Tokyo Babylon Fan Fiction / X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ A Perfect Circle ❯ Over the Top ( Chapter 9 )

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am… (1)

          &nbs p;            & nbsp;           

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Subaru's heart caught.

"I'm a queer."

…huh? "What?"

"I'm… I'm swishy. Queer. I swing both ways."

"Kamui, I already knew that."

"You did? How?"

It's. Bloody. Obvious. "I could tell. I wasn't sure about you liking women at first, but it was pretty obvious that you liked men."

Kamui buried his head in his hands and groaned. Subaru opened his eye. He was spending the vast majority of the conversation with it closed now; it felt ready to burst with strain.

"Um… is something wrong?"

"Do I act like that much of an uke?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Uke. It means… it's an obscure fandom term; otaku use it sometimes. It basically means that you're on bottom. The girl in the relationship. I-all right." Kamui sighed. "So a lot of the guys up north used to call me 'bitch' all the time. I thought it was because I had a pretty face and I was a runt, but they kept saying that I acted like a bitchy girl. I-all right, is that really how I act?"

"No. That isn't what tipped me off."

"Then what did?"

"I got a vibe. And it's pretty obvious that you're crushing on Fuuma, Kamui. Really obvious." Kamui shifted uncomfortably. Subaru swallowed and tried to mentally dissolve the lead in his stomach. "Or it was just a lucky guess." Wishful guess. "It's not because you act like a-whatever that word was-uke. I mean… maybe you do, but if you do, I do as well. Do you think I'm…?"

"Uke? Yes."

"You see, I think that's pretty immature." Subaru pulled a tissue out of the box and twisted it thoughtfully. "That's just stereotyping. It's like you're sentencing somebody to always be 'on top' or 'on bottom' based on how meek they are. Real relationships aren't like that all the time. Being-well, being on the receiving end of things doesn't make you weak at all. And it's just stupid to think that the quieter, less assertive ones are the submissive ones. Immature people think that. As far as that would relate to the bedroom is concerned, it just-quite frankly, it feels good to be in that position, and there's no shame in it."

"Could we NOT talk about that, PLEASE?" Kamui coughed and blew his nose once again. "And you have to admit that if you were hooked up with Seishirou, you'd be the bitch."

"That is just my case." Subaru sighed and threw the torn tissue into the trash. "And I find no shame in it. And as far as the dominant / submissive thing extends beyond the bedroom, well… I would want to be on the giving end sometimes in there too-" Why the hell are you talking about this? Subaru went red. "-sorry. Just an example. It's more complicated than that, though. You can't just label people."

"Grow up. Yes, you can."

You grow up. Ah, seven years of difference begins to become evident sometimes. It would be a minor hindrance. "Do what you want. And if you can, you must admit that you, also, are on that end of the label. You know who you are. It's more complex than that. It's like…um…hold on… um…well… sort of-like you're associating being the 'girl' with being weak. I know a great many girls who are stronger than most men. You can't judge people by how they would act according to… well… I guess, society's definition of roles. My sister was as feminine as they come, and she was stronger than all of us combined. I mean, me and Seishirou… she really was stronger. It's not a downfall to be the way you and I are. Like, I mean, if you did act like a girl or something, which you don't. Uh… well… I'm no good at this. All right. It is immature to think that it is. A downfall, I mean. Uh."

"…whatever."

"Am I making a shred of sense?"

"Actually, you are. Thanks. I… I feel a lot better now."

"Really?"

"Yeah. And everything you said about being bi makes me feel better, too. It… well, I don't know how anybody would take it if they knew. Keiichi or Yuzuriha-chan or Aoki-san or Sora-san… I guess they'd get weirded out."

"They probably know too."

"It just isolated me from a lot of people up north. People… well, they're like… they say that they're cool with it if they find out, but they just distance themselves. They've got, like, this gut reaction or something that makes them back off."

"They can't help that."

"Yeah, well, whatever. I-I didn't tell anybody, I just… well, I wasn't even really aware of it at the time. I just felt different for some reason."

"Kamui, you are different, and in far more drastic ways than just being bisexual. And you're not up north anymore. And you're not with the average people."

"So you don't think it's really off?"

"No, not at all. And even if it is, we're all off. We're the convention of the offs. Being 'off' isn't a bad thing, necessarily." Subaru thought for a moment and took a deep breath. Now or never. Just go for it. "Kamui, have you ever considered moving on?"

"What?"

"I mean… moving on from Fuuma. He's sort of a lost cause." Liar. There's a glimmer of a chance that he'll last a few weeks. "It would be the best for you. He's going to do nothing but hurt you, Kamui."

Kamui glared. "You know nothing about Fuuma."

"Fuuma is gone."

"You-look, you won't let go of Seishirou, and that's who he really is-he's a monster-and Fuuma is not the person who is hurting everybody. The real Fuuma is different. You don't even start telling me how to move on-"

"What if I said that I was also trying to move on?"

"I would say, 'Congratulations, good job, now let me kill the bastard.'"

"You know how dead set against thinking that I could find another single person I was? Like, I mean, single for me, not single in general… Uh… never mind. Okay. Whatever. Perhaps still am? How I can't even get him off my mind to this day?"

"Yes."

"And you are the same way about Fuuma?"

"Yes. Well… there was... there was Kotori… but she's… I was going to have to choose…" Kamui concentrated on fiddling with the hem of his gown. "…You see, I sort of found out that I was bi when I got back here. I didn't know that I was when those guys up north were giving me flack. It must have scared me because of that insecurity thing-you know, like trying to prove that I have no emotions? And I didn't want them to think I was a flower-yeah, whatever. Anyway. I always had a crush on Kotori. And when I got back here… well, I realized that I was seeing Fuuma the same way, and it scared me. I wanted to be with both of them the same way."

"I see."

"All right, this is kind of dumb, but… Fuuma and I made a promise when I left years ago. He promised that if I protected Kotori, he would protect me. When I was little, that was just really comforting, you know, like brothers watch out for each other. He was… Fuuma was basically my brother. When I got back and saw him again, he wasn't. He was… more. It was so close to that, though, that it was almost like incest. I felt like we were all incestuous siblings, and I would be fine with that. I wanted that. Oh my god-" Kamui buried his head in his hands. "I'm so fucked up."

"No, you're not."

"But Kotori and Fuuma were real brother and sister, and neither saw the other in that way. So… it got really confusing." Kamui thought for a moment and looked out the window once again, still hunched over clawed hands. "I was going to have to choose. It… it made things weird for a while. I think they were both aware of it. But… you see, I don't know if Fuuma is gay or bi or whatever. I mean, yeah, he's been sleeping with Seishirou, but that's my shadow-look. I-I was terrified that he'd think I was disgusting. Like if he knew, he would go away and think that I was sick. It would make our friendship really weird if he knew. But that would also make my decision easy, and I wouldn't hurt Fuuma that way. He-I guess I was vain to ever think that either liked me in return that way. I just assumed. Or hoped so hard. It's… sorry, that was kind of pointless."

"No, it's not." Subaru closed his eye and swallowed the metallic taste collecting at the back of his tongue. He feared that he was about to be violently sick in the wastepaper basket. God damn you, Fuuma. Disappear. Just. Disappear. He swallowed again and took a deep breath. Courtesy. Look generous. Look as though you really care about Fuuma. Don't be a selfish bastard. "And how are you so sure that Fuuma is straight?"

"He's… he's normal. He's not like me."

"That's nonsense. People can be swishy and still be perfectly normal, and you know that."

"But… oh my god." Kamui buried his head in his waiting hands once again. "Kotori's dead! I killed her! And if Fuuma really is gone or straight or whatever, I'm all alone! I-I didn't ever want to feel this way about anybody! God damn it, I hate this! And if he knows I killed Kotori, he'll hate me or be weird or be hurt just by looking at me! I-god damn it, I love him so much." Kamui's breath caught. Subaru screwed his eyes shut in pain. "I'm so goddamned selfish."

Subaru slowly opened his good eye and took a deep breath. Kamui was working himself into a silent meltdown, shoulders wracking with the effort of biting back sobs and twisting the sheet hems into knots. I'm going to be sick. I'm going to be sick-"Why?"

 Kamui hissed and tried to speak, was only able to make a high pitched whine that degraded into a low cry, and violently recoiled into the bed board-Subaru yelled "Kamui, your shoulder!"-when Subaru reached out for him. Pain shot through Subaru's stomach.

"…come on. Don't even start that." Subaru carefully reached for Kamui's hand and was finally allowed to take it. He sighed and stroked its back with his fingertips until it uncurled slightly. A bark of a sob broke through Kamui's teeth when the second he unclenched to attempt to control his breathing. "Please, not now. And not ever. But… we understand each other, Kamui. Look. We… we've both been hurt by the ones we love. It's like… rejects fending for themselves, looking for… argh… I see myself in you, and…" I love you. I want to be with you. You're competing with Seishirou, and it's driving me insane. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't want to think. I don't know what to say. Please, say something. Please.

Kamui took a deep breath, steadied his voice, and swallowed and closed his eyes in a vague attempt at meditation. Calm down. Please, calm down, Kamui. Focus on me right now. I'm right here. I can make you happy.

"…what are you trying to say?" asked Kamui quietly.

"I… I think we were… maybe we were fated to be betrayed… and go through so much hell… so that we could join… still having doubts… and… well, maybe I'm starting to have hope for the future, for the first time in seven years, and I'm starting to wonder… you know… if we can heal together… and move on… and be happy… and we'll realize how right we might be for each other after all… and compare it to what we once thought was the only thing for us… and even if we both still have our guys on our minds all the time to the point that it almost cripples us we can get over the jealousy we'd have for each other and slowly help each other forget… I want to heal so badly, Kamui… I really do… and I want you to… heal…" Subaru swallowed. "Damn it, this really isn't going anywhere. Sorry. I'll start over."

Kamui's expression was degrading from confusion to shock and near terror. He blinked and mouthed Subaru's words to himself, thinking. Subaru smiled hopefully and took a deep breath. The adrenaline was surging and heightening his awareness of every moving molecule in the room to a maddening level. Fight or flight. Fight. Fight. Don't run away. "You're not elegant under shock, but you're still beautiful."

"…you're… not serious."

"…yeah." Subaru took a deep breath and waved. Okay. Over the top. No turning back now. Just go for it. "I've fallen for you, Shirou Kamui. I'm not a very good prize to offer, but at least… now you know. Wow. I'm really shaking."

Kamui stared. Subaru folded his hands nervously and tapped his fingers. His shoulders were shaking with the thrill. He was sure the pulse in his ears was going to explode out his eardrums and allow all of the tension to be sucked out of his skull.

"It's like… you know how I am about Seishirou? And I know how you are about Fuuma. It's… do you really love him… Kamui? Are you sure it isn't just a bad crush?"

"It's not just a crush… I honestly don't know." Kamui sighed and buried his head in his hands. "I don't know anymore, Subaru. This is all driving me insane."

"Are you scared?"

"Terrified."

"So am I." Subaru cleared his throat. "I'm… really scared. But you're the first person since Seishirou who's made me want to take the dive. And that's saying something. That… that really is saying something. It made me sit up and pay attention. I'm not good with people or communicating at all. I don't like to get close to people. I don't trust them, quite frankly. I guess I've seen too much in my line of work. I always felt more comfortable around animals."

"Yeah, me too."

"So we understand. We can move on together." Subaru forced a timid smile. "We're… one and the same in a lot of ways, but you're not like me. You… you're not pathetic. You don't give in. I honestly don't know if it is selfish of me or not to offer this. I'll drag you down. The last thing in the world I want is for you to end up like me."

"Shut up!" Kamui seized the tissue box out of Subaru's lap and snatched a tissue one-handed. He blew his nose loudly. "I'm sick of your shit, Subaru. You are not pathetic. Don't ever let me hear you say that again."

"… and the last thing I want is your pity. So, if you don't feel the same for me, I don't want your affection. I know that I'm a pitiful person-"

"Shut up-"

"-At least respect me enough to tell the truth, please." Actually, pity sex and blissful ignorance on my part would be nice. Subaru took a deep breath and grasped the water glass with a shaking hand. He gulped the rest of the water. "Wow. It's hot in here."

Kamui laughed. Subaru smiled wanly and set the glass on the table. Congratulations, you've made things weird now. You knew you never had a chance with him. Don't you look pathetic…

"Well…uh… Subaru. Um. I don't know why you think you're pathetic. You've really helped me through a lot of stuff lately. I mean… you're more a source of strength than anything. Like… look. You were the person who got me to get out of my own head, remember?"

"Yes."

"And… well, that meant a lot to me. I don't know." Kamui took a deep breath and looked out the window. "I… I thought that you'd be weirded out by a bi guy. Like you said, you thought it was odd-but it made me really happy when you said that you wouldn't be."

"…what are you trying to say, Kamui?" Please please please please please-

"I feel the same way about you. I… I just thought that you were too infatuated with Seishirou to even look at me in the same way."

Time suspended. Subaru's stomach fell out. His mind blanked in shock and sunk behind a protective, viscous deluge, from root to crown, through which all outside movements were observed with maddening, acute awareness. Every slight movement of his fingers against the backs of his folded hands tickled. Every flicker of Kamui's hair and eyelashes in the zephyrs from the broken window stood as its own distinct action, and every faint movement of his chest as he tried to control his breathing seemed powerful and somehow profound. He was fixing his stare out the window and setting his jaw in defense, beginning to flush. Subaru blinked and stared out the window. The lights were flickering in the corner of his revealed eye, perspective made worse by the pain that was already building from strain.

The air was stifling.

……oh my god. Oh. My. God. …Yes. Subaru swallowed. Time snapped back. The lights stopped flickering.YES. YES. YES. YES! Subaru grinned in relief and poured a new glass of water. "You… really mean that?"

"Yes."

"That's… that's great. Oh my god." Subaru gulped down the water and poured another glass. He laughed. Kamui looked up in shock. "I'm so happy. I… oh my god. Sorry."

"You're laughing."

"Yeah!"

"…I've never seen you really smile, Subaru." Kamui grinned sheepishly back at him. "It makes me really happy."

"I haven't been this happy in seven years. Not even close. Oh my god, I'm so happy. I-sorry, I can't think of anything better to say."

"Don't worry about it."

"So, we're… we're together now? It's official?"

"…I…"

"It's all right. If… commitment is scary, I know. I'm terrified too. We can take it slowly, if you want." Just don't run away. Please, don't run away because you're scared.

"…okay."

"Great. Great." Subaru took another gulp of water. "We'll take it slowly. We're just aware of it now, and that's enough. Just… whenever you feel comfortable about it, you know that I'm waiting. Oh, I'm so happy. I can't believe it. I'm finally going to move on."

"That's good. I'm glad, Subaru."

"I am too. Wow, I haven't felt this good in so long. I don't feel like myself. I feel giddy."

"I hope that you get very used to that feeling."

"Me too! Me too."

Okay, now what? Kamui looked back out the window as though trying to think of how to say something. Do we kiss or something? Dear god, that would be nice. He's… he's just shy; he'll open up soon. He'll open up to me. Only to me. And we'll feel comfortable with each other. Oh, god, I'm so happy. I can't believe it. I'm happy.

"Do you want to kiss or something?"

YES. YES. "Um… sure. That would be nice."

"…okay."

"Yeah."

They stared at each other for a moment. Kamui coughed and looked back out the window.

"Right… so… um…"

"…uh…"

"Oh, for god's sake." Kamui stared at Subaru and exhaled suddenly through his nose. He set his jaw as though he were facing an opponent, seized the back of Subaru's head by folds of bandage, and pressed his closed lips into Subaru's for a brief moment before snapping away as though dislodging himself after delivering a strike. Subaru blinked and shook his head suddenly to keep giddy fuzz from exploding in his brain.

"…that wasn't a kiss."

"…have you ever done this before?"

"No."

"Oh."

"…oh, fine." Subaru leaned over Kamui, edging the smaller boy's open back into the pillows while taking care to cradle the injured shoulder with his hand, licked his lips, and tentatively ran his shaking fingers lightly down Kamui's temple and jaw-line. He took a shaking breath. Kamui was clenching his good fist over his lap and shaking just as badly, but squaring his shoulders and staring at Subaru as though, once again, summoning his courage. He swallowed and licked his lips. Subaru smiled nervously.

"I'm really nervous."

"…yeah, me too."

"I can tell."

Kamui laughed softly. Subaru grinned and ran the backs of his fingers down Kamui's cheek while gently raking the fiberglass mesh of Kamui's cast with his nails. Oh my god, that's your real smile. It's so beautiful, Kamui, and it's for me. For me. For me. Mine. All mine. My Kamui. MY Kamui. You're mine-

"You're kind of creeping me out looking at me like that."

Kamui's breathing was growing shallow. Subaru licked his lips again and traced his fingertips back over Kamui's ear and down the hollow behind. "Sorry. You're just so beautiful."

"All right, now you're being a fruit."

"Thank you so much. You're so romantic." Subaru smiled; Kamui was flushing badly and glaring stubbornly back in mock challenge, made rather more preposterous by the fact that his eyes were glassing over with arousal. Subaru felt himself starting to crack up. Kamui finally snorted and grinned at him. Molten lead surged through Subaru's lower abdomen as he broke and started chuckling. Laughter is arousing. This is-amazingly new, nobody ever tells you that. Oh my god. We're making a mockery of this, and it's turning me on. We're so screwed up. God, that's arousing too-

"You going to do this or not?" Kamui asked breathlessly. "You're really torturing me."

"Sorry. I guess I'm just the girl in this relationship. You know, foreplay."

"Damn straight you are. You know your place."

Subaru laughed silently and moved his fingertips down Kamui's neck.

"…Jesus Christ, Subaru. Come on."

"Right. Okay. Here we go."

"Good."

"Good. Okay."

Subaru took a suspended breath, closed his eye, and lightly pressed his parted lips into Kamui's. He shifted Kamui's shoulder to rest on the underside of his forearm, the fiberglass mesh rasping white-raw scratches down the sensitive skin and pushing the hem of the hospital gown over the back of his arm. He stroked any bare skin he could reach with fingertips around the padded lip of the cast and the support bars holding it in place close to Kamui's spine. Kamui relaxed against the cradle and pulled Subaru's arm and weight with him into the pillows, but did not open his lips in response. Subaru lapped the part in Kamui's lips and kneaded the back of his head in encouragement, spiraling tendrils of hair around his fingers and massaging the skin through the roots. Come on, don't make me look like the aggressive one. He sucked Kamui's mouth, drawing all of the air into the back of his throat to create a vacuum. Air. Air- It's all right, Kamui. This isn't bad-oh, god, yes, god, yes… further, open further… deeper… so warm… your tongue feels so good. Oh my god. It's like a cushion. Pressure. You're controlling that pressure, you're making it move-against my tongue-oh my god. Jaw. Movement. The muscles in your jaw, everything-moving-so perfect. You're eating me alive. You're trying to eat me. I'll devour you. I'll-see, I can suck just as hard. Wet. Slimy?-no, wet, wet. Yes, slimy, whatever. So, this is what this feels like. It's much fuller than I was expecting… argk… easy, love, easy-

They broke away and gasped. Subaru licked his lips nervously and took a deep breath, noticing with vague satisfaction that Kamui was in the same shaky state as he was. He gave Kamui an open-mouthed smile, still breathing heavily.

"…damn. You almost choked me," said Kamui.

"I did? I thought that you were about to shove my tongue back down my throat."

"You were inhaling my tongue. I didn't know that was physically possible."

"Oh, um. Well. I am an onmyouji. I'm magical."

Kamui looked up at Subaru, still flushed and breathless, and threw a wadded tissue at his nose. "Shut up."

Subaru smiled through breathing and threw the tissue into the trash. "Sorry. Was it really that bad?"

"Bad? What gave you the idea that was bad? That was… really nice."

"Oh, good. I agree." Subaru swallowed and took a gasping breath. "We'll get better."

"…want to try again?"

"Sure."

Kamui swallowed and leaned forward with more confidence, head tilted and still gasping through barely-parted lips. Subaru leaned into his short, hot bursts of breath, and stopped. He vaguely sensed the approach of distressed Dragons of Heaven beyond the wall, in an alien world that he now realized was the one in which his mundane life took place. The microcosm of the hospital room dissolved. Both he and Kamui extended their awareness beyond the room.

"…Sora and Arashi are coming," said Kamui.

"I know." …oh, perfect-

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(1) Goo Goo Dolls, "Iris"