Trigun Fan Fiction ❯ Pain and Love ❯ Inside the Mind of Meryl Stryfe ( Chapter 1 )

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Me: Woo-hoo! Another story!

Vash: Whatever happened to "A Change of Life"? I never got to have any se- (Meryl punches Vash in the head). I mean I never got any action! (runs away to avoid the wrath of Meryl)

Me: (mumbles) Idiot…

Knives: I second that.

Me: KNIVES!!! (jumps into his arms) I still love ya! Even though Miroku, Spike, Kib-

Knives: OOokay…I get your point. (starts kissing me)

Me: Before we get (kiss) into any of (kiss) this, I've got to (kiss) to the disclaimer

Disclaimer: I do not own (keep your pants on!) Trigun or any (dammit I'm almost finished!) of its characters ([purrs] now you may continue Knivesy-babe...)

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Chapter One: Inside the Mind of Meryl Stryfe

Meryl's POV

I stared out into the vastness of this desert planet from my window. I hear a familiar masculine voice along with the playful squeals of children. Glancing downwards, I see a tall, blond haired man playing dodge ball with the town's children. My lips slightly curve upwards.

It has been about a year since Vash came back to Milly and me with his brother Knives slung over his shoulder. I had kept my composure of course but inside I felt my heart elate to new heights. I thought this time I would tell him the truth. I remember the courage building up inside of me and I thought that that day would be the day I would confess to him my true feelings for him. Well, I thought wrong. When I had approached him, I felt all my determination and courage flush down the toilet and I backed away. I'm glad I did.

I had returned to my room that day and I'd contemplated my feelings for Vash. There was no way in hell it could've worked out between us. There were just too many complications. For one thing, I was a human and he was a plant. He would definitely outlive me. That was only half of the reason why I couldn't confess. The other half of my reason was Knives. To this day, Knives had recovered extremely fast and well. No one knew if he would turn back into the murdering machine that he used to be. For that reason, I couldn't be another burden on Vash. He has so much to deal with already. I didn't want to be in his way.

All of a sudden I gasped out slightly in pain and clutched my heart. I shiver a bit and relax. That has been happening to me for the past couple of weeks. It always happens when I think of Vash. I bite my lip to keep my tears in. It's not fair! Why did I have to fall in love with him? It was painful to be so in love with someone that you could never have.

I shuffle away from my window and lay across my bed staring at the ceiling. For the past couple of months, my demeanor had changed. No longer was I the bitchy, irritated insurance girl. I had become silent and calm unless Knives pushed my buttons the right way. The bastard. Always getting me worked up. Everyone noticed my change. Milly would look at me strangely and ask if I was all right and all. Of course I said yes but that was far from the truth. A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts.

"Meryl? It's me Milly." I sat up from my bed and straightened out my clothes.

"Come in," I said and Milly stepped inside. She made her way towards me and sat down beside me.

"Is everything all right?" asked Milly quietly. I nodded my head. "You don't need to lie to me you know." I snapped my head towards her. Her eyes were like a truth serum. I sighed.

"I'm not all right," I said. I took one of my pillows and hugged it. For someone who's twenty-five years old you sure don't act like it.

"Would you like to talk about it?" I didn't answer her. "It's about Vash isn't it?" My eyes began to water and I felt the ache in my chest throb. Milly sighed and placed a hand on my back. "You need to tell him Meryl. It's not good to keep it bottled up inside of you. Just tell him the you lo-"

"I can't!" I cried. "I can't tell him!"

"Why not Meryl? Why can't you just follow your heart?" Milly asked roughly. I stood up and faced her.

"Because there are too many complications Milly," I ranted. Milly sat patiently as I rambled off. "He can never know. If I tell him, he'll either reject me or leave with Knives and I don't want him to do either." Milly tried to get a word in but I cut her off. "Vash has enough to deal with already. It's my fault that I let myself fall in love with him. I'd rather suffer the consequences in silence rather than dragging him along too." I took a deep breath. Milly stared back at me sadly.

"Don't you want Vash to love you?" Tear drops streamed down my face. I sat down on a chair.

"Of course I want him to love me! But I can't let him love me. If he were to fall in love with me, he would lose me in a couple of decades leaving him with nothing. It wouldn't be fair to him. I don't want to be the bearer of his pain. He deserves so much more than me."

"So you're saying that the reason why you won't tell Vash that you love him is because you're trying to save him from any more pain and that you're not good enough for him?" asked Milly.

"And then some," I replied back sarcastically. "I'm sorry Milly."

"It's alright Meryl," said Milly reassuringly. She stood up to leave. "I still think you should tell him Meryl. Vash deserves to know the truth. He's been very worried about you." I looked down at my lap. The door shut closed and left me in my silence once more.

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Meryl's POV (con't)

I finally have the courage to go downstairs for lunch. I've been skipping meals from trying to avoid him. Instead, I lock myself in my room losing myself in my thoughts. When I entered the dining area, I took my seat at my usual spot, which was far away from Vash. I could hear the tinkle of glassware as Milly served the food.

"I wonder where Mr. Knives and Mr. Vash are?" said Milly as she took her seat. I stared at my plate. 3…2…1.

"That wasn't fair! Why do we always have to do things your way?" came the whining voice of Vash.

"Just shut up and get inside!" growled Knives and the door slammed shut. I continued to stare at my food. Two chairs scraped against the floor as the two plants sat down for dinner.

"We never do things my way!" continued Vash.

"Well I didn't want to spend the rest of the evening at the damn saloon with all those filthy spiders," shouted Knives.

"Please Mr. Knives," said Milly softly, "don't raise your voice."

"You can't tell me-!" began Knives.

"Please?" asked Milly nicely. Knives shut his mouth. It never ceased to amaze me how Knives interacted with Milly. For a moment, it would seem like Knives was about to have a conniption. Then in the next moment, he would some what settle down although for the remainder of the night, Knives would sulk around and lock himself in his room.

I admired Milly. She was such a strong girl. Milly was aware of the fact that Knives was the cause of Wolfwood's death, even if it was indirectly. Yet Milly treated Knives how she always treated other people and that was with kindness and gentleness. I remembered how Milly cared for Knives during the first couple of vital weeks where Knives was seriously injured. Of course in the beginning, Knives had been a complete ass and was always mouthing off about how he would kill all the "spiders" in the whole entire world once he got better. But as Knives got better, he seemed to be less violent. He wouldn't rant about killing off everyone and he seemed to be more lenient, especially with Milly. She has such a big heart. I find myself asking why I couldn't be just like her.

"Meryl? Meryl!" I straightened quickly in my seat and glanced around the table. I was met by two concerned glances and the other one, well, he was just stuffing his face with food.

"Yes?" Damn, my voice sounds so weak. I've turned into such a softie.

"Are you all right?" asked Vash. I couldn't help but gaze into his alluring aqua eyes. Those eyes held such intensity that I couldn't break away from it. I practically had to force myself to lower my gaze.

"Yeah," I said. I picked up my fork and pushed my food around my plate. I still hadn't touched my food yet. I want to go back to my room. Being in the same room with Vash was becoming uncomfortable. "I'm not hungry. I'm going upstairs." Before I could stand up, Vash stood up suddenly.

"No you're not," said Vash sternly. Milly glanced up at Vash and even Knives stopped eating. I glared at him for the first time in weeks. How dare he tell me what I should and should not do!

"Excuse me?" I gritted out.

"You haven't been eating properly and it's about time that you do," said Vash. "You will finish what's given to you."

"Mr. Va-"

"No Milly. Stay out of this," said Vash. I was surprised at Vash's tone of voice. He had never talked to Milly so roughly before. Milly stood up and cleared her dishes away silently. I noticed that Knives watched Milly's every movement. I didn't have time to ponder that action as Vash continued. "I will not leave this room until you've finished eating." This definitely got me riled up.

"You're not my father! Don't you even try to treat me like a child!" I yelled at him.

"I'm leaving," said Knives and he left to go upstairs. Now there was only Vash and me. Vash stood up and took a seat closer to me. I felt my insides clench from the nearness of him. I crossed my arms in a defiant stance.

"Pick up your fork and eat." When I didn't pick it up, Vash grasped my fork and placed it in my hands. I glanced up at Vash suddenly and locked my eyes with his. Eyes narrowed, I threw the fork onto the floor with a satisfying clang and frowned. No wonder he's treating me like a child. I'm acting like one. I blocked that thought out and continued to be stubborn.

I watched as Vash reached over to his empty plate to grab his own fork. He took a piece of meat from my plate and did the last thing I would ever expect him to do in the situation we were in. Vash popped the meat into his mouth. My mouth slightly parted from surprise and the next thing that happened occurred really quickly.

Vash leaned towards me and grabbed my face. I gasped out in surprise as I feel his lips press hard against mine. This…feels good. At that moment, I felt as though time had frozen and the only sound I could hear was my erratic heartbeat. I feel his tongue slightly brush against mine and shivers run up and down my back. Then it was all over. Vash backed away with a smirk on his face and I'm aware that something is in my mouth. I bite down and realize it was the piece of meat he had put into his mouth. Sneaky little bastard…

"Now, would you like to cooperate and use a fork or will I have to feed you myself?" said Vash. I glowered at him. I reluctantly grabbed the fork away and began to eat. Vash seemed to be relieved that I started eating and was content in watching me. Once I finished, I stood up to go when Vash grasped my wrist.

"What now? I finished eating all of my food," I said irritatingly. Vash gave me one of his irresistibly cute smiles, which immediately changed my mood.

"Please don't make me worry about you," said Vash. I wanted to give him a smart ass reply but I glanced into his eyes and saw that he was serious. My heart slightly warmed at what he said.

"Don't worry about me. You've got other things that are more important," I said. I pulled my hand back and made my way upstairs again. The next thing that Vash said made me stop in my tracks.

"But you are important to me Meryl. More than you'll ever understand," was Vash's soft reply. I nearly broke down there and the throbbing ache in my chest made itself evident.

"That's really sweet of you Vash," I managed to choke out and continued my journey upstairs.

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Meryl's POV (again)

What are you doing to me? I cried silently and slightly buried my head under my pillow. His lips had felt so…so…I can't even find words to describe what Vash the Stampede's lips felt like against mine. I shivered again as I remembered his tongue slightly brushing against mine. Why do you do this to me? I punched my pillow and let out a strangled sob. Are you playing at something?

My heart refused to believe that thought. Vash wasn't like that. When he had said that I was important to him, for just one second, I thought maybe there could've been a chance that he could've been feeling the same way about me as I do for him. Although in the next second, I realized that he was just trying to be nice. My heart clenched painfully.

This is why I never wanted to fall in love in the first place. I remember back when I was in high school, I made a vow to myself to never fall in love. But there was one tiny little detail that I never addressed; you don't get to choose who you fall for. For that, Vash proved me wrong. There were many reasons why I didn't want to love another. Pain, rejection, betrayal, just to name a few. I didn't think it would have ever amounted to something like the situation I was currently in.

I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. I wish I could just disintegrate into nothing right now. My eyelids started drooping close after all of the stress and pain. Sleep helps me run away from reality…

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So what do you think? I know the first chapters are always boring. I hope it was alright. If anyone has any suggestions or ideas please email me. It should be on my bio. Thanks a lot!