The Melancholy Of Haruhi Suzumiya Fan Fiction ❯ Walking Away ❯ Koizumi Chapter ( Chapter 2 )

Walking Away

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Koizumi Chapter: Questions that can't be answered

 

 

 

 

 

Koizumi knows that it is usually better to keep your mouth closed when it comes to intricate plans, but also knows that the opposite can be just as much part of the plan as anything else.

 

"... you know the situation as well as I do. You might even know it better than I do."

 

"I still think you're an idiot." A pause. A deep breath. Exhaled smoke. "An idiot." (Just to make the point clear.)

 

Koizumi leans his head back against the Student Council President's shoulder, letting the scent of tobacco tickle the back of his throat. He won't go to the SOS-dan clubroom tonight, he decides. Cigarette smoke did seem to have a habit of sticking to one's clothes, and Koizumi sometimes finds himself surprised he doesn't carry it around more often, though he also knows he might be too used to it to notice. Nonetheless, nobody ever asks him.

 

"Come now, I'd like to think I was slightly better than that."

 

"Moron, then."

 

"I wonder..."

 

"Retard?"

 

"I don't believe that's politically correct."

 

"Well, whatever. You can get off me, now. You're heavy."

 

"Maybe I don't feel like it."

 

"Maybe whatever. Get off." He pushes, but Koizumi lets himself be pushed. He picks himself neatly up from the floor, pulling up his trousers and doing up the buttons on his shirt. He looks over to see the Student Council President doing more or less the same. Adjusting his tie. Pausing every now and then to inhale deeply from his cigarette. Absent-mindedly dropping ash on the polished floor. Eventually he seems to notice this and takes aim at the fallen remnants with the heel of his shoe, then going back to the main desk where his ashtray lies. "... it's really that bad?"

 

Picking up from where their conversation had left off. Many things happen in the Student Council meeting-room when nobody else is around, but business always comes first; there's no time for post-coital bliss here. Koizumi smiles and rocks on his heels, "I believe so. Not so bad that we don't have time to make preparations, but... bad enough that we have to make preparations to begin with."

 

"And you really think this is the best way?"

 

"It's a way."

 

"... Your shirt's untucked at the back."

 

"Oh? Ah, thank you." Koizumi rectified himself. "I just think it's about time certain loyalties were made clear."

 

"And that's your idea of 'clear', is it?"

 

Running his hands over the front of his blazer to smoothen it down, Koizumi straightened his tie once more, just to be sure. "A little persuasion never hurt anybody."

 

This caused a humourless laugh, as the Student Council President made to put his cigarette out. "A little persuasion...?! In that case, I wouldn't like to see you get serious about anything..."

 

Another smile, bright enough to touch the line crossing over into 'patronising'. "Be glad you'll never get the chance."

 

"Cocky, aren't you...!" He lit another cigarette. "How cold."

 

"I think I can afford to be, at this point."

 

"Yeah, well... whatever you want to do. Be it on your own head. If you're going to be running around at the behest of stupid plans, don't expect me to bail you out when it all goes wrong. I'll watch, but I won't be helping."

 

"Just as I'd expect." Koizumi put his hand to the doorframe, "Well, then. I'll be off, for today."

 

"Running back off to your little Brigade...?"

 

"I think it's a bit late for that... maybe tomorrow. Or maybe I'll come back here? I don't know. What do you think?"

 

A shrug. "Whatever you feel like."

 

"Indeed."

 

The school corridors are empty by the time Koizumi finds himself walking down them, and he feels the freedom to set a more serious expression to his face as he walks. It rained during the course of the school day, and as he walks past open windows, he slows and lets himself inhale the cold, fresh air. Some part of his brain tricks him into almost missing the atmosphere of the Student Council's meeting-room in comparison; he smiles at that, and continues to walk. Nasty habit.

 

He might go there tomorrow, or he might go to the SOS-dan clubroom. He might go straight home. All of these options are free for him to pick, after all. He is perhaps due a visit to the clubroom, however; he knows that Kyon has been making his visits a little more scarce of recent, and knows that entirely his own fault. The less Kyon goes and the less he himself goes, the less likely either of them are of meeting up on the offchance. To behave like that is to behave like something is wrong, and Koizumi knows that that can't happen.

 

The Student Council President, Koizumi knows, probably thinks himself his current closest ally. Antagonistic, but still allied to his faction. In a way, that's true. The latter part of that thought contains no lie. At the same time, for him to consider himself close, even so far as to consider himself the closest... that was perhaps overstating his position. Nonetheless, Koizumi didn't expect anything less from him - that kind of behaviour was just like him. And he was free to think that, as much as he liked. Thinking himself close allowed him some manner of comfort in the situation, let him think himself somewhat 'above' the others. Whichever others he felt the need to feel himself above in the first place. That was fine. He could think what he liked.

 

Their relationship is part convenience, part boredom, part whatever. It isn't particularly tender, but Koizumi never expected it to be. If he wanted that, he wouldn't have gone to the Student Council President to begin with. And sometimes he likes to tease and taunt because he thinks it might ruffle Koizumi's feathers, "I'm not who you want, am I?"... Koizumi can't bring himself to care. Saying something like that was only stating a fact, after all.

 

It all began with a command from above. As far as Suzumiya Haruhi's outward behaviour went, Koizumi couldn't say he'd noticed anything untoward. At the same time, his phone seemed to fill up with missed calls and abbreviated messages - it wasn't precisely a surge as per se, but reports seemed to indicate this period a kind of calm before the storm. What storm that would be, nobody could tell; it just seemed best to try to prevent it before anybody had the chance to find out. This was however difficult with no particular indication from Haruhi herself, and the longer this went on the more Koizumi found himself doubting those reports. He had become accustomed to Haruhi's behaviour over time, enough to know that she never tried to hide whatever joy or displeasure she happened to carry. Koizumi looked to the reports to amend his personal conclusions, not so that they could make them for him. When it came to Suzumiya Haruhi, he knew any faction capable of being biased; just because he happened to be attached to the Organisation didn't make this any less likely.

 

Koizumi didn't mind them wanting to keep an eye on Haruhi; all factions seemed similar in this regard. Instead, it was the growing trend of attention cast towards Kyon that made him wary. Keeping an eye on him was one thing, but reports and orders seemed to grow more demanding as time went on. Then came that one order, with only one line. One command. Koizumi remembered staring at the piece of paper in his bed that night, having no idea how to go about doing such a thing; he'd been told to confirm Kyon's loyalties, but given no specifics.

 

Koizumi has his concerns, but never voices them. It doesn't help when other people voice them for him. The Student Council President smiled as he confirmed Koizumi's fears, "They'll want him soon, you know. Your alien girl's already tried to have him killed already, hasn't she?"

 

"Actually, that wasn't--"

 

"He's just as important as Suzumiya is, and nobody knows why. People are going to be looking for answers soon, Koizumi. You might want to switch your attentions to somebody not quite so... desired." A smirk. "If they take him away from you, you're probably not going to be getting him back."

 

The irritation of useless feelings burns in his chest like a flame he can't extinguish; as much as he doesn't like to admit it, the Student Council President has a point. He'd always known any particular feeling towards Kyon useless through virtue of him being 'the one chosen by Suzumiya Haruhi', that was the bottom line, but even so - there were a lot more lines to get through before you reached the bottom, after all. Kyon was an ordinary human being, but one who seemed capable of, through one way or another, calming and subtly influencing Suzumiya Haruhi. Any faction could see that this was a powerful tool, and it looked like the orders from the Organisation were beginning to reflect this.

 

Koizumi knows where his own loyalties lie, at least; before the Organisation comes the SOS-dan, and before the SOS-dan itself comes Kyon. He won't admit this to anybody, simply because nobody else needs to know. If they ended up in a situation in which such a thing came to the fore, then that couldn't be helped. Until then, Koizumi was quite fine with reflecting particular beliefs back towards whoever he happened to be talking to at the time - not least due to the fact that if anybody from the Organisation were to seriously believe his loyalties were to lie anywhere other than with them and them alone, he would find himself replaced and replaced quickly. He finds himself considering that more and more often these days, often finding himself quite morose at how easy a change that would be to implement. A little of this and a little of that and Haruhi might never be aware the SOS-dan had a member named Koizumi Itsuki to begin with. And then what? Well, nothing. She wouldn't be his concern anymore.

 

Koizumi had mentioned before, merely as a possibility, the theory that Asahina Mikuru was sent from the future in order to 'seduce' Kyon; perhaps not literally (or just not yet), but she was the kind of person he seemed to have a weakness for. If her faction wished to take advantage of Kyon's position in the overall scheme of things, Koizumi had to admit they'd selected a very versatile playing-piece in which to use. Even the Integrated Data Sentient Entity's own representative seemed to have her own moments, though Koizumi felt that she was in the same situation as he himself was; if it came to a choice between the Integrated Data Sentient Entity and the SOS-dan, he had a sneaking suspicion she might choose the latter. This soothed him somewhat, but only somewhat; Asahina Mikuru was still a very unknown factor, but Koizumi knew he couldn't do anything about that. Knew it wasn't his place to do anything about that. As far as his orders went, she was just another being from another faction observing Suzumiya Haruhi. Their interests ran alongside one another, but wouldn't clash unless she became particularly volatile. This had not yet happened. Koizumi hoped that it wouldn't.

 

He knew that he had to be careful with his confession towards Kyon; even in that situation, he had to word it in such a way that gave nothing away. His own feelings were secondary in a situation in which he wished to keep Kyon close by, more for Kyon's own sake than anything like his own. The part of him that still burnt with useless personal feelings hated that he was putting such a plan in motion, but rational thought told him he probably wouldn't have another chance anyway. There was no room in this situation for the normal love confession of normal students; on so many levels, the two of them were anything but. He couldn't help a bitter smile to think of how he'd warned Kyon against the possible seduction from Asahina, only to undertake practically the same tactic himself. Would Kyon notice any underhand motives here? No, of course not. He was too trusting for that. Koizumi loved and hated that both at once. As he'd stood in front of Kyon and stated his piece he'd felt guilty for the hint of manipulation taking place, but knew he'd rather be him with orders from the Organisation as his excuse than any of the others.

 

Again, this had earnt a smirking comment from the Student Council President. "You really think he'll go for it?"

 

"No, of course he won't. However, ideally, this would spur his thoughts on considering who his feelings really lie with. That, in turn, should provoke his own personal realisation towards Suzumiya Haruhi; his loyalties would be confirmed, and with any luck, perhaps I might stop receiving such obtuse orders from those in command...if this chain reaction can cancel Suzumiya-san's storm warning, then I would be content with that."

 

"And it's not enough just to ask him 'hey, how about dating Suzumiya', is it?"

 

"I don't think that would work. That may stir his thoughts for an evening or perhaps two, but I think we would also find them quickly dismissed. However, if he is the target of someone's own earnest feelings..."

 

"You're so earnest it kills me."

 

"... in any case. I think this the best course of action."

 

"Well, I think it's a stupid plan and you're an idiot for thinking it up, but whatever. Do what you like. Oh, and Koizumi?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"I don't believe you, you know. Why you're doing this. Don't think it's not completely obvious, because it is. I know it, and I know you know it too."

 

Koizumi wondered if that was the only and closest time the Student Council President had got towards showing any kind of actual concern towards him and his own, actual feelings. However, if it was, then that was his own business. Koizumi ignored it, "You don't need to believe me. You don't strictly need to know this, even. I only told you because I thought you might be interested."

 

"Right."

 

Again, Koizumi had a feeling he wasn't believed on that point, either. He didn't care. That wasn't his problem.

 

And so he'd told Kyon he wished to be in a relationship with him, because (on several levels) that was true, and also innocuous enough in comparison to some of the things he could have said as a confession. He smiled after he spoke. He stared straight at Kyon and watched as, without saying a single thing, he left the room. Koizumi waited until it seemed certain that Kyon wouldn't be returning, then made himself a cup of tea. He drank it slowly while looking out of the unmoving landscape outside of the clubroom window; he hadn't really expected any other kind of reaction (or at least, if he had, that was the least traumatic for either of them). The part of him which burnt flared to pain through disappointment, but that was only one section of his feelings and only one level of things he had to consider. Perhaps, after all, the original justification for the 'plan' would come to fruition, and then at least he could issue a formal I told you so to the Student Council.

 

After that, Kyon seemed to catch him alone only to reiterate his previous point; that too had hurt to some degree, but it was in no way unexpected.

 

Suzumiya Haruhi's mood had not yet worsened.

 

Kyon caught him after school and kissed him. Koizumi didn't understand that, and didn't dare to hope that anything more could or would happen - because it wouldn't, surely? Kyon explained that kiss away under the reason of apology. Koizumi wasn't sure he believed that, but accepted it at face value. Treasured that brief memory of feeling hopelessly caught at the forefront of his desire, allowing that selfish want to be, in that moment, his most important command. It was a kiss both nervous and unsure and Koizumi didn't want to come across as too experienced in comparison, through fear that such a thing might intimidate Kyon. He held himself back and let Kyon do what he wished and knew, even as it was happening, that he would store that memory deep where nobody could touch or sully it. It was a kiss that was unknowingly cruel through how it made him yearn, but endearingly innocent to consider Kyon's own motivations. Perhaps this was his (somewhat confused) idea of an apology, after all.

 

It went further than that, which was something Koizumi had never reasonably expected. Perhaps Kyon was at the stage of life at which he was 'curious'. Perhaps he thought acting on those thoughts was the best way to work them out. Whatever the case was, Koizumi wasn't going to argue against a good opportunity when one arose. And yet, for all of that, it still felt somehow... empty. If he only wanted meaningless sex, then he just had to go to the Student Council meeting-room for that. At the same time, he didn't know how much he could reasonably confide to Kyon, either. Between the forced secrecy of his own feelings and the possible threat of manipulation through the Organisation, Koizumi didn't know what to do; this hadn't gone specifically as planned, but secretly, he couldn't exactly be unhappy about that. It perhaps wasn't as romantic a relationship as it could be, but everything had to start somewhere. If he had that dissatisfaction, it was only a fairly luxurious kind of unhappiness. When else would he have had the chance to feel dissatisfied over such particular circumstances? He would hold Kyon close and cherish that warmth (and that heat) in the absence of anything more affectionate.

 

And then, even then, Kyon still asks uncomfortable questions. The one Koizumi hates most is "What do you want?"

 

So many answers to that, but none that he feels he could freely admit. And Kyon really seems to want to know, only causing Koizumi to curse the situation that forces his silence so.

 

"What do you want, Koizumi?"

 

He thinks about this after Kyon has fucked him, as he lies on Kyon's bed and Kyon's gone back to his homework with a palpable air of I don't know what to do with you so I'll just leave you there. Koizumi thinks about that question and watches Kyon's back, hunched over in front of his desk as he scribbles away at his latest answer. He lies there and he thinks, and he turns away, and he thinks. What does he want? This, maybe. Months ago, he'd have been happy for this. This, but not like this. This, but more. This was the prologue, but they seemed to be making no progress within the personal narrative of a 'couple'. Koizumi didn't know how to achieve that, and felt deeply irritated that they'd come this far for him still to have that kind of obstacle. Physical relationships were one thing, but the emotional... that was something else entirely, and Koizumi supposed that his dealings with the Student Council President had done nothing to aid him in this respect.

 

Kyon asks him what he wants, and Koizumi knows. He also knows that he could never say such things out loud, not in the current climate. Not with Suzumiya Haruhi as she is. Not with the Organisation as it is. Not with all those other factions as they currently are.

 

Koizumi gives his parting words, knowing he won't get much in response. He'll see Kyon at school tomorrow? Of course. Of course he will. They'll meet at the clubroom and school will be school and Haruhi will be Haruhi and everything will be as it always was, but slightly different, for this. He walks away from Kyon's house, travelling a little distance before he allows himself to turn back. He stands in the middle of the path and simply stares at Kyon's house as several full minutes pass.

 

What he wants, he supposes, is the opportunity to visit without feeling any obligation - not towards the Organisation, not to himself, not to Kyon. He wants such things to happen because it feels natural for them to, not because it seems like the easiest form of communication; words can be confusing but a warm body, less so. He wants to lie on Kyon's bed without that awkward silence between them. He wants to be able to visit without feeling, the moment he steps through the front doorway, that he'll have to leave before the night is through.

 

He wants a reality in which their relationship is no threat to Suzumiya Haruhi and she in turn no threat to them, but Koizumi knows that that is impossible. There may be a time in the future when all of this is over, but that isn't and can't be just yet and he knows it.

 

Kyon asks him what he wants, and Koizumi always dodges the question simply because he knows that Kyon can't grant him any of these things, and so they're not worth even saying. Such things rely on too many factors, and their relationship - for what it's worth - is already the biggest anomaly of them all. Perhaps this in itself is a betrayal towards the Organisation - or perhaps, Koizumi thinks with a tight feeling in his chest, it is only the first step in their attempts to ensure that Kyon is loyal to them and not the other factions, in which even his own private feelings would be so manipulated. There had to be some reason or another why he was chosen for this mission above anybody else, after all. He doesn't like that thought, but doesn't think he can escape it, either.

 

Kyon asks him what he wants, and he never replies. This does not seem to put Kyon off asking, and though he feels he can't reply, Koizumi treasures that nonetheless.

 

What Koizumi really wants is the opportunity to be able to answer Kyon honestly someday. He doesn't know under what circumstances such a situation could fall, but this doesn't stop him from hoping.

 

He turns around, shoving his hands in his pockets as he continues to walk away.

 

Not yet.

 

 

 

 

 

Koizumi Chapter

end

31st August 2009