Violinist Of Hamelin Fan Fiction ❯ VOH Out-takes ❯ Episode One ( Chapter 1 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

VoH Outakes
A Violinist of Hameln fan "fic"
by
Lady Aoi

Summary: What you didn't see in the anime... and thankfully so. If this is popular enough I'll try to do one for every episode.
Rating: R for naughty language, adult situations, general weirdness that happens on film sets (and yes I've been on some)
Disclaimer: They aren't mine and neither are the jokes if you think about it ^^;
Spoilers: Each Out-take covers an episode, so the first chapter has spoilers only for episode one and so forth.
Lady Aoi's Notes: Uh... Chestra made me do it. Damn you, Chestra!

Episode One:

~*Scene One*~

(The guardians sit around the magic circle in Sforzend Castle's basement, concentrating on the barrier. One of them falls over.)

VOICE: (o.s.) The 18th guardian fell!!

(Another guardian clutches his chest, cries out in pain and falls into the magic circle with a sickening crack)

VOICE: (o.s.) The 27th Guardian fell!!

27th Guardian: ....ano.....I think I broke something...

VOICE: ........

27th Guardian: No... really.... I think I broke something..

(Other Guardians look up, concerned. some leave their posts and hurry to him)

27th Guardian: AHH!! My Legs!!! I can't feel my legs!!

DIRECTOR: CUT!! Somebody call a doctor!!

~*Scene Two*~

(Bass and Lute stand behind the barrier, facing Queen Horn)

Bass/Lute: Lute, I am your father...

(Horn cracks up)

Director: Dammit, we're wasting film here!

~*Take Two*~
(Lute accidentally drops Bass's head)

Lute: Uh-oh...

Bass: Yaaaaa..... (He rolls down a nearby incline)

Director: CUT!!

Lute: Bass-sama! Are you alright!

Bass: (o.s., muffled) For god's sake, Lute! The next time you want to throw me down a slope, USE THE STUNT HEAD!! I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!!

Lute: (sweatdrops)

~*Scene Three*~

(Hameln stares into the mirror on his desk, then speaks to Obo)

Hameln: It just appeared last night...

(The horn falls off his head)

Hameln: Gah! (he breaks up laughing, as does Obo)

Director: CUT! If I told those assholes in make-up once, I told them a thousand times. DONT FUCKING SKIMP ON THE GLUE FOR THE HORN!

(Obo laughs so hard he falls off the windowsill)

Obo: Oh my... (bangs his head against the floor) Must. Stop. Laughing. Can't . Breathe. AHAHAHAH!!!

~* Take Two*~

(Hameln stares at the mirror)

Hameln: It.... (his face works violently and he cracks up laughing again. Obo tries very hard not to, but his beak is open in a parody of a smile)

Director: CUT, CUT!!

~* Take Three*~

(Hameln stares at the mirror) It nust appeared jast... blah! (sticks his tongue out and cracks up)

Obo: C--confound y-y-you, get it right!! AHAHAH!!!

Director: CUT!

~* Take Four*~

(Hameln stands staring into the mirror. He slowly raises up a soap-covered finger and begins drawing a circle around his reflection's head)

Hameln: I claim this planet for... Hammania... (laughs)

Director: DAMN IT, CUT!!!!

~*Scene Four*~

(Flute races into Hameln's room, throwing the door open)

FLUTE: HAMELN!!!! (she whaps herself in the nose with the door) ITAI!!!! (holds her nose and begins crying as Hameln runs to her)

DIRECTOR: CUT!!

~*Take Two*~

(Flute Races into the room, throwing the door open)

FLUTE: ..... uh...... (starts laughing, as do Hameln and Obo) Ham...eln...?

Director: (throwing megaphone down) HAMELN!!! YOU JUST FUCKING SAY HAMELN YOU STUPID COW!!

(Flute begins crying hysterically)

Flute: H--hameln!!!!!!!!

Hameln: (hugging her and patting her hair softly) There there, sweety, it's okay. (to Director) Dude, can you like lighten up a little? Flute's had a very rough week between work on this show, her roll in Sailor and the Seven Ballz and her cat who --

Flute: NO! BUTTONS!!!!! WAHH!!! (buries her face against Hameln's chest)

Hameln: Shh... it's okay, baby.... come on, let's do some relaxation exercises okay. (he gently puts Flute on her back and lies down beside her)

Director: What the *hell*?!

Hameln: Okay... in goes the good air... out goes the bad air... in goes the good air... out goes the bad air...

Flute: toyboat, toyboat, toyboat...yeeeeeehehehehhe, yeeeeehhhehee, me may mah mo moo, mee may mah mo moo...

Director: (slaps his forhead) Oi vei! Actors!

~*Scene Five*~

Flute: You don't need to wash your clothes today, Hameln! (holds up a black cape and pounces Hameln)

(Camera cuts to Obo, who is sitting on the table watching the scene and sweatdropping. It is clearly noticeable, however, that Obo is drunk. He's swaying slightly on the table and his usually clear eyes are bloodshot. He suddenly laughs and claps his wings together.)

Obo: WOOOHOOO!! TAKE IT *hic* OFF BABY!!!

DIRECTOR: CUT!!

Obo: (70s porn music) Baum-chicka-baum-baum!!

Director: (as the megaphone flies down over Obo) I SAID FUCKING CUT!!!!

Obo: (from inside the megaphone) I will survive...

Director: DAMN YOU, SHUT UP!!

Hameln: (sighs) Dude! He's like totally hammered! (to Obo, reassuringly patting the outside of the megaphone) Don't worry, little buddy, Hameln-chan's callin' your sponsor right now.

Obo: BLAAARG!!! (sounds of retching come from under the megaphone. The director and Hameln sweatdrop and look at one another)

Hameln: Uh... dude, you might wanna, like, disinfect that...

~*Scene Six*~

(Hameln and Flute race down the dirt road to the Harvest Festival. Flute trips and falls into Hameln, knocking him and his gigantic violin down. As she does so, her dress flips up. The camera blurs over her derriere as she falls.)

Villager: ... they uh... make such a .... cute..... co-uple... (he cracks up laughing)

Flute: FUCK YOU, GEORGE!!! I'LL KILL YOU!! I'LL KILL YOU!!! AAAHHHH!!! (runs for him, stepping right on Hameln's groin)

HAMELN: AHHH!!!! JESUS CHRIST, FLUTE!!!! ( He jumps up and throws his violin at her, while holding onto his jewels. The violin smacks Flute in the back and knocks her over again. Once again she flashes the camera.)

FLUTE: HAMELN!!! (she sits down and begins crying)

DIRECTOR: (nosebleed) CUUUT!!!

~*Scene Seven*~

(Resik and his friends examine the night sky.)

Resik: It's as if there are too many stars in the sky...

(Hameln sneaks up behind them)

Hameln: (sings, deep Javert voice) Stars... in your multitudes....scarce to be counted....

(Resik and his friends laugh)

DIRECTOR: CUT!! Hameln, one more stupid antic like that and so help me you're going back to the set of "Dumb and Dumber Three"!

Hameln: Bogus! (cowering) Yes, sir...

~*Scene Eight*~

(Villagers dance during the Harvest Festival and Hameln plays a sprightly, slightly medieval-sounding Loud Song with some other musicians.)

Hameln: hehehe...

(Suddenly he begins playing "Cause I got high" on his violin)

Hameln HA HA!!!

(the other musicians struggle to keep up with him, and things quickly degenerate into cacophonic chaos)

Director: CUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~*Scene Nine*~

(The village chief looks down at the possessed Sforzend messenger)

Messenger: Yes, the signs tell us it's emerging.

Chief: Then the barrier...

Messenger: We have to send the princess as soon as possible. Ahhhhhhhhhhh--!!!

(He begins to convulse but no tentacled monster springs out of his chest)

Messenger: (trying to improvise) --hhhhhhhhh!! AHHHHHHH!!!! (he looks at the chief helplessly) Oi, sorry, mate. I can't do me bit wif'out that monster, now can I?

Director: CUT!!

~*Take Two*~

Messenger: We have to send the princess as soon as possible.... AHHH!!!!!!!

(the monster pops out of his throat and wraps his tentacle around the room. The village elder screams)

Monster: Ah....... alright, then, what was I s'posed to do after that part? Was it destroy the house or chase the stupid humans?

Chief and Messenger: (sweatdrop)

Director: (throws megaphone down) Cut!! TAKE FIVE!!

~*Scene Ten*~

(Queen Horn gasps and turns around. The two stone angels by her door suddenly begin quivering. They both land and hold their hands out)

Angel One: Ninja. Ninja.

Angel Two: RAP!

Angel One: Ninja. Ninja.

Angel Two: RAP!

Both Angels: (while doing a very strange seemingly tai chi-inspired dance) GO NINJA GO NINJA GO!! GO NINJA GO NINJA GO!!

(Queen Horn sweatdrops)

Director: Stop ninja, stop ninja stop! CUT!!!

~*Take Two*~

(The angels explode and turn into giant tentacles which speed for the terrified queen. At the last possible second, Clarinet blasts them with a spell. However, he miscalculates and hits Queen Horn instead)

Queen Horn: AIEEEEEE!!!!! (Vanishes)

Clary: (trying to stay in character) Horno-sama~

Director: CUT!!!

Clary: (sweatdrops) Uh... I did bad, huh?

~*Take Two*~

(Clary again blasts the monsters and again hits Queen Horn. This time the spell lifts her into the air and floats her out the window)

Clary: (trying to stay in character) Horno-sama!! The demons --

Queen Horn: The demons my ass, fruit boy! GET ME THE HELL DOWN FROM HERE!!!

Clary: (still trying to be in character) Horno-sama!

Director: CUT!!!

~*Take Three*~

(Clary again blasts the monsters and hits Queen Horn yet again. The queen screams as her costume falls off. Clary looks and instantly gets a nosebleed)

Clary: (trying to stay in character) Horno-saaaamaaa...

Queen Horn: You idiot!!

Director: CUT!!! (smashing Clary with the megaphone) CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!?

Clary: (sobbing) I'm SORRY!!!

~*Scene Eleven*~

(Hameln and Flute flee from the monster)

FLUTE: AHHHH!!!

(As the monster follows it over the hill, however, its wheels suddenly show a la "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes")

DIRECTOR: CUT!!

Monster: (o.s.) Dammit, I *told* you I'm fully capable of doing my own stunts!!

~*Scene Twelve*~

(Outside shot of the Northern Capitol. Bass/Lute's sinister/innocent laughter is heard)

Bass/Lute: HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH-- chowak!! (they begin coughing in unison and uncontrollably)

Director: CUT!!! Someone get the dynamic duo a lozenge.

Bass/Lute: (sounding like a sick seagull) HAAACK!!!

~*Scene Thirteen*~

(Hameln plays Mozart's Requiem to send the demons back to Hell)

Obo: (v.o) This is the last beautiful piece from one of the greatest in music history. Mozart. He composed the music for himself because he expected his own death.... uh, wait a second... is it pronounced Ray-quiem or Reck-quiem?

Director: CUT!! What the hell does it matter, Obo?

Obo: Well, I mean I'm supposed to be the music history scholar here, right? So I'd better know how to pronounce something as simple as ray-quiem.

Flute: ...ano... I think it's actually pronounced "Reck-quiem..."

Obo: D'oh!!

~*Take Two*~

Obo: This is the last beautiful piece from one of the greatest in music history. Mozart. He composed the music for himself because he expected his own -- can I ask a question.

Director: CUT!! (sarcasm) Of course, Obo darling, by *all* means.

Obo: ano... what's my motivation for saying this?

Director: .... Obo, honey, sweety... it's five thirty in the morning... we have three more episodes to film by Friday... and the tranquilizers are *wearing off*.

Obo: (blinks at him, then seriously, putting a wing to his breast) Sir, I am a method ac-tor! I cannot consciously say a word on stage without understanding where it is coming from.

Director: No? Well let me tell you where it's coming from, bird brain.

Obo: (shocked) Gracious! Such language!

Director: It's coming from if you don't say the damn line written in the damn script I'LL REPLACE YOU AND YOUR JAILBAIT DAUGHTER WITH THAT FUCKING TALKING CAT FROM SAILOR MOON!!

Obo: L--luna why I never! (ruffling his feathers) I cannot work under the onus of these dastardly threats!

Director: Just say the fucking line, Obo!

Obo: Certainly not! I will be in my trailer! HUMPH! (turns around, shows his tail feathers to the director insultingly then flies out the window and into a nearby birdhouse marked "Obo". A wing reaches out seconds later and slams the door)

Director: (throwing hands into the air) I give up!

~ Fin ~