Trigun Fan Fiction ❯ THAT Feeling ❯ One-Shot

[ Disclaimer: I don't own Vash the Stampede or Trigun. But…I do have this great Vash plushie!!!!! *cuddles* ^^ ]

.:: That Feeling ::.

It was like trying to grab hold of a cloud.

I reached out to touch you, but there was nothing there.

Then I remembered you were gone.

Dropping my head back into my arms, I tried to stifle the scream of frustration and sadness that was desperately trying to claw its way out of my throat. It turned into a sob, starting a fresh flow of tears and causing my body to shake uncontrollably. It came to the point where I actually thought I would get sick all over myself from crying so much. My eyes burned as if I was crying acid, rather than hot salty tears. I took a deep breath, allowing myself to cry freely now, letting all of my emotions breakaway in mind-consuming loneliness and helplessness.

You have no idea how much I miss you.

Your messy ebony hair, your gray-blue eyes that bored into mine like windows to your soul, whose depths were endless. The way your voice became deep with passion and anger when fighting. When I would catch you, glancing sideways at me, with a half-smile formed on your lips as I acted like a complete idiot.

I didn't treasure the times we were together. I almost took them for granted. I missed your laughter. The laugh you used when brushing off a joke…

Did you brush me off as a joke, I wonder?

My eyes squinted, filling up with tears once more and causing the world to blur around me.

There was a need residing within me. The need to lean on your shoulder and cry, while enveloped in your strong arms.

But I can't…

Because it's your death I'm mourning.

You're gone; oh you're gone. The worst part was that, this time, you wouldn't be back. You wouldn't show up unexpectedly at the next town we stayed in. We wouldn't find you, dehydrated and lost, lying in the middle of the desert. You wouldn't be back. Ever.

As I came to understand it more and more, the shattering pain of my heart splitting into who knew how many pieces caused me to, for the first time in my entire existence, have the desire to die.

I can't go one without you.

I won't go one without you.

I wish I had…why hadn't I…?

I sobbed again, regret adding to the plethora of emotions I was feeling at the moment. If only I had told you…

The days we spent together were perfect and wonderful, and would be remembered as so always, but the mere thought of the way we could have been together made me horribly depressed. Your eyes, always so large and full of hurt…I could have fixed that with three words.

Why had I hesitated?!

Fear of unrequited love? I'm so stupid! Imagine what we could have shared! You and I, we were meant for each other. It took me a while to realize it, but the more nights I spent drying my eyes on your sand-worn black coat made me understand our destinies.

My destiny-You.

Your destiny-Me.

That was the way it was, and I only wish I could have been the bold one and said something while I had the chance…

While you were still alive…

I loved you more than anything. I still love you now and that's why the pain is so intense.

I long to take your hand in mine. To feel the calluses of your rough palm on my scarred one. I'm so lost. I need you to guide me! I need you to help me! Most importantly…

I need you to love me!

I wrap my arms around myself, close my eyes and pretend it's you. I can almost feel the stubble of your beard on my soft cheek. Come back…please…

"NICK! PLEASE COME BACK! I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE! I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH!!!"

My heart sunk as I realized that I had screamed these things out loud. What was the point of me screaming for you? You weren't going to answer. Could you even hear me up there? I knew that was where you were. Up. Heaven, despite all the sins you committed in life.

My angel with black wings…

I leaned over to catch a glimpse of the valley below the cliff I was sitting on. The idea on jumping seemed very good at the moment…

Wait! What was I thinking?! He wouldn't have appreciated hearing such things from me! I had to keep going…no matter what…

Even without him.

My Nicholas.

I sighed heavily as the feeling that I thought would finally stop experiencing filled my heart again. That feeling.

The feeling of being all alone in the world. And, it was abysmal to think of, but…

I truly was.

[ *sob* Oh, Vash!!! I'm here for you!!!!!! *sniffle* Hope you enjoyed it~! <3 Fujiko ]