Trigun Fan Fiction ❯ Tri-S Reactor ❯ Sexual Strife: Meryl's Struggle NOT to Jump Vash's Bones ( Chapter 1 )

Chapter 1-Sexual Strife: Meryl's Struggle NOT to Jump Vash's Bones

Meryl stared down at the party still going on in the saloon. Milly was sleeping like a rock in the next room for drinking too much. Vash was still down there with the rest of the town, celebrating.

She still couldn't believe it. That wacko weirdo was Vash the Stampede… But he was nothing like she'd ever imagined him to be. She had expected so many things…so many different things… Back at the office there were always rumors going on and on about him. Who he was, why he did the things that he did, what he was like in real life. So many of the women fawned over the thought of such a dangerous guy. She hated to admit it, but she had secretly fantasized about the idea of meeting him too for a long time. But she wasn't as bad as they were.

A twisted smile formed on Meryl's lips. If only they could see him now. Boy, would they be disillusioned.

He was a horny, good-for-nothing, goody-goody, idiot, with no more brains than a high, randy goat, an obsessive craving for donuts, and a gun-carrying psychopath! He was such a weirdo moron freak! Argh! …But…

Meryl cursed as she felt her cheeks burn up. What was wrong with her?! What was that basketcase doing to her?! Since the moment she'd met him, something had started changing. Putting aside his weirdness, he was actually pretty cute…

Meryl rolled her eyes and leaned against the window. Who was she kidding? He was downright gorgeous, and every woman in Inepril thought so too. Her temper riled up again. And he had the audacity to go running around the entire city with that big breasted blonde stuck-up bitch who was so full of herself just because she was a Plant engineer and… Ooooo…aaaarrrgghhh….!!! Meryl suddenly dropped her anger. She looked down at her hand and saw the nail marks she had made.

"Who am I kidding?" she murmured to herself. It was hopeless. Completely and totally hopeless. Since the moment she saw that weirdo she had felt attracted to him. But she had a job to do and she had to hunt for Vash the Stampede. What a moron she was! She should have gone with her instincts! Milly was right about him since the beginning. Meryl sighed. She just hadn't wanted to believe it.

And why not?

Because then I wouldn't have a shot in hell to be with him… "Ah! Wait a minute! I'm not interested in that hair-brained idiot!"

Oh, really? Is that why whenever you look into those aqua eyes of his you get hot all over? That's uninterested? I'm dying to know what you're like when you are interested!

"Will you shut up," Meryl murmured.

How can you tell me to shut up? I'm you! I'm just the truth you're not fessing up to. Like today when he fixed the Plant and saved the town. You were about to throw yourself at him, you were so happy he was alive and awed that he actually managed to fix the thing and save the entire city! But you stopped.

"I had good reason."

Oh, yes. The blonde stuck-up bitch, as you like to refer to her as. That's what stopped you, huh? Jealousy?

"I was not jealous!"

Why on earth are you denying it to yourself???

Meryl sighed and looked back out the window to the party in the saloon. "Because if I can convince myself that I don't care I'll save myself a lot of heartache."

Heartache? Guess so, but you're going to sexually frustrate yourself in the process… And you just might kill your heart if you try to shut up its feelings.

"Sexually frustrate?"

Oh, don't play dumb with me, moron. I'm you, remember? Right now, your beating down all the desire you feel for that gorgeous, sweet dumb blond because of your fear of heartbreak. Who said love was easy?

"Don't even go there! I just found out that the moron was Vash the Stampede. How could I possibly be in love with that goof?!"

Sigh… I'm not going to argue with you when you're in this mood. Denying the truth to yourself may protect you for a while, but you'll end up hurting yourself in the end if you keep it up, you know. Besides, you were half crazy in love with the image you had created of Vash, that's why you accepted this job. The chance to meet him was given to you. And then you found a sweet blond idiot that had a talent for saving people and you started having dirty thoughts of him instead. Vash the Stampede was no longer an ideal image for you anymore. It was the goofball with the soft aqua eyes.

"… You don't know what you're talking about."

What? I'm you, stupid! How many times do I have to repeat myself? How can I not know what I'm talking about?! You just don't want to face up to it. And now that you found out that the guy who were having fantasies about turned out to be the same person you were fantasizing about before, you were thrown for a loop. And then you realize you like this new image of Vash he's given you, and you like him…too much. So much that your heart melts whenever you look at him.

Meryl closed her eyes. "Shut up."

I felt it today, you know. When you were looking at him when he came out of that Plant alive and had saved everyone. I felt it. Your heart melted, your entire body softened from the stiffness you'd had the last week since you found out who he was. Your insides heated up, your lips dried. Not to mention you got hornier than a randy goat yourself!

"I said, shut up."

I felt all of it. Why? Cause I'm you. Call me your conscious or whatever. I'm just telling you the truth, you know. Stop denying it. You'll hurt less if you just accept it!

"SHUT UP!" Meryl yelled into the quiet room. She dropped to the floor and wrapped her arms around her knees. "I don't care if it's the truth or not," she murmured. "I just don't care. I can't feel this way. I have a job to do. He's a job. Watching him, keeping him under surveillance so he doesn't cause any more damage is what I have to do. There's nothing else going on…nothing…" She tightened her arms around her knees. "I can't let there be anything. Because there can never be anything between us. Ever."

Silence.

Meryl could hear the sounds from the saloon below. She looked up. At least she hadn't woken up Milly. It would be kind of hard to explain the argument she'd had with herself. Meryl turned to the windowsill and looked down. She'd seen the way some of the women at the party had looked at him. He was probably with them now. She had a job to do and that was it. She couldn't get involved. In anyway at all.

No becoming friends. No having sex.

And definitely, most definitely, NOT falling in love.

* * *

Meryl got out of the bathroom and walked to her seat on the bus. She started at the image before her. That Wolfwood preacher had taken her seat and fallen asleep on Milly. Milly clearly hadn't resisted, because she was just sitting there, blushing up a storm. Meryl grumbled to herself. What kind of priest was this guy? Hitting on Milly like that. She turned briefly to Vash, who was sitting stiffly. Her heart clenched. She tried to shake off the feeling and sighed. She sat down next to him.

"Boy, that guy sure has a lot of nerve," she said. She gave Vash's stiff expression a sidelong glance. "Actually, he reminds me of someone I know."

Vash turned away from her to face the window. "Yeah, isn't he horrible? I think we should tell him off. Yeah, let's do that."

Meryl sighed, looking at him. Now, why had she gone and said that? Did she really want to get on Vash's bad side? Why was she bothering him? He hadn't done anything wrong. Meryl sighed again, turning away. She closed her eyes. I'm an idiot…

Meryl watched Milly fall asleep on Wolfwood in silence. Meryl half smiled. Well, looks like Milly took to him real quick. They actually make a cute couple… She shook her head. What is with her tonight? Neither she nor Milly could get involved with any member of the opposite sex while on this job! That's why she…

She turned to the man beside her and saw Vash sleeping against the window. She stared at his face. He looked exhausted. He helped save Wolfwood who was stranded in the desert and then saved Helen from those machines earlier. Meryl couldn't stop the smile that was forming on her lips. He was so… She stared at his handsome face and her body temperature started to rise. And the sudden burning between her legs was not helping in the least. Meryl crossed her legs and clasped her hands tightly together. Body…quit it… She shook her head, took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Try to get some sleep, Meryl…

A couple of minutes later… All right, this isn't working. The close contact with him was starting to wear on her. She could feel her fingertips tingling and was suddenly aware of every inch of skin on her body. Meryl could feel his body heat and could smell his scent. He smelled like pure, crystal clear water. She opened her eyes and looked at him. Mistake! Her lips suddenly dried and her heart sped up. But she couldn't find the will to pull her eyes away from him. He was just so…beautiful…sitting there sleeping, as if he wasn't who he was. As if he were safe and secure. Some of his spiky hair had gotten smushed by the window and hung in his face…

Meryl's eyes widened. She stared at her hand. It had just come out of nowhere but she had just been about to touch him. She hadn't even thought about it. It just seemed like the most natural thing to do. Meryl gulped and tried dragging her hand away. But she couldn't. She wanted to touch him…even if it was only briefly.

All right, body. You can touch him. Just don't get any more ideas! Meryl leaned forward and moved the hair out of his face. But even as she did it, her entire body froze. Her breasts were pressed against his arm. A rock hard arm. Her face was just above his neck; her legs were practically rubbing against his. Meryl gulped. Get a grip… GET A GRIP!!! She waged a war against herself.

One side of her, the practical, well-grounded side, was bellowing to move away, sit calmly, forget about it, ignore him.

The other side of her, whatever that side was, probably everything else, was whispering seductively at her to press up against him closer, caress his face, kiss his neck, rub her body along his, snuggle into his warmth, inhale his scent, sit on his lap, straddle him…and touch him… everywhere… A vision popped into her head of her doing just that, right here, in the middle of the bus and she almost groaned.

Meryl abruptly pulled away, like she was being burned. She turned her face away from him and stared down at her boots. She felt the heat in her cheeks and the groan of everything that was woman inside her. Her body was throbbing with desire and her hands were still aching with the need to touch him…

She shook her head fiercely. Pull it together, Meryl. Pull it together!! You can't! You just… can't! No matter how much you want to… So, shut up already BODY!

Meryl stayed awake for a few hours more, battling with herself, before finally succumbing to exhaustion. In sleep, her deprived body managed one small victory. She slept against him, her head pillowed on his shoulder, her body against him.

* * *

"What did that man ask you to do? It's nothing nasty I hope," Meryl said as she got into the car. She looked at him grumpily when he didn't respond. "Hey, why don't you say anything-Whoa!" Vash started the car abruptly making her fall into her seat.

Meryl stared at him a moment as he drove in silence. He…looked so serious. What was with him today? The silence continued for a while until Meryl couldn't take it anymore. Why was he being so damn secretive and quiet?!

"When are you going to stop this and say something?" she said angrily. Meryl half growled and reached for the key of the car. Vash put his hand in her way and pushed it aside. Meryl was surprised for a moment, but she quickly recovered. "All right! You talk to me!" she shouted.

"He wanted a kill."

Meryl started in surprise. "Huh?" Her heart stopped in her chest. "…A kill?"

"That's right," he said hollowly.

"…And you accepted?" she whispered in disbelief, staring at him.

"Yes."

Meryl couldn't do anything but stare at him for a moment. Her eyes trembled. No… it just couldn't… She closed her eyes briefly and got control of herself. She gave him a hard look. "You're nothing but a despicable outlaw just like I thought. Very well, if that's the case, I have no choice but to execute risk prevention procedure." Meryl pulled out one of her derringers and pointed it at his temple.

Vash didn't move. He didn't even blink.

Meryl just looked at him. Why? Why was he doing this? This isn't like him. He's not like this… Vash…isn't like this at all. Why is he acting this way? He wouldn't kill anyone. How…how could this be…? He isn't acting like himself at all… But I have to do my job! I have to execute procedure and make sure he doesn't cause any damage… She gazed at his face and her heart clenched. His face was determined, but she couldn't see any malice or coldness. It was the same beautiful face that couldn't harm a fly. The same gentle face. Meryl fought back the tears. She couldn't do it. Even if he really is serious. I can't do it.

Meryl abruptly pulled back and sat back on her seat with a sigh and a humph. "Would you mind at least explaining why you decided to do this?"

Meryl gave him a sideways glance. Her heart skipped a beat when he turned to her with that gentle smile.

"Thanks. For trusting me."

Meryl felt her body heat up. She turned away, hoping he didn't notice her red face. "It has nothing to do with it! You're just not acting like yourself and I figure there's got to be some reason. It's almost like you're pretending to live up to the rumors about you." She slowly turned her gaze back to him.

She saw his smile turn to grin. "You know, you're actually really observant."

Her body reacted to his grin. She turned red. Meryl blinked. "Huh?"

Vash gave her a wink. "That's pretty much the plan." He turned his gaze back to the road, his face turning serious. "That man is the one who owns the Caravan. In order to get into Fondreak he needs a pass. That pass just happens to be a tattooed mark on his adopted son's arm. The problem is that his son has run away with a dancing girl."

Meryl's eyes narrowed. "He wants you to kill his adopted son?"

"No. He wants me to bring him back. He wants me to kill the girl."

Her jaw dropped. "But why?"

"Because she's part of the cargo."

"Part of the cargo…?"

Vash nodded. "This Caravan also deals in slave trade. That girl is a childhood friend of his son's but she's to be sold at Fondreak when they get there. So the two ran off together."

Meryl looked up at him with narrowed eyes. "What do you have up your sleeve?"

Vash suddenly grinned. "Whoa! I've been hanging around you too long! You can actually read me already." He turned his grin at her. "Who knows where this could lead?"

She suddenly flushed and then quickly turned away. Her dirty treacherous mind had instantly imagined where this could lead. It lead to him stopping the car, both of them tossing off their clothes, getting into the back seat and having sex under the blazing twin suns! Either that… or her bending over and having her way with him while he drove! Doesn't that idiot know what he does to me when he says things like that? I almost took him up on that offer! "Stop being stupid and give me a straight answer already. What are you planning?"

Meryl heard him sigh. Sigh? What's he SIGHING about?! Does he actually WANT it to lead somewhere or is he just teasing me?! Maybe I should TELL him what goes on in my mind when I look at him! Or actually DO it! Then he really will have something to sigh about! …Oh, who am I kidding? Vash turned away. "Well, the Caravan needs the pass in order to survive. But I can't bring the boy back if he's decided to leave with her at the cost of the lives of the entire Caravan. He made his decision. So I'm going to use these." Vash motioned to the glove compartment.

She blinked and then opened it. Sets of bullets were hidden there. When she took them out, Meryl's eyes narrowed. She gave Vash a hooded look. "These are rubber bullets, Vash."

Vash smiled. "I know."

"What are you going to do with these?"

"I'm going to shoot the girl and him with those, pretending to kill them both in front of the cavalry that's following us."

Meryl turned around quickly and saw the collection of cars that were following them. She turned back to Vash. "Are they going to try and make sure that you complete the job? Or are they going to take the boy back?"

Vash shrugged. "Don't know. But either way, it solves two problems."

Meryl blinked. "It does?"

"Of course! If I pretend to kill both, then they can escape without a problem. And if all those men think I killed them they got a perfect excuse when they get to Fondreak. `Vash the Stampede killed our pass! The man is insane! We're sorry, but we need a new one.'" Vash smiled lightly. "That way the Caravan doesn't have to go down and the kids can start a new life together without worrying about it."

"That's all well and good, but what about the slave trading? I'm positive you're not going to let them get away with that! Maybe the Caravan deserves to go down because of what they did," Meryl said.

Vash shook his head. "Now, you're thinking like them. No one has the right to judge another. We're not gods." Then he smiled. "But don't worry so much. I think the head of the Caravan has learned from this mistake. He thinks he's going to get his son back, but he knows now what caused this mess. I don't think he'll deal in slave trading anymore after this."

"But he's not getting his son back," Meryl said.

"All the better. If he thinks his son is dead, he won't go looking for the poor kid, and for his memory, stop the slave trading."

Meryl narrowed her eyes at him. "You know, that's all very hopeful, but what if it doesn't happen that way?"

Vash shrugged. "All we can do is hope. That's what makes us go on living, right? That's what makes us survive and wake up every morning. Hope."

Meryl just stared at him, her entire body suddenly tingling. When he said stuff like that, it took every ounce of willpower she had not to kiss him.

* * *

Meryl lay in bed staring at the ceiling, her heart hurting. Tomorrow was a long day, but she didn't think she would be getting much sleep tonight. Her body was being especially rebellious… Meryl grumbled. And it was all Vash's fault.

She sighed and turned in the bed. No, it wasn't. You just want him more now and you don't know how to deal with it. That's all. Meryl sat up and hugged her knees. She looked out the window and into the night. After everything that had happened the last two days, it was a very quiet night. She just hoped the people here could recoup…

Meryl bit her lip. But now this was another town with the firm belief that Vash was an evil person, when he was anything but. She closed her eyes remembering is scars. He had gotten all of those for saving people without killing anyone. His body bears the marks. Her heart twisted. If…if only there was something she could do for him…

Her body flamed up. How about sneaking into his room, stripping him down to his birthday suit and then kissing and licking every scar on his body, all the while rubbing up against him? Then she'd move to his hips and…she was dying to know what he tasted like… She cursed, banishing her dirty thought. You know, after everything they'd been through together and all this repression, you'd figure her body would have gotten the HINT by now. But no… Meryl allowed herself a small smile at the thought though. It would be so nice if she could be that free. Free to comfort him…to show him how she felt. To show him that those scars only attracted her more to him and didn't repel her. Repel her? Ha. It took every ounce of willpower she had not to tackle him when they were talking to him earlier. He was just sitting there, flaunting himself with that…scarred chest… I still can't believe I almost threw myself at him with Milly right there next to me. Especially when he…

Meryl thought back to what he'd said and the slip she had made.

"It's not exactly something I like girls to see. I think many of them would run away," Vash said softly.

"I wouldn't run away! …What I mean is, they wouldn't run away…"

She shook her head. How could she have let that slip? She didn't think he'd noticed… but maybe he had. When she'd first got into the room and their eyes had met, she could have sworn she saw something. Pain, sadness, loneliness. Meryl had been about to throw herself at him, let out all her pent up emotions and freak… She guessed he must have seen that and acted goofy to get her back in the proper perspective. It worked. She had pulled back her emotions and restrained them…

But… But…she still wanted to show him. During that entire conversation, seeing those scars… Meryl had felt two things. Horrified at everything he had gone through, at what he had endured, and how people treated him, when all he ever did was try and protect them… and… Desire. Well, of course. Spent the entire time trying NOT to jump him. Of course, I felt desire. An excessively unsafe amount of it! Meryl covered her head with her arms. She'd never had a scar fetish in her entire life. But now just thinking about all those scars made her want to crawl into his bed and show him how this girl wouldn't run away from those scars. She wanted to caress him, hold him, kiss him, nibble those scars of his and just lick him all over… Argh! She flopped back onto the bed, her body pulsing with restrained need. Her heart was beating crazily and the lower half of her body was pounding. What was she going to do? From now on whenever I close my eyes I'm going to see him naked, with all those scars… Meryl licked her dry lips and wondered where else he had scars…

"Aaaaaa!" she yelled sitting up. She tried rubbing down her now upright nipples. This was pathetic! She had thought she'd been in trouble before?! It was nothing next to now! Her heart hurt painfully whenever she looked at him, her feelings had deepened, and whenever she was close to him, her entire body surged with the want to tackle him and have her way with him!

Meryl closed her eyes. "There are so many sides to him… So many… And all are part of the same wonderful person." She opened them and looked up at the ceiling, her eyes becoming blurry with the salt water stinging them. "The goof, the saint, the devil…" She thought back briefly to when she was trying to find him during the battle with Monev. And when she'd found him…

"STAY BACK! Stay away from me!!"

Tears slid from her eyes. "Why? Why did he say that? There are so many reasons I can come up with. He didn't trust himself. Didn't want to end up hurting us. He didn't want us to see how he'd changed or the pain he was going through… Or maybe… He just didn't want us to get caught up in it. Didn't want us to get hurt if Monev thought we were friends of his." Meryl's breath caught in her throat. "Or maybe… he didn't want me to see how much he was suffering…"

She threw herself face down onto the bed and wept out her heart. Knowing that when morning came, she would have to bottle up her feelings for him and beat down her desire. And when she finally fell asleep Meryl dreamed of being with him…

And in the morning had to take a really cold shower.

* * *

Meryl stared out the window unable to stop the tears. How long had she been following him…? How long? Only to lose him after finally finding him again. Now, all of Augusta was in rubble and he was somewhere among it. Was he all right? Was he even alive? The worry was driving her insane…and the tears wouldn't stop.

Not to mention the endless dreams of him.

"Uh, Meryl…? We received a letter from the main office," Milly said. Meryl quickly recouped and turned around with the best smile she could muster.

"It's about time! Well, their correspondence certainly is slow. We've been sitting here waiting for two weeks!" Meryl took the letter Milly handed to her and opened it. She sat down at the desk and began to read it aloud.

"Meryl Stryfe and Milly Thompson are-to return t-to the main office… immediately. Furthermore, in a conference held the other day, it was decided that Vash the Stampede will be designated as mankind's first official human disaster." Meryl took in a ragged breath, her voice breaking as she read the next part aloud. "From this day forward, no matter what kind of damage he causes the Bernardelli Insurance Society will be-will be…will be…" The last word came out in a tortured whisper. "Uninvolved…?

Meryl crushed the paper in her hand, her shoulders shaking with the sobs that threatened to overwhelm her. "This can't be… This can't be. What do they think will change by making this decision now?" Tears slid freely down her cheeks. Oh, god, why? Vash… Oh, Vash…

"Meryl…"

Meryl got up from the chair and threw herself into Milly's arms, unable to control her sobs. She didn't even hear what Milly murmured into the room. All Meryl heard and understood was the name that was engraved on her heart.

Vash…

A few hours later…

"I'm sorry, Milly. I haven't cried like that… since I don't know when." Meryl turned on the bed and smiled at her friend. Milly was sitting on the bed opposite of her. "I really am sorry, Milly."

Milly shook her head. "It's all right, Meryl. I can understand. I know how you feel about Mr. Vash."

Meryl gave a light hoarse laugh. "Really? Am I that obvious?"

Milly smiled and nodded. "Yup. I've known for a while. The way you look at him and the way you act around him gives you away, you know."

Meryl rolled onto her back and put her arm over her forehead. "Do you think he's noticed?"

"Probably not. Mr. Vash is super nice and really smart when it comes to helping people, but he's not very bright when it comes to that kind of thing."

Meryl allowed herself small smile. "Well, neither am I, Milly. I guess that makes us quite a pair, huh?" She bit her lip. "But… but now, I'll never be able to see him and tell him how I feel, how I've been feeling for the longest time. I'm off the Vash case. I won't even know if he's all right…"

"Meryl, as long as you're alive, you two might see each other! Don't give up hope. Mr. Vash wouldn't want you to do that!"

Meryl sighed. "I know…" She turned again to face Milly. "Milly, do you have any idea what it's been like? We both took this mission expecting a simple job… not something like this…"

"Yeah! We didn't expect to fall in love!"

Silence.

Meryl smiled at the blushing Milly. "You too, Milly? We make quite a pair falling for those two."

Milly nodded. "But you know, Meryl, I think we are going to see them again. I want to see them both again. And I'm not going to give up hope that one day we will!" Milly blushed. "Besides, I don't want to go on with the rest of my life without at least kissing him…"

Meryl chuckled. "And here I thought I was the only one having kinky thoughts while on the job!" Damn understatement of the freaking century.

Milly giggled. "Oh, no, Meryl! How can a girl not have kinky thoughts around those two? Mr. Wolfwood makes me feel all warm inside…and he's the only man I know bigger than me other than my brothers and my father!"

Meryl smiled. "Vash is bigger than you too, Milly."

"Yeah… I guess so… But I like Mr. Wolfwood much better. There's something about him that just makes me want to take care of him. He looks like he needs someone to take care of him." Milly looked at Meryl quizzically. "Do you know what I mean?"

Meryl nodded. "Yeah, Milly. I know what you mean." I get that feeling every time I'm around Vash.

"Meryl, you've almost jumped Mr. Vash a couple of times, huh?"

Meryl did a comic pitfall. She shot up from the ground. Her face was flaming red. "Why are you asking me that, Milly?" Gosh, I was THAT obvious?!

Milly smiled. "Because, I've seen you fight yourself. Sometimes it's funny and sometimes it's sad." Milly turned her attention to her fingers. "But I've had that problem before too, so…" She looked back up at Meryl. "I guess it just makes me relieved to know that you had the same problem I had."

Meryl sighed and sat down next to Milly. "We really are a pair, aren't we?"

"Yeah… Meryl?"

"Mm?"

"Let's promise. That when we see them again we'll try our best to let them know how we feel, okay? Let's promise!"

Meryl turned to Milly and smiled. "All right, Milly. It's a promise. The day we see those two again, we'll find a way to let them know how we feel."

"So let's not give up hope that we'll find them! And when we do, let's hope we don't chicken out anymore!"

Meryl laughed. "Yeah!" She turned to her friend. "Thanks again, Milly."

Milly grinned. "No problem, Meryl. That's what friends are for, right?"

"Yeah, Milly. That's what friends are for." Meryl closed her eyes and saw a vision of Vash in her mind. That's what friends are for Vash. I'm not giving up hope. I will see you again and tell you how I feel. I'll always be there for you. Please… depend on me. I'll always be here for you. Always…

* * *

"…But sextuplets are out of the question!" Milly said with a grin.

"Ha, ha ha ha! Nice comeback!" Wolfwood said and both started laughing.

Meryl watched them with a smile. Good luck, Milly. Meryl gave the man next to her a sidelong glance. Vash was leaning against the door, looking relaxed and asleep. But Meryl knew he was anything but. It seemed like ages since they had been separated and now they were together again… But Vash seemed to be so much worse than before. He's lost so much of his life. It's as if whatever he's fighting is dragging down his spirit little by little. It was tearing at her heart seeing him like this. Her feelings were at war whether to hold him, give old-fashioned man-woman comfort, or just try to ignore it. She wanted more than anything to do either of the first two… But Meryl didn't know if she had the courage. All she could do was stare at his face… She mentally shook herself. Now was NOT the time to be a coward, Meryl Stryfe! Tell him how you feel! Say it! Or at least ask him what's wrong, what's bothering him… anything! Just let him know you care and that you're here for him… In any way he wants you…

"Vash…?"

Vash straightened and turned to her with a smile. A smile that didn't reach his eyes. A small sad smile. "Yeah, Meryl? What's up?"

Suddenly the words wouldn't come out. Why? Why couldn't she at least ask him what was wrong? How he was feeling? If he was all right? Why…? Why wouldn't the blasted words form???

"Um…no-nothing…"

* * *

Meryl saw him sitting on the cliff. She smiled and began to make her way toward him. Oh, Vash… If only I could find the words… Well, at least she still had a chance. She had almost given up hope before… She shook her head and suddenly heard his voice on the wind. Meryl closed her eyes for a moment. He had a wonderful voice… Her body warmed. Suddenly the night didn't feel so cold anymore.

"So… On the first evening a pebble… From somewhere out of nowhere drops upon the sleeping world…"

"So…" Meryl sang along with him. She saw him turn and smiled. She continued with the next verse as she approached him. "On the second celestial evening, all the children of the pebble join hands and… compose a waltz…" She sat down beside him with a smile. "That's a nice song."

Meryl felt his eyes on her as she sat down. "Mm," he murmured in agreement and turned his gaze back up to the stars.

She looked at him then, not being able to help the heat that crept up to her cheeks. Even disheveled, beaten and bruised, he was still gorgeous. Her heart constricted. If only… Meryl cut off her own thought and looked up at the stars. She ignored the way her body had instantly reacted to him, enflaming all of her senses. Her blood was rushing through her veins and her pulse was sounded so loud. She mentally shook herself. Say it, Meryl. Say something for the love of god!

"You can…"

"Hm?"

Meryl flushed, knowing his gaze was on her. "You can stay here as long as you like," she said staring at the ground. Oh, lord, what'll he say to that piece of gibberish?

"That sounds good."

Meryl blinked. "Huh?" She turned to look at him, but he was gazing at the sky.

"Might not be such a bad idea," he said quietly.

Meryl smiled and looked up at the stars too. Even though she still wanted him and wanted to tell him her feelings… For now, god, this is enough… This is all I need…

* * *

"You're going, aren't you?"

"…Yeah. I'm feeling a lot better now. Don't worry. I'll be okay."

Meryl gathered her courage. She looked up at him and lost herself in his aqua eyes. Her body and heart instinctly reacted. She ignored them. Come on, courage. Don't desert me now. "See you later. Good luck."

Vash smiled his sweet smile. Meryl's heart threatened to explode and her legs to give out. "Thanks. And thanks for everything."

She gave him the best smile she could muster and she lost herself in looking at him. She didn't even hear what Millie said to Vash when she arrived with Wolfwood's cross. All Meryl could do was stare at him, trying to gather the courage to tell him her feelings, trying to form the words, engraving his image in her mind.

And when he slowly walked away to face Knives, tears slid down her cheeks. No matter how much she had wanted otherwise, her voice had remained silent.

"I couldn't… I couldn't say anything to him…" Meryl whispered to Milly, the tears seeping down her cheeks. She lowered her head. She'd failed.

"Well, you can tell him everything when he gets back," Milly said shaking Meryl's shoulder. "You can go nuts on him!"

Meryl looked up and watched him disappear into the distance. Please, god, bring him back to me alive… Please… And this time… I swear… I WILL tell him how I feel. Even if it kills me…