Tokyo Babylon Fan Fiction / X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ Lost Souls ❯ VI ( Chapter 6 )

"I'm sorry?" Subaru ventured, looking at Kamui with a mix of confusion and hope. All he knew is, he didn't want Kamui to look like that anymore. It was heartbreaking.

"What?" Kamui looked shocked. "Why are you apologizing?"

"I don't know," Subaru admitted. "You looked upset. I thought I'd apologize just in case I did something wrong. I wish I could remember though, so I'd know what I was apologizing for. I suppose it's not sincere unless...."

He trailed off when he saw Kamui's shoulders were trembling slightly. His eyes were downcast and his bangs concealed his face. Subaru felt so small for being unable to even understand and apologize properly. Whatever was wrong was obviously devastating, because Kamui swiped at his eyes with the back of his sleeve, and the fabric came away wet.

"I'm the one who should be apologizing to you! This is all my fault. I was right there, and I couldn't save you. He was the one that saved you while all I could do was watch. If I'd been able to raise a kekkai--if--" Kamui broke off, unable to speak anymore. He just stood there, the absolute picture of misery, hands balled into fists at his side, tears occasionally dripping from his chin onto his shirt.

Subaru had no words. If he could remember, maybe he could refute Kamui's claim of responsibility. Maybe he could offer words of condolence or commiseration. Maybe he would have the key to saying the right thing to help. And so, Subaru did the only thing he could do. He reached out and touched Kamui's arm comfortingly and said again, "I'm sorry."

Kamui looked up, tears streaming from his eyes--but he finally met Subaru's gaze. There was such a depth of misery there that Subaru knew what had happened this time had to be just the tip of the iceberg. "You're the one who got hurt, but you keep apologizing. Why?"

"If I knew what happened, I could just forgive you. I wish I could, but anything I say now would be empty to you. I'm alive though, and you're alive, so anything that may have happened can be made up for, if necessary." He was reaching. He had no idea what to say about any of this, but-- "I just hate seeing you like this. I wish there was more I could say."

Kamui finally sat down--though it was more like his knees finally refused to support him any longer. "You've done so much for me since--since I made my decision." It looked like even saying that much was too painful to bear, so Subaru decided not to ask questions. "I thought Fuuma was going to kill you to get out of the kekkai, and all I could do was watch while I was pinned to the wall. I'm supposed to be the most powerful, I'm supposed to save humanity, and I can't even save the people I care about."

This time Subaru let the silence in the room hang. He reached out again to Kamui, and the teenager grabbed onto his hand like it was a lifeline. They stayed like that for a while, and Subaru uttered kind words that really didn't mean a thing. They were just the usual sounds of comfort. "It's okay," was said the most. He couldn't remember what else he said, and it didn't matter. Kamui finally let himself be comforted and lulled into a space where he could talk calmly.

"The first time we met, you saved me from myself. I was hurt so badly, and I'd seen too much. I couldn't face the world, and I went Within myself and hid. Or, I thought I was hiding. Maybe I was wallowing. I saw it over and over and within my mind it felt like eternity had passed while I watched my best friend kill the girl I--his sister. They were the only thing I had left that was remotely like family. I couldn't stop watching it happen. And, suddenly, something changed. There was someone else there, and--" He broke off, taking a deep breath. He closed his eyes briefly before he could speak again. "You found me even when I tried to hide, and you told me that I should rejoin the real world. You didn't tell me I had to, you made sure I knew it was my choice, but you said that if I stayed like this that nothing would begin, and nothing would end. I wanted to stay there. I couldn't imagine being able to go on with life after what had happened. No one was that strong, and there could be no hope."

Kamui was beyond tears at this point. Everything he had said had been recited in a somewhat flat tone, as if Kamui couldn't quite let himself feel any of it yet. Subaru couldn't blame him. If he'd seen something like that--if something like that happened to him....

"But you told me what happened to you."

Subaru's blood ran cold. No. Nothing like that could have happened...

"You let me see it all. Or, the parts you had seen in your vision. You told me about Seishirou-san, and what happened to your sister--"

Kamui broke off with a gasp, and Subaru realized he'd suddenly clutched Kamui's hand a bit too tightly for comfort. Especially for someone who'd obviously suffered injuries to his arms recently...so he let go entirely, not trusting himself to touch Kamui at all right now. "Hokuto. What happened to Hokuto-chan?" he asked in choked horror.

Oh, but it was obvious. They'd been talking about losing someone important to you. Kamui mentioned it was his best friend who had killed the girl in question, and Subaru felt the cold fingers of dread wrap around his heart and squeeze.

Kamui didn't answer at first. His violet eyes were large and watery again, on the verge of tears but too shocked to let them actually fall. Every moment that Kamui stared at him like that, Subaru's fear grew exponentially. Within himself he prayed that this wasn't happening, wishing and hoping when he knew there could be no hope.

"You don't remember it."

Subaru's hand went to his mouth in denial. Kamui still hadn't said it.

"She died, nine years ago. You had gone Within when--"

"No." It was a flat and universal denial. This could not have happened. He couldn't accept it. He couldn't let Kamui keep talking, because this would be too much to take.

"I'm sorry."

And that was it. He could deny it no longer.

"How? Why?" Some part of his mind played back what Seishirou had said last night.

...no matter what your grandmother says...

She hadn't said a word though. After nine years, how could she imagine that Subaru would forget his sister's death?

...or what your friends say...

Seishirou had known this would come up. He'd left with a warning about just this. Why?

...no matter what you remember...

Because, there was no way around realizing what Seishirou meant. There was no way to misunderstand those words. He knew what would have to come to light, and had been too much of a coward to say it himself.

...I love you...

"He killed her. Instead of me."

The silence hung heavy in the air, and Kamui just stared miserably at his friend before he could even move.

"Yes."

It was Subaru's turn to break down and cry.