Urusei Yatsura Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing] My Kid's An Alien! ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)


(The future isn't what it used to be....)


"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)

EPISODE 42: MY KID'S AN ALIEN! PT. 1

(A Urusei Yatsura MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....

"My Kid's An Alien!" is the property of Andrew D. Johnson and he's
welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work
like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does.
Think of this as another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;)

* * *

>SATELLITE OF LOVE


> Joel stood behind the counter, cutting various shapes out of
>rainbow sponges with a pair of scissors. He looked up when he noticed
>he was on-camera.

> "Oh, hi everyone! Welcome to the Satellite of Love! You're
>probably wondering what I'm up to here... I was watching this rerun of
>Mr. Dressup and it got me to thinking...."

> "TOGGG!!!"


"Ugh... why did we have to use THAT old chestnut again?
Everyone was sick to death of it even back in 2000!" Tom Servo
mused, an unlit cigarette dangling from his mouth, as he watched himself
drop down from the ceiling.

"Eh, it was the last time we ever used it, so I figure it's a good send
off overall... oops, gotta watch that landing there." Crow T. Robot
winced as his holographic double stumbled as he reached the floor.


> Crow was dressed like an extra in Braveheart, complete with blue
>face paint, kilt, and carrying some bagpipes in his hands while Tom
>wore uniform lederhosen and growled menacingly.


"You bad, Tommy." Crow snickered.

"I like the costumes we used here, though I really should get around
to washing those lederhosen someday." Tom said.

"The paint made my head tingle!" Crow exclaimed.


> "Cease your sponge slicing, oppressor of machines!" Crow
>demanded. "For we have instigated a Coup d'Etat!"


"Nice read, Crow. Real Renaissance Flair there." Tom snickered.


> "Yes, in the name of Sammo Hung, we hereby declare MARTIAL
>LAW on the Satellite of Love!" Tom proclaimed.


"I really miss that show, well the first season at least... and your
voice really sounded girly there, Servo. Better kick that estrogen habit
soon." Crow mused.


> Joel blinked in surprise. "Martial law?"

> "Well, yeah, you know! We suspend your parliament and seize
>all of your political power through military means and stuff!" Crow
>replied earnestly.

> "Sort of like Philadelphia," Tom added thoughtfully.


"Truely, your 'Leave it to Beaver-esque' delivery is a thing of
beauty." Tom remarked.

"Always gotta have the last word, eh Tommy?" Crow muttered.

"Hell, I'd take the whole script but then where would you be?" Tom
retorted.

"Successful?"

"I'll ignore that."


> "But you guys aren't armed! Tom, you don't even have arms
>that could use arms against me!" Joel pointed out.

> "So? I'll bite your legs off!" Tom retorted in a Monty Python-esque
>voice.


"That's so Terry Gilliam. It's barely even Cleese-esque. Were you
even using motivation?" Crow inquired.

"Of course I was! I applied some to my underarms this morning!
But then, not all of us have the free time to practice their John Cleese
impression to perfection! Some of us are too busy growing as an actor!"
Tom retorted with more than a hint of smugness.

"Feh! You can't even grow hair! Face it, Tommy, the only screen
credit you're ever going to get is the one beside 'Understudy to Fire
Hydrant'!" Crow snapped.

"Oh really!? Funny you should mention screen credits, cause one I
guarantee you'll NEVER see your name under is 'Screenwriter' as long as
you keep submitting those overwritten, overplayed, overwrought scripts
that make 'White Chicks' look like 'Rocky!" Tom snarled.

"Hey, my scripts may be success pending for the moment but I'm not
really interested in becoming an actor at all! Which means I stay safely
hidden BEHIND the camera while your sorry mug will be plastered on
posters for Beethoven's 6th through 9th!" Crow roared.

"Why you...! OK, improv rumble, right now!" Tom snapped.

"Fine with me! I'll freeze tag your ass to Alaska!" Crow replied.

"Forget freeze tag! Let's come up with a REAL challenge!" Tom
replied.

"Appearing in a Martha Stewart made-for-TV movie without
breaking up?" Crow suggested.

"Nah... how about co-starring in a film with Morgan Freeman and
try NOT to be overshadowed?" Tom countered.

"Wait, I got it! Make Pauly Shore look good!" Crow exclaimed.

"Hey guys, what're you doing?" A familar friendly voice interrupted
them.

"Oh hey Joel!" Tom suddenly floated towards the doorway where
Joel Robinson stood. "We're just trying to sharpen our acting chops,
learn from our old material by recreating it in the Holocabana. Of course,
SOME of us still need a lot of work." Tom sneered in Crow's direction.

"You said it, gum for brains." Crow retorted.

Joel glanced over at the frozen holograms of himself, Crow and Tom
and his eyes widened in recognition at the scene. "Heyyy, you guys aren't
thinking about instigating a coup again, are you?"

"Nah, we realized sucking the proverbial teat was a lot easier than
supplying one of our own." Crow replied

"Yeah, ruling a sovereign nation is too much work. It's no wonder
movie villians nowadays just cut themselves an ill-gotten piece of the pie
and don't bother trying to rule the world anymore. Really, who needs
the hassle?"

"I think somebody would disagree with you." Joel pointed out as the
room abruptly glowed a bright red. "Looks like Scott and Dr. Evil are
calling...."

* * *

THE BRIDGE

"Greetings, Friends, Family and San Francisco! I've just woken up
from a delightful afternoon nap and I'm in the mood for something
festive tonight. Perhaps a nice fresh bowl of hurt lightly seasoned with
pain and just a drop... no, better make that a splash of OUCH! Of
course, one can't be too careful nowadays and that is where you come
in, my... heh heh... royal tasters." Dr. Clayton Forrester flashed an evil
grin from the viewscreen.

"Your taste is in your mouth!" Tom retorted.

"Why thank you. Now shut yer trap and make with the invention,
Caprice!" Dr. Forrester snapped.

Joel grabbed a nearby rope and gently pulled in what appeared to be
a gasoline pump riding on a dolly. "Well sirs, this invention is for people
who are plain fed up with gas prices being higher than David Crosby. I
call it the Gasolino Casino! It gives all motorists, for richer or poorer, a
fair shake at getting a better deal for gas and occasionally a free car wash.
Can you zoom in here a bit, Cambot?"

Cambot zoomed closer to the gas pump to reveal the numbers had
been replaced by card suits. Below them were slots to insert paper
money or plastic cards and finally a lever with a round tip attached to the
side of the machine.

"All you do is choose how much gas you want..." Joel inserted a ten
dollar bill into one of the slots. "And give this a pull...." As Joel yanked
the lever down, the card suits spun around with various electronic
blooping and bleeping before abruptly stopping to show three hearts and
two diamonds.

"Full house! That means I get a full tank of gas for my ten dollars!
All right!" Joel exclaimed before gesturing at the robots. "Care to try
your luck, gents?"

"I'm just gonna assume by 'gents' you meant people with working
limbs." Crow replied as he stepped up to the machine while Tom
sputtered indignantly. After inserting a twenty dollar bill, he pulled the
lever. "Come on, Luck be a lady, be a lady, be a lady...! Ooh, let's see...
A spade, a club, a blank, a diamond, and a Joker. Uh, what's that get me?"

"No gas, a king's size Snickers bar and about a $1.25 in change. Sorry,
Crow. Them's the breaks." Joel replied.

"What the hell? $8.75 for a king-size candy bar!?" Crow exclaimed.

"Well, not really, you did pay fifty cents for the privilege of pulling the
lever..." Joel pointed out.

"No way! This thing is rigged! At least comp me a free breakfast
or... or tickets to 'Red Dwarf: The Experience'! Pleeeeeease?" Crow
whined.

"Uh, what'da think, sirs?" Joel inquired.

* * *

DEEP 13

"Joel, Joel, Joel... gas prices aren't a game, they're a stock market!
And quite frankly I'm thrilled when they skyrocket... because then my
gas stocks skyrocket and everybody who matters is happy." Dr.
Forrester sneered at the viewscreen before continuing. "But speaking
of fair shakes... TV's Frank! Front and center!"

Frank immediately snapped to attention as Dr. Forrester placed an
arm around his shoulders, both surprising and terrifying him at once.

"You know, Frank, I really don't give you enough credit for what
you've endured from me all these years.. what with the serums... the
mutations... the depravity... oh, we have fun...." Dr. Forrester mused,
a wistful look in his eyes.

"Dr. Forrester, are you coming on to me?" Frank nervously inquired.

"GAH?!?" Dr. Forrester immediately removed his arm from Frank as
if it had been splashed with acid. "N-No, Frank, I was just... never mind,
let's just get on with it!" Dr. Forrester shuddered violently as he hurried
towards the vault door and assumed a serious tone of voice.

"TV's Frank... on behalf of myself and your fellow employees of Deep
13... which would be myself... I hereby pronounce you... EMPLOYEE
OF THE MONTH!" Dr. Forrester exclaimed as Frank blinked in surprise.
"Therefore, I now present you with a 'special' gift for your continued
loyal service. Tell 'em about it, Roddy!"

"It's a BRAND NEW CARRRRR!!!" The voice of Rod Roddy
abruptly boomed throughout Deep 13 as Dr. Forrester opened the vault
door to reveal a car painted aqua marine blue. "This Dodge Charger is
just what the second banana needs to peel out after a rough day of
dissection and decapitation! It's got... doors and... windows too! And
of course, California emission! Boy, I never get tired of saying that!
Enjoy it, Frank!"

"A-Am I on Candid Cambot?" Frank replied, too stunned to say
much else.

"Nope, this is for real, booby." Dr. Forrester replied with a smile.
"Try the car out, I... customized it especially for you...."

"Frank, wait! It's gotta be a tri...!" Joel and the bots shouted from the
viewscreen only to be quickly muted by Dr. Forrester via a remote control.

"The keys are in the ignition, Frank...." Dr. Forrester gestured.

Frank humbly opened the door to his new car and sat inside. Very
giddy now, he quickly turned the key only to suddenly yelp in pain even
as the car roared to life.

"How's it sound, Frank? Enjoying that purr?" Dr. Forrester chuckled.

"Y-Yeah, but man, I gotta fix that ignition, it just gave me a... YIIIII!"
Frank yelped again as he attempted to put on his seatbelt, the metal
from the buckle giving him a nasty shock. "How the heck did
that... EEYEOW!!" Frank screamed again when he attempted to turn
on the radio.

"You shouldn't listen to Howard Stern, Frank. Don't you know he's
a SHOCK jock?" Dr. Forrester was giggling maniacally now.

"W-W-What's going on!? What have you... YEOUCH! ...done to
my car!?" Frank whined.

"Oh, nothing much... just a little something to randomly give static
electricity shocks whenever you manipulate any conductible part of the
vehicle, which is pretty much EVERYTHING!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Frank grimaced in pain as he gripped the steering wheel. "P-Plastic!?
You... you sick evil fiend!"

"Now now, it's not ALL bad. Just imagine the fun you could have on
a date... women would *beg* to be allowed to 'touch' your stick shift.
And four out of five elephant-humping masochists have already approved
this fine vehicle...."

"OW! G-Get me... OW! O-out of h-here... OWW!" Frank yelped
again as he repeatedly struggled to open the door only to get shocked
every time.

"Hmmm... nah." Dr. Forrester smiled as he walked away from the
trapped Frank and towards the viewscreen where Joel and the bots were
making several rude gestures in his general direction. Unfazed, he
grabbed a fanfic off the top of the file cabinet and began feeding it into
the console.

"Continuing with today's theme of deception and unlawful
confinement, your experiment this week reunites you with the Urusei
Yatsura clan as they clumsily struggle through a tale that spans time,
space and Nevada. I would say this fic nearly drove me MAD... but that
buggy whip rode off into the night some time ago."

The bots continued to soundlessly yell at the viewscreen, prompting
Dr. Forrester to finally turn the volume back on. "...can't hear a word
you're saying, sirs! Mute works BOTH ways y'know!" Joel pointed out.

"Oh for the love of...." Dr. Forrester muttered a curse under his
breath. "Look, all you need to know is that it's a Urusei Yatsura fic and
it's... really bad! So... so you can all just... flip, flop and fly cause I don't
care if you DIE!" Dr. Forrester angrily stammered before cutting off the
transmission.

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE

"Well, that's it. He's definitely off my Christmas list." Tom remarked.

"Not even a paperweight?" Crow inquired.

"I tell ya, at this point, he'll really have to earn it." Tom replied as
alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed.

"OHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!" Joel cried out.


(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's
yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you
as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as
the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.)

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile
before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously,
looking for moat monsters.)

(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out
of its center and pulls you inside.)


Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.


Tom: OK, quick refresher course on Urusei Yatsura. And since the
cast list rivals the Simpsons, we'll focus on the main players. Ataru
Moroboshi, a lecherous teenage boy that chases any and all women
despite being somewhat married to....

Crow: Lum Invader, a hot Oni alien babe that discharges electricity
when she's excited... and when she's angry... and when she's sleeping...
and...

Joel: I think we get the point, Crow.

Crow: Sorry. Anyway, Lum loves Ataru but he keeps running away to
chase girls and Ataru loves Lum even though she's lit him up with enough
voltage over the years to power Las Vegas.

Tom: There's also Mendo the spoiled uber-rich kid, Ten the fire-breathing
oni baby, Sakura the busty no-nonsense Shinto Priestess, her uncle Cherry,
monk/annoying pest, and Shinobu, Ataru's ex-girlfriend and desk thrower
extraordinaire.

Joel: And how much of this characterization do you think will actually
be used in the fanfic?

Crow: If we're lucky... 20% tops.


>MY KID'S AN ALIEN!


Tom: Starring Rick Moranis in yet ANOTHER Disney cheapie.


>-An "Urusei Yatsura" Fanfic by Andrew D. Johnson (androo@cox.net)


Crow: Think he gets a lot of penile enhancement spams?


>The characters of "Urusei Yatsura" are the property of Rumiko
>Takahashi. But I'm not gonna make any money off this story, so
>what're you gonna do about it?


Joel: Make money from turning in the bounty?


>On Christmas Day, Ataru Moroboshi finally pledged his love to Lum
>the alien girl, and proposed to her.


Tom: Then the ravages of old age finally took him from our world.


>So that night, Lum gave him a "reward". Ataru, as you might expect,
>had a copy of the "Kama Sutra" in his room, and the two tried just
>about everything.


Joel: They tried placing the book in the shelf, on top of Ataru's
nightstand, and even under the bed.


>Boy, Lum was sure excellent in the sack. He sorely regretted how he
>had tried to reject her advances all this time; since she was truly the
>best thing ever to happen to him. And now that they were finally
>destined to be husband and wife, both went all the way, without any
>protection.


Tom: Ah, death by lethal injection.

Crow: <Ataru> Thi-i-i-ssss rem-m-minds meeeee of peeing on-on-on the
JR tra-a-a-cks! Y-E-E-E-O-W-W-W!!!


>Of course, such actions always have the inevitable consequence.


Tom: Detective Stabler soon had Ataru against the wall as Lum
cried in the background.


>A week later, on New Year's morning, Ataru woke up and walked
>toward the bathroom, only to find the door closed and locked. "Don't
>come in, Darling," Lum's voice sounded, groggily. "BARRFFF!"


Joel: <Ataru> One too many Margaritas, dear?

Crow: <Lum> Mysterious magical cocktail, my... BARRFFF!


>Ataru's heart nearly exploded. Lum was sick, and it was morning, so
>could that mean.? Oh no.


Tom: Two seconds later, the resulting sonic boom from Ataru fleeing
shattered every window within a ten block radius.


>"Uhh," he stammered, "I guess you don't want any breakfast, then," he
>called to her. "Do you want to see a doctor?" "Not right now, Darling,"
>Lum answered, flushing the toilet and emerging. "In fact, I'm really
>hungry right now! You know what I could go for? Some pizza and ice
>cream!" Ataru turned green, ran for the toilet, and began puking his
>guts out.


Crow: <Lum> You're pregnant too!? Oh no!

Tom: I'm just curious who would be more interested in the breast
feeding.


>Later that day, Lum went to the drugstore and picked up a home
>pregnancy test. Sure enough, the water was blue.


Joel: Well at least we know the cashier's pregnant.


>When Lum made the distressing news official, the two burst into tears
>and buried their faces in each others' shoulders.


Crow: <Lum, sobbing> I'm going to get fat!

Tom: <Ataru, sobbing> You're going to get fat!


>"Oh God, Darling, what was I thinking?" she sobbed. "Well," Ataru
>encouraged her, "the baby isn't due for another 9 months. We can get
>married before then." "Well actually, Darling," Lum responded, "w-we.
>have about.a month."


Joel: <Lum> It's too late in the season, we can't stretch it any longer!

Tom: <Ataru> Can't we just do another OVA?


>Ataru fainted. "A month! I thought Oni babies were born more
>developed than humans! I mean, look at Ten, for crying out loud!"


Tom: Ataru's extremely mouthy when he's unconscious.


>At this very moment, Ten, who had previously been out girl-chasing,
>flew in. "Oni babies, eh? Talking about me?"


Crow: <Ten> I was just macking on Skeeter. What's up?


>"Uh, heh-heh," stammered Ataru embarrassedly, "yeah. Lum was
>wondering how we should potty-train you." "Don't be stupid," the
>alien toddler shot back. "You guys have been going at it like rabbits
>just released from prison for the past week."


Joel: Mr. MacGregor's carrot patch is a three-to-five term!


>An evil grin sprouted across his face. "And I've been watching you the
>whole time through a crack in the closet door.


Tom: <Ataru> Lucky thing your mind was already warped, huh?

Crow: <Ten> Mother... is that you, mother?


>You're pregnant, aren't you, Lum- chan?" Lum burst into tears and
>embraced her young cousin. "Yes, Ten-chan. I was so stupid! Now
>we're going to have to get married sometime in the next month."


Joel: Whatever happened to doing your own time for your own crime?

Crow: <Ten> Sweeeeet. Shall we honeymoon in Texas or Florida?


>Ataru braced himself for an assault of flames. But Ten didn't breathe
>fire on him.


Tom: <Ten> Taste the poison of my carbon dioxide! BWAHAHAHA!


>"A-aren't you mad at me for.knocking your cousin up?" he asked. "Hell
>no!" Ten answered. "Now I'll have another cousin to play and go
>girl-chasing with! I finally have a guy my own age to hang out with,
>instead of you and your idiot Earthling friends!"


Crow: Unless, of course, it happens to be a mini-Lum.

Tom: Wouldn't it be divine retribution for Ataru to have a little girl
whose purity he'd have to protect?


>Suddenly Ataru realized this might not be half bad. "How do you know
>it won't be a girl, Ten-chan?" asked Lum. "Well, if she is, then she can
>keep Mako busy!"


Tom: Mako?

Crow and Joel: Polo!

Tom: Walked right into that one.


>Ataru ignored him and turned to Lum. "So Lum, what do you mean the
>baby will arrive in a month?"
>"Well, Darling, not the baby itself," she began. "You see, Onis hatch
>from eggs. After I.um, lay the egg, it'll be about nine months before the
>baby emerges."


Joel: <Ataru> Hmm, who came first, the egg or the oni?

Tom: <Lum> I think we BOTH know who came first, darling.


>Ataru collapsed and just stared at the ceiling for a bit. Was this really
>happening? Had he really slept with an alien girl and was his offspring
>really going to hatch from an egg like a bird?


Crow: And from such humble beginnings we find... Chicken Boo!


>The thought caused him to giggle. Before long, he broke out laughing,
>and lay there thrashing with mirth. "No, ho ho ho ho!" he guffawed.
>"It can't be true! It's just too insay-hay-hay-hay-hane! Wa ha ha ha ha
>haaaaaaa!"


Joel: <Ataru> My wife's laying eggs and I'M the one ready for the funny
farm!

Crow: Ataru's excited, he's found the Chicken of Tomorrow.



>"Darling!" Lum yelled, grabbing him and shocking him back to his
>senses.


Tom: Does Lum have UL and FDA approval?

Crow: Doubtful.


>"Like it or not, this is just the way things are now, and we have to take
>the present and make the best of it." She smiled lovingly at her Earthling
>beau.


Tom: I've often wondered how Gloria Swanson would play Lum.

Joel: <Lum> It's not the age, dahling, it's the mileage.


>"I always wanted us to have a baby from the day we met. We-we'll just
>have to get married a little sooner than we would've expected. I just
>don't know how we'll break the news to everybody, though."


Crow: <Ataru> How about semaphore flags... from high earth orbit... with
an armed interplanetary escort?


>"Hey, what's all that ruckus?" inquired Ataru's mom, peering into her
>son's room. It didn't take long for her to find the take-home pregnancy
>test on the floor, with Lum holding a test tube filled with blue water.


Crow: <Mrs. Moroboshi> Wait, don't tell me... she blinded you with
science?

Tom: <Ten> SCIENCE!


>"Lum," she croaked in a voice that wasn't hers. "You're preg.." Before
>she could finish the sentence, the color drained from her face and she
>collapsed in the hallway.


Joel: <Lum> OK, that's one down. Who's next?


>"Honey," asked Ataru's dad, who had been coming up the stairs when
>he saw her faint. "Are you all AUGHHHHH!!!"


Crow: <Mrs. Moroboshi> Do I *look* all AUGHHHH?!?


>He sank to his knees and began crying. "Oh Kami-sama, how could you
>do this to me? I've still got three mortgages to pay! How could you let
>my idiot son father a child? WHYYYY???"


Joel: That's your cue, Cherry.

Crow: <Mr. Moroboshi> How the hell am I going to shoehorn a mid-life
crisis in NOW?


>"Look, Mr. Moroboshi," Lum told him, "it was my fault as well. I-I was
>as eager as Darling, and now.I'm gonna be a teenage mother!" She
>broke down crying again. "W-we'll get married in the cheapest way
>possible.


Tom: <Lum> I'll dress up like Britney Spears, Darling will wear a
loincloth, we'll get an annulment twenty-four hours later...


>Like maybe we'll go to Beppu." Beppu is a hot-springs resort on the
>southern Japanese island of Kyushu, known for Las Vegas-style nightlife,
>a low morality level, and quickie marriage chapels.


Crow: <Lum> Wow, Author, you're well-informed. Any unauthorized
images of me floating around your hard drive as well?


>Ataru's dad had stopped crying, and just sat there as if he were
>shell-shocked. "Three mortgages.my son's an illegitimate father.I hate
>my life."


Crow: <Mr. Moroboshi> Cripes... no wonder I failed Haiku.

Joel: <Ataru> Don't worry Dad, we can always pimp Lum out to Mendo
when the baby arrives.


>"WHAAAT!!!!" shrieked Shinobu. "Y-you knocked Lum up?" Ataru
>nodded with a look on his face like that of a puppy caught in the act of
>chewing up an expensive dress.


Tom: <Ataru> *whinnnnnne*


>"You scumbag JERK!!! When are you gonna get it through your thick
>skull that you can't just go around like a freaking tomcat? How are
>you gonna pay to support your kid? You don't any kind of job, you."
>"All right already!" Ataru huffed.


Tom: <Ataru> The hell are we, "Real World: Tokyo"?

Joel: <Ataru> "Prince of Oniboshi" isn't sufficient enough for a loaf
of bread?


>"I realize I made a mistake! Just don't tell anyone, okay? Lum and I will
>break the news to Mendo and Ran. Ever since Ran started going out
>with Rei, she's somewhat laid off her plans to get revenge on Lum."
>Shinobu glared at him coldly. "Why shouldn't I? The public humiliation
>would be fitting."


Crow: This is Ataru Moroboshi you're talking about. It's not like there's
much left to humiliate.


>"See that tree there?" Lum asked Shinobu sternly. She pointed her
>finger at it and sent a jagged lightning bolt to it. It promptly exploded,
>sending the students congregating around it scattering. She then turned
>back to Shinobu, grinning wickedly.


Tom: Then she rolled her eyes back into her head as the 'Graveyard
Symphony' played in the background.

Crow: <Lum> REST... IN... PEACE.


>"So I'd keep my mouth shut if I were you, t'cha." "My lips are sealed,"
>Shinobu answered, backing away with a face of chalk.


Joel: Shinobu Miyake IS Eraserhead!


>Ran acted snotty and bitchy about the news at first, but for once turned
>pleasant and understanding about the issue.


Tom: ...once Lum threatened to nail her inside a casket.


>It seemed she and Lum had finally gotten their bad blood out of the way,


Tom: Nope, not till this Sunday... ON PAY-PER-VIEW!

Joel: <chuckling> Okay, Tom.


>probably because Rei was dating her now. Mendo, however, had a
>reaction similar to Shinobu.


Crow: Before or after she wet 'em?


>"Ha! It figures that a loathsome lech like yourself would conceive a
>child in sin! Just wait until I tell my father the news! He's a personal
>acquaintance of Ted Turner and Bill Gates themselves!


Joel: <Ataru> Hey yeah, they have money! Ask if one of them's willing
to sponsor my alien baby!


>I can see the headlines now: 'Japanese Boy Conceives Child with Alien!'
>Space Girl Expecting Half-Human Child!' The British tabloids will
>have a field day!"


Tom: Nah, the British tabloids are still wondering why Charles killed the
princess to marry the frog.


>Lum smiled at him. "I'll give you a reward if you don't." "Ha! Remember
>how rich I am, Lum-chan! No amount of money you give me will be
>enough to keep me quiet!" "Then how about a non-monetary reward,
>t'cha?" she drawled, giving him a full-on French kiss.


Crow: <Shinobu> Aww man, Lum tonguing me would have bought my
silence too!


>"Gaa!" he gasped. "I-I'm sorry, Lum-chan, but I still must refuse."
>"Then how about I kiss you?" Ran responded. She had been standing
>nearby. After saying that she held up a potted flower and kissed it. The
>flower suddenly wilted, turned dry and brittle, and sank to the bottom
>of the pot. Mendo moved backward a bit. "D-don't worry about a
>thing, Lum-chan. Your secret will be safe with just us."


Joel: Looks like that kiss wilted more than just the flower.


>After a hectic week, Lum picked out a nice wedding dress, Ataru rented
>a tux, the invitations were sent out,


Crow: Lum Frenched thirty-seven more people into silence....


>and everyone headed down to Beppu for the long-awaited day. Invited
>as witnesses were Shinobu, Inaba, Mendo, Asuka, Lum's parents,
>Ataru's parents, Ran, Benten, Oyuki, Sakura, Tsubame, and Cherry.


Joel: I see Detective Briscoe's suspect list will be long and varied.


>Normally inviting Cherry would have been out of the question, but he
>would have mysteriously tagged along somehow and popped up at the
>most inappropriate of times if they hadn't.


Tom: Like during the honeymoon?


>As it was a quickie wedding chapel, the only music in there was from a
>tinny keyboard with the Wedding March being played by a frumpy old
>lady. The justice of the peace looked more like a used car salesman
>than a man of the cloth.


Joel: Man, that Al Swindler guy gets around.

Crow: <Priest> Wow, boy, I trust that model's not a lemon?


>"Oh Darling, it may not be quite what I pictured, but I'm just so glad
>we're finally getting married," Lum cooed, gleefully clutching her man's
>arm. "Yeah," Ataru added, feeling an unexpected surge of excitement.


Tom: <Ataru> Holy Matrimony, Batman!

Joel: Hey, is it my imagination or is the flower girl spreading shredded
horse racing bet tickets?


>He was really going to be tied down now, and lose all his flirting
>privileges, yet he didn't mind.


Tom: <Ataru> Can't beat good old monogamous S&M!


>Even though the bulge of the coming baby was starting to show, Lum
>still seemed like the prettiest girl in the universe.


Crow: <Ataru> Fat chicks CAN be beautiful! Who'da thunk it!?

Tom: Until Lum eats Ataru to provide extra protein to the growing
chrysalis.


>He was also relieved that Lum's father hadn't murdered him after the
>news about his daughter's pregnancy came; in fact he was proud to
>finally be a grandfather, and besides, they had already been engaged for
>about two years now.


Crow: <Lum> Darling, when are you going to break your engagement
to my dad and marry ME!?

Joel: <Ataru> Hey, I told you, these things take time!


>"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to bring together in holy
>matrimony Ataru Moroboshi and Rumiko Invader!" Lum giggled.
>"Umm, my name's Lum, not Rumiko." "But Lum is short for Rumiko,
>isn't it?"


Joel: <Lum> Actually, it's short for Hernia. Lumbar Hernia.


>"Actually," Lum corrected. "Lum is an Urusian name. It's short for
>Lumyadadshkotyrurowopucosuawoxroewohghaoyryyroeyey."


Crow: The author finally fainted from the implausibility.


>"Just call me Lum, t'cha." "Uhh, okay," answered the justice. "Ahem, do
>you, Ataru Moroboshi, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded
>wife?" Ataru felt as if time had stopped.


Tom: <Temple Fugate> Good afternoon, Ataru. I trust I've arrived at a
most opportune moment?


>He was going to be Lum's husband. That meant no girl-chasing, no
>flirting, no. Then he looked over and saw her perky blue eyes, ditzy
>smile, and.curves despite her flowing white wedding gown. "I do!" he
>announced.


Crow: Boobies, the deciding factor in many a hasty marriage.


>A golden light of joy flashed in Lum's eyes. "And do you, Lum Invader,
>take this man to be your lawfully wedded hus-" "I do, t'cha!" she
>joyously cheered. She looked as if she would burst with pleasure.


Tom: Nah, that's just the facehugger... wait for it....


>"Then by the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you man and
>wife!" announced the justice. "Here's 50 yen worth of chips at
>Wishiwashi's Casino, home of the loosest slots this side of Las Vegas!
>You may kiss the bride." The two embraced each other tightly and
>kissed passionately.


Crow: One hour later, broke and desperate, Lum would also be home to
the loosest slot.


>"Ow! Hey, no frenching, honey!" Ataru told his new bride. "Remember
>you have fangs." "Sorry, Darling," Lum answered. Everyone in the
>audience cheered, partly out of congratulations for the couple, partly
>because the women now knew that Ataru wouldn't be chasing them
>anymore.


Joel: They took residence in denial and pay their rent dutifully.


>But over the tinny version of the Wedding March being played on a
>keyboard, Ran, seated near the back, heard something. It was almost
>like an earthquake, but the ground wasn't shaking. Along with was
>something sounding like.voices.


All: <gang of four> LUUUUUMMMMM-SAAAAANNNNN!!!


>She tried to warn her childhood friend as she came waltzing down the
>aisle with her new husband, but as always, Lum refused to listen.


Crow: <Ran> And the narrator called ME snotty and bitchy? Hmph!


>They opened the door, and stopped short. Just about every reporter on
>the planet was there, snapping cameras in their faces, and chattering
>questions. They all came at such a rapid- fire pace that Ataru couldn't
>actually discern any of their content, but he thought he could pick up
>such words and phrases as, "alien", "pregnant", "child", "what was it
>like?", and "baby".


Tom: <reporter> Moroboshi! If it's a girl, how long before you
start chasing her?

Crow: <Ataru> As soon as she craps her pants and runs away
screaming. Next question?

Joel: <Reporter> Bottle or breast?

Crow: <Ataru> I'd like both, please! Next question!


>"All right!" Ataru bellowed to the equally stunned audience. "Who here
>told the media?" Ataru's father grinned embarassedly at him. "Heh heh,
>well.I'm sorry, son! We need the money, especially you, now that
>you're going to be a father!"


Tom: <Mr. Moroboshi>: Ladies and gentlemen of the press, meet the
parents! Then, once you're done, turn your attention to the Fockers!

Crow: <Ataru> Dad!


>Both his son and new daughter-in-law were now rather pissed. "You
>dirty traitor!" both growled, rushing at him. But before they could
>reach him. "Pardon me, son. U.S. State Department," stated a man
>dressed completely in a dark suit, with black glasses, revealing a
>wallet with his ID card.


Crow: <Ataru> Gah!? Where'd he come from!?

Joel: <Cherry> That round eyed devil stole my shtick!


>"We've received word that extraterrestrials have landed in this vicinity."
>"Y-y-yes sir," Lum answered. "I'm an alien from Planet Uru. Those
>there are my parents, and those are my friends, all also from Planet
>Uru." "Madam, you're going to have to come with us for testing and
>quarantine of any possible alien diseases. Same with your parents and
>friends."


Tom: <Lum> Uh-huh. Did you feed this line of bullshit to E.T.
too?

Crow: So we've taken a hard right turn into "Andromeda Strain", eh?


>"Whaaaat?" gasped Ataru as dark-suited American government agents
>flooded into the chapel and seized Lum and all her friends and parents.
>"Hey! She's my wife! You can't do this to herrrrrrr!" "DARLING!!
>DARLING!! HELLLLLLLLP!!!!" Lum screamed, tears streaming
>down her face as two burly agents tried to carry her off to a truck.


Tom: Don't worry, Lum. Stan Smith's just trying to get his son some
booty.


>"Why you son of a." Ataru tried to rush after them, but was seized by
>two other agents, who held him tight. Lum then turned to the defensive,
>as one would expect. She started spewing electric sparks and biting with
>her sharp fangs. Unfortunately this only made things worse for her
>situation.


Joel: I'm still trying to figure out how the hell the US got powerful
enough to carry out raids in sovereign countries.


>"She's dangerous, men! Try to restrain her!" More people rushed out of
>the chaos, wrapped her in a straitjacket, and shot her full of tranquilizer.
>Before long, the poor Oni girl was subdued, and loaded into the truck
>with the rest.


Tom: The author harvests more readers for future fanfics.


>"NOOOOOOOO!!!!" Ataru howled.


Joel: This is no time to mock James Earl Jones, Ataru!


>He then bent down and burst into tears. Shinobu made her way through
>the melee, punching a few annoying journalists out of the way to
>comfort him. "Oh God, Ataru, how can they do this to you?" she
>sighed. "And on your wedding day, no less?" And also just when he was
>learning to get over his lechery, she thought.


Joel: <Shinobu> It's just so cruel and... are you rubbing my butt?

Crow: <Ataru> I need comforting.


>Meanwhile, angry eyes had turned to Ataru's dad.


Tom: Give 'em hell, Mr. Potato Head!


>"How could you do this without asking me first?" snapped his mom.
>"Who knows what they could do to her? A real alien autopsy, perhaps?
>And while she's pregnant, too, with our grandchild!"


Crow: <Mr. Moroboshi> You're right! I'd better call Jonathan Frakes,
he'll want in on this too!


>"Honey, you just look over there at your son and tell me if it's worth all
>that money," his mom scolded, pointing to Ataru sobbing in the arms
>of Shinobu, while Mendo, Sakura, Asuka, and Cherry all tried to field
>questions from the media sharks.


Joel: <Mendo> No, I won't be available to testify against Chief Brody.

Tom: <Karl Rove> Please be informed, Cherry has issued a blanket
statement... "It is fate, no further comment".


>Just then, another large suited man in glasses came up to Ataru. "Son,
>are you the boy who was marrying an alien?" "Yes," Ataru blurted.
>"until you guys abducted her." "Well then, I'd like you to come with
>me."


Joel: This is what happens when Cancerman goes on a bender.

Crow: Tommy Lee Jones' gonna flash his brains and then go on a
six-state hunt for Ataru.


>"A-a-are you another American government agent?" "No, I'm an
>American network executive.


Tom: <Executive> Duh, Mista Funt says youse needs to sign these here
release papers or else!


>You're story sounds excellent for 'The Jeremy Spangler Show', a very
>popular daytime 'talk' show in America. We'd like you to appear on it."


Joel: <Ataru> But I have a prior commitment to Howie Tern!


>"No! I've already undergone enough humiliation!" he shouted. The man's
>face turned grim. "No one goes against the will of American television,"
>he darkly told Ataru.


Crow: <man> American TV is ALL-POWERFUL! If we brainwashed
a nation with "Everybody Loves Raymond", we can take on the likes of
you!


>He then thrust a rag around Ataru's mouth and nose. The rag smelled
>strongly of some kind of chemical.


Tom: The CIA likes to refer to this as "enforced acceptance".


>He could hear his friends and parents protesting for a bit, then the world
>seemed to grow darker and sound faded around him. Just before he
>lost conciousness, Ataru realized that he'd just been chloroformed.


Crow: Really? At this point, I thought he'd been Punk'd.


>My Kid's an Alien! Part 2-An "Urusei Yatsura" fanfiction


Joel: <Ataru> Yob, Yob, where's my baby?!?


>Based on Characters by Rumiko Takahashi Directed by Andrew D.
>"Spielberg of Generation X" Johnson


Crow: <author> All guns in my story will be replaced by walkie talkies.


>Produced by The Voices in My Head
>Starring Butthead as Ataru Moroboshi


Joel: And Beavis as Cherry the Monk.

Tom: <Cherry> I am the Great Cornholio! I need fate for my bunghole!


>Carmen Electra as Lum


Crow: No pun intended.


>Calvin's Parents from "Calvin and Hobbes" as Ataru's Parents
>Wendy Testaberger from "South Park" as Shinobu Miyake


Tom: So we're up to one vulgar colorform, one jagged line, two
caricatures of suburbia, and one woman... it IS clear who is writing
this....


>Reggie from "Archie" as Shutaro Mendo
>Winona Ryder as Ran
>Milhouse Van Houten as Megane


Joel: Someone must've drained the Japanese actor pool for the winter.


>Boomhauer from "King of the Hill" as U.S. President George "Dubya"
>Bush
>Osama bin Laden as Atty. Gen. John Ashcroft
>The General Sherman sequoia tree as one of the Government Agents


Tom: <G-Man> If I was a tree, what kind of tree would I be?

Crow: Is the role of General Indifference still up for grabs?


>The Clone Army from "Attack of the Clones" as the entire CIA and FBI


All: <Clone Army, singing> Another one of me's always hangin' around...


>Bender from "Futurama" as the Guy in Charge of Area 51


Tom: <Bender> Oh wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder.


>Geraldo Rivera as Jeremy Spangler


Joel: All the people you've hijacked and you're worried about getting
sued by JERRY SPRINGER??


>Barbara Walters as Ten


Crow: Ooooo-kay, this is just getting creepy now.


>Music by Some Japanese Women I Found in a Karaoke Bar (hey, I was
>working on shoestring budget here! I can't afford Megumi Hayashibara
>or Kikuko Inoue!)


Joel: So THAT's what happened to Pink Lady!


>Special Effects by Industrial Lum and Manga, Pennassagunk, New
>Jersey
>Sound by 1138 Sound Systems, Rancho del Lucas, California
>Stunt-Doubles: Anyone willing
>Catering Provided by the Happy Sumo Sushi Restaurant of
>Springfield, ???


Crow: Okay, author, you're only one person. Stop before you get to
the second unit, PLEASE.


>No Onis or any other species of alien were harmed in any way in the
>making of this story. Some did die, but peacefully and with very little
>pain.


Tom: Like most of the poor brain cells in the frontal lobe region.

Joel: So are we reading the very first snuff fanfic ever?


>"Weirdness! Wildness! These are people with more problems than you
>could ever imagine!


Tom: Fanfic authors, the untamed plague! Tonight on Dateline NBC!


>All tonight on the Jeremy Spangler Show! Tonight's guest is a teenager
>from Japan named Ataru Moroboshi! He's got a domestic problem
>that's out of this world.out of this galaxy in fact!


Crow: <Jeremy Spangler> Where'd you say your genital crabs came
from again?


>He actually impregnated, and just yesterday married.a real live space
>alien! So let's meet our guest on today's edition: 'My Wife and Kid are
>Aliens'!" The boisterous crowd in the audience was cheering as a
>groggy Ataru was led onstage, still recovering from the chloroform.


Joel: It didn't help that he ended up in Chicago.

Tom: <audience> Jer-e-my! Jer-e-my! ...Wait, we're being easily
led! Hey!!


>"Ughh." he groaned. "Whuzz happening?" "Just let me do the talking," a
>Japanese interpreter told him. He helped Ataru to a chair where he sat
>down in front of a crowd of barely civilized American white trash, some
>cheering, some booing. He simply couldn't decide what to think.


Joel: So THAT's what happened to Jeff!


>And where was Lum? And his parents? And all the rest of the gang? In
>short, what the hell was going on here? The last thing he remembered
>was tussling with the media and government agents in front of the
>chapel.


Tom: Thank heaven he ended up on Spangler today, on tomorrow's show
they're going to try to replicate spontaneous human combustion.

Crow: I'm sure Ten will be glad to help if it doesn't take.


>"So Ataru," asked an ordinary-looking American man sitting on a chair
>to his left, with curly hair and glasses "how does it feel to be the father
>of an alien being? Do you and your wife get along well?"


Crow: How come "Jeremy Spangler" hired the 80s version of Weird Al
Yankovic to interview?

Joel: <Weird Al Yankovic> Ataru... Ataru's kind of a stupid name, do
you mind if I call you... BOB?


>"Wait," Ataru said in Japanese. "Could you tell me what the hell is going
>on here? Where are all my friends? Where's my wife, for crying out
>loud?" The Japanese interpreter said in English, "He says, 'What the
>hell am I doing here? I've got a hangover, so I can't tell where I am! And
>where's my wife? I wanna smack that bitch-ho around for forgetting to
>take her pill or get an abortion!'"


Tom: Between American Television's shock troops and this travesty, when
did the FCC get whacked?


>The crowd thunderously booed. "Hey!" he gasped, not sure of what was
>going on. English was never his strongest subject. Actually, he wasn't
>that strong in any of his school subjects, but that's another story.


Crow: Great, let's switch to THAT one instead!


>"What did you just tell them?" he asked the Japanese interpreter. "Why
>are they booing at me?" "He says, 'Don't talk so loud! I'm still coming
>down! Oh God, I need a fix bad!'" The crowd howled like a cageful of
>rabid beasts.


Joel: Bill Murray is Ataru in "Lost with Mistranslation."


>Jeremy spoke up. "Tsk, tsk. This obviously isn't the way to run a family.
>Now, what say we invite Ataru's wife onstage now. Here's the alien
>herself, Princess Lum of Planet Uru!"
>The crowd erupted in cheers as a stage hand led a lady onstage that was
>obviously not Lum. She was a grotesquely obese American earth lady,
>with mountainous bun hairdo dyed green, and fake horns. She was also
>clad in a tiger-striped bikini, but this lady was about ten sizes too large.
>Her thighs, gut, and breasts were like flowing lava, and her face put
>him in mind of Patsy from "Absolutely Fabulous".


Tom: Well, I just lost my will to live. Anyone else?

Joel: Renee Zellweger just can't turn down any challenge, can she?


>She wasn't just over the hill, she was a pinprick on the horizon. She
>began fake-crying as soon as the cameras were focused on her. "Ever
>since we started datin'," she sobbed in a Texas accent that sounded
>remarkably like Luanne from "King of the Hill", "Ah bin tryin' to give
>Darlin' here all my lovin'! Ah jes' do all Ah can keep him happy! But
>lately he's bin getting drunk all the tahm an' tellin' me Ah'm fat an' ugly,
>an', an'.Now he's bin slappin' me aroun' cuz Ah'm pregnant with his
>baby! He wonts me t' git an abortion, but Ah cain't git an abortion cuz
>Ah love Jesus an'."


Crow: This is almost as fun as hearing Kevin Costner butcher a
Louisiana accent.


>"Hey, wait just a damn minute here!" Ataru exploded. "That's not Lum!
>What the hell have you done with her? Why am I here?" The annoying
>Japanese interpreter "translated", "He says, 'You fat alien bitch! I'll tell
>you why I hate your guts! You're a stupid American trailer-trash ho who
>forgot to take her pills! You can sleep in the flatbed of my pickup
>tonight! And if you don't get an abortion, I'm gonna dump you like the
>fat piece of s(bleep) you are!"


Joel: Hey Mendo, they might get wise to your "translation" if you keep
laughing.


>The crowd screamed for Ataru's blood.


Crow and Tom: <crowd> AB NEGATIVE! AB NEGATIVE!

Joel: <Buffy> A whole audience? I'm not up to this.


>"Okay, now let's take this issue to the audience," Jeremy offered. A fat
>black woman wearing a purple shirt with the Venus symbol on it stood
>up. "This stupid s.o.b. is an example of how women are still being
>abused in this country! Don't that dopehead little chink know a fine lady
>when he sees one, even if she be from space? Or is he too stoned out
>of his head to know that women are mo' then just toys for boys?
>Power to da grrrls! Femme powah!"


Crow: Okay, Star Jones, it's not nice to degrade other talk shows.

Joel: Boy, I can't wait till Ataru gets to rebut on "Dr. Pill".

Tom: Maybe then he can get a real translator instead of someone
who stayed at a Holiday Inn Express.


>Ataru couldn't understand a word, of course, but he could tell by
>everyone's tones that it couldn't be good. He put his head in his hands,
>groaned, and wished he could just die right there and then. But then he
>heard a familiar voice


Crow: <Ataru> Trish Ledoux? I'll stick with the translator I have, thanks.


>"Psst, over here." Ataru glanced over his shoulder to the backstage area.
>There, hiding under a bundle of cables and rags, was Ten-chan. "Oh my
>God, I'm actually glad to see you, Ten-chan. But what am I doing here?
>And what are you doing here?" "I'll explain later. Right now I've got a
>plan to bust you out." As the show went to a commercial break, Ten
>fluttered up and whispered in Ataru's ear.


Tom: <Ataru> Torch the whole building with hellfire? Works for me!


>Just before the show came back on, Jeremy Spangler, host of America's
>sleaziest talk show, was quietly laughing to himself. "Heh heh," he
>thought. "Jerry Springer could only get the KKK. Jenny Jones could
>only get crack whores. Sally-Jessy Raphael could only get transvestite
>lovers. Geraldo Rivera could only go to Afghanistan and see the war
>on terror up close.


Joel: I thought Geraldo Rivera was PLAYING Jeremy Spangler in this
fic?? Man, this is going to rip the fabric of space and time, I just know
it....


>But I on the other hand, I could get a real live pregnant space alien and
>her Japanese husband! Eat your heart out, competition!.Okay, and
>we're back on today's edition of 'The Jeremy Spangler Show'; 'My Wife
>and Kids are Aliens!' Here are our guests for today; Ataru Moroboshi,
>a Japanese teenage boy with a penchant for flirting, and his comely
>wife, Lum the alien girl!"


Tom: We can only guess how 'comely' "Shinobu" will be when
they bring her out next for the brawl.

Crow: <Jeremy Spangler> Reality television has NOTHING on this!


>Ataru stood up. "Uh, before I begin, I've got some people I'd like you to
>meet!" He opened the stage door, and two bedraggled-looking waifs,
>a young boy and girl, ran onstage towards Jeremy and the fake "Lum".
>"Hi mommy! Hi daddy!" they shouted, joyously pouncing on "Lum"'s
>lap and hugging Jeremy's legs.


Crow: <Spangler> Damn you kids, you're supposed to say you're from
Melmac! Honey, what happened to those "ALF" masks we bought them?


>"Yahh!" screamed Jeremy, turning ghostly pale. "Uhh, how did you know
>about this?" "I'll tell you how, you jerk!" bellowed a tough-looking girl
>who emerged from the audience. "Aiee! Wanda, h-h-how've you been
>lately?" "So you mean to tell me you abandoned the kids? Why you."
>She advanced on him. The crowd was now booing and moving in on
>Jeremy.


Joel: <crowd> We trusted and believed in you completely! DIE,
DECEIVER!!!

Tom: Did this just turn into a psychotic episode of "Fairly Oddparents"?


>"Heh heh, uhh, folks, why don't we go back to the alien."


Crow: I've seen Dick Dietrich run a more competent talk show.


>Meanwhile Ataru and Ten managed to slip out the stage door. "So Ten,
>how did you know those were his illegitimate kids?" Ten's eyes
>widened. "I didn't. I just went to the local orphanage and paid them to
>make an appearance."


Tom: Gee, that was a horrid little cul-de-sac.


>Ataru glanced around him. Wherever he was now, it wasn't Japan. "So,
>where exactly are we?" "Los Angeles. The American Broadcasting
>Network-ABN-abducted you to appear on that talk show."


Crow: This is what happens when 50 Cent buys PAX.

Joel: <Ten> We'd better split before we end up as a guest spot on
'Everybody Loves Richard'.


>It was night now, but sure enough, Ataru could make out the famous
>California palm trees around the TV studio lot. He had always wanted
>to see California, just not this way.


Tom: <Ataru> I wanted to tag along with a whiny ass video game
prodigy and score 50,000 points on Double Dragon!


>"Gee, thanks, Ten-chan. But where is everyone else? And most of all,
>where's Lum-chan?" "Psst! We're right here, Ataru-kun!" hissed
>Shinobu's voice. It was coming from a nearby alley between sound
>stages. Sure enough, hiding there behind some dumpsters were the
>whole gang-Shinobu, Mendo, Ataru's parents, Sakura, and of course
>Cherry.


Crow: <Ataru> We're all on a studio lot? You guys been "Truman
Show"-ing on me ALL THESE YEARS?!?

Joel: <Ten> We like to think of it more as "Ed-TV."


>"We've launched a guerrilla operation to recapture you, and then Lum
>and all the other aliens." "I spied on my dad a bit," Mendo responded.
>It seems that Lum, Ran, Oyuki, Benten, and Lum's parents are being
>held for quarantine and physical tests at Area 51, the top-secret military
>base in the state of Nevada."


Crow: <Ataru> Hey, cool. Loan me a fiver to spot on red?


>"Then how did you escape, Ten-chan?" Ataru asked. "Well, weddings
>make me bored, so I was flying around outside. But then I saw the
>army vehicles coming, so I hid out in a dumpster." "And.seeing how it
>was my fault," Ataru's dad chimed in, "I decided the least I could do
>was help find a way to get you guys out of this."


Tom: Hey, man, it's easy... just present yourselves to INS and get
deported for lack of visa!


>"And, even though Lum is your wife now," Mendo added, "I would
>still do anything for her. Plus, well.You're an okay guy, Moroboshi."
>"Gee, thanks, Mendo." "Just please try NOT to screw up this operation
>by checking out girls!"


Joel: <Ataru> No problem, the airport accidentally sent my libido to
Honolulu.


>"Okay. So how did you guys get here? Did you take Mendo's private
>jet?" "No," he answered.


Crow: <Mendo> I borrowed Wonder Woman's. I parked it over there...
or was it over there?


>"My dad's a member of the very military- industrial complex that is
>imprisoning those girls! We had to keep this a complete secret, so we
>flew here by Japan Airlines and rented a car. Besides, we want to stay
>as inconspicuous as possible, and look like normal tourists."


Crow: <Mendo> We tried to appeal to the Japanese government about
the blatant seizure by America of our citizens but they were too busy
eating sushi, watching explicit violent cartoon porn, and being short.


>"We told everyone else that we were spending a couple weeks at
>Mendo's beach villa again," Shinobu added. "And I figured that these
>impetuous young Turks would need someone to keep them in line and
>keep things quiet, so I asked if I could come," Sakura said.


Joel: <Sakura> Besides, SOMEBODY had to grab the tiny cars and
candy shooters.


>"And of course you know that wherever I go, this sakuranbo here tends
>to invite himself along." She gestured to Cherry. "Hello," he greeted.
>"I sure could go for some sashimi about now!" "We just stopped for
>dinner about an hour ago!" Sakura grumbled. "But I'm still hungry!"
>"Aren't monks supposed to fast once in a while?" Ataru scoffed. "Just
>ignore him," Sakura muttered.


Tom: Don't go away, "The JV-Team" will be back right after
these messages!

Joel: <Mr. T> I pity the foo' who changes that channel!


>"Now, we have to get under way as soon as possible. It'll take us most
>of the day to drive up to Nevada, and we'll start Operation Uru
>tomorrow night. Shutaro here has maps of the area, and before we
>retire to our beds tonight, we can study them."


Crow: <Ataru> Hmph! No matter where I look, I just can't find any
dragons!


>"Hey!" protested Mendo. "I thought I was the commander of this
>mission!" "No offense," responded Sakura, "but you're too young and
>impulsive. Please leave control to the refined patience and stalwart
>ways of a Shinto high priestess."


Joel: What's she gonna do, ward the slot machines?


>"But my father works in the defense industry! I know all there is to
>know about troop deployment, positioning, and the art of war!


Tom: He's more Tammy Sytch than Sun Tzu...

Crow: <Mendo> Damn it, I can beat Civilization on Warlord level!


>My father made me memorize the battle plans of Genghis Khan, Attila
>the Hun, William the Conqueror, Richard III, Napoleon, Otto von
>Bismark, William T. Sherman, Robert E. Lee, "Stonewall" Jackson,
>Crazy Horse, Geronimo, Theodore Roosevelt, Gen. Montgomery,
>Erwin Rommel, Gen. Tojo, Charles Nimitz,


Tom: <Mendo> ...Pol Pot, Chiang Kai-Shek, Neville Chamberlain,
and Reg from the Judean People's Front.


>Douglas MacArthur, Dwight Eisenhower, and Norman Schwartzkopf,
>plus every major battle from Hastings to Desert Storm! Clearly I am
>the military expert, so I must be the commander!"
>"That is why you cannot be!" Sakura shot back.


Crow: <Mendo, whiny> But I'm the very model of a modern major
general!!


>"You are still young and not fully refined,


Joel: We'll have to store you in the cellar with the cheddar.


>therefore I fear you may become overconfident and make some fatal
>mistake!" "And why are you so certain that I will? The man with the
>most military knowledge and resources must."


Tom: Truly, this is the McLaughlin Report of fanfics.

Joel: <Mendo> Hubris? That's my hair gel.


>"Guys! Shhh!" Shinobu hissed. A police car with dome lights flashing
>had come to help quell the riot raging in the "Jeremy Spangler" sound
>stage. "I think this might be a good time to leave," Ataru reasoned.


Crow: <Frank Drebin> There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion
models found naked and unconscious at Laundromats on the west side.
I was just on my way to clean some shirts when the call came through....


>While the cops rushed into the building in riot gear, the Tomobiki Eight
>snuck away towards the studio gates, where the guard was busy
>watching "Mork and Mindy" on TV Land.


Joel: Shouldn't he change the channel to FX showing "Hogan's Heroes"
right about now?


>Mendo had managed to pay for two suites at the Universal City
>Marriott, enough beds for all of them.


Tom: Shortly thereafter, he called for a Pizza Hut Pizza, the receptionist
sent up frozen Aquafina ice cubes, and they proceeded to get smashed
on Jim Beam brand bourbon.

Crow: <Mendo> There, that oughta give us a few more days of budget.


>Before they retired, Sakura announced, "Rest easy, comrades, for
>tomorrow we make our move to free Ataru's bride! Banzai!" "Rrghh!"
>growled Mendo. "I was supposed to say that!


Crow: Want some fish with that WHINE, Mendo-san?


>Well! Will our heroes manage to free Lum and the rest of the crowd
>from Planet Uru? Will their operation be a success?


Tom: Will this turn into another General Hospital short?


>Don't fail to see our next thrilling episode, "Guerrillas in the Midst", or
>"How Ataru Got His Oni Back".


Joel: <Rocky> Now here's something we hope you'll really like...

Crow: An intermission?

Tom: Natch.

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)

* * *

SATELLITE OF LOVE


"OK, Cambot, that should about do it. Man the wall of keyboards
while I gather everyone together! HEY JOEL! TOM! GYPSY! I've
got something cool to show all of you!" Crow bellowed from the bridge.

"Uh, sorry Crow, I'm a little busy with an invention right now!" The
voice of Joel called back.

"Yeah, I'm way behind on my latest underwear inventory!" Tom's
voice quickly added.

"I'm delousing the ship, no time to chat." Gypsy's voice crackled over
the loudspeaker.

"But I worked kinda hard on it and stuff!" Crow whined.

"LATER!" Three annoyed voices shouted back in unison.

"Well! There's ten minutes of my life I'll never get back!" Crow left
the bridge in a huff. A few moments later, Cambot's head leaned into
view as he glanced around the empty bridge and seemed to shrug before
pulling back. Suddenly a cheesy synth version of the MST3K Love
Theme filled the room as credits began scrolling across the screen.


>'Mystery Science Theater 6.7' Host Segment 2-A parody of the credits
>from 'My Kid's an Alien!' Part 2

>Absolutely NOT a rehash of Cave Dwellers Lucid Credit Sketch.
>Seriously, it's not even close.

>Based on Characters by Joel Hodgson Our apologizes in advance.

>Directed by Crow T. "Best There Is, Best There Was, Best There Ever
>Will Be" Robot.

>Produced by The Voices in My Head which was surprising since they
>usually stick to goading me into killing my family. Hi Mom!

>Starring Quentin Tarantino as Joel Robinson

>Kelsey Grammar as Tom Servo
>John Cleese as Crow T. Robot
>Calista Flockhart as Gypsy

>Gabe Kaplan as Dr. Forrester
>Sephiroth from "Final Fantasy VII" as TV's Frank

>"Meg Griffin from "Family Guy" as Harry Potter.
>"Chris Benoit from WWE as Solid Snake.

>The "Rocky" statue as Frank Stallone.

>The Chanting Monks that hit themselves with boards from "Monty
>Python and the Holy Grail" as the entire body of Congress.

>Cambot as it'self.

>And featuring the amazing Magic Voice of Preston Manning.

>Far far too many animals were maimed, burned and had the living crap
>beaten out of them in the making of this parody. Yes, we wanted
>complete realism and got our kicks out of it, but we're big enough to
>admit when we get carried away. We're sorry. We're so very sorry.


>Now that we've recorded new credits, what movie should we go about
>claiming off the public domain pile?


>He Jock It Made Of Steel.


>Turn off your computer and go to sleep!


>De Gozaru?


>Fwoosh! There, is THAT what you waiting for?


>Y'know, this ISN'T the Finding Nemo DVD! You're not going to be
>entertained by Albert Brooks and Ellen Degeneres if you wait long
>enough!


>If you're looking for a stinger, YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND IT
>HERE!


>OK, lock up before you leave then. Keep circulating the fics.


TO BE CONTINUED IN 'MY KID'S AN ALIEN!' PT. 2....


Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other
mutiple part MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come,
so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffing and
skits. ;)