Trigun Fan Fiction ❯ Big Red Hooded Milly and the Wolf ❯ The Story ( One-Shot )

I don't own "TRIGUN" and any of its characters!! But this fic. Is mine all mine!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Cough cough!! I apologize for my horrible grammar!

Big Red-hooded Milly and the Wolf

Once upon a time, long a go, on a distant planet, there lived an old bitchy (
"Bitchy…how true!! HEH HEH!!" laughs Vash) woman named Meryl ("Old bitchy woman…VASH….Grrr!! I'm not old!", screams an angry Meryl while bitch slapping Vash.) and her daughter, Big Red-hooded Milly!!

"Are you calling me fat?" cried a fuming Milly. The authoress hands the tall insurance girl some pudding. Instantly, the brown haired girl forgets she's angry!

She was called "Big Red-hooded Milly" because she wore a red hooded cloak, and she was really tall.

Vash and Meryl: "No Duh!"

One day, Meryl receives a letter from Grandma Marlin, who has a bad hango…err…I mean…came down with the flu and was in need of some food and medicine.

"Hey, how come I have to be the grandma?" says the gun smith. Lady Authoress hands a six pack of malt liquor to the man. He chugs all the bottles down!! "I'll give you more booze if you behave!! Ok?" says the writer of this story. "Hic…ok!!! Weeeeeeee!!" proclaims the drunk.

"Milly, please take this basket of booz…err…food and medicine to your grandmother! The path to her house leads deep into the forest where there are evil wolves lurking about. Make sure you stay on the path to her house and don't talk to strangers." lectures the old bitchy lady "AND I'M NOT OLD AND BITCHY!!"

"Yes, Mama!!" Milly says ecstatically (apparently hyper from the pudding.) She quickly hugs the short girl ("Oh, now I'm a short girl!" says Meryl sarcastically.) and grabs the basket of alco…goodies, then heads toward the path to grandmothers house.

"Follow the yellow brick road. Follow the yellow brick road! Follow, follow, follow, follow, and follow the yellow brick road…" Big Red-Hooded Milly sings while skipping down the path.

"Erm..Milly…wrong story!! Oh, never mind!!" sighed the authoress.

Suddenly, she comes across a very handsome blond woodcutter.

Vash quickly hands Authoress a bag full of money.

Meryl grunts, "No fair, he bribed the authoress!!"

"Aww, `The Short One' is jealous" said Vash in his cute voice.

"No, I'm not!"

Ahem…as I said…our heroine comes across a gorgeous hunky wood cutter.

Meryl rolls her eyes

"Why hello, Big Red-hooded Milly!" says Vash in a manly tone.

The tall lady whips out her stun gun from under her cloak and aims it at the sexy gunman.

"Hey, that's not in the script…MILLY!" said a very ticked off writer.

"But he was calling me FAT?"

"Milly, he called you BIG RED-HOODED Milly which is your character's name. Now if I hear any more disruptions I'm going to write in Sponge Bob into this fic!"

EVERYONE YELLS, "NOOOOOOO!"

"Ok, then! No interruptions, GOT IT!"

Everyone silently nods their heads in agreement, "YES MAM!"

Great…so Milly meets the woodcutter, who was a close family friend….

"Hi, Mr. Va…I mean Woodcutter. I'm on my way to Grandmothers house. She's really sick and is in need of some medicine."

"Oh, well, take care not to stray from yonder path. Dere are wolves in deese here woods. Dey be dangerous, so I'd be careful! But if ya do git in trouble, give me a hollar and I'd come and help ya!" says Vash in a really bad hillbilly accent.

"I really wasn't going for a hill billy accent…sigh!" said the ticked off writer.

"Erm..ok! Thanks for the advice!" said the pudding loving girl.

So, the red cloaked one continues her way down the path, going deeper and deeper into the woods.

Suddenly, a man in a black suit and fluffy ears appears out of now where leaning across a tree, that was along the path. He lights up a fresh, but crooked, cigarette.

"Well, fancy meeting a pretty lady here, deep in these woods! Where are you off to?" said the sly priest in wolfs clothing.

"Umm…Mr. Wolfwood, why aren't you wearing the rest of the costume??" asked the authoress.

"It's too itchy, plus it's very flammable?" as he says this he lights up another cigarette.

"SIGH! Considering his addiction to nicotine, I'll let this go. At least he has the ears on…let's continue!!"

"I'm sorry, but Mama Meryl said I'm not supposed to talk to strangers."

"Come now, I'm a man of the cloth."

"Well, it doesn't matter if you're a tailor, I'm not supposed to talk to you!" said Milly sternly.

The man in black's eye begins to twitch. "I'm a priest!"

"I wonder if that was Milly talking or her character…!" Wolfwood says to himself silently.

"Oh, that makes sense. I was wondering why a tailor would wear cross cuff links. Well, maybe a religious tailor would wear them. Nonetheless, I shouldn't trust priests!!. Especially, during these times!! I heard stories ya know!"

"HEY, I'M NOT THAT KIND OF A PRIEST!!!! I LIKE CHILDREN!! Umm, wait a minute, that came out wrong!" The wolf man thinks for a second. " I take care of orphans and would never harm them any way both physically and mentally!"

"Sheesh, a person has to be politically correct now a days!" said the holy guy who doesn't cause any harm to children, what so ever.

The red hooded one looks the wolf priest straight in his eyes. "Well, you seem like a decent fellow." 'And he's kind a cute, too!!' Milly thoughtfully noted.

"Well, at least let me know where are you off to? Looks to me you are quite in a hurry to get there!"

"If you must know, I'm off to see my sick grandmother and give her this basket full of goodies!" replied the tall girl.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that your grandmother's ill." The wolf ponders a bit as if he had some dubious plan in his mind. "Hmm, well look at that. Aren't these flowers along the path lovely! I bet these would cheer the old lady up."

"Why that's a splendid idea!!" Milly says ecstatically. "Grand Mama, would love these, especially these pretty mushrooms!"

Milly bends down and collects some flowers and a couple of mushrooms. As she does this, the wolf quickly disappears in to the forest.

"Yes, that will buy me some time. I'll get to `Grand Mama's' house before her and then…" He then licks his lips, hungrily thinking about his plans.

When he reaches the house, he gently knocks on the door.

"Hic…who's there?" said Grandma Marlin.

"It is I, your sweet granddaughter, Big Red Hooded Milly!" said Nicholas in a really bad falsetto. Luckily Grand Mama was too drun…I mean…ill to recognize it was not Milly.

"Hic…Ya the door's open! Now hand over the booze!"

"…" said the authoress. "I'll take what I can get!"

The wolf from the woods walks in and freaks out!

"Hey! You're not supposed to freak out!" cried the writer.

"You'd freak out if you saw Frank Marlin in drag. It's a scary sight!!" said a disgusted Wolfwood. "My eyes! My eyes!! THE HORROR!!!!"

"Well, aren't you over exaggerating a bit!" Then, the authoress takes a look at Marlin and turns away in revulsion. "I guess you have a point! Ok, let just get on with the story!"

So, the wolfish priest-who has a blind fold on-picks up `Grand Mama,' and throws him in the cellar.

"Hey, there's booze down here! YIPPEEEEE" said a very happy Grandma Marlin. "Damn, this is good hooch! HIC!"

"Now, with that idiot out of the way, I can prepare for that scrumptious red hooded girl's arrival."

The wolf quickly throws on some of Granny's clothing and hops into bed.

After some time, he hears a rapping on his chamber door.

"Quotes the kitty.." says Vash

"Nevermore!" said Koroneko, the black cat.

"Grrr…you guys!!!!!" hollered a fuming authoress.

"Sorry I couldn't resist!! Vash says this while hiding behind the cat.

Again with disguised wolf starts up with his bad falsetto. "Is that you, my dear sweet granddaughter?"

Milly assumes the reason Granny's voice sounding odd was due to her flu. "Yes, Grand Mama it is I, Big Red Hooded Milly!"

"The door is open, Honey, come on in!" said the priest dressed in drag.

Wolfwood just rolls his eyes. `If it wasn't for the year supply of cigarettes I would never agree to do this!' he said silently in his thoughts! Apparently, this is a fic and a character's thoughts are always written (or in this case typed) down.

"Doh!"

The tall lady slowly walks in and sets the picnic basket, mushrooms, and flowers on a nearby table.

"I hope you like sandwiches! They're really goo…" She quickly notices how different Granny looks.

"Why Grand Mama, what big eyes you have?" question the red hooded one.

The wolf tips his glasses down to reveal his dark blue eyes.

"The better to see you with, my dear!"

Milly comes closer to the bed. The wolf quickly grabs hold of the girl and places her on his lap.

"Why Grand Mama, what big hands you have?"

"Well, the better to hold you with, my dear!" As he says this he puts his arms around her.

"Why Grand Mama, what a big nose you have?"

"It's not that big. Sure, it's a different shape, but..sob!" said a hurt Wolfwood, with apparent tears in his eyes.

"Aww, Mr. Priest, I really don't think your nose is big. I think it's adorable!" said a blushing Milly.

"Really? You think so?"

"YUP!"

You're so nice Milly!"

"Umm…this is cute, but can we get to story!" said the authoress sarcastically.

"Oh…right!" said the two.

"Well, the better to smell you with, my dear! And, darling, you do smell nice!" said the wolf a grin, showing a bit of his pearly whites.

"Thanks!" said Milly, who still has a bit of reddening upon her cheeks. She also notices the grin.

"And Grand Mama, what big teeth you have?"

Wolfwood quickly jumps out of bed, pushes the authoress and Marlin out of the cottage, and locks the door. With his back against the door, he looks at a confused Milly. He has this huge fiendish smile across his face.

He raises one of his eyebrows and says, "WHY ALL THE BETTER TO EAT YOU WITH MY DEAR…" He quickly jumps back into the bed with Milly. "…AND HE DOES!! THE END!!!!"

Meanwhile….

The authoress and a passed out Marlin are sitting outside the cottage. The authoress looks a bit angry and confused at the same time. She suddenly sees Vash in his woodcutter's costume carrying a huge axe coming their way.

"Hey, I was supposed burst in, beat up the wolf (since I'm opposed to killing), and save Milly! Why did the story just suddenly end?"

"You don't want to know and you don't want to go inside! SIGH!"

THE END!