Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction ❯ Plant a Kiss ❯ Plant a Kiss ( One-Shot )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Disclaimer: As much as I would love to take credit for the characters in
this story, I cannot. Tenchi Muyo and its characters are property of AIC
and Pioneer. The proceeding story, though based on preexisting
characters, is the property of the author and may not be reprinted without
permission.

Note to reader: Well, it's that time of year again. Time for fanfic writers
to post their obligatory Christmas fics. In keeping with this hallowed
holiday tradition, I have decided to try my hand at this literary medium.
Enjoy!


PLANT A KISS

Chapter 1: The Day Begins

Tenchi cracked his eyes open from underneath his blanket. For
some strange reason, he had not slept well that night. He had been
plagued by unsettling dreams that he could not remember, but still dreaded
nonetheless. Several times had he awoken in a cold sweat, praying that the
morning would come. Now, he thanked whoever was responsible for
initiating the dawn every morning when he saw the cold winter sunbeams
peeking through the seams of his comforter. All too eager to start the day,
he flung back his covers and sat up, at which point he nearly had heart
failure from the sight he saw. At once all of his horrible nightmares
flooded back to him, but still paled in comparison to the thoroughly
unsettling site that stood at the foot of his bed. For there, looking at him
with hungry eyes, was Ryoko, wearing mistletoe.
Nothing but mistletoe.
A bundle of the plant adorned each of her otherwise bare breasts,
and another larger bundle served to cover--albeit barely--between her legs.
She stood with arms akimbo, teeth bared in a wide, almost frighteningly
seductive smile, making no effort to hide her intentions. Tenchi felt dizzy
and sick, remembering just why he was so afraid during the night. Today
was December 24th, Christmas Eve. The Day of the Mistletoe.
It had all started with the first Christmas Eve he had spent with the
girls. At first, they had all participated, making it a friendly competition to
see who would be the first to lure Tenchi under the mistletoe and coax a
kiss. However, Ryoko had made it plainly obvious that she intended to
take the concept to heights never even imagined before. By the end of the
day, the girls had all conceded to Ryoko, who had covered just about every
square inch of ceiling with a mistletoe bearing her name. Tenchi was only
able to escape the space pirate's lip lock by hiding out in the shrine until
the wee hours of the morning, then sneaking in through the window into
his room. Luckily, he did not make much noise; otherwise, he would have
stirred Ryoko, who had fallen asleep naked in his bed. Tenchi slept on the
couch that night.
Since then, every Christmas Eve, Ryoko had made it her mission--
neigh, her holy war--to use every trick in the book to get Tenchi
underneath the mistletoe. Tenchi shivered as the curvaceous figure gazed
at him. Normally, she waited until after breakfast before stripping.
Apparently, she was stepping up her efforts this year. He tasted salt as a
thin trickle of blood dripped from his nose into his gaping mouth.
Ryoko was flattered by Tenchi's reaction; he only got a nosebleed
when he became aroused. Maybe this was the year. "Merry Christmas,
Tenchi," she purred. "I hope you like your present."
"C-C-C-Christmas isn't u-u-until tomorrow, R-R-Ryoko," Tenchi
stammered tightly. Seeing her as good as naked in front of him was
always a bit more than he could take, especially first thing in the morning.
In fact, the tight feeling it gave him in his stomach was possibly the worst
way he could conceive of to start his day. This too-close-for-comfort view
of his scantily clad housemate was unnerving, unnecessary, and borderline
vulgar.
But he wasn't looking away.
Ryoko noticed this. "I know you like what you see," she said in a
sultry tone. "Come on, lover, don't you want to kiss what's under the
mistletoe?"
"Uhhhh..." Tenchi trailed off as another drop of blood found its
way into his mouth.
"You can't fight tradition, Tenchi," Ryoko continued as she
climbed onto the bed and began striding up to him on all fours. "So,
what's say you and me get into the Christmas spirit?"
"Can you get into some clothes first!?" Tenchi asked loudly,
momentarily regaining his nerve. "You're naked, for crying out loud! I
mean... I mean... I mean..."
"You mean what?" Ryoko asked with a smile.
"Aren't you cold?" Tenchi asked.
Ryoko chuckled. "Far from it, Tenchi," she said. "In fact, I'm
really hot. And, judging from that nosebleed you have, you agree with
me."
Tenchi quickly brought a hand up to cover his nose. "I, uh, I...
must have... hit my nose on something while I was sleeping! Yeah, that's
probably it!"
"Oh, come on, Tenchi," Ryoko pleaded, leaning a little closer to
him, "at least admit that you think I'm sexy. I put a lot of time into this
morning. You have no idea how many shops I had to go to before I found
an edible glue to keep this mistletoe on with. At least take one taste!
You'll like it!"
"I don't think so," Tenchi said hesitantly.
"Come on," Ryoko begged. "It's cherry-flavored! You like cherry,
don't you?"
"Only under more conventional circumstances!" Tenchi replied.
"Well, what fun is convention?" Ryoko asked. "Let's get wild!"
"Let's not!" Tenchi said hurriedly. "Come on, Ryoko, we go
through this every year. Can't you give it a rest?"
"No, I really can't rest," Ryoko confessed. "I'm just feeling so full
of energy today. I think I need you to help tire me out."
"Well, then run laps or something!" Tenchi suggested. "I don't
know if I'm up for this today."
"You could end it all now," Ryoko said with a devilish smile. "All
you need to do is kiss me. Just one little kiss. So, why don't you save me
the trouble and pucker up, sweet thing?" Ryoko moved her lips
dangerously close to Tenchi's face.
Tenchi shrank as far back as the headboard of his bed would allow.
"Ryoko, have you gotten an early start on the eggnog today?" he asked.
"I don't need eggnog, Tenchi," Ryoko said. "I'm drunk on love."
She then unexpectedly halted her advancing lips and sat up, at which point
Tenchi sighed in relief. "I want you to see something," Ryoko said. She
leaped off the bed and grabbed Tenchi's arm, practically flinging him to
the window. "Look!" she said excitedly. "It snowed last night!"
Tenchi's eyes widened as he took in the overwhelming whiteness
that blanketed the countryside. The morning sun that glistened off the
surface almost blinded him, and he squinted heavily so he could continue
looking. Funny, the weather forecast had called for sleet and drizzle the
night before. It must have gotten colder than originally thought, because
there was at least a good six inches of snow on the ground. That much
snow was certainly a rarity. In fact, Tenchi couldn't remember having
seen that much on the ground at once before. He was in utter awe of the
spectacle.
"Look at that, Tenchi," Ryoko said softly. "The whole valley is
covered. A perfect shimmering sheet of white. Have you ever seen
anything so beautiful? So pure. So soft. So smooth." She added, with a
suggestive grin, "Just like me."
Tenchi caught himself. So absorbed was he in the scene outside
that he almost let his guard down. He backed away from the window and
Ryoko. Ryoko followed, slowly and deliberately keeping pace with the
retreating Tenchi. "You know, Tenchi," she said with a sly smile, "your
nose is still bleeding."
Tenchi hurriedly grabbed a shirt off the floor and wiped his face
with it. When he looked back up, Ryoko was less than an inch from his
face. "Tenchi, it's the holidays," she whispered. "You're allowed to go a
little crazy. Come on, Tenchi, let's go crazy."
Tenchi was out of options. Even if he backed up, his back would
be to the wall in a few steps. There was nothing stopping Ryoko now.
Tenchi could only shut his eyes tightly and pray that it would all be over
soon.
"Lord Tenchi," a voice called lyrically from outside the door as
Tenchi heard a knocking. "Lord Tenchi, are you in here?"
"Er, uh, just a minute, Ayeka!" Tenchi called back. "Just great,"
he hissed to Ryoko in a whisper. "If she finds you in here, she'll flip!"
"Let her come in," Ryoko said. "She can't come between our
love."
"Just hide!" Tenchi said. He grabbed her arm and pretty much
threw her into the closet, closing the door with a stiff slam.
"Ooh, Tenchi, you're so hot when you take control like this!"
Ryoko purred from inside the closet.
"Stay there," he ordered quietly. "And don't make any noise." He
then brisked to the door to his room and opened it, revealing the first
princess of Jurai standing on the other side.
"Good morning, Lord Tenchi," she said with a smile. "What took
you so long to open the door?"
"Well, I was, um ,er... uh, naked!" Tenchi said, absolutely
struggling to find an appropriate lie. "Yeah, I had to put something on,
that's all."
"Oh," Ayeka said with a slight blush. "I'm sorry for disturbing
you. I was just worried that that horrible monster woman was after you
again with that mistletoe of hers. Honestly, she makes such a spectacle of
herself every year. It's not dignified."
"You have no idea," Tenchi said, nervously scratching the back of
his head.
"Don't worry, Lord Tenchi," Ayeka said, "I'll make sure that that
demon won't bother you today."
"Like hell you will!" an angry voice boomed from the closet.
Ryoko promptly phased through the door with an angry look on her face.
Tenchi could only hold his head in his hands. [At least she phased into
some clothes,] he thought.
"Oh, really?" Ayeka asked sternly. "And just who's going to stop
me?"
"Don't push me, Princess Prissypants!" Ryoko thundered. "I'll
have you know that Tenchi and I were having a very romantic moment
before you stuck your ugly nose in here!"
"Don't make me laugh," Ayeka said with a toss of her head. "You
wouldn't know romance if it hit you on your head. You probably had poor
Tenchi tied to the bed, you beast!"
[Hey, that's not a bad idea,] Ryoko thought. [I'll have to save
that one for later.] "You're just jealous because you couldn't find the
cherry-flavored glue!" she shouted.
"Ha!" Ayeka laughed. "That just goes to show how much you
know! Tenchi much prefers peaches over cherries!"
Ryoko's eyes grew wide. "So you're the one who bought the last
of the peach-flavored glue!" she roared, extending an accusatory finger at
the violet-haired princess. "I had my heart set on that flavor, and you
knew it!"
Tenchi raised an eyebrow and looked at Ayeka very questioningly.
Ayeka's face turned very red. "Tenchi, I had to buy it all, or Ryoko would
have bought it," she tried to explain. "Who knows what horrible things
she would have done if she got her slimy little mitts on sixty-seven tubes
of peach-flavored edible body glue?"
"Why don't you tell me?" Ryoko asked hotly. "I'm sure you didn't
intend to let that glue go to waste, now did you?"
"The nerve of you!" Ayeka hissed. "To think that I would resort to
such cheap harlotry to win Tenchi's affection. After all, destiny has
decreed that he and I are to be together, so he obviously has no place in his
life for a hussy like you!"
Tenchi felt a little dizzy. The Princess and the Pirate were at each
other's throats again, and ground zero was his own room. He could
already see himself picking through the charred remains of his desk,
hoping one or more of his school textbooks didn't get incinerated; he had
had to reorder seven copies of his algebra book already, and it was only
December. He was glad that he stored all of his valuables in a subspace
pocket that Washu had made for him.
"You couldn't be more right about one thing, Princess," Ryoko
said with a sly grin. "The only way Tenchi would marry you is if
something forced him to. Can't you see that he wants to create his own
destiny with me?"
Ayeka was incensed. "What do you know about destiny!?" she
yelled. "You promiscuous, foul-mouthed, depraved, over-perfumed
SLUT!"
That was it. Tenchi casually walked past the feuding housemates
to the door as the energy began to crackle around them. He stepped over
the threshold and closed the door behind him. A scant second later a large
BOOM shook the house, sending Tenchi spilling to the hallway floor. As
drywall from the ceiling rained down onto his head, Kiyone and Mihoshi
poked their heads out of the door to their room. "What the heck was
that!?" Kiyone asked.
"What do you think?" Tenchi asked exasperatedly. He calmly
brought himself to his feet and dusted himself off. From behind him, the
door to his room opened. Tenchi peeked in to see that most of the outside
wall had been taken out, and that the pile of ash that used to be his bed
was still on fire a little. Out stepped Ryoko and Ayeka, looking down at
the floor, smoke gently rolling off of their singed hair and clothes. They
quietly plodded past him and made their way down the stairs.
"I'll tell Sasami that you'll be washing up before breakfast,"
Tenchi informed the pair.
"Yes, thank you, Lord Tenchi," Ayeka replied.
Tenchi turned his attention back to the war zone that used to be his
bedroom. He carefully picked his way over and through the smoldering
cinders on his floor and looked around. From among the blackness, a
flash of white caught his eye. He stepped over and picked up the book that
lay on the floor. "Hey, my algebra book!" he said excitedly. "Not a
scratch on it." He then looked around again; most everything else in his
room was scratched. And burnt. And pulverized. He sighed. It looked
like he would be sleeping on the couch again this Christmas.
Tenchi left the room, the charred debris crunching underfoot. As
he made his way down the hall to tell Sasami to take her time making
breakfast, he scratched his head and thought, [I wonder who the heck sells
edible body glue around here, anyway?]

Chapter 2: Skirmish

Breakfast was rather quiet, compared to what had happened earlier.
Ryoko and Ayeka remained largely silent, resorting to merely giving one
another dagger eyes from across the table. The weather was the subject of
much discussion, being that such a substantial snowfall was not easy to
come by.
"After breakfast, let's build a snowman!" Sasami suggested. Ryo-
ohki's excited meow indicated that she thought it was a good idea, too.
"Well, the last time we tried that," Mihoshi recalled, "Ryo-ohki
kept eating the carrot that we used for the nose."
"Unfortunately, a snowman to Ryo-ohki is like an open buffet,"
Washu said with a chuckle. Ryo-ohki meowed disappointedly; her access
to carrots had been denied.
"Let's go sledding, then!" Sasami chirped.
"No can-do," Kiyone reported. "The only sled we had got totaled
the last time it snowed." She shot Mihoshi a piercing look.
"Hey, it wasn't my fault!" Mihoshi pleaded. "I couldn't figure out
the controls to that rocket engine Washu had installed on it."
"What was to figure out!?" Washu returned. "It was a big, red
button with the word 'DANGER' printed across it. And you pushed it!"
"Well, it didn't say not to," Mihoshi said innocently. Washu
dropped her head to the table; Kiyone's soon followed suit.
"Well, we still should really do something," Tenchi said.
"Yeah, it would be a shame to let all of this snow go to waste,"
Sasami chimed in.
"You people obviously have no idea how to have fun in the snow,"
Ryoko said. All eyes turned to her. "When there's this much snow on the
ground, it begs to be used for one purpose, and one purpose alone." She
brought her eyes up and met Ayeka's, an evil grin slowly overtaking her
face. "Snowball fight."
Ayeka's mouth adopted the same evil grin. "Yes," she concurred.
"Snowball fight."
"That sounds like fun," Kiyone said. "I get to be on whichever
team Mihoshi's not on."
"I call Tenchi's team!" Sasami said hurriedly.
Ayeka smiled. "Well, I can't very well throw snowballs at my own
sister, now can I?" she asked slyly, eyeing Ryoko. "So, I guess that means
that I'm on Tenchi's team, as well."
"Don't even think about it," Ryoko said through clenched teeth. "I
could certainly do a much better job of protecting Tenchi from snowballs
than you could!"
"Hey, we're not at war here!" Tenchi said desperately, sensing an
impending conflict.
"Speak for yourself, Tenchi," Ayeka said, never breaking her intent
gaze from Ryoko.
Ryoko smiled again. "Tell you what," she offered.
"How about everybody against me? And if I win, then Tenchi owes me a
kiss."
"I don't think I like that idea!" Tenchi said tightly.
"Absolutely not!" Ayeka boomed. "I will not allow your lips to
come within a hundred feet of Tenchi!"
Ryoko chuckled. "So, you're scared you'll lose," she said.
"Perfectly understandable, considering I could mop the floor with you and
not break a sweat."
"How dare you suggest that your power is superior to mine!?"
Ayeka hissed. "I am the first princess of Jurai, and you are nothing but a
lowly pirate scum!"
"Well, if you're so confident you'll win," Ryoko replied, "then
you'll have no problem with our little wager."
"If that is what I must do to keep Lord Tenchi out of reach of your
disgusting advances, then so be it!" Ayeka declared.
"Fine, then it's settled," Ryoko said as Ayeka continued to gnash
her teeth. "Once I win, then Tenchi will have to kiss me to my heart's
content."
"Hey, don't I get a say in this?" Tenchi asked desperately.
"NO!" Ayeka and Ryoko shouted back at him simultaneously.
Tenchi shrank back in his chair.

After the conclusion of breakfast, everyone met outside to prepare
for the snowball fight. Of course, with participants as powerful as Ayeka
and Ryoko, some ground rules had to be discussed. "Okay, everyone,
here's how it's going to work," Washu said. "The rules will be quite
simple. It's everyone versus Ryoko. Once a player has been hit by a
snowball, he or she is 'out,' and can no longer participate in the fight.
Snowballs are to be composed only of snow, which means no hiding of
rocks. Ryoko and Ayeka, I'm looking in your direction." The two sneered
at her. Washu continued, "No hitting below the belt, either. The fight will
be over when one team has been wiped out."
"Oh, please let it be Ryoko," Tenchi said with hands clasped in
prayer.
Ayeka smiled at him. "Don't worry, Lord Tenchi," she assured
him, "I am more than a match for that devil-woman."
"Oh, Tenchi," Ryoko sang out, pointing to her head. She was
wearing a headband with a piece of mistletoe suspended above her head by
a wire. "I'll always be under the mistletoe today, so, technically, you
could kiss me anytime you want to." She gave Tenchi a wink. "I hope
your lips are rested, because they're going to get a workout later."
"So, are we ready to start?" Sasami asked.
"Just a minute!" Washu said. She ran back into the house, and
emerged several moments later with what looked like a snow blower
strapped to her back.
"What's that?" Mihoshi asked.
"This is my latest invention!" Washu proclaimed enthusiastically.
"The Snowball-Tron 6000!"
"Uh-oh," Tenchi said under his breath.
Beaming, Washu explained, "The Snowball-Tron 6000 converts
loose snow to snowballs of nearly any size and consistency. It can be
adjusted to shoot single shots or be fully automatic, plus it has four speeds
of fire: lob, toss, fastball, and 'Andre Agassi serve.'"
"Er, it's not, uh... dangerous, is it?" Tenchi asked nervously.
"Of course not, Tenchi," Washu replied with a disarming smile.
"Although I wouldn't be too keen about being on the receiving end of it if
it's turned up full blast."
"Well, then I'm awfully glad you're on my side," Tenchi said with
a sigh.
Washu chuckled. "I'm always on your side, Tenchi," she said with
as cute a smile as she could muster.
"Could we start some time today?" Ryoko asked impatiently, her
tapping foot wearing a rut in the snow.
"Sure!" Washu said. Without another word she leveled the barrel
of her invention at Ryoko and let loose a barrage of rapid-fire snowballs.
Taken by surprise, Ryoko was nearly hit by the initial volley, but managed
to dodge. She then scooped up a handful of snow and took to the air.
"She's attacking!" Ayeka yelled. "Everyone fan out!"
More out of panic at the approaching Ryoko than in an effort to
oblige Ayeka, the tight group split up in all directions. Ryoko hovered in
midair, watching the crowd scurry beneath her. She wondered who to take
care of first, and smiled as she watched Kiyone and Mihoshi make a
strategic retreat. "Let's get the small fish out of the way first," she said to
herself.
Kiyone and Mihoshi dove behind a snow bank. Each with a
snowball ready, they peeked over the snow to find Ryoko. However, she
was nowhere in sight. Kiyone squinted, wondering where she could have
gotten to so quickly. Before the officer could think further, she hear a
whistle behind her. She and Mihoshi turned around just in time to see
Ryoko materialize in front of them, a pile of snow in each hand. Before
Kiyone and Mihoshi could defend themselves, Ryoko's hands full of snow
found their way to the top of the heads of the respective GPs.
Smiling at them, Ryoko said, "Well, that's two down." She then
took off to find her next victim.
Defeated, Kiyone and Mihoshi sat back against the bank of snow.
Mihoshi began bawling.
"What are you crying for?" Kiyone asked. "It's just a snowball,
you know."
"Yeah," Mihoshi said, tears flowing freely now, "but... we're both
out. And my head's all wet. And it's COLD! WAAAAH!"
Kiyone hung her head between her knees and sighed helplessly.

Meanwhile, Ryoko spotted Sasami crouched behind a rock,
working on creating a small arsenal of fluffy white projectiles. Ryo-ohki
helped, too, but her snowballs were comparatively small. Eventually
deciding that she would be no great help, Ryo-ohki gave up and hopped on
top of Sasami's head.
Ryoko landed and picked up a handful of snow. [I'll give her a
warning shot first,] she thought. "Hey, Sasami!" Ryoko yelled.
Sasami stood up from behind the rock and watched a white
spheroid swiftly approach her. The snowball missed her, however, but
caught Ryo-ohki full and sent her flying off Sasami's head.
"Oops," Ryoko said. "Sorry, Ryo-ohki! I meant for that to go
higher." Ryo-ohki wobbled to her feet and gave a discombobulated meow.
Sasami quickly scooped up as many snowballs as she could and
began heaving them at Ryoko. Ryoko dodged them all, albeit thinly.
"Almost got you, Ryoko," Sasami said with a smile and a giggle.
Ryoko smiled back. [Well, she seems to be enjoying herself,] she
thought. She decided to give her some sport. Sasami backpedaled and
furiously began heaving snow at the approaching Ryoko, but in a flashy
display of evasion, the space pirate remained unscathed and continued to
advance. Ryoko threw a few snowballs as she approached, but missed on
purpose.
"You missed me!" Sasami shouted excitedly. "Now get ready!"
Sasami stopped in her tracks and picked up a large amount of snow, and
packed it into as large a ball as she could handle. She raised it high above
her head. "Here it comes!" She threw the ball with both hands at Ryoko.
Ryoko stopped approaching and watched as the snowball got
closer. Sasami watched as well, becoming excited as the distance between
Ryoko and her projectile lessened. "Got you!" Sasami shouted gleefully.
However, her celebration proved to be premature as Ryoko dematerialized
out of sight, the snowball passing through the air she once occupied.
"Good job, kiddo," Sasami heard from behind her. She turned
around just as Ryoko lightly threw a small heap of snow into her stomach.
"Oh, no," Sasami said with disappointment. "I'm out."
"You put up a darn good fight, though," Ryoko said, placing a
congratulatory hand on the top of Sasami's head. "You could win next
time."
"Okay then," Sasami said. "Next time."
"Now, if you'll excuse me," Ryoko said as she lifted off, "I need to
pelt a few more people before my date with Tenchi's lips."

Washu cautiously peeked out from behind a tree. Despite
possessing superior firepower, she wanted to give herself every advantage
possible. So, she had donned a snow camo jumpsuit and glare-resistant
goggles. Streaks of olive-drab grease paint ran across her face. Her highly
visible pink hair was hidden beneath a green beret. Her eyes roved back
and forth, searching for movement. "Where are you, Ryoko?" she asked
to herself.
"Looking for someone?" Washu heard from the distance. She
quickly wheeled around and fired a shot from her Snowball-Tron 6000 in
the direction of the voice. The snowball missed Ryoko, and she threw one
of her own at Washu. Washu ducked out of the way, and the snowball
smacked with considerable force on the tree behind her.
"Ha! You missed!" Washu gloated. Ryoko only smiled and
gestured straight up. Washu looked up. The impact from the snowball
had dislodged all the snow that had collected on the branches of the tree
that Washu now stood under, and a mini avalanche inundated her. Where
Washu once stood, Ryoko delighted in seeing nothing but a shapeless
white mound.
Spitting snow out of her mouth furiously, Washu poked her head
from beneath the snow to find Ryoko standing over her. She scooped up a
bit of the snow that covered Washu and dropped it on her head. "Looks
like you're out," Ryoko said smugly.
Washu climbed out from underneath the snow and brushed herself
off. "That was a dirty trick, Ryoko!" she said angrily.
"Hey, I don't recall you saying anything about causing snow to fall
on you against the rules," Ryoko replied. She then began removing the
Snowball-Tron 6000 from Washu's back.
"Hey!" Washu yelled in protest. "What are you doing?"
"To the victor go the spoils," Ryoko said matter-of-factly. "I won't
break it. Besides, Ayeka's got it coming to her." She strapped the
invention to her back and flew off, leaving Washu to shake her head
dejectedly.

"Ayeka, are you sure this is going to work?" Tenchi asked.
"Of course, it will," Ayeka said with determination, tending to her
ever-growing pile of snowballs. "When Ryoko attacks, just stay behind
me. Leave everything to me. I won't let that monster woman have her
way with you; this I swear, Lord Tenchi."
Tenchi peered up at the top of the mountain of snowballs. "How
many snowballs do you have there?" he asked.
"Seven hundred and forty two. Why?" Ayeka replied.
"I think that will be enough," Tenchi said.
"There isn't enough snow in the world for me to throw at that
hussy!" Ayeka said as she clenched her fist around a snowball, causing its
untimely death. "Don't just stand there; help me make more!"
Just then, a snowball seemingly powered by breakthrough NASA
technology whizzed past Ayeka's nose. She looked in the direction it
came from, and saw Ryoko standing off in the distance, slowly walking
towards her, the barrel of the Snowball-Tron 6000 leveled at her. "It's just
you and me now, Princess," she said.
"You shall never have Lord Tenchi!" Ayeka shouted. "Prepare for
battle!" With the efficiency of a pitching machine, Ayeka scooped up
snowball after snowball from her pile and heaved them with blinding
speed at Ryoko. Tenchi looked on in amazement, wondering if Ayeka's
family tree didn't include Roger Clemens. Each one of Ayeka's snowballs
was placed with pinpoint accuracy, but Ryoko was still able to remain
unhit. As she watched the pile of snowballs decrease in size, her smile
widened; she could taste Tenchi's sweet lips already.
Tenchi retreated to what he thought would be a safe distance and
watched Ayeka's punishing onslaught. [Oh, man,] he thought, [I don't
want to get involved in this! But, on the plus side, they're throwing snow
and not furniture.]
Ayeka reached down for another snowball, but felt nothing. Her
heart dropped into the pit of her stomach as she saw that her supply of
ammunition had been exhausted. She turned her eyes back to Ryoko and
could only sneer at the approaching pirate, trying to salvage dignity in
defeat.
Ryoko's smile now covered her whole face as she turned the
velocity on the Snowball-Tron 6000 to full power. Stopping a scant few
feet from Ayeka, she pointed the barrel at her head. "Advantage: Ryoko,"
she said menacingly. She yanked back on the trigger, sending a subsonic
snowball crashing into Ayeka's face. The force of the hit sent Ayeka
sprawling to the ground, moaning in a stupor.
Ryoko removed Washu's invention from her back and dropped it
unceremoniously onto the ground. She picked up a handful of snow and
formed it into a tight ball. She tossed it up and down in her hand. Her
hungry eyes then turned to Tenchi, who stood across the yard. "Well, it
looks like it's just you and me, sweetie," she said, flicking the mistletoe
which still hung above her head. "If you come over here and give me my
prize like a good boy, I promise I won't hit you with this snowball."
Tenchi's mind furiously worked to find a solution to this
development. Technically, Ryoko hadn't won yet; Tenchi was still in the
game. All he had to do was hit Ryoko with a snowball to win. But how
could he? Ayeka wasn't even able to hit her. Would this be it? Would
Ryoko finally get her way and lock lips with him?
Ryoko became surprised when Tenchi apparently accepted
her offer and began walking towards her. The walk became a trot,
which quickly developed into a sprint. Ryoko's eyes lit up. [I knew it
would only be a matter of time before he accepted his feelings for me,]
she thought to herself. She lifted off of her feet and flew towards him,
intending to meet him halfway.
Ayeka groggily sat up and clutched her aching head. She saw the
scene that was unfolding before her, and became utterly bewildered.
[What is he doing?] she thought. [He can't be... No, he can't be. Could
he... could he actually be throwing himself into the arms of that inferior
creature? That can't be!] "Tenchi, stop, please!" Ayeka begged.
Tenchi did not seem to hear her, for his course remained unaltered.
As the distance between Ryoko and Tenchi lessened, Ayeka could only
watch helplessly, honor-bound by the agreement she had made to refrain
from interfering. Her wide eyes began to tear. "Tenchi," she whispered.
"No."
Ryoko was about to sweep Tenchi up in her arms, but reached out
and grabbed nothing but air. Tenchi dropped to the ground and slid
beneath her, thanking his lucky stars for the unit on baseball he had been
given in gym class. He hurriedly scooped up a handful of snow and
blindly brought it into contact with Ryoko. Unfortunately for Ryoko,
Tenchi deposited the snow right on her chest which was partially exposed-
-in Ryoko's overzealous attempt to titillate Tenchi--due to a very low
neckline. At that point the other girls were in the house enjoying some
cocoa, and later reported that they, and quite possibly the entire Okayama
area, heard Ryoko's shrill shriek of: "EEEEEEYYYYYYIIIIIIEEEEEE-
OOOOOOUUUUUU, THAT'S COLD!!!"
Tenchi got back up to his feet as Ryoko danced around in
discomfort, vigorously shaking snow out of her blouse. "Gee, I'm sorry,
Ryoko," Tenchi said as he watched Ryoko hop about, swearing a few most
unseasonable sentiments under her breath. "I didn't mean to hit you
there."
Ayeka triumphantly leapt to her feet. "Good job, Tenchi!" she
shouted. She ran to him and hugged him. "I knew you would find a way
to beat her! I never doubted you for a second!" She cast an accusing eye at
Ryoko. "You see? It was his love for me that allowed him to find a way to
rebuff your wicked advances, Ryoko."
"You called that a rebuff?" Ryoko asked. "Did you see how he
grabbed for my breasts?"
"Well, I didn't really... intentionally throw the snow there," Tenchi
contended with a scratch if his head. "I just sort of... shoved it wherever."
"But your subconscious led your hand there," Ryoko said with a
wide grin. "Even though you don't want to admit it, you were trying to
cop a feel."
"That's absurd!" Ayeka replied. "He was obviously displaying
what a ridiculous idea it is for you to wear a low-cut blouse like that."
"Please stop," Tenchi said.
"You're just jealous because you can't wear one like I can!" Ryoko
snapped.
"Please stop," Tenchi said.
Ayeka let go of Tenchi and faced Ryoko. "That is so like you!"
she accused. "You think that just because you flaunt your cleavage willy-
nilly Tenchi is going to drool at your feet? Tenchi is a refined gentleman,
and he would naturally frown upon your prostitute-like behavior!"
"Please stop," Tenchi said.
"Hey!" Ryoko returned hotly. "I've got a nice body, and I think
Tenchi deserves to see the majority of it at any given time! I'm sure he
appreciates that much more than having to deal with your ugly face every
day!"
"Please stop," Tenchi said.
"You're one to talk, you ancient, petrified, shriveled-up mummy
woman!"
"PLEASE STOP!" Tenchi shrieked. Ryoko and Ayeka looked at
him in surprise. "Come on, it's the holidays," Tenchi continued. "Now is
no time to be fighting. How about we all just go inside, have some cocoa
and a few of the cookies that Sasami baked yesterday, and try to have a
happy holiday?"
"Not until this piece of space trash admits that she is unworthy of
someone as goodhearted and noble as you!" Ayeka thundered.
"Fat chance, you stuck-up, overbearing brat!" Ryoko shot back.
Tenchi began walking to the house; he saw that it was useless to try
to reason with them. "Well, I'll be enjoying some cookies if you're
interested," Tenchi said dismissively with a wave of his hand. "Try not to
make too big of a crater like you did last time." Tenchi continued to make
his way to the house, trying desperately to ignore the wealth of explosions
that were occurring behind him as the Princess and the Pirate once again
clashed. Memories of the morning flashed in his mind, as he recalled the
tragic fate of his bedroom. The recollection also served to reawaken
another nagging question in his mind. [Where on earth did they get that
body glue from?] he thought to himself again.

Chapter 3: Nowhere to Run

Chilled by his slide in the snow, Tenchi enjoyed a relaxing bath
after partaking of some of Sasami's delicious cookies. After toweling off
and changing back into his clothes, he exited the bathroom, stopping in his
tracks at the sight that greeted his eyes. Lined up on the ceiling following
the path that led to Ryoko's room were several dozen mistletoe, all with a
tag bearing Ryoko's name, and an imprint of lipstick where she had kissed
each one. Tenchi sighed. "Well, I'll have to face this sooner or later,
anyway," he said to himself as he plodded quietly to Ryoko's room.
The door was closed. He gulped and grasped the knob, turning it
as quietly as he could. He peered inside, and surveyed the situation. The
ceiling, walls, and even parts of the floor were covered in mistletoe. The
room looked like a geometric chia-pet. Laid out on the bed was Ryoko,
wearing a Mrs. Claus outfit... Well, the hat, anyway. The low-cut, fur-
trimmed felt top and the skintight red leather pants Ryoko wore hardly
seemed like the wardrobe choice for the conservative wife of the jolly
symbol of the holidays. Her eyes were closed, and her only movement
was the gentle rise and fall of her breaths. Tenchi couldn't help but stare
at her. When she wasn't hanging all over him, she was actually quite
beautiful.
Tenchi's hand slipped off the knob, causing a metallic click to
resonate through the quietness. Stirred by the noise, Ryoko opened her
eyes and turned her face to the source of the disturbance. She smiled
wide. "Thanks for not keeping me waiting too long," she said
breathlessly. "My lips are a little tired from kissing all the labels, so, if it's
all the same to you, let's skip right to the heavy petting."
Tenchi breathed deep and hung his head. He plodded into the
room and closed the door behind him. Gingerly stepping over the
mistletoe that lay scattered about the floor, he took a seat on the bed.
"Ryoko, what are you doing?" he asked.
"Well, let's see," Ryoko said playfully. "I'm lying on a bed,
surrounded by mistletoe, wearing a very suggestive outfit. It's called
foreplay."
"I was afraid of that," Tenchi groaned.
Ryoko sat up. "Come on, lie next to me, Tenchi," she pleaded.
"This outfit is really skimpy, and it's cold out today. I need you to warm
me up."
"Then I'll turn the heat up," Tenchi said.
"Oh, yeah, baby, make it hot!" Ryoko squealed excitedly.
"I meant I'll turn the thermostat up!" Tenchi corrected. "Ryoko, I
need to ask you: what is all this? The mistletoe, the outfit; what are you
trying to accomplish?"
"I just want to create a nice ambience for our special time
together," Ryoko replied. "I thought it would help, you know, 'get you
into the spirit.'"
"Well, it's not working," Tenchi said curtly. "You're creeping me
out, Ryoko."
"I am?" she asked.
"Yeah, a little," Tenchi answered.
Ryoko fell silent, and gazed vacantly down at the blanket. "Oh,"
was all she said.
Tenchi sighed and shook his head. He hated this part. This was
not the first time he had had to dash Ryoko's hopes of a romantic moment
with him. Every time he did it he felt bad, but his only other option was to
have Ryoko pressure him into something he didn't want to do. Ryoko
would feel bad, too, for a little while. It wouldn't be long, however, before
she was after him again. Then, Tenchi would have to hurt her feelings
again, and the scenario would play itself out all over again. It was the
most vicious of vicious cycles.
"I should have known," Ryoko said quietly.
"Huh?" Tenchi queried.
"What was I thinking?" Ryoko asked harshly, staring up at the
ceiling. "What made me think that this year would be any different? Why
do I set myself up like this every Christmas? Did you know, Tenchi, that I
spent so much money on mistletoe that I couldn't buy you a present? I
wanted my gift to you this year to be me. That's what I wanted to give you
more than anything in the entire world, Tenchi. I thought, deep down
inside, that that's what you wanted, too."
Tenchi pursed his lips. Once again, he found himself between a
rock and a hard place. He did care about Ryoko, but the way that she
wanted him to express that caring was not to Tenchi's liking. It seemed
that, as long as there were a bevy of beauties in competition for his heart,
this would be a road he would be forced to travel down many more times.
Suddenly, Ryoko grabbed Tenchi's wrist. Her soft amber eyes
gazed deeply into his own. "I can't stand it anymore, Tenchi," she said. "I
want you so very badly."
"Er, uh, Ryoko... I don't think I'm ready for this," Tenchi said
tightly, becoming almost completely unhinged at Ryoko's very direct
advances.
"It's okay," Ryoko said softly. "I'll lead you through it. I'll go
nice and slow so you don't lose me. I'll do anything you want. Please,
Tenchi, just be with me."
Tenchi leapt up off the bed and tore his wrist from Ryoko's grasp.
"Ryoko, cut it out!" Tenchi insisted.
Ryoko rose up off the bed and approached him. "It will be so
wonderful, Tenchi," she said. "I promise you the most amazing
sensations."
Tenchi felt a streak of blood slide down from his nose. "Come on,
Ryoko, you're scaring me!" he said.
"Tenchi, have you ever wanted something so badly that it hurts?"
Ryoko asked, desire plainly evident in her voice. "That's the way I feel
about you, Tenchi. Every fiber in my body aches for you, cries out for
your sweet touch. Touch me, Tenchi, and make the aching go away."
Tenchi couldn't take any more. He nearly ripped the door off its
hinges as he beat a hasty retreat from the room of his hormonal housemate.
His feet flew down the stairs as fast as they would carry him. Ryoko
followed him, shouting, "Please, Tenchi! Touch me!" The pair flew past
Kiyone and Mihoshi, who were watching television.
"Hmm, she's taking the direct approach, I see," Kiyone said.
Tenchi's legs didn't stop moving until he reached his last resort;
the inner sanctum of the person he felt was the only one who could help
him. He pounded furiously on the door to Washu's lab. "Ryoko
problem!" he shouted desperately. "HELP!"
"Tenchi, don't run!" Ryoko shouted from behind him. "You'll just
waste valuable playtime energy!"
From her room, Ayeka had heard the disturbance. "That damn
Ryoko!" she muttered through clenched teeth. "Fear not, Lord Tenchi,
help is on the way!" She dashed from her room, fully intending to put a
stop to Ryoko's overzealous flirting once and for all.
Ryoko finally caught up to Tenchi, whose back was firmly against
the door to Washu's lab. She tightly clutched him and snuggled her cheek
to his. "Let's go back up to my room where it's nice and comfortable,"
she said.
"Unhand him at once, you devil!" Ayeka shouted as she rushed
towards them at full speed. She planted her foot and leapt into the air,
straight at Ryoko. Her hands were outstretched, intending to wrap firmly
around the space pirate's neck. A split second before Ayeka was upon her
foe, Washu opened the door. The pink-haired genius was forced to watch
helplessly as the laws of inertia were playing themselves out before her
eyes. Ayeka plowed into Ryoko, who still clutched Tenchi, and all three
tumbled into Washu, sending them sprawling back into the lab. Washu
rolled to a stop on the floor, and Tenchi landed on a stainless steel table.
Ryoko and Ayeka both knocked over a small vat, sending a sticky
substance spewing out all over them and onto the floor.
Washu was the first to get up and dust herself off. "Is everyone
okay?" she asked.
"I... I think so," Tenchi said hesitantly, clutching his head as he sat
up on the table.
Ayeka and Ryoko both stood up, dripping with the unknown goo
that they had liberated from its enclosure. "Yecch, what is this stuff?"
Ryoko asked.
Ayeka spat out some of the substance that landed in her mouth.
"What is this awful mess?" she inquired. "It tastes like... it tastes like...
like... cherry?"
Ryoko looked quizzically at Ayeka. She then spied another vat of
a similar substance nearby. She walked over and stuck her finger in it.
She took a small taste. "Hey, this tastes like peach!"
Tenchi snapped his fingers in realization. "So that's where they
got the edible body glue from!" he said triumphantly.
"That's right!" Washu said enthusiastically. "I supply the entire
greater Okayama area with the stuff."
"What on earth..." Ayeka trailed off in shock.
"Hey, laboratory equipment isn't cheap, you know," Washu said.
"I needed to find a way to point my cash flow in the right direction."
"But... erotic glue?" Tenchi asked.
"Well, the shops in town were all a bit apprehensive about the idea
at first," Washu explained. She then smiled at Ryoko and Ayeka. "But,
once I told all the store managers about the consumer base in you two, they
all jumped at the idea!"
"I can't believe this!" Ayeka shouted in outrage. "So you're the
reason why I had to spend all my Christmas money on that horrible glue!"
"So you're broke, too?" Ryoko asked. Ayeka nodded her head
sheepishly.
Washu nodded. "I thought that might be the case," Washu said.
"As long as I'm coming clean, I might as well show you something else.
She led everyone to a room that resembled a greenhouse. However, this
particular greenhouse consisted of only one plant. "As you can see," she
said, indicating all of the plant that grew inside, "I've been cultivating my
own mistletoe as well, for the purpose of distribution."
"So, you're telling me," Ryoko said a bit angrily, "That all the
mistletoe that I bought this year came from you!?"
"Yep!" Washu said with a cute smile. "The shopkeepers weren't
sure about buying so much from me, but, once again, I told them about the
customer base."
"Well, this is just great!" Ayeka said. "Thanks to you, Ryoko and I
are both broke!"
"Serves you right!" Washu said. "Every Christmas you both make
total fools of yourselves. That's what you get for taking an innocent little
tradition too far."
"But that means we can't buy Tenchi anything for Christmas!"
Ayeka howled.
Washu reached into her rear pocket and pulled out a fat wad of
bills. "This is half of my profits from the glue and the mistletoe," she said.
"I'm willing to let you have it, if and only if you promise never to even
look at mistletoe again!"
Ryoko drooled at the sight of the money. In Washu's outstretched
hand was the key to making everything right with Tenchi. With that much
money at her disposal, she could make this the best Christmas ever. "Sure,
whatever," she agreed blindly as she snatched the cash from Washu's
hand.
"Hey, this is for you AND Ayeka!" Washu reminded.
"Yeah, whatever," Ryoko responded automatically as she made a
beeline for the door.
"Hey!" Ayeka shouted as she chased after her. "I have just as
much right to that money as you do! The body glue I had to stop you from
buying had to have cost way more than mistletoe!"
"Not when you buy a hundred pounds of it!" Ryoko shouted back.
"Now will you hurry up? We need to get to town before the shops close!"
Tenchi watched as the two girls raced out of the lab. When the
door shut behind them, he could only scratch his head in amazement.
Once again, through means that he could not grasp at the moment, Washu
had solved all of his problems. "Amazing," he marveled.
"Not really," Washu said. "You just have to know who you're
dealing with."
"Well, regardless, I'm impressed," Tenchi said. "Looks like you
saved Christmas this year. Not to mention me."
"Just call me Santa!" Washu said with a cute smile. She leaned up
and kissed Tenchi on the cheek.
Tenchi rubbed where he had just been kissed. "What was that
for?" he asked.
Washu snickered. "You're standing under the mistletoe, Tenchi,"
she said.
Tenchi looked up and saw one of the plants suspended above his
head from the ceiling. He managed an embarrassed grin as he conceded,
"Yeah, I guess I am."

THE END. HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYBODY!