Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Crossover Fan Fiction ❯ The Goddess Dilemma ❯ Four ( Chapter 4 )

Disclaimer: I am not in the habit of repeating myself. I make nothing, own nothing, see nothing, hear nothing. Leave my poor soul alone please.

 

Rant: I will do what I can to increase the level of detail here. Remember, this is NOT a serious fic. Even if I throw in a serious moment from time to time. Abusive flamers please press Control Alt Delete twice, and go away. I have already had to ban one abusive reviewer, so please let's stay constructive and clean on the language.

 

The Goddess Dilemma, part four

 

By: Jim Ohki

 

“Grandpa?” asked Ranma as his audience from outside literally crowded in to listen to the conversation. They were unprepared for a snort from the boy, followed by, “Yeah right. Pops told me over and over again that all of my grandparents were dead.”

 

“Clearly, that is not the case,” calmly responded Katsuhito, “In fact, I want you to talk to your uncle. Noboyuki, say hello to your nephew Ranma.”

 

There was a shuffling on the other end of the phone, followed by what sounded like the biggest nerd ever talking. Oh wait, that would be one of the bigger Hentai's talking.

 

“Ranma! Are you there?” asked Noboyuki, who could practically be heard jumping in place while waiting for the answer. Ranma looked cock-eyed at the phone, not quite understanding why he was getting such a reaction from the man on the other end of the line.

 

“Yeah, whadoya want?” responded Ranma very carefully, not wanting to be set up for anymore fiancées or trouble. Taking a look around him reminded the boy that he had enough problems, especially with the outfits of the people from the past. While he was used to short Chinese style dresses, the black number on Xianghua with matching black thigh-high boots nearly caused a nosebleed. After all, he DID have a nice view since she had one leg propped up on a randomly appearing chair . . . to prevent cramping. `Hmmm, commando . . .' thought Ranma, while waiting for the person on the other end to stop with the hysterics.

 

“Ranma, it is you!” exclaimed Noboyuki, “We had thought that no good brother of mine would have gotten you killed. Oh thank heavens!”

 

“Wait a minute,” said Ranma, “You're my dad's brother?” The aura of anger reappeared in the room, mostly from the NWC. If Genma had a brother, would he be as bad as the panda man himself?

 

Sounds of another scuffle broke out on the phone, accompanied by lots of shouting . . . female shouting. To see if the readers pay attention to the Tenchi OAV's, guess who said what.

 

“I need the phone!”

 

“Please don't fight!”

 

“How rude!”

 

“Children these days.”

 

“Who are you talking to father?”

 

“MIYA!!”

 

That last one did it. While Ranma could handle simultaneous shouting and such nonsense from women, the one thing he feared the most had just spoken.

 

“C-C-C-C-cat!” exclaimed Ranma, as he leaped to the ceiling. Even over the phone, the sounds of the beast would and could scare the living shit outta him. The phone was dropped to Nodoka, who tried to make sense of the gibberish coming from the other end. She caught partial pieces of the bedlam on the other end, until what sounded like a young man shouted for the fighting to stop. Instant silence, followed by said young man speaking into the phone.

 

“Who is this?”

 

“This is Nodoka Saotome,” she said, noting the sharp intake of breath, “And whom am I speaking with?”

 

“SAOTOME!” roared the voice, “Wait . . . Nodoka? As in Ranma's mother Nodoka?”

 

“Yes,” she replied, losing patience with the young man on the other end of the phone. “This is the last time I shall ask: Who am I talking to?”

 

“My name is Tenchi,” he responded, “Sorry about not giving you my name earlier, but . . .” He was interrupted by somebody on his end of the line. “Oh . . . okay, grandpa.” Now directly speaking to Nodoka, he said, “Is Ranma there? We heard his screaming something about a cat and wanted to make sure he was all right.”

 

By this point, Ranma had come down from the ceiling, making a two point landing. He was watching his mother, to determine if he should get back on the phone or not. Noticing the subtle come here finger waggle, he sauntered back over to her. He carefully took the receiver from her grasp, and slowly moved it to his head.

 

“What's going on here?” demanded a new voice, from right next to Ranma's ear. No, the phone receiver had yet to be placed there, so it came as such a surprise when the phone sprouted a head. Said head (ooh, a rhyme) had wild cyan hair, going every which way as it tapered towards the back. Faint `crab legs' of hair came from behind the face, obscuring the ears. Ooh, yeah . . . let's not forget the yellow cat slit eyes.

 

Ranma nearly screamed in soprano when the phone had sprouted the head, let alone when it began to talk. That had simply come out as a “GAH!!” as the phone receiver was thrown across the room. Then he caught sight of her eyes . . .

 

“AAAGGGHHH!!!” faded off in the distance as Ranma made a break for it. Those eyes belonged to the demons of lore, one of three things that could actually terrify Ranma Saotome. In his rush to vacate the scene, he had quite literally scooped nearly every female present into his wake.

 

The remaining few at the Tendo Dojo, including the mystery head, could only blink-blink at the retreating back of the boy.

 

“And he defeated you?” asked Kilik of Nightmare, who was the most bewildered of the situation.

 

“Must have been a fluke,” he replied, not wanting to take his eyes off of the direction Ranma had gone. He smirked at a hidden thought, which confused the others present. Being in rare form today, Nightmare decided to enlighten those present before they ran off after the boy.

 

“There is a small part of me that feels sorry for that boy,” he told the others as he had a seat. “After all, Cassandra is not . . . male friendly.” THUD! “Please wait for me to finish before falling down. Now then, if he survives the gauntlet known as Cassandra, Xianghua will have a thing or seven hundred to say.” THUD! Nightmare paused to pointedly look at the others who apparently were wearing greased socks on hardwood floors. They just couldn't stay standing . . . or seated. Once those remaining were situated properly, even that head in the phone, he restarted his thought.

 

“Xianghua is by nature a flirt, as is apparent by her attire,” explained Nightmare, “But beyond that, nobody truly knows. Well, a couple of us MIGHT know, but have been sworn to secrecy with the promise of death . . .” he was staring at Kilik, who was finding something on the floor interesting. “Oh yes,” resumed Nightmare, “I know all about that. But it is not the here or now. If Xianghua or Cassandra don't take him apart, Taki most certainly will.”

 

“Why is that?” asked Nodoka, “My son is many things, but even with his foot-in-mouth disease acquired from his father he tries to treat all women with respect, no matter what they have done to him. He may fire off insults, but as I have seen since I found him, Ranma has a hard time expressing how he feels unless he is happy . . . or angry. His father was a partial success with Ranma, but he left his son's emotional development behind with me the day I let him leave with my boy . . .”

 

“Shit,” swore Kilik, drawing a few evil looks, “That would mean that when they get a glimpse into the complexities in that boy's mind . . .”

 

THUD!

 

That's right, everybody fell over again. Even those on the other end of the still active phone fell over, as the mystery head was doing a wonderful job with relaying what was going on. This may very well be one part of the formula to being a chick magnet . . . being honest, even if it tends to go into the brutal range from time to time. After all, those familiar with Ranma know that he is a HORRIBLE liar. Sure, he bends the truth from time to time to minimize the hurt he would feel later, but it never even went into the white lie range.

 

That and the fact that the lucky bastard doesn't even have to shave to look good . . .

 

“OH HAPPY DAY!” shouted Soun as he returned from upstairs, followed two seconds later by the lake he had created by crying `water falling' down the stairs.

 

“Huh?” was repeated in stereo.

 

“The schools have been joined!” wailed Soun, as he bounced about the room. This had the adverse effect of hosing everybody present. Once secured on the floor with ninety feet of rope, from where it came is unknown, those present stared at the man behaving like a two year old.

 

“What are you rambling about?” demanded Nodoka, itching for the blade that she had given Ranma. Soun was near Genma on her least favorite people list, and just talking to the train wreck that the Tendo patriarch was almost gave her a migraine.

 

With an amazing feat of strength, mostly from something happy happening to his daughters, the rope binding the hyperactive meat-head on the floor went flying across the room in various pieces. Soun was lost to all reasoning, all sanity as he started dancing around the house again. Akane, being one of a few females left in the Tendo house, was trying her best to hide from the embarrassment caused by her father. That was until he dropped a sheet of paper in his bouncing about, which drifted right into her face.

 

THWOK

 

“Huh? What's this?” she asked of the room, knowing that there would be no response since the only person that did know was . . . doing the Macarena? And horribly, to boot. Deciding to ignore the flailing of her father, Akane read what he had dropped and shit a brick.

 

“I'LL KILL HIM!” she roared, making a break for the door. She didn't get very far however since she tripped over Ivy, who had tried her hardest to get out of the way. As both went down in a tumble of arms and legs, the piece of paper floated over to the head in the phone, who thought the situation was one of the funniest she had ever seen.

 

“Eh? What have we here?” she asked, which drew the attention of those present onto the document. It had landed face up, and was easily readable. Nodoka, Nightmare, Kilik, Maxi, Yunsung, Ivy after she got out from under the pressure cooker known as Akane, Lucia and Belldandy crowded around the document, reading it.

 

MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE.

 

That was what was across the top of the paper, getting a few raised eyebrows in confusion. Not from the title of the document. No, that would make this fic boring as all get if a simple title like that caused confusion. It was the names listed after the title that had earned the look. And before looking down there, remember this is NOT a serious fic. I am bizarre, and so are my fics.

 

As they watched, the simple piece of paper turned into a holographic display, making the small print big for the group now gawking at what was probably the most bizarre thing they had ever witnessed.

 

HUSBAND: Ranma Saotome (Aqua transsexual, human/god/demon/alien hybrid (File CLASSIFIED))

 

Wife One: Nabiki Tendo (Mercenary, human (File Viewable))

 

Wife Two: Kasumi Tendo (Peacemaker, human (File Viewable))

 

Wife Three: Ukyo Kuonji (Cook, human/god hybrid (potential unknown) (File Viewable))

 

Wife Four: Xian Pu A.K.A Shampoo (Cook, Warrior, human/demon hybrid (potential unknown) (File Viewable))

 

Wife Five: Urd Odinsdotter (Goddess, troublemaker, god/demon hybrid (DANGER! DANGER! File Viewable))

 

Wife Six: Peorth Christchild (Goddess, French, goddess (File Viewable))

 

Wife Seven: Hild Demonsqueen (Demon Overlord, Yin to the Yang, unknown origins (File CLASSIFIED))

 

Wife Eight: (Blank until decision is made by husband listed)

 

“Oh, and Tenchi thinks he has it rough,” quipped the head in the phone, returning those present to . . . well, the present. People were edging away from Nodoka, who had stars in her eyes and was mumbling about grandchildren. When everybody face vaulted, the signature of the person who authorized such a . . . convoluted thing was seen. And thus began the biggest `Crouch of the Wild Tiger' in history.

 

After all, you do NOT insult Kami-sama, no matter how bizarre the situation gets. The Almighty has his reasons for doing something like this. It would take time for them to be known, like if the children of such a large relationship would grow up to pilot giant organic robots or something else as farfetched.

 

Still, Kami-sama had to drive his point home. So with a small charge in it, he sent forth a lightning bolt.

 

ZZAAPP!!

 

THUD!

 

And the house was quiet for some time to come, since everybody was unconscious. Even Belldandy, who had had an impure thought concerning the . . . arrangement, so the only person that could translate the message accompanying the bolt was out like a light.

 

Meanwhile, in Juuban . . .

 

“MOON TIARA MAGIC!”

 

“Jesus Christ, they won't stop!” complained Ranma as he dodged another of those magic attacks. The two who did attempt to physically fight him found nothing but air and on occasion a fiancée with a surprise. Urd, Peorth and Hild were staying out of it, even though they were laughing at the ridiculous outfits the `Sailor Scouts' were wearing.

 

“Would you stand still and die already?” quipped one of the brunette attackers, one who did have some skill in the Art. What was her equally ridiculous name again . . . Jupiter? Or Stupider? Bah, unimportant detail. Fight now, if somebody left conscious talk later.

 

“VENUS LOVE ME CHAIN!”

 

“Fuck off and die!” returned Ranma, a vein appearing on his forehead. This caused more than a few of the people around him to back off with a sweat drop on the back of their heads. As the chain of hearts came within range, Ranma simply batted it away, ironically tying up the one known as Sailor Moon.

 

“Enough of this,” growled Cassandra, who while laughing internally at the stupidity of the girls attacking the group simply because they had dropped out of warp right next to them, was getting tired of NOT trying to kill the opponent like the old days. She blurred into motion, bowling through these so-called protectors of love and justice.

 

By a twist of fate, the Scouts had been grouped together after that attack, apparently to try a team attack on somebody since individual attacks weren't working. Ah, but the joys of having a magic user . . .

 

“Here I go!” shouted Karin, while twisting left to right to left, finishing with her left hand pointed at the Scouts. The magic sensitive people could feel the power of a demon in use, then they saw the effect of said magic. Starting at Karin's feet to the Scouts was what appeared to be rotten bone, one on each side spaced five feet apart. Then the attack hit the Scouts, splitting into ten bones, closing like a trap on all of the Scouts.

 

“Ouch,” groaned a Scout with green hair, who was replaying the attack in her mind. While it was ONE attack, it had hit her and her allies four times. And the evil they felt when the attack hit was unbelievable.

 

The entire purpose of the attack was to cause damage. However, crickets could be heard chirping once the dust had settled. Well, silence following an “ACK!” sound, usually indicative of a naked or exposed girl in the vicinity of one Ranma Saotome. The entire group of people with Ranma tried their best to ignore the now under clothed Scouts.

 

“How was I supposed to know that would happen?” nearly cried Karin, who had fallen to her knees. The crests she still carried had apparently been corrupted by the Master of Perverts. The last time she had used the attack, known as Evil Born, it had NOT shredded specific areas of clothing.

 

“Don't worry about it,” said Taki, who had appeared from nowhere, “What counts is that they don't seem to be aware of their predicament yet. They are highly confused about us and our intentions. All we did was defend ourselves when they attacked.”

 

Insert a draft here.

 

The Scouts looked down, and as one screamed. Not just a scream of embarrassment, but one of bloody murder and sacrilege. After all, Ranma did get a view. When he heard the pitch of the scream, Ranma reengaged the warp drive back to Nerima, making sure to grab his followers . . . and would be followers . . . and general future potential friends . . . ugh, fic outta control! Mayday! She's goin' down!

 

Back to Nerima, land of psychos . . .

 

The head in the phone was gone, after making sure it was hung up. Of course, because of a certain mental link to a certain insane scientist/goddess, the spatial coordinates of the Tendo house were known. But enough of that, that group will make an appearance later. Better than just a reference, anyway. Unlike the Sailor Scouts, who will NOT ever be appearing again.

 

Those remaining were busy gawking at the holographic document still present in the living room. Even Soun had no idea that it could do that. Small conversations would burst forth from time to time, interrupting the silence. The noise was quickly shot down by the youngest Tendo daughter, who would growl at anybody who spoke of the . . . contraption that was out to ruin her life. After all, it's always Akane, Akane, Akane!

 

Not in this fic.

 

BLAM

 

And that would herald the return of Ranma, King of Weirdness!

 

SMASH, OWIE

 

Ranma came into the living room at warp seven point five, effectively running over Akane who wouldn't move since she was pissed off at the pig-tailed man. Of course, when he did stop those caught in his wake, arms, hair, and the sisters Tendo attached to his midsection lost their momentum.

 

CRASH

 

And on top of Akane they fell, creating a massive twelve body pile-up.

 

The males in the house could only blink-blink, before guffawing on the floor. They had listened to Akane go on and on about how the world was in her orbit for the last thirty minutes, only to have Ranma enter her orbit like an asteroid and crash onto planet Akane, spreading the joys of female to female contact for all to see.

 

This of course confused Ranma. Even though he had had many offers during the past few years to partake in the pleasures of the female flesh, even with the curse, he had no idea what it would look like . . .

 

Okay, for those that are thoroughly confused, I will attempt to explain this scene. What we have here is a classic case of thermal expansion coupled with extreme velocities plus no protection from air resistance. Well, three DID have the option to provide said protection but chose not to for entertainment purposes.

 

Too bad those three just noticed the hologram . . .

 

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. When traveling at excessive speeds, on a mild day, say around sixty-five degrees Fahrenheit, with no protection from the air, you get static friction. A good example would be opening a car window at seventy miles an hour on the freeway. Imagine if you will, accelerating to a hundred miles an hour. The friction gets worse.

 

Moving faster than the sound barrier with only the object moving using ki to shield himself from the wind left something to be desired . . . for certain people.

 

Can we say lack of proper clothing? Yes, we can. While Ranma's ki had created a vacuum, effectively bringing the women with him with no effort, it did not shield them from the wind . . . and thus, we have the solution to our problem in the form of eleven mostly naked women.

 

“D'OH!” exclaimed Ranma, once he understood what some of the guys at his old school had been talking about with Akane being a lesbian.

 

Of course, she could have been red from anger, but it was hard to see past Ukyo's bare bottom mere inches from her face. Ooh, look . . . breasts. Lots of exposed breasts, that happen to be very nice indeed.

 

“That was fun Ranma!” cheered Kasumi, who was on the top of the dog pile . . . thus she missed most of the entire situation.

 

“Is it drafty in here, or is it just me?” wondered Nabiki, who looked perplexed as to why there was a draft. The walls were intact, except for Ranma's entry point. The doors and windows were shut. Then she felt it when Cassandra moved.

 

Skin to skin contact, in an area that shouldn't be touched by an unauthorized user. After leaping to the ceiling, which had the effect of scattering the pile of bodies about the living room, Nabiki realized the predicament that was shared amongst them all . . . except for the Goddesses and Demon that were laughing at the scene.

 

All that laughing stopped immediately when Akane leapt to her feet in righteous anger, battle aura flared to maximum.

 

“RANMA, YOU PERVERT!” she screamed, charging at him with the Mallet of Doom pulled back for a vicious uppercut. Ranma raised an eyebrow at her, wondering if it was all that bad. Just because the guerilla was jealous of her own sisters for having better looks than her, he wisely thought to avoid the swing. This had the adverse effect of making Akane fall down, since her balance was lost at the lack of contact that was expected.

 

THUD!

 

As Akane went down, Ranma caught sight of the holographic page displaying his latest course change in life. He felt a magical discharge while reading and rereading the display, and noticed when the women with him had crowded around that they were clothed again.

 

Eyebrows to the sky! Ranma, Kasumi, Nabiki, Ukyo, Shampoo (who had been mysteriously silent), Cassandra, Taki, Xianghua, Urd, Peorth, Hild and Karin all had at least one eyebrow raised in confusion. Most of them, for seeing a technology that wasn't even dreamed of in their time was part of it. For all of them, it was a multiple marriage authorized by Kami-sama himself that blew their mind.

 

“Well, this is news to me,” quipped Ranma, taking it in stride as usual. That in itself nearly caused a face vault, but the message being read by Urd and Peorth would definitely leave some ripples in the water. They quietly talked to Belldandy and Hild, confirming that what their eyes had told them was indeed there. Not that they had any doubt in Kami-sama, but still when things go off the radar like this it's good to have confirmation.

 

“Ranma,” began Urd, “We have . . . news for you. While we cannot go into excessive detail about this marriage certificate from on high, we have been asked to relay a message to you. It's really more like a greeting, and honestly it confuses me.”

 

Ranma started waving his hands side to side, before he went down in a heap. That's right folks, Akane the Terrible had risen from her position on the floor and clobbered Ranma . . . when he wasn't looking. She had a satisfied smirk on her face, even with death glares coming from various places around the room. Not being dense to the situation, she spoke up.

 

“Pervert. You just got what you deserved for doing that perverted move and exposing my sisters. I bet Wonderslut over there was going to say that you are going straight to hell for eternity! HA!”

 

BAM! THWOK!

 

“WRONG!” exclaimed Ranma, after belting Akane while she was off in lala land, fantasizing about being free of the freak. Mind you, he didn't hit her with the force he normally hits things, like Ryoga. He just nudged her, even though it had enough force to launch Akane out the back door and into the koi pond. Looking around at more than a few surprised faces, he elaborated on the situation.

 

“She hit me while my back was turned,” said Ranma, “And now we are even. Although she was looking right at me, in her mind she was on her own world. I have had enough of being walked on by her and that was the last straw. If she was one-one thousandth the martial artist she claims to be, she should have either A.) given me a challenge letter or B.) given me advanced notice as to her attack so I could defend myself. She's gonna end up killing somebody one of these days if she doesn't stop with the smash first ask questions never attitude.”

 

“She really shouldn't have done that,” intoned Kasumi, while turning a slight frown at Ranma, “Just the same as you shouldn't have retaliated. Although, it was deserved.”

 

“Ranma,” spoke Urd, drawing the conversation back onto herself before some other bizarre thing happened, “Kami-sama sent a message for you. He says `Welcome to the family son. We shall meet soon'.”

 

TBC

 

Done at long last. YAY! Now, I know what I'm gonna hear. So, let me say this: I have the anime ONLY. No manga. So I base violent Akane off the anime. And no, I don't like her. She's too spoiled and in fact, her character brought the anime's laugh value down. Scenes without her are funnier than having to watch a different scene with the same result.

 

Bah, enough rant, I go away now.

 

Ja Ne!