Trigun Fan Fiction ❯ Crosses to Bear ❯ One-Shot

First of all, none of the characters in this story belong to me. Second, this is my first Trigun fic, so please be gentle with the reviews!

Crosses To Bear
By Esor

I once swore that I would never allow a child to suffer. But Zazie's not a child, is he? He's a Gung-Ho Gun, a murderer, a demon. So what I'm about to do isn't really breaking my vow. Right, Nicolas. Keep telling yourself that. Maybe someday you'll actually believe it, along with all the other lies you've been telling yourself for the past few years. With practiced skill and frightening ease, I aim at his chest. Straight through the heart, clean and quick. He still hasn't noticed me yet. I hesitate. Maybe, Vash will get through to him. Maybe he'll stop and...no, who am I kidding. Zazie will slaughter everyone if I don't do something. I force myself to pull the trigger, saying a silent prayer for mercy on both our souls. In a split second, it's over. He doesn't even know what hit him, the surprise frozen on his face as the spark of life drains from his eyes.

Vash walks up to me, and our eyes meet. He's angry. He grabs my shirt and tells me that I'm wrong, that Zazie didn't have to die. I try to explain calmly, but he doesn't listen. Does he think that was easy for me? I just sacrificed another piece of whatever rotten excuse for a soul that I have left to save his life, and this is how he thanks me! My own frustration and guilt boil forth to the surface as I punch Vash to the ground. I didn't want to do it. I had no choice, dammit! I did what I had to do to save you, Meryl and those kids.

Then, I look up. Milly's staring at me with those big, beautifully expressive eyes of hers. Usually, I savor every chance I get to gaze into those pools of aqua green. But this time, they aren't filled with mirthful joy or even searing anger. They're marred by shock, hurt, and disappointment. A wave of guilt overcomes me. She's always been so kind and gentle. Even in this dangerous world of criminals and psychopaths, she carries a non lethal weapon. She's probably the closest thing to an angel that this sinner will ever see. Scratch that. She is an angel. Once I even entertained the foolish notion that maybe we could share a life together. But no. My hands are too bloody to ever touch her. I close my eyes to hold back the few tears that threaten to spill down my cheek. Funny, I thought I ran out of tears a long time ago.

Vash speaks again. He wipes a trail of blood from the corner of his mouth as he tells me of a world of peace. A world that Milly deserves. A world that I can't build for her. A world that I have no right to be a part of. The guilt briefly gives way to anger. I can't listen to his idealistic crap right now. Not with her standing right there. Not with Zazie's body, cold and still, laying mere feet away. Not with my own shame eating away inside of me like a cancer. I lift the cross, it's weight familiar and comforting on my shoulder, and walk away. My head hangs low as I walk by Milly and the children, the guilt once again welling to the surface. I can't even look at her as pass. I don't deserve to.

Sometimes I almost wish that I had never met any of them. Vash, Meryl or even Milly. I wish that I had never come face to face with someone so pure and innocent. That way I could have continued lying to myself until the day I died. I wouldn't have had to take a long, hard look at the darkened pit within myself. But it's too late now. I can't ignore her even if I wanted to. That tall, brown haired, green eyed goddess owns a piece of my heart. You know, I once read in the good book that we all have our own crosses to bear. Mine isn't the gleaming metal arsenal wrapped in cloth, straps, and buckles. My cross is the guilt, shame, and self loathing that I have to live with everyday of my life. But if that's the cost of loving her, then it's a cross that I gladly bear.

I love you, my honey. Too bad I'll never be worthy enough to tell you that.