Vision Of Escaflowne Fan Fiction ❯ Dragonslayer's Dating Service ❯ Dragonslayer's Dating Service ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Dragonslayers Dating Service by Julie-chan





Dragonslayers Dating Service
By Julie-chan

- - -

The Dragonslayers try to play match-maker! ^_^ Contains weirdness, yaoi, sex slaves, self insertion, and many Sailormoon references. I don't own any characters but Sailorwho and Ronal (from Thinking of You). Why is Ronal in this fic? I'm not quite sure. I also don't own any of the name-brand food items or Tupperware. Uh...don't blame me if you suffer any mental damage from this. Oh, yes, one last thing. I think that "Eries" sounds more like "Elisa" in the original Japanese. That is how I spell it, because I think it's prettier that way. ^^;

- - -
One day on the Vione during breakfast, Dalet noted duly, "Hey, notice how Dilandau-sama's always alone at night?"
"Yeah, so?" Migel replied, taking a bite of his Cheerios.
"What do you mean?" asked Chesta innocently as he nibbled at the edge of his toast.
The other Slayers gave him a meaningful look, and Dalet stressed, "Alone. At night. In bed? He...oh, forget it."
Chesta stared blankly. "I don't under--Oh! He's single!" Realization dawning on his face, he giggled like a schoolgirl.
Migel rolled his eyes. "Just how naive are you?"
"ANYWAY," Dalet continued, "I say we try to remedy that. If we get him a date, maybe he'll stop hitting Gatti."
Gatti shivered at being reminded of their Captain's abusive tendencies.
"I can fix that!" Migel grinned, standing up to walk over to Dilandau's table, but both Dalet and Chesta pulled him back to his seat.
"Oh no you don't!" They exclaimed simultaneously.
"...what did I do?"
"You're mine," Dalet hissed.
"No, he's MINE," Chesta protested.
Migel sighed heavily as the two boys began a tug-of-war over him. He wondered briefly what they would do if they had any idea that he'd been seeing Eriya for the past month. After thinking about the violent consequences, he decided his best chance for survival would be to simply live with this. "Uh...right." He tried his best to ignore the teenagers hanging off his arms as he went back to his cereal.
A girl with brown hair messily swept back in a ponytail and adorned in armor suspiciously similar to Dilandau's sat down at the table. She was dragging a lanky blonde boy behind her. "'Nichiwa!" She said cheerfully, smiling. When no one paid any attention to her, she muttered curse words in various languages under her breath. "I said konnichi wa, people!" she shouted angrily, brandishing her henshin stick threateningly. "Don't make me go Sailorwho here!"
The Slayers stared at her in stunned silence for a moment before Chesta asked tentatively, "Uh...Ms. Author-person? Why are you here? And why is Ronal in this story?"
The smile never fading from her face, Julie-chan explained with a shrug, "I just thought I'd drop by. You guys are all so cute. And as for this bishounen..." She hugged Ronal, and little pink hearts flitted around her head. "I dunno, I just wanted to drag him along. I love him. Even more than Gatti does." Ronal gave them a desperate, pleading look. His face was beginning to turn blue from lack of oxygen. Gatti grimaced, and shook his head frantically. He was obviously afraid of Julie. Migel devoted his entire concentration upon his food. Chesta and Dalet, on the other hand, were devoting their concentration to him...and each other. A fight was going to break out any second. The other Slayers carefully managed not to pay attention to Ronal or the two feuding boys.
"Why are you wearing Dilandau-sama's armor?" Guimel inquired curiously.
Julie-chan blinked. "I...uh...well, it's a long story and I...have to go!" She released Ronal from her death grip and scampered off.
Ronal, meanwhile, was gasping for air, his face returning to a somewhat normal hue. After a minute, he smiled mischievously and said, "So, what's this about setting Dilandau-sama up? Can I help?"
"Sure!" Dalet exclaimed happily. "Who should we attempt to send him on a date with first? Folken-sama?"
"No way. They hate each other," Gatti said with a grimace. "And how about we try a girl before we resort to yaoi pairings? I mean, let's assume for a moment he's straight."
Ronal snickered. "In a Julie-chan fic? Yeah, right. But we'll try it your way anyhow."
"How about that girl from the Phantom Moon?" Chesta suggested. "She seems nice." Noticing the odd looks people were giving him, he shrunk back against Migel. "What?"
"Oh, brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?" Migel retorted sarcastically. "That Kanzaki girl is only one of our worst enemies, after all!"
"But this is a humor story! It doesn't have to make sense!" The adorable blonde Slayer protested.
Dalet considered this for a moment. "He does have a point, you know."
Guimel grinned. "Okay, then it's settled. Now all we have to do is convince Hitomi to go on a date with Dilandau-sama!"
The blissfully ignorant group had no idea what a daunting task that could potentially prove to be.
* * *
"Let me get this straight...you want me to date Dilandau? And this is the reason why you kidnaped me and brought me to your fortress?" Hitomi asked skeptically, tapping her foot on the hanger floor. "Explain to me exactly why I should go out with the crazed pyro boy?"
"So he'll be in a good mood and thus stop hitting my boyfriend all the time!" Ronal said happily, hugging Gatti.
Hitomi sighed. "You're lucky I'm a nice person. Okay, I'll got out on one date with him, and if he keeps the carnage and burning to a minimum, it could possibly become long-term," she resigned. "But remember, I'm only doing this because I feel sorry for Gatti." Gatti smiled, and went into a shoujo pose. Fan girls flocked around him. "And stop that!" Gatti stopped, sweatdropping, as the fan girls scattered.
"Thanks!" Dalet smiled. "You're doing us all a huge favor, really you are."
Migel glared at him. "I was perfectly willing to go out with him, you know."
"Really?" Hitomi asked. "Then why do you need me?"
Chesta and Dalet slapped their hands over his mouth. "Ignore him," Chesta said firmly.
Dalet nodded. "He's ours."
"You two have issues," Hitomi declared, rolling her eyes.
"Do not!" Chesta insisted.
"Do too," grumbled Migel unenthusiastically.
Dalet grinned, glomping Migel forcefully. "Isn't he the greatest?"
* * *
Dilandau and Hitomi sat across from each other in a dimly-lit room. There was some form of food containing noodles before them, a very large bottle of fine wine, two crystal goblets, and two pillar candles in the center of the small table. Dalet had cooked. Hitomi suspected she didn't want to know what was in her so-called "spaghetti."
"So," she said nervously, attempting conversation, "what's it like being a Dragonslayer?"
"Uh...well...It's fun. I get to kill people. I get to burn things." Dilandau was hardly paying attention to her, so fixated was he on the candles. He waved his hand through the flame. "Ow! Hot!" He grinned, giggling. "Fire!" He said happily, pointing.
"Er...right," she replied uneasily. "Do you like fire, Dilandau?"
"Hai!" He replied gleefully, poking at the wax with his index finger.
Attempting to make it through this meal alive, Hitomi uncorked the wine and poured herself a generous cupful. Maybe this would be less painful if she was really drunk. She slurped the beverage down in one gulp. "What do you do in your free time?"
"Nothing much." He hadn't made eye contact with her the entire time. He tried to eat one of the candles, but spit it back out with a disgusted expression on his face, and placed it back on the table."Do you have any hobbies other than playing with fire and trying to kill Van?" She downed another glass.Contemplating this question, he thoughtfully took a bite of his food. "Hm. No, not really. ...I hit people," he suggested. Then his face lit up. "Oh! I know! I collect Sailormoon manga!"
Hitomi gave him a strange look. "You read Sailormoon? A shoujo manga?"
"Yeah! My favorite's Sailormars. You know why? 'Cause her powers all involve...fire!" Giggling hysterically, he ate some more of his noodles.
"YOU read Sailormoon?" the Japanese girl repeated, incredulous.
"I like the anime too, but the artwork in the comics is prettier," he explained casually, prodding the candles some more. "And Mamoru--you know, that Tuxedo Mask guy--is hot." He didn't seem to notice her obvious discomfort. "What do you like to do?"
Still confused about the Sailormoon issue, Hitomi said, "Well...I have cool psychic powers and I have cards that can tell you your fortune. And I like sports."
"Do you like fire? I like fire," he stated the obvious.
"Uh...it's...it's nice," the girl replied uneasily, suddenly feeling she needed some more alcohol in her system. "Yeah."
"Isn't it?" He continued poking at the candles.
She didn't reply, trying her best to ignore him as she half-heartedly munched on her spaghetti. She was pretty sure it wasn't supposed to be crunchy, and she knew it wasn't supposed to struggle as she tried to eat it. Fortunately, she was tipsy enough that she managed to stomach the so-called "food."
Shouts were heard from outside the room:
"No, you can't go in there! They're on a DATE!"
"You think we care?"
"Van-sama, I caught I Slayer! Can I bring him home with me?"
"I suppose."
"Let go of me! Let go of--augh! That hurts! Stop it, you little bitch!"
"I'm a cat, not a dog, silly."
"Whatever."
"Merle, make your Slayer shut up. He's getting on my nerves."
"Okay, Van-sama! Be quiet, sheep-boy!" There was a loud thumping sound.
"OW!"
"Hitomi? Are you in there?" Allen heroically kicked in the door, trailed closely by Van and Merle, who was dragging Guimel around by his neck. The other Slayers were not far behind.
"No! Not Guimel!" Gatti shouted in an anguished tone. "Why, God, why?! Take me instead!" He fell to the ground, sobbing.
"Uh, Gaea to Gatti-chan?" Ronal asked, tapping him on the forehead. "It's not like he's dead or anything..."
"Oh, yeah." Gatti straightened, brushing off his uniform. "These guys can handle the heroes, ne? Let's go have sex."
Ronal shrugged. "Okay." They wandered off together.
Van raised an eyebrow. "All these Zaibach people are weird." He turned to Hitomi. "Hitomi, are you okay?"
She hiccupped. "Yeah, fine," she slurred.
"Is she drunk again?" Merle asked, wrinkling her nose in disgust.
Allen picked her up gently. "Okay, we have her. Let's leave and do something heroic or chivalrous!"
"Do we have to?" Van whined.
"Yes," the knight insisted. "Come on. Somewhere out there, there is a little old lady who needs me to help her cross the street! Or a disgruntled postal worker who--"
"Not the speech again!" Merle growled. She tightened her grip on Guimel. Guimel choked.
"Don't interrupt me!"
Dilandau paused in his playing with the candles and finally noticed the heroes. He rushed to his feet, unsheathing his sword. "Van! Allen! Annoying cat-girl!" He shouted in surprise. Merle bared her teeth, guarding Guimel fiercely. "Vaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" he shrieked, attacking his nemesis.
Dalet beamed. "I think we have a new candidate for the Dragonslayers Dating Service! Van is perfect for Dilandau!"
"We're the Dragonslayers Dating Service?" Chesta asked. "Is that what we're called now?" Dalet nodded. "Cool!"
Migel looked at him skeptically. "Uh, Dalet...they're trying to kill each other. I don't think it would work out..."
"Yamero!!!" Julie-chan shouted, running into the room. "Stop this, you two!"
Van and Dilandau, of course, ignored the author and continued to sword fight.
Julie pouted. "Idiots." She pulled her henshin stick from somewhere. "Something-or-other power, make up!" She transformed into Sailorwho in a scene full of flashing lights and blatant nudity. Sailorwho glowered at everyone except the two fighting enemies, who were all staring with wide-eyes. "You ecchi people! Don't LOOK at me like that!" Dilandau and Van remained unfazed, continuing their duel. "I said yamero!" When this provoked no response, she narrowed her eyes menacingly, raising a staff topped with a golden question mark above her head. "You asked for it. Supreme Enchilada ATTACK!!"
A giant question mark fell out of the sky, landing on top of the two, effectively squishing them. Mostly Van. It rolled off to the side, revealing the unconscious fighters. The remaining heroes and villains looked at her in shock. Merle was the first to speak. "That's your attack? You need help." Guimel made a little sound of agreement. Hitomi hiccupped.
Allen flicked his hair over his shoulder with an air of extreme annoyance. "You squished Van! How could you?"
Julie-chan shrugged.
Allen dumped Hitomi on top of Merle and Guimel who fell to the ground in a heap, and ran over to where Van lay. "Van? Are you alright? Speak to me!"
Van muttered something under his breath involving the word "kisama."
The knight smiled. "He's okay, minna-san!" He kissed Van full on the lips. Van kissed back. Sailorwho's eye began to twitch. Hitomi, in her drunken state, began to bawl loudly. Guimel blinked.
Merle grinned. "Van-sama's with Allen? Cool!"
The heroes took their leave.
* * *
"Okay, so it didn't work out with Hitomi," Chesta said sheepishly over lunch. "Who else can we set him up with?"
Ronal shrugged. "Don't look at me. I want nothing to do with him romantically after what I've been through. People already dislike me enough." He hugged Gatti, cuddling against him. "I have my Gatti-chan now!"
Guimel stumbled into the room, weak and slightly worse for the wear. "Hi, guys," he said in a tired tone, collapsing into a seat beside them.
"I thought you were taken away by that cat-girl," Migel noted as he sipped at a Pepsi.
"Yeah. She put me in a cage and made me her personal sex slave. I escaped." He grinned. "It was kinda fun, though. I think I might go back." The other Slayers stared at him as though he were crazy. "What?" he asked, looking around at the expressions he was receiving.
"Um, anyway," said Dalet, choosing to forget the past few minutes ever occurred, "any thoughts?"
"Merle," Guimel said dreamily.
"No," Gatti said simply.
"Well, how about Nariya?"
"What is it with you and cats?"
Sheep-boy shrugged. "Hey, do you have any better ideas? Would you rather I suggested Eriya?"
"No!" Migel protested. "She's my--" he cut off the sentence at the sight of Chesta and Dalet's glowering faces. "Uh, I don't think that he and the twins would be compatible. Besides, that Mamoru comment pretty much established that he's gay. Or something."
"Oh. It did, didn't it?" Dalet considered this.
"I'd be glad to--" Migel began.
"NO!" Shrieked his mini-fan club.
"Fine! For God's sake..." He rolled his eyes.
Ronal suggested quietly, "Um...how about Gaddes?"
Everyone burst out laughing at the ridiculous couple. After a few minutes, they managed to catch their breath. "Oh, that's so funny!" Dalet exclaimed. His expression sobered. In a perfectly serious tone, he said, "Sure, why not?"
* * *
Gaddes wondered briefly why he was here. He really wasn't sure how those boys had convinced him to do this. He suspected he had been very drunk at the time. At any rate, he was now having pizza with Dilandau. He decided to make the best of it. "So, uh..." He tried to think of some conversational topic that didn't involve fire. "Nice weather today?"
"No." Dilandau sighed. "It's too windy to burn things."
"Yeah, I guess..." Gaddes shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
"Do you like Sailormoon?" The Slayer asked.
Gaddes sweatdropped. "Uh...actually...I do," he admitted. "But don't tell anyone."
"Cool!" Dilandau grinned. "Isn't Mamoru cute?"
"He's okay. I like the Three Lights myself...anime version, of course. They're female in the manga." He stuck out his tongue.
This led to an involved discussion about Sailormoon. Eventually, Van and Allen joined them, making it a double-date. A sullen Merle accompanied them, distraught by the loss of her slave.
Oh, and nothing romantic between Dilandau and Gaddes happened whatsoever. Not surprisingly.
* * *
"Well, that was an abysmal failure," Ronal pointed out.
Gatti sighed. "I hoped it wouldn't come to this."
Dalet nodded. "Yeah, you do realize what we have to do now, don't you?"
The other Dragonslayers shuddered.
* * *
Dilandau entered the fancy French restaurant to see who the Slayers had paired him up with now. "Oh, Dilandau!" A female voice called. "Over here!" He followed the voice, to see it belonged to none other than...Millerna?
He screamed at the top of his lungs. It was a primal scream of complete and utter terror from the depths of his soul. A flamethrower appeared in his hands for some undetermined reason. "MOERO!!!" He shouted, burning the Princess to a crisp. He fell on his hands and knees, trying to breathe somewhat normally, his cheek going into a slight spasm. "...I will kill them..." he muttered.
"Um, Dilandau-sama? Imooto wasn't your date. I am." The voice belonged to Elisa Aston.
He sighed in relief. "Oh. Great." He still wasn't terribly thrilled by his date, but anything was better than Millerna-hime. He brushed the late Princess's ashes off the chair and seated himself. After one look at the menu, he sweatdropped. "Uh, your Highness? You're paying...right?"
* * *
"Are you ready for the Nariya suggestion yet?" Gatti asked.
"Just about," Dalet grumbled.
Migel cleared his throat. "I could--"
"NO," his fan club insisted.
Dilandau and Folken entered the kitchen. Folken took a Dr. Pepper from the fridge. "I suppose you're going to send Dilandau on another blind date?" he asked with much amusement.
"No, they aren't," the lead Slayer muttered darkly, retrieving a Tupperware (tm) container from the deepest depths of the fridge. "What IS this?" He opened the lid, turned a pale shade of green, and quite literally threw it back inside. "We really need to clean this thing out, don't we?"
"What makes you say that?" Ronal asked casually, eating a pickle in a such a manner that Gatti was completely transfixed.
"I don't think that Mayonnaise is supposed to be bright yellow and glowing. I think it talked to me the other day. We're harboring life in this thing, guys."
Chesta glanced at it. "The expiration date was only last year," he dismissed lightly.
"Where's Guimel? I haven't seen him today," Migel commented.
Dalet snickered. "He decided freedom wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He went back to Merle the Dominatrix."
"Speaking of which..." Chesta smiled. "Dilandau-sama, maybe we could convince Nariya to--"
"No more blind dates, you guys," Dilandau said wearily. "I'd rather be single than go through that agony again. Although Gaddes was quite fun." He grinned. "And I liked the candlelight dinner with Hitomi. The fire was the best part." The silver-haired teenager sighed in fond recollection. "Anyway, Folken and I have strategy to discuss. Don't we?"
Folken nodded. "Yes."
They left the room.
"Well, that was sudden...I think they're making up bad excuses," Ronal observed.
"Do you think...?" Dalet trailed off.
"Hah." Scoffed Migel, "Folken and Dilandau-sama? Yeah, right."
* * *
"So, you think they've figured us out yet?" Folken asked.
Dilandau rolled his eyes. "I doubt it. They think we hate each other. They can be so stupid sometimes," he laughed.
THE END...I think. ^^;