fading burns on his palms. Were Mike and Don just as battered? Of course. He'd dragged him down a burning building, why didn't he realize they'd be hurt?

"Leo?" Raphael touched his arm and Leo realized he'd asked something.

"What?"

Raphael stared into his eyes as if he could read his thoughts, and Leo briefly wondered if his eyes were still pitch black or if they'd miraculously turned back to normal. Then he remembered how long Don thought purging his DNA of breeder genetics would take and slumped slightly.

"Leo...are you all right? I heard the door and saw you standing out here. You weren't planning on running off, were you?"

"No, not planning," Leo said. Whether he'd spontaneously dash for the forest and save his siblings from himself, he couldn't say, especially if he had that nightmare again.

Raphael noticed the verbal equivocating but didn't press it. Leo wasn't actually running, so he could afford to give him some benefit of the doubt. "How're your eyes feeling?"

"A little harder to see," he said. "Sunlight still hurts. I'll probably feel better when the sun sets."

When his brother didn't respond, he realized something was wrong. He lowered his head and leaned a little harder on the railing. "It's nighttime, isn't it?" he whispered.

"It's the full moon," Raph said quickly, "it's strong out here without any city lights, and the stars are really freakin' bright."

Leonardo didn't answer. His world suddenly cut in half, he realized he would be completely blind during the day. He'd only be able to see at night, and only with the help of a dark mask at that. How far gone was he? All he needed were the claws and irrational bloodlust, and those were just a nightmare away. There was no way Don could save him, his shots were just staving off the inevitable...Leo winced. Those horrible, painful shots...maybe he should spare them all the effort and run away, run far away and--

"You just have to give it time," Raph said. "You went really deep this time, but now that we know what's happening, we can slow it down. Bring you back."

"How can you be sure?" Leo asked. "I'm more like...that thing...than I'm like you anymore."

"That's not true," Raph said. His brother didn't even turn towards him and he wondered what he'd seen in his nightmares this time to scare him so badly. "And I'm tired of trying to convince you that you're still my brother."

"You don't understand," Leo said. He pulled the blanket tight around himself like a shield. "Turning into that thing, it...it's not just the claws or the eyes. I think differently. Everyone becomes a target. It's not like I go insane, Raph, it's more like it pushes me out and takes over."

"If that was true we'd all be dead now," Raph said, glancing through the door to make sure their siblings were still asleep. "I admit, the bloodlust made you attack me, but once Shredder was dead, you didn't try to hurt me again."

"Raph--"

"No, you listen to me. You can't think straight when that thing in you takes over, I get it. But you're still you. You keep harpin' on how you got us all out, but I guess you ain't listening to yourself. You haven't hurt us 'cause you'll never hurt us, and I swear to God, if you ever try running off 'cause you're afraid I'll drag you back myself." He took a deep breath and stared at his brother, who again didn't answer. "You saw something different tonight, didn't you?" Leo shifted, and Raph nodded to himself. Bingo. "What was the nightmare this time?"

"...I don't want to talk about it--"

"You don't got a choice. I know you're thinking about taking off again, and that's what got you into this mess in the first place. So spill."

Leo visibly flinched. Without the mask or his blindfold, it was easy to read his expression. Raphael sighed and put his hand on Leo's, holding him still when he tried to jerk away. "Fine. I'll guess. You dreamed we were dead?"

"I..."

The sharp intake of breath told Raph he was right. "And you'd killed us?"

Leo didn't answer for several seconds. When he did, he turned his head away. "That wasn't all I'd done."

Wasn't all? Raphael remembered what feeders did and froze. "Oh...geez...you thought you...?"

"I thought I was awake," Leo whispered. "I was on the couch, but something was wrong, and when I took off my bandages...I'd torn you apart. I'd stripped most of Mike's arm off, and Donatello...I think I ate his eyes." He groaned and leaned on the railing, feeling even worse than when he'd just woken up. The dream was slowly fading from his memory, but flashes of his siblings' mutilated bodies remained so vivid that he knew they'd never fade.

Beside him, Raphael felt a little sick. He'd been hoping his brother was just being paranoid as usual. He couldn't imagine that...even in a dream, that his brother would...

The snowflakes started falling harder, stinging when they hit, and Raphael reached to brush off the small layer on his mask. He'd worry about this dream later. Right now, Leo looked like he wanted nothing more than to shake free and disappear into the woods. He knew he could drag his brother back inside easily, but that wouldn't work forever.

Leo didn't seem to notice his brother's problem, too focused on his own worries. "What if I don't come back, Raph?" he asked. "What if this is as far as I get?"

"It's not." He couldn't help stepping closer and putting his arm around his brother. "You're already getting better. You just have to give it time. You can't let this rattle you."

"It's too much to risk," Leo said, turning away. "It hurts just thinking about it."

Realizing his brother could probably beat himself up for hours, Raphael lost his last bit of patience and snapped, "look, running off ain't gonna solve anything. You're just gonna have to accept that it's gonna take time. And I mean it, if you even try to disappear, I'll carry you back home and lock you in the lair."

To Raphael's surprise, Leo smiled. "I can't even run off at night for fun?"

"Of course not," Raph said, "it's too dangerous right now. You're unpredictable."

"'Unpredictable'," Leo echoed, his smile growing. "When did my obnoxious little brother turn into Splinter, junior?"

Raphael smirked. "Since my big brother got sick of the job. And speaking of which...I, uh..." he sighed and shook his head. "Y'know what, never mind. I shouldn't spring this on you just yet--"

"You want me to take it back," Leo said softly.

Raphael blinked in surprise. "How'd you know?"

"The way you've been acting since we got here. Tired, but like you're expecting some kind of relief soon." Leo tilted his head, popping a joint in his neck. "And it's how I'd feel if I'd shouldered all the weight you had to carry this year."

The deep guilt in Leo's voice made Raph wince. "It's not like you could control a lot of what happened," he offered.

"I know, and that only made it harder on you." Leo breathed out and leaned tiredly on his sibling. He hadn't been up for this long for several days and the effort was exhausting. "Just give me a little while longer. Another couple of months. Then I can go back to bossing you around."

"You sure? 'Cause you're gonna be resting for awhile even after we get back and I don't want to put too much on you."

"I'm sure. Truth is, I kinda missed being in charge." His smile grew a little. "I didn't realize how much I hate taking orders."

"Sucks, don't it?" Raph grinned. "Can't believe I'll be happy when you take it back."

"Neither can I," Leo said dryly. "I know you too well, you'll be complaining the moment I say you can't do something."

"Then don't tell me not to do anything," Raph said. "And in return, I promise not to get under your skin so often."

"I'll believe that when I see it." Leonardo sighed. The nightmare hadn't left him, but having his brother there made it a little easier to handle. "I'd better go back in. I feel like I'm gonna fall asleep."

"After breakfast," Raphael insisted, relieved when Leo didn't argue. Even though he knew Leo could find his way blind, he still took his hand and guided him back into the house, leading him back to the bed and dropping his extra blanket on top of him.

His eyes still shut, Leonardo listened to his brother move through the kitchen. For now he could barely stand to move around, but maybe in a couple of weeks...if he really did start getting better...he sighed as he realized Raphael was right. Coming back from near death was going to take longer than a couple of weeks.

"Mmf..." Mike stirred on the armchair, wincing as he stretched. He yawned and glanced over to see if Raphael was still at Leo's side. "Oh, you're awake. Where's Raph?"

Leo couldn't help burrowing under the blankets a little more. Even with the heat on, standing outside during a snowfall left him freezing. "In the kitchen."

"Cooking already?" Mike looked out the window. "It's still dark. Hey, it's snowing!"

Dark? Leo cracked an eye and winced. Looked more like a sunny day to him. "Mike, do you know if Don brought any of my masks with him?"

"I think so." Mike rolled off the chair and onto the floor, crawling the couple of feet over to where they'd stacked the bags they'd brought with them. He dug around for a few seconds, then tossed something onto the bed. "Found one. I know he's got more, but his bag's always so messy."

"Absent-minded genius," Leo said, slipping the mask over his eyes and turning the room a dark sepia color. Now he could open his eyes without risking a headache.

"Mind if I turn on the tv?" Mike asked, grabbing the remote while he sat back down.

"Go ahead," Leo answered. While his little brother flipped channels so fast that the flashing lights made him turn away, he listened to the wind and ice outside and to Raphael working busily in the kitchen. He didn't feel like eating ever again, but Mike's chatter slowly eased the hurt of his nightmare. Maybe Raphael was right and things would get better after a few months. And maybe it would only get worse, he knew, but he couldn't give up hope, not when it meant giving up his family.

"Hope plain ol' bacon and eggs is good," Raph called out, "'cause that's all yer getting!"

"Sounds good!" Mike yelled back.

Quiet, but not so quiet that Leo couldn't hear, Raphael groaned as he realized he'd have to cook three servings instead of two. And when Donatello woke up, snapping at Mike to turn the volume down, Raphael broke down and dug out enough for four.

"Hey, you're up," Donatello said, getting off the sofa and sitting next to Leonardo. "How're you feeling?"

"Tired, but better." He held still as Don moved the mask up and made him open his eyes. He grimaced and leaned back, closing them again.

"Sorry," Don said. "More sensitive than before?"

"A lot more. The room looks as bright as day, and outside I could barely stand to look up."

"Uh-huh. Well, I'm not entirely surprised. Your eyes seem the most susceptible to further mutation." He let Leo put his mask back down but he frowned as a thought occurred to him. "Outside?"

"Uh...yeah. I had a nightmare, so I went outside to clear my head."

Without another word, Donatello gently pushed him to one side and tugged the bandages on his side just enough to check on the wound underneath. He sighed in relief and glared at his big brother. "You're lucky, it didn't re-open. The stitches look like they're finally taking. But no more walking around outside, got it?"

"Got it." It was healing? That was good then, he reasoned, since feeders weren't designed to heal. His own genetics were finally starting to fight back. He wasn't naive enough to think he wouldn't have another nightmare or feel anything but revulsion for most food yet, but...it was a start.

And when he was able to eat what everyone else was eating while watching a nature documentary on lions in Africa, he finally felt a little more normal. True, the bacon reminded him of strips of flesh and the eggs of brains and internal organs, and the lions hunting gazelles reminded him of demons chasing after swift screamers. This was a small victory but it was still a victory, and after so many losses, he would take what he could get.

TBC...