Trigun Fan Fiction ❯ Anomie ❯ When I See You Wanting Him ( Prologue )

Anomie

By Darkangel Rose

A/N: A stream-of-consciousness poem about Knives from the POV of Legato Bluesummers. Knives X Vash and a little Knives Legato implied. Hints of sexuality, but nothing graphic. And don't get discouraged by the beginning. It gets better quickly. Reviews would be *greatly* appreciated.



keep on twisting

keep him dancing

keep me movin'

never let go

of the dream that you cherish

your soul in a shell

turn your mind and

twist it deeper

into despair



you don't even know what's up and down anymore



because the voice is there it's there and you

feel it so

pull the strings

push me farther



pervert your soul

beat it to submission and feed that hunger

that you don't admit but

you know it's there you know

what you want so

keep him dancing

and drive me over the edge

again



you can feel him i know you

hear him in your dreams

but why do you keep me then?



you watch him dancing

but oh i know you know it's not enough

no

no

never enough never enough for the hunger

hunger in you for him you want him so much

so much

want him under you

your dream of completion

and you want it so much that the desire

corrupts you even more

and you crave to be fed.



you are perfect crystal

a soulless angel

you know all of this is so wrong

so wrong but you cannot stop looking cannot

tear your eyes away from him and he's dancing

again and a quiet child wonders why you come here



so eat him up

with your ice eyes and think

about all those things

all those things you want so much

you want for him and you and

the hunger hurts you with its teeth

but you resist and

punish me...



It gives you chills to think of him and

watch the way he moves his body

you know you want it, Knives

you know you do

so why not why not

(just one night)

take him?



You know he belongs to you in all

meanings of the word and you know

you should take him but

what is that feeling

inside you in that bitter void that

used to be your soul when he looks

right over you and doesn't even

-- falter?



And tell yourself that it's just

lust

just desire that can't be sated

by nightclub visits and nights of

endless dreams

of his breath on your neck

and if it's only attraction



what



is



this





ache?



he looked at you again tonight

and the waitress doesn't even ask

"what drink do you want sir?"

because you've come here every night

every night that he dances

slow sultry dream of your heart

heart?



you have a heart Knives

you have one

it is there



do you think that you love him, Knives?

do you?



could you love him?

could you ever be so foolish again?



You remember Knives, I know you do

Remember what happened before

before when there wasn't this horrible

darkness when you were still so small

and the world was so big and

there was nothing to worry about

and no voice

and no thinking

and no blood on your hands and

you still remember how

he loved you.



You ruined it Knives

you know it was you because

even when you found him it was

just a bit too late for you

by the time you could say you loved him it was

too late

too late you were already broken

already falling into that hole

(sickness of the mind)



you couldn't be the prey anymore

no

no

never again would you let them do that to you so

you made yourself a wall and

threw him out because

he saw you too well and he knew you

so well because

you are the same one

and one make two

two the perfect

match

the perfect pair.



you found me after the transformation and

i 've never known the real you and

for so long i just wanted you

wanted you as my God

my Master

my Lover

but now i know i'm just a

replacement

always a replacement for him

and i don't want to be in your way.



it's so late and they've stopped dancing

and he walks over to you with that kind look on his face

he was always so kind that even now it sickens you and

he smiles and asks if you need anything

and you think that yes you need something you need it

so much that it's ripping you up

and he is so close to you

he hasn't been this close to you for

so many years...



you look at him and his aquamarine eyes are

so full of light and you feel like a black hole

and you want to draw him in and

let him fill you up but even more you want to

pull him against you and kiss him hard and make him remember

remember like you still do even though

it's been so many lifetimes

and he's forgotten

so long ago but you --

you're trapped in the memory.



so just stare at him with azure eyes and hope it says enough.



"excuse me sir but do i know you?"

he asks with a little nervous smile

and you relax just a little because

it's HIS voice and you remember HIS voice

so vividly from all those dreams and

so you grin again and he sits down and starts to babble

on and on about déjà vu

and he's so innocent and different from you

he just loves everyone he meets

and it's not the words that matter to you

all you know right now is

the silky smooth voice and the lure of his lips.



you nod a little as slowly each dancer begins to leave

clapping the man on the back occasionally

a comradry thing you guess and

you feel just a little twinge of hatred and jealousy

and your fists clench but you calm down

for him

because he is here and you've waited for this

too long to ruin it.



so he begins to ask you a little

but you don't want to talk right now because

so many things are going through your head right now

and doubt is out of the question so

noticing your silence he chatters more

and more about his life

and being a dancer

and love

and all those thing only he talks about to a total stranger



(that what he thinks what he thinks of you/ Knives

he thinks you're a stranger/he doesn't even know us)



his movements are so graceful and with every little gesture

you ache for him more and you want him

so badly you can hardly breath because

the passion is burning in you but

he is so totally oblivious.



"you really don't recognize me then?"

you rasp out this sentence words

haven't come out of you lips in so long

it is strange to hear your own voice again isn't it Knives?



"no" he says "no"

he says no and he

doesn't know

... it hurts you worse than all the scars



"but i think i might"

he continues

"it's like something important i may have forgotten

but i cannot bring myself to

recall..."



"so important..." you mumble but words are not the natural thing for you

they never really were

were they Knives?

so instead you take that risk

you feed that hunger

you silence the voice and fulfill the dream

with a bruising kiss.



and at first he resists

just a bit

and it's as if you can hear his mind and

it's trying to figure out why

this feels so right feels

so right

but he knows deep in his soul it's oh so wrong

but perfect

too.



and slowly he begins to kiss you back

(Vashu...)



and the darkness binds you

your passion released

heart beating truly for the first time in so long

and your mind is quiet

and you find yourself spending what must be forever

in this heavenly

intimacy.