Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ Heh, I Lied, It'll Never Be Funny ( Chapter 18 )

(Jun, Jin, and Asuka are eating dinner)

 

Kazuya: (enters) Goddamned commie liberal hippy terrorist sons of bitches! (slams door shut)

 

(audience cheers)

 

Jun: Kazuya, this is-

 

Kazuya: This is a travesty, is what this is, Jun! Can you believe the mentality of people these days, I mean a kid goes out, sees a game they want, a game they were never meant to play, they go home to their dumb bitch of a mother, whine at her saying they want it, and the irresponsible whore looks at it, knowing full well the kind of shit it has, but still decides to get it, then freaks out when they see the kid playing the game, yet does nothing to stop them, and it's only after they kill someone that they finally act, by holding the game makers accountable for the fact that their kid's a sick son of a bitch!

 

(Everyone stares at Kazuya)

 

Kazuya: ...I'll take my dinner to my room. (grabs a plate of cookies and leaves)

 

Asuka: He didn't seem very happy to see me.

 

Jun: Don't worry, it's probably for the best when he ignores guests.

 

(Kazuya is watching television)

 

Television: There was great rejoicing today, as Congress officially raised the rate of minimum wage to $5.30 an hour.

 

Kazuya: WHAT? I HAVE TO PAY EVEN MORE TO THOSE BLOOD-SUCKING BASTARDS NOW?!

 

Television: And in other news, President Johnson has expressed her concern today over-

 

Kazuya: P-President HER? What the hell is going on here?!!

 

(Kazuya turns off the television)

 

Kazuya: Jun, it's just like I'm always tellin' ya, with this liberal movement for change and so-called 'progress', doomsday's finally arrived!

 

Jun: (adjusting her tie) That's nice, dear.

 

Kazuya: ......Jun, are you wearing a suit?

 

Jun: Well I can't wear something informal, now can I, this is a very important account. (kisses Kazuya on the cheek) Bye, Kazuya, I'm sure you'll have this place spotless by the time I get back! (leaves)

 

Kazuya: .....OH, DEAR GOD!

 

(Heihachi enters carrying a suitcase)

 

Heihachi: And how's my favorite son doing?

 

Kazuya: What the hell are you doing here?

 

Heihachi: Don't you remember, I'm moving in today!

 

Kazuya: WHAT THE HELL?

 

(Jinpachi enters carrying a suitcase)

 

Jinpachi: And how's my favorite grandson doing?

 

Kazuya: What the hell are you doing here?

 

Jinpachi: Don't you remember, I'm moving in today!

 

Kazuya: WHAT THE F-

 

(Jin and Hwoarang enter)

 

Jin: Dad, we've got great news!

 

Kazuya: Huh? What's he doing here?

 

Jin: I love him!

 

Kazuya: HuWAAAAHHH???

 

Jin: All these fights, this bitter rivalry, the constant fights, we were just denying our true feelings this whole time!

 

Hwoarang: Yeah, I thought I hated him for years, but over time, I started to realize that the reason for my hate wasn't out of resentment, but attraction!

 

Kazuya: You mean, you two are...are...

 

Jin: Yes, we're in love!

 

Hwoarang: And now that gay marriage has been legalized across the country...

 

Kazuya: GLZHITZ! (clutches chest)

 

Jin: Are you alright, Dad?

 

Kazuya: Fine...just fine...I just think I'm having a stroke...

 

(Lee enters with his secretary carrying a suitcase)

 

Lee: And how's my favorite bro doing?

 

Kazuya: Oh....oh no...

 

Lee: Don't you remember, we're moving in today! Oh, but I still have a business to run, mind you, so don't think just because I'm staying here for the next 3 years that I'm going to allow a slouch in my company's stocks, so I've prepared a simple list of about a dozen rules or so that I want you to follow during business hours.

 

(Lee's secretary hands Kazuya the memo)

 

Lee: Oh by the way, I'm sure you've been hearing talk about the upcoming Tekken movie as of late...

 

Heihachi: Oh, I just love video game movies, Alone in the Dark was a masterpiece!

 

Jinpachi: My favorite's House of the Dead, it's like I was actually watching one of the games!

 

Lee: Anyway, I've got some great news about the direction of the film, it seems through legal issues, Charles Stone quit the project, so another director was found to take his place! You're not gonna believe who we got!

 

Jin: Who, Steven Spielberg?

 

Hwoarang: Is it Ridley Scott?

 

Lee: Better! UWE BOLL!

 

(Kazuya wakes up screaming)

 

Kazuya: Oh god.....OH THANK GOD....it was all just a dream...

 

(Kazuya brushes off the remaining pile of half-eaten cookies)

 

Kazuya: I....I need to get some fresh air...

 

(Kazuya is in the living room watching television when Jin enters)

 

Jin: Are you alright, Dad?

 

Kazuya: Of course I'm alright, what makes you think I'm not alright, I mean clearly you can tell I'm alright.

 

Jin: It's just that you seem a little.....tense...

 

Kazuya: (repeatedly poking holes into a photo of Jun with a knife) Huh?

 

Jin: Is there something you want to talk about that's happening at work?

 

Kazuya: ...ah, forget it. I don't even want to think about it. Right now, I just want to relax. (turns the channel)

 

(a panel of experts are discussing the positive and negative effects of video games on society)

 

Panelist #2: I think games like Frogger were very beneficial to children, they taught them to be objective, goal-seeking, and-

 

Panelist #1: I'm sorry to interrupt, it's just that you are an idiot. The only reason kids played Frogger was because they liked seeing the frog get squashed in traffic, that basically got them interested in animal mutilation, next thing you know the highways are covered with roadkill because they're throwing small animals out into traffic to get run over. I have a son, and I don't want him to become 'objective' from playing some game like Frogger, I already have to watch everything he does all day, the last thing I need is to keep a close eye on him in order to see that he doesn't go dodging through traffic, role-playing as some suicidal little frog.

 

Panelist #2: I think a graphical system composed of simple pixels would hardly con-

 

Panelist #1: And then they came out with all these Lemmings games, where you've got these cute little animals walking off to their deaths, I mean where did someone even come up with the idea of some suicidal little animal that likes walking off cliffs, what kind of garbage is that?

 

Panelist #2: I believe your problem is that you're simply looking for things to complain about in these games, I honestly think you'd find something dangerous about Pac-Man.

 

Panelist #1: As a matter of fact, yes, there is a clear and unsafe message present in Pac-Man. You'd know that if your I.Q. consisted of multiple digits like the rest of us. In the game, you've got these ghosts chasing after and harrassing Pac-Man, until he finds the pellet that lets him go after them, so what it's really about is Pac-Man getting revenge on the ghosts that have been bullying him, and I don't know about you, but the only way that could get any more clearly metaphorical is if you turned the big dot into a gun. I can guarantee you, set an anti-social child down and force him to play a few minutes of this game, he will go on a shooting spree.

 

Host: Now I think you're getting a bit carried away there, don't you, I mean to suggest that it actually encourages school violence...

 

Panelist #1: No, you see, it's not just that, I don't think it's just limited to your days in high school, why do you think it is that you're being chased by ghosts? You're haunted by ghosts, ghosts of your past, and what better way to get rid of ghosts that have been haunting you your whole life than by killing them? I'm quite confident that it's not only suggesting that children should bring guns to school, but that when they grow up, they should hunt down and kill the people who've harrassed them. I have a son, and he's probably what you'd call a bully, now I don't intervene, I mean they're just kids, it's not doing anyone harm, and it's probably just something he needs to get out of his system, but I don't need to be worrying about his welfare for the rest of his life, just because there might be some screwed-up kid who can't take a joke or two.

 

Host: But surely there must be some games that are safe for children to play, such as Tetris or Mario Brothers...

 

Panelist #1: Mario, sir, is sexist trash. What you have every game, and they must have be up to Super Mario 300 by now or whatever, I don't know, but it always has the weak princess who is of course a helpless woman needing to be saved by the big strong man, reinforcing in children these age-old chivalrous beliefs that they need to protect women, it's disgusting. And note he's one of the most well-known icons in the industry, and he's Italian. Since when have Italians been good role-models for children? Let me tell you, I've seen some of Godfather III, and it is disgusting. I have a son, and I'd never let him watch filth like that. It's disgusting.

 

Host: But to im-

 

Panelist #1: And as for Tetris, I don't even know what to say about a game that has people trying to fit the stick in the hole. If that doesn't sound Freudian, I don't know what does. And who designed Tetris, for that matter? The Russians. I rest my case.

 

Host: ...I suppose then that about brings this debate to a clo-

 

Panelist #1: I'd also like to stress something of great importance that I feel must be addressed. Now I have a son, and the other day I saw him playing this game Takken or something, or some other Chinese word I'm not familiar with, but anyway in this game, the whole concept was two people beating each other up like something out of a cock fight, and there was this one part where a woman actually grabbed the other character's arm and snapped it, it was so sickening I thought I was going to vomit, and yet immediately afterwards the two carry on as if nothing has happened. Here I am, watching my 15 year-old son play this game, and I'm wondering what's going through his head, and I'm realizing I'm scared for my life, who's to say I won't wake up one morning and he'll just jump me from behind, breaking my arm then running off like it's nothing. These kinds of games are the worst of all, with the whole point revolving around senseless violence and trying to beat people senselessly, this sort of filth is disgusting, and when I think that it's out there, corrupting the minds of innocent children like my 15 year-old so-

 

(television is smashed by an errant object)

 

Jin: Dad, you could've just used the remote!

 

Kazuya: I did. (points to the remote control lodged in the television)

 

(later that night)

 

Kazuya: (wearing a German WWI helmet behind a fortress of toilet paper in the corner) They're against me, all of them, they're all against me...

 

Jun: Kazuya, I know that you've been going through a bit of stress lately, with the trial and the mental breakdown you seem to be experiencing, but that still doesn't excuse your rudeness to Asuka.

 

Kazuya: Rude? We're in the middle of a war, a war being waged by the subversive right-wing media in an attempt to feed upon our minds and deny our right of free thought, what could I have possibly done in such a desperate state of national emergency that could be condemned as rude?

 

Jun: In the entire time Asuka's been here, you haven't even acknowledged her existance!

 

Kazuya: That's not true! I distinctly recall asking her to pass the ketchup at dinner!

 

Jun: Kazuya, why aren't you ever warm or welcoming to guests when they come to visit?

 

Kazuya: Jun, there are two kinds of people in this world, people I hate, and people I haven't met yet. I've known Asuka long enough to disqualify her from the second category. By process of elimination, I'm required to hate her.

 

Jun: I don't understand why you're so hostile, Asuka's a very intelligent young woman, in fact maybe if you had a talk with her, she just might consider going into the business world like you did.

 

Kazuya: Oh, that'd be great. Just what we need, first it's women in the workforce, then it's women in the voting booths, now I'm hearing all this fancy liberal shit about women running companies! Woman aren't meant to hold power, Jun! They panic under pressure, God made them that way! After Eve ate the apple, he realized, and I do mean HE, that ambitious women were a threat to mankind, so he designed them to remain in their subservient positions, that's why women holding power has always led to trouble, it happened with Cleopatra when she lost the war against the Greeks, it happened with Queen Mary when she massacred the Protesters in England, and it happened with Joan of Arc when she helped win the war for those stinking Fren-

 

Jun: KAZUYA MISHIMA, RIGHT NOW WE HAVE COMPANY, AND I EXPECT YOU TO SHOW SOME COURTESY!

 

Kazuya: ...yes, ma'am.

 

(Kazuya slowly sulks off)

 

Jun: Oh, and the cookies will be done in five minutes!

 

Kazuya: ...thank you.

 

(outside Jin's room)

 

Kazuya: No lousey woman's gonna tell me what to do, not as long as I'm the man of the house, when I get back there I'm gonna tell her I was just letting her think she's-

 

(Kazuya hears voices)

 

Asuka: Careful, 'Doctor Jin', that's a delicate area! (giggles)

 

Jin: Heh, sorry, I just get a little nervous when I'm playing with girls...

 

Kazuya: Hah hah, that's my boy! What a womanizer! (walks off smuggly)

 

Jun: Kazuya, did you talk to Asuka?

 

Kazuya: Don't worry, Jun, they're just screwing around upstairs. Heh heh.

 

Jun: Oh, I'm so glad Asuka could come to visit, it's been so many years since Jin's seen his cousin!

 

Kazuya: Believe me, Jun, when my family comes to visit, the last thing I....

 

(Kazuya stares at Jun)

 

Kazuya: ...........didyousaycousin?

 

Jun: Of course, Asuka's your niece, remember?

 

Kazuya: DAMN IT, JUN, YOU KNOW I'VE NEVER BOTHERED TO REMEMBER IN-LAWS!

 

Jun: ...Kazuya, is something wrong?

 

Kazuya: DEAR GOD, I ALWAYS KNEW HE WAS A LITTLE SCREWY, BUT I NEVER THOUGHT IT'D END UP LIKE THIS!

 

(Kazuya turns to Jun)

 

Kazuya: THIS IS YOUR FAULT, YOU HAD TO KEEP HIM ALL SHELTERED UP LIKE SOME INBRED FREAK!!!

 

(Kazuya dashes out of the room)

 

(in Jin's room)

Asuka: Oh Jin, you're so good with your hands....

 

(Kazuya bursts through the door)

 

Kazuya: DEAR GOD, JIN, SHE'S YOUR COUSIN!!!

 

(Kazuya sees Jin and Asuka playing Operation, the popular family game by Milton Bradley)

 

Kazuya: ....should've known you never had the balls for it, anyhow. (leaves)

 

(End of Chapter 18)

 

I've recently started a profile at http://www.fictionpress.com/~gai

Yeah, I can write original, non-script format stories.

 

A while back, you might have heard how gaming history was being made with the release of two games, BMXXX and DOA: Beach Volleyball. Both games were said to be breaking bounderies, being the first games to feature topless nudity. Tecmo later changed their stance, not wanting to offend easily offended parents, but BMXXX was determined to take games to a whole new level, by being the first ever title to show breasts. Which was why they did it, of course. For the art. So BMXXX released the game, fully uncut. Of course you may have never heard any of this. Why would you? The game sold horribly. Which was why it was never the target of any opportunistic politicians with too much free time on their hands. Now, if we were talking Grand Theft Auto sales...

In any case, the point is, when it all came down to it, it was featuring topless nudity. The funny thing about this is of course the fact that topless nudity is something you could find in movies since the '60s. So, 40 years down the line, we're suddenly offended by topless nudity appearing in entertainment. And it's really all because of the fact that it's video games. People are just stricter with video games than they are with movies, or even television, for that matter. Because video games are for kids. Or at least that's what a lot of parents still believe. Even though there's a rating system, a large amount of parents are still convinced only children play video games, not even so much as bothering to glance down at the rating a game has recieved, or in some cases, misinterpreting them(such as the true case of a woman who bought Grand Theft Auto for her children, thinking the M stood for Mild. I wish I was making this up...). So as you can imagine, I'm having a lot of fun with this.

 

Though I hope no one believes I was defending BMXXX and DOA: Beach Volleyball because I think we need more games like them. I think it's an utter waste of money, for a mere fraction of the cost of one of these titles, you could just as easily buy an issue of Playboy. Hell, this is the internet. If you're reading this right now, you could be looking for porn. You don't even have to look for it to find the stuff, I've personally come across it frequently at school.

 

You know I hate to get political, but there's been something on my mind concerning this whole movement to blame the media for children's violent crimes, is this being led by conservatives or liberals? Because the whole 'the media is too violent' thing sounds like radical conservatives, but the 'if a child does something wrong, it's everything but their fault' thing seems like radical liberals. So I guess it's just radicals. Of some sort.

 

Yeah, they never said anything about how Asuka's related to the family, though I've heard this suggested a lot. I don't really care, I just did it for the sake of convenience.

 

Have you ever walked into a wall? I mean when you knew it was there.