Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ Why Am I Still Writing This Crap? ( Chapter 14 )

(It was a dark and stormy night at the Mishima home...)

 

Heihachi: (enters) Kazuya, I've received news that old friends of your grandfather Jinpachi are holding a gathering under suspicious circumstances at his estate, and we've been invited!

 

Kazuya: Didn't he live in an abandoned mansion? Where seven people were found brutally murdered before it was closed off to the public?

 

Heihachi: Yes, I believe it was called the slaughter house. Well, you'd better get ready, we're leaving in a few minutes.

 

Kazuya: It's tonight? The weather's pretty bad outside...

 

Heihachi: Quite a storm, isn't it? There's already been several fatal accidents reported in the past hour, they say it's suicide to be out in this weather. I'll go start up the car.

 

Kazuya: A party held in a creepy old mansion, by a group of suspicious strangers, in the middle of the night, during a storm.....he's gotta be kidding if he thinks I'd be so stupid...

 

Jun: (comes in) Who wants cookies?

 

Kazuya: (sighs) Then again, I've probably made worse decisions in my life...

 

(at Jinpachi's mansion)

 

Wang: Friends, I thank you all for coming here tonight in memory of our beloved Jinpachi. Alas, I have invited you here tonight not because of a death that has happened, but a death that has yet to be. MINE! (throws hands dramatically into the air as lightning goes off on cue) You see, it has recently come to my attention that someone here in this very room wishes to make an attempt upon my life, and rather than running from fate, I have decided to face my unknown opponent by bringing together the players of our grand performance. I know not the identity of my would be assassin, but he, or she, wanted to do battle with me, to take what few years remained of my tiresome old life, so I accept their challenge, and in fact have likened their odds, by presenting them with this Colt Derringer which I have placed on the table. Now, who shall be the first to take it? We shall see... (turns off the lights)

 

(a gunshot is heard)

 

Wang: AAAAAAAHHHHH, MY LIFE!!!

 

(the lights turn back on, revealing a dead Wang)

 

Heihachi: He's dead!

 

Jun: But...who could have done this...?

 

(everyone looks at Kazuya)

 

Kazuya: You can all go to hell.

 

Heihachi: In any case, there's a killer in this room, and it could be any one of us...

 

Everyone: (GASP!)

 

(hearing the call of duty, inspector Lei Wulong of Scotland Yard wastes no time in arriving at the scene of the crime)

 

(in the Study)

 

Lei: Gentlemen, I thank you all for gathering here...

 

Kazuya: You wouldn't let us leave.

 

Lei: Yes, and I'm afraid I can't until I discover the identity of the killer. All of you are suspects, and as such, you shall remain here until the party responsible for this dastardly act is revealed. Thus I have arranged a series of interrogations with each of you, listening carefully to your stories, perchance catching you upon a slip of the tongue, until the fiend is revealed. Now let us look at our line of suspects:

 

Lei: Worldwide crimelord and illegal arms dealer, Heihachi Mishima.

 

Lei: Worldwide crimelord and illegal arms dealer, Kazuya Mishima.

 

Lei: Crazed scientist that puts boxing gloves on animals, Dr. Boskonovitch.

 

Lei: Suspected drugdealer and confirmed asshole, Bryan Fury.

 

Bryan: ---- you, Wulong!

 

Lei: And finally, most suspiciously of all, 'innocent housewife and mother', Jun Kazama...

 

Jun: Good evening, officer!

 

Lei: Cut the crap, that cute little act may have fooled the others, but it doesn't work on me, what's your game, woman!

 

Jun: This has been a wonderful party, Kazuya and I have really enjoyed ourselves!

 

Lei: Just tell me why you did it, you have some kind of inheritance, that old guy got something on you, maybe he was an old lover, huh?

 

(Jun smiles innocently)

 

Lei: Or maybe you're just sick, this shit turn you on, you got some sort of sick fetish from killing people? Is that it? I bet you're thinking about what you'd like to do to me, am I right, you'd just love to have a piece of me, you sick ----, then go ahead, kill me right now, I ----ing dare you! (shoves his gun into Jun's hands)

 

Kazuya: Uh, what....what the hell is he doing...?

 

Bryan: That idiot's the world's worst negotiator, there hasn't been one hostage situation he was involved in that didn't result in a massacre.

 

Lei: Go on, pull the trigger, you sadistic bitch, I know you ----ing want to!

(a few minutes after Lei has been restrained)

 

Lei: Now that we have seen our assembled group of rogues, my investigation begins, and I can assure you that before this night is done, someone in this room shall be brought to justice!

 

(Lei is interviewing Dr. Boskonovitch)

 

Lei: How exactly did you know the victim?

 

Dr. Boskonovitch: I was a good friend of his.

 

Lei: When did you two meet?

 

Dr. Boskonovitch: It was a couple days ago, he came to me because he had a rare disease and needed a new kidney.

 

Lei: Where'd you find a kidney?

 

Dr. Boskonovitch: I didn't, I instead taught his remaining kidney how to box. He actually only had a few more days to live.

 

Lei: ..........you taught an organ how to box?

 

Dr. Boskonovitch: Yes.

 

Lei: .........do you have any idea how incredibly fu..............never mind...

 

(Lei is interviewing Heihachi)

 

Lei: So how did you become acquainted with the victim?

 

Heihachi: I never knew the man, actually.

 

Lei: Then why did you come here?

 

Heihachi: I simply wanted to lure my ungrateful son here in order to bludgeon him to death from behind when he was completely unaware, so I could use his remains to obtain the unholy demonic powers of the devil in order to enslave this world in a new age of darkness so that I may expand my own rule of death and terror.

 

Lei: ....alright then. Just checking.

(everyone is gathered in the Conservatory)

 

Lei: After much investigating, through deducing every possible outcome, and analyzing every story, I have come to a final conclusion on the identity of the murderer. So it is that after much deduction, I reveal our culprit, the one responsible for such foul villainy, the antoganist in our story, the guest who came here tonight with the intention of murder. Our host's killer was in fact, none other than the but...

 

(Kazuya, who didn't bother to stay for the whole conversation but instead left for the kitchen to find something to eat, returns)

 

Kazuya: Hey, I just found another dead body, it looks like someone killed the butler.

 

Lei: .....really?

 

Kazuya: Yeah, he's dead. Someone made a real mess of him. Sick son of a bitch.

 

Lei: ....are you sure?

 

Kazuya: I'm pretty sure, unless he didn't need his intestines...

 

Jun: (still smiling) Oh, this sounds fun! It's just like one of those murder mysteries!

 

Heihachi: ...........Indeed. So what was it you were going to say about the killer's identity, inspector?

 

Lei: Huh? Oh, uh........yeah, the killer's.....the killer's, uh......did I say I found out who the killer was?

 

(everyone nods)

 

Lei: .....yeah, I mean, I meant to say that I've almost found out who the killer is. Yeah. I'm real close. Almost got it. Have a real good feeling about this one. (slowly leaves the room)

Everyone: .....

 

Dr. Boskonovitch: (insert random boxing joke here)

 

(Lei is interviewing Kazuya)

 

Lei: Were you familiar with the deceased party?

 

Kazuya: No, and I don't see why I should give a damn, old people always have just a few years left on them anyway, it's just that some cling to life longer than others. (glares at Heihachi)

 

Lei: In any case, someone here clearly wanted him dead, and no one's leaving until I get some answers from one of you.

 

Kazuya: Look, why are we making such a big deal of this, the guy was an idiot, I mean he knew someone here wanted to kill him, so he put a gun on the table and turned off the lights. Someone that stupid deserves to die. (glares at Jun)

 

(Jun waves back)

 

(Lei is interviewing Bryan)

 

Lei: Okay, Bryan, we both know you did it, just confess now and you'll save both of us some time.

 

Bryan: You're full of ----, I've never killed anyone in my life! Except that one guy who didn't get me the money he owed. And that punk who didn't make the delivery on time. And the guy who called me Ryan Fury. And my ex-wife. And my illegitimate son. And that old guy Wang. And a few hookers.

 

Lei: ......what was that one before the hookers?

 

Bryan: My son.

 

Lei: ...oh. Okay.

 

(everyone is gathered in the Billiard Room)

 

Lei: After much more investigating, through deducing every remaining outcome, and analyzing every story again, I have come to a final, final conclusion on the identity of the murderer. So it is that after much deduction, I reveal our culprit, the one responsible for such foul villainy, the antoganist in our story, the guest who came here tonight with the intention of murder. Our host's killer was in fact, none other than...

 

(Lei turns toward a mirror)

 

Lei: ME!

 

Everyone: (GASP!)

 

Lei: That's right, I'm the one who did it, but you'll never catch me!

 

Lei: I'm afraid you're mistaken, I'm placing you under arrest!

 

Lei: No, you'll never take me alive!

 

Lei: Stop resisting, or I'll shoot!

(Several gunshots later)

 

Heihachi: So, the killer was in fact none other than the man who claimed to hold reason to catch him. What an epic and thrilling conclusion to a most strange and misleading mystery...

 

End Of Chapter 14

 

Kazuya: WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! What the hell is this?! The detective was the killer? That doesn't make any sense, he wasn't even here when the first murder happened, and since when has he ever shown any sign of being schizophrenic, it's like someone just thought this shit up!

 

Heihachi: What an epic and thrilling conclusion to a most strange and misleading mystery...

 

Kazuya: ---- this, if I were the killer, I'd have killed all of you! (leaves)

 

Dr. Boskonovitch: .......oh, that's right! I killed the butler!

 

Heihachi: Hah hah, that's our Boskonovitch!

(everyone laughs)

 

End Of Chapter 14

 

Different Wang, as you can tell. Or something like that. I don't really work on character development, do I? Or continuity. Or plot. Or halfway intelligent dialogue. I don't even really work. I wrote this on a napkin at Bennigan's.

 

......you know this is my second Halloween special for this story(or at least it was intended to be, but I had to move out suddenly, this should've been up weeks ago) Which of course says one thing....what the hell have I been doing with my life? A whole year? I've been writing this crap for a year? Was it even worth it? Shit, I already know the answer to that.
...which is no. It's not. Hell, after they removed one of my stories (10 chapters long) from here for reasons they never even explained, I'd sworn off this place and writing in general (the latter of which was probably a benefit to the world) and yet for some reason I'm writing this right here. Not sure why. Maybe I'll write another chapter, at least if I can still see people like it, in fact that's probably what motivated me to write this in the first place. Took longer than I expected. Probably means my writing skill's slipping. Which is sad when you look at what I wrote when it was considered 'good'.

 

Anyway, for now I'm out, and I'm afraid I can't promise a Thanksgiving fic.

....I mean, who the hell writes Thanksgiving fics?