Trigun Fan Fiction ❯ Painful Remembrance ❯ Forget Liberty, give me Death ( Chapter 11 )

A/N:Hi there! Sorry this took so long to post, but I didn't like the original version much so I re wrote it. This one is much better and has more angst, which is always good! This chapter is completely in Legato POV, for obvious reasons. I've tried to change my writing style a little to suit him, let me know if I've managed it 'cause I can't tell.

SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 24!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!! I borrowed some of the episode for this, changing it to fit the story. Changing it a LOT to fit the story! For one thing, Midvalley isn't in it.

Legato talks too much. I 'borrowed' most of his speeches and annotated them with thoughts. He thinks about Midvalley a LOT...

This is based on the English language dubbed version, rather than the subs 'cause the subs are terrible and in places make no sense.

Overly sappy and I STILL managed to cry again! Damn, I shouldn't get so attached to characters.

Is it spelt Saverem or Severem??

WARNINGS: Death, depression, yaoi (m/m), child abuse (EVIL *stabs*), non con.

PAIRINGS: Legato x Midvalley, Midvalley x Legato, OC x Legato (non con), Knives x Midvalley (non con), hinted at Vash x Wolfwood, but it's not really supposed to be.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Trigun or any of the characters mentioned here. If I did, I'd be rich...or something.

My heart shattered as he was torn away from me, ripping my only lifeline from my very being. I knew what Master Knives was going to do, saw him do it, but I couldn't stop him. He is my master; I cannot turn against him even now. I'm alone now, so alone. I think master Knives took him from me to try and ensure my loyalty. He's wrong, though, master is wrong. I shouldn't even be thinking thoughts like this about master Knives, I'm not worthy enough to even think of him, but...he took Midvalley, took away the only person I have ever let myself care about since Kyana was taken from me by that bastard genetically known as my father. That disgusting human I have no choice to share my genes with.

I'm alone and crying, weeping for my beloved angel who was so brutally ripped from my grasp by the one person I can do nothing to get revenge against. I don't know why I can't disobey Knives, I just can't. It's almost like he can control me. Sending me out today, I knew what was going to happen, knew that I would never see Midvalley again...never hear his voice, his laughter, never see his smile. God, Middy, I want to see you one last time, please! You've only been gone a matter of hours and already I feel the despair of loss taking over by very being, forcing me into an abyss I could barely escape the first time round. I can't live without you.

I'm alone, mentally and physically, sitting here against this cliff face. It would be so easy to just climb to the top and jump. I can't, though, I don't believe in suicide. Midvalley wouldn't be very happy if I did, and it would be going against master Knives' orders. He specifically told me not to kill myself; he knew that I knew, made sure that our minds were linked as he carried out his punishment, made me watch...

I hate him. Hate him and love him, my master. He has destroyed so much that makes me happy, but still I love him. Not the way I love Midvalley, or the sibling love I had with Kyana, a different kind of love. I can't even begin to describe it.

I know now that I will not return to master Knives, I will not see any of the others again. I will wait here until an opportunity to die presents itself. If one never prevents itself, I'll die anyway since I don't plan on moving unless I have to. I have no reason to. That's not suicide, so I'm not going against master Knives' orders.

I wasn't really angry with him, I hope he knows that. I had to find some way of separating myself from him, distancing us so that master Knives wouldn't carry out his threat. I knew that if we stayed together, he was as good as dead. Now look though, he is dead, and it's my fault. If I had just kept my distance, stayed away from him, then maybe he would still be alive and I wouldn't be sitting against a wall of natural stone with a rock poking me in the back.

It almost killed me to see him lying there, on the floor of one of master's rooms, broken and bleeding. I could see his pain as he stared at me, begging me with his eyes to make the suffering end. I couldn't, though. Couldn't condemn him to death. I still managed to do it, though, in the end. I deserve to be punished for disobeying master Knives, Midvalley didn't.

I don't know if Knives knows what I am planning to do. I don't think he does, as he wouldn't have sent me so far afield. I am still much to valuable to him, despite my being nothing more than a weak and pitiful human, for him to just let me die. He still needs me to carry out his plans, though even I am not sure what those are. I do know that they revolve around Vash the Stampede, though, and he needs me to get him.

I think he has my death planned. Not for now, obviously, but he knows when he is going to kill me. Or get someone else to do it for him. Maybe he was planning on getting me to kill myself, just not yet. I suppose that by ending my life now I'm disobeying him. He didn't technically say that I'm not allowed to get killed, just that I'm not allowed to take my own life.

I'm trying not to think about Midvalley; every time I do it feels like another shard of my glass heart is being inverted, stabbing into by chest, making me bleed. It would be nice to feel the pain physically, rather than just a mental fabrication, but Midvalley would like that even less than suicide. I will not make Middy unhappy for my own selfish reasons.

A familiar presence taps at the edge of my mind and I allow a small smirk to grace my features; Vash. My master's darling brother. A plan slots into place, falling like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and somehow managing to fit together inside my head.

It's a perfect plan, foolproof, brilliant in its simplicity. The boy is upset, miserable, though he hides it well. His pain is the same as mine, losing a loved one always hurts. He's trying to feel happy, reassure those around him, stay strong for Wolfwood. That damn priest was always more trouble than he was worth. I don't know why he's trying to stay strong, it only hurts more. I have to, though; he can't know what I'm planning.

I make my way down to the town, walking quickly. I have to get there before he leaves, before my only chance for a release from this pathetic human body disappears into the arid desert once again.

He's still there when I arrive, sitting on a bench, sobbing his heart out. I feel a pang of guilt for what I am about to do; I know it will kill him. I can see a large bag of doughnuts lying on the ground by his feet. Some have spilled out of the bag, such a waste. I realise that I haven't eaten in over three days as a growl sounds from my complaining stomach at the sight of the food, but there is no point in eating now, not when the end is so near.

The town is busy, very busy. It is easy enough to hide myself among the populace; I don't even have to use my ability. I'm trying not to; it would mean seeing inside his head. I don't want to do that, I know it would stop me from doing this. The pain is so similar, we are so similar. It's frightening.

The two boys prove to be the perfect targets, examining Vash with their childish curiosity, questioning him. I felt so terrible, so cruel. I can't allow myself to feel such things, not anymore. I hurt him, making the boys accuse him of killing Wolfwood. I feel like crying again, though I can't as I have a mission to perform and an image to uphold. He's hurting so much.

I do have some sense of humanity left; I couldn't let the town witness what was about to happen, what I hoped would happen. They couldn't know that the blonde man sitting among them was really Vash the Stampede, everything would go wrong if that were to happen. So, I apply the smallest amount of pressure in their heads, all of their heads, and in less than a second every man, woman and child is unconscious. I don't kill innocents.

He stands up, looking around desperately. I think he thinks I killed them. He hasn't spotted me yet, his pupils dilate and his breathing escalates. Yes, he definitely thinks that they are all dead. Either that or he is frightened of me. I will not check, I have no desire to know and that would mean opening his mind to all of the emotions I am trying not to feel.

I'm standing only meters away when he finally spots me. I try to look calm and collected on the outside, but inside I'm really a mass of nerves and emotions. He doesn't notice.

"I decided to do this as my humble way of exhibiting grief over the loss of a good friend; how'd I do?" Calm, callous, everything he thinks I am, everything I'm not. He doesn't know I'm not talking about Wolfwood, that I'm really talking about Midvalley. He doesn't need to know that I'm really speaking the truth, that my death is my way of exhibiting my intense grief.

"You again." He's trying to be calm, trying to match my appearance, but he doesn't manage it. A slight hint of nervousness creeps out, though he hides his fear and agitation well. "Damn you!" Not as well as I thought. He's angry, furious even. He thinks I'm mocking him.

"Are you going to draw?" I am now; I need him to shoot me. He moves his coat to reveal his gun, the twin of my master's. The boy stops him, though. Damn, I had forgotten about them. He's still half under my control, having access to my thoughts. Vash looks stressed now, unsure of himself. He's not going to do it; I have to bring the situation back under my control. "That's right, you can't possibly draw. You seem to think you've never killed anyone but I'm afraid you're very sadly mistaken. You've managed to fool no one but yourself. You want to believe that because your hands aren't dirty, because you didn't personally pull the trigger, that you are innocent, when in actuality you've killed countless people, including your friend; Nicholas D. Wolfwood." He finally reacts to my taunting, raising his voice.

"I was forced to do that, I had no choice!" He's angry and upset, a good mixture for committing murder. He finally draws, aiming his gun directly at my head. I don't even flinch; I want this.

"Every time you make that face it's strange; my left arm begins to shake uncontrollably, because it happens to be the very arm that was attached to your body." He's shocked now, lowering his gun. I should have been more careful; he wasn't expecting that. If I had failed to mention my arm I might very well be dead right now. "I will be waiting for you on that hill." I turn and begin to walk away before stopping again, giving him another chance to end this. "If you wish to shoot me now, go ahead." He doesn't, he can't. I let go of the minds of the townsfolk and make my way back to the cliff to wait for him.

I didn't have to wait very long until another opportunity for death came my way. Or, rather, a way of assisting with my first plan. The two insurance girls, I don't bother to find out their names since I don't need them yet, happen to arrive on the very cliff I am waiting for Vash on. I have taken control of half of the townsfolk, hoping to use them in my plan. Instead, I use them to subdue the girls. They are hidden from view; I will only use them if completely necessary. Vash will not stand to lose another friend if he can prevent it.

"We should have died a very long time ago you and I; the instant we fell upon this sandy land without pain and without sorrow." We're not without pain and sorrow anymore though; too much has happened, to you as well as to me. "Now the schedule has merely been set back; the end is near, it is time to embrace it." I look forward to death, look forward to seeing you again my Midvalley. I am sure that we will meet again. "That is why I must...I must end it. End it now." We will be together soon, love.

"This is the climax, Vash the Stamp-" He shoots me, he finally shoots me. I barely feel the bullets as they rip through my shoulder, my leg, my stomach. I don't react to them, merely steadying myself after the force of the hits. These wounds will be fatal if I leave them untreated, so I am as good as dead whether he decides to kill me or not. His gun is pointed at my head, he is breathing hard and leaning away from me, as though he wants to run but knows that he can't. I am not afraid. "So, do you hate me?" A trivial question, one that I don't really want to know the answer to. "I'm not surprised. If you do I won't blame you, so many sad things happen to you. Whether they are friend or enemy, the people you meet die. It's enough to sap ones tears." I am actually sympathising with him, though he doesn't realise it. He thinks me to be a heartless monster, as I thought him once to be a god on par with Master Knives. Now I know him not to be, he is almost as human as the humans themselves are. I wonder, would we have been friends if things have been different?

"Shut up!" His angry shout drags me from my musings back to the present, where his gun is still poised and ready at my temple.

"Haven't you given up yet, Vash? It's really quite annoying." A shot from the left hits him in the arm, knocking him over sideways. My army of villagers, completely under my control, has arrived to force his hand. He will kill me. He won't kill them.

"Bastard!"

"You're out of options; fight back or you'll die." They shoot again. I won't kill him, won't even injure him too badly. If he acts quickly he'll escape with a few minor wounds. He aims his gun at my head again from his position on the ground. "Why don't you go ahead? I welcome this to be my time. After all, there's no reason for such an egocentric incomplete life like mine to be allowed to continue anyway." Midvalley... "Give me the gift of nothingness! Give me death! Kill me." I am asking him, begging him to kill me and still he refuses. I am forced to play my final card; the girls. The rough treatment of such innocent creatures should, hopefully, move him enough to kill me. Even I cannot see the future.

"Stop them! No more!" Now he is the one reduced to begging. I will not hurt them, will not kill them, but he doesn't know that. A shot is fired between their heads, into the ground. They scream and Vash gasps, expecting death. "I said stop it now!"

"Then shoot me!" He has no choice. "It's alright, kill me." I use the soft lilt I normally reserve for Midvalley, but...he's not here any more. We will be together soon, my love. I promise. "It's simple; all you need do is pull the trigger. Once you have killed me, this will all be over." Please, Vash. Just kill me. "Come on, time to choose, you have free will."

"Stop it. Don't make me shoot." He looks like he is in so much pain, but the girls screams and cries for help drag his attention away from his own internal angst. He's not going to do it, I can see it in his eyes now, he won't kill me.

I know it's a bad idea before I do it; delving into his mind to find the thing that will hurt him the most. A name; Rem Saverem, with a philosophy I find to be really quite foolish, though that may be because of the influence my past has had on me. Then, the waves of pain, guilt and suffering crash down on me, drowning me in their intensity. I forget to breathe, struggling to keep my calm demeanour. I manage it, barely. Vash is too busy worrying about the girls to notice anything small anyway.

"Your faith is hopelessly obstinate. To actually believe the prattlings of a woman who speaks in idealistic terms that are worthless. I guess that kind of thinking is reasonable for someone who has lived for more than a century, but that way of life is pathetic, even comical. Rem Saverem, a wasted existence who only spoke in aggravating logic. A worthless human being, just like me, but unlike you."

"That's enough!" He screams at me, shooting up to tower over me as I kneel, awaiting my fate. I am rewarded; he will kill me now. Midvalley...I am coming, my love.

I close my eyes and all is darkness.

A/N: One more chapter to go...