Urusei Yatsura Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing] My Kid's An Alien! ❯ Chapter 3
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Megane67 
Anime/Manga: Urusei Yatsura Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Sci-fi / Comedy | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 12.06.2005 | Pages: 15 | Words: 8.4K | Visits: 400 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Urusei Yatsura Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Sci-fi / Comedy | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 12.06.2005 | Pages: 15 | Words: 8.4K | Visits: 400 | Status: Completed
*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)
EPISODE 42: MY KID'S AN ALIEN! PT. 3
(A Urusei Yatsura MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"My Kid's An Alien!" is the property of Andrew D. Johnson and he's
welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work
like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does.
Think of this as another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;)
(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's
yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)
(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you
as you pass through.)
(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as
the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.)
(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile
before proceeding.)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously,
looking for moat monsters.)
(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out
of its center and pulls you inside.)
Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
>MY KID'S AN ALIEN!-
Tom: AND MY STEPMOTHER'S A HOTTIE!
>The Final Chapter
Joel: That reminds me, did Jason take Manhattan yet?
Crow: God willing, we won't all meet again in 'My Kid's An Alien 2:
The Search for More Money'.
>Based on the popular characters by Rumiko Takahashi and the popular
>novel by Ray Bradbury. Okay, so it's not based on anything by Bradbury.
>It just makes me seem sophisticated.
Tom: Which the narration quickly dispels.
>Ataru was about to ask if that was his mom when he came to again, but
>suddenly remembered that what had happened was as real as could
>possibly be.
Crow: <Ataru> But enough about the Matrix, what's this I hear about
a woman in a red dress?
>He opened his eyes to find himself standing in place. In front of him
>some humanlike forms were milling around. When his eyes focused
>more, he noticed they were actually aliens! But not Onis, rather those
>aliens everyone called the "Grays", the ones that people claimed
>always abducted them.
Tom: This would be the same people that... populate shows like
Jeremy Spangler. The fanfic finally comes full-circle!
Joel: Of course, those isolated reports of people being captured by
Soggies deserved all the shame and scorn they could get.
>Lum had once told him that the Grays came from Orion's Belt and were
>some of the most dangerous creatures in the universe. They were very
>weak physically, but possessed the power to control minds and literally
>use other beings as puppets to carry out their schemes.
Tom: Oh please, like anybody would let themselves be used like a puppet!
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever... aw crap, there goes my head
again, could you grab that for me, Trace?
>Apparently they had tried several times to conquer Earth, but fortunately
>for Earthlings, all of Earth's leaders knew about them and managed to
>keep them at bay with their military superiority. But now they seemed
>to have captured him and placed his friends and parents under their
>control.
Crow: Truly the V-Chip has so many applications.
>Ataru glanced around at his surroundings. They seemed to be in what
>looked like an airplane hangar, with vintage jeeps and aircraft off to
>the sides. But closer to them was the Grays' ship, a flying saucer!
Joel: Named after the bombed pilot.
Tom: They tried a flying teacup but the fuel kept spilling.
>And over there, next to those other Grays, was.
Joel: A relaxing Ocean Blue with just a hint of Silver.
Crow: <Lum> YOUR BIOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS WILL
BE ADDED TO OUR OWN... DA'CHA.
>"Darling! Get us out of this!" Sure enough, there in a force-field cage
>formed by blue "bars", were Lum, Ran, Benten, Oyuki, and Lum's
>parents. Lum was huge now, barely contained by even her skimpy
>bikini.
Tom: <Lum> Run, darling! They do the anal probes... AND LEAVE
THEM IN!!
>That was Ataru's baby in there. Overjoyed to see her, he tried to run
>over there. But to his shock, he couldn't move.
>"Rrrrgh!" he groaned. "Oh Lum-chan, I can't move!"
>"Oh no," she sobbed, starting to cry. "They put you in a force field too!
>Those.those.bastards!"
Joel: <Ataru> Actually, they just tied my shoelaces together.
Tom: <Lum> A knot!? BASTARDS!!!
>Ataru screamed a little when one of the grays strode up to him, staring
>him down with those unsettling, insect-like eyes. "So, I have heard
>that Oni is your wife."
Crow: <Gray> It's just a short step from her to me... am I sexy?
>"You just wait till I get out of this, Space Ant!" Ataru yelled, trying hard
>to move. "What do you want her and those other aliens for, anyway?"
Crow: <Gray> Just a little sugar, baby.
Tom: <Gray> Oh, I'm just building an ark... hope you like your new
five by five cubit room.
>"Simple, really," answered the Gray officer in front of him. "We need
>fuel for our spaceships in our quest to conquer the universe. When news
>spread that you, an Earthling, had impregnated an Oni, we couldn't
>believe our luck. The yolk of Oni eggs makes an excellent fuel source.
>Plus, Oni flesh is quite tasty."
Joel: <Gray> And we use their skins to role-play.
Crow: <Ataru> Wow, and here I thought it was that edible body
lotion we used.
>After he said this, he peeled back his lips (or at least where his lips
>should have been), and revealed a mouthful of sinister, needle-like
>teeth, which he licked with a lavender tongue.
Tom: And his uvula was a foot in diameter and fluorescent green.
Crow: And don't even ask about his tonsils.
>Ataru exploded. "You little gray bastard! I'll tear you apart! No one eats
>my wife if I can do anything about it!"
>"But I don't think there is much you can do about it," continued the Gray
>officer.
Joel: <Ataru> But she's not recommended by Atkins! You can't
abandon the plan now!
>He squinted his eyes slightly and suddenly a powerful electric current
>coursed through Ataru's body. It must have had at least three times
>the voltage of Lum's normal shocks. As he stood there, unable to move,
>feeling like a microwaved TV dinner, the sinister Gray continued his
>story.
Tom: <Gray> It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child...
>"So we hypnotized some American government agents, and sent them to
>kidnap the pregnant Oni girl and her friends and family. This would
>inevitably lead to a war between your pathetic planet and the far-
>superior militaries of Planets Uru, Fukinokami, and Neptune, and would
>ultimately spell the end of the human race, leaving Earth ripe for our
>colonization.
Tom: <Ataru as Scott Evil> I have a gun in my room. Give me five
seconds, I'll come back and blow my brains out.
>But then when the Urusian ship you were on was sucked into a wormhole
>that sent you back in time to the Christian year 1947, we thought of an
>even better idea.
Crow: <Gray> We decided to let the sisters have you. One good ruler
upside the head will set you right!
>We would hypnotize the American government into giving us the formula
>for the atomic bomb, at a time when the technology was brand new and
>only available to the Americans. Then we would use it to not only wipe
>out human civilization, but also those of the known universe.
Joel: They can fly through space and can't figure out an atom bomb?
Crow: This is sounding more and more like a Dr. Claw scheme.
>They may have more sophisticated technology and better organized
>militaries, but so far, the atomic bomb is one of the most destructive
>weapons in the entire universe. And now that it is in our power, there
>is nothing you can do to stop us."
Tom: Suddenly millions of heroes, both action and super, appeared
right on cue.
>"Dang it," he muttered, "where's Ten-chan when you need him.again? I
>mean, even if he was becoming the Jiminy Cricket to my Pinocchio, he
>was still right, and he saved my ass last time!"
Crow: <Ataru> I got sick of having to show him that I was a real boy.
>"Sorry, Ataru-chan," Ten answered, fluttering up to him. "But we can't
>let you do that." To Ataru's horror, the Oni toddler also had that
>unsettling blank look in his eyes too.
>"Aghhh!" he groaned. "Not you too! Now what am I supposed to do?"
Tom: I suggest heavy and persistent use of the nearest boomstick.
>"There's no need to be afraid," the Gray officer calmly told him. "All we
>need for you to do for us now is to take this laser knife and cut open
>your wife, so we can have her egg.
Crow: <Ataru> Oh, if that's all you... W-WHAT!?
Joel: <Gray> Mmm... she may be incredible but she's not all that
edible.
>And as for the rest, they shall spend the rest of their lives as slaves in our
>plutonium mines in the Crab Nebula. I'll start by turning off your force
>field."
>"The second you do," Ataru growled, as the alien held up a silvery gun,
>"I'm gonna perform an alien autopsy on you, without knives or
>anesthetic."
Tom: Now see? This is why you don't give the laser scalpel to the only
freaking person you DIDN'T hypnotize.
>"Well, I don't think you will," the little gray person answered. "I don't
>think you will." He(she?) fixed its eyes on Ataru. Those deep, dark
>pools of blackness, holes from which nothing could escape, like black
>holes, black, deep, dark.
Crow: <Gray> You'll be Maximilian... and you can call me Dr. Reinhardt,
sweetie.
>The world seemed to grow dull and time itself seemed to slow down.
>The alien's mighty power was drawing him closer, ever closer,
>commanding him to kill Lum.
Joel: <Ataru> We no hurts the hobbitses! But they have my precioussss!
>"Darling." The voice sounded familiar, unknown yet welcoming, like
>water on the lips of a man crawling across the desert. Ataru glanced
>away from the blackness to focus on a green glow slightly above his eye
>level. There, in the midst of it, was the most gorgeous woman he had
>ever seen. She had a perfect figure, clad only in a skimpy tiger-striped
>bikini, long hair, and childlike blue eyes.
Crow: ...which were quickly passed over for her skimpy tiger-striped
bikini again.
>But something about her was different from all the others; her hair was
>green, and small, stubby horns poked out of the top of her head. She
>was gently floating above his eye level, like a leaf in a breeze. She
>seemed so strange and exotic, and yet also somehow familiar to Ataru.
Crow: Ahhh... this paragraph is so relaxing... all I need now is a bubbling
hot tub and a tub of Haagen-Dazs... maybe some soft guitar and....
(Crow notices Tom and Joel staring at him)
Crow: What!? I've been stressed out lately, OKAY!?
>"Darling, I love you with all my heart. Please, please don't hurt me or
>our child."
Crow: <Ataru> Can I at least administer a spanking?
Tom: <Lum> But the baby isn't even born yet!
Crow: <Ataru, slyly> I know.
>Somehow her words spoke to him more strongly than the eyes that were
>trying to become his mind. Like they were trying to reawaken something
>in him that he had forgot. Like he had to do something else.
Joel: <Ataru> Every time I think of Lum scolding.... oh shoot, the garbage!
>"Please, Darling?" pleaded the otherworldly girl, with a plaintive tone
>that nearly made Ataru drop to his knees and start to cry. As he
>approached her, with the evil-looking laser knife beam in his arms aimed
>at her, she sniffed and tears ran from her eyes like a faucet.
Tom: Flash Gordon was NEVER this weepy.
Joel: It's not the impending surgery without anesthesia... it's that Ataru
smells like sauerkraut and bar onions.
>"These people are evil, Darling! Don't listen to them! Their next move
>will be to use you and your friends and family to destroy your planet!"
>But I must, he thought. But I don't really want to, do I ?, he thought.
>"Yes," answered a cold yet calm voice. "Yes you must. To perform our
>demands is bliss."
Crow: Man, this is one intense episode of Fear Factor.
>"No, Darling!" sobbed the girl. "Please listen to me! Use your mental
>energy to break this spell!"
Tom: <Lum> Think with your OTHER HEAD!
>Mental energy, he thought. I never had much mental energy. My average
>is a D+. How should I stop them?
>"There is no way," answered the other voice. "Let us be your guides and
>do our bidding."
Joel: Internal monotone... err, monologue by Ben Stein.
Crow: <Ataru> I'm so confused... should I be saving Lum or Jessie
Spano?
>"Please, Darling?" cooed the floating, bikini-clad girl, who bobbed down
>to Ataru and kissed him passionately. Ataru could feel himself shifting
>into high gear as she started peeling away her skimpy clothing, rubbing
>herself against him, burying her tongue in his mouth, grabbing and
>squeezing with her arms everywhere.
Crow: <Lum, seductively> You don't need to cut me open to get
inside me....
Tom: I'd say that this is nothing more than a bad "Boogie Nights" remake,
but it's always nighttime in space...
>"Lum-chan," he gasped. It was all coming back to him now. "Oh
>Lum-chan, how I love you! I could never >let anything bad happen to
>you!" The blackness vanished from Ataru's field of vision, and soon
>things fell back into focus.
Crow: And as Ataru witnessed the bloody carnage on the floor, he
remarked, "Why did I make out with a laser scalpel in my hand?"
>He was now standing before the force field cage, with the laser knife
>still held in position. Lum, plump and rosy with the baby, cowered in
>the corner with a pinched face and red, tear-stained cheeks.
Joel: <Ataru> Hey, wait... you weren't pregnant in my head!
>She braced herself for the pain when her Darling swung the knife forward.
>and slashed the wires powering the force field generator! Sure enough,
>the blue beams vanished.
Crow: <Ataru> Gee... I missed.
>"Yeah!" howled Benten. "Gonna use us for slave labor and eat my friend;
>I don't think so! Eat my boots!" And she rushed toward the Grays.
Tom: <Gray> We told you already, we only eat Oni...gackk!!
>The Gray commanders quickly grabbed their energy blasters, but Ataru
>knocked some out of their hands (along with their heads and arms),
>while Benten and Lum's parents took care of the rest.
Joel: <Benten> Here, have a pina colada... your feet look like they
need a rub.
Crow: And the truth was revealed that the Grays were nothing more
than some renegade Potato Heads.
>"Guys!" Ataru announced to his friends, parents, and some American
>soldiers standing hypnotized nearby. "Think about something you
>really, really like! I tried thinking about Lum naked! Okay, it doesn't
>have to be that specific or explicit, but you can picture anything you
>truly love!"
Joel: Gee, thanks Tony Robbins.
>So Ataru's dad pictured himself making out naked with his wife on a
>tropical beach. Ataru's mom pictured herself making out naked with
>Rei on the same beach. Mendo pictured himself making out naked with
>Lum, Sakura, and Asuka on the same beach.
Tom: Yes, it's the long awaited 'Urusei Yatsura Expansion Pack'
for 'Sexy Beach 2'!
Crow: Meanwhile, Notch Johnson taped them all from the stands at
Malibu Adjacent.
>Shinobu pictured herself making out naked with Inaba. Sakura pictured
>herself making out naked with Tsubame. Ten pictured making out naked
>with.well, just about every girl in Tomobiki (even Ataru's mom was
>there), except of course for Mako.
Joel: <Ataru> Um, okay... I'll just go grab a sandwich or something... let
me know when you're done... um... picturing.
>And Cherry pictured himself eating a full-course luau banquet on the
>beach, naked. Not that he had some sick food fetish, but he was
>actually a nudist at heart. He also wanted to try and get rid of his tan
>line. If you just pictured what Cherry's tan line looks like, you win this
>year's "Sick Little Monkey of the Year" award.
Crow: As opposed to the dolt WRITING about Cherry's tan line?
>"Charrrrrrrge, men!" bellowed Sakura, once she had been jolted out of
>her trance. The Tomobiki Eight rushed toward the aliens, along with
>Lum's parents and friends, and a couple hundred formerly mesmerized
>American soldiers.
All: <American soldiers> YOOOOOOOO JOE!!!
>The aliens tried their mind-control powers on them, but now that they
>all had their minds set on a clear task, they could mow down the
>fragile Grays like corn.
Tom: I'd like to mow down that analogy with a roto-tiller.
Crow: If you're expecting originality this far in...
>In the end, all the crew suffered were some injuries, burns, and
>contusions. Ataru stood back and gazed at the crumpled, torn bodies
>of the Grays.
Joel: Really makes you think, don't it?
Crow: <Ataru> Well, I can't burn 'em. I don't have a permit.
>"Damn," he gaped, "I sleep with Lum just once and the next thing I
>know, I'm back in time in 1947 killing aliens in New Mexico.
Tom: Just imagine if he slept with Buffy instead...
>Maybe they were right about how a butterfly that flaps its wings in
>Brazil causes a typhoon in Japan."
Joel: Maybe if the butterfly was MOTHRA.
Crow: Applications of chaos theory to fanfics... clearly THIS ONE
spun way out of control.
Tom: <Ian Malcolm> This fanfic is not safe.
>"Well, either way," Shinobu added, "your hentai sense saved us all.
>Who'd have thought your libido would one day be our salvation,
>especially after all the trouble it's gotten us into over the years?"
Crow: Hey, sweet job author! Maybe next time, we can all be saved
by Mendo's acne!
Tom: Or Cherry's tan line.
>"Darling-oop! I think I'm due to lay the egg soon," Lum gasped.
Joel: <Ataru> About three minutes, right?
>Sure enough, she was having trouble breathing, and couldn't keep her
>legs together.
Tom: Yep, that's pretty much how this whole mess started.
>"As school nurse, I'll help deliver this.egg," Sakura offered. She went up
>to the laboring alien as the others eagerly gathered around.
Crow: <Sakura> Uncle, put that bearnaise sauce away!
Joel: <Sakura> You... boil water! You... get the egg dye! You...
find a spoon!
>Lum's mom said something in the chirpy Oni language which translated
>to, "Oh! I'm going to be a grandmother soon!" (Actually, our translators
>have no idea what it actually meant, but we can assume it was along
>those lines.)
Crow: <Author> Translated verbatim? Okay... "I'm gowwana be a
grwandmotha soon! I tought I taw the egg!"
>As Sakura offered breathing exercises and Ataru bit his lip awaiting the
>news, he heard the engine of a Jeep entering the hangar. Closely
>escorted by dark-suited Secret Service agents, was an important-looking
>figure with specs and a cliff-like jaw.
Joel: Wow, Egon Spengler's really come up in the world.
Crow: Oh great, they must be here to recruit guests for the Soaprah
Spinfrey show.
>"All stand at attention for Harry Truman, President of the United States!"
>The President grimaced slightly at the mutilated alien bodies, leaking
>lavender blood. "So, what exactly is going on here?" he asked.
Crow: <Ataru> Well, I invaded the alien's pearl harbor and now she's
dropping the bomb.
Tom: Wow... Ataru's got quite a set of euphemisms to say that to
the President.
>"It's.uh, quite an interesting story here, Mr. President," answered the
>general in charge of Roswell Army Air Field. "Some evil aliens landed
>here with apparent intent to conquer Earth. They had also kidnapped
>some other, peaceful aliens, and one of those is about to give birth."
Crow: <General> Then the Third Pixie Battalion along with First
Motorized Kobolds knocked out the resistance on our left flank...
>"Actually, just lay an egg," corrected Mr. Invader. "The baby won't
>hatch for another nine months."
>"Right. Anyway, the evil ones were defeated by our troops here and
>these fine young Japanese people, who claim to be from the year 2002."
>The President briefly rolled his eyes. "Right," he said.
Tom: Don't feel bad, Harry. It wasn't that believable to us either.
Joel: <Truman> I could use a warm bed and a hot Bess right about
now...
>"I'm.not gonna ask any more questions, but I am gonna want to have
>these extraterrestrial bodies and spacecraft kept here for scientific
>research. And I'd also like this hangar, number 18, kept off limits from
>now on."
Crow: This is reading like a bad Clive Cussler book.
>"Yeah, yeah," exclaimed Mendo in English. "Come witness the miracle
>of creation!"
Tom: He's so eager for this... he must've bought the baby.
>About fifteen minutes later.
>"Ewww!" groaned Shinobu.
>"Yecch," answered Ataru.
>"Barfff!" went Mendo.
(Crow starts tossing something at the screen, catching Joel's attention.)
Joel: Hey Crow, quit trying to throw this poor excuse for theater
popcorn into their mouths.
Crow: Well, what else should I throw at the screen, my lowered
expectations?
>"AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" bellowed Lum.
>Everyone standing in the room, even the famously rugged President
>Truman, were knocked over like bowling pins.
Crow: Great, now she just needs to get pregnant eleven more times and
go for a perfect game.
>About two thousand miles away, in a tiny Minnesota town called
>Frostbite Falls, a small flying squirrel and a large, stupid moose were
>sitting together outside a shack. "You hear something, Rocky?" asked
>the moose.
>"Yeah, sounds like the whistle at the lumber mill again," answered the
>squirrel.
Tom: Well, this story IS a fractured fairy tale.
>Meanwhile, back in Roswell, Lum sat panting in front of a large, wet egg
>with a shell colored lavender and dotted with pink speckles, about the
>size of Ten.
Joel: Then she chucked it at a nearby cloud with a question mark on it.
>Although most of the crew had nearly lost their lunches watching the
>spectacle, and Mendo had, they erupted in cheers for Lum. Ataru
>joyously ran over and hugged her. "Oh Darling," she sighed, "thank you.
>I can't wait for the baby to hatch."
Crow: <Lum> You're getting a vasectomy NOW.
>President Truman offered thanks and the U.S. Army bade them farewell
>as the group piled into the Gray's old flying saucer, and flew back
>through the wormhole to their time.
Tom: But not before finding a stray Neelix first.
Joel: <Ataru> Can't you please just toss him back out of the airlock?
>Their first stop was Washington, D.C., where Lum's parents, etc. helped
>straighten out the mess between the planets.
Crow: <Invaders> We now realize that you're not smart enough to pull
something like this, but it's purely within the realm of reason for you to
screw up this massively on accident.
>The U.S. government hid the saucer at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base
>in Ohio, where most of the wreckage from the Roswell crash had been
>stored. After a memorial service for the Oni soldiers who had been killed
>in the Roswell crash, the President flew them home to Japan on Air Force
>One, while helping straighten things out with the Japanese government.
Joel: <President> Look, we already apologized for the soda jerk... All
right, we'll take away his social security and kick his cane from
underneath him, will THAT appease you!?
>Once home, Ataru's parents helped set up a "nest" of old sheets and
>clothes where Lum could sit on her egg.
Tom: Old sheets and clothes!? Lum, you're the daughter of a planet ruler!
Tell your cheap ass parents to open the purse strings and get their only
child some PILLOWS for god's sake!
>Oni mothers have to do so for the entire nine-month duration not only
>to keep it warm, but also to establish an early bond between mother
>and child. It helps develop telepathic powers.
Joel: <Lum> Oh my god, my baby wants to kill me!
Crow: <Baby> Blast! She wasn't supposed to know till AFTER
the explosion!
>It was a rather dull nine months without Lum to liven things up in
>Tomobiki, but of course the wait would be well worth it.
Tom: Still, Ataru stayed by Lum's side the entire time right after her
father broke his legs.
Crow: Amazingly enough, nine months later Harry Truman hatched.
>The big day came on a brisk, windy day in mid-October. The Moroboshi
>house was crammed with journalists, but Lum didn't mind. She had
>always wanted to be a mother, and her dream would soon finally come
>true. She had no problem with cameras constantly flashing in front of
>her face, with her "Darling" in her arms, putting on a typically goofy
>grin.
Crow: <Spangler> And just like in television, happy endings do happen.
Take care of yourselves. This has been Jeremy's Final Thoughts.
>"Oh, Ataru-kun!" said Shinobu, sobbing with happiness. "Good luck
>with your baby! I'm sorry about how I yelled at you when you first got
>Lum pregnant! I think you'll make a great dad!"
Tom: <Shinobu> Almost as great as Michael Jackson!
>"Heh, heh," laughed Ataru's dad, leafing through some yen bills. "Go
>ahead and have as many kids as you want. If it means all these
>royalties, go get 'em!"
Joel: <Ataru> Sorry dad, our fifteen minutes are up. Unless Lum can lay
a double-yolked egg...
>"Hey, how about it, hon?" Ataru asked his wife, a hungry grin on his
>face.
Crow: <Lum> Sure, what's another nine months stuck in this dink
apartment? Moron.
>"Not tonight, Darling. I'll probably be having to nurse the baby and
>change its diaper. Maybe this weekend." She pulled him in again and
>smooched him some more, to the delight of all the photographers. "Oh!
>I can see the first cracks!"
>Everyone gathered closer. Sure enough, the baby was starting to punch
>cracks in the shell.
Joel: If it says "Nanu nanu", I will get so ticked off...
Crow: <baby> WAHHHHH!! I'm claustrophobic! I'm scared of the dark!
Tom: <Ataru> MENNNNNNNNNDOOOOOOO!!!!
>"Awright! Lummy's a mommy!" shouted Benten. "Attababy! Show that
>shell no mercy!"
>"Yay! A new cousin!" cheered Ten.
>"Agghh! We're grandparents!" screamed Ataru's parents.
>"Hooray," added Oyuki simply in her standard monotone.
Crow: <Oyuki> Can I get paid now?
Tom: So... what? Will the egg hatch and be a Gray? Why the hell are
we still sitting here?
>The first piece gave way.Then the shell split in two, and folded open like
>a book. Out floated a tiny Oni girl! She had her mom's demure face and
>wide eyes, and her dad's black hair, but hers was long and straight, also
>like her mom's.
Joel: And Ataru knew that it was much more than a hunch...
>The baby yawned and stretched in front of the many flashbulbs. Ran
>quickly dashed forward, dried her off, and dressed her in a small
>tiger-striped dress similar to the one Lum had worn as a girl. "Mommy!"
>cried the little one, fluttering toward her mother.
>"Darling, I've done all the work so far," Lum told her husband, beaming
>at their brand-new daughter. "Why don't you name her?"
>"Okay." Ataru thought for a bit.
Crow: <Ataru> Let's see, no i's at the end of her name... nothing edible
or even remotely suggestive... Bertha!
>"How 'bout Rumiko, after my favorite manga artist."
>"You mean the beloved creator of 'Ranma ½', the Mermaid Saga, and
>'Inu-yasha'?" asked Mendo.
>"But you forgot one," added Shinobu. " 'Maison Ikkoku'! I love that
>series; it's so romantic!"
Joel: Shouldn't Megane be here to protest this blatant breaking of the
fourth wall?
>"I love that choice!" Lum cooed. She handed the baby to Ataru's waiting
>arms. "Hello, honey. Your name is Rumiko-chan, or Ruko for short.
>This is your daddy."
Tom: Will she shock or burn him? Boy, the suspense is just killing me.
>"Hi," greeted Ruko, waving at her father. Ataru was struck once again
>by how intelligent Oni babies are by Earthling standards, but since they
>do hatch from eggs, that means their heads and brains don't have to be
>undersized at birth to squeeze out the birth canal.
Crow: <Ataru> Wait a minute... there's a Leap Pad in this eggshell!
Fraud! FRAUD!!!
>Then she glanced over a bit and noticed Mendo.
>The cameras followed Ruko as she clumsily fluttered toward him and
>embraced his arm near the shoulder. "Hiya, stud! What's your name?"
Crow: Yeah, she's a Moroboshi all right.
Joel: <Mendo> The name's Mendo and the password is "pre-nuptial".
>Everyone in the room bent over laughing as Mendo frightenedly tried to
>shake off the amorous alien baby. "That's Shutaro Mendo, the richest
>boy on the planet!" giggled Shinobu. "Good luck with him; he's quite
>the player!"
Tom: Anna Nicole would be horrified. You marry for money only when
the spouse is *over* eighty.
>"Well, hey, Darling," drawled Ruko, "are you single?"
>"Well, uhh, sorta." answered Mendo. "Gahhhh, you Onis freak me out!
>Go play with your parents!" And he grabbed Ruko by her tiny horns
>and dragged her back to the waiting Ataru and Lum. They, Shinobu,
>Sakura, Cherry, and Ataru's parents gasped with surprise.
>"Mendo!" began Lum. "Y-you just grabbed Ruko's horns! Do you know
>what that means?"
Joel: 25 to life?
>"No."
>Ataru exploded with laughter. "It means you have to marry her, just like
>what happened with me and Lum! Congratulations, buddy!"
>"Darling!" cried Ruko, planting kisses all over Mendo's face.
Tom: End end end the 'fic, get it off the screen... hurry hurry hurry
hurry or I'm gonna scream...
Crow: Don't they have to play tag first?
>"Yes I will marry you! Oh, this is the happiest day of my life! Of course,
>we'll have to wait till I'm 16; then we can get married in the American
>state of Louisiana, but until then, I'm moving in with you, t'cha!" By
>now everyone in the room, even the journalists, were laughing so hard
>most of them were wetting their pants.
Joel: It sounds like we could use a mass housebreaking here.
>Mendo, meanwhile, rolled his eyes into the back of his head and collapsed
>to the ground.
Tom: Ziggy could've pulled him out during the Truman scene, but she
wanted to enjoy the show first.
>The End
Crow: That was honestly the worst episode of Jeremy Spangler I've
ever seen.
>Special Bonus Offer! Anyone who caught the Stephen King reference
>will win a free all-expense paid trip to Neptune to have a date with
>Oyuki!
>Call 1- 800-I-LOVE-LUM to win, or send checks of $14.95 to Date
>Oyuki Sweepstakes, P.O. Box 16466, Pennassagunk, NJ 07666 in the
>U.S., or in the UK to 17 Lumley Drive, Ralston Purina, Camfordshire,
>OU8 12B4U.
Tom: <Randy Newman, singing> Fanfic over and it sucked...
Joel: I can bet that this isn't exactly going into the Truman Library.
Crow: Anybody got a pen and paper?
Joel: [staring at Crow] Are you kidding?
Crow: Yes.
Joel: Seriously though, anybody got anything to say about this fanfic
besides the usual gripes, grunts and groans?
Tom: Res ipsa loquitur.
Joel: Come again?
Crow: I think that's Latin, Joel. <imitates Val Kilmer> Evidently Mr.
Servo is an educated bot... now I really hate him.
Joel: But what does it mean?
Crow: Hell if I know. Look it up.
Tom: Res ipsa loquitur.
Crow: Yeah! Ipso Facto THIS, you stupid fanfic!
Joel: <chuckling> Whatever guys. Can we get out of here now? My
knees are getting stiff.
Tom: Yeah, mine too.
Crow: You don't have any knees, Servo.
Tom: Details, details, let's scram already!
(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
Crow and Tom stood on the bridge, flanking Joel who was currently
wearing a white baseball cap backwards and peering through a periscope
viewer.
"Joel, are you sure this is such a good idea? Remember what happened
to the oni ship?" Crow cautioned.
"Ataru and Ten weren't in control of the ship, we are! All we have to
do is find this Bermuda Wormhole in space and I can guide us back down
to Earth!"
"But what if we end up in the past like Ataru? I *REALLY* don't
want to see you in a zoot suit." Tom shuddered.
"Just trust me, guys! I know what I'm... what the heck is that?" Joel
muttered as he turned the periscope slowly as if following an object. "The
hell? Cambot, give me Rocket Number 9, pronto!"
A small object floating in earth orbit was now rapidly drifting towards
them, a moment later, there was a loud thunk noise and the ship suddenly
ground to a screeching halt, throwing Joel and Crow off their feet to hit
the floor while Tom swayed unsteadily. A moment later, the loudspeaker
crackled to life.
"Joel, we just came to a full dead stop, what's going on up there!?"
Gypsy asked, concerned.
"Well, you're not going to believe this...." Joel replied as he got to his
feet and looked through the periscope again. "...but I think we've got a
Denver boot on our ship."
"Dare we ask why a Denver boot is floating around in space?" Crow
grumbled as he leaned on Tom to get back to his feet.
"I dunno but it must be magnetized because it latched right onto us.
Gypsy, could you go outside the ship and see if it can be removed? I'd
do it myself but I get...."
"Spacesick, I know. Hold your horses." Gypsy replied as her
cylindrical body passed through an access hatch like a worm emerging
from the ground until she reached the affected area. "It doesn't look
good, Joel. It's stuck on real tight and we can't blast it off without
crippling the engines."
"Hmm... couldn't we demagnetize the boot by...." Joel began.
"Forget that science stuff! There's only one way to give da boot to
that boot!" Tom interrupted as he floated over the counter. "We're
gonna ACT that thing off!"
"Come again?" Joel replied, confused.
"I get you, Servo! Let's do it!" Crow replied as he struck a dramatic
pose and orchestrated music began playing. "Home? I have no home...."
he began in his best Bela Lugosi. "Hunted... DESPISED... living like an
animal... the jungle is my home...."
"But I shall show the vorld that I can be its master! I shall perfect my
own race of people... a race of atomic supermen..." Tom continued with
his own Bela Lugosi impression.
"THAT VILL CONQUER THE VORLD!!!" They both exclaimed at
the same time as the music swelled to a dramatic conclusion. Joel was
about to say something when he winced at the sound of shearing metal
and suddenly the ship lurged again as if stung.
"Wow, that's did it! The boot just popped off and the ship's moving
again!" Gypsy exclaimed.
"But... but how... why would... I don't get...." a bewildered Joel
rambled on while Crow and Tom strolled together toward the pantry.
"Good job, Crow. We make a good team." Tom said.
"Yeah, though your Lugosi WAS a little wheezy... better work on
that!" Crow replied laughing as a peeved Tom chased him down the
corridor.
* * *
DEEP 13
"What, will these hands never be clean?!?" Frank cried as he continued
to scrub his sore, wrinkled, pink hands in the lab sink. Meanwhile, Dr.
Forrester offered a sympathetic smile and pat on the back.
"There, there, Frank... you'll get over this soon... you'll have to, cause
I'm sure as hell not paying for therapy."
"How I can ever face Hot Dog again!?" Frank sobbed.
Dr. Forrester rolled his eyes. "Just do what I do Frank, bury him in
cheddar cheese and ketchup. Hmm, speaking of which, Frankie want a
whistle dog? Huh, do ya?"
"Oh boy!" Frank immediately withdrew his hands from the sink and
ran in the direction of the kitchen. "Hey hey, wet hands! Use a paper
towel, you slob!" Dr. Forrester admonished as he snatched a roll before
chasing after his assistant.
...AND THE MSTINGS
CONTINUE...
We hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)
I've been MSTing for over eight years now and I want to thank each
and every person who's send me words of support and encouragement
and who have helped me with my MSTs over the years. I treasure
every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that
some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I
helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from
the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make
you laugh for a long time to come. :)
I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who helped me with some
in-depth C&C and suggested riffs for this MSTing....
- Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema' series can be found at
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/ including his latest MSTings
'Dragon of the Night' and 'Friends, Family and San Francisco'.
***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we've contributed
to can be found in the various categories at:***
'A MSTing for All Seasons'
http://www.nabiki.com/mst
'Everything What Is Crap!'
http://svamcentral.org/ewic/
>"Damn," he gaped, "I sleep with Lum just once and the next thing I
>know, I'm back in time in 1947 killing aliens in New Mexico.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 2005 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Keep Circulating the Fanfics....
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE)
EPISODE 42: MY KID'S AN ALIEN! PT. 3
(A Urusei Yatsura MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"My Kid's An Alien!" is the property of Andrew D. Johnson and he's
welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work
like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does.
Think of this as another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;)
(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's
yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)
(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you
as you pass through.)
(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as
the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.)
(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile
before proceeding.)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a
drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously,
looking for moat monsters.)
(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out
of its center and pulls you inside.)
Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
>MY KID'S AN ALIEN!-
Tom: AND MY STEPMOTHER'S A HOTTIE!
>The Final Chapter
Joel: That reminds me, did Jason take Manhattan yet?
Crow: God willing, we won't all meet again in 'My Kid's An Alien 2:
The Search for More Money'.
>Based on the popular characters by Rumiko Takahashi and the popular
>novel by Ray Bradbury. Okay, so it's not based on anything by Bradbury.
>It just makes me seem sophisticated.
Tom: Which the narration quickly dispels.
>Ataru was about to ask if that was his mom when he came to again, but
>suddenly remembered that what had happened was as real as could
>possibly be.
Crow: <Ataru> But enough about the Matrix, what's this I hear about
a woman in a red dress?
>He opened his eyes to find himself standing in place. In front of him
>some humanlike forms were milling around. When his eyes focused
>more, he noticed they were actually aliens! But not Onis, rather those
>aliens everyone called the "Grays", the ones that people claimed
>always abducted them.
Tom: This would be the same people that... populate shows like
Jeremy Spangler. The fanfic finally comes full-circle!
Joel: Of course, those isolated reports of people being captured by
Soggies deserved all the shame and scorn they could get.
>Lum had once told him that the Grays came from Orion's Belt and were
>some of the most dangerous creatures in the universe. They were very
>weak physically, but possessed the power to control minds and literally
>use other beings as puppets to carry out their schemes.
Tom: Oh please, like anybody would let themselves be used like a puppet!
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever... aw crap, there goes my head
again, could you grab that for me, Trace?
>Apparently they had tried several times to conquer Earth, but fortunately
>for Earthlings, all of Earth's leaders knew about them and managed to
>keep them at bay with their military superiority. But now they seemed
>to have captured him and placed his friends and parents under their
>control.
Crow: Truly the V-Chip has so many applications.
>Ataru glanced around at his surroundings. They seemed to be in what
>looked like an airplane hangar, with vintage jeeps and aircraft off to
>the sides. But closer to them was the Grays' ship, a flying saucer!
Joel: Named after the bombed pilot.
Tom: They tried a flying teacup but the fuel kept spilling.
>And over there, next to those other Grays, was.
Joel: A relaxing Ocean Blue with just a hint of Silver.
Crow: <Lum> YOUR BIOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS WILL
BE ADDED TO OUR OWN... DA'CHA.
>"Darling! Get us out of this!" Sure enough, there in a force-field cage
>formed by blue "bars", were Lum, Ran, Benten, Oyuki, and Lum's
>parents. Lum was huge now, barely contained by even her skimpy
>bikini.
Tom: <Lum> Run, darling! They do the anal probes... AND LEAVE
THEM IN!!
>That was Ataru's baby in there. Overjoyed to see her, he tried to run
>over there. But to his shock, he couldn't move.
>"Rrrrgh!" he groaned. "Oh Lum-chan, I can't move!"
>"Oh no," she sobbed, starting to cry. "They put you in a force field too!
>Those.those.bastards!"
Joel: <Ataru> Actually, they just tied my shoelaces together.
Tom: <Lum> A knot!? BASTARDS!!!
>Ataru screamed a little when one of the grays strode up to him, staring
>him down with those unsettling, insect-like eyes. "So, I have heard
>that Oni is your wife."
Crow: <Gray> It's just a short step from her to me... am I sexy?
>"You just wait till I get out of this, Space Ant!" Ataru yelled, trying hard
>to move. "What do you want her and those other aliens for, anyway?"
Crow: <Gray> Just a little sugar, baby.
Tom: <Gray> Oh, I'm just building an ark... hope you like your new
five by five cubit room.
>"Simple, really," answered the Gray officer in front of him. "We need
>fuel for our spaceships in our quest to conquer the universe. When news
>spread that you, an Earthling, had impregnated an Oni, we couldn't
>believe our luck. The yolk of Oni eggs makes an excellent fuel source.
>Plus, Oni flesh is quite tasty."
Joel: <Gray> And we use their skins to role-play.
Crow: <Ataru> Wow, and here I thought it was that edible body
lotion we used.
>After he said this, he peeled back his lips (or at least where his lips
>should have been), and revealed a mouthful of sinister, needle-like
>teeth, which he licked with a lavender tongue.
Tom: And his uvula was a foot in diameter and fluorescent green.
Crow: And don't even ask about his tonsils.
>Ataru exploded. "You little gray bastard! I'll tear you apart! No one eats
>my wife if I can do anything about it!"
>"But I don't think there is much you can do about it," continued the Gray
>officer.
Joel: <Ataru> But she's not recommended by Atkins! You can't
abandon the plan now!
>He squinted his eyes slightly and suddenly a powerful electric current
>coursed through Ataru's body. It must have had at least three times
>the voltage of Lum's normal shocks. As he stood there, unable to move,
>feeling like a microwaved TV dinner, the sinister Gray continued his
>story.
Tom: <Gray> It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child...
>"So we hypnotized some American government agents, and sent them to
>kidnap the pregnant Oni girl and her friends and family. This would
>inevitably lead to a war between your pathetic planet and the far-
>superior militaries of Planets Uru, Fukinokami, and Neptune, and would
>ultimately spell the end of the human race, leaving Earth ripe for our
>colonization.
Tom: <Ataru as Scott Evil> I have a gun in my room. Give me five
seconds, I'll come back and blow my brains out.
>But then when the Urusian ship you were on was sucked into a wormhole
>that sent you back in time to the Christian year 1947, we thought of an
>even better idea.
Crow: <Gray> We decided to let the sisters have you. One good ruler
upside the head will set you right!
>We would hypnotize the American government into giving us the formula
>for the atomic bomb, at a time when the technology was brand new and
>only available to the Americans. Then we would use it to not only wipe
>out human civilization, but also those of the known universe.
Joel: They can fly through space and can't figure out an atom bomb?
Crow: This is sounding more and more like a Dr. Claw scheme.
>They may have more sophisticated technology and better organized
>militaries, but so far, the atomic bomb is one of the most destructive
>weapons in the entire universe. And now that it is in our power, there
>is nothing you can do to stop us."
Tom: Suddenly millions of heroes, both action and super, appeared
right on cue.
>"Dang it," he muttered, "where's Ten-chan when you need him.again? I
>mean, even if he was becoming the Jiminy Cricket to my Pinocchio, he
>was still right, and he saved my ass last time!"
Crow: <Ataru> I got sick of having to show him that I was a real boy.
>"Sorry, Ataru-chan," Ten answered, fluttering up to him. "But we can't
>let you do that." To Ataru's horror, the Oni toddler also had that
>unsettling blank look in his eyes too.
>"Aghhh!" he groaned. "Not you too! Now what am I supposed to do?"
Tom: I suggest heavy and persistent use of the nearest boomstick.
>"There's no need to be afraid," the Gray officer calmly told him. "All we
>need for you to do for us now is to take this laser knife and cut open
>your wife, so we can have her egg.
Crow: <Ataru> Oh, if that's all you... W-WHAT!?
Joel: <Gray> Mmm... she may be incredible but she's not all that
edible.
>And as for the rest, they shall spend the rest of their lives as slaves in our
>plutonium mines in the Crab Nebula. I'll start by turning off your force
>field."
>"The second you do," Ataru growled, as the alien held up a silvery gun,
>"I'm gonna perform an alien autopsy on you, without knives or
>anesthetic."
Tom: Now see? This is why you don't give the laser scalpel to the only
freaking person you DIDN'T hypnotize.
>"Well, I don't think you will," the little gray person answered. "I don't
>think you will." He(she?) fixed its eyes on Ataru. Those deep, dark
>pools of blackness, holes from which nothing could escape, like black
>holes, black, deep, dark.
Crow: <Gray> You'll be Maximilian... and you can call me Dr. Reinhardt,
sweetie.
>The world seemed to grow dull and time itself seemed to slow down.
>The alien's mighty power was drawing him closer, ever closer,
>commanding him to kill Lum.
Joel: <Ataru> We no hurts the hobbitses! But they have my precioussss!
>"Darling." The voice sounded familiar, unknown yet welcoming, like
>water on the lips of a man crawling across the desert. Ataru glanced
>away from the blackness to focus on a green glow slightly above his eye
>level. There, in the midst of it, was the most gorgeous woman he had
>ever seen. She had a perfect figure, clad only in a skimpy tiger-striped
>bikini, long hair, and childlike blue eyes.
Crow: ...which were quickly passed over for her skimpy tiger-striped
bikini again.
>But something about her was different from all the others; her hair was
>green, and small, stubby horns poked out of the top of her head. She
>was gently floating above his eye level, like a leaf in a breeze. She
>seemed so strange and exotic, and yet also somehow familiar to Ataru.
Crow: Ahhh... this paragraph is so relaxing... all I need now is a bubbling
hot tub and a tub of Haagen-Dazs... maybe some soft guitar and....
(Crow notices Tom and Joel staring at him)
Crow: What!? I've been stressed out lately, OKAY!?
>"Darling, I love you with all my heart. Please, please don't hurt me or
>our child."
Crow: <Ataru> Can I at least administer a spanking?
Tom: <Lum> But the baby isn't even born yet!
Crow: <Ataru, slyly> I know.
>Somehow her words spoke to him more strongly than the eyes that were
>trying to become his mind. Like they were trying to reawaken something
>in him that he had forgot. Like he had to do something else.
Joel: <Ataru> Every time I think of Lum scolding.... oh shoot, the garbage!
>"Please, Darling?" pleaded the otherworldly girl, with a plaintive tone
>that nearly made Ataru drop to his knees and start to cry. As he
>approached her, with the evil-looking laser knife beam in his arms aimed
>at her, she sniffed and tears ran from her eyes like a faucet.
Tom: Flash Gordon was NEVER this weepy.
Joel: It's not the impending surgery without anesthesia... it's that Ataru
smells like sauerkraut and bar onions.
>"These people are evil, Darling! Don't listen to them! Their next move
>will be to use you and your friends and family to destroy your planet!"
>But I must, he thought. But I don't really want to, do I ?, he thought.
>"Yes," answered a cold yet calm voice. "Yes you must. To perform our
>demands is bliss."
Crow: Man, this is one intense episode of Fear Factor.
>"No, Darling!" sobbed the girl. "Please listen to me! Use your mental
>energy to break this spell!"
Tom: <Lum> Think with your OTHER HEAD!
>Mental energy, he thought. I never had much mental energy. My average
>is a D+. How should I stop them?
>"There is no way," answered the other voice. "Let us be your guides and
>do our bidding."
Joel: Internal monotone... err, monologue by Ben Stein.
Crow: <Ataru> I'm so confused... should I be saving Lum or Jessie
Spano?
>"Please, Darling?" cooed the floating, bikini-clad girl, who bobbed down
>to Ataru and kissed him passionately. Ataru could feel himself shifting
>into high gear as she started peeling away her skimpy clothing, rubbing
>herself against him, burying her tongue in his mouth, grabbing and
>squeezing with her arms everywhere.
Crow: <Lum, seductively> You don't need to cut me open to get
inside me....
Tom: I'd say that this is nothing more than a bad "Boogie Nights" remake,
but it's always nighttime in space...
>"Lum-chan," he gasped. It was all coming back to him now. "Oh
>Lum-chan, how I love you! I could never >let anything bad happen to
>you!" The blackness vanished from Ataru's field of vision, and soon
>things fell back into focus.
Crow: And as Ataru witnessed the bloody carnage on the floor, he
remarked, "Why did I make out with a laser scalpel in my hand?"
>He was now standing before the force field cage, with the laser knife
>still held in position. Lum, plump and rosy with the baby, cowered in
>the corner with a pinched face and red, tear-stained cheeks.
Joel: <Ataru> Hey, wait... you weren't pregnant in my head!
>She braced herself for the pain when her Darling swung the knife forward.
>and slashed the wires powering the force field generator! Sure enough,
>the blue beams vanished.
Crow: <Ataru> Gee... I missed.
>"Yeah!" howled Benten. "Gonna use us for slave labor and eat my friend;
>I don't think so! Eat my boots!" And she rushed toward the Grays.
Tom: <Gray> We told you already, we only eat Oni...gackk!!
>The Gray commanders quickly grabbed their energy blasters, but Ataru
>knocked some out of their hands (along with their heads and arms),
>while Benten and Lum's parents took care of the rest.
Joel: <Benten> Here, have a pina colada... your feet look like they
need a rub.
Crow: And the truth was revealed that the Grays were nothing more
than some renegade Potato Heads.
>"Guys!" Ataru announced to his friends, parents, and some American
>soldiers standing hypnotized nearby. "Think about something you
>really, really like! I tried thinking about Lum naked! Okay, it doesn't
>have to be that specific or explicit, but you can picture anything you
>truly love!"
Joel: Gee, thanks Tony Robbins.
>So Ataru's dad pictured himself making out naked with his wife on a
>tropical beach. Ataru's mom pictured herself making out naked with
>Rei on the same beach. Mendo pictured himself making out naked with
>Lum, Sakura, and Asuka on the same beach.
Tom: Yes, it's the long awaited 'Urusei Yatsura Expansion Pack'
for 'Sexy Beach 2'!
Crow: Meanwhile, Notch Johnson taped them all from the stands at
Malibu Adjacent.
>Shinobu pictured herself making out naked with Inaba. Sakura pictured
>herself making out naked with Tsubame. Ten pictured making out naked
>with.well, just about every girl in Tomobiki (even Ataru's mom was
>there), except of course for Mako.
Joel: <Ataru> Um, okay... I'll just go grab a sandwich or something... let
me know when you're done... um... picturing.
>And Cherry pictured himself eating a full-course luau banquet on the
>beach, naked. Not that he had some sick food fetish, but he was
>actually a nudist at heart. He also wanted to try and get rid of his tan
>line. If you just pictured what Cherry's tan line looks like, you win this
>year's "Sick Little Monkey of the Year" award.
Crow: As opposed to the dolt WRITING about Cherry's tan line?
>"Charrrrrrrge, men!" bellowed Sakura, once she had been jolted out of
>her trance. The Tomobiki Eight rushed toward the aliens, along with
>Lum's parents and friends, and a couple hundred formerly mesmerized
>American soldiers.
All: <American soldiers> YOOOOOOOO JOE!!!
>The aliens tried their mind-control powers on them, but now that they
>all had their minds set on a clear task, they could mow down the
>fragile Grays like corn.
Tom: I'd like to mow down that analogy with a roto-tiller.
Crow: If you're expecting originality this far in...
>In the end, all the crew suffered were some injuries, burns, and
>contusions. Ataru stood back and gazed at the crumpled, torn bodies
>of the Grays.
Joel: Really makes you think, don't it?
Crow: <Ataru> Well, I can't burn 'em. I don't have a permit.
>"Damn," he gaped, "I sleep with Lum just once and the next thing I
>know, I'm back in time in 1947 killing aliens in New Mexico.
Tom: Just imagine if he slept with Buffy instead...
>Maybe they were right about how a butterfly that flaps its wings in
>Brazil causes a typhoon in Japan."
Joel: Maybe if the butterfly was MOTHRA.
Crow: Applications of chaos theory to fanfics... clearly THIS ONE
spun way out of control.
Tom: <Ian Malcolm> This fanfic is not safe.
>"Well, either way," Shinobu added, "your hentai sense saved us all.
>Who'd have thought your libido would one day be our salvation,
>especially after all the trouble it's gotten us into over the years?"
Crow: Hey, sweet job author! Maybe next time, we can all be saved
by Mendo's acne!
Tom: Or Cherry's tan line.
>"Darling-oop! I think I'm due to lay the egg soon," Lum gasped.
Joel: <Ataru> About three minutes, right?
>Sure enough, she was having trouble breathing, and couldn't keep her
>legs together.
Tom: Yep, that's pretty much how this whole mess started.
>"As school nurse, I'll help deliver this.egg," Sakura offered. She went up
>to the laboring alien as the others eagerly gathered around.
Crow: <Sakura> Uncle, put that bearnaise sauce away!
Joel: <Sakura> You... boil water! You... get the egg dye! You...
find a spoon!
>Lum's mom said something in the chirpy Oni language which translated
>to, "Oh! I'm going to be a grandmother soon!" (Actually, our translators
>have no idea what it actually meant, but we can assume it was along
>those lines.)
Crow: <Author> Translated verbatim? Okay... "I'm gowwana be a
grwandmotha soon! I tought I taw the egg!"
>As Sakura offered breathing exercises and Ataru bit his lip awaiting the
>news, he heard the engine of a Jeep entering the hangar. Closely
>escorted by dark-suited Secret Service agents, was an important-looking
>figure with specs and a cliff-like jaw.
Joel: Wow, Egon Spengler's really come up in the world.
Crow: Oh great, they must be here to recruit guests for the Soaprah
Spinfrey show.
>"All stand at attention for Harry Truman, President of the United States!"
>The President grimaced slightly at the mutilated alien bodies, leaking
>lavender blood. "So, what exactly is going on here?" he asked.
Crow: <Ataru> Well, I invaded the alien's pearl harbor and now she's
dropping the bomb.
Tom: Wow... Ataru's got quite a set of euphemisms to say that to
the President.
>"It's.uh, quite an interesting story here, Mr. President," answered the
>general in charge of Roswell Army Air Field. "Some evil aliens landed
>here with apparent intent to conquer Earth. They had also kidnapped
>some other, peaceful aliens, and one of those is about to give birth."
Crow: <General> Then the Third Pixie Battalion along with First
Motorized Kobolds knocked out the resistance on our left flank...
>"Actually, just lay an egg," corrected Mr. Invader. "The baby won't
>hatch for another nine months."
>"Right. Anyway, the evil ones were defeated by our troops here and
>these fine young Japanese people, who claim to be from the year 2002."
>The President briefly rolled his eyes. "Right," he said.
Tom: Don't feel bad, Harry. It wasn't that believable to us either.
Joel: <Truman> I could use a warm bed and a hot Bess right about
now...
>"I'm.not gonna ask any more questions, but I am gonna want to have
>these extraterrestrial bodies and spacecraft kept here for scientific
>research. And I'd also like this hangar, number 18, kept off limits from
>now on."
Crow: This is reading like a bad Clive Cussler book.
>"Yeah, yeah," exclaimed Mendo in English. "Come witness the miracle
>of creation!"
Tom: He's so eager for this... he must've bought the baby.
>About fifteen minutes later.
>"Ewww!" groaned Shinobu.
>"Yecch," answered Ataru.
>"Barfff!" went Mendo.
(Crow starts tossing something at the screen, catching Joel's attention.)
Joel: Hey Crow, quit trying to throw this poor excuse for theater
popcorn into their mouths.
Crow: Well, what else should I throw at the screen, my lowered
expectations?
>"AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" bellowed Lum.
>Everyone standing in the room, even the famously rugged President
>Truman, were knocked over like bowling pins.
Crow: Great, now she just needs to get pregnant eleven more times and
go for a perfect game.
>About two thousand miles away, in a tiny Minnesota town called
>Frostbite Falls, a small flying squirrel and a large, stupid moose were
>sitting together outside a shack. "You hear something, Rocky?" asked
>the moose.
>"Yeah, sounds like the whistle at the lumber mill again," answered the
>squirrel.
Tom: Well, this story IS a fractured fairy tale.
>Meanwhile, back in Roswell, Lum sat panting in front of a large, wet egg
>with a shell colored lavender and dotted with pink speckles, about the
>size of Ten.
Joel: Then she chucked it at a nearby cloud with a question mark on it.
>Although most of the crew had nearly lost their lunches watching the
>spectacle, and Mendo had, they erupted in cheers for Lum. Ataru
>joyously ran over and hugged her. "Oh Darling," she sighed, "thank you.
>I can't wait for the baby to hatch."
Crow: <Lum> You're getting a vasectomy NOW.
>President Truman offered thanks and the U.S. Army bade them farewell
>as the group piled into the Gray's old flying saucer, and flew back
>through the wormhole to their time.
Tom: But not before finding a stray Neelix first.
Joel: <Ataru> Can't you please just toss him back out of the airlock?
>Their first stop was Washington, D.C., where Lum's parents, etc. helped
>straighten out the mess between the planets.
Crow: <Invaders> We now realize that you're not smart enough to pull
something like this, but it's purely within the realm of reason for you to
screw up this massively on accident.
>The U.S. government hid the saucer at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base
>in Ohio, where most of the wreckage from the Roswell crash had been
>stored. After a memorial service for the Oni soldiers who had been killed
>in the Roswell crash, the President flew them home to Japan on Air Force
>One, while helping straighten things out with the Japanese government.
Joel: <President> Look, we already apologized for the soda jerk... All
right, we'll take away his social security and kick his cane from
underneath him, will THAT appease you!?
>Once home, Ataru's parents helped set up a "nest" of old sheets and
>clothes where Lum could sit on her egg.
Tom: Old sheets and clothes!? Lum, you're the daughter of a planet ruler!
Tell your cheap ass parents to open the purse strings and get their only
child some PILLOWS for god's sake!
>Oni mothers have to do so for the entire nine-month duration not only
>to keep it warm, but also to establish an early bond between mother
>and child. It helps develop telepathic powers.
Joel: <Lum> Oh my god, my baby wants to kill me!
Crow: <Baby> Blast! She wasn't supposed to know till AFTER
the explosion!
>It was a rather dull nine months without Lum to liven things up in
>Tomobiki, but of course the wait would be well worth it.
Tom: Still, Ataru stayed by Lum's side the entire time right after her
father broke his legs.
Crow: Amazingly enough, nine months later Harry Truman hatched.
>The big day came on a brisk, windy day in mid-October. The Moroboshi
>house was crammed with journalists, but Lum didn't mind. She had
>always wanted to be a mother, and her dream would soon finally come
>true. She had no problem with cameras constantly flashing in front of
>her face, with her "Darling" in her arms, putting on a typically goofy
>grin.
Crow: <Spangler> And just like in television, happy endings do happen.
Take care of yourselves. This has been Jeremy's Final Thoughts.
>"Oh, Ataru-kun!" said Shinobu, sobbing with happiness. "Good luck
>with your baby! I'm sorry about how I yelled at you when you first got
>Lum pregnant! I think you'll make a great dad!"
Tom: <Shinobu> Almost as great as Michael Jackson!
>"Heh, heh," laughed Ataru's dad, leafing through some yen bills. "Go
>ahead and have as many kids as you want. If it means all these
>royalties, go get 'em!"
Joel: <Ataru> Sorry dad, our fifteen minutes are up. Unless Lum can lay
a double-yolked egg...
>"Hey, how about it, hon?" Ataru asked his wife, a hungry grin on his
>face.
Crow: <Lum> Sure, what's another nine months stuck in this dink
apartment? Moron.
>"Not tonight, Darling. I'll probably be having to nurse the baby and
>change its diaper. Maybe this weekend." She pulled him in again and
>smooched him some more, to the delight of all the photographers. "Oh!
>I can see the first cracks!"
>Everyone gathered closer. Sure enough, the baby was starting to punch
>cracks in the shell.
Joel: If it says "Nanu nanu", I will get so ticked off...
Crow: <baby> WAHHHHH!! I'm claustrophobic! I'm scared of the dark!
Tom: <Ataru> MENNNNNNNNNDOOOOOOO!!!!
>"Awright! Lummy's a mommy!" shouted Benten. "Attababy! Show that
>shell no mercy!"
>"Yay! A new cousin!" cheered Ten.
>"Agghh! We're grandparents!" screamed Ataru's parents.
>"Hooray," added Oyuki simply in her standard monotone.
Crow: <Oyuki> Can I get paid now?
Tom: So... what? Will the egg hatch and be a Gray? Why the hell are
we still sitting here?
>The first piece gave way.Then the shell split in two, and folded open like
>a book. Out floated a tiny Oni girl! She had her mom's demure face and
>wide eyes, and her dad's black hair, but hers was long and straight, also
>like her mom's.
Joel: And Ataru knew that it was much more than a hunch...
>The baby yawned and stretched in front of the many flashbulbs. Ran
>quickly dashed forward, dried her off, and dressed her in a small
>tiger-striped dress similar to the one Lum had worn as a girl. "Mommy!"
>cried the little one, fluttering toward her mother.
>"Darling, I've done all the work so far," Lum told her husband, beaming
>at their brand-new daughter. "Why don't you name her?"
>"Okay." Ataru thought for a bit.
Crow: <Ataru> Let's see, no i's at the end of her name... nothing edible
or even remotely suggestive... Bertha!
>"How 'bout Rumiko, after my favorite manga artist."
>"You mean the beloved creator of 'Ranma ½', the Mermaid Saga, and
>'Inu-yasha'?" asked Mendo.
>"But you forgot one," added Shinobu. " 'Maison Ikkoku'! I love that
>series; it's so romantic!"
Joel: Shouldn't Megane be here to protest this blatant breaking of the
fourth wall?
>"I love that choice!" Lum cooed. She handed the baby to Ataru's waiting
>arms. "Hello, honey. Your name is Rumiko-chan, or Ruko for short.
>This is your daddy."
Tom: Will she shock or burn him? Boy, the suspense is just killing me.
>"Hi," greeted Ruko, waving at her father. Ataru was struck once again
>by how intelligent Oni babies are by Earthling standards, but since they
>do hatch from eggs, that means their heads and brains don't have to be
>undersized at birth to squeeze out the birth canal.
Crow: <Ataru> Wait a minute... there's a Leap Pad in this eggshell!
Fraud! FRAUD!!!
>Then she glanced over a bit and noticed Mendo.
>The cameras followed Ruko as she clumsily fluttered toward him and
>embraced his arm near the shoulder. "Hiya, stud! What's your name?"
Crow: Yeah, she's a Moroboshi all right.
Joel: <Mendo> The name's Mendo and the password is "pre-nuptial".
>Everyone in the room bent over laughing as Mendo frightenedly tried to
>shake off the amorous alien baby. "That's Shutaro Mendo, the richest
>boy on the planet!" giggled Shinobu. "Good luck with him; he's quite
>the player!"
Tom: Anna Nicole would be horrified. You marry for money only when
the spouse is *over* eighty.
>"Well, hey, Darling," drawled Ruko, "are you single?"
>"Well, uhh, sorta." answered Mendo. "Gahhhh, you Onis freak me out!
>Go play with your parents!" And he grabbed Ruko by her tiny horns
>and dragged her back to the waiting Ataru and Lum. They, Shinobu,
>Sakura, Cherry, and Ataru's parents gasped with surprise.
>"Mendo!" began Lum. "Y-you just grabbed Ruko's horns! Do you know
>what that means?"
Joel: 25 to life?
>"No."
>Ataru exploded with laughter. "It means you have to marry her, just like
>what happened with me and Lum! Congratulations, buddy!"
>"Darling!" cried Ruko, planting kisses all over Mendo's face.
Tom: End end end the 'fic, get it off the screen... hurry hurry hurry
hurry or I'm gonna scream...
Crow: Don't they have to play tag first?
>"Yes I will marry you! Oh, this is the happiest day of my life! Of course,
>we'll have to wait till I'm 16; then we can get married in the American
>state of Louisiana, but until then, I'm moving in with you, t'cha!" By
>now everyone in the room, even the journalists, were laughing so hard
>most of them were wetting their pants.
Joel: It sounds like we could use a mass housebreaking here.
>Mendo, meanwhile, rolled his eyes into the back of his head and collapsed
>to the ground.
Tom: Ziggy could've pulled him out during the Truman scene, but she
wanted to enjoy the show first.
>The End
Crow: That was honestly the worst episode of Jeremy Spangler I've
ever seen.
>Special Bonus Offer! Anyone who caught the Stephen King reference
>will win a free all-expense paid trip to Neptune to have a date with
>Oyuki!
>Call 1- 800-I-LOVE-LUM to win, or send checks of $14.95 to Date
>Oyuki Sweepstakes, P.O. Box 16466, Pennassagunk, NJ 07666 in the
>U.S., or in the UK to 17 Lumley Drive, Ralston Purina, Camfordshire,
>OU8 12B4U.
Tom: <Randy Newman, singing> Fanfic over and it sucked...
Joel: I can bet that this isn't exactly going into the Truman Library.
Crow: Anybody got a pen and paper?
Joel: [staring at Crow] Are you kidding?
Crow: Yes.
Joel: Seriously though, anybody got anything to say about this fanfic
besides the usual gripes, grunts and groans?
Tom: Res ipsa loquitur.
Joel: Come again?
Crow: I think that's Latin, Joel. <imitates Val Kilmer> Evidently Mr.
Servo is an educated bot... now I really hate him.
Joel: But what does it mean?
Crow: Hell if I know. Look it up.
Tom: Res ipsa loquitur.
Crow: Yeah! Ipso Facto THIS, you stupid fanfic!
Joel: <chuckling> Whatever guys. Can we get out of here now? My
knees are getting stiff.
Tom: Yeah, mine too.
Crow: You don't have any knees, Servo.
Tom: Details, details, let's scram already!
(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
Crow and Tom stood on the bridge, flanking Joel who was currently
wearing a white baseball cap backwards and peering through a periscope
viewer.
"Joel, are you sure this is such a good idea? Remember what happened
to the oni ship?" Crow cautioned.
"Ataru and Ten weren't in control of the ship, we are! All we have to
do is find this Bermuda Wormhole in space and I can guide us back down
to Earth!"
"But what if we end up in the past like Ataru? I *REALLY* don't
want to see you in a zoot suit." Tom shuddered.
"Just trust me, guys! I know what I'm... what the heck is that?" Joel
muttered as he turned the periscope slowly as if following an object. "The
hell? Cambot, give me Rocket Number 9, pronto!"
A small object floating in earth orbit was now rapidly drifting towards
them, a moment later, there was a loud thunk noise and the ship suddenly
ground to a screeching halt, throwing Joel and Crow off their feet to hit
the floor while Tom swayed unsteadily. A moment later, the loudspeaker
crackled to life.
"Joel, we just came to a full dead stop, what's going on up there!?"
Gypsy asked, concerned.
"Well, you're not going to believe this...." Joel replied as he got to his
feet and looked through the periscope again. "...but I think we've got a
Denver boot on our ship."
"Dare we ask why a Denver boot is floating around in space?" Crow
grumbled as he leaned on Tom to get back to his feet.
"I dunno but it must be magnetized because it latched right onto us.
Gypsy, could you go outside the ship and see if it can be removed? I'd
do it myself but I get...."
"Spacesick, I know. Hold your horses." Gypsy replied as her
cylindrical body passed through an access hatch like a worm emerging
from the ground until she reached the affected area. "It doesn't look
good, Joel. It's stuck on real tight and we can't blast it off without
crippling the engines."
"Hmm... couldn't we demagnetize the boot by...." Joel began.
"Forget that science stuff! There's only one way to give da boot to
that boot!" Tom interrupted as he floated over the counter. "We're
gonna ACT that thing off!"
"Come again?" Joel replied, confused.
"I get you, Servo! Let's do it!" Crow replied as he struck a dramatic
pose and orchestrated music began playing. "Home? I have no home...."
he began in his best Bela Lugosi. "Hunted... DESPISED... living like an
animal... the jungle is my home...."
"But I shall show the vorld that I can be its master! I shall perfect my
own race of people... a race of atomic supermen..." Tom continued with
his own Bela Lugosi impression.
"THAT VILL CONQUER THE VORLD!!!" They both exclaimed at
the same time as the music swelled to a dramatic conclusion. Joel was
about to say something when he winced at the sound of shearing metal
and suddenly the ship lurged again as if stung.
"Wow, that's did it! The boot just popped off and the ship's moving
again!" Gypsy exclaimed.
"But... but how... why would... I don't get...." a bewildered Joel
rambled on while Crow and Tom strolled together toward the pantry.
"Good job, Crow. We make a good team." Tom said.
"Yeah, though your Lugosi WAS a little wheezy... better work on
that!" Crow replied laughing as a peeved Tom chased him down the
corridor.
* * *
DEEP 13
"What, will these hands never be clean?!?" Frank cried as he continued
to scrub his sore, wrinkled, pink hands in the lab sink. Meanwhile, Dr.
Forrester offered a sympathetic smile and pat on the back.
"There, there, Frank... you'll get over this soon... you'll have to, cause
I'm sure as hell not paying for therapy."
"How I can ever face Hot Dog again!?" Frank sobbed.
Dr. Forrester rolled his eyes. "Just do what I do Frank, bury him in
cheddar cheese and ketchup. Hmm, speaking of which, Frankie want a
whistle dog? Huh, do ya?"
"Oh boy!" Frank immediately withdrew his hands from the sink and
ran in the direction of the kitchen. "Hey hey, wet hands! Use a paper
towel, you slob!" Dr. Forrester admonished as he snatched a roll before
chasing after his assistant.
...AND THE MSTINGS
CONTINUE...
We hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)
I've been MSTing for over eight years now and I want to thank each
and every person who's send me words of support and encouragement
and who have helped me with my MSTs over the years. I treasure
every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that
some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I
helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from
the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make
you laugh for a long time to come. :)
I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who helped me with some
in-depth C&C and suggested riffs for this MSTing....
- Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema' series can be found at
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/ including his latest MSTings
'Dragon of the Night' and 'Friends, Family and San Francisco'.
***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we've contributed
to can be found in the various categories at:***
'A MSTing for All Seasons'
http://www.nabiki.com/mst
'Everything What Is Crap!'
http://svamcentral.org/ewic/
>"Damn," he gaped, "I sleep with Lum just once and the next thing I
>know, I'm back in time in 1947 killing aliens in New Mexico.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 2005 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Keep Circulating the Fanfics....