Utena, Revolutionary Girl Fan Fiction ❯ The Garden Where All Love Ends... ❯ Chapter 1

Title: The Garden Where All Love Ends

Series: Revolutionary Girl Utena

Category: CRAAAAAZY.

Rating: NC-17 (I'll put this because there is sex, regardless of how poorly written)

Pairings: Utena/Mikage (in a way); Mikage/Tokiko; Mamiya/Mikage (Anthy/Mikage); mainly Akio/Mikage.

Warnings: Implications of consensual homosexual sex. Non-graphic depiction of non-consensual sex. Very lightly implied shota-con, so light that I think I failed completely... Also, a hell of a lot of confusing talk and unbearable nancing.

Spoilers: Through the Kurobara Saga, after that, it's total speculation.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this, and I'm sure I'm waaaay off about the ending, but… I don't care.

Author's Notes: I've been mucking with this story for a bit. For notes on all of the poems/songs/sound bites used, see the endnotes. This story is for Jennifer, for sharing the love of the same unusual pairing.



Conversation One:

Mother's Answering Machine: Hello. Nobody's home. Leave a message after the beep and somebody will get back to you.

Daughter: I thought you should know… Daddy died today… He closed his eyes, and he left here at 12:03… He sends his love… He wanted you to know he isn't holding a grudge, and if you are, you should let go… Are you there? …Mom? …Pick up… Pick up, please. …Mom? (Where are you?) Hello?

(please begin)



"This is a holy land, a sacred place… This room leads to the ends of the world…"

"…I knew since the first time I saw you… You met the person important to you long ago, right? And so, that person changed your life forever, right? You're standing here on the strength of that illusion…"

"Your eyes are like those people who can't help wanting to make memories last forever…"

"But I wonder if the flowers themselves are happy; being forced to last so long…"

"The period where you hid the possibility in your heart, not growing up, was useful."

Kotaba tanjou deai soshite mayoi

Chisika tanjou deai soshite uitsuro

Aa, doko yo koko wa itsu yo watashi

Jumon, majinai, shipi, inori, watashi

Butai, unmei majutsu kagami

Mangetsu, nazo no hengenjizai

Watashi hatenaru kuusou seimeitai…

Words are born, the encounter, then, a hesitation

Knowledge is born, the encounter, then, a void

Oh, where am I, when am I

Spell, incantation, mystery, prayer, myself

Stage, destiny, magic, mirror

Full moon, mysterious and transmutable

I am an imaginary living body come to its end…



She fell to her knees in shock. Rose petals brushed her cheek like a lover's caress as the fluttered away.

She watched them swirl upwards, towards the castle, before they were ripped down by gravity. Before they tumbled from the edge of the Dueling Arena to crumple on the stones below…

She watched with detached fascination as the petals experienced their final, dying fall.

And so, her face was turned upwards as the first stone fell…



She stumbled down the blood-red corridor, following the path blazed in gold. On these dark walls shone golden lettering, which ran just above her head, the full length of the corridor.

\\Because I do not hope to turn again

Because I do not hope

Because I do not hope to turn

Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope

(Why should the aged eagle stretch its wings?)

Why should I mourn…\\

The last line was painted in gold upon the door at the far end of the hall.

\\The vanished power of the usual reign?\\

The door was black.

The doorknob was a pink Rose Signet.

She opened the door…



…And stopped dead.

"What are you doing here?!" She cried, surprised.

He looked up, startled. The blooming rose he had been holding slid, discarded and forgotten, to the black marble floor. No one else had come… No one had been in this room since… Since… Before.

"Lily…" He whispered.

He was wearing white, which, for some reason, surprised her. She could see his dark blue jacket lying balled in the corner, as if flung. It was torn. There was blood on it. Only then did she realize what he'd called her.

"What?" She paused there, with her head and upper torso within the room, her legs still in the shadows of the hall beyond. Her hand was on the knob. On her finger gleamed her Rose Signet.

He lifted his own hand, magenta eyes nearly crossing as he stared at the ornate rose. "…Then you have done it… You have succeeded where so many of us have failed…"

"Where are we?" She asked, entering the room.

"DON'T SHUT THE DOOR!!" He cried, lunging towards it.

Numbly, she stuck her foot out and caught it.

"Don't ever close a door in this place! You never know how much time will pass before it opens again!"

"But… Where are we?"

"…We are in the Garden."

"Garden?"

"Yes."

"Whose garden?"

"The Garden of… Them." He said absently, running a hand through his hair. He glanced at his jacket, and frowned. Shaking his head, he turned back to face her. "Come on…" He said, reaching for the knob.

"Where are we going? And who are They?"

"They made this place. She is this place. He creates it, still. His creation never stops. It is becoming."

"You're not making any sense."

"Come on, Sempai." He said, smiling up at her slightly. "You're going to be late."



Conversation Two:

Father: What is it, Annie?

Daughter: You think I'll cry? I won't cry. My heart will break before I cry --- I will go mad…

(deeper, go deeper)



She followed him down the hallway, nearly running to keep up with him. "Where are you going? And what's going on?" With a cry of exasperation, she grabbed him by the arm and slammed his back against the wall. Pinning him there with one hand on his shoulder, she stared at him intently. "What are you up to?!"

His eyes clouded slightly, and his lips trembled into a pout. "I'm not up to anything. I told you. I didn't make this place. I can only navigate it now. …I'm supposed to… My purpose…" He ran his free hand through his hair, wincing a little as his Rose Signet tangled for a second. "I am supposed to lead you to them. You cannot reach her unless you pass him. You aren't ready."

"Are you talking about Himemiya?!"

"You are easily excitable…" He remarked as her voice rose again.

"Where is Himemiya?!" She cried, slamming him against the wall again.

"Do you always use violence to get your way?"

Again, she shoved him, hard enough to crack his head on the wall. "Where is she?!"

"Don't you understand, you stupid girl?! She isn't here! None of us are; we never were!!" He cried.

Abruptly, she released him. "You're crazy."

He laughed at that, a sharp, brittle sound that instinctively made her take a step back. "Come on, Sempai… I have to show you… How it was."

"What do you mean how it was? I've already been down here. There's nothing down here…" The words died on her lips as she realized these walls were a dark mauve colour, and no longer red at all. The gold script remained, but the words themselves had changed.

\\If the lost word is lost, if the spent word is spent

If unheard, unspoken

Word is unspoken, unheard;

Still is the unspoken word, the Word unheard,

The Word without a word, the Word within

The world and for the world;

And the light shoe in the darkness and

Against the Word the unstilled world still whirled

About the centre of the silent Word.\\

"What do these words mean?" She asked, pointing to them.

He followed her motion, and frowned up at the words. "They are markers. They tell us where we are in the Garden."

"How do they do that?"

"They tell a story. My story. Yours and mine, because I am the Alpha, and you, the Omega."

"What do you mean?"

"I told you once, and you hit me for it. This time, I'll show you. It is in my power to show you."

He opened the door, with its red Rose Signet. "The pink doors are for you. The red, for me. And the black… Come on, Sempai. We mustn't wait."

This door was also black. It read:

\\O my people, what have I done unto thee.\\

When she did not follow, he turned and caught her wrist, and tugged her lightly into the room.



It was a large white room. In the centre of the room, it appeared to be a bedroom, minus the walls. All around this strange set were mirrors.

"What's going---"

"Shh…" He held up his hand, so close that his Rose Signet brushed her lips. "Watch. …You can go closer. They can't see you."

She crept closer to the tiny 'room'. He stayed in the doorway, face impassive, using his thigh to prop the door open.

A boy was sitting in the floor beside the bed. He was systematically pulling the petals off of a red rose. His soft hair was ragged and untrimmed. It was also a shocking shade of pink.

"This is you!" She cried.

"It was. But now, he is a memory. But not mine. This place is not my memory. It belongs to Him."

"Who?"

The boy threw the rose towards the mirror. 'I hate you all…' He murmured. 'You deserved to die. I hate you!' He cried, before wrapping his arms around himself and crawling under the bed.

She dropped down to look at the boy. He was crying, and his face was completely hidden in shadows.

'What's the point in living?' He whispered fiercely. 'What's the point in living if the only point is to die?!'

'Because some people do more than just die.' A voice assured him. Crisp white pants appeared on the other side of the bed. Dark hands slipped under the bed, and closed lightly over the white flesh not covered by the boy's shorts. 'Now come out, my dear.'

'No. I hate you. Why don't all people just die?'

'Because, dearest… Some people are able to grasp that which is eternal.'

'Nothing is eternal. For something to last forever, it would have to live all the way at…'

'The end of the world.' The man said, and he pulled the boy, unresisting, into his lap…



"Why did you show me that?" She demanded, stalking after him.

"It was not mine to show."

"But that was your memory. That was you!!"

Abruptly, he whirled, and she skidded into him. "That was the boy I was once, yes. But it was not my memory. It was his."

"Then where is this 'he'?!"

"He is at the top of the Garden. There are several more floors. You need to understand first. She would have you understand before you face him. She would have you know."

This hall was dark blue. She did not stop to read the walls as they entered a room. It was white and empty, with an open door on the far end.

"Wait here. Don't come in until I reach the other door." He ordered, and walked briskly over to the other door. When he reached it, he motioned her ahead. As soon as she left the far doorway, the door behind her slammed shut, and the one she stood in attempted to follow suit before he forced it back open.



Conversation Three:

Mother's Answering Machine: Hello. Nobody's home. Leave a message after the beep and somebody will get back to you.

Daughter: Mom? You there? …Are you sleeping? …I'm so bummed… I'm just going to sing a little song and maybe… maybe you'll pick up. …Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart…Of its constant hunger… For whatever it is it wants… Sometimes I'm terrified… Of my heart… The way it stops… …And starts.

(deeper, go deeper)



In this hall, of pale green, they slowed again, and she got a chance to read the golden script once more.

\\And God said

Shall these bones live? shall these

Bones live? And that which had been contained

In the bones (which were already dry) said chirping:

Because of the goodness of this Lady

And because of her loveliness, and because

She honours the Virgin in meditation,

We shine with brightness. And I who am here dissembled

Proffer my deeds to oblivion, and my love

To the posterity of the desert and the fruit of the gourd.

It is this which recovers

The Lady is withdrawn

In a white gown, to contemplation, in a white gown.

Let the whiteness of bones atone to forgetfulness.

There is no life in them.\\

He stopped at the black door, a sad look upon his narrow face. Softly, he whispered the passage engraved upon this door before opening it.

\\As I am forgotten

And would be forgotten, so I would forget\\

He ushered her inside again. This room was an office, but still framed with the same mirrors instead of walls. At the desk sat a young man with shoulder-length pink hair, obviously the same boy as before, grown up too fast. He was sipping too-hot tea from a chipped porcelain mug. She set her own cup on the corner of the desk. There was a dark lipstick stain on the white rim.

There was no sound in this memory. Only her face. He lips. He hands. They were the only sharp points, in a blurry background. Her eyes were like knives against the undefined auburn mass of her hair.

"This is your memory." She said, looking over her shoulder at him.

"…yes."

"So that's you as well?"

He did not answer her. He was watching the woman. As he did, the room slowly came into focus, and she was witness to the strange sight of both the boy in the door and the man at the desk stare at this woman with undisguised regard.

"You loved her." She whispered.

"He did."

"Is he you, or isn't he?!"

"Both, and neither."

She did not reply, because the woman was standing up and moving towards the door. And only then did she speak.

'But those who look at you are lonely…'

She walked right through him as he stood frozen in the doorway. She realized the woman had made no reflection in the glass. In the doorway, he was touching his fingers to his lips. At his desk, the young man with the glasses reached out to touch the lipstick ring on the mug. And he smiled.

Pink hair slithered over her shoulder as she turned to look at him. "And why did you show me this? This was your memory to give."

"…I loved her. The man I was… The one at the desk… He loved her. But then…"

The room swirled briefly, and changed. She saw herself standing beside him in the greenhouse. His hand was on hers, and he was smiling. And she shoved him away. He stared at her, hurt. And then he left.

As he left, the path turned into the one that ran around the greenhouse. And into the hall. He was heading towards the observatory, she realized.

And there was the woman. She was coming out of the elevator, just as he reached it. She was much older, lines around her mouth and eyes, and streaks of sliver in her auburn hair. She opened her mouth, and her hand lifted to her breast, seemingly of it's own accord.

He passed her by without slowing down.

"…I am not that man any longer."

"Why?"

"Because he wasn't real."

"You keep saying that, but what does it mean?"

"I am imaginary. I am… I was eternal. She aged. We did not. We were not… Ghosts. Computer man, and a ghost. Come on. We've got to keep moving. There isn't much time."



Conversation Four:

Father: What is your greatest worry because you seem to be worried all of the time?

Daughter: …Sometimes I can't hear---

Father: (cutting her off) You'll have to speak a little louder I can't understand a word you're saying.

Daughter: Sometimes I can't hear myself think.

Daughter: YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!

(deeper, go deeper)



This hall was very short and narrow. Its walls had a metallic colour to them, and the script was very small and cramped.

\\Under a juniper-tree the bones sang, scattered and shining

We are glad to be scattered, we did little good to each other

Under a tree in the cool of the day, with the blessing of sand,

Forgetting themselves and each other, united

In the quiet of the desert. This is the land which ye

Shall divide by lot. And neither division not unity

Matters. This is the land. We have our inheritance.\\

The door was still black, and it's rose red. But this red rose was much darker than the other roses he had turned thus far. It was the colour of old blood. These lines of script stood out harshly in the metallic gloom.

\\And after this, our exile.\\

He assumed his customary place in the doorway. Carefully, she made her way into this room. It was dark, unlike all of the others before it. The room appeared to be a basement of some kind, and the mirrors only made up one wall this time. The rest of the room was black, empty space, save for the box.

It was a simple contraction, almost like a fish tank, though it gave off an unearthly blue glow. Here he was, looking much more like the boy she remembered, dressed in his blue uniform. His face was drawn into a scowl, and he leaned heavily on the side of the tank.

Within it bloomed a single rose.

Sighing, the scowling boy reached out to brush his fingers across the petals of the black rose. '…He was too good for us…' He murmured. 'How is it possible that one should come who was not prepared?…' He cupped his face in the palm of his hand, tangling his fingers in his hair. '…If this is the way, and they are the elite… Then how could one who was not ready come here? How could he find the path?'

After a moment, he dropped his hand from the flower, and spoke again in a slightly different tone of voice. 'It was a test. To see what I would do. Maybe he is testing me to see… Was I right to turn him away?…' The fingers clenched back in his hair, and the uncertain tone returned. 'What does it matter if he is good of heart or not? None of the others were evil… But their motivations were selfish ones… Is that why they failed? …Then why was I forced to turn away he who was motivated by love?'

He grew very still before dragging his hand down to examine the Rose Signet. 'Is it because… He deserved a true Signet? …Are these boys of the Black Rose merely puppets for ransom…?'

She frowned at this monologue, and then gasped. The rose in the tank was slowly turning back to red! Already, it's petals were a shade lighter than violet…

'Sempai…'

She whirled with him at the sound of the new voice. There was a little boy there, dressed in a uniform that was not one of schooling. After a moment, she realized it was a masculine version of the gown Himemiya wore at the Dueling Arena! And this boy… He was young, no more than twelve, or perhaps fourteen at the most, though he appeared much younger than Tsuwabaki. But his face, his hair, his eyes! He looked just like…

"Himemiya…" She whispered, confused.

'What are you doing in here so late?' He asked, coming closer to the pink-haired boy.

'…Just doing some thinking…' He murmured.

'Wakaba-chan lost the duel, did she not?'

'You knew she would. Tenjou Utena would not harm her friend, but she would save her.'

'Yes, of course. Tenjou Utena…'

'…Mamiya…' He asked, inclining his head towards the boy. She felt her fist clench involuntarily. Puzzle pieces were beginning to fall into place now. She realized what had been going on during the final duel of the Black Rose… When he had spoken to the boy in the picture, it had been this boy he had seen in his mind…

'Sempai?'

She nearly shivered. There was something unnatural about this little boy. He was standing very close to him now, and he had turned to face him, leaning back against the tank.

'The boy. Tatsuya-kun. Why did we refuse him?'

'…He did not… Suit us. His criteria was not necessary to bring the world revolution.'

'But he was good. He was pure of heart, and unselfish. Isn't that why they are all failing us? Their hearts are too selfish?'

'What are you suggesting, Sempai?'

'…Why are we here? Why now? And who will take the final rose?'

He jaw dropped as the small boy leaned against the older one, and kissed him firmly on the mouth. The pink-haired boy did not move for a moment, then leaned down a little, and wrapped his arms around his waist. Sighing into the kiss, he closed his eyes. In its tank, the rose slowly darkened back to its original shade of black.

'…Mamiya…'

'Shh, Sempai… Do not worry. Eternity will be ours soon enough. You will see to that…'

'Yes. And you will live forever. As the Rose Bride…'

Mamiya's face was sweet and guileless as he smiled up at him. 'Yes. The Rose Bride. Forever.'

As the boys left the 'room', she felt her blood run cold. In the mirror, she could see two reflections. The reflection of the pink-haired boy was not the same figure as the one before her. Instead, he seemed to more closely resemble the boy in the door. But Mamiya… Mamiya was not the same at all.

He was Himemiya, in the gown of the Bride.



Conversation Five:

Father: This cannot be all that there is to life because in our confrontation with a cold cold universe there is something comical about the idea that we can really enforce our will on humanity. Power corrupts.

Daughter: What's happening?

Father: Power

Daughter: This is scaring me.

(a girl is heard singing far away) "I live at the end of a five and a half minute hallway"

Father: …and at the end of it all lies of course the final phenomenon of deterioration -entropy- which is a predictable deterioration when the creative energy ceases: everything has to fall apart.

Daughter: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO SERIOUS?

(deeper, go deeper)



They were moving again, more quickly this time, as though he wished to put as much distance between himself and the memory as possible. After several angry shouts, she finally lunged and caught a hold of his arm once more.

"Are you going to hurt me again?" He asked, warily.

"What the hell was that back there?!"

"That was my memory. But it was also Hers. That is why it was so clear. I remember few things so well…" He was talking to himself again, and his eyes slid to the floor.

"The boy you saw. The boy you fought for. He was Himemiya!"

"The Rose Bride." He said quietly. It was not a question.

Her eyes narrowed, and she shook him again. "And what was the point of it all?"

"There was no point. I see that now. Rather… There were intentions, though the intentions were not my own… He used me to prepare the path for you."

"Why?"

"Don't you understand it yet?"

"Why is he trying to stop me if he's the one who arranged all of this?!"

He laughed again, but it was more stable this time. "You silly girl. You are brave and beautiful, and yet, you have no mind. Perhaps you are just an innocent, even as you are the Lily…?"

"What are you saying?"

"He isn't trying to stop you, Sempai. He's trying to control you… He held me once… When it suits him, he holds me still… But you… You are out of his grasp. He would have you seize it if only to take it from you… He cannot do this alone…"

"…I think I get it."

"Good. Because we've nearly arrived." He pointed at the door up ahead, at the end of this pale hallway.

\\Where shall the word be found, where will the word

Resound? Not here, there is not enough silence

Not on the sea or an the islands, not

On the mainland, in the desert or the rain land,

For those who walk in darkness

Both in the day time and the night time

The right time and place are not here

No place of grace for those who avoid the face

No time to rejoice for those who walk among noise and deny the voice\\

He looked at her over his shoulder, almost sadly. His hair parted near the nape of his neck, and revealed a corner of pale, nearly white skin. For a moment, she could only stare at him, and she wondered again why he called her 'Lily', when he seemed much more fair than her. It occurred to her that for a male, he was nearly frail, more so than Miki or anyone else she had known. He seemed almost like a doll that had been given life by a faerie, in order to learn what conscience was.

She met his eyes then, and he smiled grimly. "Please do not hate me for this." And he opened the door, which read:

\\Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death

Pray for us now and at the hour of our death\\



This room had no mirrors. It was dark and familiar. She wandered in, still in awe of this room, as awed as she had been the first time she had seen it. The projector was running, and constellations danced across the domed ceiling.

He lingered as was his custom in the doorway. "…I had always loved this room…" He said softly.

She turned to him, as it seemed he would narrate this room, though he had not done so before.

"…After Nemuro… The man who drank tea with Tokiko… After the Chairman of the Academy gave to him a Rose Signet… He became different. After the fire… There was a fire, you know. That's what opened the Dueling Arena. One hundred boys were given Signets, and they died to open the door…"

"Miki told me that... One hundred students perished in a fire at the… Nemuro Memorial Hall." She recalled. "…I had forgotten…" Suddenly, her eyes were alight with recognition. "That's what you meant! He had you open the door to the Arena for him, because he isn't allowed to do it himself!"

He smiled then, and it made his sharp cheekbones rise even further. "You do learn."

"But what happened after? When did Nemuro become…" She struggled to remember his name, a little embarrassed when she failed.

"Mikage." He murmured, and pointed across the observatory to the couches that she and the brother and sister had shared many times. Now, the young man from before, who she now knew was called Nemuro, occupied her usual place.

He was shifting a little in his seat, as though unable to sit still. Finally, he settled for removing his glasses to clean them on the hem of his shirt.

'Tokiko is gone.' A voice said smoothly from the shadows. Otohori Akio glided out of the darkness to stand directly behind the young man. His white slacks were loose and his matching dress shirt was unfastened. He looked quite disheveled, and very pleased with himself.

'Yes. I knew she would not stay. She was not prepared to seek Eternity.'

'And her brother?' He let his hand fall lightly onto his shoulder.

'Mamiya? He is still here. He is waiting for me. We will live on, as we did before, once the Hall is rebuilt. …He would like to have his garden once more.'

'Yes. I, too, would once again have my garden.'

'…Why am I still here?' The young man asked suddenly.

Akio's hand slid around his shoulder, down to his chest before it trailed back up to rest gently on the curve of his throat. 'Where else would you be?'

'I did what you asked of me. What more could you possibly require?'

'I know you, my dear. I have always known you. All of your life you have sought Eternity… And I have given it to you, have I not?' The hand tightened slightly, before petting the tense flesh soothingly.

'…You have. And I am grateful. But we had a bargain.'

'Look at your hand.'

'Chairman,' He said, voice nearly pleading. 'This was not what we discussed---'

'Look. At. It.' Akio ordered sharply.

Meekly, Nemuro lifted his hand, and stared at his Rose Signet.

'One hundred and one sacrifices were required.' Akio hissed, leaning down so that his lips brushed his ear. 'I saved you. I spared you. Do not speak to me of bargains and discussions. You were contracted. I have merely… Redesigned the contract. Do you understand?'

His other hand closed over his pale one, thumb trailing over the Signet as he dragged his hand up to touch his own face with it. Then, he buried his face in his soft pink hair, savoring the scent. 'Do you understand me?'

'…Yes.'

'Good. The oath that you will take, I shall prepare for you. Through you, I will bring revolution to the world.'

Coming to stand before him, Akio released his hand. Leaning down, he tugged the dark glasses from his face. 'These are broken.' He commented.

'…Tokiko… slapped me. They fell.'

'Why are you still wearing them?'

'…I require them to see---' yet, even as he said this, he realized it was not true. '…I don't know.' As the glasses were slipped form his face, it seemed as though the years melted with it, taking what was once a slightly confused looking young man and leaving him a boy.

Chuckling, Akio tossed the glasses behind him. The boy winced as the clicking of glass reached them. His eyes widened, but he did not move as the other man settled over him, kneeling on the sofa with his legs on either side of his lap.

She wanted to look away, knowing what was coming, but unable to do so. The Chairman tilted his head to the side and, using the hand still on his throat, pulled the boy's face upwards to meet his own. His kiss was clumsy and inexperienced, as though he had never kissed anyone before, male or female, but the other man simply settled for devouring him with tongue and teeth.

After a moment, the boy surrendered, tentatively reaching his arms up, and wrapping them around his shoulders. Akio laughed, and began to explore the side of his throat.

'…Do I still get to go back to Mamiya…?' He whispered, closing his eyes and drawing his eyebrows together in a grimace that might have been of pleasure or pain.

'…Yes. I gave my word. This is our bargain now.'

'…I understand…'

'Yes.' Akio breathed, drawing back to look at him. 'You will do nicely, indeed. My Black Rose. My Mikage…' And he crushed their mouths together once again in a forceful kiss as the scene swirled and went black.

She turned to find this Mikage standing in the doorway, staring intently at the recently emptied space. She got the impression he had somehow managed to will the memory away before it got any more personal for him. Mute, he jerked his head towards the door he was holding open.

She nodded and made to follow before she noticed something. Something glittered in the soft light cast by the rotating stars above their head. Bending down, she picked up a pair of bent wire glasses. One of the lenses was cracked, and missing a large chunk of glass. Still, she pocketed them, wondering how something physical could be cast out of a memory…



Conversation Seven:

TELL ME WHAT YOU'VE COME FOR

TELL ME WHAT YOU'VE COME FOR

Father: I've been in her house… I've experienced her… her… HER MADNESS

And I rejected the entire experience.

Spanish Doll: Si nunca tes fueres… (if you had never left) La grima… (the tears)Busca me… (find me) Estoy rompido me muneca… (I am torn, my sweet doll) Del Oro…Del Oro, Deloro… (of gold, of gold and also of pain)

Cuida me… (protect me)Requerda me… (remember me)

(deeper, go deeper)



In the hallway, he stopped, and leaned on the wall for a moment. It looked as though he were collecting himself.

"Hey… Hey!" She called. "Did you… You…"

He stared at her, as though daring her to ask him. She faltered and trailed off. Sadly, he looked away.

"You're beginning to understand the way it was for me." He remarked softly. "You see… Souji became Nemuro. Nemuro became Mikage. And Mikage became… Me."

"Are you not Mikage any more?"

"I am not any one any more."

"Then what are you?"

I am an anthropoperipherism. I am myself."

"But why not any of them any more?"

"…He used me. In a way, he uses me still. One day he will come again, and I will forget how I was. I will become his puppet again. But not today. Today, I am myself." He looked up. "There are only a few more rooms. They are through this door."

This hall was black. The words were written very hastily, as though scrawled in anger. Or fear.

\\At the first turning of the second stair

I turned and saw below

The same shape twisted on the banister

Under the vapor in the fetid air

Struggling with the devil of the stairs who wears

The deceitful face of hope and despair.

Fading, fading, strength beyond hope and despair

Climbing the third stair.\\



"What is this?" She asked. This room was unlike all of the others. It was closer to the hallways. The one long wall was a pale violet, and the words painted upon it were of a deep, dark green. All around the script were painted flowering vines, covered in black roses.

"It's a fable… It was told to me as a child. By the man who promised me Eternity…" He breathed.

"The Black Rose stood unflinchingly upright, but with all the coil ad re-coil of the flesh gone out of her. She had been through too much, and all resilience had gone. She stood there, upright, but broken. Revolution had rocked over her. She had heard the screaming. Sometimes she did not know whether it was herself or someone else who screamed.

'I'd almost rather be a slave again, then have this kind of freedom. Why do you follow me? I am losing my life…'

It was then that he pulled her aside, deeper into the shadows and held her there.

'Now, we can talk.'

'Let go of my arm, or I will scream for God.'

'He never helped you. Have you forgotten?'

'Forgotten what? I have forgotten nothing. I can remember all of your daily games. And the stench of your fingers…'

He held her fast and brought her memory back to the time when she had first crumbled to him.

''I could see for all your coupling, your indiscriminate whoredom, that you had been splendid once. I could see why you were given such a name. Black Rose. You were famous. You were desirable… But when Revolution came, your beauty counted for nothing. …And they whipped you and they broke your spirit…'

'I do not want to think of that again… Leave me alone!'

'Do you remember what you promised me?'

'No!'

'And then how I saved you again and helped you escape?'

'No! No! No!'

'Do you remember how you prayed to me for mercy? You prayed on your knees, your lovely head bent as if in execution. And mercy I gave you, did I not?'

'Yes, oh yes.'

'In exchange, as you promised, for your body.'

'No!'

Then the man lifted his fist and struck her across the mouth. It was a mouth that had once been soft and red: lovely to look upon: thrilling to kiss. But now it seemed to have no shape, for the blood ran all over it. In jerking back her head she struck it on the wall at her back and immediately her eyes closed with sickness; those eyes of hers, those irises, they seemed like a great wide well that swallowed what they gazed upon.

But before they closed a kind of ghost appeared to hover in the eyes. It was no reflection, but a terrible and mournful thing… the ghost of unbearable disillusion…"



"…This is just after I…" He trailed off. They were in the observatory once again, but this time it was in total darkness.

She became aware of a light sniffling noise, and, following it throughout the vast room, she managed to trace it over to the tall chair near the projector. Behind the chair, huddled in the floor, was Mikage. Or was it Nemuro? He was half-sitting, half-lying on his side, curled inwards around himself. His arm was cradled to his chest as though it were injured. His face was bruised on the left side.

She swallowed, recalling the feel of corded muscle beneath her hands, and the strange, almost damp feeling as something shifted inside that frail arm. And then, later, when the Sword of Dios has come in contact with that same arm, he had snarled at her and spun to the side to regroup. And she distinctly recalled the satisfaction in her gut as her knuckles had connected with that sharp cheekbone hard enough to send him tumbling to his knees.

"This is after you lost." She finished.

The boy was crying. Every now and then, he would rub his face with his uninjured arm, and squirm a little on the cold floor. Then, the pain would send him into a fresh batch of tears. He gasped, and sat up, alert and silent as the elevator 'ding!'ed.

'I have been looking for you.'

'…I know. I thought this would be the last place you looked.' He whispered.

'Why were you hiding from me, dearest?'

'…You set me up. This was all a set up.'

'What do you mean?' He asked, soothingly, coming closer.

'YOU USED ME!' He exploded, coughing as another tremor wracked his body.

'You're hurt?' He asked, sounding more amused than concerned.

'Yes. But since I'm not real, it must be because I think I deserve it.' He muttered darkly.

'Why would you deserve it?'

'I KILLED ALL OF THOSE BOYS!' He cried. '…I set all of these people up and made them pawns in your game… And I'm ashamed.'

'Of…?' He asked, voice becoming harder, as he knelt beside him in the floor.

'Of myself. For being your whore.' He spat. The backhand hit him roughly across his already-injured cheek, and sent him sprawling on his side again. He laughed bitterly. "This is familiar…"

Akio was on him in that instant, forcing his aching arm behind his back as he pinned his legs between his thighs. 'You think you were my whore? No, dearest… I gave you exactly what I promised you.'

'You promised me Eternity! You promised me he would live! That I would be loved!'

'Darling Mikage, my son, my child… You are Eternal. You have seen Tokiko these past few days. You walked past her without seeing, because she had aged and you had not. I have made you a God amongst men.'

'A God? What sort of God? The God of Puppets? The God of Shadows?'

'The God of my Ambition. I promised you love, dearest. I love you.'

'You don't love anyone but yourself.' He snarled, angry now. 'Let me go.'

'No. You and I have a contract, Mikage. You will stay until I release you from it.'

'MAMIYA IS DEAD!!'

'Fool. Mamiya was always dead. The little boy you knew was sent here by me to bring you to me. The little boy he became was one I had crafted for the recesses of your mind.'

'Why?' He whispered, willing himself not to cry again.

'Because I love you, darling… How you've turned my world, you precious thing… At times you starve and near-exhaust me… All this that I have done to you, I have done for you." He gestured to the ceiling, and the lights activated, and began to swirl. 'I move the stars for no one. Save you.'

He leaned down, and pressed a biting kiss to the flesh of the boy's throat. Mikage sighed and struggled weakly against the iron grip on his wrist. 'No…' He breathed. 'Not this time. Let me go.'

'Shh….' He murmured, gently, eve as he hooked an arm under his hips, pulling him back to meet him. Mikage writhed as the man began to thrust against him slowly. Even through both of their clothes, he felt exposed and used.

When the Chairman had grown tired of his game, he fingered the buttons on his white pants, and unfastened them with unnatural speed.

'Please…' Mikage tried again, struggling harder this time. He could not free his injured arm, and without it, could not gain the leverage necessary to push up against him. He was trapped. Finally, he gave up. Going limp, he moaned as Akio ran his free hand under his shirt and up his chest.

Laughing, Akio released his arm, twisting his face towards him. 'I knew you would change your mind…' Mikage smiled shyly before leaning up to kiss the older man.

Akio cursed as he bit into his lip hard enough to draw blood. While the Chairman was distracted, he lunged to his feet and raced towards the elevator. Growling in rage, Akio dashed after him, managing to catch him as he crashed into the closed door. Mikage darted to the left, and wrenched open the door to the stairwell, just as impossibly strong arms closed around his waist.

'This could have stayed very simple, darling. Why must you complicate everything?'

'LET ME GO! I DON'T WANT THIS!' He cried, struggling again. Akio held him tightly to his chest, and the height difference left him dangling above the floor. He let out a high-pitched shriek of frustration as he realized escape was an impossibility.

Akio dragged him the length of the room and threw him down on the large pile of cushions near the window. 'Stay still and I may not make you bleed.' He hissed. Mikage cringed and did not move. He had never seen the man so angry.

Pausing for a moment to touch his marred lip, he licked the blood away, smiling at the taste on his tongue. Then, he unfastened his now wrinkled white slacks. The dress shirt soon followed. He dropped down onto his lover and pulled his already unfastened pants the rest of the way off, not bothering with his shirt. He kissed Mikage deeply, stealing his breath and swallowing his outcry of pain as he was taken quickly with out preparation.

He chuckled darkly, licking away the tears from the boy's magnificent eyes, enjoying the way the salt stung his still-bleeding mouth. Mikage tuned his head to the side as he continued to thrust into him, making now move to speed his motions. He wanted Mikage, who never remembered anything clearly, to remember this for the rest of his unnaturally long life. He wanted the boy to remember forever who created him, who claimed him, and who owned him.

When it was over, and he came, he growled, 'My Rose, blooming at the Ends of the World…'

To his surprise, the boy nodded feverishly, and echoed, '…yours…'

After a long while, he pulled out of his lover. Too much fluid slipped out to merely be his seed, but he paid no attention to it. Instead, he spooned the boy to him, and buried his face in his hair.

'Please…' Mikage whispered sadly. 'You said I could go. You told me the path had not been prepared…'

Akio smiled then. 'Dearest, I said you graduate. I never said you could pass on out of my sight. You are no longer a student of this Academy. You have failed me, dearest, but I will not punish you for it. After all, I designed you to fail. You are my creature, my puppet, my pawn. And so, I will reward you. You shall come with me, into the Garden.'

'What Garden?' He whispered.

'Yes. The Garden of the God that Climbs.'

This scene faded as well, and she was left staring in shock at the boy in the doorway.

He was sitting down now, still dutifully propping open the door. His knees were drawn to his chin, and his arms were wrapped around his legs. He was shaking, but not in tears. She identified the feelings in her gut as shame, pity, and guilt. Guilt because, perhaps if she had not beaten him up, he would have been able to make it down the stairs in time.

"Now you see. He will claim to love you, and offer you everything you didn't even know you wanted. You must not take it. It will ruin you." He whispered.



Conversation Eight:

Spanish Schoolteacher: Well now after all that thinking, wouldn't it be fine if we could take a little trip? We will do it. I know a game we all like to ply inside la casa- the house. We will play hide and seek.

Daughter: I can hear myself: I'm somewhere in there… What's happening? Can you hear me?

Mother: Nobody's home… nobody's home…

Daughter: Daddy?

Father: I thought he was dead.

Daughter: Who are you?

Father: DEAD

I wasn't sure if I'm going to survive this horror…

Brother: No-one should brave the underworld alone.

Father: Try now to take the next step…

(deeper, go deeper)



\\Because I know that time is always time

And place is always and only place

And what is actual is actual only for one time

And only for one place

I rejoice that things are as they are and

I renounce the blessed face

And renounce the voice

Because I cannot hope to turn again

Because I do not hope to know again

The infirm glory of the positive hour

Because I do not think

Because I know I shall not know

The one veritable transitory power

Because I cannot drink

There, …for there is nothing again.\\

She stood in the hallway with him. This hall was a hall of mirrors. In each mirror, only he left a reflection.

"This will be the final room." He whispered.

Something had happened to him in that other room, and he seemed almost… broken for it.

"All of this will happen to you again." She realized.

"What?"

"This. You said earlier he would come for you again, and you would forget. Like when you were with Mamiya… In the crypt… And he made you forget…"

"The Black Roses on the doors are for when he comes for me. I am for his whim. For his pleasure."

"That's disgusting!" She exploded.

"I am sorry. I didn't wish to subject you to that. She insisted it was necessary. I did not wish to offend you."

"What?! Are you nuts?! You're apologizing to me because he attacked you?! I'll kick his ass! I ought to kill him for that!!"

He blinked at her, shocked. "…You would do that…? …For… Me…?"

"…It doesn't matter if it was you specifically or not. Some things are just wrong. Good or bad, Mikage… You're still a person."

He smiled at her weakly. "You truly are the Lily."

He stopped before the large white door with its pink rose knob. "This is the final door. This door is for you."

"Aren't you coming with me?"

"It is not my place to go. My task was to guide you here. It is complete." He bowed. "Good luck, Sempai."

"Mikage, wait!" She cried, grabbing his arm again, less forcefully this time.

He stopped. Rather than spin him towards her, she opted to circle back around him until they were facing each other. "…Thank you. For what you're trying to do." She thrust something towards him, and he took it automatically.

She had handed him his glasses. He smiled and made a soft sorting noise.

There was a muted crashing sound from somewhere nearby, as though several doors had just been flung open at once. "…I should go…" He murmured softly. Her hand was still on his arm. He made no move to pull away.



Conversation Nine:

Father: What is it, Annie?

Daughter: (breathless) I miss you.

Daughter: It's okay… You can go now…

(i understand)



She looked at the door. It was white, and it had an entire passage painted on it with black paint this time.

\\And pray to God to have mercy upon us

And pray that I may forget

These matters that with myself I too much discuss

Too much explain

Because I do not hope to turn again

Let these words answer

For what is done, not to be done again

May the judgement not be too heavy upon us\\

"Which one of them it in there?"

"I can't say." He said. "I do know he will try to trick you before you reach her. Once you have reclaimed the Rose Bride, you can do it. And he must make you his own before you touch her. Do you understand?"

"Yes. …But… I don't think I get why you had to do all of this. I know not to fall for his tricks. I don't know how to do it, though."

He laughed again, but this time it was almost pleasant, and actually tinged with amusement. "…Sempai, don't you see? …You just have to grow up. If you do not…" He buried his hand in his hair again, at a loss of what to say. "If adulthood is forced… It breaks. You cannot be given power of self. You have to gain it on your own. Otherwise… You are not prepared to deal with it, and you fail. …Do You Understand?"

Understanding did dawn in her eyes, and she nodded. "…I… think so…"

He grinned at her. It was odd, and pulled a little too far to one side, but it was a genuine smile of happiness. Untangling his hand form his hair, he leaned up a little. His Rose Signet brushed her cheek, and thin lips barely ghosted over her own. "...Then You Have No Choice But To Revolutionize The World…"



Conversation Ten:

Father: ..While what was really happening in the years of their childhood…

Daughter: Mommy, how come you cry?

Father: Perhaps that's where the real story is- in her family house…

Daughter: How come it's a house of leaves?

(the path can never been prepared for you)

(this is the way the world ends)



He found himself staring at a door with another passage on it. The handle was red. It was for him.

\\Because these wings are no longer wings to fly

But merely vans to beat the air

The air which is now thoroughly small and dry

Smaller and dryer than the will

Teach us to care and not to care

Teach us to sit still.\\

"Teach us to sit still…" He murmured, brushing a hand over his lips. Squaring his shoulders, he opened the door…

It wasn't a room at all. It was a mirror. His reflection stared impassively back at him , but there was something very wrong about it. He realized the reflection was wearing the blue jacket.

Movement in the mirror startled him. Strong, dark arms closed over the mirror version of himself seconds before they latched themselves around him. The jacket felt heavy, nearly smothering him with its sudden presence. A dark voice rumbled in his ear as teeth grazed his throat. "You have been helping my sister meddle."

"…I have done as I am bound."

The teeth bit sharply into his throat. "Your contract is with me."

"Not here. Not when the Duel called Revolution has been won."

"…She isn't going to come back for you, you know. Once she has the Rose Bride, she will go. She will take Eternity, and she will leave this place."

"No one ever leaves this place."

"Are you so sure?"

"You are the most powerful of us all, and you are bound here. There is no hope for us, now, or at the hour of our death."

"You've been reading."

"Please let me go."

"She isn't coming back, dearest. Don't you even know what this is? Have you forgotten where you are? And why I brought you here?"



(this is the way the world ends)

Mother: Hello? Hello?

Daughter: Mom?

(not with a bang, but a)



\\Although I do not hope to turn again

Although I do not hope

Although I do not hope to turn

Wavering between the profit and the loss

In this brief transit where the dreams cross

The dreamcrossed twilight between birth and dying\\

He closed the door behind him when he left him there. The encounter had been swift and violent. The man had somewhere else to be.

Mikage stood in the centre of his room, holding his soiled and bloodied jacket in his hands. He had done something very important only moments ago, and for the life of him, he could not remember what it was! Frustrated, he threw the jacket into the corner. Glancing at the floor ear the chair, he saw that Akio had left him a gift.

Frowning a little, he picked it up. A single black rose. Already, it was near death, it's petals wilting in the still air. He considered trying to preserve it, and immediately rejected that ideal.

Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the doorknob turning. He did not look, imagining it must be his violent lover returned for something else.

Then he heard her voice. "What are you doing here?!"

Whirling in shock, the rose tumbled from numb fingers, a silent testament to his surprise.

As soon as it hit the ground, the rose had slowly blossomed to a deep crimson…

"…Lily…"



\\Rose of memory

Rose of forgetfulness

Calm and distressed

Torn and most whole

Terminate torment

Of love unsatisfied

The greater torment

Of love satisfied

End of the endless

Journey to no end

Conclusion of all that

Is inconclusible

Speech without word and

Word of no speech

The single Rose

Is now the Garden

Where all love ends.\\

I am an imaginary living body, come to its end.



(OWARI)

(kiroku)

The "Conversations" are from the liner notes and tracks of the POE CD "Haunted".

The poem found on the walls of the Garden is actually "Ash Wednesday", by T.S. Eliot. There is one tiny reference to "The Hollow Men", and you will get a special prize if you can find it.

The story on the wall of the Violet Room is actually an excerpt from the third Gormenghast novel "Titus Alone", by Mervyn Peake.

"This is a holy land, a sacred place… This room leads to the ends of the world…" Mikage, talking to Kanae at the beginning of the Kurobara Saga.

"…I knew since the first time I saw you… You met the person important to you long ago, right? And so, that person changed your life forever, right? You're standing here on the strength of that illusion…" Mikage, talking to Utena in "Qualifications of a Duelist".

"Your eyes are like those people who can't help wanting to make memories last forever…" -ditto above

"But I wonder if the flowers themselves are happy; being forced to last so long…" Mamiya (the normal one) talking to Nemuro in "tQoaD" about Tokiko drying flowers because she can't bear to watch them die. He's actually talking about himself, though.

"The period where you hid the possibility in your heart, not growing up, was useful." Akio to Nemuro just before he graduates him.

The lyrics are from Watashi Kuusou Seimeitai ("I am an Imaginary Living Body"), Mikage's Duel Chorus, which kicks a lot of ass. It's sort of like the "Spiritualized" of the Utena world.

The reason Mikage is calling Utena "Sempai" (which is a sign of seniority) is because she has defeated him, and obviously just won the Duel called Revolution.

For the record, in the recap episode, "The Boys of the Black Rose", when Akio is talking to Dios, he lists off duels Utena has won. "Friendship" (Utena/Saionji); "Choice" (Utena/Saionji); "Reason" (Utena/Miki); "Love" (Utena/Juri); "Adoration" (Utena/Nanami); "Conviction" (Touga/Utena); and "Self" (Utena/Touga). And he wonders aloud if she will ever reach "the duel called Revolution", and Dios …twitches. Or something.

Several times throughout this fic, Mikage calls Utena "Lily". There is a Japanese proverb that one of the shadow puppet girls recites at one point during the show. (I think it was ""BotBR"). Tateba shakuyaku, suwareba botan, aruka suggata wa yuri no hana. ("Standing, she is like a peony, sitting, she is like a peony, and walking, she is like a lily.") It describes beauty so radiant that only by moving (or revolutionizing) can she show her true charms.

Utena does always use violence to get her way. I just like the idea of her hitting Mikage. I suppose it's because it has precedence. I actually like Utena/Mikage quite a bit. (and, yes, it *must* be written that way).

There is a reference to Revelation 22:13 "I am the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last."

'But those who look at you are lonely…' Tokiko's line to Nemuro in "tQoaD"

Mikage refers to himself at one point as an "anthropoperipherism". This is actually a word made up for the Duel Chorus. (they do that a lot on Utena). According to Webster's New World Dictionary: "anthropomorphism : n. the attributing of human characteristics to gods, objects, etc.", "periphery : n. an outer boundary esp. of a rounded object." So what is anthropoperipherism? Something that seems God-like to us, but instead, is shuttered off into the shadows? Akio calls Mikage the God of his Ambition. That's not true. Mikage becomes the God of his Humanity. Akio (in this story at least) truly loved Mikage. However, he felt this was a weakness, and took measures to prevent it.

I don't remember the order of the Black Rose Duelists, and I don't think Wakaba was last. (besides Mikage). I think Keiko might have been, but I'm not sure. I just put her in there because I liked her duel best. Tatsuya is the boy that Mikage sends away (the Onion Prince kid). He tells him. "You are a good person. The path has not been prepared for you. Please leave now." I think he sent him away, because his motives smack a little to similar to Nemuro's, if you ask me.

The reason the rose in the tank changes colour is because that is Mikage's Black Rose. However, when he begins to doubt his work, it nearly reverts to his normal rose shade, which I imagine would be purple. Then Mamiya comes in and makes him forget, and it fades back to black. Note at the ending, when Utena reappears, his rose turns back to crimson.

"glasses on, Nemuro!" "glasses off, Mikage!" like Clark Kent/Superman!

Yes, I just *had* to throw the rape scene in there. It sucks, I know. I meant to write the consensual scene, but it didn't happen. I am writing a happy Akio/Mikage fic (well, happier) so we'll see.

Akio makes a Labyrinth joke in the rape scene. "How you've turned my world, you precious thing… You starve and near-exhaust me… Every thing I've done I've done for you… I move the stars for no one… You've run so far, you've run so fast… Your eyes can be so cruel… Just as I can be so cruel…" -Jareth (David Bowie) "Within You".

There is also a Care Bears joke in here. In one of the Care Bear movies (the one with Dark Heart), the girl whose name I cannot remember (I think it was Alison) is out in a boat with Dark Heart in his human form. They are arguing, and she upsets the boat, and he falls out. She realizes that he can't swim, so she dives in and saves his life. When he asks her why she did it, she replies "Good or bad, you're still a person…" La.

I like the endings. There are three. The first is when Mikage and Utena part at the door. I love his kiss and his line. And the second is when Akio shows up to claim Mikage. When he tells him she won't be back for him, because of where he is, he is referring to "The Garden Where All Love Ends". She will forget that she cared about him, and care only for herself. That's why he put Mikage there. He really did love him, and his love was making him sloppy. So he removes him there, to the Garden.