Trigun Fan Fiction ❯ Forsaken ❯ Forsaken ( One-Shot )

FORSAKEN

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Well, my first songfic, I hope everyone likes. This is shounen-ai, technically, and has massive ***spoilers*** since it takes place after the series. The song is "Forsaken" by VnV Nation.

~Neko NoSei~

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For thirty years I have plotted to bring down the party... I was sick in mind and body.

Vash had stared at the old, abandoned plant for an hour before forcing his way inside the rusty structure.

He thought back on his life and realized just how much of it was consumed with stopping what his brother and his underlings inflicted on the innocent people of Gunsmoke. He had to wonder why.

What place was it of his to defend these people? They would have been just as massacred had he not been there to try and help. Maybe some of them would have been better off. He would never know.

Except for Wolfwood...

When I have nothing left to feel.

I've cried so many tears over his death, he thought, his steps echoing against the skeleton of the plant's metal walls. I've born so much pain at losing him. I have bled my emotions through ever pore in my body: sorrow, depression, love, regret, even hatred.

When I have nothing left to say

Vash hadn't spoken since he had brought Knives back from his garden. That was when the true weight of Nicholas had hit him. He had been so distracted by his enemies, by his need to repay them for Nicholas, that he hadn't allowed himself to fully mourn.

He had pushed away the girls. Milly had asked questions through his bedroom door. Why, she had asked, why was he locking himself inside, why was he staying away. Finally, after months, she had broken down into tears herself, had even got angry. She had loved him too. It wasn't like he was the only one hurting. Meryl would never understand...

Meryl didn't. She never even bothered to try to talk to him, through the door or otherwise. She had screamed at him once, if that counted, to stop being selfish and rejoin the human race. It only caused Vash to be thankful of staying inside.

I'll just let this slip away.

Inside the plant's heart, the glass orb that glowed with subtle light, the being there stirred, her face confused and suddenly full of sorrow at the sight of him. She touched her hand to the glass and Vash mirrored her, but shook his head as her face neared, her face questioning him.

He leaned his forehead against the glass and he could feel her touch her own against it, even through the cold barrier. Then he felt her inside his mind, questing, though gently, for what he would not tell her otherwise.

He had resigned to his fate only days before, it had dawned on him suddenly while staring at the moon. His thought were filled with Nick, they were always filled with Nick... And then he knew what to do.

The Plant pulled away quickly, her face wide with surprise and she shook her head. No, she told him, no... not for him.

Vash sighed and pulled away from the glass, she couldn't know. This was how it had to be. But she did seem to know, because she pointed to the control room and kissed the glass like a mother to her child, where his forehead had been.

He walked into the control room, shutting tight the door behind him. No one could stop him now from what he would do.

I feel these engines power down.

Vash's finger moved over the faintly glowing keys, covered in a layer of dust. The plant sprung to life, the being at it's heart fueling it's power for no one but Vash now, for one last purpose that only they knew.

A light began to flash: Danger of overload.

I feel this heart begin to bleed

Inside Vash's chest his heart constricted and the pain began to pour out again. Tear welled up in his eyes, as in his heart, and streaked glistening trails down his pale cheeks.

He slid down the metal wall beside the control panel and joined the dust on the floor.

God, Nick, why did I have to love you? Regardless of how hard it would have been for us. No matter how wrong people may have thought it. Even with how different we were in mind and body. Why did it have to be you?

As I turn this burning page

Vash pulled the paper from his jacket, the one scrawled with words full of pain and stained with the ghosts of tears.

He was going to leave it for the girls... but he didn't. They didn't need the warning. And they didn't need an excuse from him. Milly didn't need any ideas for the same pain she bore and Meryl didn't need to rave about how stupid Vash was for letting it get to him when he had a "perfectly good woman right here."

He fished a lighter from his coat and flipped it open, lighting it. Holding up the paper, with creases where it had been folded, over it until the corner caught, then he dropped it to the floor. He tossed the lighter aside, the dust causing it to go out.

He stared at the letter, he could see where the ink had bled through the back even as the flame began to eat across it. Without thought, he reached down and turned the page over, catching the last bit of words before the flame burned it away.

Please forgive me if I bleed.
Please forgive me if I breathe.
I have words I need to say.
Oh so very much to say.
And who's life do I lead?
And who's blood do I bleed?
Who's air do I breathe?
With who's skin now do I feel?

I'm supposed to walk away from here...

But he couldn't, was what he had tried to say.

Am I supposed to walk away from here?

But I won't.

He looked up at the metal door, shut tight. He wouldn't be leaving this now. No turning back from the grave you make for yourself.

And who's life do I lead?
Who's blood do I bleed?
Who's air do I now breathe?
I'm convinced there's nothing more.

All he had done in his life had brought him to this point. Who was he? He didn't know anymore. Once, if you had asked him, he would have told you he was Vash. Another time he would have told you he was Vash the Stampede. Yet another time he would have told you he was just a gunman. But was he any of those?

He thought he had been doing so much good. That he was protecting something. What a great job, he thought bitterly.

The day you died I lost my way.
The day you died I lost my mind.

I could have saved you, Nick... I could followed you into that church, I could have made sure you stayed alive.

He shook his head. No... I could have left you untainted by my thoughts and philosophies. I could have left you be with the way you are. And then you would still be here.

You know, he thought, since I got back from fighting my brother... I haven't defended anyone. I haven't tried to protect or do good... Rem was wrong, you know, my brother had more the right idea, even though he was wrong in the end too. I'm not the immortal protector of Gunsmoke...

Not without you there.

And now all I can do is think about you and nothing else. Damn you.

What am I supposed to do?
Is there something more?

But am I wrong, too? Am I missing something? Am I really being selfish? Could I have changed things...? Is this right...? Will you be there when I die?

The engines power down.

The ground and walls shook with a deep reverberation as the power began the make the plant buckle, the joints and wheels overworked.

Like a soldier to his end I go.
Because I'm convinced
That there is nothing more.

Vash pushed himself off the floor and stood up straight, taking a deep breath. Right or wrong didn't matter anymore, this is how it had to happen. There was no point in living for him, now, because he had died.

And who's life do I lead
And who's air do I breathe?
With who's skin and who's blood do I feel?

The plant shook again, causing Vash to stumble. He touched his hands to the door, feeling the cold stark against his hands, then he pushed the button and it opened.

He took careful steps back to the heart of the plant, seeking reassurance.

What happens now?
Have I done something wrong?

The Plant was stretched out, arms outspread to feed every bit of power she could to the mechanical thing she was nestled inside, but she moved to him again when she felt him near, her face a soothing smile.

Everything was all right, she said, they would go together. She had no more people to serve, no more beings to love, except for the one she was about to die beside. We are brothers and sister in the end, loyal to each other, and sympathetic, she told him, your brother will learn that. Your lesson is ended, maybe learned too well, because now you will die for it. But you die for love and you die for pain, and none can say you didn't feel.

Forgive my need to bleed right now
Please forgive my need to breathe

He began to cry again, choking on the air thick with dust, as he leaned against the glass, feeling her hand touch his cheek.

But I've so much to say
And it wouldn't matter anyway.
You're not here to hear these words that I must say

His voice strained to work after so long, but he failed in the end. What could he say? He could only apologize to the other Plant for doing this. Anyone else he would speak to was not there to listen.

And I'm convinced inside
That there is nothing more

The plant was now shaking violently and it was almost constant, shards of metal fell from the partial roof. He was shaken to the floor.

Who's life do I lead?
Who's air do I breathe
Who's blood do I now bleed?
With who's skin now do I feel?

Vash's eyes fixated on a particular shard next to his hand before he settled down, sitting on the floor with his back to the glass.

H picked it up and ran a finger over the edge, it looked so sharp. His fingertip split and seeped red at the touch. It was sharp, for sure.

He trailed the tip of the shard over his palm, leaving a pin trail of crimson, before he slashed across his wrist.

It was so easy, he thought with slight surprise as the blood flowed from the deep slice and fell down his arm, droplets glaring a bright red against the dark blue steel of the floor.

He continued to cut, one arm, then the other. He felt little pain from it, it was better than how his heart felt. Better than the painful void in his chest. Anything was better than that, nothing could compare to it.

I have nothing left to say.
I have nothing left to feel.

The blood was not really his, he thought, the skin only paper. It was too easy to slice it through, too much blood for him to live. And his heart transferred its pain to the wounds, how much better that felt. it was almost soothing to know that as the blood left, the pain when with it. At least the pain that mattered.

Am I supposed to let this go now,
Let darkness come and take you away?

But now the world was turning fuzzy. The plant all by disappeared into darkness, with nothing but the eerie light of the heart from behind him, like the glow from a pool into the night.

Now he started to panic. But maybe I shouldn't die? Maybe this really isn't the right thing to do?

Maybe there is nothing after death, maybe this is all there is. Maybe my memory is the only thing that makes you exist. I don't want to lose that too... Oh, Nick, that's not how I want it to be.

This isn't how I want it to be.

When you're frightened of dying and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away.

In the endless darkness before his eyes something started to form, something with leathery wings that spread across the abyss and horns that spiraled mockingly toward heaven. The skin was reddish brown, like blood beginning to dry, and it clawed fingers were sliding up his cut and bloody arms.

It was time to die.

"No!" The word tore from Vash's throat. "No, this isn't how it's supposed to be!"

He tried to pull away from the demonic thing, but he was already pressed against the glass.

The devil tried to smile, a frightening visage with the eerie light from behind Vash.

"No! No! NO!"

Then he felt the gentle warmth behind him as the Plant touched him through the encasing glass and he felt very suddenly calm.

But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth.

This was had been his choice... And if this was how it ended, it was his fault. His eyes shut as he surrendered.

That's when the feathers brushed his cheek and he couldn't help but open his teal eyes. He saw deep blue ones that were so incredibly familiar.

What had once been leather wings were feathered ones, though they weren't white, they were a tarnished white. Vash smiled, that was so like Nicholas.

He looked much the same as life, though Vash had never pictured him as an angel, with the shaggy dark hair and tanned skin.

Where the devil's hands had been, there were now Nicholas', and they moved up Vash's arms and around his back, until they had wrapped completely around the outlaw, pulling him gently up off the ground.

"Come on, needle-noggin," he said lovingly, but with his trademark smirky smile.

Vash finally felt a release from the pain and anguish he had felt in living and he would never turn back again. This was heaven, after all.

~Owari~