Vision Of Escaflowne Fan Fiction ❯ Bloody Hands ❯ To Have Loved and Lost ( Chapter 2 )

By the time the afternoon had come it was still raining. Van heard it slapping against the roof before he opened his eyes, like a million tiny people banging with tiny hammers, trying to get in. Trying to get in. Trying to get to him. Everyone wanted a piece of him. Everyone wanted a piece of Van Fanel, to watch it suffer.

(you really are going insane, Van-sama)
'Just keep going.'
(just keep marching. Like a one-man fucking army)
'You can do it.'
(like a one-armed man in an ass-kicking contest against fourteen other guys)
'You have your arms....'
(but I don't have my mind. I'm losing my fucking mind. How can I do anything if I go insane?)
'You're not going insane.'

Van opened his eyes to distract the voices. His room was once again empty. He supposed the others had decided to let him sleep. God, had he been there all morning? He looked tried to look out the window and realized that Chesta was blocking his view. The Dragonslayer was sitting indian-style, back facing Van, on the windowsill, staring at the rain sliding down the glass. He was sort of hunched over.

(great. This is exactly what I need right now)

Van looked around, and saw that Chesta was alone again. He pushed the sheets off of himself silently, hoping the boy wouldn't hear him. He swung his feet and touched the floor gingerly. He stood up, bit his lip, watching the boy at the windowsill. He took a step, tiptoeing. The wooden floor creaked, and Van winced. He watched the Dragonslayer, heart pounding against his rib cage.

"You don't have to sneak like that," the ghost said with a monotone voice, without turning around. "I'm not going to hurt you. Gatti and the others do enough of that, I suppose. I wouldn't want to steal the one thing they get pleasure out of."

"And what is it you get pleasure out of?" Van said sarcastically. "You never hit me. You never make my hands.... make my hands.... bloody. You never call me obscene names...."

"Do you want me to?" Chesta asked with the same sarcasm, and still he didn't turn away from the window.

"Why don't you?"

"There's no point."

"Don't you want revenge?"

"What good will it do?"

"You'll get to see me suffer."

"It won't bring me back. Or the others."

His voice was so calm and sullen. So utterly depressing and melancholic.

"So why did you come back at all?"

"I...," Chesta stirred a little, but didn't turn around. "I thought maybe I could see Dilandau-sama. Make sure he was all right."

"He was never all right," Van scoffed.

"That wasn't his fault."

"Don't you care about anything besides Dilandau?"

Chesta turned around sharply, dull hate in his gray eyes. The rest of his face was twisted into an angry scowl.

"Don't you ever say that to me," he said, seething.

"Why not? What could you possibly care about? Obviously not the whole country of Fanelia. Or the lives you tore apart."

"You don't talk to me like that!" the Dragonslayer shouted, standing up. "I've cared about someone more than I cared about myself! I gave my life to Dilandau-sama, and I..." His voice trailed off, wavering.

"You what?" Van sneered.

"I...."

"What??"

The white-hot look of fury suddenly dissolved and there was a heart wrenching sadness on his visage. He looked up at Van, and his emotionless gray eyes were brimming with saline. Van stared. The boy had never shown any emotion in those eyes. And now, they were glassing over with big wet tears. Van was so shocked that he couldn't react.

Chesta held his hand out, gloved palm facing Van.

"Touch my hand."

"Why?" Van said skeptically.

"I won't hurt you. Just touch it, and you'll see."

Van remained perfectly still, remembering the punches he got from Gatti and the others.

"Touch it," Chesta repeated.

Cautiously, Van lifted his arm and stretched it toward Chesta. Chesta pressed his palm firmly against Van's and closed his eyes.

"Close your eyes, or else you'll see both," Chesta directed.

"See both what?"

"Just do it."

Van closed his eyes.

There was a bright white light, and Van squeezed his eyelids. The light faded, and Van realized that he could see two figures in front of him. The light faded until it was completely gone, and he could see the two Dragonslayers clearly. Chesta and the brunette one, the one Zongi had killed. Migel something.

"I can't believe he hit me," the little blonde said, holding his cheek. He looked a little younger, maybe twelve or thirteen. And then Van understood that he was looking at a memory.

"I just can't believe he really hit me, Migel," Chesta said slowly and quietly.

The brunette Dragonslayer put his arms around the shorter one and embraced him tightly.

"It's all right, Ches."

"Why did he hit me, Migel? I said I was sorry..."

"It's okay. Don't think about it. He was in a pissy mood."

It was clear that the little Dragonslayer was trying to fight his tears, but one came sliding down his cheek anyway.

"I told him. I told Dilandau-sama I was sorry... Migel, he hit me."

"Shhh..."

Migel reached up and brushed the tear away with the edge of his index finger and replaced it with a soft kiss on Chesta's cheek. Van had seen cheek kisses before, casual and light, but this one was deeper. It could have been casual, but there was something so gentle and romantic about it that the line between romance and casualness was blurred. He could see that the younger Chesta didn't know exactly how to interpret it either.

The white light came again, blinding Van for a second, then faded into a dark bedroom. Someone sat up suddenly, gasping. He sat in the bed, head lowered, whimpering softly so that he wouldn't wake the others around him.

"Chesta?" a voice asked in the darkness.

The sobbing stopped immediately.

"Chesta, is that you?" the voice asked again, and Van recognized it as Migel's.

"Yes," Chesta answered quietly.

"Another nightmare?"

"Yes," Chesta said again, embarrassed.

There was a silence, and then Migel spoke up again.

"Come here," he said gently.

Unbelieving and uncertain: "Nani??"

"Come over here. To my bed."

The blonde climbed slowly out of his bed and went over to Migel's, bare feet slapping lightly on the hardwood floor. He stopped shyly at the side of Migel's bed, where the brunette was a vague hump under his white sheets. Van watched Migel slide over and pat the spot next to him.

"Lie down."

Slowly and awkwardly, Chesta climbed into Migel's bed. The taller Dragonslayer lifted the sheet as he did so, and put it around the blonde after he was lying down. Migel sighed, and put an arm around Chesta.

"Sleep now, Chesta," he whispered.

Again the bright light came. This time when it faded, Migel was leaning against a wall, bruised and bloody, grimacing. There was Guymelef wreckage on the other side of the alley.

"I can't escape...hurt like this," he grimaced. "What am I going to do....?"

Migel's eyes suddenly widened around his pupils as white hands came out of the darkness and clamped around his neck.

"Auhhh!" Migel tried to scream, but his voice was muffled. The white hands squeezed harder, cutting off Migel's breath, crushing his throat.

"Migel!!!!" a voice shrieked. Van saw that it was Chesta, running toward the scene. His sword was drawn.

"GET AWAY FROM HIM!!! LET GO!!! .....HAII!!!"

The blonde boy drove his sword into Zongi's stomach before the Doppelganger could make another move. He grabbed his stomach and fell to his knees. Migel was released, and he stared wide-eyed at Chesta.

"Shesss...," he croaked, unable to speak.

"Migel!"

The brunette stumbled forward, and started to topple. Chesta moved quickly, bending one knee slightly, and caught the collapsing Migel in his arms.

"Shess--sta..."

"Shhhh," Chesta said, "Don't try to talk."

Migel sucked desperately for air, gasping and choking. Tears formed in Chesta's eyes.

"Hold on, Migel! The others will be here any second."

"Get...out...you'll be....cap...tured," Migel wheezed.

"No!" Chesta protested sharply. "No, I'm going to stay with you until they get here!"

"Listen to me." Migel's gloved fingers reached up and grabbed Chesta's arm, squeezing intently.

"I love you, Chesta."

"Migel...!"

"I....," Migel struggled for air, using his last breath for the blonde Dragonslayer, because he thought Chesta deserved to know, "I loved you all along."

"MIGEL!"

Chesta gathered the brunette in his arms, and could suddenly no longer hold Migel or himself up. He fell to his knees, clutching the taller Dragonslayer against him.

"I love you, Migel!! I love you too! Please...hold on! Just try!"

Migel looked up at Chesta one last time. A faint smile played at the corner of his lips, he laid his head on Chesta's shoulder, closed his eyes, and the smile faded into a blank expression.

"Migel?"

Silence.

"Migel!?"

Still nothing. Chesta shook the soldier in his arms.

"MI-GELLL!!!!"



Chesta pulled his hand away, and Van saw nothing under his eyelids except blackness. He opened his eyes and looked at the shortest Dragonslayer.

For a long time he could say nothing, and couldn't stop his heart from breaking for the boy. He suddenly felt very small and very foolish.

Chesta looked at the floor with his sad gray eyes.

"Don't talk to me about caring about something," he said bitterly. He looked up, and his whole face, including his eyes, was overflowing with emotion. "That's what you get when you care about something."

"I'm.... sorry," Van whispered. "I didn't know."

"It's my fault. I shouldn't have become attached. The number one unsaid rule among us Dragonslayers was, 'don't get attached'."

"You can't deny your emotions. You have to follow them."

Chesta furiously wiped a tear away.

"Thanks for the advice," he said, voice dripping with sarcasm, "I'll remember it the next time I get a chance to feel any emotion for anyone again."

"Migel was a good soldier."

At this, Chesta reached out and slapped Van across the face as hard as he could.

"You shut up, baka!! You knew nothing about Migel, or Dilandau-sama, or any of us!! YOU didn't know ANYTHING!!"

Van sighed.

"You're right."

Chesta glared at him a minute longer, and walked over to the window again. When Van looked up, the blonde-haired Dragonslayer was gone.