Urusei Yatsura Fan Fiction ❯ The Senior Year ❯ Onsen Gets The Girl ( Chapter 37 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Urusei Yatsura - The Senior Year: "Onsen Gets The Girl"
By Mike Smith
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Edited by E.B. Kushnir
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Thirtieth of a series based on "Urusei Yatsura" created by Rumiko
Takahashi
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WRITER'S NOTES: For those interested, here are some Vosian cultural
terms:

trench wave - One whose brainwave pattern is so low,
they are beneath one's notice.
short-life - Term for non-Vosians whose lifespans
are shorter than 500 years.
recognition bait - Someone who marries a Vosian for purely
aesthetic reasons, usually applied to a short-life female wanting to extend
her lifespan.
cruising the waves - Psi-linking.
link-headed - One who's *pe'cha* with many.
crest wave - Opposite of trench wave.
stonehead - One who refuses to psi-link.
no track - One with no tracking abilities.
no wave - One whose brainwave patterns cannot be sensed
by a Vosian's powers. Yehisrites and Sagussans fit into this category.

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Seven hundred years ago.

Earth's solar system was visited by a large starship. Overcrowded
and in a state of ill-repair, the ship was on a quest to find a new home
somewhere among the stars. Its voyage began nearly thirteen hundred years
previously on a planet named Vos. At that time, Vos was changing in the
worst possible way...or so thought the original members of the crew and the
ship's 900 passengers. No longer was Vos a planet of many nations and
cultures...but a homogenous society under the rule of Lecasur. The
formation and strengthening of a true world body was only beginning.
Soon, the originals feared, their ways would die out within a few
generations. So, they packed their belongings and beliefs and secretly
boarded a ship to leave for a new home where they hoped their ways would
survive and prosper.

The colony ship went to many suitable worlds, only to find they
possessed indigenous intelligent life forming their own societies. Some
colonists disembarked, such as a sect calling themselves Seishins, who
merged with a like native sect on Uru. Most remained aboard to find a
planet more suitable. Eventually, the ship's compliment grew...as the ship's
state of repair disintegrated to the point where a disaster became inevitable.

In Earth's system, the disaster occurred.

A failure in the warp drive caused the ship to experience a core
breach which would destroy it and anyone unlucky enough to be aboard.
The colonists and crew rushed for the escape pods and shuttles, now
inadequate for the present compliment, to escape to safety on Earth or
Triton. In the end, barely three-quarters of the shipboard population of
12,000 escaped before it was destroyed.

Parents held their children, husbands held their wives as the cold
and vacuum of space took their lives. Some elected to end their lives before
the ship destroyed itself while others prayed vainly for a rescue which would
never come. When the end came, only one would survive: a young girl,
preserved in cryostasis since the journey's beginning, worshipped as a deity
by a sect whose members refused to abandon her to fate, floating asleep,
unsuspecting, in her chamber.

Seven Terran centuries would pass before fate took a hand in
awakening her...

* * *

A tiger-striped scout enters Earth's solar system. Unlike the Vosian
colony ship, it isn't in any danger of destruction. At her helm is a teenage
Oni girl. Lum is returning home from an impromptu visit with her parents.
It was a pretty standard visit, just an exercise to keep informed about the
latest events in her family and friends back on Uru. However, Lum felt
depressed. She wanted Ataru to accompany her to Uru and visit his future
in-laws. She even asked Ataru as the rules of their pre-nuptial agreement
stated. Ataru agreed but made the mistake of asking his grandmother for
permission to leave Earth. Nagaiwakai, to his disappointment, refused to
grant him leave. *Almost home,* Lum sighs. *Mom and Dad looked
well...but I wish Darling could've come. He wanted to go, but Grandma
wouldn't let him. Sometimes Grandma can be such a dork! Darling wanted
to go; why did she refuse to grant him permission?*

Lum's short-range scanners pick up something ahead. Lum turns to
the scanner controls to see what it is. The computer shows a perfectly
rectangular object, barely two metres long by a metre wide and about a
metre thick, now about 20,000 metres ahead of her ship, closing fast due to
her own speed. There is no propulsion system and only weak lifesigns.
"Oh, some space debris," Lum thinks aloud. "Probably something left from
one of Earth's space probes...or one of Oyuki-chan's." Lum turns to her
cargo teleporter's remote control unit. "I'll bring it aboard anyway," a hint
of curiosity appears in her voice. "Who knows; it may be valuable!"

With quick movements of her fingers, a small chamber activates a
wide bluish beam behind her. The object in question soon materializes.
Lum notices it is without much in the way of damage to its gleaming gold
surface. Written on it are several crudely painted markings which look like
some sort of unrecognizable language. "*Tcha!*" she gasps in awe as she
takes a tricorder to look for anything dangerous to her or her ship. She is
further shocked by the readings. "There's a lifeform inside...but the metal's
too dense for me to find out what planet it's from," Lum gasps. "But...this
doesn't look like an escape pod or any kind...and the language isn't one I've
seen before. Maybe I should take it to Earth and show it to Koosei at school
tomorrow. He'll know."

Lum finishes her scan, then returns to her seat to continue her
voyage home...

* * *

Next morning, at his office in Tomobiki High, the Principal is
sitting at his desk, having his tea with his constant companion Kotatsuneko
when Mark Onsen enters. "You wanted to see me this morning, sir?" the
vice-principal gruffly inquires, wondering why his boss wanted to see him
so early in the day.

The Principal turns away from the two-metre tall cat-ghost. A sly
smile crosses his thin face. "Oh, Mark," he points to a waiting chair.
"Please come in and take a seat. Kota-chan and I were just having morning
tea."

"Thanks, sir," Onsen mumbles as he sits. He was used to the
presence of Kotatsuneko in the Principal's office. Sometimes, Onsen drank
tea with the silent feline spirit. He was a good listener if anything else.
"What do you want to see me about?" he inquires.

"I'd like to discuss Koosei Ryooki," his superior offers him a cup of
tea. "Tea?"

"No thanks," Onsen shakes his head. "What do you want to
discuss?"

"Well," the Principal pauses to think about what he is going to say,
something unlike him. "I'm seriously considering hiring him on a permanent
basis."

"I see," Onsen blinks as the Principal hands him a folder marked
KOOSEI RYOOKI - SCOUTING REPORT. Onsen takes it immediately.

"As it states," the Principal sips, "...he's improved the school's
disciplinary record reasonably well. Truancy and bullying cases are both
down by more than 50 percent. Plus his homeroom grade averages are up
nearly 20 percent and their behavioral grade averages are up by 30 percent."

Onsen whistles as he reads the report, finding to his surprise that
the Principal's words are not only correct but understated. Koosei's hammer
tactics were most effective. "But, sir," he places the report down,
"...considering when Koosei came Ataru Moroboshi left the school, a major
cause of the trouble around here went with him."

"That may be," the Principal replies, glaring sternly at Onsen with a
glitter in his lenses, "...but we cannot ignore the facts. Koosei-kun is an
asset...and one we can ill-afford to do without."

"That means..."

"Yes, that means..."

A surprised look appears on Onsen's face, blunted by the stern look
on his superior's...

* * *

While the heads of Tomobiki High discuss Koosei's future, Lum
arrives carrying the cryostasis chamber. It was hard for Lum to explain to
Ataru's parents about the chamber and where she located it. They thought it
was a coffin...for them! After several attempts of trying to open it and
failing, Lum decided to bring it to school to show to Koosei.

Unfortunately, the weight of the chamber is almost too much. Five
times her mass, it presses down on Lum's back as she transports it; it's too
heavy for her to fly with and she doesn't possess anti-gravity grips to carry
it. "Maybe it *wasn't* a good idea to carry this thing to school," Lum
grunts.

Onlookers at the school are alarmed by the sight of Lum carrying a
coffin. Whispers of the impending deaths of Ataru's enemies at school are
spread throughout the student body like wildfire. Finally, after a long ascent
up the stairs to the third floor, Lum calmly places the chamber on Koosei's
desk, then collapses to her knees in near-exhaustion. "Here, Ryooki-sensei,"
Lum gasps to regain oxygen. "Do you know what this is?!"

Koosei looks understandably flabbergasted at what Lum brought.
He thought he had seen it all: knifes, guns, swords, bazookas, even a couple
of Dragonballs! But NOBODY brought a coffin to school before and
deposited it on his desk. "It looks like a coffin," he sighs.

"Lum, why did you bring a coffin to school?" Shinobu politely
inquires.

"It's obvious, isn't it?!" Mie snorts. "Lum-chan's gonna put
someone IN it!"

Panic ripples through the males in the class. Mendou appears in
front of Lum to take her by the hand. "Lum-san," he tenderly intones,
"...has Moroboshi's actions finally driven you to suicide? Have you brought
this coffin to place your lovely body in? You must allow me to dissuade
you from such an act!"

She gives him her usual response! "It's **not** a coffin!!!" she
bares her fangs after Mendou has collapsed to the floor. "I found it floating
in space outside this solar system! There's someone alive inside of it! I
thought Ryooki-sensei may know how to open it and get whoever's inside
out!!"

The class relaxes as Koosei stands to examine the characters.
"Let's see...these look like Vosian characters...from a dialect Vos no longer
uses."

"Can you translate what they say?" Lum cautiously inquires.

"I think so," Koosei hums. "It's very close to Standard...it says
'This Way Up.'"

The whole class faints! "Be serious, Ryooki-sensei!!!" Megane
snarls.

"I *am* serious!!" Koosei coolly replies. "That's what it says!"

"If it says that," Lum cuts in, "...how do we open it?"

"Should we open it?" Lan objects. "You never know. The person
inside could be a criminal or diseased."

Koosei scans the remainder of the chamber for other notations. "I
don't see any warning labels," he shakes his head. "I assume it's safe to
open. Now, where's the latch...?"

He and Lum search for the requested item, finding one atop the
chamber. "Here it goes," the former grunts as he pulls the latch.

The chamber begins to open. A cold mist drifts from the chamber
to fill the room. A light then appears as everyone blinks in shock to see a
young Vosian woman asleep inside. "It's a girl!!!" Kakugari gasps.

"What a girl!!!" Chibi echoes.

The woman is probably the most beautiful person anyone in the
class has ever seen, bar none. Dressed in a purple and black outfit akin to
something from an Arabian epic, she has ankle-length, slightly curly black
hair. She also wears a jewellery store's worth of bracelets, rings, earrings
and necklaces. Looking sixteen, she is well-proportioned, her creamy skin
holding not a visible flaw or mole. "She's a babe!!" Paama gasps.

"A babe of a babe!!!" Megane augments.

"If she was President," Kakugari cuts in, "...she'd be Babe-raham
Lincoln!!"

"She even makes LUM look like pond-scum!!" Chibi stammers.

Movement echoes his statement as the woman's indigo eyes open.
Everyone shudders nervously as she sits up, yawns, stretches herself, then
looks around for familiar faces. "Are we there finally?" she inquires, her
voice the ultimate in 'loli-com.'

Everyone gapes, the males thunderstruck at how beautiful this girl
is and the females feeling quite inferior. "Sh-she's alive...?!" Koosei
stammers.

The girl looks around the room, then notices everyone save Lum is
round-eared. "Wh-where am I?!" she shudders. "Where are the nuns who
are in charge of taking care of me?! What is this planet of monkeys?!"

Everyone falls over. "There's only you," Lum replies. "I found
you floating in space inside this cryostasis chamber. Who are you?"

"Ayanba," the woman inclines her head. "I am the 444th in the line
of Most Perfect of the Wakkaga Sect from the planet Vos."

"Wakkaga Sect?!" Koosei gasps.

"Most Perfect?!" Lum muses.

"That's right," Megane hums. "She's the most perfect girl I've ever
seen!"

He touches Ayanba, causing her to shy away. "Please, it is
forbidden for those who have mates to touch me."

He collapses. "Who says I have a mate?!"

Koosei belts him with the Saturn Five!!!! "Forget Tanoshii
already?!!"

"I've never heard of such a thing," Lum scratches the back of her
head. "What is the Wakkaga Sect and what's a 'Most Perfect?!'"

Ayanba explains...

Untold centuries ago, a small sect of nuns located near Vos'
equator worshipped the physical perfection of a woman's body. Their
leader, the Most Perfect, was chosen after a planet-wide search of all the
young girls born on Vos. She had three criteria to fulfil. First, she must be
pure both physically and mentally. Second, she must have been born after
the last Most Perfect vacated her post. Third, she must be god-like in
beauty. Ayanba fulfilled each to the letter.

The reason why the sect did this was that they believed the Most
Perfect to be a living goddess to be worshipped by the nuns until she was the
chronological age of 35 (physically eighteen). During that time, the Most
Perfect was cloistered in a nunnery with all men save relatives forbidden to
see or touch her lest she'd recognize one and displease the gods. She would
be waited on hand and foot by the nuns. When she reached the age to leave,
she was cast out of the nunnery to never return.

Ayanba explains that a socialist named Lecasur took power on Vos
and united its many nations into a United Nations-like government but with
more political power. The sect soon noticed a homogenous culture was
appearing on Vos. Believing that such would bring a heaven-sent calamity
to their world, they placed Ayanba in a cryostasis chamber, abandoned their
convent and boarded a starship to find a new planet where their teachings
would continue, unsullied by the immorality of the new culture overcoming
Vos.

"That's some story," Shinobu sighs, trying to grasp what Ayanba
underwent.

"The last thing I remember before waking up is being frozen,"
Ayanba adds. "What planet am I on?"

"This is Earth," Koosei informs her. "You're in the Sol system,
third of nine planets, of which two are inhabited."

"Earth...?" Ayanba muses, then nods. "Oh, yes. This planet was
said to be in the early stages of civilization. It seems more advanced now,"
she looks around.

"Well, it's been a long time since you left Vos," Koosei smiles.
"The Wakkaga Sect left nearly two millennia ago."

"I see," she frowns. "Then...all whom came with me are gone
now."

"As I said," Lum looks sympathetic. "You were the only one I
found floating in space."

* * *

While Ayanba is trying to cope with being out of time, Onsen
leaves the Principal's office. *So, the Principal wants to hire Koosei full-
time,* he muses. *I think he'll be happy with this news.* As he nears the
door, he hears the commotion inside. "Sounds like Koosei's having some
discipline problems." the vice-principal snarls.

Onsen slides open the door, then looks surprised to see Ayanba
looking glum sitting in the cryostasis chamber now on Koosei's desk. "Hey,
Koosei!!!" he gasps. "Who's that girl?! What's with the coffin?!!"

Everyone stares at him, including Ayanba. Lum notices her eyes
weakly glow for a moment, soon replaced by a lovesick look on her face.
"Th-that man!" Ayanba gasps. "Wh-who is he?!"

"It can't be!!!" Lum, Lan and Mie gasp.

"What?!" Shinobu stares at them.

Onsen rushes up to Koosei. "What's going on?!!" he screams loud
enough to knock over an elephant. "Who's this?!! Are you planning some
sacrifice WITHOUT school approval?!!"

"This is Ayanba!!!" Koosei retorts. "She's someone Lum brought
to school!!! And this is a cryostasis chamber, NOT a coffin!!!"

"Cryostasis chamber?!" Onsen looks stunned, then jolts.

Everyone quickly sees why; Ayanba is now kneeling reverently at
the vice-principal's feet. "Oh, sir. I am yours now and forever. Please teach
me to be a loving, caring wife for I am too inexperienced to be one."

Everyone faints! "What is this?!!" Onsen sweats. "A joke?!!"

Ayanba, grasps his hand to place against her heart. "I have
recognized you, sir. On my planet, that means I'm yours completely."

"She RECOGNIZED Onsen-sensei?!!" Mendou snorts. "The
ugliest, most ill-tempered teacher in the whole school?!!"

"Is she blind?!" Megane snarls.

"What's he got that WE don't?!!" Kakugari looks to the ceiling.

"Everyone's taken or female," Lum explains. "That means that
Onsen-sensei is not married or engaged to someone else."

"That's true, but I'm not THAT desperate to be married...!" Onsen
panics.

His voice is cut as Ayanba smothers him with a kiss which elicits
envious looks from the boys. "Why do you resist? I'm yours!"

"B-but, y-you're old e-enough to b-BE my o-own daughter!!"
Onsen stammers, quite overwhelmed by her gesture.

"Well," Lum muses, "...not exactly."

Ayanba giggles, moving to remove her clothes. "Let's secure our
relationship," she meows as she slips off her top.

Hormones go into overdrive. "Sh-she's taking h-her clothes o-
off!!" Chibi stammers.

"*Tcha!*" Lum blinks admiringly. "She's so beautiful even I'M
attracted to her!!"

"M-me, too!" Mie nervously nods.

Once disrobed, Ayanba hops back into the chamber, motioning
Onsen to join her. "You may start when you are ready, Onsen-sama," her
voice drops to such a seductive purr, Onsen doesn't know if he should
respond or not.

Koosei cuts in, whacking the lovestruck Vosian on the back of her
head! "Idiot!!"

"That hurt!" Ayanba rubs the back of her head. "Why'd you do
that?!"

"<<That's not the way to attract a husband!>>" he switches to
Vosian. "<<It goes against even Vosian norms of behaviour! You are
supposed to be a goddess, not a harlot!>>"

"<<I'm recognized to him!>>" she cries. "<<That means I'm now
his, body and soul!>>"

"<<That's true, but NOT literally>>."

Baffled by the switch of languages, Onsen turns to Lum. "I don't
understand. Why is this girl so attracted to me?!"

"She's recognized to you, Sensei," Lum diplomatically explains.
"It's a genetic bonding Vosians are capable of which allows them to find
their perfect mates!"

Onsen nearly has apoplexy. "I'm...her PERFECT mate?!" he
stammers, a sign stating A MAN'S RESPONSIBILITY appearing behind
him.

Then he smells something burning. He turns to see every male in
the class angrily glaring with unholy jealousy at him. "Onsen-sensei!!!"
Mendou points a finger his way. "You DARE try to seduce this goddess?!!"

"You DARE try to have your way with a girl who's young enough
to be your own daughter?!!" Megane adds.

A chant of "Pervert!! Pervert!!!" rings through the room. Onsen
nervously considers the problem. *I've got to think of something or else it's
MY job!* He smiles as an idea pops into his head, then points at the
windows. "Look!! Ataru is coming!!"

The response is swift. "**WHAT?!?!?!**" the men rush to the
windows.

Onsen snickers as he tries to escape. "They fell for that trick
again!"

Lum's and Mie's sledgehammers bash him down! "*Tcha!!!*" the
Oni snarls. "Stop involving MY Darling in your attempts at controlling the
class, Sensei!!!"

"Hey!!!" Megane points. "He's right!! Ataru IS coming here!!!"

"What?!!" Onsen rushes to the window to see Ataru dressed in
baseball undershirt and jeans walking to the school.

Ataru steps into the class. "Darling, what are you doing here?!"
Lum gasps.

"I'm not sure," he scratches his head. "The writer just wanted me
to be in this scene. Not even Grandma can resist him!"

He notices Ayanba as she dresses. In a flash, he is right beside her,
grasping her hands. "What a cutie!!" he gasps, awestruck.

"Shit!!" Mendou gapes. "Only a minute here and he's returned to
his old ways!!"

Lum administers a direct cure. "Darling! Remember, you don't
DO that anymore!!"

Ataru falls into Lum's arms, relieved after getting a dose of her
lightning. The boys snicker as they see something which has not happened
for five months. "Well, I guess it isn't too bad to see him get his just
desserts!!" Megane laughs.

Lum turns on the boys. "Oh, so you LAUGH at my being forced to
zap Darling, eh?!!" she snarls as she gives them a dose of her powers!

They scream as Ataru recovers. "Thanks, Lum!" he breathes out.
"For a moment there, that girl was making me regress."

"I'm sorry," Ayanba looks apologetic.

"No problem," he stands, courtly bowing.

He and Lum then smell something burning; this time, it's Onsen
himself burning in anger! "Moroboshi!!!" he growls as he seizes Ataru by
the shirt. "Stay away from that girl if you know what's good for you!!!"

Ataru looks somewhat intimidated. "Okay, okay, I will!!" he
waves Onsen down. "I didn't know she was your daughter. Relax!"

"She's **not** my daughter!"

"Oh, she's a relative then."

"I'm not his relative, either," Ayanba appears beside Onsen.

"What are you, then?!"

"I am..." she grabs a microphone, then dramatically spins around
before completing her statement, "...HIS WIFE!!!!!!"

Ataru is so stunned, a 16 tonne weight smashes him! "Wife?!! To
THIS ugly man?!!"

"*Tcha!*" Lum nods.

Ataru stands, looking serious. "Well, then there's only one thing I
can do."

Suddenly, a celebration ball explodes above Onsen and Ayanba! A
sign declaring CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MARRIAGE!! ONSEN
AND AYANBA: TRUE LOVE FOREVER!! appears. "Now, there's
ANOTHER one out of the way!" Ataru, now in a red tuxedo, announces
over his microphone, then launches into a banzai cheer.

Onsen bashes him with a desk! "NOBODY'S GETTING
MARRIED YET, YOU IDIOT!!!!"

Unaffected, Ataru slyly stares at the vice-principal. "Are you sure
about that?" he hums, pointing to a spot behind Onsen.

Onsen turns to see Ayanba lovingly hugging his arm. "Yes, you're
definitely the man for me," she gushes.

Ataru's clothes transform to a lawyer's robe, complete with
powdered wig like "Rumpole of the Bailey." "The Defense rests!!" he
announces, then turns to Lum as his clothes revert to normal. "So, how did
Onsen manage to land such a young babe for his wife?!"

"Look at her ears," Lum points.

Ataru notices the tapered ears and the lack of fanged canines, plus
the more intelligent demeanour which would not indicate a Niphentaxian.
"A Vosian?! If she's in love with him, that means recognition! So,
WHAT'S A YOUNG VOSIAN GIRL DOING IN TOMOBIKI?!?!"

"Read the beginning of the story, Ataru-chan," Mie advises.

"No matter," Ataru gently pushes Onsen and Ayanba together, then
pops open a fan. "I *definitely* approve!!"

"I wasn't asking for **your** approval, Moroboshi!!" Onsen
snarls, not impressed. "I'm still not sure if this is for real!!"

Ayanba appears before him, eyes brimming with tears. "Y-you d-
don't l-like m-me...?!"

Now feeling guilty, he pulls out a tissue to clean her face. "W-
well, it's not that I don't like you or anything, but I'm just a little surprised
that a cute girl like you would want an old man like me!"

"Age isn't a problem," Ayanba sniffs. "I like older men."

Onsen falls over. "I see..."

"Say, Mark," Koosei appears behind him. "You're not married to
someone, are you?"

"Of course not!" Onsen shakes his head.

"Then, here you go!!" Ataru hands Ayanba to him with a tag stating
TO MARK ONSEN FROM THE WRITERS OF URUSEI YATSURA -
THE SENIOR YEAR! MERRY CHRISTMAS! "She's all yours!"

Onsen scratches his head confusedly. "But, I don't know what to
do with her!"

Ataru hands him a sex manual. "Take this, too."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!!"

"What DO you mean?!" Ayanba demands.

"I'm so used to being alone," Onsen stares at her. "I'm not sure if
I'll be able to cope with the stresses of married life."

"But I have nowhere else to go," Ayanba sobs, fresh tears flowing
from her eyes. "My old life is gone. All that I knew, all the people I knew,
are gone. I'm alone as well!!"

Suddenly, a traditional Japanese guitar player appears beside
Ayanba (who is now wearing a traditional kimono). "Poor, poor Princess
Ayanba..." the player chants.

"Aren't you getting a little too carried away?!" Shinobu muses.

["I thought the traditional guitar player was a great touch," the
writer explains.]

Onsen and Ayanba take each other by the hand and stare lovingly
into the other's eyes. The scene transforms into a painting of a stormy sea
with a fragile boat about to be swamped by the waves. A sign declaring
WE'RE ENTERING A STORMY SEA hangs from the boat. "Don't cry,"
Onsen intones with a sympathy in his voice that no one could conceive
would arise from him. "You can stay in my apartment until we can get this
sorted out."

"Really?" she smiles. "Thank you, Dear!"

She kisses him, rising the ire of all the other men, who try to
clobber the vice-principal with all the non-burnable junk they can find!!
"WE STILL DON'T APPROVE!!!!!!"

In response, Ataru (as Cyborg) and Lum demolish them!!!
"***WHO CARES WHAT YOU THINK?!?! WE APPROVE!!!!!!***"

The other boys get the message...

* * *

An hour or so later, after Onsen manages to explain what happened
to the Principal, the vice-principal and Ayanba arrive at a rundown old
boarding house which would remind "Maison" fans of Ikkoku-kan. "You
live in this hovel?" Ayanba stares innocently at Onsen.

"On my salary, it's all I can afford right now," he sighs.

The two enter the apartment. The foyer is plain, noticeably better
taken care of than the exterior. "I'm back!" Onsen announces to a door
emblazoned with MANAGER'S OFFICE.

Seconds later, a wizened gentleman appears, dressed in brown
coveralls. "My, you're back early," he hums.

"Well, this is an emergency," Onsen coughs apologetically. "It
seems I've somehow got myself a wife."

The Manager gazes at Ayanba. "My," his eyes bulge out in
surprise. "These mail-order brides ain't so bad looking after all!"

Onsen faints! "What's a 'mail-order bride,' Dear?" Ayanba
innocently inquires.

"Never mind," he groans, moving her toward the stairs. "I'll show
you our room."

They step onto the second floor, entering the fourth room. "Here's
where you'll be staying for now," Onsen announces.

Onsen's apartment is a one-room disaster zone. The furnishings are
little more than a desk and chair, a stove, a small refrigerator, a television
located atop a dresser and a kotatsu. The only window is on a far wall.
Another wall serves as a closet door. Surprisingly to Ayanba, this is better
than nothing. "It reminds me of my parent's house," she hums. "Except it
was cleaner."

"Sorry," he embarrassingly smiles, scratching the back of his head.
"I haven't had time to clean this week."

"Well, then," Ayanba picks up a broom and dustpan. "This is my
first job as wife!"

Unfortunately, she fails miserably to clean up the apartment,
leaving it worse off than before. Finally, Onsen manages to stop her from
destroying the place. "L-let me do the cleaning," he takes the broom from
her hand. "You go cook something for lunch."

"Oh...okay," Ayanba heads for the stove.

Minutes later, Onsen finishes cleaning the mess, making the
apartment more livable. "There, finished!" he triumphantly muses...then
smells smoke.

Spinning around, he sees where it is coming from: the stove.
Ayanba is trying to cook something in a small pot. "What are you doing?!"
he pulls her away from the stove, then takes the pot off the burner.

"I was making lunch," she picks up the pot, still belching smoke.

The stench floors them both. "What are you making?!" he grabs
his nose. "Napalm?!!"

"I'm not sure," she recoils. "It's a mixture of several things called
cup ramen, vinegar and milk."

Onsen nearly vomits, his face now a sickly green. *Even though
she's a goddess, she's a terrible housekeeper and cook!* "Um...how about
we go out to lunch?" he moves to diplomatically end this situation.

"But why?"

"You need some clothes," Onsen points to her. "You can't go
around dressed like that."

"I don't need any clothes," Ayanba smiles, moving to remove her
top.

"Hey, this isn't your homeworld!! You have to wear clothes most
of the time here!"

Ayanba quizzically stares at him, then relents. "How prudish the
people are on this planet," she sighs.

*Thank the gods I stopped her,* he sighs, relieved. *If she ever
decided to leave this apartment nude, she'd kill the Manager...as well as
shock the entire neighbourhood!*

Unseen by the vice-principal, the MIQ...manager in question...is
gazing in on them through a hole in the wall dividing Onsen's apartment
from its vacant neighbour. "Shit!" he quietly muses. "Onsen can sure pick
them! I should try that mail-order bride agency myself!!"

* * *

An hour or so later, after Onsen and Ayanba lunch at a nearby
ramen kiosk, they enter one of the clothing discount stores in the local
Ginza. There, the Vosian is quick to try on Earth clothing at her would-be
husband's urging. However, she has no idea about the function of a
changing room. In a matter of moments, a pile of stunned men lie on the
floor after seeing her disrobed body. "Ayanba," Onsen sighs as she finishes
changing into a T-shirt and a pair of jeans in front of a couple of startled
old-age pensioners, "...don't you know how to use a change room?!"

"I've nothing to hide," she turns to show off her T-shirt. "Dear,
does this look nice?"

The T-shirt has a Japlish slogan stating TONIGHT: THE BITCH!
KINKY SEX TONIGHT! Onsen looks ready to scream in frustration, but
just covers his eyes disgustedly. "I don't think anyone would treat you well
if you wore *that* T-shirt in public,."

"Okay," she whips off the T-shirt. "I'll try another one."

Ayanba's actions send five men falling down an escalator. She
slips another T-shirt on, this one emblazoned with a more civil slogan.
"How's this?"

"Better," he sighs. "Don't you think you'd better use a change
room?"

"What's wrong with changing out here?"

Onsen indicates the unconscious and semi-conscious men on the
floor, many drowning in puddles of their blood. Wives, girlfriends and co-
workers try to revive them. "This happens every time you change clothes."

"My, this world is even *more* prudish than I thought!" Ayanba
groans, then notices a small display of women's undergarments. Curious,
she picks out a brassiere, then turns to Onsen. "Dear, what's this?"

"Women's underwear," he replies. "They wear that on this planet,
too."

"I see," she proceeds to put on the brassiere and a pair of panties.

"They're very important to most women on Earth," he notes.

Once done, she shows herself off. "Am I wearing these correctly?"

Onsen faints on seeing she is wearing the undergarments
OUTSIDE her T-shirt and jeans! "N-not exactly," he nervously sighs.
"You wear that stuff *under* your clothes!"

She doesn't look impressed. "You do?!" she yanks the
undergarments off with a huff. "How prudish! I'll go without!!"

Finally, Onsen purchases Ayanba enough clothes to start her own
wardrobe: jeans, T-shirts, shoes, dresses and coats. The staff, looking
unusually grateful, quickly wrap everything and usher the couple out the
door. In fact, they slam the doors behind them, now emblazoned with a sign
stating PATRONS *MUST* USE THE CHANGEROOMS! Onsen shakes
his head. *I thought the staff in that store would've called the police on us
by now!"

"Where to now, Dear?" Ayanba smiles.

Seeing a clock, Onsen notes how late in the day it is. "Well, it's
getting close to suppertime. Let's go have something to eat."

"Okay," she slips her arm around his.

"Oh, Onsen-sensei," a girl's voice inquires from behind them.
"Who's the girl?"

They turn to see a beautiful girl with shoulder-length black hair,
dressed in a short-sleeved blouse, baggy shorts with suspenders, white socks
and running shoes, a red purse over one shoulder. "Oh, Miki!" Onsen
smiles. "This is Ayanba," he indicates his companion. "She's...she's..."

"I'm his wife," Ayanba jumps in.

"W-wife?!" she stammers. "I see. I'm Miki Taberu. I live in the
apartment below yours. Sometimes, Onsen-sensei tutors me."

"Oh, do you go to Dear's school?"

"No, I go to Butsumetsu High School for Girls," Miki replies.

"That's nice. Dear and I are going to have supper. Would you care
to join us?"

Miki's eyes suddenly glitter. Onsen looks ready to flee. "Why,
sure I would!"

"But you pay for your **own** meal, Miki!" Onsen cuts in.

"Okay." There is a good reason for Onsen to ask Miki to go dutch:
she is known by her ex-boyfriends, including Shitto Paama, as the
Bottomless Pit. She has eating binges which could put sumo wrestlers or
Sakura and Cherry COMBINED to shame. Oddly enough, Miki is slim
despite the massive amounts of food she can consume at any one time.
However, Onsen believes that will only last until she stops growing taller; he
has met Miki's parents and they are both massively overweight. The reason
they live on the ground floor is they both fell through the floor after trying
out a second-floor apartment!

After restaurant shopping for a few minutes, the three enter a
Chinese restaurant named IKAKUCHO. Ayanba is already taking well to
Miki. *Maybe she can calm Ayanba down,* Onsen muses on noting this.

"You're a foreigner, eh?" Miki inquires.

"That's right," the Vosian nods. "I just arrived today and I'm not
used to the cultural mores of the people around here."

"Well, just follow what I do when I eat if you want to learn
Japanese eating manners."

Onsen looks ready to sink into the floor. Before he can object, the
waitress arrives with their orders. "Enjoy your meals," she bows before
moving on.

Miki's eyes blaze as she twirls a fork and spoon in the air. "It's
eating time!!"

"It's eating time!!" Ayanba parrots.

Miki begins to greedily consume her food...as does Ayanba. The
former noisily slurps back her food, demonstrating a total lack of manners.
As instructed, the latter eats the same way. Onsen can only watch in horror
as the two girls eat...and eat...and eat...and eat. Finally, after an hour, they
stop. After paying the huge bill, Onsen and Ayanba part from Miki. "I've
got to go home for dinner," the latter waves as she ruses off, not the worst
for wear. "Bye!!"

"Bye, Miki," Ayanba burps, groaning as she rubs her stomach.
"Earth people have such horrible table manners."

She turns green as Onsen tries to explain. "Miki's a nice girl...but
she'll eat everything she can get her hands on. Be careful the next time you
meet her."

"I'll try," she gags. "But I've gotta throw up first...!"

Onsen manages to get her over a garbage can. "Let's go home."

* * *

Hours later, Ayanba and Onsen prepare for bed. *Well, she's not
really a bad girl, just a little strange at times,* the vice-principal muses to
himself. *I hope she realizes that I'm an older man and she's just a kid.*

He finishes putting down his futon, then turns to undress when he
hears giggling behind him. He spins around to see Ayanba in his futon!
"Oh, Dear," she coos. "This is our first night together. Let's make it
special!"

Naturally, he falls flat on his face. "H-hey!! I gave you your own
futon!"

She grabs him by his belt, then drags him to his knees. "But I'm
your wife! A married couple should *always* sleep together!!"

He is soon quick to notice something else as he is wrestled into the
futon. "Hey!! Why aren't you wearing the nightie I bought you?!"

"I prefer to sleep in the nude," she coos. "Dear, let's make a baby
right now!"

He tries to get out of her clutches. "But, you're an alien," he
stammers. "I'm not even sure we can do that!"

Ayanba then slides back the cover to reveal herself to him. "Th-
then again..." steam explodes from his nose.

Pleased, she drags him back into the futon. "Oh, I love you, Dear,"
she sighs romantically as the covers slip over them...

* * *

After a night full of...well, things little kids should not see or
hear...Onsen drags his tired body to school. Entering the teacher's office, his
demeanour makes the others realize that they better be cheerful or else face
the vice-principal's wrath. Finally, Koosei comes up to him. "Morning,
Mark," he essays a smile. "You look all in. Had a rough night with your
wife?"

"Rough wasn't the word," Onsen nearly collapses. "Ayanba
wouldn't stop all night! Shit, now I know how Ataru felt at times around
Lum! I barely got any sleep!"

"Well, recognition can be quite strong," the homeroom teacher
muses. "And coupled with the fact that she was raised by nuns in a convent,
she doesn't know how to relate to a man. Then, there's the age difference..."

"Don't remind me!!" Onsen groans. "I haven't had a meaningful
relationship with a woman since Yoshiko-san was grabbed by the Red
Mantle when I was in high school!"

"With your face, I'm not surprised."

"What's wrong with **my** face?!!"

Everyone innocently whistles away on the fear of being fired...or
killed.

* * *

After a nap to restore himself, Onsen calls Lum to his office. "You
wanted to see me, Sensei?" the Oni inquires as she arrives.

"Yes, Lum-san," the vice-principal groans. "Come in and close the
door."

Lum closes the door, concerned. She had rarely been to the
principal's office, much less the vice-principal's. She had always been told
that such a visit meant that you had done something wrong, not that Lum has
done anything wrong today. "I won't mince words, Lum-san," Onsen sighs.
"But living with an alien is not easy."

"I should know," Lum sighs, remembering the problems plaguing
her relationship with Ataru, plus the interesting twist her bond with Noa is
bringing to her life.

"Good. I've a favour to ask. Do you have books on living with
Ayanba's people?"

"I think I've got one aboard my ship," Lum smiles after considering
his question.

"Can I borrow it?"

"Sure," Lum flies out. "I'll go get it!"

She returns a minute later with a thick book that she hands to
Onsen. "Here you go!"

Onsen stares at the cover, discovering that it is in a very unfamiliar
alien script! "What language is this?!!" he snarls.

"It's in Vosian," Lum smiles, then points to the back of the book.
"But, there's an Oni translation in the back."

"I can't read either Vosian OR Oni!!" he snaps. "Can you translate
it into Japanese?!"

"Well," Lum hums, "...the grammar from Oni to Japanese is
tricky...but I'll try."

"Do it! And be quick about it!!"

"Yes, Sensei!" Lum bows, then taking the book, flies out the door.

* * *

At day's end, Lum hands the translation to Onsen. "Here you go,"
she smiles. "I used my computer to help with the translation."

"Finally!!" he looks ecstatic. "I've something to go on! Thanks,
Lum-san!"

"But...!" Lum moves to say something more, but suddenly finds
herself alone in the office. "*Tcha!!*" she sighs. "I wanted to tell him that
the computer makes mistakes in translating Oni to Japanese!"

* * *

Later that evening, Onsen busily reads the translation while Ayanba
watches a baseball game on television. "Let's see," he quietly reads. "It
says here 'Vosians have the ability to genetically bond themselves with their
mates. This is called recognition. Vosians consider recognition to be a
sacred act. Once recognized, marriage soon follows even if the one so
recognized is not even Vosian. Recognition usually is of a two-sex nature,
but same-sex relationships are also possible and are highly respected.

"'Vosian women prefer to keep their hair long until they either
formally marry or bear children. The reason for this has long since been lost
to history and tradition. The only time they cut it short before entering
child-rearing years is when they learn they are lesbians. Cutting their hair
informs potential mates they are taken. Regardless of gender orientation, a
good way to make a Vosian woman happy is to comb her hair.'" He looks
up. *I can do that,* he muses to himself, noticing Ayanba's hairbrush
nearby.

Taking the hairbrush, he walks over to brush her hair. "Dear!" she
gasps, lustily gazing at him. "Are you brushing my hair?!"

"Yes," he nods. "Lum-san's book says this makes you happy."

"That's not the only thing it does!!" she growls, then overpowers
him with a kiss.

"**This** is happiness?!!" he gags deliriously as she kisses him all
over his face. Quickly fetching the book, he continues to read. "'Brushing
hair is *very* important in sexual foreplay with Vosian females, especially
if it is done by the one so recognized.' NOW the book tells me!" he moans
before Ayanba knocks him over, causing a nearby flower pot to fall to the
floor.

After an hour of...certain naughtiness which should not be really
discussed in front of children...Onsen returns to the book, sitting beside the
kotatsu. "'Generally, Vosians who have recognized their mates try their best
to keep them happy.'"

Echoing that statement, Ayanba places a plate of very unappetizing
food in front of him. "Dinner, Dear," she announces, then proceeds to
consume her own meal.

"What's this?!" he demands.

"This is a special recipe I developed when I was in the convent. I
had to use some Earth food instead of Vosian food. Try it."

Seeing that she is enjoying when she prepared, he moves to take a
bite. "Well, okay," he sighs...then nearly gags. "What IS this slop?!! Pigs
couldn't eat it!!"

"What's wrong?!" she looks confused. "It's the exact same thing
I'm eating."

"What did you put in it?! I've never tasted Vosian food before."

She thinks. "Well, I put green beans, vinegar, noodles, apple sauce
and one other thing I can't remember."

"What?!" he bangs his fist on the table.

"It was something I had to borrow from the manager."

"Which was?!"

"This," she shows him a half-bar of soap.

He flushes with rage. "You served soap in MY dinner?!!"

"My people can eat soap," she comments.

"MINE can't!" he retorts...then hiccups, bubbles escaping his
mouth.

Ayanba watches as the bubbles quickly transform Onsen's
apartment into something akin to a big band television show! "Is this a
common Earth custom?"

Onsen's response is drowned out by the bubbles. Later, after
cleansing himself from the soap, he returns to the manual. "'Nudity is
important in a loving relationship with a Vosian. Vosians consider the
wearing of clothes during sleeping, bathing or swimming to be socially
regressive. Although nudity is common on Vos, lewd comments are
welcome.'"

He looks over to see her drawing out the futon. "Dear, it's almost
time for bed."

"Okay," Onsen nods...then begins to incomprehensibly stammer,
awestruck as she undresses, then slips into the futon.

She is quick to notice his stare. "Is something wrong, Dear?"

"I-it's just that..."

"What?"

"That...that...that..."

"Yes?"

"You have the best (blank) I've ever seen on a girl!!" he blurts.

Stunned by his statement, Ayanba then leaps up to repeatedly slap
his face with considerable force! "Dear is a pervert!! Pervert!!! Pervert!!!"

Onsen then finds himself sleeping OUTSIDE the apartment, now
sporting a black eye! *What did I say?!* he muses. *The book said lewd
comments were welcome...unless...!*

* * *

Next day, Lum sits at her desk when Onsen appears in front of her.
"Lum!!! You said you translated that book for me perfectly!!!"

"Well," she gulps, seeing the damage to his face. "I didn't do the
translation, my computer did. It sometimes has trouble with Japanese
grammar. Did you have a problem?"

"Does this LOOK like I had a problem?!" he points to his eye, then
indicates the page in question. "It says here that lewd comments to nude
Vosians are welcome. I gave Ayanba one when she was nude and she
nearly killed me before she made me sleep outside MY own apartment for
the night!!"

"That's wrong!" Lum looks frustrated. "It should say lewd
comments to nude Vosians are NOT welcome. It was just a little typo!"

"Misspelling a word or getting a date wrong is a 'little typo!!!'" he
slams his hands on her desk, aglow with fury. "But getting a piece of vital
information totally wrong is unforgivable!!! I ought to expel you from
school for this!!!"

He is then bashed by a begging cat statue thanks to Mie! "Aw, put
a sock in it, Onsen-sensei!!" she snaps. "Lum-chan was doing her best!
Oni-Urusian's a difficult language to translate! It's almost as bad as
Sagussan!!"

"Wh-what's S-sagussan...?" Onsen moans.

Mie looks confused. "I wish I knew."

* * *

After the day ends, Onsen returns to the apartment to find Ayanba
cooking. "I'm home," he grumbles, placing his briefcase on the floor, then
slips off his jacket.

"Oh, Dear!" Ayanba smiles. "Supper's almost ready! This time I
tried cooking the way you Terrans do. I hope you like it!"

"I'll try," he sits by the kotatsu.

Minutes later, Ayanba serves tempura with miso soup. Unlike her
previous efforts, this serving looks edible. "Here you go!" she beams,
staring on her own meal.

He hesitantly moves to take a bite. *I hope she got it right this
time,* he sighs...

* * *

Onsen awakens the next day in the district hospital. A nurse
examines him as the Principal, Koosei, Lum, Sakura and Ayanba anxiously
await any signs of life. "Wh-what h-happened...?" the vice-principal gags.

"You're recovering from a serious case of food poisoning," the
nurse reports. "You ate a bad piece of tempura."

She departs. "I see," he groans, then notices his visitors. "Sorry to
disappoint you all, but I'm still alive."

"Relax, Mark," the Principal smiles. "The school can get along
without you for a few days."

"I'll be covering for you in the office until you recover," Sakura
volunteers.

"I'll take your classes," Koosei adds.

"I brought a card signed by my class for you," Lum places a get-
well card by the bed.

"Thanks, Lum," the vice-principal moans.

"Well," the Principal sighs. "Let's allow our stricken comrade time
to recover."

Everyone departs save for Ayanba, who stands beside the bed.
Minutes pass as both try to start a conversation. "Dear, I'm sorry! I didn't
know that tempura was bad! I guess you'll throw me out of the apartment
now! I'm no good as a wife! I wish Lum never found me floating in
space!!" With that, she drops to her knees and begins to cry.

"That's alright, Ayanba," he gently strokes her hair. "It was an
honest mistake. I'm not going to throw you. But you need time to learn how
to be a real housewife."

"How can I learn that?" she sobs.

"Why not talk to Lum?"

* * *

That evening, Ayanba visits Lum. The Oni is taken totally by
surprise when she learns that Onsen was the one who recommended to the
Vosian she seek Lum's tutelage in how to be a proper mate for a Terran.
Although Kinshou was quick to leap in to offer her knowledge, Lum,
remembering how badly she treated Ataru and Nokoko, kept Ayanba to
herself.

The Oni quickly puts the former "goddess" through her paces.
Ayanba learns how to cook both Oriental and Occidental dishes, how to
clean clothes and a house, and how to better relate to living with a Terran.
On occasion, Lum did allow Ataru's mother the chance to elaborate on what
the Oni was teaching, but it was always under Lum's supervision.

During this time, Lum learns a lot about Ayanba's life prior to her
becoming the Most Perfect. She hailed from an impoverished family of
forty children native to one of Vos's less wealthy nations. Her father was a
factory worker while her mother stayed at home, working as a maid when
she was not pregnant. During her stay in the convent, Ayanba sorely missed
her parents and siblings. She in fact had no say when the nuns placed her
aboard the colony ship; not even granting their "goddess" the chance to say
goodbye to her family. They never even solicited her opinion about going
on the trip; they just simply forced her into a cryostasis chamber and placed
her aboard. Ayanba never forgave the nuns for their act and was more than
grateful when she recognized Mark Onsen so she could put her Most Perfect
days behind her...

* * *

In Oshika at that time, Ataru receives a surprise visitor: Mark
Onsen himself! "C-can I sp-speak to y-you for a l-little wh-while?!" the
vice-principal stammers as he faces the business end of Ataru's *qu'f-
piaqu'r.*

"Make it quick!!" Ataru snarls. "This gun's got an itchy trigger
finger!"

After Onsen is escorted to the living room, he nervously faces his
host. "Ataru," he sighs, then screams, "TELL ME HOW TO LIVE WITH
AN ALIEN GIRL!!!!"

After recovering from his fainting, Ataru instructs the vice-
principal in the ins and outs of living with a non-Terran. During this time,
Ataru learns much more about Onsen than he could have learned while he
was a student at Tomobiki High. Onsen was a bitter, lonely man who at first
really liked Sakura. Unfortunately, when he learned of the nurse's
engagement to Tsubame Ozuno, he began to believe that he would spend the
rest of his days alone. Ataru even learns to his surprise that Onsen was
once, and still is to a certain extent, very shy around women.

Several hours after Onsen's departure, Ataru receives a more
welcome visitor. "Oh, Darling!" Lum collapses on the living room couch.
"I had such a rough week!! I had to teach Ayanba how to be a wife!"

"You think *you* had problems?!" Ataru sighs. "I just finished
instructing Onsen on how to live with an alien girl!!"

"We've got the same problem," she notes.

"It seems so," Ataru sits beside her. "Who would've thought that
we of all people would be acting as marriage counsellors?!"

"It boggles the mind," Lum smiles. "But, Darling, shouldn't we do
something more?"

"Like what?"

"Well," the Oni muses. "Maybe it's time we played matchmaker
for them."

"Matchmaker?" the Terran blinks. "How?!"

"Like this," Lum whispers into his ear...

* * *

Monday...

After school, Onsen quietly loads his briefcase for the trip home.
"Another day ends," he moans, remembering that he has to look forward to
another night with Ayanba.

He tenses as black blurs flash around him like bees scouting a
flower. Before he could react, two grab him and drag him off. "You will
come with us, Onsen-san!" one announces.

"Who are you?!!" he demands.

"We're the Kuromoroboshi! We're on a special assignment for the
Young Master."

Onsen blinks surprisedly. *'Young Master?!' Isn't that...?!*

Before he could finish, he finds himself deposited in front of an
equipment storage shed. "He's in there!" the female voice announces before
the blurs disappear.

"What's this all about?!!" the vice-principal demands.

The shed's door snaps open, revealing Ataru in a white-trimmed
black kimono. "Oh, there you are! Glad you can make it!"

"What is this, Moroboshi?!" Onsen snarls. "What's with ordering
your ninja brigade to kidnap me from my office?!"

"Let's just say," Ataru snaps open a small fan, "...it's fate!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Ayanba is cleaning her apartment when her tracking
powers sense someone approach. "Oh, someone's coming!" she gasps, then
walks to the door, opening it. "Welcome home, Dear!" she beams...

...then sees Lum standing there in a tiger-striped kimono, a large
bag in her hand. "You've Vosian. You sensed me coming before I had a
chance to get to the door."

"Lum-san? What are you doing here?"

"It's a surprise," she enters the apartment, placing the bag on the
kotatsu. She then extracts from it a woman's kimono composed of blue,
pink and purple shading, a cherry blossom pattern sewn on it.

"What's this?!" the Vosian wonders.

"It's a kimono," Lum explains. "People here wear them for special
occasions."

"So?!"

"You need to wear one for tonight."

"What's the special occasion?"

"I'll explain after I get you ready."

* * *

An hour later finds Onsen and Ataru proceeding back to the
former's apartment. The now embarrassed vice-principal is dressed like
Ataru, his former student carrying his work clothes in a bag. "I feel as if I
should be in a samurai drama!" Onsen mutters.

"You look fine! Let's get going!"

As they make their way to the apartment, Onsen continues to
grumble. Ataru ignores him, knowing well that the vice-principal could get
really mad when he wanted to be. Finally, they arrive at the apartment
building and make their way to Onsen's apartment. "I still don't know why I
have to go home wearing **this** outfit!!" he sighs.

"You'll find out," Ataru whistles as Onsen opens the door...

...to reveal Ayanba dressed in the kimono Lum obtained, her hair
traditionally styled. With red lipstick and blush, she looks even more
beautiful to him. "Welcome home," the Vosian intones, not knowing
whether to feel comfortable or embarrassed.

"Oh, Sensei, Darling!" Lum smiles. "You're right on time. I just
finished getting Ayanba-chan ready."

Ataru drags Onsen into the room. "She looks perfect. Let's get this
over with."

Minutes later, Onsen and Ayanba sit on one side of the apartment
with Ataru and Lum on the other, now gazing sternly at them. "Wh-what's
th-this all about?" the vice-principal stammers, sweating at the gaze the high
school students are projecting at them.

"They both look fine together," Ataru then turns to Lum. "Mark
Onsen is a great provider and most competent in his job as a vice-principal
and part-time teacher at a local high school."

"*Tcha!*" Lum nods. "Ayanba has lived an isolated existence after
being born from an impoverished family with many children. Still, she has
firm hips which will allow her to bear many children. Further, she possesses
an inner strength which will aid her in raising children to their fullest
potential."

*What are they talking about?!!* Onsen wonders to himself before
rising. "What is this?!! You two act like this is an omiai!!"

"It IS an omiai!" Ataru acknowledges.

Onsen faints! "It is?!!"

"What's an omiai?" Ayanba inquires.

"It's a formal meeting to arrange a marriage between two people,"
Lum explains.

"Arrange a marriage?!" the Vosian blinks. "But, isn't recognition
enough?!"

"Not exactly," Ataru sighs. "For a couple to get past the
transformation time on Earth, they must first obtain approval from their
parents or guardians."

"Who says **you're** our parents?!" Onsen angrily demands.

"Aren't your parents both dead now?"

"Well...my dad died a few months ago and my mom about ten
years ago," he hums.

"And Ayanba's parents died two millennia ago," Lum adds. "So,
it's up to us to act as surrogate parents. I'll act on Ayanba's behalf because I
found her."

"And I'm acting on your behalf because no one else will," Ataru
points to himself.

"This is getting sillier as we go on!" Onsen groans.

As time passes, Ataru and Lum discuss the couple's strengths and
weaknesses. The vice-principal ponders on whether to kill the two or feel
grateful for their influence. Ayanba, finds the matter a joke as demonstrated
by the bemused smile on her face. Finally, Ataru and Lum make their
decision. "We decide that Mark Onsen and Ayanba are to be allowed to
marry," the former announces, then bows.

"I second the motion," the latter duplicates her boyfriend's actions.

Onsen finds himself swamped by a joyous Ayanba. "We've got
permission, Dear!!!" she embraces him. "Isn't that wonderful?!!"

"I've my doubts about the impartiality of the judges!" Onsen sighs.

Hearing that causes tears to well. "You mean...you don't want to
marry me?" she sobs.

*Oh, shit! I've made her upset!!* Onsen mentally kicks himself.
"It's not that I don't like you, Ayanba, but this is just kind of sudden!" he
nervously announces.

The Vosian does not look convinced. "I mean," he continues,
"...you're still a teenager and I'm middle-aged! By the time you're my age,
I'll be..."

"Long since dead and in Nirvana!!!" Cherry pops out of nowhere to
complete the statement, then disappears just as quickly!

"What was that?!" Ayanba gasps.

"Don't ask," Ataru moans. "You really don't wanna know!"

Ayanba then grabs Onsen's hand, holding it to her heart. "But, I
still recognized you!! Age doesn't matter! Why do you keep avoiding
this?!" she sobs.

"He's a coward!!" Ataru points a finger at the vice-principal. "He's
afraid that his life will change if he marries you!"

"What?!!" Onsen bolts to his feet. "If I'M a coward, what are
YOU?!?! You've had Lum practically crawling all over you for the last two
years and more and YOU haven't gone to the wedding chapel yet, either!!"

"That's different!" Ataru dismisses the comment with a wave. "I'm
holding out until NO ONE can interfere in our relationship!! You're one of
the last hold-outs!"

"Oh, I am, am I?!" Onsen snarls. "Well, I can fix that!!" He then
takes Ayanba's hands in his and gazes into her eyes. "Ayanba-chan, let's do
it! Right now!!"

"You mean it?!" she gasps, surprised.

"Of course!! NO ONE gets away with calling ME a coward!!"

"I agree!" Ayanba beams, hugging him.

<<Did we kind of OVERDO it?!>> Lum psi-links to Ataru.

<<I think we did,>> Ataru gulps. <<I better call Chie or Sakura
for an emergency wedding ceremony!>>

* * *

Around midnight at Sakura's shrine, the Shinto priestess finishes
presiding over the wedding. Ataru and Lum act as witnesses. "I now
pronounce you husband and wife," Sakura stifles a yawn. "You may kiss
the bride!"

The couple kiss. Ataru and Lum break out in applause. "If that's
all," the sleepy Sakura turns to her bedroom, "...I'd like to go to bed. Don't
slam the door when you go."

Ataru and Lum come up to the newlyweds. "So you did it," she
beams. "Congratulations! May you have many happy times together."

"Thanks, Lum-san," Ayanba bows.

"So, where would you want to go for a honeymoon?" Ataru
inquires. "I'd just have to call my grandmother and she could send you
anywhere on the planet."

"I haven't decided," Onsen nervously scratches the back of his
head. "Maybe Niagara Falls would be nice..."

"Niagara Falls it is!!" Ataru whistles...

...and two Kuromoroboshi appear out of nowhere. "You whistled,
Young Master?"

"Take them to Niagara Falls, ASAP!"

"At once!!" the ninjas reply, then in the blink of an eye, Onsen and
Ayanba disappear!

"Darling," Lum questioningly gazes at her boyfriend. "Why don't
we get married now?"

"Well," he stammers. "I don't want to rush into marriage TOO fast,
you know!"

"It's been nearly three years since we met," she reminds him.

"I know. But the writers don't want us to get married. They still
have a dozen more stories to do before they'll allow us to!"

"Don't remind me!" she sighs, turning to fly back to the Moroboshi
home.

Ataru stops her. "But that doesn't mean we can't DO something in
the meantime," he grins, lustfully gazing into her eyes.

"That's right," she blushes as they depart the shrine hand-in-hand...

*** The End ***