Utena, Revolutionary Girl Fan Fiction ❯ The Darker Shades of Green ❯ Shadows of Sorrow ( Chapter 4 )

A/N: Here’s another chapter of The Darker Shades of Green. Sorry about the wait, there is so much emotion put into this that the chapters are hard to write. I plan on writing another story as well. Be sure to check out Oneesan no Miroku Houshi’s stuff, and Hinoto Nobukaze. They are great authors.

Anyway, back to business.

The Darker Shades of Green

Chapter 4: Shadows of Sorrow

By: Red Rose Touga

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Mother.

I had often seen pictures of her, but I could never remember her. What was she like?

I was told that she had died as soon as I was born. Perhaps that’s why my father hates me…Because I murdered my own mother when I was created and brought into the world. Perhaps that’s why he pushed me so hard, figuring that I owed all I was worth to become something great for my mother.

Well, how does he like me now?

Look what he’s done to me! He’s made me into this…This pit of hell…

What if mother was alive? Would he have treated me the same way? Or perhaps they’d both treat me that way?

I wonder if up in heaven, or hell, whichever she went…If she would be able to see me would she be pleased with me? With my father? Does she love me? Or did she think that I killed her?

Did father have reasons for what he had done?

I stand at this place, this lone graveyard. I haven’t seen her in years. I knelt down and placed a delicate green rose across the patch of grass in front of her tombstone. There were several memorials there; she must have been a well-respected woman.

There were two pictures, one of a woman with wavy green hair, and a man with long black hair, standing side by side; smiling. Since the woman’s eyes were closed, you couldn’t see the color of them, but the man had dazzling amethyst eyes that shone in the sun. My eyes are his eyes.

The next picture was a woman lying in a bed holding a child, the woman looked very pale and sickly, but she held a happy smile as she held her child, who was sleeping soundly at her breast.

Her eyes were shown, but they were of a lighter color a lavender color. The color that my eyes at times could show.

That was what my mother had looked like…

She looked so proud of me…

So, perhaps she did love me, the few days she was alive…

I’ve never been told when she had died…

I wonder if she smiled down on me, or looked upon me with contempt.

I don’t think I could ever get the courage to ask my father about it. I don’t even like going to his house, when I’m due for a visit.

I closed my eyes and wore a look of misery on my face…

I wished she was alive, but that cannot be obtained. There is never a day in my mind when I don’t regret knowing her. I forever lose, not only in the duels, but in life itself. There are the things that no one ever knows. The hidden truth behind Kyouichi Saionji.

Perhaps all of this anger results from being shown nothing but contempt my earlier years. Is this why I’m so sensitive, because I’ve been hurt so much throughout my life?

I’m always being blamed for something, right?

The reason I lose duels, the treatment of the Rose Bride…

All my fault.

Or is it really?

Is it truly my fault that people often act too rashly to know the true nature of the situation? That they don’t know the truth behind everything, nor do they want to believe it?

This was Tenjou Utena’s mistake. The mistake she made by getting herself engaged so wrongly into the duels. She had no comprehension of what was in store for her.

I close my eyes.

I am in the darkness yet again, falling into that never ending pit.

Cold and alone.

I open them to orange and red light, the light that burns into my sadness. The light which burns my soul. The light that reminds me of my eternal resting place…

That girl that Touga and I found in the chapel, she was sad over the loss of her parents, but I had lost too…

Perhaps she had the right idea, I should have lain in that coffin with her, but that would’ve been too forward to me. I don’t know what I was thinking when I wanted to show her something eternal.

I couldn’t get her parents back. I couldn’t even get my own back, and yet I thought I could be someone.

That’s all I wanted…

Was to show someone I’m worth something…

But I had failed.

I always fail.

I fell to my knees in front of her grave, and pulled something out of my shirt. I placed it by the grave and sat a rock a top of it.

It was a poem, one in which I had saved.

It read:

Though it’s been years now

Since you were taken away

The memories are still strong

And I wish you were here with me today

I remember all of the good times

With you there was so much to gain

But now there’s so much emptiness

And ever so much pain

I can’t see or touch you

So I know that your not there

But I’ve still got the past and in my heart

You are still near.

I used to wake in the night

Calling and crying your name

It was hard to realize

That you’re gone and things will never be the same.

Sometimes I talk to you

Though you probably do not hear.

I must need to talk to someone, because of my hurt and fear.

Wonder if you can see me now,

If so,

I hope you’re proud of all that I have accomplished

But that chance is not allowed.

If I could see you once again

Do you know what I would do?

I’d release all of those emotions and say –

I love you.

The poem lay there on her grave, and perhaps she could read it in her spirit form, and know my love for her still remains. Even as I walk away, I leave a piece of myself with her, and hope that I could be all I wanted to be even if she isn’t with me; maybe she pushed me to drive onward.

For her at least, I could be the best.

TBC

Preview for chapter 5:

I think that I shall never see
a billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.

A/N: Just some light angst mixed with love here. I thank my friend Jessica for use of one of her poems in this fanfic. I also kind of dedicate this chapter to her, and anyone else who’s lost a family member.

My heart goes out to you.

Please RR!