Utena, Revolutionary Girl Fan Fiction ❯ Kagayaku Means to Shine ❯ Kaeru: To Return ( Chapter 3 )

Chapter Three

Written: 13 June 2005

Re-written: 08 August 2006

 

 

"M-mother?" Anshii stuttered, her eyes wide, "But..." Her hand fell away from Utena's face as the pink-haired girl sat up in her bed, looking up at her imploringly.

 

"Yes. They will call me Papa and you Mama, and that will be how it is. Do you...do you not want that?"

 

Anshii turned her head and looked down, her hair obscuring her face from view as her whole slim body began to shudder with silent tears.

 

"It's . . . not that. It's . . . Utena, I don't even remember my own mother. I don't know how to be a mother, what if I'm horrible at it?"

 

Utena reached up and gently tugged Anshii's hands away from her face, kissing away the tears from her cheeks and eyelids.

 

"It's alright, Anshii. Nobody ever knows what they're doing when they first become a parent. All you have to do is love these children, and you'll be fine. That's what my mother told me about being a parent, when I was little."

 

Fresh tears spilled down Anshii's cheeks.

 

"I do love them. They aren't mine, but I loved them from the first moment that I saw that you were pregnant. I do want this, I want to be one of their mothers!"

 

Utena shook her head lightly, smiling, and hugged Anshii tightly.

 

"Not just one mother, Anshii. Their only mother, the 'kaasan that they come running to when they've scraped a knee, or got a 99 on a test, or when that boy on the playground is teasing them, and then later when they join clubs and go on their first dates, graduate, get married . . . everything. This is forever, Anshii. Children are forever." A look of wonder passed over her face, almost as if she herself was only just beginning to realize the enormity of this change. She looked suddenly timid, "Do you want that? Forever with them, and with me?"

 

The dark-skinned girl nodded, smiling brilliantly through her tears.

 

"Yes, I want that. With you, with them. Eternity sounds perfect." Suddenly Utena burst out laughing, and Anshii blinked at her, confused. "Utena?"

 

Utena shook her head a little, pink locks flying this way and that, "I'm sorry, Anshii. I was just thinking...you and I are hardly more than children ourselves, despite everything, and we're talking about eternity. We'll barely be out of high school before they start elementary school." Anshii thought about that for a moment, then nodded, giggling softly herself.

 

"I think you're right, Utena. It is rather funny. But no matter what the numbers say, you and I are hardly children. Children could not have survived what we did, I think."

 

Utena smiled.

 

"You're right."

 

 

Later that night, they lay in two pushed-together hospital beds, side by side, and held hands. Neither one of them spoke for a very long time, simply reveling in a sensation that neither of them thought they'd ever feel again, that of their fingers entwined in the darkness and silence of near-sleep. This was the very first time since...well, since the last time, that last night in Akio's tower in their strange, end-to-end beds, holding hands and staring into each other's eyes until they slept.

 

Sometimes, it amazed both of them that they hadn't been lovers back then too. And then they remembered Akio and his machinations, and knew why they hadn't been. It boggled the mind, how many bad things one man could be responsible for, when he had absolute power.

 

"Utena...?" came Anshii's quiet voice, after a long period of contemplation.

 

"Mmm?" Utena replied, sounding faintly drowsy.

 

"Utena, did you ever get that power? The power of Dios?" The fingers holding hers tightened briefly, and Anshii turned her head to look at Utena, who was looking back at her. Pink bangs spilled forward to partially conceal those limpid blue eyes, and the smile on her face was gentle.

 

"Yes."

 

Somehow, Anshii wasn't surprised. She hadn't stayed long, after Utena's disappearance, but even then she'd seen things beginning to change, seen chains unraveling from around her brother's captive duelists. A songbird and a wild child walking side by side in peace, a panther sparring with a butterfly, no pain on either face. Genuine friendship growing where there had once been hate with a pretty veneer.

 

"And you used it, didn't you?" Utena nodded a little, smiling again and turning her gaze back up to the ceiling.

 

"Yes. Only once, when I first got it, to release people." She purposely left out what had happened in the aftermath of the duel. It would take too long to explain. "Akio," Amazing how she could say the name without pain now, "Akio bound them, the duelists, to Ohtori with what he found in their minds and memories. He chained them with their weaknesses. I tried to do it carefully, to just bend a few links and set them free. But the power was so huge, so . . . it was filling me up, washing away who I was. It was like walking a tightrope in a windstorm over bubbling magma. There was no space for my own thoughts, just the power and trying to keep it under control. I didn't want to give up on myself, though, and so I couldn't control it properly. That's how I erased myself from Ohtori accidentally."

 

"But...I remember you. I remember everything. I never forgot." Anshii was confused.

 

"Because you are part of the same power, I wasn't able to affect you. I'm so glad you were able to break your chains on your own, though. I missed you." She lifted Anshii's hand and kissed the knuckles softly. "I missed you so much."

 

Anshii blushed faintly in the darkness. "I missed you too. I think that's what saved me. I missed you so much, and one day I thought...I have this power too, why don't I use it? So I did, and then I came after you. But...do you think the others will ever remember you?"

 

"They will, don't worry. When I used the power, though I didn't know it, I was still chained to Ohtori myself. The power of Dios isn't the power to change the whole entire world, it's the power to change the world of the person using it. At the time, Ohtori was my world, so my power only covered it. As soon as they leave the school, they'll remember."

 

"And now? You're not chained to that place anymore?"

 

"No. My world got so much wider so fast, it's amazing. I've left Ohtori behind, grown out of it. I've seen new places, met new people. I have a new family now, you and the twins, and friends also. Hmm . . . speaking of friends. What happened to Chu-chu?"

 

Anshii blinked, startled. It had been a long time since she'd thought of her old friend. "He's gone, actually. When I left Ohtori, he vanished. I think it was because I didn't need him anymore." Utena nodded quietly. She hadn't known then, but now she knew that the sweet little monkey, rather than being a real animal, was like a small . . . for lack of a better term, a small bubble of Anshii's power, into which she had instilled most of her true, positive feelings. It was just another one of the many things that the power of Dios had revealed to her.

 

"You know..." mused Anshii softly, and Utena glanced at the dark-skinned girl from the corner of her eye, tracing the half-seen lines of her face in the gloom.

 

"What?"

 

"I think that when I was in Ohtori, when I had Chu-chu to embody my emotions -- I don't think that I could have loved you as well, if we had stayed there. I was too . . . too blank, I suppose." Utena nodded quietly, understanding. The embrace of their hands tightened, and they slept.

 

 

Three days saw them returning to the apartment. Anshii carried both babies in a large bassinet intended for twins, and Utena followed her, complaining that she wasn't allowed to do anything. Anshii ignored her.

 

"I at least want to carry them! I'm not totally helpless, you know!" Anshii slipped the key into the lock and opened the apartment again, leading the way inside.

 

"I know that, Utena. But the doctor said that the chances of excessive bleeding are increased with the amount of physical labour you do, and after having twins you're already bleeding more than is normal. Come on, lay down and I'll give the twins to you. I think they're about ready for their dinner, anyway." The younger twin, identified only by the kanji that Anshii had sewn onto her little knit cap, started fussing and waving her tiny fists around blindly. Anshii reached down to soothe her, but she'd already hit her twin in the head, and shortly both infants were wide awake and fussing.

 

Utena chuckled softly as she lay down on the bed, relaxing back into the piles of pillows in front of the headboard. Anshii sighed affectionately and hung the bassinet from its stand, gently lifting the twins out one at a time, cooing to each of them. She cuddled the infant they were calling Nishiko to her chest, talking softly to her, as she waited for Utena to unbutton her shirt and open the clasps on the nursing bra. She started to hand the baby off, but stopped and frowned.

 

"Utena? What's wrong?" Blue eyes tilted up to meet hers, and the expression in them was almost hopeless.

 

"I hate this, Anshii. I love them, but I hate this." She gestured vaguely to her body.

 

"What? What is it that you hate?" Anshii gently set Nishiko back in the bassinet, glad that the twins had mostly stopped fussing. She sat on the bed and wrapped one arm around her love, who looked about ready to break down into tears.

 

"Look at me! I'm fat, and I'm sore and these-" she gestured at her breasts, "They got bigger. I can't wear my normal clothes or my normal bras, and it's like I'm on an extended period. I'm miserable!" She leaned into Anshii and sighed, "I wish it would all stop." Anshii wrapped her arms around Utena and stroked her hair slowly, unsure of what to say. They were quiet for a few moments before Utena lifted her face again, and this time a small smile crept across her features.

 

"But . . . really, I love the twins with everything in me. I know I complain about all of this, and about being forced to rest even more, but I love them, and I love you. I'll try to remember that when I get upset that my stomach muscles have vanished and that I can't pass for a boy when I wear a sports bra anymore." Anshii couldn't help it, she started giggling. She pressed one hand to her mouth, her eyes dancing with amusement.

 

"Utena, you are so silly sometimes! As long as you promise to rest properly for the next week or two, I think it should be safe for you to exercise, and then I'm sure that you'll have your muscles back shortly. As for your breasts . . . well, I like them, but I seem to recall that they might shrink again, after the babies are weaned." Utena blushed and couldn't help but giggle as well, relaxing into Anshii's embrace comfortably.

 

"Only two weeks? The doctor said three or more, didn't he?"

 

Anshii tweaked her nose playfully.

 

"Don't be even more silly. You know as well as I do that the power of Dios speeds up your healing. Really, I'll be surprised if it even takes an entire week for you to be up to exercising again." They both laughed, then spent a little while longer just relaxing with each other, soaking up the closeness just like they had done with every other moment of contact in the last few days. They had a long time to make up for.

 

But soon enough, the spell was broken by the increasingly loud noises made by a hungry newborn, and they separated once more. Utena unclasped her bra, and Anshii lifted Nishiko from the bassinet once more, carrying her over to where her 'father' lay, and handing her over after a quick kiss on the forehead. The baby set to nursing happily, her little fists clenched and her mouth working busily. Utena supported the infant carefully in her arms, and watched her nursing with an undisguised expression of adoration, stroking one silky cheek with a fingertip.

 

Anshii spared a moment to watch the two of them before going to get the older Nishiki. Not wishing to favour one baby over the other, she cradled the other little girl in her arms, rocking her back and forth soothingly and talking quietly to her. It was only a few moments until Nishiko was done nursing, and then they switched babies, Nishiko being held and talked to while Nishiki nursed with equal gusto.

 

It didn't take long for the twins to get sleepy after eating, so they placed the children back in the bassinet and covered them up. Anshii slowly pushed it, singing to them while Utena watched fondly, until all that came from the bassinet were tiny infant breaths. Anshii then returned to her prince's side and sat beside her.

 

It was a sort of unspoken agreement that they would be together from now on. What was neither spoken nor unspoken were the exact living arrangements. They adjourned to the living room once the twins were asleep, after turning on the baby monitors, and Utena demonstrated her new domestic skills by preparing them a light dinner. Anshii smiled and praised her efforts, and they sat down to eat. They ate in silence for several minutes, until Anshii brought it up.

 

"Ne, Utena . . . how much do you really like this apartment?" Her tone was casual, as if the answer really didn't concern her very much.

 

Utena shrugged, answering between bites of her salad. "I don't know. It's a roof, right? And it's pretty nice, I guess. Why?"

 

Anshii shifted uncomfortably, toying with her fork slightly, "Well, because I was wondering if you would like to move into a house instead. I know you aren't poor or anything like that, but I have . . . well, I live comfortably. I only just arrived in America so I don't have a place to stay yet but I was thinking of buying a home near here and--" She was babbling by then, talking just a bit too fast, but a look from Utena cut her off, and she blushed. "Um, I mean that is if you want to. If you like it here, I would be glad to stay here . . . "

 

Utena set down her fork and looked thoughtful for a moment, while Anshii squirmed a little in her seat. After a moment, she frowned. "Hmm . . . does it have to be around here? Could we move to a different area?" Anshii blinked, then gave a soft laugh and resumed eating.

 

"Of course, Utena. We can move anywhere that you want to."

 

"How about back to Japan?"

 

END CH. 3