Utena, Revolutionary Girl Fan Fiction ❯ The Nature of Destiny ❯ Chapter 1

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

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Revolutionary Girl Utena

The characters and concepts of Chiho Saito are used without
permission. Other original characters are copyright of Alexander
Gray

This story maybe freely distributed as long as this section is also
referenced and the author is quoted.

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The Nature of Destiny
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I hated her. I had to hate her, for I am the Rose Bride and such
is my destiny. I am my Brother's tool, the puppet that must dance to
the pull of his strings, for that too is part of my fate - the
punishment for that which I am.

That is the reason for why I must hate her. I have no other
choice.

I looked down at her face, so peaceful and innocent in her sleep,
and a feeling that was almost like guilt sprang from the empty void of
my soul. I clenched my fists and dragged my eyes away from her. What
was wrong with me? I had done this betrayal many times before - why
should now be any different? If my brother was to return to what he
had been, then this was a necessary step that had to be taken. This
foolish little "prince" had to be sacrificed and it was my role to
ensure that that happened. And yet... And yet...

Why? Why was I hesitating? This was the role I had been "born" to
fulfill. I _hated_ her! It should be easy! She trusted me like a
child...

She murmured, and with a sleepy sigh rolled over onto her back.
The movement threw her hair out in a cascade of bright color around
her head. The sight of it bought an almost wistful smile to my face.
She was so beautiful. Like a fairy-tale princess...

I cursed, and jerking my head away forcefully reminded myself just
who I was. I hated her! I had to! She was a means to an end - nothing
more! The only reason I was here with her now was to ensure that
through her sacrifice my brother might be freed. Oh, why did the
thought of what I must do over the next few days make me feel so...
ashamed?

I looked out of the window at the dark sky overhead, and let my
mind wander to see if I could come up with an answer to my self
imposed question. But as my eyes followed the patterns and
constellations of the field of stars twinkling before me, the only
images that my mind seemed to produce were memories of her.

Memories of her laugh, her smile, the way she sometimes looked at
me with those deep sad eyes of hers...

"Enough!" I hissed, brutally closing the door down on the path
that my mind seemed so intent on following. "That is enough! She is
nothing! Nothing! Only the Absolute Destiny is important! You must
hate her! You _must_!"

I heard a small snort behind me and my heart jumped up into my
mouth as for a moment I thought _she_ had awakened. I spun around,
almost gasping with relief when I saw that it was only a certain small
monkey that my cursing had awakened. I chided myself for my lack of
control, and turning back to the window, continued my interrogation of
the stars above. It was still a few days before my "engaged" had to be
bought before my brother for real, and in that time I had to make
certain that she would stay the course. There had been a few cases
before when prospective "heroes" had lost their way just before they
could finally be of some use to us, and I wanted to ensure that this
would not happen with her. I wanted her to remain close. I wanted her
to... I wanted...

I halted.

I wanted...

Once more I ran those two words through my mind. I wanted... what?
What...

I wanted what?

I turned myself around and stared intensely at the lithe body of
my sleeping "prince" as she softly snored to herself. Just what
exactly was it _I_ wanted of her? Her nobility... Was that my wish or
the wish of my brother? I took a couple of steps over to stand by her
bed and once more I stared down at her peacefully sleeping face. She
looked so open, so vulnerable, that for an instant, I almost found
myself tempted to reach out and soothe her straggling reddish hair
back into place. The abruptness of the feeling left me confused.
What... What was I doing? This was not me! I yanked back my hand and
strode sharply away. I had to stop this foolishness! I was the Witch,
the Rose Bride! She was nothing! Less than nothing! She could not save
me - no one could! The path I walk, I walk alone.

I clenched my fists and taking a deep breath broke the silence of
the room. Slowly, ever so slowly, I exhaled and with a cold,
methodical detachment I froze the warm confusion that she had wormed
into my life and welded the iron facade that was "Anshi Himemiya" back
into place. A doll, that is what I am. A doll without a heart or a
soul. I exist for the whims of my Prince. That is the only reason why
I live, the only reason I have ever needed and nothing, and no one,
can ever change that. I am what I am. I...

...Let's have tea and laugh together ten years from now, okay?
Promise?...

The silence of the room echoed with unbidden voices from the past.

...I want us to share things...

No... stop this...

...Believe in me. I'll protect you, no matter what...

The confusion begins to surge once more. My fists clench, I must
remain in control!

...Save her!...

Stop this... Please... I cannot lose myself in a hope that can
never be. I...

...I'll become her Prince!...

No! I am the Rose Bride! She cannot save me! I _must_ hate her! I
must! I MUST!

...I'll become her Prince - no matter what!...

"No..." A small sob broke from the mouth that had betrayed me, and
a single tear was all that it took to fracture the iron facade that I
had been struggling so hard to maintain. Why? Why could I not hate
her!? WHY?!

I am running, running to escape from the words, running to escape
from the emotions struggling to be born in my dead heart, just
running... I have no direction, I simply flee. Trying to escape from
her, trying to escape from me, trying to escape from everything...

Wind, cold wind, it tears at my nightie, tears at my mind. I halt.
The lights of the world glimmer like a forest of stars below me,
reflecting in my tears. Confusion rages throughout my mind and the
sound of my living heart booms like a chain of unending explosions in
my ear. I am lost. My mask, my direction, gone - all gone. I am
standing on the edge looking down at the pretty lights glimmering
below me.

Lights... Stars... The edge of the world... The End of the
World... Escape... Freedom...

"Himemiya!"

A voice shouts out behind me and unknowingly I turn. _She_ is
standing there - looking at me. Her hair is streaming around her face,
caught up by the force of the wind and her worried eyes lock onto
mine.

"Are you running away?"

Her question jolts me, the sight of her jolts me. Oh, why? Why can
I not just hate her?! Why?

"I can't take anymore! I'm sorry!" The words fly from my mouth
before I can stop them. My mask is gone, my facade is gone and the
confusion of my heart is tearing me apart. I must end this! I cannot
be like this anymore! Can you not see? The warm light of your heart is
too much for me to bear! I cannot believe in anything any more!
Please! Why can you not see that? Why must you taunt me with the
promise of salvation? I cannot be saved! I _cannot_!

I cast my body to the wind, giving myself up to it completely. A
joyous sense of freedom fills me, intoxicating me, and I almost feel
like smiling as the confusion is replaced by a final sense of
certainty, of...

Pain! Sudden, jarring pain fills me as something abruptly catches
hold of my hand and rips my mad bid for peace rudely away. I cry out,
and my head turns, automatically seeking out that which had just
"saved" me.

It is _her_.

Her hand is locked around mine in a grip that cannot be broken,
and her face is visibly straining with the effort of breaking my fall.
The wind pulls violently at us both, but she only tightens her grip
and I know that my bid for freedom had failed. I look at her, begging
her with my eyes, trying to get her to understand. But all I can see
reflected in her face is an unyielding will and a desperate concern
for me.

"Don't worry about me anymore!" I cry out, trying once more to
convince her to let me be. But even as the wind rips the words from my
mouth I know that it is a vain hope. She will never let me go. Her
faith, her hope are too strong. She still believes that she is a
Prince, that she can save her Princess and bring a happy end to the
story. Nothing I could ever say would convince her to...

"Are you running away?!" she shouts at me again, her face
resolute.

Yes! Yes I am! Can you not see that! I am trying to save you! To
save you from yourself! To save you from me!

"Weren't we gonna have tea and laugh together ten years from
now?!"

Her voice is filled with a fiery passion and a belief in life that
shakes me. How can I make her understand? How can I make her see that
I am not what she thinks I am? I am not like her! The strength that I
once had has been consumed by the soul-numbing nature of my own
immortality. She cannot save me! And if she tries, then the very
nature of my own weakness will ultimately betray her. I _must_ make
her understand! She cannot care for me like this! She must let me go!

I look up at her, trying to find the words, any words that will
protect her from her own nature, but at the sight of the expression on
her face all such hope dies away. She is as much entrapped by the
nature of her own being as I am by mine - I cannot save her.

"I'm sorry, Utena-sama," I cry out, and I genuinely am. For in
those few precious moments of crystal clarity that the promise of
release had bought me, I had finally realized something that should
have been blindly obvious - the reason that I could not hate her.

The reason that I cannot save her...

The reason that I loved her...

She _was_ a Prince, _my_ Prince. And because of that, I would
ultimately destroy her in one way or another. I could not help it - it
was my Destiny.

"I'm so sorry!"

Once again I try to pull my hand away from her grip, but I already
know that I will fail. She will never let me go. I am as much her
Princess as she is my Prince. We are bound together, doomed by the
same fate that entrapped me and my brother. There can be no escape,
for either of us.

With a cry of pain she pulls me back from the edge of the world,
and we both collapse together onto the ground. She is panting from the
after effects of the adrenaline and we are so close that I can almost
hear her heart beating. Weakly, I raise my head and look at her. For a
moment, she just stares back at me blankly, but then, as the oxygen
she is dragging into her lungs begins to take effect, her stare
changes into something else - a desperate question. A desperate desire
to know why.

Why I had done what I had done? Why I had given myself so
completely to my brother? Why I was what I was... Why... everything...

I look away, unable to bear her gaze, and slowly, as if she were
my most intimate friend, I begin to reveal the secrets of my soul.
Secrets, that until that moment, I had never shared with anyone - not
even my brother.

"Because I'm the Rose Bride..." I told her, trying to put the very
nature of my soul into words that she could understand. "Because I'm a
doll with no heart. I thought that no matter what befell my body, my
heart wouldn't feel the pain..."

Her face tightens, but whether it is from anger, sorrow or pity I
cannot tell. She just looks at me - waiting.

I look away. I cannot stand this. Why must it be her? Why does she
have to care for me so much?

"I'm sorry, Utena-sama," I continue, words just falling from my
mouth. "My suffering is my rightful punishment as the Rose Bride. But
making you suffer..." My voice catches in my chest. The suffering I
was destined to cause her would be beyond anything she could ever
imagine. I _hated_ this! Why could I not just for once be strong
enough to stop myself? Tears filled my eyes and I captured her gaze
with my own. "Making you suffer..." I hate myself, my weakness. "You
were merely caught up in it all. I knew everything. I exploited your
innocence, I encroached upon your kindness..." My head fell forward as
I confessed both my fate and my nature. "I'm sorry, Utena-sama. I've
been unfair to you. I'm a cruel woman. I've betrayed you all along.
I..."

"No."

Her single word cut my confession off short and I looked up at
her, surprised.

"I... didn't recognize your pain," she whispered, her face in
torment. "I didn't realize you were suffering. Instead, I just kept on
pretending to be the prince who could save you. I was just being
conceited about protecting you." The distress in her voice was matched
by the way her hands were shaking, and I had to stop myself from
reaching out to try and comfort her.

"...And when I saw you and Akio-san together..." At this point her
voice broke slightly and her fists clenched. "Together," she
continued, "I even thought you had betrayed me. When you were
suffering so much, when I had said we should save each other..." She
started to cry, looking at me with an expression on her face that made
me feel disgusted at myself.

"_I'm_ the one whose unfair. I'm the one whose cruel..." The tears
were flowing freely down her face now and like a wounded animal she
curled up on herself, sobbing. "I'm the one who betrayed you..."

I could not stand it any longer. The sorrow and bitter pain in her
voice at the imagined hurts she had inflicted upon me overwhelmed my
senses, and weeping, I reached out to embrace her. I slid my arms
around her shaking body and tried my best to comfort her. At the same
time, I sobbed at the agony that fate had inflicted upon me. I _loved_
her, and yet I would betray her. I hated myself, and in that strange
no-man's land between love and hate, I somehow found the strength to
put into words that which I had never dared to utter.

"It's okay now," I whispered softly into her ear, "So please...
Leave this school. Please... Forget about all of this..." Save
yourself, leave me...

My words made her stiffen and pulling back, she looked at me
shocked.

"How the hell could I do that?" she exclaimed, her face still red
with tears. "I'm going to free you..."

My eyes closed and I looked away as a pain even more bitter than
the swords stabbed at my newly awakened heart. I had failed. As I had
once failed with my brother, so now I failed with my beloved. Destiny
would repeat itself and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Was this the power of miracles...

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