Tokyo Babylon Fan Fiction / X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ A Matter of Honour ❯ Chapter 1 ( Chapter 1 )

Summary: What if Subaru gets what he wants following Tokyo Babylon - Seishirou. So why is he still so unhappy?

Xandra presents A Matter of Honour, in answer to the CFFML Change in the Tapestry fanfic challenge.

Disclaimer: Congratulations to Clamp for coming up with such wonderful characters. All rights belong to Clamp. I'm just borrowing them to play with in this AU for a while. This is a fanfiction written for fun, no profit is being made.

Rating: NC-17 - for yaoi lemon. This means there are scenes of two men having sex with each other. Anyone who may be offended by the sexual content in this story, please avert your eyes and return to your previous page.

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Chapter 1

Sumeragi Subaru paused before a large brown door. His hand fell away from the handle, as he took a moment to gather what little courage he had before going in, for he knew he would find a confrontation behind the entrance. Subaru sighed, he should be used to this by now, yet he was still disturbed. Quietly he entered, calling a soft 'I'm home' into the house. The silence hung as fragile as an armistice, waiting to be broken by the first salvo from a trigger-happy soldier. He toed off his shoes, walked into the living room, and stood, mutely waiting for a response.

It was not long in coming. Sakurazuka Seishirou was sitting on an armchair, calmly smoking a cigarette. A quick glance at the ashtray by him showed it wasn't his first. "You're back," Seishirou nodded slightly, acknowledging his presence. He inhaled yet another lungful of smoke and blew it out. A pregnant pause dragged out for a while before he continued, "I suppose you didn't think I would be concerned?"

Subaru stood there, feeling guilty. With that one sentence, Seishirou demolished any hope Subaru had of clinging to any shred of dignity. Crossing over to the armchair, Subaru knelt by Seishirou's knees, and leaned his cheek against a lap in apology. It wasn't that the Sumeragi expected this supplicant position to make any difference, but old habits were hard to break and Subaru had, if nothing else, a tenacity to cling to what was familiar. "I'm sorry, the events of last night rather overwhelmed me," he said softly.

Seishirou reached over to the ashtray and carefully stubbed his cigarette out. A gentle hand began to stroke at Subaru's hair, pushing stray strands from his brow. "So you stayed the night by your Kamui-- I can smell his scent on you." Seishirou said dryly.

Subaru supposed Seishirou probably could smell Kamui, since the boy had been bleeding copiously prior to Subaru spending the night beside him. Seishirou's sensitivity to blood was characteristic of the predator in him. Unlike normal people, the scent of blood made him interested. Seishirou's voice was perfectly emotionless, neither hurt nor condemning, but Subaru knew better. His lover was not happy with him. Subaru shifted uncomfortably, trying to think of a way to explain without bringing up the subject he was most certain Seishirou did not want to hear. "He went Within, and I had to perform a spell to bring him back. The backlash was a little stronger than I had expected," he said.

Seishirou leaned forward to lightly kiss Subaru's forehead. "You're always so very kind, Subaru-kun," he said, repeating the oft spoken refrain.

A tiny tingle crept up Subaru's back at the gentle caress. After all these years together, he was amazed that Seishirou could read him like an open book in some matters, while remaining oblivious in others. Or perhaps not oblivious, merely purposefully ignorant. Subaru flushed a little, not wishing to reveal the fact that he had spent the night being held in Kamui's arms, and waking up rather liking it. The other Seals had explained that they left him there because Kamui seemed to take comfort in holding him. They said the poor boy had needed someone to embrace, especially after losing his two dearest people. They were so apologetic, Subaru almost laughed at them. He didn't because they wouldn't understand that Subaru had liked it, and so was now guiltstricken over it. It had made a big difference waking up this morning in the arms of someone who was not going to hurt him.

Seishirou's finger tilted Subaru's chin up so their eyes met. He regarded the guilty tinge on Subaru's cheeks lazily. The younger man hadn't blushed like this in a long time. "You did more than perform a spell to bring him back," he stated. "You told him about us."

Subaru shrugged. Seishirou was completely aware of everything concerning him. Nothing unusual in that. The years had evidently not blunted his habit of keeping tabs on Subaru whenever he worked his magic. "I did. He knows about Hokuto-chan and that you killed her. He thinks I love you, despite it," Subaru said.

An amused laugh reverberated from deep within Seishirou. "How ironic," he commented bitterly. Subaru's answering silence spoke volumes. The two remained poised in their respective positions, regarding each other. Subaru's eyes fell away to study the geometric pattern on the wooden floor.

It was Seishirou who broke first. "I met the Kamui of the Dragons of Earth this afternoon," he said matter-of-factly.

So, events were progressing more rapidly than Subaru had ever expected. The Foreordained day was at hand. Subaru's curiosity prompted him to ask, "What is he like?"

Seishirou reclined back into his chair, a faraway look on his face. "Cold. And hot. Control and passion," Seishirou said tersely as he contemplated Fuuma. "He's interesting," he concluded. Seishirou turned towards Subaru, a gleam in his eyes as he studied the younger onmyouji's reaction. "Are you jealous?"

A sudden flare of pain ignited in Subaru's chest. His first response would have been of denial, but Seishirou's eye demanded more from him. Heaving an inward sigh, he replied, "The truth? Yes, a little."

Seishirou laughed a pleased chuckle. "I'm glad. But I think I shall be meeting him quite often," he said provocatively.

"Suit yourself. You always do anyway," Subaru shrugged in reply.

"Yes," Seishirou said, "So, do you plan to see your Kamui more often?"

"Perhaps. Do you want me not to?"

"What if I were to say yes?" Seishirou actually sounded interested.

"I won't make any promises." Subaru braced himself for an explosion, but the reaction he received made him wish he got it.

Seishirou let out another amused chuckle. "You've always kept your promises. That's all you have now, right?"

"I made a promise to you and I'll keep it. I shall not be unfaithful to you," Subaru said, trying to keep the regret from flooding his voice.

"You've always been such a gentle, honourable person," Seishirou said cuttingly, reaching out to play with Subaru's hair again. "I wonder what Hokuto-chan will think of you now?"

Subaru gasped, his hurt surfacing again. Seishirou didn't play fair. He knew Subaru had always taken Hokuto's lead. Any reference to her always left him feeling bereft of her presence. Then there was the guilt, the heavy burden which Subaru bore every day over his situation; that he was sleeping with the enemy. However, Subaru wasn't up to fighting over such old issues today, and didn't rise to the bait. It was only fair. He knew he was doing something that displeased Seishirou and he shouldn't complain when Seishirou repaid him back.

Seishirou leaned forward and murmured into his ear. "So you want to be by your Kamui's side? Nothing you can say will help him. The two 'Kamui' are in far sadder situation than the both of us," Seishirou taunted, his hand sliding down to play idly at the hair behind Subaru's neck.

Subaru continued to stare steadily at the floor, as if trying to see the answer to the secrets of the universe in the grain of the wood panel. Seishirou was right. What did he know about solving people's problems? How could he help Kamui do the right thing? He could barely help himself. All the choices he had ever chosen in his life had been the wrong ones. His track record wasn't good and he was now bound by his choices, no matter how much he longed for the past to have been different. He fervently hoped Kamui's choices would give him a better future than his own.

Still, that was a prayer for the future. Subaru was brought abruptly back to the present when Seishirou stood up, pulling him along with him. He staggered slightly when the dark onmyouji pressed a hot wet kiss on his lips. A hand pressed insistently at his chin. Obediently Subaru closed his eyes and parted his mouth to accept Seishirou, once again surrendering to the fire that burned so brightly within the older man.

"You want this," Seishirou said a little triumphantly when they broke apart. He eyed the softly panting Dragon of Heaven, and his hand crept down to tease at his arousal through his clothes.

Subaru supposed it was all a matter of ingrained responses. His body reacted just as it ought to Seishirou, having been trained to enjoy all that Seishirou made him feel. There was something to be said for having Seishirou as a lover, the man was very good at what he did. Eight years together had not dimmed his ardor for Subaru. He wriggled a little. A morbid curiosity came over Subaru, prompting him to ask, "Why do you still want this?"

Seishirou's single golden gaze pinned Subaru in place. "Because you're still beautiful, and I like beautiful things. Besides you're mine," he replied with a smile that held the edge of hard steel. At that, Seishirou bent down and nuzzled along the back of his ear, before pressing sharp teeth into the flesh of an ear lobe.

Subaru uttered a harsh gasp at the slight pain. If he had been a swearing man, Subaru would have sworn. Seishirou knew he was particularly sensitive there. A hand slid down his back, warm and caressing, holding him tightly against his partner's body. He allowed Seishirou to do what he willed, tilting his head back to offer his neck to his lover's caress. This was yet another display of Subaru's submission, that sex was yet another means for Seishirou to enjoy his possession of him.

It usually came down to this. If Subaru wasn't feeling hurt or guilty, he was being pleasured. Seishirou was a demanding lover, and in all their years together, Subaru had learned enough to anticipate him. Sometimes he wanted an innocent, almost virginal partner and Subaru had to role-play it for him. Other times, Seishirou wanted him aggressive, though these days, that desire didn't surface much. Subaru was glad for that. He couldn't summon enough energy to be very aggressive lately. It probably had something to do with his gradually changing feelings. Tonight, it seemed Seishirou would be content with a submissive Subaru.

Subaru let himself be tugged into their bedroom. There, Seishirou stood back, and waited. Subaru understood the silent order. Slowly, he began unbuttoning the collar of his shirt, baring his chest to Seishirou's gaze. He didn't remove it, instead letting it hang open, as his hands lowered to his waist to remove his belt, then his pants. Those items were swiftly discarded to a corner. Stepping forward, he turned his attentions to Seishirou's clothes. They soon joined the pile on the floor. Subaru looked up at Seishirou, his mouth half parted in invitation.

Seishirou was swift in accepting the offer. The kiss was hungry, as if by claiming Subaru, he was able to lay all the niggling doubts he had to rest. Seishirou's tongue probed at him forcefully, demanding a response from Subaru that only he could give. And Subaru gave it; for this was something he could do, now as his options for what he could give Seishirou grew narrower and narrower.

Heat began to envelop Subaru. Seishirou always tasted like this, of warm sweet liquor, intoxicating even in small amounts. It made Subaru lose control, to forget everything but the act, even if all that was engaged was his body, and his mind took a vacation elsewhere.

A pleased chuckle sounded from Seishirou. It made Subaru frown. He was unhappy to be an object of amusement. "Stop that," he snapped.

"You look so untouchable all the time, and only I know just how easily you become aroused," Seishirou murmured, lifting a slim wrist up to press a little feathery kiss against Subaru's pulse.

Subaru pliantly allowed Seishirou to progress kissing along his wrist, up the back of his hand. He couldn't prevent himself from involuntarily biting his lip when a surge of familiar magic triggered Seishirou's marks to appear. The inverted pentagram would always brand him as Seishirou's, and the amused way Seishirou was studying them, showed how much he enjoyed reminding Subaru of that fact.

Yes, this was right, Subaru firmly told himself. His place was by Seishirou's side. He had so chosen, and for better or worse, he would hold to this promise. Subaru quickly followed Seishirou onto the bed, sliding in beside him. Briefly, he indulged in a hug, placing all his fantasy for a normal healthy relationship into it. It was quickly shattered when Seishirou pushed him hard on his back, holding wrists tightly down. Subaru knew he was likely to see a ring of bruises tomorrow.

Seishirou's eye followed the momentary flicker in Subaru's gaze towards the bedposts and grinned at him, knowing full well what the smaller man was thinking. Subaru shook his head, saying, "No, Seishirou-san."

Seishirou studied him seriously. "And why should I care what you want or not?"

Seishirou had often tied him up, and he had always let him. So why did Subaru feel the need to press the point today? "No, you don't need to care. But I'm not going to leave you anyway," he said calmly, accepting whatever Seishirou wanted.

The words appeared to have an effect on Seishirou, for he let Subaru's wrists go. "Not today perhaps, but there will come a day when we will part." His tone was almost resigned.

Subaru suppressed a shiver. That was a prospect he wasn't ready to face yet. He laid there, chest heaving, enduring Seishirou's piercing stare. Then suddenly, the man's weight was off him. Subaru couldn't stop himself from feeling a momentary pang of disappointment when Seishirou rolled away from him. Unsure about what the other was thinking, he sat up to examine him. Seishirou's expression was closed, but years of living with the man, allowed Subaru to conclude he was troubled. He sighed; an unhappy Seishirou could make life very difficult for him. Coming to a decision, Subaru edged back over, resting his hand tentatively on his shoulder in a peace gesture.

Seishirou didn't react beyond giving him his attention, content to see where Subaru was going next. Never let it be said that he had to force Subaru into doing anything he didn't want to. If there was one thing the Sumeragi was, he was tenacious. After all, he had managed to convince him to let him stay all those years ago, and had oddly enough, stuck to his decision despite all that they had both gone through.

Subaru began to nuzzle at Seishirou's chest, planting wet kisses down his front, and taking an extra bit of time to work at his nipples. Subaru smiled in triumph when he heard the slight hitch in Seishirou's breath while he gently sucked and pulled at the sensitive flesh. The Sakurazukamori though didn't react beyond that, so Subaru progressed down.

Settling himself more comfortably between Seishirou's legs, he placed a gentle hand on Seishirou's member. Running a finger from the base to the tip, Subaru wondered about how physically vulnerable Seishirou was to him in this position. The thought filled him with a surge of empowerment, although he knew the other man was fully aware Subaru would never strike at him in this way. No, Subaru knew other ways of hurting his lover instead-- all of them, unintentional. He could see the comprehension in Seishirou's eyes as he bent down and took him into his mouth.

Subaru could hear Seishirou's breathing growing harsher as he teased and sucked at him. He wondered if Seishirou would be content with simply Subaru doing this, or if he wanted more tonight. He felt Seishirou's hips arching up and he forced himself to relax his throat to take him fully. He remembered the first time he did this, and how embarrassed he was. Then, Seishirou had been a gentle guide, directing him on how best to pleasure him in his low laughing voice. That same voice which Subaru had fallen in love with, that he now cringed to hear cutting words from.

Apparently, Seishirou wanted more. Subaru felt him tug him back up. A quick flip and Subaru was placed on his back, Seishirou's mouth moving over his. He allowed the kiss, twining his tongue around Seishirou's willingly, feeling himself grow more aroused despite himself. Again, that low laughter brought Subaru's desire-hazed eyes to meet Seishirou's.

"As long as I see that look in your eyes..." Seishirou whispered at him. He left the sentence incomplete, knowing that Subaru would be able to fill in the remainder.

I will stay by your side, Subaru silently finished.

He pulled Seishirou to him to kiss him, closing his eyes to prevent the despair in them from showing. He felt Seishirou prepare him with slicked fingers but he kept his eyes tightly shut, just letting himself enjoy the soft caresses. He felt Seishirou position himself and that low voice sounded in his ears again.

"Is it so hard for you to look at me?"

Subaru reopened his eyes in time to see a fleeting flicker of sorrow pass on Seishirou's face. He didn't know if the cry he made was due to his regret at seeing that expression or from the sensation of Seishirou entering him. Then all thoughts were forgotten as Seishirou began to move. Subaru held onto him, running his hands across Seishirou's skin, reveling in the fact that he was able to touch him. Even though he'd not worn his gloves for eight years, the memory of being cut off from his sense of touch remained with him, enough to allow him to appreciate the soft slick feel of Seishirou's skin.

Seishirou brought his hand down to take Subaru's shaft, to pump it in time with his thrusts. His pace was at first maddeningly slow, before he abruptly changed and began to thrust rapidly at him, prompting Subaru to lose himself in a rising spiral of pleasure. However, just as he thought he couldn't hold out anymore, Seishirou slowed down again. Subaru began to moan with need, this teasing was driving him wild. He arched and bucked against Seishirou, trying desperately to seek his release. "I need you, Seishirou," Subaru said, his voice raw with urgency.

Seishirou's hands came up to frame Subaru's face, holding him in place as he kissed him savagely. "And I want you," he answered. The desire showed clearly in his eyes sending a pleasurable shiver through Subaru. Seishirou's thrusts increased in speed and it was enough for him to loose himself in the ecstasy of his climax. Vaguely he felt Seishirou following in his pleasure, a sharp pain radiating from his shoulder as Seishirou bit down on him, prompting him to tighten around him.

*

Some time later, Subaru laid on the bed, listening to the even breaths of his partner as he slowly drifted off into sleep. Around his head the lines of an old English poem circled.

But I have promises to keep,

and miles to go before I sleep,

and miles to go before I sleep.

Subaru turned his face into the pillow, trying to stop a tear from falling from his eye. He quickly brushed the back of his hand against it, to dash it away. This was his burden. Seishirou wouldn't understand and would definitely take it the wrong way. Mind-blowing as the sex was, his situation was unchanged. Sex wasn't love... and Subaru wondered where along the way had he stopped loving Seishirou.

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Notes: What can I say, this is a very dark story. If you understand it, you understand it, if not... you can come ask me for an explanation. There's more if you want to read it, reviews are always welcome. This story wasn't really written in response to Aishuu's challenge to the CFFML for a Change in the Tapestry as I started it many months ago, but it fits. So erm, I'm posting it under that category. Oh yes, the poem that Subaru quotes at the end is Robert Frost's Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening.

More of my fanfics can be found at Butterfly Dreams: http://www.midnightrevolution.org/quicksilver/xandra/xandraindex.htm