Tokyo Babylon Fan Fiction / X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ A Perfect Circle ❯ Butterfly ( Chapter 17 )

XVII. Butterfly

Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable [1]
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1992

Sixteen-year-ol d Sumeragi Subaru fidgeted uneasily and stared out across the ocean, leaning back on the heels of his gloved hands and mashing the sand through the spread beach towel. Hokuto-chan had dashed up the brushy slope to the vet-van to retrieve more wasabi, chiding herself for being such a poor hostess, and Seishirou-san had gone God-knows-where for a moment, disappearing toward buildings Subaru assumed were the restrooms; of Seishirou-san’s frequent casual disappearances, at least some of them had to be mundane. He always came back none the worse for wear or humor, but Subaru was growing progressively more suspicious that Seishirou-san was hiding a secret, and that the secret was intimately linked to shadowy, dreamlike memories of his past. It was becoming easier to grasp vestiges of those dark memories, infused with fragrant sakura, but they always slipped away before they could solidify.

The beach trip had been Hokuto’s idea, of course. She wanted Subaru to get away from work and decompress. She claimed that he was under too much stress lately. Subaru did not see the use; he was only getting more stressed by allowing work to pile up and feeling guilty for not working. Every moment he spent off the job was a moment some poor soul spent in torment. Hokuto had replied to that objection by saying “You can’t save the world, Subaru. You have to live your own life sometimes,” and then promptly calling Seishirou on the kitchen phone to ask if he had Saturday off work to drive to the beach. Subaru had stood in the background babbling about how he was taking his own time—to complete high school—which was of his own choosing, so he could pursue a selfish dream of being a zookeeper—so he was thinking of himself and his own life just enough, thank you very much, but Hokuto had only thrown a dishrag at him as soon as she got off the phone and dragged him out the door to go swimsuit shopping.

I’m going to have so much catching up to do. I really don’t have time for this. I can’t believe I got talked into this. Subaru watched Hokuto run down the slope in her sandals with a bottle and the car keys, tropical-sherbet colored sarong flapping erratically in the wind and catching on the scrubby sand-weeds. He looked down at his own orange-and-green swim trunks and sighed. They had wasted time for Hokuto to pick out matching swimsuits. They had wasted time getting all of the ingredients for sushi at the grocery store. They had wasted time getting gas. Putting on sunscreen. Waiting at stoplights. Watching seagulls. Wasted time. Wasted time. He watched Hokuto walk up to the blanket, kick off her sandals, and sit down cross-legged with the wasabi. I’ve got no time to waste so much time. I’ve got jobs piling up. I’ve got schoolwork. I’m going to flunk out of Algebra II if I don’t turn in a perfect folder this week. I’ve got to get help in math and chemistry; I should be using Seishirou-san’s time to beg for help on that, not waste his time at the beach.

“Su-ba-ru! Stop fidgeting and eat!” Hokuto slammed the bottle in front of him. “Now! Everything is perfect! We have soy sauce and wasabi!”

“Hokuto-chan, we really should get going.”

“NO!” Hokuto snatched Subaru’s untouched plate and cleaned the sand off of its face with her sarong, scowling. “You’re going to take a day off and not worry about a thing but yours and Sei-chan’s love!” Subaru flushed briefly and glanced sidelong at the ocean before focusing on the food. “God! You’re being very inconsiderate, after all this work I’ve put forth for you two!”

“S-sorry…”

“Stop apologizing!”

“Sorry.”

“I mean it!”

“S-… uh…”

“You’re as wound up as a spring, you know that? You’ll die of a heart attack before you’re twenty.” Hokuto sighed heavily and pinched several sushi rolls onto Subaru’s plate with frog-shaped tongs. “Subaru, how many times do I have to tell you to lighten up? Stop apologizing every five seconds. It really isn’t a security blanket against confrontation, and it’s cowardly. And you’ll do fine in school. Just do what you need to do to get your diploma; don’t go overboard.”

“That’s what I’m doing. I just haven’t had time to even learn the material.”

“You’re balancing too much.” Hokuto handed Subaru his plate. “Eat. You’ve got no meat on your bones. Sei-chan works too much too, but at least he knows that he’s working for life. He takes time out to truly live. Your work isn’t your life’s purpose, you know. It’s just a means to an end so you can have what truly matters.”

“Um.”

“You need a perspective check. You should be the one wearing the glasses.” Hokuto looked over Subaru’s head. “Right, Sei-chan?”

Subaru froze, the nerves along his spine shorting. Seishirou had started to laugh softly and sit down behind him, reaching around Subaru for his soda and pulling Subaru into the warm hollow of his embrace in the process. Subaru closed his eyes and clenched his teeth, taking a shuddering breath and blushing. Why do I have such a hair-trigger with turning red? Come on; you have seen him without a shirt before, right? Like, five minutes ago, but he’s the same guy no matter what’s covered and what’s not.

Subaru felt guilty and shallow for giving Seishirou a careful going-over out of the corner of his eyes as soon as Seishirou had taken his shirt off. He was still attractive, but not as perfect as Subaru had imagined. His shoulders were still much too broad—Subaru was hoping that had been entirely the effect of suit jackets and too-starched shirts—and his legs were toned, but awkwardly knobby and hairy, and he had a fair, dark line of hair down his abdomen. While Seishirou was distracted because he was unloading the umbrella from the back of the van, Hokuto had called the latter hair the “stairway to heaven” and giggled. Subaru did not get it for five minutes. Seishirou’s chest was smooth, however, and aside from his shoulder width, he had a nice, strong upper body. And, he still had the exact same pretty face and warm smile. Subaru had carefully inspected his own body for flaws, wondering if Seishirou was also giving him a looking-over. The only approval Subaru had for his own body was that it was clean and smooth—he had very little body hair—but beyond that, he was a knobby-jointed, awkward toothpick with poor posture and less muscle than his twin sister, and he looked plain goofy in swimming trunks and gloves. Hokuto had told him not to worry about it and to remember that he had a gorgeous face and beautiful, straight shoulders when he carried himself upright, as he did when he was on assignment.

“Hokuto-chan, be nice to him,” said Seishirou. “We’re here to relax, not badger Subaru-kun. Remember?”

“He’s worrying!” Hokuto re-adjusted her legs beneath her and picked a sushi roll off the platter with her chopsticks. “Sei-chan, carry him off into the sunset already and blow his mind out of this world!”

Subaru wasn’t sure whether he turned red before or after he thought on that idea in its multiple, flash-feverish forms for a second. Seishirou laughed and took a deep drink of his soda.

“But, Hokuto-chan, I thought you told me not to take him far away from you.”

“You’ll bring him back when you’re done.”

Subaru busied himself mixing sushi sauce out of wasabi and soy, trying to meditate. His thoughts drifted to the assignment pile on the kitchen counter at home, and he groaned softly, massaging his temple. Hokuto growled quietly.

“SU-BA-RU.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just…” He looked around nervously, half-seeing a volleyball fly across his field of vision between shadow-figures; the other direction, sparkling water and sunset— “I’ve got so much work at home, and I really should get back—AAAAAAAH!”

Hokuto shrieked with delight. Seishirou stood and scooped Subaru into his arms, balancing Subaru’s legs over his forearm and catching Subaru’s back with his hand, ignoring Subaru’s stammering cries of “S-S-Seishirou-sssan!” Subaru desperately wished he had a hat to pull low over his eyes, and instead sufficed with burying his head in his gloved hands. Maybe I can spell myself to make this blushing stop—oh no oh no oh no oh no—

Seishirou ran across the sand and crashed into the ocean. He and Subaru yelped with the cold and the shock; Seishirou lost his balance and fell, pulling Subaru under the foaming waves with him. Subaru struggled to stand against the under-currents, but Seishirou kept a tight hold around his waist and pulled him above the waves as he broke water with a gasp, shaking his head quickly. Subaru gasped and wrung the water out of his thick hair, panting and shaking with shock and excitement. He was sure his heart was pounding a mile a minute. Seishirou was turning circles and scanning the water around them, minus his eyeglasses. Subaru broke free of Seishirou and started groping blindly into the surrounding currents, seawater rushing in under his gloves. He faintly heard Hokuto cheering across the beach.

“Well.” Seishirou looked across the sand, smiling. “It looks like I entertained somebody, at least.”

“Seishirou-san, your glasses!—”

“Don’t worry about it.” Seishirou ran his fingers through his hair and submerged himself to the waist, wading with his hands outstretched. “It’s my own fault for charging in like that. I forget I’m wearing them.”

“Can you see?”

“My eyesight’s not completely shot. I’m mostly farsighted, so I’ll be able to drive us home safely without them. Worst-case scenario, I’ll get some cheap reading glasses for work until I can get my prescription.” He smiled up at Subaru, who was still standing above him, half-dumbstruck. “It’s well worth it to see that look on your face, Subaru-kun.”

“…uh…”

“Ah! Here they are!” Seishirou stood and shook the water off his glasses’ lenses, then wiped them on the hem of his trunks, little good though that did. “Come on; let’s find some place where we can relax. I can see I’m going to have to force you into that.”

Subaru had no idea what would constitute “relaxing”, but Seishirou’s idea, which was curling up and sitting spoon-fashion on the shoreline, was anything but relaxing at first. Subaru stared down at the lapping water, allowing himself to lean on Seishirou’s shoulder and trying to control his breathing and heart-rate. This is more like an exercise in onmyoujitsu concentration than relaxation. Is Seishirou-san trying to drive me mad?

“Is this comfortable?” asked Seishirou.

“What?”

“I mean, are you getting sore sitting like this, or is this fine?”

“What? No, I mean, yes, I mean… no, I’m not getting sore. This is fine. Uh. Are you getting sore, Seishirou-san? Because if you are, we can move—”

“Shhhhh.” Seishirou pulled Subaru closer and dipped his head close to Subaru’s ear. Subaru stared pointedly at the ticking hand of Seishirou’s metal wristwatch and took a deep breath. “Just relax, Subaru-kun.” Subaru stiffened and fought the impulse to yelp; Seishirou had flicked his tongue over the edge of his ear. “Just—” He held tighter, more intimately. “—relax—”

“Th-that’s too close, Seishirou-s-san.”

“…sorry.” Seishirou loosened his hold and straightened. Subaru sighed. “It seems I’ve cut out of line a bit.”

“I’m really—I mean, I’m sorry, but I’m just… it just… it’s not personal, I mean, it’s like…” Subaru stammered; he was hoping Seishirou would have already cut in, but the latter was patiently waiting for him to finish. “…uh… I’m not ready,” he finished lamely. Seishirou chuckled; Subaru scowled slightly. “And I dislike it when you’re so condescending about it. I can’t put things in words well, but it doesn’t feel right yet.”

“I’m not condescending, Subaru-kun. I admire your honesty and respect your wishes.” Seishirou sniffed Subaru’s hair. “It just means anything you allow me to do is all the more precious. Physical affection is just that sacred to you, isn’t it?”

“…uh… yeah.”

“And you’re also just scared. I’m not giving you too much holy credit.” Seishirou sighed and stroked Subaru’s left shoulder with his right hand. “I’ll win you yet, Subaru-kun. Someday, you will be mine. Don’t stiffen like that; you will be mine because you want to be. It will be entirely of your own will. That makes it all the more precious to me.”

“Really?”

“Really. I don’t consider you ‘mine’ until you come willingly. That’s how I like things.” Seishirou tightened his grip. “It is written in the stars above that you and I will be together.”

“Don’t say that!”

Seishirou paused, as surprised by Subaru’s outburst as Subaru himself was. Subaru took a deep breath and buried his head in his gloved hands again, hooking Seishirou’s crossed forearms with his own arms. “Sorry, it’s just… lately… I hate destiny,” said Subaru. “I’m sick of it. I hate it when people say things are already written for me. I mean, I know it’s not what you really mean, because you were just talking about free will, but if you’re one of those people who thinks ‘free will’ is fated… I don’t know, Seishirou-san. It just made me feel a bit sick. I’ve already sacrificed my entire life and my dreams for some ‘fate’ I never asked for and—” He took a deep breath and stared at the sand, rigid. “Sorry. I don’t know where that came from.”

“It sounds like it’s been long in coming.” Seishirou thought for a moment. “Then… let’s put it this way: you’ll come to me entirely of free will itself, which is far more powerful than any ‘destiny’. That is the power of the bond that will hold us forever.”

“That’s… much nicer, anyway.” Subaru held his breath uneasily, knowing he was blushing again. I wish I wasn’t so reactive. I know he gets a kick out of it. He allowed himself to relax and lean forward against Seishirou’s arms like a rag doll for a moment, Seishirou’s flesh against his bare chest, and then snuggle back against Seishirou’s chest. Subaru sighed as Seishirou tightened his grip again. It was stiflingly warm, he was sitting on an uncomfortable shell, and he was sure he seemed like a wilting hothouse flower, but he didn’t care. Flesh against my back, so hot, so hot, so—this is the closest I’ve ever been to Seishirou-san, so close, so—warm—skin—so smooth—

“Well, I’m glad it’s nicer,” said Seishirou. Subaru started, glad that he was facing away from Seishirou. He felt as though his thoughts were scrawled across his face in clear, black ink. “I like ‘free will’ better too. Much better.”

“…there is more to life than onmyoujitsu.” Subaru took a deep breath and collected his thoughts, leaning back and listening to Seishirou’s strong, dull heartbeat. Seishirou was waiting patiently. “I don’t want to dedicate my whole life to that destiny. I mean, there’s more to me than being Sumeragi Subaru, the thirteenth head of the Sumeragi Clan. I mean, that’s not who I am. Entirely. It is, partly, but there’s more to me than that. I want to do so much more with my life. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t be the head. I mean, I don’t know if I have an affinity for onmyoujitsu because I’ve grown up with it, or because it really is a part of me, you know? Like, if I was born something else, if I’d still end up where I am today.”

“I know what you mean.”

“I mean, I’m just Sumeragi Subaru. Just Subaru, deep down. I just want to live a life of my own choosing. It’s selfish, but deep down, I’m a really selfish person. I don’t want to be, but—”

“Hush. Deep down, everybody is selfish. It’s a survival adaptation.” Seishirou nuzzled the top of Subaru’s head. “The measure of how unselfish you are is the degree to which you override that in your actions when the need arises. But wanting your own life, and living your own life, even if it means less people will benefit from it, is your basic human right.”

Subaru thought for a moment, trying to push Seishirou’s nuzzling to a peripheral place in his mind. “…I want to be a zookeeper. You see, I’m already being selfish, I’m already… trying to complete school when I could be using that time to help people, but I’m selfish…”

“Silence. I just answered that, didn’t I?” Seishirou nibbled the top of Subaru’s head. Subaru giggled. “Ah, you’re loosening up a little bit.”

“Seishirou-san!”

“You know what? You get into college and become a zookeeper. I’ll make a deal with you. If you go down that path, I’ll go back to veterinary school and study the care of zoo animals. Do night school, or something, until I get a diploma. I’ll shut down the clinic and work as your partner at the zoo. We’ll be a team.”

Subaru froze. “…are you joking?”

“I swear it.” Seishirou placed his large hand on the center of Subaru’s chest. “I swear on my heart.”

Subaru thought for a moment before hiding behind his hands. Seishirou laughed.

“It’s true. I swear on my heart.”

“Seishirou-san, that’s so… I don’t know…”

“Over the top? Corny?”

“Yes,” Subaru said into his hands.

“I like ‘over the top’ and ‘corny’. It’s the only way to express how much I love you, Subaru-kun. It’s overwhelming. I lose all economy of words where expressing my love is concerned.”

“Sei-shi-rou-san!”

Seishirou laughed as Subaru pulled his bangs, almost hurting his nose because he was clutching so tightly. Calm down. He took deep breaths to calm his heart. Calm. Be serene, like water. Just calm down. He has to stop affecting you like this. Just flow like water. Oh, god, he’s laughing, he’s shaking because he’s laughing. He’s got such a nice laugh… I can feel it through my spine… help.

“You’d really do that for me?” asked Subaru. “You’d… drop everything, your practice, your income, your security?”

“In an instant.”

“It takes so long to build up a practice in this town, and rent is so high… you’d have to move out of your apartment… and you already went to school for so long…”

“I don’t care. When life presents an opportunity, you grasp it. It doesn’t matter what security you lose. Life’s short. This is your one shot. Besides, I’m the only one living on my income, so I can ethically make a transition like that.”

“… I don’t understand you, Seishirou-san.”

“Mm?”

“How you can be so… loose. Break ties so easily. I mean, don’t you ever worry about the future? Security?”

“No, I really don’t. I know that no matter what, I’ll make things turn out all right.”

“I wish I had your courage.”

“Then have it. It’s that simple. And it’s about half fool-heartedness; don’t glorify it so much.” Seishirou sighed and stroked Subaru’s hair, gathering the boy against his chest with his other arm. “You’re too young to think like you do, Subaru-kun. I’ve been through pre-med; I’ve known a lot of physicians and veterinarians who turned out in their late twenties like you’ve turned out at sixteen. I’ve seen a lot of once laid-back and casual people turn uptight and neurotic because so much rested on their shoulders; one slip-up was a life lost or ruined. That neuroticism extended far beyond their practices and into their everyday lives. Taking chances, anything without a set plan and a foothold made them squirm. To them, any chance was selfish; any fall, no matter how minor, and the word ‘failure’, were subconsciously associated with something irredeemable. Those people think if they take a risk, others fall with them, and others will suffer, but that’s not always the case. They became cranky and tense, obsessed with order. I wouldn’t call you cranky by any means, but you are tense as hell…” Seishirou sighed. “You’ve got too much resting on your shoulders too young, Subaru-kun, and I’m afraid it’s going to break you. I’m afraid it’ll beat the life and spirit out of you long before your time. It’s bad enough when it happens to somebody in his thirties, but you’re sixteen. You have to let go. This is your one shot at life. Life’s too short to live like you’re living. Or not living, as the case may be.”

“You sound like Hokuto-chan.”

“Listen to her, then. That young lady has a good head on her shoulders.”

“But somebody has to do it. Somebody has to bear all those burdens, else nobody’d do it. Somebody has to sacrifice for the sake of the many. It’s not fair, but somebody’s got to do it, or everybody’s quality of life would suffer. And I’m proud to help others be happy.”

“You just said you didn’t want this destiny, Subaru-kun. So what is it?”

“I don’t! I… I just want to help people of my own choosing!”

“Because you feel obligated.”

“That’s not it!”

“But what about your own happiness? What about Sumeragi Subaru-kun?”

“It’s fine. I… I don’t know. Helping others truly does make me happy, and I’d be hollow without it, but I want to do it my own way. I mean, I know I can do the most good with my onmyouji skills, but… I guess… I guess I’d be unhappy if I gave that up, because the guilt’d eat me alive. I don’t know, Seishirou-san. I’m all mixed up inside about that. I don’t know what I really want, I guess.”

Seishirou sighed and laced his fingers with Subaru’s gloved fingers, then held their interlocked hands in the flowing water. “I want you to feel the tidal energies. Feel the ocean, Subaru-kun. Feel how it flows.”

“What? Why?”

“Just do it, please. I’m trying to make a point.”

Subaru sighed and closed his eyes. The lukewarm water flowing through his glove was salty, infused with life and energy, flowing, undulating and chaotic. It was liberating. Subaru sighed and relaxed, channeling the flow through his veins to his core. He was well familiar with tidal and water-related energies, but he had forgotten just how soothing they were.

“The ocean is flowing and chaotic; it is entirely fluid movement,” Seishirou murmured into Subaru’s ear. “The energies are confusing, but that is because they are all interconnected. Everything causes everything causes everything else. The same way the beating of a butterfly’s wings today in America can cause a hurricane here tomorrow, so can the slightest change in an undersea life be felt in the currents flowing around us right now. Everything, Subaru-kun, is connected in some way. The effects may be invisible, chaotic, and shattered like a spider-web, seemingly off-aimed and by coincidence, but it is all a result of the energies flowing around us. Physical energy is connected to mental energy is all energy. You just have to go with the flow. Trust in your own flow, and you will end up on your feet in the end. Yes, you do have to work with it; you can’t just sit there and hope your future will come to you. You have to actively pursue it and work for it.”

“…what?”

“Feel it, Subaru-kun. As an onmyouji, and as a human, you’ve been trained to think in terms of opposites, light and dark, good and evil, plus and minus, concrete and abstract, dead and alive, the material plane and the spiritual plane. But, it is humans who restrict their awareness only to poles; it is humans who strive to make order out of this universal flow-of-chaos instead of seeing it as the living whole that it is. It is senseless when divided into pieces, but it means everything when you look at it as one whole. Only in that whole-context does it make sense. You can’t divide a flow into parts. You can’t separate the light from the dark. It all merges together in the movement. Divided, it is nothing, just wayward drops.”

“Uh.”

“Humans have been taught that order is relating things to one another—twisting facts to suit theories, in a sense, and seeing things as versions of other things instead of their own distinct entities—but in reality, life and universal energies are far more chaotic and sensitive to the smallest things than those mentalities would allow you to think. The universe is synchronized. Everything is connected. Everything causes everything else. You can’t isolate and divide causes and effects into their own microcosmic compartments.”

“…um…”

“That’ ;s my very roundabout way of telling you to loosen up and let go, Subaru-kun. The universe isn’t going to shatter if you step out of line.”

“You’re… talking on such a grand scale, though. I’m talking about everyday stuff, my job, the people I help, the—I think you’re missing the point—”

“That is your microcosm.”

“But you just said there were no true microcosms!”

Seishirou laughed and shook his head. “Never mind, never mind. Pursue your dreams, Subaru-kun. Let go and do it. Come on; think about it. We’ll move into an apartment close to the zoo grounds, a nice one, since we can all split rent. We’ll only need two bedrooms if Hokuto-chan wants to live with us.”

“Hokuto-chan and I are used to having our own rooms, but if that would be easier to afford…”

“I was planning on having you sleep with me, Subaru-kun.”

Subaru groaned and buried his face in one hand. Seishirou laughed and lifted their interlocked hands out of the seawater, hugging Subaru possessively again.

“You’re adorable, Subaru-kun. I promise it will be nice. Just think: every day, we can return home to each other and just talk. Or cuddle. Or make out or have earth-shattering sex and wake the neighbors; it really depends on what you want.”

“Seishirou-saaaaan!”

“I promise I’ll be as gentle as possible. Your first time, at least. After that, I have a feeling you’ll become a kinky bastard in bed. I’m looking forward to it.”

“Seishirou-san, that’s enough!”

Subaru groaned, trying unsuccessfully not to mediate too deeply on Seishirou’s offer. Seishirou laughed and nuzzled the back of his head.

“Oh, boy.” Seishirou stroked Subaru’s cheek with the backs of his fingers. “If it wasn’t so dark, I bet I’d see you glowing. You know, if we’re going to be working together and everything, we better not fight much. Else work and home is going to be hell.”

“… I don’t think I could ever fight with you, Seishirou-san.”

“Mmmm. I’m glad.”

“…Seishirou-san?”

“Yes?” < p>“What you were saying about the universe and all… if all that’s true, it’s all chaos… there’s no organization? Is ‘time’ just a human concept for organizing events, distinguishing ‘cause’ from ‘effect’?”

“Linear time may be. It’s a rather long-winded theory. What, do you want to go into theoretical physics? I almost did until I realized I needed a more… practical job.”

“But if there’s no cause and effect… everything may happen at once as far as the universe is concerned, right?”

“That is one school of thought.”

“Then everything’s already happened, maybe?”

“Maybe.”

“Then… is that fate? Or did free will already decide things?”

“Ah…” Seishirou sighed. “Nobody knows, Subaru-kun. You can go in circles with that theory until you go blind. Nobody knows what it is now, fate or free will, that governs things, but what it will be will be decided in 1999.”

“1999?”

“Everything, from the fate of humanity to the very nature of ‘fate’ in space-time—that’s what you were asking, by the way, about whether or not there is free will—will be decided. Everything rests on the decision of one chosen soul.”

“…like, one person?”

“Yes.”

“One human? But what right does one human have to decide the fate of humanity?”

“Don’t look at me. I didn’t orchestrate the system.”

“But, what’s going to happen in 1999? Seishirou-san?” Seishirou did not respond. Subaru sat up straight and twisted around to shake his shoulder. “But… that makes no sense. If there is no ‘time’, there is no future to be decided. It’s already in effect. Right?”

Seishirou did not respond. Subaru sighed, nuzzling further back into Seishirou’s arms and listening contentedly to Seishirou’s heartbeat. Seishirou tightened his embrace and kissed the top of Subaru’s head. The sun was setting; Subaru estimated that it would be dark in about an hour. He sighed and closed his eyes, realizing for the first time that day how utterly exhausted he was.

Subaru didn’t know how long he slept. He vaguely remembered slipping into consciousness after dark, still sitting out in the waves, shivering, both he and Seishirou covered in goose-bumps, and feeling Seishirou fingering around the hems of his gloves. Subaru had made a muffled protest before drifting back into what may have been a dream about them sitting on the beach, for all he knew. It was a restless, exhausted sleep in which one dreams about one’s surroundings, or in which one dreams about waking up several times in the night when that does not actually happen. Subaru remembered Hokuto-chan screaming at Seishirou-san at one point—something about how nice it was that they were getting close, but somebody was going to catch a death of cold—and, the next time he was conscious, being bundled up in towels in the front seat of the vet-van with the heater going full-blast, and with mountain forests and the sheet-metal guard-rail running past the window. When he looked to his right, he saw Seishirou-san driving and smiling to himself, half-sardonically, half-amusedly, the moonlight glaring off his glasses, before falling asleep once again.

It was then that Subaru dreamed briefly of two young boys, both with messy, black hair, and a young girl with golden-brown hair in a torn dress. The younger of the two boys had promised to always protect ‘Kotori’, whom Subaru assumed was the girl, and then, the older of the two boys had hooked the younger boy’s pinky with his own and said “As long as you protect Kotori, I will protect you. That is a promise.” Subaru knew intuitively that these actions had been carried out just hours before; in retrospect, hours before, he had felt a charged, meaningful current in the ocean at a point that he then knew was somehow related.

Subaru woke in a cold sweat in his own bed, shaking and confused. He had zero trouble pushing that dream to the back of his mind after Seishirou’s injury and the end of the ‘bet’ until he met Shirou Kamui seven years later. By that time, though, he knew what Seishirou-san had been talking about at the beach; but, at that point, he never thought he would be so intimately involved in the boys’ personal lives.

----------------------

“But I think… just because we desire ‘free will’, it exists. It’s just a question of whether or not having ‘free will’ is like beating your head against a brick wall or not.”

“That ‘will’, that ‘desire’, may be fated.”

“You’re confusing me, Seishirou-san.”

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1999

You're confusing me, Seishirou-san.

Where did you go? It’s been weeks upon weeks.

Where are you? I miss you so much.

Twenty-three-year-old Sumeragi Subaru sat up from laying flat on his bed and staring at the ceiling, smoking. Yuzuriha was knocking on his door and calling his name.

What are you up to, Seishirou-san? What do you want with Kamui and Fuuma?

“Yes?” he called through the door.

“Subaru-san, I’m sorry to bother you, but Fuuma-chan is back, and you said you wanted to talk to him this afternoon before he got dressed for the dance, didn’t you?”

“Oh… yes.” Subaru sighed heavily, sat up, and extinguished his cigarette in the glass ashtray perched on the edge of his bed. “Thank you. Please ask him to wait for me in the bathroom and to go ahead and fill the tub with ice water.”

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[1] Depeche Mode, "Enjoy the Silence"