Tsubasa Chronicle Fan Fiction ❯ Transgression ❯ Trangression ( Chapter 1 )

There's this feeling… this betrayal that pours through me, that makes me feel like I have nothing else to lose.

 

I'm not good with words. I never have been. You could ask the little princess I guarded, Tomoyo-hime, the guardian miko of the country, the ruling leader of my land. You could ask Syaoran, who is constantly misconstruing my words, seeking the hidden meanings that he knows are there because of a certain blond wizard.

 

But I'm not heartless, and I don't lack the capacity for love. I'm just a man, and that's all I can be. I live my life to the best of my ability, that of a ninja. And I do what I'm required to do, by the code of the ninja. And I do what it takes to make others understand that I will not fall because of their pettiness.

 

So when I gave myself, my very life for that damned wizard, I didn't expect much. I hoped that his walls would fall. I hoped that he would realize that people care for him. I hoped that he would understand that there are always secondary choices. But I never thought that he would come to hate me so very much.

 

I thought it was the right thing. Even when he protested, I thought it was the right thing. How many people, when they lie dying on their beds want to just give in, to just give up? They are in so much pain, they can't do anything else, and they just want to die. And it's not fair of that bastard to want to give up so easily. I told him, I <i>told</i> him that he couldn't die. That if he wanted to die, I would kill him, when it was time for him to die. I didn't want him to think that he could be so very easily cast aside.

 

There is something about that man- that wizard- that infuriates me and makes me want to protect him. Nothing has ever made me feel so conflicted before. Nothing like what this wizard does to me. And it's infuriating, because there is nothing else I can do. I can't protect him with my sword because he's a fighter. I can't protect him with magic because I possess none. I can't protect him with words because I don't know the right ones to say.

 

I tried to do what I could, to protect him with my life as he deserved, but it seems to have been the wrong choice.

 

Why does it always turn out this way?

 

Am I cursed, cursed to live my life alone because of something that happened to me in the past? Did I enrage the gods, did I make them hate me, so that I could be left alone for the rest of my natural life?

 

Or am I just that unlucky?

 

I gave this man the opportunity to continue to live, to live on and redeem himself, to finish the changes that are affecting him and he becomes a cold beast determined to make me hate him. But it won't work. Because for too long, I've been obsessed with his happiness. I've done everything I can to make him happy, to keep him safe, to keep him pretending that everything is okay. And I refuse to let him die now.

 

So I wait, knowing that the scent of my blood is driving him to the point of madness. And I look into his transformed eye and I know that things will never be okay between us, but we have a chance.

 

He's going to take of my blood, and I'm going to always be around to give it.

 

But there's something that's stirring within me, something that's threatening to destroy me. He's been commanded to kill me if I get in his way, if I get in the way of his goals, of his purpose. He'd going to try to kill me and I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. He's a good person, he's a gentle creature and he's too kind to be forced to kill somebody he loves.

 

And yet, I am one of the many that he is determined to kill. And this is something that irks me to the very point of aggression. And so I do the only thing that I can do, I retaliate in anger. It makes me sift into my ninja training, the days when I took care of everything with the blade of my sword. It makes me become something stronger, it makes me a monster.

 

And as I deal with Fai, here in this palace of ice and snow, I become a monster.

 

Because I want Fai to stay with me.