Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction ❯ Tenchi for President ❯ Tenchi and the gang ( Prologue )
[ A - All Readers ]
By: Charles_Phipps 
A selection of wonderful interviews for your pleasure.
Anime/Manga: Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Self Insertion | Uploaded On: 08.29.2001 | Pages: 10 | Words: 5.1K | Visits: 286 | Status: Completed
A selection of wonderful interviews for your pleasure.
Anime/Manga: Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy | Type: Self Insertion | Uploaded On: 08.29.2001 | Pages: 10 | Words: 5.1K | Visits: 286 | Status: Completed
Tenchi for President!
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Tenchi, the Interviewer is a self-insertion it is true but he's insane so he'll fit right in.
This is inspired by "What if Tenchi was president" story but takes the general approach of those stupid but funny pseudo-fictions such as "Cobra Commander for 2000" or Cthulhu 1996#! It's a half sequel to my Interview with the Tenchi cast stories and makes a few references to them.
Interviewer: Welcome to the Tenchi for President campaign headquarters! Tired of the current guy already? Not exactly keen on your other option? Well let's try then some people who we all know and love in the Tenchi cast! We're interviewing applicants and will get their views on all the hot issues before setting em up on the Jurai ticket!
*Interviewer summons Tenchi Masaki*
Tenchi: Oh man not you again.
Interviewer: Be quiet! We're interviewing you for the candidacy for President of the United States of America!
Tenchi: What? I'm not even a resident! Heck I only speak English in the dub!
Interviewer: Your also far below the age limit unless Sakuya has had her way with you.
Tenchi: *sighs dreamily* Oh yeah.
*Interviewer smacks Tenchi*
Tenchi: Ow! What was that for?
Interviewer: Losing your virginity to an older woman who was your grandfather's girlfriend and not Ayeka.
Tenchi: Oh sorry.
*Interviewer smacks Tenchi again*
Tenchi: Ow!
Interviewer: That's for having a child with another one!
Tenchi: I thought this was supposed to be about me running for President!
Interviewer: We're going through preliminary scandals.
Tenchi: Uh huh! Okay I'm out of here…
*Interviewer waits patiently*
Tenchi: Damnit! I hate these fanfics! I can't ever escape!
Interviewer: Muhahahaha. Okay we're first going to ask why you are running for President of the United States.
Tenchi: Your making me!
Interviewer: Fair enough. Have you decided on who your running mate will be?
Tenchi: Hmmm well I guess limited to the household I'd choose Sasami.
*Interviewer smacks Tenchi across the face*
Interviewer: You sick pervert!
Tenchi: What? You asked me who my VP would be?
Interviewer: I asked you who the First Lady would be you Pedophile!
*Tenchi wonders what gods he ticked off this week for this*
Tenchi: Well I don't have one thank you very much! They'd all move in anyway and anyone I picked would be dead in a week.
Interviewer: You obviously lack the taste to pick the Camelotian next Jackie O pick of Ayeka.
Tenchi: Right….okay. If we're done now…
Interviewer: So what are your stances on the issues?
Tenchi: The issues?
Interviewer: Unemployment for instance.
Tenchi: Uh I'm against it.
Interviewer: Excellent answer! Next question what is your opinion on the United States military?
Tenchi: Ummm I have no opinion whatsoever.
Interviewer: Two for two! You keep this up and you'll be in the White House in no time!
Tenchi: Right…now..
Interviewer: So what of the rumors that you intend to replace all handguns in the world with Jurai energy swords?
Tenchi: What rumors! I've never said anything in my life like that.
Interviewer: So you deny it….tsk tsk tsk tsk.
*Tenchi prepares to summon the light hawk wings*
Interviewer: How for instance would you solve the United State's energy crisis by the way?
Tenchi: *puts away energy as he realizes it'd probably just trap him here forever* Well I guess I'd put Washu on it. She'd get it fixed in no time.
Interviewer: Impressive answer. Now for drugs.
Tenchi: *blinks* I don't do them.
Interviewer: I'm not accusing…
Tenchi: Listen I don't know how my roommate at college got that stuff and I certainly wasn't involved in selling any!
*Interviewer just stares shocked*
Interviewer: Okay. *Scribbles down some notes*
Tenchi: Just so where clear the police found now reason to prosecute.
Interviewer: Okay I think it's time for a new question. What is your sexual relationship with the five women who live in your house?
Tenchi: That's none of your damn business and none!
Interviewer: You do realize we can prosecute you for perjury now.
Tenchi: I did not have sexual relations with any of them!
Interviewer: *smirks* Ohhhh well *wink wink* I get it now.
Tenchi: Oh man what are you hinting at now?
Interviewer: Yeah Washu. *Interviewer then creepily shudders as memories come back*
Tenchi: So anything else?
Interviewer: Okay let's say a war breaks out with Jurai…
Tenchi: Why would war break out with Jurai?
Interviewer: It doesn't matter that it's Jurai. I just don't want to say China or Russia or anybody. What would you do?
Tenchi: Well I'd send Ayeka to tell her father to stop it.
Interviewer: And such a brave noble beautiful purple haired goddess would lonely march to end this war while her ungrateful sob of a master watches on. She is truly great.
Tenchi: Yeah whatever.
Interviewer: And what happens if she fails and they attack Earth?
Tenchi: We all die. They're like a million years ahead of technology.
Interviewer: Well this is going to win votes *pppphpt*
Tenchi: I don't want to win votes! I guess I'd also try to stop them myself with the Light hawk wings, Ryoko, Mihoshi, Kiyone, and the rest.
Interviewer: Ah so you support smaller military groups but higher technology and training. Plus increased liberalization in the military towards women and gays?
Tenchi:…gays?
Interviewer: You know who I'm talking about.
Tenchi: No I don't! Really!
Interviewer: Gotcha. Well Mr. Masaki it was wonderful having you here! See you in four years!
Tenchi: Huh? Your not even having an election now?
*Tenchi disappears*
Interviewer: Next up, that beautiful Purple haired goddess I so adore gives her opinions on why she should be the closest thing the USA has to a queen!
-Comments?
***
Ah next on our list for candidates for the Jurai party is her Imperial Royal highness Ayeka! Some have commented previously I show a large amount of bias towards her Grand Ladyship so that my journalistic integrity is compromised interviewing this paragon of sensuality! Not so I say! I fully intend to conduct the interview with every attempt to avoid fawning at the amazing one's feet.
Why is everyone staring at me?
*Interviewer summons Ayeka*
Interviewer: Greetings Exalted one.
Ayeka: Hello my second favorite suitor.
Interviewer: Any chance I might become your favorite someday?
Ayeka: Oh hahaha no not a chance at all.
*Interviewer curses in several languages for the purpose of the fanfic he knows*
Ayeka: Are you commenting about your inferiority to Lord Tenchi? If so don't really, you shouldn't be ashamed your not as good as him. No other men are save…maybe my dearest brother Yosho.
*Ayeka sighs dreamily as the Interviewer wretches*
Interviewer: Ummm can we get on with the Interview?
Ayeka: Ah yes your little democracy thing. Hehehe this will be amusing.
Interviewer: Yes we're curious if you were chosen as the next President of the United States your platform would be?
Ayeka: Well I suppose my platform would be if I understand your history right, returning your country to its' rightful monarchial leaders.
Interviewer: Ummm and if they don't want it back?
Ayeka: Why would they…oh well then I'd obviously claim it. I'd establish Councils of Elders, dissolve congress, and all that. You understand.
Interviewer: *blinks then changes his look* Perfectly!
Ayeka: Oh good, next question.
Interviewer: Well who would you choose as your vice-president.
Ayeka: Well in the horrific event of my death, which I would make terms to avoid by replacing your rather inefficient secret service with guardians…I mean how many presidents have you had assassinated really…and in only 200 years! I would no doubt choose to succeed me my little sister Sasami who will by then be fully merged with Tsunami and able to rule your little planet for all eternity after my benevolent religious reign.
Interviewer: Why am I getting flashbacks to Frank Herbert's Dune Messiah?
Ayeka: I'm afraid I couldn't tell you.
Interviewer: Uhhh that's okay. Aside from dissolving the United States as we know it what else would you do to improve our nation?
Ayeka: A very far reaching question, my dear servant.
Interviewer: I could break it down oh illustrious one.
*Ayeka pats the Interviewer's shoulder, which he swears he'll keep sacred for all time*
Ayeka: That won't be necessary. I suppose I'd focus on an environmental ticket with replacing all your outmoded technology with more efficient biological based technology. I'd insist on all weapons being replaced by more proper forms of Juraian dueling with energy swords to resolve disputes…I think that will definitely cut down on your prison problem and finally I'd also eliminate the statute of limitations so criminals could be pursued for all eternity as only fitting.
Interviewer: Ummm okay.
Ayeka: Oh and piracy is punishable by death and no pardons!
Interviewer: You have some very specific ideas about government Lady Ayeka.
Ayeka: I've learned from experience several painful lessons about law.
Interviewer: I see. I'm afraid you may encounter some opposition despite the uniqueness of these ideas your highness.
Ayeka: I understand so I intend to appeal to the female voter by legalizing harems for women. I don't think a civilized society should allow men to marry more than one woman after all. One of the sad facts about Jurai I think.
*Interviewer is disturbed that he's actually heartened by this*
Interviewer: So Lady Ayeka how would you handle foreign relations?
Ayeka: Given the United States under me will be so prestigious I will demand tribute from all other nations in order to prove it. Nations that do not comply I will force to answer to my father's fleet with the threat of being burned to ashes!
*Interviewer blinks shocked*
Interviewer: That's a bit harsh…my lady.
Ayeka: Oh is it? I was watching Gundam and thought that's how you did things here.
Interviewer: Actually it's pretty much right without the mobile suits.
Ayeka: Oh well that settles that.
Interviewer: What's your opinion censorship?
Ayeka: I am firmly against it and believe everyone has a right to be properly respectful and fearful of the Government. I thus support the right to intimidate and duel with the impolite as a way of quelling censorship.
Interviewer: Been reading 1984 have we before this interview?
*Ayeka blushes*
Ayeka: Oh you guessed. It's such a…naughty book.
Interviewer: I…'ll have to re-read it.
Ayeka: Oh yes…it's quite…stimulating.
Interviewer: Uhhmmmm really?
Ayeka: Yes. Shall I get my whip?
Interviewer: Yes…n…yes…y…
*Interviewer is disturbed he can't say no even to finish this interview*
Interviewer: Let's save it for the end of the interview.
Ayeka: Ah of course the climax.
Interviewer: Ummmm….
*Ayeka waits patiently before smacking him*
Interviewer: Oh sorry that happens on occasion.
Ayeka: Yes we do it on occasion. War is peace! Hehehe what wonderful poetry.
Interviewer: What's your opinion on state's rights?
Ayeka: They have none, next question.
Interviewer: Fair enough, Democrat leanings, so what would you do if you were accused of lying under oath.
Ayeka: I'd slay the lying fool who accused me on the spot and feed his bones and flesh to Ryo-Oki!
Interviewer: Ryo-oki eats flesh?
Ayeka: He will after I genetically engineer a few hundred ones who do. World conquering requires fresh ships you know. Try and keep up.
Interviewer: Your opinions on women's rights?
Ayeka: It is a woman's right to absolutely everything unless it conflicts with another women's rights.
Interviewer: Your going to sweep a demographic you know that.
Ayeka: A demographic? What about the rest.
Interviewer: All of them! All of them!
Ayeka: Oh you are far too kind. Now where was that whip…
Interviewer: Well I guess this interview is over.
-Comments?
***
Hello there and welcome to the third installment of the "Jurai Party candidate search" in which we have the impressive candidates of Ayeka and not so impressive candidate of Tenchi Masaki to contend with our third candidate…
RYOKO!
Hey, hey! Quit with the deafening applause would ya? She's not chosen as our party candidate yet!
*Interviewer summons Ryoko*
Ryoko: Hello all you lucky people you!
Interviewer: Yeah yeah let's get this over with.
Ryoko: Your just mad because I'm a shoo in for this election. I'm the only candidate who has two thousand years of experience while also maintaining a non-childlike figure, which will definitely win me the male vote as I sweep women with my empowering message.
Interviewer: Take anything that's not nailed down?
Ryoko: You say that like it's a bad thing. Plus I'm completely reformed according to the top psychiatrist in the universe.
*Interviewer reads document Ryoko produces*
Ryoko: I was temporarily insane during any criminal actions conducted after the statue of limitations passed.
Interviewer: This was done by Washu!
Ryoko: Known for her numerous books and essays on childrearing and criminal psychology that are universally acclaimed.
Interviewer: Oh for the love…could you tell us what your platform is for your election?
Ryoko: I intend to wipe out all crime in America.
*Interviewer puts his head in his hands*
Interviewer: Oh this I gotta here.
Ryoko: Who better to eliminate crime than the galaxy's former top wanted space pirate?
Interviewer: Anybody!
Ryoko: Pishaw. So let's get down to my plan to change the face of America..
Interviewer: Let's not hope with turbolasers. So what are your plans for dealing with drugs in America?
Ryoko: This is an issue of very real concern to the American people and for that I intend to call in my expert Mihoshi as my new drug czar.
*Interviewer blinks*
Interviewer: Mihoshi?
Ryoko: We can't really get worse at this point now can we? Besides she's been known to pull off weirder things.
Interviewer: True enough. How about gang violence?
Ryoko: The best way to resolve gang violence I believe is to offer every single gang member a job in the new Ryoko space military for the furthering of our nation's wealth.
Interviewer: Your recruiting them all as pirates!
Ryoko: I prefer the term "licensed privateers". Under my leadership the destructive urges of society can put to better use.
Interviewer: Yeah probably against the Jurai royal family.
Ryoko: I have currently no comment on the decadent aristocracy of said nation-planet.
Interviewer: Okay and how about local and unorganized crime, how exactly do you intend to deal with that?
Ryoko: In the interests of furthering the peace our forefathers…
Interviewer: You've never even been to America before fanfic!
Ryoko: our forefathers struggled so hard to build I am working in tandem to have noted intelligence expert Dr. Washu to install bugs and cameras in every home in America which will be processed and thus allow prosecution within seconds.
Interviewer: Oh my…
Ryoko: Little washu is watching you.
Interviewer: Did Tenchi like have to do a book report on Orwell or something? Leave the story lying around the house?
Ryoko: Actually just the cliff notes. Pretty boring stuff. So are you clear thus far on my plan for the revitalizing of America's security?
Interviewer: Crystal. Who are you choosing as your vice president?
Ryoko: After long and careful deliberation and confirmation I have decided that my long time friend and companion Nagi will be fulfilling the position.
Interviewer: You hate her and she hates you!
Ryoko: Tsk tsk those were mere fabrications of a media run wild interviewer. Nagi understands my pain and commitment to the future of this country and I can think of none better to carry on my dream should I meet an untimely end or bag Tenchi and ditch this job, whichever comes first.
*Interviewer crumbles his questions up*
Interviewer: And if she should happen to be involved in your untimely demise?
Ryoko: That's not a normal question.
Interviewer: You're not a normal candidate!
Ryoko: I'm sure it won't come to that though if my VP nomination is listening…oh dear excuse me *coughcough* IcouldreplaceyouwithSasami *coughcough*. Ahem oh my that was a long cough, I must be having trouble with my asthma.
Interviewer: Righht. We'll ignore your bio-engineered and immune to all disease and afflictions…
Ryoko: Health care is a part of my agenda!
*Interviewer tosses questions into the fireplace…again*
Interviewer: and instead focus on a character question regarding legalities in domestic violence.
Ryoko: If a princess of a foreign nation attacks a resident of Japan for seven hundred years it is perfectly within their rights to shove them through a brick wall. Hypothetically speaking.
Interviewer: That's not the question I'm going…
Ryoko: I know I know it's going to cause an intergalactic incident but really we have to show our citizens that we care about them more than we care about cultivating ties with a imperialistic belligerent power.
Interviewer: Oh for crying out…
Ryoko: *sniff* I know what it feels like to be abused and forgotten by a parent and to suffer needlessly in a household….can a person really be blamed for what they do in a situation like that?
*Interviewer looks teary eyed and gets her a hankie before he starts to realize what she's doing*
Interviewer: Now wait a minute…
Ryoko: Thus any Supreme Court justice I support will recognize childhood trauma such as kidnapping at an early age by a super scientist or being pushed around in a flower garden is justification for fraud, grand theft, and attacking capital nations.
Interviewer: I'm beginning to notice someone in particular will be benefiting from the reforms I make.
Ryoko: I am one of the people. My needs are theirs.
Interviewer: Okay getting off the criminal aspects of this case…
Ryoko: I also want to make it known that whatever myself and intern Tenchi did in the Oval Office yesterday was completely between us and I will refuse to answer any question regarding it.
Interviewer: What the…
Ryoko: I said no questions you sick demented pervert!
Interviewer: I am not a… *fumes* okay moving on, let's talk about economics.
Ryoko: I support campaign finance reform and only contributions made in the form of small unmarked dollar bills will be acceptable currency and then only to oppressed minorities such as cyan haired women with non-homosapien ancestors for affirmative action purposes.
Interviewer: I'm not…even…dignifying that one.
Ryoko: The truth shall set you free now let's get down to getting my face on the one dollar bill.
Interviewer: What? You can't be serious.
Ryoko: Hey it's the powdered wigged bald guy's ugly mug or my beautiful face. Which would you prefer?
Interviewer: Okay point conceded.
Ryoko: I'd accept a two dollar bill because I'm worth twice as much as him though!
Interviewer: Well there you have it folks, Ryoko and her works planned for the candidacy of the United States. Vote for her at your own risk.
Ryoko: Before we go I want everyone to know when we rob the galactic bank I'll share the spoils!
Interviewer: That's bribery!
Ryoko: I'm legalizing that too.
*Interviewer sends away Ryoko*
Interviewer: Next up Sasami!
-Comments
***
Hello there folks! After our exhausting interview with Ryoko the committed Republican (hopefully to an institution)…OWW OWWW geez do you Ryoko-fans just bring weapons to all my fics beforehand?
Okay okay no Ryoko bashing….she is probably reading this anyway. Today we shall be continuing our interview for the Jurai national parties official candidate for President of the United States.
Next up on our candidate list….SASAMI!
*Interviewer summons Sasasmi*
Tsunami: Hiya!
Interviewer: What the…
Tsunami: Oh sorry, for the interview I decided to speed up the assimilation process. Hi all you lucky people you.
Interviewer: Ummm you are Sasami right?
Tsunami: Who else would I be?
Interviewer: I dunno I sort of imagined the process akin to a Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Lovecraftian demonic possession where a subject such a young innocent girl is ejected to make room for the malevolent godlike entity.
*Tsunami stares*
Interviewer: I'm way off on this aren't I?
Tsunami: Uh, yeah.
Interviewer: Ummm nice hair.
Tsunami: Uh thanks.
Interviewer: So getting onto the whole President of the United States deal, you'd be the first women President of our country.
Tsunami: Oh I would? Was their something wrong before?
Interviewer: Well women couldn't even vote til this century.
Tsunami: How awful! I'll change that the moment I'm in office.
Interviewer: Well your actually a bit…
Tsunami: I think that's just wrong that women haven't had a president and I'll be the best president they've ever had…which I suppose shouldn't be hard.
*Interviewer blinks and shrugs*
Interviewer: Yeah your Sasami all right…or Mihoshi. So what's your agenda for the United States once you become President?
Tsunami: Well I suppose it would be to make people's lives better you know.
Interviewer: That's nice. How would you go about that?
Tsunami: Well I'd listen to peoples problems and fix them and stuff. I am a princess and all and that's what my father does. Plus I have the power and knowledge of a goddess now so that means I'd be really good at stuff like finance and agriculture.
Interviewer: Those are definite pluses.
Tsunami: Oh and I'd make sure every family has a cabbit.
Interviewer: Well there is the question of the carrot shortage that would cause and the fact cabbits become terrifyingly powerful battle ships.
Tsunami: I'd address those as president.
Interviewer: So who are you choosing to fill the seat at your side come the White House?
Tsunami: Umm do we mean who I want to marry or who I want as my vice president or who I want for you know…
Interviewer: You know?
*Interviewer blinks as he realizes*
Tsunami: S…E…X.
*Interviewer flushes*
Interviewer: Umm your too young to think about that.
Tsunami: But I'm old enough to be a candidate for President?
Interviewer: Yes it's one of your main selling points. I mean as your V.P.
Tsunami: Oh then I guess Ryo-Oki.
Interviewer: Your replacement would be a cabbit who can only think about carrots?
Tsunami: Yes she'd really do a good job if he had the right advisors.
Interviewer: That's what we said about Dubya.
Tsunami: Hmmm?
Interviewer: Nothing. The previous three candidates have all quoted you as a vice-president nomination. Have you any reason to explain your appeal?
Tsunami: I make the food and you can eat it as opposed to Ryoko's and Noboyuki's?
Interviewer: Errr good answer.
Tsunami: I would make sure every man and woman growing up gets a good education in food. It's just not right some people don't know how to take care of stuff like that and a house.
Interviewer: Oddly I'm leaning toward voting for you myself now.
Tsunami: Why thank you.
Interviewer: Now were going to focus on some issues. What exactly would you do if one of the Supreme Court died and your support would put them through. One of the candidates is highly conservative with a history of just decisions and rulings but a definite agenda to moving the country toward a return of religeous and state unity…
Tsunami: Oh you don't have that on Earth?
Interviewer: Uh well not everywhere. It's not really worked in a lot of places…
Tsunami: That's sad, it's fine on Jurai.
Interviewer: Oh really?
Tsunami: *the goddess stares at the Interviewer*
Interviewer: Oh yeah right. The other candidate is a much more moderate candidate but he's strongly for *writes down a list of liberal issues and hands them to Tsunami-Sasami*
The following policies and would support them as legal if court cases come.
Tsunami: Gosh this is a lot.
Interviewer: I wanted to cover all the bases.
Tsunami: Well I support this and that but I don't support that.
Interviewer: Unfortunate I know. Which would you choose as your candidate?
Tsunami: Well the religious guy sounds good but it's unpopular I shouldn't. I guess I'd suggest a third candidate. Oh I know, Yosho!
Interviewer: pardon?
Tsunami: He'd have all the good issues plus handle the state thing.
*Interviewer shrugs and nods*
Tsunami: Plus if anyone did anything bad with his rulings he'd cut em down with a laser sword.
*Tsunami-Sasami twirls her hair happily*
Interviewer: Well that was the most nonoffensive response any fan of the show could get with strong political beliefs.
Tsunami: I do my best.
Interviewer: So do you have anything else to say to the people of the United States and elsewhere?
Tsunami: Well I know it will take about a thousand to ten thousand years for this to reach planet Jurai but I just want to say Hi momma! Hi papa!
*Interviewer watches her wave*
Interviewer: Well there you have it folks! Next up on our list will be the immortal Washu!
-Comments?
***
Ah there's nothing like a fresh interview to get one's day started and today we have a very special party guest today with scientist, mother, ex-POW and now politician Washu!
*Interviewer summons Washu and hopes he isn't teleported into her lab again*
Washu: Howdy folks.
Interviewer: I see your wearing your adult body for this interviewer.
Washu: My statistical analysis indicates voters respond more positively to a form that's past puberty.
Interviewer: So I understand. So Big Wa…
*Washu turns Interviewer into a cabbit with a remote then back*
Interviewer: GAHHHH!
Washu: Don't call me Big Washu.
Interviewer: Ahhhhh what the….carrots…ahhhh….
Washu: You aren't acting very professional in this interview. What would Walter Cronkite say?
Interviewer: Walter Cronkite was never turned into another lifeform by a subject?
Washu: Oh shush and get on with the interview.
Interviewer: So what….carrots….*shakes his head rapidly* is your platform?
Washu: I'm glad you asked that boy. *Washu gives the interviewer a carrot, which he greedily munches on* I intend to do nothing but health care and education.
Interviewer: Mmmmmm. *shakes his head again* Why did I have a feeling those would be your issues?
Washu: Mainly because the tagging for genetic research of everyone in the world is for some reason an unpopular issue *pats her interviewer*
Interviewer: Rowr…LISTEN HOW LONG TIL THIS WEARS OFF?
Washu: Oh don't worry, the psychic trauma only lasts an hour or two or a lifetime. Depends. Basically I think the Earth's problems can all be solved if everyone becomes a scientific genius like me though truth be told I don't think you'll ever be able to do it. In twenty thousand years a few might just come close!
Interviewer: Hence the health care. I see. So how exactly would you pay for these massive undertakings?
Washu: Well given I own five planets of scientific equipment I don't really need to spend too much of the United States's budget but just replicate the stuff all the kids of America needs. Shouldn't take more than an hour.
Interviewer: Uh huh.
Washu: I'll consider the reimbursement of America the culling of the best scientific minds as lab assistants for the rest of their natural lives. Maybe they're descendants too.
Interviewer: Esssh.
Washu: Don't cry for them they'll get everything they want and with a few eggs and some mass we'll just replicate for them wives too if they get lonely! It worked for Ryoko!
Interviewer: That's…..
Washu: Ingenious?
Interviewer: Debatable. What about if the United States is attacked by a foreign power?
Washu: I will release my genetically engineered horde of rapid cabbits to tear their civilization back to base components…then offer to rebuild it for allegiance!
Interviewer: Ummm you're part of the Reform Party aren't you?
Washu: Card-carrying member. How'd you know?
Interviewer: Just a guess.
Washu: I shouldn't say in an interviewer but any foreign power gets prissy I'll just take em down to the lab, clone them or splice some better brain tissue into them and thus bring about world peace.
Interviewer: *eyes widen* I think that may be illegal.
Washu: Not after I've replaced the Supreme Court and Congress!
Interviewer: You've thought this out rather thoroughly haven't you?
Washu: I've had it in my mind ever since I came to the Earth.
Interviewer: More info than I wanted to know Not-so-little Washu. So who would be your running mate?
Washu: You mean my V.P. and not my little guinea pig right?
Interviewer: Yeah…
Washu: Goody I would have as my running mate…WASHU!
Interviewer: Pardon?
Washu: If by some bizarre circumstance I were to be killed I would just activate one of my many clones for such a case. I don't ever intend to be replaced as president once I'm in office you know.
Interviewer: So you'll just rule us forever.
Washu: Oh yes. I'll get elected by telling the American People who shot Kennedy too.
Interviewer: Who?
*Washu whispers in the interviewers ear*
Interviewer: Get out!
Washu: It's true! I went back in time to confirm it.
Interviewer: Well I'll be. So any plans you have as President for stimulating the economy?
Washu: I intend to eliminate taxes.
Interviewer: Umm Washu even if you do have five planets I doubt that will help the economy.
Washu: Well I don't ACTUALLY intend to do it. It's one of those campaign lie things my computer says I have to do to be well liked.
Interviewer: pardon?
Washu: Well everyone expects politicians to lie and wants them to not so I will and I won't.
Interviewer: Huh?
Washu: Exactly.
Interviewer: *shakes away weird urge to vote for her* So any further plans you'd like to share with us regarding your campaign and subsequent works for the United States of America?
Washu: If you don't install a scientific mastermind in charge of your planet to fix the world, terrible ancient sea-creatures that have been sleeping dormant beneath the earth's crust will awaken and destroy you all.
Interviewer: Is that true?
Washu: As far as you know. Cthulhu ho!
Interviewer: Seven thousand years imprisoned and among the things you read when your out is Lovecraft?
Washu: I went to the science academy with him. Top of his class after me and that's only because he couldn't swallow my cute crab hair.
Interviewer: Okay I think this is straying off topic.
Washu: I'm not exactly sure we have one.
Interviewer: Okay final question then, once you've presumably accomplished your goals as President of the United States…ruling forever with an army of cloned slaves at your beck and call….
Washu: Not to mention an army of super geniuses for galactic domination! Oooo cookies.
*Washu grabs one and crunches*
Interviewer: Yeah Tsunami made them before she left. What would you like people to remember your legacy as?
Washu: I just want people to be able to look at my statue in New York Harbor….
Interviewer: ohgreatshe'sreplacingthestatueoflibertywithherfacenow.
Washu: And know that I stood for something greater than myself…..
Interviewer: And what's that?
Washu: Making myself better!
*Interviewer dismisses Washu with a wave*
-Comments?
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Tenchi, the Interviewer is a self-insertion it is true but he's insane so he'll fit right in.
This is inspired by "What if Tenchi was president" story but takes the general approach of those stupid but funny pseudo-fictions such as "Cobra Commander for 2000" or Cthulhu 1996#! It's a half sequel to my Interview with the Tenchi cast stories and makes a few references to them.
Interviewer: Welcome to the Tenchi for President campaign headquarters! Tired of the current guy already? Not exactly keen on your other option? Well let's try then some people who we all know and love in the Tenchi cast! We're interviewing applicants and will get their views on all the hot issues before setting em up on the Jurai ticket!
*Interviewer summons Tenchi Masaki*
Tenchi: Oh man not you again.
Interviewer: Be quiet! We're interviewing you for the candidacy for President of the United States of America!
Tenchi: What? I'm not even a resident! Heck I only speak English in the dub!
Interviewer: Your also far below the age limit unless Sakuya has had her way with you.
Tenchi: *sighs dreamily* Oh yeah.
*Interviewer smacks Tenchi*
Tenchi: Ow! What was that for?
Interviewer: Losing your virginity to an older woman who was your grandfather's girlfriend and not Ayeka.
Tenchi: Oh sorry.
*Interviewer smacks Tenchi again*
Tenchi: Ow!
Interviewer: That's for having a child with another one!
Tenchi: I thought this was supposed to be about me running for President!
Interviewer: We're going through preliminary scandals.
Tenchi: Uh huh! Okay I'm out of here…
*Interviewer waits patiently*
Tenchi: Damnit! I hate these fanfics! I can't ever escape!
Interviewer: Muhahahaha. Okay we're first going to ask why you are running for President of the United States.
Tenchi: Your making me!
Interviewer: Fair enough. Have you decided on who your running mate will be?
Tenchi: Hmmm well I guess limited to the household I'd choose Sasami.
*Interviewer smacks Tenchi across the face*
Interviewer: You sick pervert!
Tenchi: What? You asked me who my VP would be?
Interviewer: I asked you who the First Lady would be you Pedophile!
*Tenchi wonders what gods he ticked off this week for this*
Tenchi: Well I don't have one thank you very much! They'd all move in anyway and anyone I picked would be dead in a week.
Interviewer: You obviously lack the taste to pick the Camelotian next Jackie O pick of Ayeka.
Tenchi: Right….okay. If we're done now…
Interviewer: So what are your stances on the issues?
Tenchi: The issues?
Interviewer: Unemployment for instance.
Tenchi: Uh I'm against it.
Interviewer: Excellent answer! Next question what is your opinion on the United States military?
Tenchi: Ummm I have no opinion whatsoever.
Interviewer: Two for two! You keep this up and you'll be in the White House in no time!
Tenchi: Right…now..
Interviewer: So what of the rumors that you intend to replace all handguns in the world with Jurai energy swords?
Tenchi: What rumors! I've never said anything in my life like that.
Interviewer: So you deny it….tsk tsk tsk tsk.
*Tenchi prepares to summon the light hawk wings*
Interviewer: How for instance would you solve the United State's energy crisis by the way?
Tenchi: *puts away energy as he realizes it'd probably just trap him here forever* Well I guess I'd put Washu on it. She'd get it fixed in no time.
Interviewer: Impressive answer. Now for drugs.
Tenchi: *blinks* I don't do them.
Interviewer: I'm not accusing…
Tenchi: Listen I don't know how my roommate at college got that stuff and I certainly wasn't involved in selling any!
*Interviewer just stares shocked*
Interviewer: Okay. *Scribbles down some notes*
Tenchi: Just so where clear the police found now reason to prosecute.
Interviewer: Okay I think it's time for a new question. What is your sexual relationship with the five women who live in your house?
Tenchi: That's none of your damn business and none!
Interviewer: You do realize we can prosecute you for perjury now.
Tenchi: I did not have sexual relations with any of them!
Interviewer: *smirks* Ohhhh well *wink wink* I get it now.
Tenchi: Oh man what are you hinting at now?
Interviewer: Yeah Washu. *Interviewer then creepily shudders as memories come back*
Tenchi: So anything else?
Interviewer: Okay let's say a war breaks out with Jurai…
Tenchi: Why would war break out with Jurai?
Interviewer: It doesn't matter that it's Jurai. I just don't want to say China or Russia or anybody. What would you do?
Tenchi: Well I'd send Ayeka to tell her father to stop it.
Interviewer: And such a brave noble beautiful purple haired goddess would lonely march to end this war while her ungrateful sob of a master watches on. She is truly great.
Tenchi: Yeah whatever.
Interviewer: And what happens if she fails and they attack Earth?
Tenchi: We all die. They're like a million years ahead of technology.
Interviewer: Well this is going to win votes *pppphpt*
Tenchi: I don't want to win votes! I guess I'd also try to stop them myself with the Light hawk wings, Ryoko, Mihoshi, Kiyone, and the rest.
Interviewer: Ah so you support smaller military groups but higher technology and training. Plus increased liberalization in the military towards women and gays?
Tenchi:…gays?
Interviewer: You know who I'm talking about.
Tenchi: No I don't! Really!
Interviewer: Gotcha. Well Mr. Masaki it was wonderful having you here! See you in four years!
Tenchi: Huh? Your not even having an election now?
*Tenchi disappears*
Interviewer: Next up, that beautiful Purple haired goddess I so adore gives her opinions on why she should be the closest thing the USA has to a queen!
-Comments?
***
Ah next on our list for candidates for the Jurai party is her Imperial Royal highness Ayeka! Some have commented previously I show a large amount of bias towards her Grand Ladyship so that my journalistic integrity is compromised interviewing this paragon of sensuality! Not so I say! I fully intend to conduct the interview with every attempt to avoid fawning at the amazing one's feet.
Why is everyone staring at me?
*Interviewer summons Ayeka*
Interviewer: Greetings Exalted one.
Ayeka: Hello my second favorite suitor.
Interviewer: Any chance I might become your favorite someday?
Ayeka: Oh hahaha no not a chance at all.
*Interviewer curses in several languages for the purpose of the fanfic he knows*
Ayeka: Are you commenting about your inferiority to Lord Tenchi? If so don't really, you shouldn't be ashamed your not as good as him. No other men are save…maybe my dearest brother Yosho.
*Ayeka sighs dreamily as the Interviewer wretches*
Interviewer: Ummm can we get on with the Interview?
Ayeka: Ah yes your little democracy thing. Hehehe this will be amusing.
Interviewer: Yes we're curious if you were chosen as the next President of the United States your platform would be?
Ayeka: Well I suppose my platform would be if I understand your history right, returning your country to its' rightful monarchial leaders.
Interviewer: Ummm and if they don't want it back?
Ayeka: Why would they…oh well then I'd obviously claim it. I'd establish Councils of Elders, dissolve congress, and all that. You understand.
Interviewer: *blinks then changes his look* Perfectly!
Ayeka: Oh good, next question.
Interviewer: Well who would you choose as your vice-president.
Ayeka: Well in the horrific event of my death, which I would make terms to avoid by replacing your rather inefficient secret service with guardians…I mean how many presidents have you had assassinated really…and in only 200 years! I would no doubt choose to succeed me my little sister Sasami who will by then be fully merged with Tsunami and able to rule your little planet for all eternity after my benevolent religious reign.
Interviewer: Why am I getting flashbacks to Frank Herbert's Dune Messiah?
Ayeka: I'm afraid I couldn't tell you.
Interviewer: Uhhh that's okay. Aside from dissolving the United States as we know it what else would you do to improve our nation?
Ayeka: A very far reaching question, my dear servant.
Interviewer: I could break it down oh illustrious one.
*Ayeka pats the Interviewer's shoulder, which he swears he'll keep sacred for all time*
Ayeka: That won't be necessary. I suppose I'd focus on an environmental ticket with replacing all your outmoded technology with more efficient biological based technology. I'd insist on all weapons being replaced by more proper forms of Juraian dueling with energy swords to resolve disputes…I think that will definitely cut down on your prison problem and finally I'd also eliminate the statute of limitations so criminals could be pursued for all eternity as only fitting.
Interviewer: Ummm okay.
Ayeka: Oh and piracy is punishable by death and no pardons!
Interviewer: You have some very specific ideas about government Lady Ayeka.
Ayeka: I've learned from experience several painful lessons about law.
Interviewer: I see. I'm afraid you may encounter some opposition despite the uniqueness of these ideas your highness.
Ayeka: I understand so I intend to appeal to the female voter by legalizing harems for women. I don't think a civilized society should allow men to marry more than one woman after all. One of the sad facts about Jurai I think.
*Interviewer is disturbed that he's actually heartened by this*
Interviewer: So Lady Ayeka how would you handle foreign relations?
Ayeka: Given the United States under me will be so prestigious I will demand tribute from all other nations in order to prove it. Nations that do not comply I will force to answer to my father's fleet with the threat of being burned to ashes!
*Interviewer blinks shocked*
Interviewer: That's a bit harsh…my lady.
Ayeka: Oh is it? I was watching Gundam and thought that's how you did things here.
Interviewer: Actually it's pretty much right without the mobile suits.
Ayeka: Oh well that settles that.
Interviewer: What's your opinion censorship?
Ayeka: I am firmly against it and believe everyone has a right to be properly respectful and fearful of the Government. I thus support the right to intimidate and duel with the impolite as a way of quelling censorship.
Interviewer: Been reading 1984 have we before this interview?
*Ayeka blushes*
Ayeka: Oh you guessed. It's such a…naughty book.
Interviewer: I…'ll have to re-read it.
Ayeka: Oh yes…it's quite…stimulating.
Interviewer: Uhhmmmm really?
Ayeka: Yes. Shall I get my whip?
Interviewer: Yes…n…yes…y…
*Interviewer is disturbed he can't say no even to finish this interview*
Interviewer: Let's save it for the end of the interview.
Ayeka: Ah of course the climax.
Interviewer: Ummmm….
*Ayeka waits patiently before smacking him*
Interviewer: Oh sorry that happens on occasion.
Ayeka: Yes we do it on occasion. War is peace! Hehehe what wonderful poetry.
Interviewer: What's your opinion on state's rights?
Ayeka: They have none, next question.
Interviewer: Fair enough, Democrat leanings, so what would you do if you were accused of lying under oath.
Ayeka: I'd slay the lying fool who accused me on the spot and feed his bones and flesh to Ryo-Oki!
Interviewer: Ryo-oki eats flesh?
Ayeka: He will after I genetically engineer a few hundred ones who do. World conquering requires fresh ships you know. Try and keep up.
Interviewer: Your opinions on women's rights?
Ayeka: It is a woman's right to absolutely everything unless it conflicts with another women's rights.
Interviewer: Your going to sweep a demographic you know that.
Ayeka: A demographic? What about the rest.
Interviewer: All of them! All of them!
Ayeka: Oh you are far too kind. Now where was that whip…
Interviewer: Well I guess this interview is over.
-Comments?
***
Hello there and welcome to the third installment of the "Jurai Party candidate search" in which we have the impressive candidates of Ayeka and not so impressive candidate of Tenchi Masaki to contend with our third candidate…
RYOKO!
Hey, hey! Quit with the deafening applause would ya? She's not chosen as our party candidate yet!
*Interviewer summons Ryoko*
Ryoko: Hello all you lucky people you!
Interviewer: Yeah yeah let's get this over with.
Ryoko: Your just mad because I'm a shoo in for this election. I'm the only candidate who has two thousand years of experience while also maintaining a non-childlike figure, which will definitely win me the male vote as I sweep women with my empowering message.
Interviewer: Take anything that's not nailed down?
Ryoko: You say that like it's a bad thing. Plus I'm completely reformed according to the top psychiatrist in the universe.
*Interviewer reads document Ryoko produces*
Ryoko: I was temporarily insane during any criminal actions conducted after the statue of limitations passed.
Interviewer: This was done by Washu!
Ryoko: Known for her numerous books and essays on childrearing and criminal psychology that are universally acclaimed.
Interviewer: Oh for the love…could you tell us what your platform is for your election?
Ryoko: I intend to wipe out all crime in America.
*Interviewer puts his head in his hands*
Interviewer: Oh this I gotta here.
Ryoko: Who better to eliminate crime than the galaxy's former top wanted space pirate?
Interviewer: Anybody!
Ryoko: Pishaw. So let's get down to my plan to change the face of America..
Interviewer: Let's not hope with turbolasers. So what are your plans for dealing with drugs in America?
Ryoko: This is an issue of very real concern to the American people and for that I intend to call in my expert Mihoshi as my new drug czar.
*Interviewer blinks*
Interviewer: Mihoshi?
Ryoko: We can't really get worse at this point now can we? Besides she's been known to pull off weirder things.
Interviewer: True enough. How about gang violence?
Ryoko: The best way to resolve gang violence I believe is to offer every single gang member a job in the new Ryoko space military for the furthering of our nation's wealth.
Interviewer: Your recruiting them all as pirates!
Ryoko: I prefer the term "licensed privateers". Under my leadership the destructive urges of society can put to better use.
Interviewer: Yeah probably against the Jurai royal family.
Ryoko: I have currently no comment on the decadent aristocracy of said nation-planet.
Interviewer: Okay and how about local and unorganized crime, how exactly do you intend to deal with that?
Ryoko: In the interests of furthering the peace our forefathers…
Interviewer: You've never even been to America before fanfic!
Ryoko: our forefathers struggled so hard to build I am working in tandem to have noted intelligence expert Dr. Washu to install bugs and cameras in every home in America which will be processed and thus allow prosecution within seconds.
Interviewer: Oh my…
Ryoko: Little washu is watching you.
Interviewer: Did Tenchi like have to do a book report on Orwell or something? Leave the story lying around the house?
Ryoko: Actually just the cliff notes. Pretty boring stuff. So are you clear thus far on my plan for the revitalizing of America's security?
Interviewer: Crystal. Who are you choosing as your vice president?
Ryoko: After long and careful deliberation and confirmation I have decided that my long time friend and companion Nagi will be fulfilling the position.
Interviewer: You hate her and she hates you!
Ryoko: Tsk tsk those were mere fabrications of a media run wild interviewer. Nagi understands my pain and commitment to the future of this country and I can think of none better to carry on my dream should I meet an untimely end or bag Tenchi and ditch this job, whichever comes first.
*Interviewer crumbles his questions up*
Interviewer: And if she should happen to be involved in your untimely demise?
Ryoko: That's not a normal question.
Interviewer: You're not a normal candidate!
Ryoko: I'm sure it won't come to that though if my VP nomination is listening…oh dear excuse me *coughcough* IcouldreplaceyouwithSasami *coughcough*. Ahem oh my that was a long cough, I must be having trouble with my asthma.
Interviewer: Righht. We'll ignore your bio-engineered and immune to all disease and afflictions…
Ryoko: Health care is a part of my agenda!
*Interviewer tosses questions into the fireplace…again*
Interviewer: and instead focus on a character question regarding legalities in domestic violence.
Ryoko: If a princess of a foreign nation attacks a resident of Japan for seven hundred years it is perfectly within their rights to shove them through a brick wall. Hypothetically speaking.
Interviewer: That's not the question I'm going…
Ryoko: I know I know it's going to cause an intergalactic incident but really we have to show our citizens that we care about them more than we care about cultivating ties with a imperialistic belligerent power.
Interviewer: Oh for crying out…
Ryoko: *sniff* I know what it feels like to be abused and forgotten by a parent and to suffer needlessly in a household….can a person really be blamed for what they do in a situation like that?
*Interviewer looks teary eyed and gets her a hankie before he starts to realize what she's doing*
Interviewer: Now wait a minute…
Ryoko: Thus any Supreme Court justice I support will recognize childhood trauma such as kidnapping at an early age by a super scientist or being pushed around in a flower garden is justification for fraud, grand theft, and attacking capital nations.
Interviewer: I'm beginning to notice someone in particular will be benefiting from the reforms I make.
Ryoko: I am one of the people. My needs are theirs.
Interviewer: Okay getting off the criminal aspects of this case…
Ryoko: I also want to make it known that whatever myself and intern Tenchi did in the Oval Office yesterday was completely between us and I will refuse to answer any question regarding it.
Interviewer: What the…
Ryoko: I said no questions you sick demented pervert!
Interviewer: I am not a… *fumes* okay moving on, let's talk about economics.
Ryoko: I support campaign finance reform and only contributions made in the form of small unmarked dollar bills will be acceptable currency and then only to oppressed minorities such as cyan haired women with non-homosapien ancestors for affirmative action purposes.
Interviewer: I'm not…even…dignifying that one.
Ryoko: The truth shall set you free now let's get down to getting my face on the one dollar bill.
Interviewer: What? You can't be serious.
Ryoko: Hey it's the powdered wigged bald guy's ugly mug or my beautiful face. Which would you prefer?
Interviewer: Okay point conceded.
Ryoko: I'd accept a two dollar bill because I'm worth twice as much as him though!
Interviewer: Well there you have it folks, Ryoko and her works planned for the candidacy of the United States. Vote for her at your own risk.
Ryoko: Before we go I want everyone to know when we rob the galactic bank I'll share the spoils!
Interviewer: That's bribery!
Ryoko: I'm legalizing that too.
*Interviewer sends away Ryoko*
Interviewer: Next up Sasami!
-Comments
***
Hello there folks! After our exhausting interview with Ryoko the committed Republican (hopefully to an institution)…OWW OWWW geez do you Ryoko-fans just bring weapons to all my fics beforehand?
Okay okay no Ryoko bashing….she is probably reading this anyway. Today we shall be continuing our interview for the Jurai national parties official candidate for President of the United States.
Next up on our candidate list….SASAMI!
*Interviewer summons Sasasmi*
Tsunami: Hiya!
Interviewer: What the…
Tsunami: Oh sorry, for the interview I decided to speed up the assimilation process. Hi all you lucky people you.
Interviewer: Ummm you are Sasami right?
Tsunami: Who else would I be?
Interviewer: I dunno I sort of imagined the process akin to a Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Lovecraftian demonic possession where a subject such a young innocent girl is ejected to make room for the malevolent godlike entity.
*Tsunami stares*
Interviewer: I'm way off on this aren't I?
Tsunami: Uh, yeah.
Interviewer: Ummm nice hair.
Tsunami: Uh thanks.
Interviewer: So getting onto the whole President of the United States deal, you'd be the first women President of our country.
Tsunami: Oh I would? Was their something wrong before?
Interviewer: Well women couldn't even vote til this century.
Tsunami: How awful! I'll change that the moment I'm in office.
Interviewer: Well your actually a bit…
Tsunami: I think that's just wrong that women haven't had a president and I'll be the best president they've ever had…which I suppose shouldn't be hard.
*Interviewer blinks and shrugs*
Interviewer: Yeah your Sasami all right…or Mihoshi. So what's your agenda for the United States once you become President?
Tsunami: Well I suppose it would be to make people's lives better you know.
Interviewer: That's nice. How would you go about that?
Tsunami: Well I'd listen to peoples problems and fix them and stuff. I am a princess and all and that's what my father does. Plus I have the power and knowledge of a goddess now so that means I'd be really good at stuff like finance and agriculture.
Interviewer: Those are definite pluses.
Tsunami: Oh and I'd make sure every family has a cabbit.
Interviewer: Well there is the question of the carrot shortage that would cause and the fact cabbits become terrifyingly powerful battle ships.
Tsunami: I'd address those as president.
Interviewer: So who are you choosing to fill the seat at your side come the White House?
Tsunami: Umm do we mean who I want to marry or who I want as my vice president or who I want for you know…
Interviewer: You know?
*Interviewer blinks as he realizes*
Tsunami: S…E…X.
*Interviewer flushes*
Interviewer: Umm your too young to think about that.
Tsunami: But I'm old enough to be a candidate for President?
Interviewer: Yes it's one of your main selling points. I mean as your V.P.
Tsunami: Oh then I guess Ryo-Oki.
Interviewer: Your replacement would be a cabbit who can only think about carrots?
Tsunami: Yes she'd really do a good job if he had the right advisors.
Interviewer: That's what we said about Dubya.
Tsunami: Hmmm?
Interviewer: Nothing. The previous three candidates have all quoted you as a vice-president nomination. Have you any reason to explain your appeal?
Tsunami: I make the food and you can eat it as opposed to Ryoko's and Noboyuki's?
Interviewer: Errr good answer.
Tsunami: I would make sure every man and woman growing up gets a good education in food. It's just not right some people don't know how to take care of stuff like that and a house.
Interviewer: Oddly I'm leaning toward voting for you myself now.
Tsunami: Why thank you.
Interviewer: Now were going to focus on some issues. What exactly would you do if one of the Supreme Court died and your support would put them through. One of the candidates is highly conservative with a history of just decisions and rulings but a definite agenda to moving the country toward a return of religeous and state unity…
Tsunami: Oh you don't have that on Earth?
Interviewer: Uh well not everywhere. It's not really worked in a lot of places…
Tsunami: That's sad, it's fine on Jurai.
Interviewer: Oh really?
Tsunami: *the goddess stares at the Interviewer*
Interviewer: Oh yeah right. The other candidate is a much more moderate candidate but he's strongly for *writes down a list of liberal issues and hands them to Tsunami-Sasami*
The following policies and would support them as legal if court cases come.
Tsunami: Gosh this is a lot.
Interviewer: I wanted to cover all the bases.
Tsunami: Well I support this and that but I don't support that.
Interviewer: Unfortunate I know. Which would you choose as your candidate?
Tsunami: Well the religious guy sounds good but it's unpopular I shouldn't. I guess I'd suggest a third candidate. Oh I know, Yosho!
Interviewer: pardon?
Tsunami: He'd have all the good issues plus handle the state thing.
*Interviewer shrugs and nods*
Tsunami: Plus if anyone did anything bad with his rulings he'd cut em down with a laser sword.
*Tsunami-Sasami twirls her hair happily*
Interviewer: Well that was the most nonoffensive response any fan of the show could get with strong political beliefs.
Tsunami: I do my best.
Interviewer: So do you have anything else to say to the people of the United States and elsewhere?
Tsunami: Well I know it will take about a thousand to ten thousand years for this to reach planet Jurai but I just want to say Hi momma! Hi papa!
*Interviewer watches her wave*
Interviewer: Well there you have it folks! Next up on our list will be the immortal Washu!
-Comments?
***
Ah there's nothing like a fresh interview to get one's day started and today we have a very special party guest today with scientist, mother, ex-POW and now politician Washu!
*Interviewer summons Washu and hopes he isn't teleported into her lab again*
Washu: Howdy folks.
Interviewer: I see your wearing your adult body for this interviewer.
Washu: My statistical analysis indicates voters respond more positively to a form that's past puberty.
Interviewer: So I understand. So Big Wa…
*Washu turns Interviewer into a cabbit with a remote then back*
Interviewer: GAHHHH!
Washu: Don't call me Big Washu.
Interviewer: Ahhhhh what the….carrots…ahhhh….
Washu: You aren't acting very professional in this interview. What would Walter Cronkite say?
Interviewer: Walter Cronkite was never turned into another lifeform by a subject?
Washu: Oh shush and get on with the interview.
Interviewer: So what….carrots….*shakes his head rapidly* is your platform?
Washu: I'm glad you asked that boy. *Washu gives the interviewer a carrot, which he greedily munches on* I intend to do nothing but health care and education.
Interviewer: Mmmmmm. *shakes his head again* Why did I have a feeling those would be your issues?
Washu: Mainly because the tagging for genetic research of everyone in the world is for some reason an unpopular issue *pats her interviewer*
Interviewer: Rowr…LISTEN HOW LONG TIL THIS WEARS OFF?
Washu: Oh don't worry, the psychic trauma only lasts an hour or two or a lifetime. Depends. Basically I think the Earth's problems can all be solved if everyone becomes a scientific genius like me though truth be told I don't think you'll ever be able to do it. In twenty thousand years a few might just come close!
Interviewer: Hence the health care. I see. So how exactly would you pay for these massive undertakings?
Washu: Well given I own five planets of scientific equipment I don't really need to spend too much of the United States's budget but just replicate the stuff all the kids of America needs. Shouldn't take more than an hour.
Interviewer: Uh huh.
Washu: I'll consider the reimbursement of America the culling of the best scientific minds as lab assistants for the rest of their natural lives. Maybe they're descendants too.
Interviewer: Esssh.
Washu: Don't cry for them they'll get everything they want and with a few eggs and some mass we'll just replicate for them wives too if they get lonely! It worked for Ryoko!
Interviewer: That's…..
Washu: Ingenious?
Interviewer: Debatable. What about if the United States is attacked by a foreign power?
Washu: I will release my genetically engineered horde of rapid cabbits to tear their civilization back to base components…then offer to rebuild it for allegiance!
Interviewer: Ummm you're part of the Reform Party aren't you?
Washu: Card-carrying member. How'd you know?
Interviewer: Just a guess.
Washu: I shouldn't say in an interviewer but any foreign power gets prissy I'll just take em down to the lab, clone them or splice some better brain tissue into them and thus bring about world peace.
Interviewer: *eyes widen* I think that may be illegal.
Washu: Not after I've replaced the Supreme Court and Congress!
Interviewer: You've thought this out rather thoroughly haven't you?
Washu: I've had it in my mind ever since I came to the Earth.
Interviewer: More info than I wanted to know Not-so-little Washu. So who would be your running mate?
Washu: You mean my V.P. and not my little guinea pig right?
Interviewer: Yeah…
Washu: Goody I would have as my running mate…WASHU!
Interviewer: Pardon?
Washu: If by some bizarre circumstance I were to be killed I would just activate one of my many clones for such a case. I don't ever intend to be replaced as president once I'm in office you know.
Interviewer: So you'll just rule us forever.
Washu: Oh yes. I'll get elected by telling the American People who shot Kennedy too.
Interviewer: Who?
*Washu whispers in the interviewers ear*
Interviewer: Get out!
Washu: It's true! I went back in time to confirm it.
Interviewer: Well I'll be. So any plans you have as President for stimulating the economy?
Washu: I intend to eliminate taxes.
Interviewer: Umm Washu even if you do have five planets I doubt that will help the economy.
Washu: Well I don't ACTUALLY intend to do it. It's one of those campaign lie things my computer says I have to do to be well liked.
Interviewer: pardon?
Washu: Well everyone expects politicians to lie and wants them to not so I will and I won't.
Interviewer: Huh?
Washu: Exactly.
Interviewer: *shakes away weird urge to vote for her* So any further plans you'd like to share with us regarding your campaign and subsequent works for the United States of America?
Washu: If you don't install a scientific mastermind in charge of your planet to fix the world, terrible ancient sea-creatures that have been sleeping dormant beneath the earth's crust will awaken and destroy you all.
Interviewer: Is that true?
Washu: As far as you know. Cthulhu ho!
Interviewer: Seven thousand years imprisoned and among the things you read when your out is Lovecraft?
Washu: I went to the science academy with him. Top of his class after me and that's only because he couldn't swallow my cute crab hair.
Interviewer: Okay I think this is straying off topic.
Washu: I'm not exactly sure we have one.
Interviewer: Okay final question then, once you've presumably accomplished your goals as President of the United States…ruling forever with an army of cloned slaves at your beck and call….
Washu: Not to mention an army of super geniuses for galactic domination! Oooo cookies.
*Washu grabs one and crunches*
Interviewer: Yeah Tsunami made them before she left. What would you like people to remember your legacy as?
Washu: I just want people to be able to look at my statue in New York Harbor….
Interviewer: ohgreatshe'sreplacingthestatueoflibertywithherfacenow.
Washu: And know that I stood for something greater than myself…..
Interviewer: And what's that?
Washu: Making myself better!
*Interviewer dismisses Washu with a wave*
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